Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 095: Are You Still Who You Think You Are?

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095: Are You Still Who You Think You Are? · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

0:32
SPEAKER_00: If you heard yourself say, oh, that's just not me.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: It really just isn't.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: I don't do things like that.
0:37
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not going to do that.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: It's not who I am.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody has invited you to a dance class, and that was your response.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: Like, no, I have two left feet.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: I can't dance.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: That's just not who I am.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm somebody who can't dance.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps you have been asked to speak at something and thought to yourself, oh no, no, I can't get up in front of people.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm not that confident.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: I'm not that kind of a person.
1:01
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's a trip you wanted to take, or somebody asked you to, or a creative project, or just even learning any kind of a new skill.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: And before you actually give yourself a chance to even consider it, you have your answer.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: And it's something along the lines of, nope, I'm not that kind of person.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm not a public speaker.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm not coordinated.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm not adventurous.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm not this.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm not that.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe you're genuinely just not interested in whatever the proposal or the offer was.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: That's okay, that's fine.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: But sometimes the thought process and the statements of that's not me comes out so quickly that we never even stop to ask where we got that idea.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: Did you try it once 30 years ago and it didn't work out?
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Did somebody tell you that you weren't good at it and then you began to believe that?
1:53
SPEAKER_00: Or have you never even tried it?
1:56
SPEAKER_00: And somehow that became the same thing as being incapable because you've never done it?
2:01
SPEAKER_00: That's what I want to talk about today.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm Frederica Davis, your host, and this is Passion, Purpose, and Identity Saturday.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: And this is the last of our three episode weeks.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: Next week we move to two episodes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: So I really hope you enjoyed today's episode.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: Today's question is: are you still who you think you are?
2:25
SPEAKER_00: Because you might be making decisions about your life using a description of yourself and a belief about yourself that hasn't been updated in a really long time.
2:36
SPEAKER_00: Picture this.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: Somebody comes up to you and they ask you whether you'd like to come and take a painting class with them.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: And you say, Oh, no, no, no, I'm not very good at art.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm just not artistic.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: But if we backed up and looked at where that belief, that statement came from, maybe you'd tell me about an art teacher who criticized something you made, or a sibling, or a parent, or a sister who could just draw really amazing, and you couldn't draw as amazing as she did.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: So she got labeled the artistic one, and you thought you weren't artistic at all because it wasn't as good as hers.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you just simply never had a chance to learn how.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, all this time you've put together a beautiful room in your house.
3:20
SPEAKER_00: Is your house decorated beautifully?
3:22
SPEAKER_00: Do you love arranging flowers?
3:25
SPEAKER_00: Or do you have a great eye for color?
3:27
SPEAKER_00: Maybe your outfits are always spot on, or you're amazing at designing in Canva.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: But in this instance, you're not counting any of that in your mind because somewhere along the way, you decided artistic people could draw or could paint, and maybe you can't.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: So now you've turned down an amazing opportunity in afternoon where you might have laughed and enjoyed yourself, whether the art was good or not, all because of this belief.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: Now, this is just one example of how this can show up, but you see how this can work.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: A description about yourself, something that you believe, then starts to become your automatic answer.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: And the answer starts to make decisions for you, and you may not even notice that it's happening.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: We all use descriptions to explain ourselves.
4:19
SPEAKER_00: I'm a loner, I'm an introvert, I'm an extrovert, I'm quiet, I'm practical, I'm adventurous, I'm terrible with money, I'm the organized one, I'm the fixer, I'm not good with people.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: You get the picture, goes on and on.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: Some of those descriptions are really useful, and sometimes they're true.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: They can reflect things that we do genuinely know about ourselves.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: But some are much broader than that.
4:43
SPEAKER_00: And they're broader than the evidence that's actually behind them.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, a feeling you might have at a party of being uncomfortable can all of a sudden, in your mind, become the belief that you're socially awkward.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you were trying to learn a new software and you were having a hard time understanding it.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: That could become the, oh, I'm hopeless with technology.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: Or I had a business idea, but it just didn't work.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: I tried it, it didn't work.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, that belief becomes, I'm not cut out to be an entrepreneur.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: I'm not cut out for business.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: And now you've taken an experience that you might have had and turned it into something that becomes more of a permanent statement or belief.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: And once you get used to saying it, you start treating it like it's background information.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: You don't question it any more than you would question your own address.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: Except you probably update your address when you move.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: How often do you update the way that you describe yourself?
5:45
SPEAKER_00: I want to give you three questions to work with today.
5:49
SPEAKER_00: First one is, where did I get this description?
5:52
SPEAKER_00: Number two is, is it accurate now?
5:56
SPEAKER_00: Number three is what is it deciding for me?
6:02
SPEAKER_00: And I want to take this one at a time.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: First, where did you get it?
6:06
SPEAKER_00: I want you to choose a sentence that you say about yourself often.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's something like, oh, I'm just not a leader or I'm not an artist, I'm not good with people, I'm not whatever.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: Something along those lines.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: And then I want you to be thinking about where did that come from?
6:25
SPEAKER_00: Where did you get that?
6:27
SPEAKER_00: And when did you decide that?
6:30
SPEAKER_00: We'll go with the I'm not a leader example.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: Did you have a bad experience taking charge of something at one point?
6:37
SPEAKER_00: Were you always compared to somebody else who was maybe a little bit more outspoken?
6:42
SPEAKER_00: Did you grow up in a family where one person was considered the leader and everyone else just followed in line?
6:49
SPEAKER_00: Or you might just discover that the description and that belief that you have about yourself was not originally yours.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: Someone might have said, oh, she's the shy one.
7:03
SPEAKER_00: Or you're too sensitive.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: You're just sensitive about everything.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: You're always so sensitive.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: We've seen that and heard that before, especially about girls.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: And now, whenever you react to anything, you just apologize because it's affected you.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: You're self-conscious about that.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: Whatever told us it was wrong to be sensitive in the first place, using this example.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe someone else in your family, in a job, wherever, was quote unquote the smart one.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: So you learn to speak about your own abilities as though they were second rate.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was a relationship you learned these things in.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: And nobody necessarily ever sat you down and said, hey, this is a moment, this is a situation.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: This is not your identity forever.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: Chances are it happened through repetition.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: People described you that way, you heard it, and eventually you started to say it to yourself.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe the description was accurate in that moment.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: At that point, maybe you were quiet in school.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you did struggle with money.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you weren't comfortable making decisions on your own.
8:08
SPEAKER_00: But that was a particular period in your life.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to mean it's who you are.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: So since then, chances are you've worked and raised children and probably navigated more than one relationship, handled problems, learned some things along the way, and even made decisions that were harder, bigger, and decisions that you really just never even expected to face.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: You now have experience.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: The question is, have you allowed any of that experience to change your opinion of yourself?
8:47
SPEAKER_00: Or are you still introducing yourself with the same descriptions that you used 20 years ago and the same beliefs?
8:56
SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: You might have grown in more ways than you can even imagine and just simply not giving yourself credit for it.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: That brings us to the second question.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: Is it accurate now?
9:10
SPEAKER_00: I want you to look for actual examples of whatever it is you're saying.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: So we'll continue with the example of I'm not a leader.
9:18
SPEAKER_00: Let's say that's your sentence.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever trained someone at work?
9:23
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever rallied a family together through a difficult situation or organized a party or helped a group make a decision?
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you even initiated something because you just simply saw a need.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever done any of those things?
9:39
SPEAKER_00: Those are things that deserve consideration because those are all examples of leadership.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: You might be imagining that leadership means standing on a stage or being the loudest person in the room, being able to speak on a microphone, being a business starter, or even having a particular title.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, you've been guiding people for years, maybe in other ways.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: Or we'll take the I'm terrible with technology example.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: What can you do now that you could not do five years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago?
10:19
SPEAKER_00: I can tell you, I did not have my first computer until I was in my 30s.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: And I got a laptop.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: I was always afraid.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: My ex tried to teach me on the computers.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: I had one of those old Commodore computers.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, it was like an antique.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: And I was so afraid because, of course, you remember back then, if you pushed the wrong button, you were at risk of losing everything.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: And boy, that did happen more than once.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: And I was afraid to learn on his computer or the family computer because I was afraid I would break it.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: I was afraid I would lose everything.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I was so afraid.
10:51
SPEAKER_00: And if he ever listens to this podcast, he'll probably remember.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: And he used to tease me about it.
10:56
SPEAKER_00: So I got a laptop and I had a small business.
10:59
SPEAKER_00: And there were things I wanted to do.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: And the small business didn't have a budget to pay somebody to do it.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: And I learned.
11:05
SPEAKER_00: I had motivation.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: I learned.
11:07
SPEAKER_00: I had trial and error, trial and error, trial and error.
11:10
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm going back now.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: That would be, you know, 20 plus years ago that I'm talking about.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: That said, now I can build a website.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: I can do this.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: I can create, edit, and post a podcast.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: I can do social media.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: I can do all sorts of online creation, find my way around a computer.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: Pretty amazing without being a computer googger.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't do that back then.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: Back then, I believed I was terrible at technology.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: Let's go with money.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Back in my 20s, I had no idea what I was doing.
11:47
SPEAKER_00: I started a business not having the first clue about what to do really behind the scenes.
11:53
SPEAKER_00: I had to learn all of that.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: I had to learn how to manage my money, how to manage business money, all of that.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: Loads of trial and error along the way, but I had to learn that.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: So now I'm quite good at that.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: That said, I didn't know any of that before.
12:10
SPEAKER_00: And for the longest time, I thought I was terrible with money.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: And yes, I was back then because I didn't know any better.
12:16
SPEAKER_00: I hadn't learned yet.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: That's the thing.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: You have to learn, and then you have to choose different choices.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: So I'll ask the question again.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: Let's say you believe you're terrible with technology.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: What is it you can do now that you couldn't do five years ago?
12:30
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can book appointments online, or you can use video calls.
12:34
SPEAKER_00: Did you ever think you'd be on video calls like we've all learned how to do?
12:38
SPEAKER_00: Or you can manage your accounts online.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: Do you do your banking online?
12:42
SPEAKER_00: How about editing a photograph or learning how to use an app?
12:46
SPEAKER_00: Those are all proof that you're not so terrible with technology because you learned those.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: They're all proof that you can learn technology.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: Now that doesn't have to mean you're going to enjoy every platform.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: It does mean that terrible with technology that you've been telling yourself may be a completely unnecessary sweeping description and an inaccuracy.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: More accurate might be I need someone to walk me through a new system first.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: Once I learn it, I can do it.
13:20
SPEAKER_00: That tells you what you need to be able to do it.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: And it gives you a way forward.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: There's much more power in that.
13:28
SPEAKER_00: I think this becomes especially worth considering as we are in midlife because it's really easy to look around as the kids grow and family roles change and not know how to describe yourself anymore outside of your familiar roles.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you feel different, you're retiring, and you don't know how or who to be when you retire.
13:52
SPEAKER_00: But you keep using these old words and beliefs because you don't have any new ones in place yet.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've even thought to yourself, I don't know who I am anymore.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes part of what's happening here is that your experience has become bigger than your old identity, than that old description that you have in your head and what you've been telling yourself.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: And you know, there's a saying, what you think about, you bring about.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: And it's been shown over and over and over again.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: What we play on repeat in our minds is what we create.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you used to be comfortable staying in the background, but now you have something that you really want to say.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's a subject that you used to find boring, but now you find yourself really interested in reading everything you can about it.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: Like I used to hate politics.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: I used to really find history boring.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: I mean, so boring.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: Now I love it.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: I love to see how history unfolded, but I found the way that I like to learn about it.
14:54
SPEAKER_00: And that makes a big difference.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: And I have a huge interest in politics now.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: I have a huge interest in finance now.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: I used to find that overwhelming and think I couldn't do it, which was not true.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: It was an old story in my head.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: Now, those changes, they give you information.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: You do not have to argue with yourself all the way back into this previous preference or version of yourself just because it's familiar.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: But I also want to be really clear here about checking for accuracy.
15:29
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to replace every description with a glowing declaration.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: This is not about positive affirmations, will change your life and it will fix everything.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: This is not what this is about.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: If you genuinely don't like large groups, you don't need to call yourself a social butterfly.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: You might say, I prefer talking with one to two people at a time.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: If you really dislike taking financial risks, then you don't need to announce that you're fearless with finance, right?
16:00
SPEAKER_00: You could say, I like to understand the numbers before I commit.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: These are all useful things to know.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: It's knowledge about yourself.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: The point here is to get specific enough that your description now helps you make a choice and the right choice, a new choice, one that's more appropriate to who you are now.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: I don't like crowded parties, leaves room for dinner with a new friend.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm bad with people, shuts down a much larger part of your life.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: Do you see the difference?
16:32
SPEAKER_00: Now the third question is what is the description deciding for me?
16:38
SPEAKER_00: What is this belief deciding for me?
16:41
SPEAKER_00: This is where you look at the consequences.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: If you say, okay, I'm just not creative, does that stop you from enjoying opportunities like the art class we started out with as an example in the beginning?
16:55
SPEAKER_00: If a friend asked you to join her, if you say, I'm not good at asking for help, are you carrying more than you reasonably can handle?
17:05
SPEAKER_00: This is one I have been working on rewriting in my brain.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: If you say, I'm not the kind of person who speaks up, what goes unsaid?
17:16
SPEAKER_00: How much do you bottle up?
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it costs you opportunities, maybe it costs you your health.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it means you keep accepting arrangements that you just do not like.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're interested in something, but you just dismiss it so quickly that nobody, including you, ever even finds out.
17:37
SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself if I didn't use this sentence, would I actually consider this situation differently?
17:46
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to decide you'll do it, just notice whether you would or would not give yourself a different answer, a different outcome.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Let's work through an example here.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: Let's say someone asks you to say a few words at a community event.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: Your immediate response is, oh, I can't.
18:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm not a speaker.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: I don't do that.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: First question you want to ask yourself is, where did that belief come from?
18:13
SPEAKER_00: Where did that statement in your mind come from?
18:17
SPEAKER_00: Maybe the last time you remember speaking in front of people was actually for something you did in grade school, middle school, high school, and you were absolutely terrified.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you even had some of the other kids in the class laugh at you.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: Is that one incident dictating your belief now?
18:34
SPEAKER_00: Second question, is it accurate now?
18:38
SPEAKER_00: So since then, you have likely had moments where you've had to explain something to clients or train employees or lead meetings or help other people understand complicated information.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: That is you experiencing communicating.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Speaking at an event is communicating.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: It might still be new in that format or in front of a group, and you might need preparation and practice, but the evidence is more interesting than I can't because you're scared, but can you?
19:21
SPEAKER_00: Probably.
19:23
SPEAKER_00: Now, the third question: what is the description deciding for me?
19:29
SPEAKER_00: That's deciding that you decline this offer before you even thought to ask what was involved.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: Now, you can get really specific here.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: You can ask and say, how many people will be there?
19:41
SPEAKER_00: How long would I have to speak?
19:42
SPEAKER_00: What would you want me to talk about?
19:44
SPEAKER_00: You might learn that they only want five minutes in front of 10 people on a subject that you know upside down and inside out.
19:52
SPEAKER_00: And then at that point, you can decide whether you want to do it or not, based on some actual information and the real invitation.
20:01
SPEAKER_00: And this works in other directions too.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes even a positive description becomes restrictive.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: That statement or belief, I'm the strong one, I'm always dependable, I can handle anything.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: These are famous for me, and you might have them too.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: Those sound really flattering and they are amazing sometimes.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: But if being the strong one means that you can never admit you're struggling and never ask for help, then that description has become very expensive to you.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: If being dependable means you agree to things all the time that you do not have the capacity to do, and it's taking a toll, you need a more complete definition of this belief, this statement in your head.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: You can be dependable and say, I cannot take that on.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: Remember, no is a complete sentence.
21:05
SPEAKER_00: In fact, knowing what you can and cannot follow through on is actually part of you becoming dependable.
21:13
SPEAKER_00: You can be strong and ask for help.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: When we describe ourselves in absolute terms, we leave very little room for being a person with different needs on different days.
21:27
SPEAKER_00: Here's something you can try when you catch one of those absolute statements in your head or out of your mouth.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: Finish the sentence more accurately.
21:37
SPEAKER_00: For example, I'm not adventurous, could easily become before I try something unfamiliar, I really like to know what to expect first.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: Or I'm not good at making friends, might become, I haven't really had many opportunities to meet people outside work lately.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: I never finish anything.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: That could change to, I've started more projects than I have time to complete.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Now, those are very different situations.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: They may all have some truth in them, but one has power in it and is forward moving in one way is not.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: It's keeping you stuck.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: You can work with a schedule.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: You can look for opportunities to meet people, you can get information before trying new things.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: The more accurately you describe what's happening, the easier it is to decide what you need.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: Then look for one piece of evidence.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: That you might have overlooked.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: If you say you never finish anything, what have you finished?
22:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm betting it's not entirely true.
22:41
SPEAKER_00: It's only part of the picture.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: If you say you can't make decisions, I want you to look for the decisions you have already made this week.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: Even if it's just getting out of bed and deciding what to wear.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: If you say you aren't brave, what difficult conversations have you had?
22:59
SPEAKER_00: What have you faced even while you were afraid?
23:02
SPEAKER_00: And it may not look traumatic from the outside.
23:04
SPEAKER_00: That does not mean it doesn't count.
23:06
SPEAKER_00: If you got up and made the decision to get out of bed, put yourself together, get out the door, go to work, make some meals, you made a heck of a lot of decisions right there.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: So I can't make decisions.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: Would that still be a fair statement?
23:22
SPEAKER_00: No, not really.
23:24
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we set this definition so narrowly that we exclude our own experiences.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: We decide that bravery has to mean something really big, and it means feeling confident and fearless all the time.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: And then every time we act while we're nervous, we call it luck.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: When in reality, many, many brave people, in fact, all the brave people I know are often feeling scared, nervous, uncertain moments when they are doing something.
23:54
SPEAKER_00: So often we decide creativity means being able to draw or paint or something artistic.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: You might think you're not creative because maybe you can't paint or maybe you can't draw, but you're overlooking all the ways that you creatively solve problems or you design a space, whether it's work or home, or put an experience together.
24:16
SPEAKER_00: Give the evidence in your life a fair look.
24:21
SPEAKER_00: And if you don't have enough evidence yet, you can leave the question open.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: I don't know whether I would enjoy that.
24:28
SPEAKER_00: Could be a response.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: How about I haven't learned how to do that yet?
24:31
SPEAKER_00: I would definitely need some help getting started.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: There is nothing wrong with those answers.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to be undecided about yourself in an area that you have not yet learned or explored.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to try something new and discover that you don't enjoy it.
24:46
SPEAKER_00: But how will you know if you don't try something?
24:49
SPEAKER_00: That's information too.
24:50
SPEAKER_00: I tried this and I did not like it, it's a whole lot more useful than people like me don't do things like that.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: Who decided what people like you do?
25:01
SPEAKER_00: And how long ago did they decide?
25:03
SPEAKER_00: Let's bring this back to your life right now.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: Think about an invitation or an interest or decision that you recently just dismissed.
25:15
SPEAKER_00: What did you tell yourself?
25:18
SPEAKER_00: Was it about your actual circumstances?
25:21
SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't afford this right now, I don't have the time this month, I'm not interested.
25:27
SPEAKER_00: Those are circumstances and they are perfectly clear answers.
25:31
SPEAKER_00: Or was it a statement about who you believe you are?
25:34
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not smart enough, I'm not that kind of woman, I'm too awkward, I'm too shy, I'm too whatever.
25:43
SPEAKER_00: If it was, I want you to use these three questions.
25:46
SPEAKER_00: Where did I get this description about myself?
25:48
SPEAKER_00: Is it accurate now?
25:51
SPEAKER_00: What is it deciding for me?
25:54
SPEAKER_00: You might still choose the same answer afterward.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
25:58
SPEAKER_00: But you'll at least understand why you're choosing it.
26:01
SPEAKER_00: Here's this week's reset.
26:03
SPEAKER_00: Catch one sentence that begins with I'm not or I've always been.
26:09
SPEAKER_00: Catch yourself saying it or thinking it.
26:12
SPEAKER_00: Write it down.
26:14
SPEAKER_00: Then answer those three questions and find one example that will support the description you have and one that complicates it.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: Finally, I want you to rewrite the sentence so that it reflects what you actually know.
26:30
SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to give you an example again.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm terrible at speaking up because I find it hard to disagree when I'm worried about disappointing someone, or I find it hard to disagree when I'm worried about being wrong.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: Now, you have something specific here to work on.
26:49
SPEAKER_00: You might practice expressing a preference in a different environment, one that's a lower pressure conversation, or you might prepare what you want to say before you need to say it.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: Now you've moved from a permanent verdict to a situation that you can better understand and address.
27:07
SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear more about this in our free Facebook group, Limitless Living for Women Who Are Becoming.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: What's a description of yourself you have started questioning?
27:19
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you used to say you weren't a leader, and now you can see where you actually have been a leader.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you thought you were uninterested in something until you finally tried it and experienced it.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're just beginning to notice that you have a sentence or two that you have been repeating and believing about yourself, and it's been on repeat for years.
27:45
SPEAKER_00: You definitely don't need to have the answer worked out before joining the conversation.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: In fact, sometimes it's a great place to work the answer out.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: And if you feel like you need a little help sorting through who you are now, what matters to you, and what you want to do with that understanding, visit Frederickandavis.com, email me, take a look, explore working with me.
28:06
SPEAKER_00: And before we finish, I want to leave you with this.
28:10
SPEAKER_00: When you say, that's just who I am, make sure you're including the woman that you are today, the one who has learned things and survived things, the one who has changed her mind and developed new abilities and discovered all sorts of preferences.
28:27
SPEAKER_00: Because she deserves to be part of the description.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for spending this time with me today.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: If someone came to mind while you were listening, please send her the episode.
28:37
SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't left a rating or a review or liked and subscribed, please do so.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: I would really appreciate it.
28:44
SPEAKER_00: It helps other people find the show.
28:46
SPEAKER_00: Until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.