Latest / True Comfort / Regret, Loneliness, and the Love of Christ with Monique Duson

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Regret, Loneliness, and the Love of Christ with Monique Duson · True Comfort

• Teasi Cannon (00:01) Hi, I'm TC and I want to welcome you to true comfort where it's our desire to live out 2nd Corinthians chapter 1 verses 3 and 4 which assure us that we have a God who comforts us in all our afflictions and encourage us to share the comfort that we've received with others who need it. And I want to welcome my friend and guest Monique Doucans. Monique, thank you so much for being here with us today. Monique Duson (00:26) Thanks for having me Teasi Cannon (00:28) So I have been so excited about having this conversation with you and I have no doubt that our listeners are gonna be in for a treat. But before we get started, can you just share a little bit about who you are and your ministry? Monique Duson (00:42) Yes, so I'm Monique Desson and I am the president and co-founder of the Center for Biblical Unity. We exist to have Christ-centered, biblically-based conversations on race, justice, and unity, and now many of the critical social theories overall. We started in 2020. My co-founder is Krista Bontrager. And together we live out here in Los Angeles, California, the very wild, wild west. Teasi Cannon (01:08) Yeah. Monique Duson (01:09) really working to equip believers on how to address the issues that they're seeing in culture from a historically Christian position. Teasi Cannon (01:20) Yeah, and I cannot recommend enough the book that you two wrote together, ⁓ Walking in Unity. Yes, I'm gonna put a link to that book in the show notes, but it is one of the most helpful books, I think, on these topics that you just mentioned. What I love about the book is that it not only addresses all the truth, the biblical truth, the cultural questions, Monique Duson (01:26) Walking in unity. Teasi Cannon (01:47) as they really are, but you give so many practical tips talking about specific situations that really leaves people not only having to self-reflect in a real way and in a good way, but also with some action steps so that you're not just left going, ugh, know, feeling like there's no hope. You offer the biblical hope, which is so necessary because I think, you know, I'm not nearly as much of an expert at all as you and Krista are, but. As you know, many of the world's suggestions on how to heal the brokenness of our times leads you to more pain. There's not really hope at the end of it. You just feel like it's a pendulum swinging back and forth between one wrong to the next. And so I really appreciate what you guys do. I love your tenacity to just wrestle down biblical truth. Monique Duson (02:29) Yes. Teasi Cannon (02:37) and also logical truth. you're helping people think clearly. So I can't recommend your ministry and your book highly enough. And I just want to thank you so much for it personally. But I just also really have appreciated the times I've gotten to talk with you in person. You're just really a relatable person, a real person. And I just have to mention, no, you're funny. You're real. Monique Duson (02:59) petty person. ⁓ Teasi Cannon (03:03) greatly appreciate that and I think just as a funny thing I actually really love that you and I both share this need for lotion. just, my family and friends know that I absolutely must have hand lotion at all times and I know that's true of you too. So that is a fun ⁓ connection that we have. Okay. Monique Duson (03:23) Okay, now I have a question before we even, I don't know how I'm flipping the interview. I am not the interviewer. Pardon me. What is your favorite lotion? Like, where do you get it? Like, what's the scent? Like, what is, like, everything is good if I have this lotion. Teasi Cannon (03:29) No, go ahead. Yeah, I typically go with just a basic gold bond, no strong fragrance. And what's interesting is I have found that the more fragrance, the less moisture I get in my hand. It's like, I feel like, it smells good, but it doesn't last long. I don't know. What about you? What's your favorite? Monique Duson (03:58) Okay, so right now it is Perfect in Pink from Bath and Body Works. This is a discontinued fragrance and they recently had like their like a half year sale and they brought it back and I grabbed so many because I love this scent. But you're right, like if I look at like a Curil or something like that, like it's more ⁓ moisturizing. But then it kind of... Teasi Cannon (04:05) Hmm. That's funny. Yeah. Right. Monique Duson (04:28) gives me like the sticky vibes too. So I find like that bath and body works, but you know, hey, this show is not sponsored by B &B, but we just, you gotta talk about it. Teasi Cannon (04:30) Yeah, you're right. You're right. Right, that's right. But it is, fun. Just a fun connection point and everyone, I guess, will all be going out to try it because I'm curious now about that scent. So thank you. Monique Duson (04:51) I'm just saying. Teasi Cannon (04:52) So as Monique Duson (04:52) It's a good one. Teasi Cannon (04:53) we turn from from lotion, just as a reminder to listeners what we do each time I have an episode, I'm inviting a guest who has intentionally studied the reasons for the biblical worldview And I'm inviting them to open up their heart to share with us about an occasion or an ongoing. confusion or just a situation with pain. where they have needed God's comfort and then to share with us why they feel that God's comfort is trustworthy. So I'm doing that with the prayer that we will all see that we are not alone in our pain, that we are not fools for trusting in God's comfort, and that we will bolster our own tool belt for the times when we struggle with doubt or pain in the future and also be better equipped to help others who might need our encouragement. And so Monique has agreed to come on the show to encourage us in this way and I am just going to let her start where she would like to start. So thank you again Monique. Monique Duson (06:02) No worries, thanks for having me. ⁓ Gosh, okay, so I would say in my journey of singleness, I've definitely needed the Lord's comfort and wisdom and... even his firm hand at times, because it's not something that I think the church often talks about. So let me give you a little backstory. I was born and raised in Los Angeles. I was definitely born at a time when a lot of the conversation to black women was, hey, you are strong. Your goal is to be ⁓ a strong black woman, to be a phenomenal woman, as I believe it's Maya Angelou would have said. And so... there was just a lot of messaging that you don't need a man. You can go back to like 90s hip hop and there was a lot of that like I can do it on my own. I'm an independent woman and all of these things. And as I grew up, I don't know that I necessarily. ⁓ Teasi Cannon (06:51) Mmm. Monique Duson (07:06) went into life, into young adulthood with this idea that, I'm just going to stay single for the rest of my life. It was just more of, I'm going to do me. And in doing me, I am going to work hard. I'm going to get an education. I'm going to, you know, climb the ladder in social service. I'm going to travel. I want to live abroad. And if a guy comes along, great. But if he doesn't, well, I can do anything a guy can do. And I can probably do some of those things better. Teasi Cannon (07:17) Mm-hmm. Hmm. Monique Duson (07:39) move forward, way forward to 2025 and 47 year old me. And I am reconsidering some of those things. Was this exactly the best way and position to live my life? Was I misled? Did I get the hoodwink and bamboozle? And there are many, I think, things that happen both inside the church and outside the church that promote an idea that if you're single, Teasi Cannon (07:45) Hmm. Monique Duson (08:09) things gone wrong. So fast forward, I lived in South Africa for four and a half years. And for people who lived or are part of the South African culture, and let's see, I was 36, I lived there from 36 to 40. And being that old, and I wouldn't even say that 36 is old, but being that old, I was considered like a spunkster or like an old maid or... Teasi Cannon (08:33) Wow. Monique Duson (08:37) you know, like someone who is defective because I am not yet married. That was their culture. In my culture, I was like, well, I'm just, I'm just doing me. I'm just living life. come back home and I'm still like there is a is a air I think about singleness among many women of like you know I'm just gonna do me and that'll be fine but what I don't think many people understand is that at some point there often comes the question of well why didn't you get married? ⁓ you don't want to be married. Teasi Cannon (09:12) Hmm. Monique Duson (09:15) I was telling you before we started that someone had mentioned to me, God has given you the gift of singleness. I'm so thankful that God gave you the gift of singleness. When I am like, honey, return that gift to sender. I don't know that God has given me the gift of singleness. I do know that there are some choices that I've made that have led me to be single up until this point. And now when I look at the dating pool, I'm like. Teasi Cannon (09:25) Right. Yeah. Monique Duson (09:44) it's rough out here. These dating streets are rough. My gosh, they're rough. But the, the... Teasi Cannon (09:45) Hmm. Monique Duson (09:53) idea of needing God's comfort in that is strong because there are days when I can be very down on myself and like, ⁓ I definitely chose the wrong way or I don't have kids or a husband because of the things that, you know, I once believed and where that led me into. I also think that there are many questions at times that come up. Well, is there something defective about me that keeps me single, that makes me remain single where, you know, I haven't been found by my husband who finds Teasi Cannon (10:18) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (10:23) why finds a good thing. Well, I haven't been found yet, but I don't know that that's necessarily the best way to think about it either. And I don't know that I've ever actually been taught like... or discipled in church on how should we think about singleness versus how do we think about those who are married? Many times what I see, I could not, know, I'll be completely honest, I could be looking through a biased lens, but when I hear, you know, things about family in the church, it's always the husband, wife, and the kids. Where do we consider those who are single who don't have that as part of our, you know, family? When... Teasi Cannon (10:57) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (11:06) I've been in churches and will do like the Lord's Supper. will encourage the families to get together. Well, where do I stand? You know what I mean? And you know, I have great friends who go to my church and they'll include me and invite me to come and stand with their family. But I've been in some churches where it's just like, I'm just going, me and the Holy Spirit, we are a party of two. So here we are standing with that. But I think in an Teasi Cannon (11:13) Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Monique Duson (11:34) Please, I feel like I am jumbling all over the place in relationships. But it is a outside issue where you're quite aware, as I travel and speak and meet people. I am aware that I don't have a ring on my finger. You know what mean? In a sea of people who do, I think that that creates its own level of doubts and discouragements, but also questions. But there's also just not a lot of talk. Teasi Cannon (11:37) No, you're doing great. Yeah, keep going. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (12:03) about it in church of like, hey, this is what it means to grow in your faith and to grow as a human who is obedient to God. What does, you know, our creation mandate in Genesis mean? You know, how do we not only work, but how do we marry? How do we raise kids? How do we create culture? And all of those things that we see from the very beginning, singleness is not a curse. Teasi Cannon (12:28) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (12:34) And, you know, there, think that marriage also has its benefits. Singleness can also have its benefits. I've had many a conversation with people who are like, girl, you should be so glad you're single. Where I am like, oh, you know, in, I want to say it's first Corinthians. I believe it's first Corinthians. First Corinthians, somewhere near 25, where it's talking about the unmarried. Teasi Cannon (12:44) Yeah Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (13:03) And it says, yeah, think it's verse 28. It says, but those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. One of the things that I don't hear a lot of are the, what are the many troubles in this life that married people will face that, you know, Paul may be wanting to spare me from as a single person? Teasi Cannon (13:12) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (13:28) One of the places where I've landed recently in trying to remain content is the fact that married people will also face many struggles. And as a single person, I will also face many struggles if the Lord does not have for me to marry. The goal isn't to become married so I can be a better person or to stay single so that I can be this type of person. The goal is always, how do I please the Lord in whatever season of life that I'm in? Teasi Cannon (13:35) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (13:58) And yet, acknowledging that as a single person, sometimes my heart and my emotions can be very wrapped up in the reality that I am single. And then, you know, how do you navigate all of that? I don't know, I've said a lot. Yeah. Teasi Cannon (14:14) Yeah, I think the thing that is, mean, thank you for sharing all of that. Thank you so much. What I was hitting me as you were talking is just how many times you were saying that the church itself is not seeming to address you, your life circumstance, your experiences as a single woman. And I'm wondering, how does that feel? because you're living your life serving the body of Christ, and yet you're going into these situations in churches where it seems like they're not even seeing you. How have you reconciled that? Monique Duson (14:52) I think it's just more of the idea of, you know, one, it's not intentional. Two, you know, when I say it's not intentional, I'm saying like there's not this like exclusion. It's more of the conversation just happens to generally go this way. ⁓ And so there's that. Like, I don't think there's any ill will or anything like that. Teasi Cannon (15:12) Right. Monique Duson (15:18) But then two, also remembering that my identity cannot be in whether or not there's a ring on my finger. I can't allow my identity to be completely shaped by that, even though there are aspects of it that definitely impact my daily life. For example, ⁓ on a funny end, like, Teasi Cannon (15:36) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (15:45) I don't like to pump gas, kill spiders, or take out the trash. That is not for me. But yet I do those things on a daily basis because I don't have somebody else to do that for me. Now I know there are some women who will say, my husband doesn't kill spiders, and I pump my own gas, and I take out the trash too. And I say, honey, I am sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you, but I'm sorry. But on the other side of that, another practical Teasi Cannon (15:49) Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Monique Duson (16:14) reality or two is that if I hear a noise in my house at one in the morning, I have to get my own gun. You know, I have to go in and defend myself. Like there is no one else who's come into that rescue for me. And then I would say even on a deeper level is that at the Center for Biblical Unity, our main message is family. We are family. And I am often promoting a message of family, much to the reality that in this physical world, I don't have that core concept of family, meaning I don't have the husband and the two kids and the little picket fence in the house and things like that. Yes, I have brother, I have sisters, and yes, the body of Christ definitely comes in as my family. But when we are thinking of this concept of true family and... promoting that idea of familial unity, that is something that the Lord has me proclaiming as a single person. Teasi Cannon (17:13) Mm-hmm. Right, and that is something I love about how you frame in your, even in the book, how it explains that and just that beautiful sense of how we should be relating with one another as an actual family. I'm wondering as you, know, it's wonderful. Like I love that you are finding your identity. Like that's such a key for all of us and no matter what it is that we're facing that our identity needs to be in Christ. But I'm wondering if you ever navigate regret, you know, looking back and you know that feeling of regret. I can't be in your exact shoes, I know I can look back at decisions I've made and feel just feel regret and sometimes it can feel really heavy. ⁓ Do you ever navigate that and how does the Lord help you through that? Monique Duson (18:06) Yes, so I think there is, gosh, it's twofold because there are days when regret is heavy. ⁓ you know, for example, I've been to a couple weddings in the last two years or so and the comments, people make the weirdest comments at weddings. Like, someone asked me, so where's your date? And I was like. Okay. And my immediate response was just tears, like uncontrollable tears. And I was like, what the heck is this? Like, I am not that one. And so there was that, but you know, how do I, how do I stand with someone even in my regret? Teasi Cannon (18:37) Yeah. I'm sorry. Mm. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (18:56) So yeah, like regretting some of the choices that I've made, some of the people where I was like, you know what, I'm really not interested in dating or I'm really not interested in doing that with you at this point. ⁓ Or thinking like, I just don't need a man. Like I don't need this, whatever that is. Whether I was seeing some of my friends' struggles in their relationships and then making that decision of, I don't need a man to. you know, hey, I've been encouraged to really be the best woman that I can be at all times. And that does not call for a man. I think there are a lot of regrets that do weigh heavy on you. And I think in that in that regard, it's still about going back to God and asking him for comfort, asking him for clarity, asking him for forgiveness, even when I start to get super down on myself and the. realizing the times and places where I put my own thoughts above the scripture's thoughts. You know what I mean? Like ⁓ in regards to family and even what does it mean to be a woman and what does it mean to be a human person? All of those things in relation to marriage. Teasi Cannon (19:56) Right. Monique Duson (20:10) there have been times where my regret has led to repentance and thinking like, hmm, you know what? I definitely need to repent here because this was some erroneous ways of thinking, but I also can't allow my regret to lead me into a place of ⁓ like some kind of self-condemnation or this what could be seen as humility, but it's really a false humility. Teasi Cannon (20:15) Mmm. Right. Yeah. Monique Duson (20:37) where I'm just kind of condemning myself and I'm no good and I shouldn't have No, well, that's actually kind of rooted in pride too, because it's like, well, what does God say about you? And so there's those things, but I can also say though that ⁓ there are times when I'm thankful that life didn't go the way that I was planning, because for me, being a strong black woman who can, you know, Teasi Cannon (20:47) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (21:04) who doesn't need a man and things like that, some of those decisions were looking at paths of surrogacy. And that wouldn't have been the best option either. And so I'm grateful that even in my ⁓ lack of wisdom and lack of understanding, are things and ways in which God closed doors and didn't allow certain things to go forward. Teasi Cannon (21:16) Right. So is that one of the ways he comforts you, like just pointing out providential involvement, looking back? Monique Duson (21:37) Yeah, and the reality that I can trust him. Like even in the midst of my own, you know, poor choices or erroneous beliefs or things like that, like I can still trust God. If God can bring me from a mindset of like critical theory and all of that queer theory and believing that abortion was right and all of that, if he can bring me away from that, if I can trust him in that, I do believe that I can trust him in my singleness. Teasi Cannon (21:40) Mm. Monique Duson (22:07) It's just hard, but we don't talk about that hardness. It's much easier to talk about the times when my mind may, you know, wonder back on, well, is systemic racism really, you know, that, like, are we really dealing with that? How should I be thinking about this? Or, you know, is CRT maybe a better option? Like, I can talk about my doubts there, but having public discussion on singleness and doubts in marriage and... Teasi Cannon (22:22) Mm-hmm. Right. Monique Duson (22:34) wishing that I had chosen a different route or thinking about pregnancy and you know at 47 like my body is not going to be having a baby these days. You know what I mean? So the pain and the doubt and the discouragement that come from that is just not something that we readily talk about. And when I say we, it's I can fully accept that you know in a lot of ways it's my own boundaries and my own privacy and things like that. But I don't see others talking about it either. Teasi Cannon (22:43) Hmm. Right. Mm-hmm. Right. Why do you think that is? Monique Duson (23:09) I think there's a lot, at times there can be a lot of shame around it or lot of confusion. ⁓ A lot of questions of is something wrong with me. I think what I generally have heard more lately is this, well the dating pool really sucks and ⁓ there's no good guys out there. Well the good guys aren't married, like a lot of them, a lot of the good guys are married. But let's not be, you know. Teasi Cannon (23:13) Mm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (23:35) too quick to think that, then that means that there are only the bad ones, because, the bad ones are married too. Unless, you know, the crazy ones are married too. But we're still in a lot of ways, I feel like, putting that blame on something else or someone else, and maybe it's the fact that, I need to sit down with the Lord and really take an inventory of what did I do? Where did I go wrong? And... Teasi Cannon (23:41) Right. Yeah, that's true. Right. Hmm. Monique Duson (24:04) I just don't know that people want to have that conversation. I don't know why it's not being had more. I'm grateful even in my, like we talked about my hesitancy in, in, you know, having this public conversation. I'm glad that we are because maybe there's someone else who is single who's like literally Lord, what the heck is going on? My encouragement would be to trust his timing and to know that he knows best, but you also can't be, you know, some kind of hermit just all up in your house. That's me. I'm not gonna lie. ⁓ Teasi Cannon (24:21) Yeah. Right. ⁓ gosh. Yeah. Monique Duson (24:32) If you want to find me, you got to come to my house. If my husband don't like knock on my door delivering my package or something, I don't know, because I'm in the house. But then again, I think many a true word are spoken in a joke. And so in the middle of that joke, think part of what we could seriously be talking about is, well, where do you find a solid man? Teasi Cannon (24:47) Mm. Monique Duson (24:56) is that always, you you got connected with someone through a friend and the majority of marriages do occur because their friends introduce them to other people. So you see, I'm looking at you like when are you going to introduce me to somebody? you know, it's, you know, and a lot of a lot of a lot of hookups, unfortunately, are coming through that online world. I don't know that I necessarily feel comfortable with going to that online world, but we don't have Teasi Cannon (25:05) Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (25:26) in my opinion enough conversations on, I actually know someone or hey, you know, where are you looking? Are you looking? ⁓ And, you know, are you actually open and available? I think for much of my life, even though I would have been, even though I am single and was single then, I don't know that I was either open or available in my heart posture, in my mind or you know what I mean? Like there was always something else that was preoccupying me from that. Teasi Cannon (25:51) Mm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So are you saying now that you are open and available? You just said, so I know, I'm sorry, I had to go there because I'm like, so can we make this official? You are saying. ⁓ Monique Duson (26:03) You just asking all kind of things on this You know, say it, Lord, let the Lord use you, girl. OK, so yes, I would say, yes, I am. That is something that my heart desires. Marriage is something that my heart desires. And yes, I am open and available. ⁓ And even that, like I noticed, like there's a little twinge in my heart. Like, father, did she ask me this question? And I'm not really saying it. But yes, it's true. Like, I, that's a desire of my heart. So yeah, I am open and available. And. Teasi Cannon (26:20) Mm-hmm. I know. ⁓ Monique Duson (26:40) Like it can't be something that you are ashamed of. So I will say this to single women as well, instead, or single men, instead of, you know, holding this posture of, don't talk about it. I think actually talking about it more and being like, hey, yeah, I am open and available. I am, you know, seeking marriage and seeking ⁓ relationship, but also being clear and, you know, what's your purpose for doing that? Teasi Cannon (26:44) Right. Right. Monique Duson (27:09) You know, there's a lot that goes into it outside of the benefits of sex that should influence your decision to, you know, purposefully get married. Teasi Cannon (27:24) And I would say, you what I'm thinking of as well is in saying I'm open and available, having your identity in Christ, like what you just said, like, why am I, what am I looking for? Why would I be open and to what am I open? But also, how does that relate, to your hope for the future? When you look at the future and the future is unknown to all of us, what would you say you anchor your hope into not knowing what will happen? Monique Duson (27:56) My hope is still anchored in Christ, whether I get married or not. You know what I mean? Because Christ is the one who will ⁓ truly satisfy me, who will ⁓ lead and guide me. And that doesn't mean that my husband wouldn't lead and guide. But I cannot put my identity in him. I cannot say that I am now complete because of him. Because if I never get married, that means I'm never complete. Teasi Cannon (27:59) Mm-hmm. Right, that's so good. Monique Duson (28:25) I don't believe that. I believe that it is in Christ. that has to be my first anchor. And from my husband, that has to be his first anchor too. He has to love Christ more than he loves me. And so the idea of my anchored hope, my anchored hope is in him, in Christ, because I could get married on Monday and my husband could get hit by a bus on Tuesday. Like I cannot anchor all of these things in this one person. Teasi Cannon (28:36) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's right. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (29:01) As much as I may love that person and want the best for that person and desire to be with that person, I can't lose myself in that person. If, you know, does that make sense? Teasi Cannon (29:14) Absolutely. You know, I'm married, obviously, but I say all the time, my source is not my husband. and my identity isn't in him. I mean, he's part of my life and of course I see myself as his wife. But when I'm suffering and I'm dealing with the darkest days of my life and the most pressing issues, I don't go to him. He might hear about it, but he can't solve it. He can't actually give me answers that settle my soul. He cannot be the anchor for my hope, no matter what. And I think ultimately, that is one of the biggest messages of your ministry. But also as believers, all of us have this great news that our identity, our hope, ⁓ our remedy for pain, it's all anchored in Christ. It's anchored in an eternal being that doesn't change if my husband's in an accident tomorrow or if I lose... my identity isn't in my abilities. I could lose my abilities. And so that is such an important reality and a truth for all of us. Monique Duson (30:29) I think you hit on a good word, you know, like my darkest days and that those were your words. And I think that that is another aspect of singleness that doesn't often get hit on. ⁓ Teasi Cannon (30:33) Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (30:44) especially among those who are married is because many people marry so young that by the time they're 47 they have, you know, had their kids and the the darkest days of singleness light years behind them. And you know, that is that's something that I would, you know, encourage single people to maybe be more honest in is that there are dark days. Like, just because I'm getting on here and I may not be crying or you know, like I'm still smiling does not mean that there are not dark days, days when you literally are like, God, what the literal heck, like. Teasi Cannon (31:01) Right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Yeah. Monique Duson (31:24) Really, Jesus, there are dark days when your heart is just clenched and you're like, just, don't know that I can do it anymore. Like, I don't know. And I think this is the part where I always want to push people to though. It's like, yeah, that may be there today, but I don't put all of my trust in my feelings. That, but, and I don't. Teasi Cannon (31:31) Mm-hmm. Right, yes. Monique Duson (31:49) And I don't neglect those feelings either. My feelings are true. My feelings are valid. Well, and when I say true, I am not talking about like this highest truth. I mean, in that moment, what I am feeling may be based on a true reality. So this moment, I am feeling very sad. I am maybe feeling discouraged or whatever. And that is true based on this current reality. ⁓ And yet there is something that is even more true. Teasi Cannon (31:53) Mm-hmm. Right. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (32:16) that is that I am not alone, that I do have a father who loves me, that, you know, there are people in my life who, even if they don't understand singleness to the depth that I am experiencing or the pain of singleness to the depth that I may be experiencing it, I can still share with. And I think that... singles tend not to share a lot of that pain, which then continues to keep us in that pain alone instead of maybe sharing with even someone who's married like, today is really tough. Pray for me, because today just, it just is heavy. ⁓ I wish that either I would have done something different or that the Lord would bring my spouse or whatever that is for you. But. Teasi Cannon (32:41) Mm-hmm. Yeah. Monique Duson (33:03) knowing that as the body of Christ and as the family of God, we can bear with one another, we can bear one another's burdens. And that's not just something that married families or married couples do and then singles do together, but that that could be things that are shared intergenerationally ⁓ between those who are married and those who aren't because we need to be a healthy functioning body. Teasi Cannon (33:12) Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah, what, I mean, as you're saying that, I'm thinking, what are ways that, let's say, a single person does reach out to us, a single friend reaches out on one of their darkest days, what is the best way to encourage you? Like, can you give some wisdom for those that are listening, who really do truly want to give the kind of encouragement that's beneficial, what would you say? What kind of advice can you give? Monique Duson (33:57) So I think it's gonna be different for every person. Like whatever, what ministers to that person, that's where the relationship comes in. And so as singles, we cannot just be so isolated or aloof from community that people don't know how to speak to us. For me, it... Teasi Cannon (34:02) Okay, right. Mm. Good point. Monique Duson (34:15) it's things of just understanding, like yeah, like that would be hard. I may not be able to fully grasp, you know, this idea of singleness, but we've all felt alone. You can feel alone in marriage. So let's not, you know, think, well, only singles feel alone. No, I know people who, they are alone in their marriage. And so in that regard, it's like, yeah, like I know that, Teasi Cannon (34:25) Mm-hmm. yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Monique Duson (34:45) because loneliness I think might be the bigger issue. Teasi Cannon (34:48) Right. Monique Duson (34:51) I know that that hurts. know that that's hard. I may not know loneliness from the position of singleness, but I definitely know loneliness from this position here. Want to go grab a cup of coffee, want to talk on the phone. How can I pray for you? that just being in that, that deeper space as opposed to, you know, well, you know, I'm sorry to hear that. Or, you know, I just can't really relate or trying to fix it. Well, you know, Charlie has a friend Dale. Teasi Cannon (34:53) Hmm. That's good. Monique Duson (35:20) So, you know, those aren't always helpful. But then also, like I would say to the single person, you also have to make yourself known. ⁓ You can't live isolated within your community. Teasi Cannon (35:21) Yeah, right. That's good. Monique Duson (35:39) and then expect people to just automatically know how to either speak or help meet those needs or, you know, minister to you when they only see you on Sunday for 20 minutes. Teasi Cannon (35:47) Mm-hmm. I think that's great advice for all of us. think, you know, I have been in places where I've had a deep need or desire, wish that the church was showing up for me in some way, but then you have to be honest. Have I even ever said anything about it? Have I ever, have I been honest about my needs We need to help people know us and that's what families do is we wanna be known and we wanna know each other. And that takes intentionality and questions and being present. And that's such a great encouragement for all of us. in any area, but I am really glad to be hearing about specifically this issue with regard to friends who are single. just so thankful that you're sharing your heart this openly with us and helping us to recognize this particular experience. I'm wondering, If you could share what it is that gives you personally confidence that God's promises, you've anchored your identity to Christ, your hope is in Christ, what gives you confidence that that is real and true? Monique Duson (37:11) Well, let me start off by saying, yes, I have anchored my hope and my trust and my identity to Christ. And that does not mean that there aren't hard days. That does not mean that doubt doesn't come in. That does not mean that my thoughts don't get flooded or overwhelmed. don't want to put out this, the grass is just so green. Let's go frolicking on the lawn. That's not. Teasi Cannon (37:21) Yes, absolutely. Right. Yep. You're right. Yeah. Monique Duson (37:39) That's not what I'm saying at all. There is a reality to the depth of what we're talking about and, you know, understanding that some people, some people really are, you know, hurting with this and walking this road and not really feeling like they can talk to others about it. ⁓ I tend to make light a lot of it. But like I said earlier, many true words are spoken in jokes. That's a bit of wisdom that my grandmother gave me one time. so, you know, understanding that even in the joking moments, ⁓ it might be appropriate to challenge someone on their joke. I know you're joking. I know you're laughing about that. But really, you know, how does that impact you? ⁓ And so... Teasi Cannon (38:07) Right. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Monique Duson (38:31) The question was, you're gonna have to tell me again, girl. completely lost it. Sorry. Teasi Cannon (38:35) Yeah, no, the question is, so it's basically when you're tempted to doubt, like that's what I love about this is you're being, I do too. I have days when I wonder, am I just absolutely insane for believing all of this? Because even talking about eternity, when just losing my mom and I'm gonna see her again, some days you say that and you think, that sounds really crazy. But then I have this file of Monique Duson (38:42) Yeah. Teasi Cannon (39:03) evidence that kind of starts coming through and I walk myself through off the cliff, so to speak, know, off the cliff of despair and I'm wondering how do you walk yourself? Is there a line of evidence or a certain particular aspect of the biblical worldview that helps you walk back from the cliff on those dark days of doubt? Monique Duson (39:25) So. I mean, some days it's like you're over the cliff. Like you're just, you're hanging on. Yeah, exactly. ⁓ But what I can say first is that I've tethered myself to some pretty awesome believers who are women who I can send a text to and they will help to ground me back into biblical reality. And so it's kind of like that rope that connects us and here Teasi Cannon (39:30) Clinging with your fingertips? Yeah. Hmm. Monique Duson (39:57) I am sending out my SOS or you know my I can't believe this you know text message and they're able to you know pull me back and reel me back in so and I think that is absolutely important and needed and then Teasi Cannon (40:08) Mm. Yeah. Monique Duson (40:14) ⁓ As far as a line of evidence or ⁓ what continues to ground my hope, I think is the reality of what God has already done. When I look back at where I was eight years ago to where I am today, just as far as ideology and the frameworks that I believed and things like that, if God can be so faithful and intricate and do such deep work that he's still doing, ⁓ Teasi Cannon (40:24) Hmm. Yeah. Monique Duson (40:43) in moving me away from that, I honestly believe that I can trust him to move me where I need to be and that I can trust him with the rest of my life. But that's hard. It's very hard. Because when I look at the future, I am like, okay, I'm not married and am I gonna die alone? Like. Teasi Cannon (40:56) Mm-hmm. Mm. Monique Duson (41:04) Or I'm not married and so when it comes time for retirement, I'm still gonna have to live on my own retirement. It would be so nice if I had somebody else's retirement to live on too. You know what I mean? There are some very real things to consider at 47 when retirement might be 20 years on or less. But I have to go back to... Teasi Cannon (41:14) Yeah. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (41:30) God orders my footsteps. God is the one who I put my trust in. Look at what he did in just the last seven or eight years. If he can do that in the last seven or eight years, look at what he can do with the next 20. I have to keep going back there because if I don't go back there, then my thoughts will take me over the cliff. And one day I just may not send out that text message. You know what I mean? And we don't, or that call, that SOS, we don't want to be... Teasi Cannon (41:40) Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Monique Duson (42:00) We don't want to fully go over the cliff. But I also believe that God's comfort and His grace is so good that even as I inch near the cliff, like He still holds, He still comforts, He still provides. And there is that prayer that is like, okay, Lord, as you do all these things, please ⁓ help me in my unbelief. Teasi Cannon (42:03) Right, no. Mm-hmm. Right. I love that example. I'm so glad God included it in Scripture for us that I believe helped my unbelief. And just the example in the Old Testament of memorial stones, that's huge. What you've seen him do in your life, those are real encounters with his power and his provision and providence. And we all have that. It's so... It's a gift that we can look back at history and connect with our friends and the body of Christ. That's so beautiful. ⁓ What other advice as we, I don't want to keep you much longer, as we get close to ending here, is there any other encouragement that you would want to share for people who are maybe looking back at life and having any feelings of regret or. Monique Duson (43:03) No, you're good. Teasi Cannon (43:16) Or, yeah, let's just do that. Let's, because I was gonna say loneliness too, but that's another bigger topic and you've kind of touched on that. if you could look, know, for people that might be looking back at their past and being in a place in their life now where they wish maybe things were different, but here they are, what words of encouragement might you give them? Monique Duson (43:40) to not allow the regret to paralyze you or to dehumanize you or to ⁓ put you in a place where you think you may be no good, especially for God's kingdom. ⁓ Teasi Cannon (43:56) So good. Monique Duson (43:57) I think that would be my encouragement. We all have regrets about different things. ⁓ Singleness is my struggle and journey and the regrets that I have around that. trust me, I got other regrets too. know what I mean? Let's be honest. ⁓ But don't allow... Teasi Cannon (44:04) Mm-hmm. Yeah, same, same. Monique Duson (44:21) that regret or the choices that you may have made in singleness to paralyze you or to stop you from moving forward, to stop you from trusting God, to stop you from participating in ministry or from doing the things that God is calling you to do. Don't allow your regrets to stop you. I would say, if needed, repent. Teasi Cannon (44:50) Mm. Monique Duson (44:51) repent. always do well holding a posture of repentance, knowing that God forgives. And then from there, ⁓ I would say be open. You know, a lot of times at our big ages, especially if you're single at a big age like me, there's a lot of fear. Teasi Cannon (44:55) Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Monique Duson (45:12) So now I'm holding on to my regret, I want to let it go, but I'm afraid to move forward because I haven't done this in a long time and I'm not really sure what the future would bring. And so, you know, my encouragement would be don't live in that fear. Don't allow fear to paralyze you because we can trust in God. And we surround ourselves with people who also are wise and who will encourage and who will speak wisdom and who if even if you Teasi Cannon (45:27) Mm. Monique Duson (45:40) get it wrong and you date somebody who you think may be a pot of gold and your friends are over there like, honey, he's a dust bunny under the couch. Like, listen to their wisdom as well, but don't allow fear to paralyze you or the possibility of mistakes to keep you from, you know, moving forward. Teasi Cannon (45:50) Yeah. So good Monique. Thank you. Thank you for that. ⁓ I know listeners are going to be encouraged and I just want to say to the listeners if you have been encouraged or you know somebody who would really benefit from all this wisdom and the honesty that Monique has shared with us, I would love for you to consider sharing our conversation and then also don't forget to check the show notes for how to follow Monique and her ministry and also find her incredible book and also consider subscribing if you will so that you miss a single moment of true comfort. Monique, thank you again for being here, for sharing your heart. It has been a privilege and thank you everybody for listening.