Latest / Mathis Family Talks / Raising Bryce Young: Craig Young on Pressure and Fatherhood | Ep. 18

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Raising Bryce Young: Craig Young on Pressure and Fatherhood | Ep. 18 · Mathis Family Talks

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: And so I was becoming someone that I did not recognize.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: And then what was worse is I was becoming someone
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: that he did not want to be around. So maybe
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: when he was about sixth or seventh grade, he went
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: to my wife and he was like, you know what?
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Not only do I not want my dad to coach
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: me anymore, I don't even like being around him.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: That's really profound.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: You know that audible reaction you just heard that I heard?
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: That was like a dagger to my heart.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Because all I wanted was a relationship with my son.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: That was it because I didn't have one. And so
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: I knew on my, since I didn't get it from
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: the son angle, I was going to get it at
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: the father angle. And I wanted this guy to be
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: my best friend and this was going to be my guy.
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: And so I was ruining that.
• 0:50
  Speaker 4: Fathers have to fix themselves before they can fix you. Yeah.
• 0:56
  Speaker 4: Or before they can guide and raise you properly.
• 0:59
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: I'm Judge Greg Mathis.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: And I am Linda Mathis.
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: Welcome to Mathis Family Talks.
• 1:13
  Speaker 5: Welcome back to Mathis Family Talks. Joining us today is
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  Speaker 5: Craig Young, a mental health professional, president of the Young
• 1:21
  Speaker 5: Nine Foundation, and he's also the author of Growing Up Young,
• 1:25
  Speaker 5: One Family's Faith Journey to the NFL. He is also
• 1:28
  Speaker 5: a father of three, including Heisman Trophy winner and former
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  Speaker 5: Alabama Crimson Tide standout Bryce Young, who now plays for
• 1:36
  Speaker 5: the Carolina Panthers, who beat our Lions last week. So
• 1:40
  Speaker 5: we won't hold that against you too much. But welcome
• 1:43
  Speaker 5: to Mathis Family Talks.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: Thank you. Thank you for having me. But first, before
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: we do that, we got to correct one thing because wifey's...
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: In the background of the camera, you said father of three.
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: There's only one. Don't put two extra kids on. Why
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  Speaker 3: did I make that up?
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  Speaker 6: Because you're going to get a brother in trouble. Oh,
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  Speaker 6: that's going to be all over the internet. That's how
• 1:59
  Speaker 6: rumors get started. Talking about all them family values. Got
• 2:02
  Speaker 6: two kids that nobody even know about.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: Look, I'm surprised wifey, she's sitting back there, didn't run
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  Speaker 3: over here. Julie is very restrained. I can feel her
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  Speaker 3: hearing it. She said.
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  Speaker 2: Okay father to one.
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  Speaker 5: Father to one the one and only bryce young but
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  Speaker 5: i guess i want to hear a little bit about
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  Speaker 5: you first i know you grew up out here in
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  Speaker 5: california um i guess talk a little bit about how
• 2:29
  Speaker 5: that shaped you you're a mental health professional today you
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  Speaker 5: do a lot of work through your young nine foundation
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  Speaker 5: with uh youth and particularly folks from underprivileged backgrounds uh
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  Speaker 5: curious to hear a bit about how your upbringing inspired
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  Speaker 5: that journey for you.
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  Speaker 1: Okay so um I grew up, I was born in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: And then my mom moved out.
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  Speaker 3: My mom and my pop separated probably when I was
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: about five years old.
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  Speaker 1: So from there, we moved out and we moved to
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  Speaker 1: Harbor City, California. Shout out to Harbor City, South Bay.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: And Harbor City is a very diverse kind of area
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  Speaker 1: where I grew up. So black, brown, Mexican, Latino. Polynesian, uh, white.
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  Speaker 1: It was just a, really a melting pot, which is
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  Speaker 1: kind of like Los Angeles.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. I was about to say.
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  Speaker 4: Exactly.
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  Speaker 1: So I grew up in a very, um, I love
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  Speaker 1: my childhood and I love the way that I grew up. Um,
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  Speaker 1: just being around a diverse amount of people. Um, so
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  Speaker 1: growing up when my, um, parents split up, I grew
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  Speaker 1: up in a single parent house school. My mom was
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  Speaker 1: a legal secretary. She worked for the, uh, uh, in
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  Speaker 1: the law department and in the, uh, department of water
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  Speaker 1: and power.
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  Speaker 3: And so I was the last key kid. Um, came home, like, walked, you.
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  Speaker 1: Know, stuff that's, that's crazy now, they might have called
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  Speaker 1: children's services on my mom back then, walked myself to
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  Speaker 1: and from school, when I came home, um, had to
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  Speaker 1: learn how to cook, you know, cook my meals for myself,
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  Speaker 1: had to learn to fend for myself, start my homework
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  Speaker 1: by myself, had to learn how to, um, shoot a
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  Speaker 1: basketball by myself, had to learn how to throw a
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  Speaker 1: football by myself, a lot of things by myself, because my, uh,
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  Speaker 1: when my mom and my father split up, my father
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  Speaker 1: stayed in Philly, and, um, I was there, and my
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  Speaker 1: father wasn't really as involved as he should have been.
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  Speaker 1: So I basically grew up in a single-parent household.
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  Speaker 3: You were the only child? I still have an older sister.
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  Speaker 1: So for me, I grew up having to fight and
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  Speaker 1: learn and struggle and to do a lot of things
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  Speaker 1: by myself, and I didn't really have an advocate. And
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  Speaker 1: so when I became a professional and wanted to get
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  Speaker 1: into mental health, That was my thing. I wanted to
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  Speaker 1: be an advocate. I wanted to be able to help
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  Speaker 1: young men and young women to navigate these systems and
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  Speaker 1: to be able to help them survive a system that
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  Speaker 1: wasn't built for them. So that's really kind of that
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  Speaker 1: started my journey along the way. Okay, no, that makes
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  Speaker 1: a lot of sense.
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  Speaker 5: And I'm hearing some parallels between you and my father
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  Speaker 5: because I know you talk a lot about growing up
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  Speaker 5: without having a father figure in your life and how
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  Speaker 5: you learned so much from granddad, you know, to help
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  Speaker 5: shape how you became a parent. Did you have anybody
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  Speaker 5: in your life growing up that kind of served that
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  Speaker 5: model for you?
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  Speaker 4: You see, I didn't meet him until, of course, I
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  Speaker 4: was 20 years old. But more, I want to ask you,
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  Speaker 4: were you angry with your dad? Because people ask me
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  Speaker 4: about that all the time. I only spent two weeks
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  Speaker 4: with him in my life.
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  Speaker 7: But I.
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  Speaker 4: I never missed what I didn't have. What's your thoughts?
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  Speaker 4: And what do you find when you, because you're in
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  Speaker 4: mental health, I'm sure you deal with a lot of
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  Speaker 4: young people in the past and currently. What do you
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  Speaker 4: find from single father household, I'm sorry, from single mother
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  Speaker 4: households where the father is not involved?
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  Speaker 3: So the questions you asked, was I angry?
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  Speaker 4: Were you angry? And do you find that to be
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  Speaker 4: the case with other young men that you deal with?
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: So you trying to get me to start crying up
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  Speaker 3: in here?
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  Speaker 2: Is that it?
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  Speaker 3: You trying to break a brother down? This is the
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  Speaker 3: beginning of what we're doing? But seriously, to answer your question, absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: You're a thousand percent angry.
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  Speaker 1: Because I do remember, because when you're a single, when
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: you're young, and you're young in a single parent household
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  Speaker 1: with your mom, sometimes you become the man of the house.
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  Speaker 3: Way too early. And when you are not able.
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  Speaker 1: To mentally and emotionally handle being the man of the house.
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  Speaker 1: But you were a support for your mom. So I
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  Speaker 1: would know about if we weren't going to be able
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  Speaker 1: to make rent, if the lights was going to go off,
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  Speaker 1: if we didn't have enough food.
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  Speaker 3: I would know all that stuff.
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  Speaker 1: And there was times where I would hear my mom
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  Speaker 1: crying at night because she didn't know how we were
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  Speaker 1: going to make it.
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  Speaker 3: I could see the frustration. So I was absolutely angry.
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  Speaker 4: At him directly.
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  Speaker 3: Directly.
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  Speaker 2: You were a kid dealing with adult issues.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. And just felt like... And then when he was...
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  Speaker 3: And then he had remarried.
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  Speaker 1: And he's a professional. He had means, but he just wasn't...
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  Speaker 1: And I don't want to vilify him because he also
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  Speaker 1: had some really great quality as well. But one of
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  Speaker 1: those wasn't being responsible or being responsible with his money.
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  Speaker 1: And so he did not financially contribute nor... Did I
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  Speaker 1: ever have a father watch me play a game? Never
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  Speaker 1: had a dad come to watch a sporting event. When
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  Speaker 1: I came home and there was a girl that I liked,
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  Speaker 1: and I really didn't know what to say. How do
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  Speaker 1: I say that? I didn't have anybody to talk to.
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  Speaker 1: If there was a bully, like, how do you, and
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  Speaker 1: how do I handle that? I didn't have anybody out
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  Speaker 1: there to take me in the backyard and show you
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  Speaker 1: how to put those hands up. Or when things got
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  Speaker 1: tough and I wanted to quit, didn't have anybody to say, no,
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  Speaker 1: you don't, don't quit. You need to man up and
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  Speaker 1: we're going to figure this out. So those are a
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  Speaker 1: lot of things that I had to learn through trial
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  Speaker 1: and error. And oftentimes, because I didn't have any uncles,
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  Speaker 1: any male cousins, I would find male role models on TV.
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  Speaker 3: Watch the Cosby show. Bill Cosby. I wanted my Cosby family.
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  Speaker 3: I would watch Growing Pains.
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  Speaker 1: And see Alan Thicke, who was a psychologist and all
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  Speaker 1: that stuff. So I would watch father figures or my
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  Speaker 1: friend's dads who I liked and who I thought were
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  Speaker 1: doing a great job. I would kind of mimic them.
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  Speaker 1: And then I made kind of a deal for myself.
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  Speaker 1: I said, when I have a family, I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: do it different. And I'm going to make sure that
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  Speaker 1: I'm not I love him, but I'm not going to
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  Speaker 1: be like him in that way.
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  Speaker 8: Yeah, and so, you know, I think that I would
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  Speaker 8: love to go forward into you being a dad because
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  Speaker 8: we spoke earlier, you know, this week. So I would
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  Speaker 8: love to get into that and, you know, how it
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  Speaker 8: was when you, yes, became a father and also a
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  Speaker 8: father to a son who was looking to have a
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  Speaker 8: promising career that you could help out, that you, you know,
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  Speaker 8: wanted to put your input in and help out with.
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  Speaker 3: So for me....
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  Speaker 1: Probably about three, by three or four, I could tell
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  Speaker 1: my son was very gifted athletically.
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  Speaker 3: You could just tell the coordination. That early? That early. Wow.
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  Speaker 3: You could tell. Now, were you an athlete too?
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  Speaker 4: Sorry.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, but not like that. I was athletic. And my
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  Speaker 3: wife played college soccer too, so she was very athletic.
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  Speaker 3: But you could tell that that young.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, because if I showed him something, he could do it.
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  Speaker 1: But also his ability to take instruction was really advanced
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  Speaker 1: at that age. So like anything else, he was gifted.
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  Speaker 1: Just like if you're a pianist, a cellist, a singer,
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  Speaker 1: an artist, you could tell that those gifts would come early.
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  Speaker 1: So when I saw the giftedness, I was like, okay,
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  Speaker 1: he's not going to squander his gift. And I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to make sure that he is pushed, and I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to make sure that he reaches his potential because I
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  Speaker 1: feel like athletically and sometimes in a lot of areas,
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  Speaker 1: I didn't reach my potential because I didn't have anybody
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  Speaker 1: pushing me. I had to figure things out for myself.
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  Speaker 1: I had to advocate for myself. I had to learn
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  Speaker 1: things for myself. And so he's going to have the
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: best ally and dad that this world has ever seen.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: I'm coming for anybody that messes with him. And I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to make sure that he has every resource imaginable
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  Speaker 1: to be successful.
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  Speaker 3: All sounds great, right? I mean, who wouldn't want that?
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  Speaker 1: But the problem with that is his gift. It's his gift,
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  Speaker 1: and I thought it was... I've started to become like,
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  Speaker 1: this is our gift, and my gift, and it's my
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: responsibility that you don't mess it up. And then the
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: lines became blurred between father... and coach and motivator and
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: um task master and and all those things so um
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: and what i thought i was this was all coming
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: out of love and he would see it um he
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: would see at the at the back end because how
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  Speaker 1: could he not see that i'm loving him because i
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: put in all this time money and resources in him
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: so of course he's gonna feel loved he's gonna be
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  Speaker 1: loved but when you put so much pressure– I was
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: starting to put so much pressure on him, and then
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: our relationship was almost– and his happiness was contingent upon results.
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  Speaker 3: If he performed, he.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Felt like I was going to be happy and he
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: was pleasing his father. If he didn't perform, he was
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: displeasing his father, and the day and the mood would change.
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  Speaker 1: And so now not only does he have the pressure
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: of performing– he also has the pressure of now making
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: sure that I'm happy as well. And that's too much,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: and that's not his responsibility. And so I was becoming
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: someone that I did not recognize. And then what was
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: worse is I was becoming someone that he did not
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: want to be around. So maybe when he was about
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: sixth or seventh grade, he went to my wife and
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: he was like, you know what? Not only do I
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: not want my dad to coach me anymore, I don't
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: even like being around him.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: That's really profound. You know that audible reaction you just
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: heard that I heard?
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: That was like a dagger to my heart because all
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I wanted was a relationship with my son. That was
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: it because I didn't have one. And so I knew
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: on my, since I didn't get it from the son angle,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: I was going to get it at the father angle.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: And I wanted this guy to be my best friend
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: and this was going to be my guy. And so
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: I was ruining that. So I did this equation in
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: my head and I thought about it. If he does
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: not reach his potential, but our relationship is intact, would
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: I be good?
• 13:05
  Speaker 9: Yeah.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: If he did reach his potential, became everything I thought
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: he was going to be and more, but we don't.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: Talk or our relationship is fractured, would I be happy? No.
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: So it changed everything. So I was like, you know what?
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: Whatever happens is going to happen. Now I'm going to
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: put them in the best, still the same things. I
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: put in the best possible decisions to be successful, but
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: instead of, um, the pressure, it became a partnership. We
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: talked about let's strategize together. And if he made a mistake,
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: what did you see? Let's talk about, so if he
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: missed a pass or missed a read, what did you see?
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: What was the coverage?
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: What did you do? So let's talk about how we
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: could do that better. And then, um, Instead of saying,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: and then I was just speaking positive affirmations into him.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: You know what?
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: You work so hard and you're prepared. There's no other
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: quarterback that I'd rather have in coaching as you. There's
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: nobody on this field that can handle you. You are
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: going to be great. And whatever the results are, wherever
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: we end up, we're good because you're going to succeed
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: in life no matter. And so those type of– it
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: really flipped and it became– he had agency and it
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: became something that we were working on together and it
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: became his dreams, his goals, his desires. And I was
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: there to guide him and to participate in there, but
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: it wasn't me forcing it upon him.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: And it's not.
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 14:29
  Speaker 5: I'm really curious to hear a little bit more about
• 14:31
  Speaker 5: that because it's and what that process to regain his
• 14:34
  Speaker 5: trust looked like after or how long it took after
• 14:37
  Speaker 5: the initial conversation with Julie.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: So how did I rebuild that trust? Like anything else,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: like day by day, brick by brick. Now, we are,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: you know. We all senior. We don't keep it 100
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: right now. Let's not act like there wasn't times where
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: I still lost it. I still yelled. But it became
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: better from that day on. And I was very intentional
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: in what I was doing. And even if there's times
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: where I was upset, I would use the training. Because
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: it's funny. I'm a mental health professional. I've done this.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: I've been in counseling. I've done counseling. I know all
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: the tools. I know all the interventions. But when it's
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: your kid.
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: And that's what I was going.
• 15:21
  Speaker 5: Because it's like, I think a lot of fathers and
• 15:23
  Speaker 5: parents in general can relate to this because you want
• 15:25
  Speaker 5: the best for your kids. We all have a little
• 15:27
  Speaker 5: bit of competitiveness inside of us. And if you see
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: something promising, you're going to want to push them. So
• 15:32
  Speaker 5: it's like, how do you balance that while keeping the relationship?
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: And I think.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: I'm big on making sure that... I feel like As parents,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: one of the biggest things that we do that.
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: We could do better at is listening. Oftentimes, we ask kids.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: We don't really ask them what they want or what
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: their goals, what their dreams, or their desires are.
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: We kind of tell them what we want them to do.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Or when we're asking them questions, we don't really want
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: the real answer. We want them to tell us what
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: we want to hear.
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: How do you guys feel about that?
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: I don't think I was.
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: Raised, I think I was told to listen. I was
• 16:16
  Speaker 4: told to listen.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: Well, I'll say this. He thought he had an athlete
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: in rising.
• 16:22
  Speaker 4: Not me.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: Not me.
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: He went the wrong way on the basketball.
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: Did you go the wrong way? It's like the ninth grade.
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: He did. He did.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: He just gave us an excuse the other day.
• 16:38
  Speaker 9: To be clear, to be clear, it was right after
• 16:42
  Speaker 9: halftime when the court switched.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: It was the first play. They went up for a basket.
• 16:47
  Speaker 5: I got the rebound, and I just glitched and went
• 16:50
  Speaker 5: right back up for a putback.
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: It's not like I dribbled down the whole court.
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: And they told him he was getting a promotion. We're
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: going to promote you to manager of the whole team. But, no,
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: this one here, Amir, he was talented in basketball and football,
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: probably finished first in the top ten in his private
• 17:10
  Speaker 4: school leagues in both sports. Right. And he had an
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: opportunity to play college ball at whatever level. And, of course.
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: Who was pushing.
• 17:20
  Speaker 4: What father doesn't want to see that, particularly if you
• 17:23
  Speaker 4: see the talent.
• 17:24
  Speaker 7: Absolutely.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: He was pushing, yes.
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: But it takes a lot. It takes a lot of
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: drive and discipline. But what I was very impressed... But.
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: I want to hop on that, too.
• 17:33
  Speaker 8: Because I remember when we were younger, it almost became
• 17:39
  Speaker 8: like you wanted it more.
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: Than me, and it made me not love it as much.
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: And I think because.
• 17:45
  Speaker 8: You know, I was a great high school player, and
• 17:47
  Speaker 8: I didn't have the college prospects of D1 and things
• 17:49
  Speaker 8: like that. It was easier for me to push it away. But,
• 17:54
  Speaker 8: you know, I think, and I want to ask you
• 17:56
  Speaker 8: this question, too, because for me, I felt that there
• 18:00
  Speaker 8: was an intertwingling and correlation between the way my father
• 18:05
  Speaker 8: saw me on the court and the way my father
• 18:07
  Speaker 8: saw me as a son. So if I was disappointing
• 18:09
  Speaker 8: him in sports and stuff, I felt like a disappointment,
• 18:13
  Speaker 8: you know, In all other spaces. Do you ever feel
• 18:15
  Speaker 8: that your son felt that?
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. I think.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: As a father, one, being a dad is tough. And
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: being an African-American dad, a black dad, is hard. Because
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: a lot of the things, as a dad, what we're
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: trying to do so much is we're trying to teach
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: you guys how to survive in a world that is
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: not made for you. that is going to judge you
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: harsher and that is going to expect you to be excellent.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: And then the minute that you aren't are going to
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: use that against you. So it's very, it's a, it's
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: a minefield. And so I think we take the responsibility of,
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: of wanting to really prepare you for this mine Hill
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: that it is to be a black man in the society.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: Now with that, sometimes we forget to do the second
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: part of that and say, Hey, we're preparing you, but
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: so proud of you.
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: Love you. And that, um, that my, when I'm.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: Upset or if I speak harshly, don't get too caught
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: up in the words or how I'm saying it, but
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: really what I'm saying. But then, but then also taking
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: some time to really not talk about whatever the sport is,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: whatever the issue is and just hang out. And I
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: think sometimes because time is so limited between, um, fathers
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: and sons and kids, because everybody's so busy. We try
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: to put, we try to force everything and every bit
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: of information all we can, almost in one sitting. And
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: we're like, okay, here's the game, here's school, here's girls,
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: all that, and we try to get it all in once,
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: and it becomes overwhelming. So I think a lot of
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: times we really need to spend time to really just
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: focus on the relationship. And that's what we did, and
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: Julie and I made a conscious effort to do more
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: about that, is when the game was over, we didn't
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: talk about the game.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: At the dinner table, we didn't talk about that.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: We would watch a movie, we would get something to eat,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: and we would hang out, and we would just really,
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: I wanted to let him know that the whole, even
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: though the world valued him because of what he could
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: do on the football field, we loved him because of
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: who he was as a person and our son, and
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: we really wanted to make that distinction. And we were
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: really intentional on that because I felt like it had
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: gone out of whack. And it was all about football
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: and the sport.
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: And it's interesting.
• 20:43
  Speaker 4: You say you saw it when he was age three.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: And that's why you pushed him in that direction, guided him,
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: if you will. That's how I was as a father, too.
• 20:53
  Speaker 4: I looked for where the skill level was and figured
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: I would guide him in that area where they excelled best. Yes.
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: For example, with him, the other child, he was very academic-y.
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: or what, 95%? I just talked a lot.
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: Hold on, hold on. What you trying to say?
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: I just talked a lot.
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: What you trying to say about my academics? You weren't,
• 21:15
  Speaker 3: yours weren't as.
• 21:16
  Speaker 8: All right, he went the wrong way on the basketball
• 21:20
  Speaker 8: court and I was a little bit.
• 21:21
  Speaker 4: You know. Yeah, you were gifted in your way, he
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: was gifted.
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: I talked a lot and I was a know-it-all.
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: Yeah, like his dad.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: He had to tell you the same thing.
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: What's that?
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: You know, that that really wasn't his passion.
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: Right, correct. Yeah, and I love the way he said
• 21:35
  Speaker 4: it because it gave me the confidence that he was
• 21:40
  Speaker 4: confident in himself. Yes. He said, because I was really
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: trying to convince him, I said, man, I can remember
• 21:46
  Speaker 4: this moment. We were at the movie theater. And I said, man,
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: if you play college ball, you'll be the man.
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: Absolutely. All the guys on campus, they get all the girls.
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: You'll be the man.
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: It's true.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying?
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: You be the man, whatever I do.
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: I stepped back. I never mentioned it again.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: And then he also said.
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: I never mentioned it again. I saw the talent I
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: had seen in him and helped guide him toward that.
• 22:13
  Speaker 4: And now we sit here in the studio he created.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: And he created. That's what I'm talking about.
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: His skill.
• 22:18
  Speaker 7: He was so funny because he also told his dad,
• 22:20
  Speaker 7: he said... When I go to college, I want to
• 22:22
  Speaker 7: have fun. He said, I don't want to be in practice.
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: But your son had that drive, and he knew he
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: wanted that.
• 22:29
  Speaker 8: Well, I think I just want to say, I only
• 22:31
  Speaker 8: said that because... If I, you know, my basketball level
• 22:34
  Speaker 8: skills were D2 college, you know. I didn't want to
• 22:38
  Speaker 8: go to D2 college or D3 and sacrifice so much
• 22:41
  Speaker 8: of my life to not go to the pros. And
• 22:44
  Speaker 8: so it was more like I want to go to
• 22:45
  Speaker 8: college and prepare myself for my life after college and
• 22:48
  Speaker 8: whatever fields and networking in that way. And, you know, fortunately,
• 22:52
  Speaker 8: we grew up in a home where we didn't need
• 22:54
  Speaker 8: to depend on a scholarship and things like that to
• 22:57
  Speaker 8: attend college. So that was, I just want to put
• 22:59
  Speaker 8: that out there. That's why I said that because... I
• 23:01
  Speaker 8: did just want to be a student. Because through high school,
• 23:05
  Speaker 8: everything was basketball, sports. The coaches depend on you. Everyone
• 23:09
  Speaker 8: depends on you and all these things. I just wanted
• 23:12
  Speaker 8: to get rid of that, feel free for a second,
• 23:14
  Speaker 8: and then start the life that I wanted.
• 23:17
  Speaker 4: And did you feel that from him? I never felt
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: that from him. I would have never thought what he
• 23:22
  Speaker 4: just told me, that he felt pressure from the expectations
• 23:26
  Speaker 4: from the coach, from the family. from the friends. You
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: just feel this pressure based on the expectation they have
• 23:34
  Speaker 4: of you because of the talent you have. Is that
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: something I'm sure Bryce went through, no doubt?
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 23:41
  Speaker 4: Not wanting to let anybody down? Yes.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: I remember, so we lived in Pasadena, and then he
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: went to high school in Mater Dei, which is in
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Orange County. So it was an hour and a half
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: drive each way.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: In the morning.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: And I remember distinctly he was– we had to get
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: up like 5 in the morning. And it was time
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: for him to get up, and he just wouldn't get up.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: I'm like, Bryce, what is going on? He just wouldn't
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: get up. And we were leaving, and then I was
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: about to get late to work, and I just tore
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: into him, like, what's going on?
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: What are we doing?
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: And I could just tell he was like, just dad,
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I'm just the pressure so much and I'm just tired
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: and I'm feeling overwhelmed.
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: And I said, okay, you know what? Here, here's what
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: you do. You don't, you don't go to school today.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: You're good.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: You stay home. You do all that. You figured out
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: you take this mental health day, but here's what I
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: want you to do. Whenever you feel in that way
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: and you, it's okay to feel overwhelmed. And so, and
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: it's okay because we all do it. I said, I
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: feel overwhelmed with, with the situation. But what I want
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: you to do is I want you to talk to
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: me and I want you to know that if you
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: don't want to play football anymore, if you want to
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: stop tomorrow, you can.
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: And I'm good. And we will figure out the next thing.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: And I didn't say that like a speech hoping that
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: saying that and kind of in a manipulative way like
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: saying that and then hoping he really never calls me
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: on it. I really meant that. And I still to
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: this day mean it. If he called me tomorrow and said,
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: I don't want to be in the NFL, I'm done.
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: Okay, cool. What's the next thing?
• 25:24
  Speaker 4: On that note, What's the brother? Lance. And he was
• 25:28
  Speaker 4: criticized by some, particularly Stephen A. Smith.
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: For saying, I can't do this anymore. Correct, because I
• 25:35
  Speaker 4: have a mental health issue and I have to address it.
• 25:40
  Speaker 8: Yes.
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: Who then had to backtrack off of that.
• 25:42
  Speaker 4: Let me just make it clear about Stephen A. Stephen A.,
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: I respect him for making the apology.
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: And I have no issues with Stephen A.
• 25:48
  Speaker 4: Smith.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: I mean, well, he did call my kid when he
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: got benched. He did say, he was potentially the biggest
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: bust in the history of the NFL.
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: That was motivation.
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. But it's all good. God has a final
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: say on that.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 26:05
  Speaker 8: I do have a question about that, though. Now at
• 26:08
  Speaker 8: this stage, when you do hear something like that, is
• 26:12
  Speaker 8: that as motivating as people think it is?
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: Sorry.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: So for my son, no, right. He's intrinsically motivated and he, um,
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: doesn't listen to that. And, um, he could care less
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: about what an, uh, what a television personality says, because
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: in his mind, all he cares about is the people
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: in the building, um, his family and his, and his teammates.
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: That's the opinion that matters.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: And his standards for himself are so high that, um,
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: that he expects greatness from himself anyway. So that has
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: no bearing either way. Now, are we.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: Talking about me?
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: That's right. You want to go down to that studio.
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: For real, for real.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: So we're different people.
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: And that's part of.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: The kid who didn't have anybody to stick up for him,
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: for the kid who had to learn to fight bullies
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: by being bullied. and then was like, okay, I'm just
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: not going to do this no more. So if I
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: get my butt kicked, it is, but I can't be
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: scared anymore. Or the one that's like, hey, if somebody,
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: I guess I'm the only person here, so if somebody
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: comes through this door, that's going to be me who's going.
• 27:20
  Speaker 3: To have to protect my mom.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: So that's where I come from. So for me, when
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: you say something about my son, I'm ready to go
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: to war. However, that's not what he needed. And so
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: for me, I had to learn to parent him the
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: way that he needed and what he needed. And for me,
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: for him, he needed me, dad, to fall back, relax,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: trust me, and don't say or do anything that's going
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: to make an already difficult situation worse.
• 27:48
  Speaker 5: Now, I saw him talk about recently also about how
• 27:50
  Speaker 5: he doesn't, he doesn't really have a presence on social media.
• 27:54
  Speaker 5: is that something that he developed as a result of
• 27:57
  Speaker 5: the pressures that that can create or something that you
• 27:59
  Speaker 5: all have worked with him on or raised him?
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: A little bit of both.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: We, we, we, as parents, um, we monitored his social
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: media a lot and we made sure, uh, uh, we
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: didn't really encourage him.
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: He, he, he had, he had all this stuff.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: He had all this stuff that kids were, but we were, um,
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: we had a very strong opinions about social media, but
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: also one of the main things that, um, we talked
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: to him about, uh, me and my wife talked to
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: him about was we identified the dish, the, um, the
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: differences between conditional and unconditional love.
• 28:26
  Speaker 8: You talk about all the stuff you've learned, but I
• 28:29
  Speaker 8: think that we're leaving out one very important person to
• 28:31
  Speaker 8: really dive into, who is your wife, who is here, Julie.
• 28:35
  Speaker 4: And I just, you know, I.
• 28:36
  Speaker 8: Think that's so important and great because, you know, with
• 28:40
  Speaker 8: my mom, it was... you know, she's the person. When
• 28:43
  Speaker 8: he gets mad at me still, he'll call her.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: And that's, I have a question about that too.
• 28:48
  Speaker 7: I know you mentioned your wife, Julie, brought it to
• 28:50
  Speaker 7: your attention about, and your son went to your wife.
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: He did.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: And told her.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: He did.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: But what was it like before that?
• 28:56
  Speaker 7: Because I'm sure your wife knew things and saw things
• 28:59
  Speaker 7: that was going on. And if she's anything like me,
• 29:02
  Speaker 7: it sounds like she's probably gritting her teeth.
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: Gritting her teeth, rolling her eyes.
• 29:06
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: So did it cause tension between you two prior to this?
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: Yes, but.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: My wife is very, very patient, and I'm so blessed
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: that she believes in me, especially for someone like me
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: who needs someone to believe in them. So I think
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: she trusted that I was going to figure it out,
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: and also she knew how much I loved him and
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: how much I loved her. So I think she knew
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: where it was coming from, but I know she knew that–
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: I could tell she knew that it was getting a
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: little bit out of control.
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: And if he didn't say anything, I know she was
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: going to do it.
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Well, yeah. And I just, you know.
• 29:50
  Speaker 3: Go ahead.
• 29:51
  Speaker 8: Just the, you know, and I love that question. But,
• 29:54
  Speaker 8: you know, she looked at you and told you Bryce
• 29:58
  Speaker 8: doesn't want to be around you anymore.
• 29:59
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 30:00
  Speaker 8: What was that immediate reaction that you felt and that
• 30:04
  Speaker 8: you saw? And did you deep down know that that
• 30:07
  Speaker 8: was the case or was it a.
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: Complete shock to you? No, I could kind of, I could, I.
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: Saw it coming.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: I saw it coming.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: I could tell he was gotten, he's gotten a little
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: bit colder and a little bit.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah. I'm sure doors slammed and everything else.
• 30:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: And so when she told me, um, she's, she doesn't
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: really yell. She's never really yelled at me like that. So,
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: but she's, has a very calm way, and she's soft-spoken
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: but super direct.
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: Because I'm more of a– I use my words.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: So sometimes when I talk to people, especially as a therapist,
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: I'm able to give them the information in a way
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: that they can handle and digest it.
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: In a slow manner. Yeah, so it's slow manner.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: So you get it, but you don't feel bad. It's
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: a learning process. We're going to help you get through it.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: She was like, hey, I want to be around you.
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: So you need to figure it out.
• 31:03
  Speaker 4: If you could give our viewers, particularly the dads, some
• 31:07
  Speaker 4: insight on how to handle a child that's very talented
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: without ruining the relationship, even if that's later on in life,
• 31:17
  Speaker 4: what would you advise them to do?
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: First and foremost, deal with your issues with your parent,
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: with your childhood. growing up, if you think that unresolved
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: mental health issues or unresolved trauma or unresolved resentment are
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: not going to impact or inform the way that you parent,
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: you're lying. You're lying to yourself. So one, do the
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: work on yourself. Two, don't... Athletics is only one area
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: that we as black people can.
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: Impact the world and be successful. So.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: What I would encourage them is to find out what
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: your kid really loves, one. Two, do everything you can
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: to help them to reach their full athletic potential, whatever
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: that is, commiserate to their talent, and be okay with that.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: Then spend an equal amount of time making sure that
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: their grades are straight, making sure that they have social
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: and emotional intelligence, and making sure that whatever sport they're in,
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: that they're a great teammate, that they're coachable. And guess
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: what you've done? You have then molded and created a
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: future CEO, a future attorney, a future physician, a future
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: business owner, because all those skills prepare you to dominate
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: in life. And we need to start thinking about this
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: thing holistically rather than focusing on these– creating this athletic dream.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: I love that because I think you've said this yourself.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: Your book, Growing Up Young, One Family's Faith Journey to
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: the NFL, is more than just about football. It's a
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: parenting book, how to raise well-rounded children. And you may
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: have just answered that question and what you said before.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: But if there is one thing you would want to
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: impart on parents from what you have to offer in
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: this book, what would it be?
• 33:24
  Speaker 4: Listen. Listen.
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: To your listen to your uh listen to your.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: Wife or that's all yeah yeah uh listen to your
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: your young person and make sure that um you keep
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: your family and um what's the most important for your
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: family the most important thing because at the end of
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: the day that's all that we really have and so
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: um That's really what I wouldn't want to impose.
• 33:51
  Speaker 4: The most important thing is to keep them out of
• 33:53
  Speaker 4: the ghetto, right? Yeah, to keep them out of the ghetto.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: And then also the last thing I want to, so
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: it's going to be two things, but the other thing
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: is to do not let anyone write your story or
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: tell you what you can or cannot do, can or
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: cannot achieve. Because through this process, we were always told
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: that he was too small, that at.
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: Some point, this thing, this.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: Dream that we're doing, that it's going to, that there's
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: going to be a ceiling. And I get a lot
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: of credit for his success, but I don't take that
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: because I feel like that's God's success. But one thing
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: that I will do that I will take credit for
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: is when along this journey, what I did do was
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: I prayed and I was made sure that I felt
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: like what I was doing was aligned to what God
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: wanted us to do, right? And then I never let
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: anyone who wasn't involved in that prayer conversation obscure me
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: from my goals. And a lot of times we're going
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: the right direction, but we'll let some people outside of that,
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: who don't know what you and God talked about, who
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: don't know your plan, and we will listen to their advice.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: We will listen to their doubt. We will listen to
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: their small-mindedness, and we will allow them to influence us
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: and take us off the path. I never did that.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: And I have followed that path. And that's one of
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: the things I'm very proud of.
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: You know, the most profound thing I've heard so far,
• 35:24
  Speaker 4: and you've said a lot of profound things, but the
• 35:28
  Speaker 4: most profound is fathers have to fix themselves before they
• 35:35
  Speaker 4: can fix you or before they can guide and raise
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: you properly. Because black men in America, you just referred
• 35:43
  Speaker 4: to all the obstacles that Those coming up in poverty,
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: it's like post-traumatic stress disorders, what they experience. So in
• 35:52
  Speaker 4: that sense, we brought up in a war zone. We
• 35:54
  Speaker 4: have those traumas. We have these self-imposed limitations. And so
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: sometimes you go and you try and do things to
• 36:07
  Speaker 4: keep your children from having to deal with the same obstacles. Yes.
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: You're teaching them in a way that would be better
• 36:20
  Speaker 4: if you had fixed yourself first. I can teach you
• 36:23
  Speaker 4: better if I'm better.
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 36:25
  Speaker 4: If all I'm trying to do is avoid you making
• 36:28
  Speaker 4: the mistakes that I've made without fixing myself up, it's
• 36:34
  Speaker 4: a little disjointed there. That's profound from you. I'm going
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: to tell you, I'm going to run with it.
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: You said that way better than I said it. I'm
• 36:42
  Speaker 3: going to run with it. If this mic wasn't secured,
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: I'd just drop it.
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: No, that's, and this came from you. That's what I
• 36:51
  Speaker 4: heard you just say. And it's something that's a revelation
• 36:55
  Speaker 4: for me and certainly for a lot of other fathers.
• 36:58
  Speaker 4: Fix yourself before you call yourself trying to guide and
• 37:02
  Speaker 4: lead anything.
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: Yes, sir.
• 37:05
  Speaker 5: Yep.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: What was the hardest habit for you to break?
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: So many. Let's see.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: The hardest habit for me to break was to feel
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: like I needed to make the decisions for him. And
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: so for a while, especially when you're guiding the ship,
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: When you're guiding the ship and guiding the direction.
• 37:34
  Speaker 6: And I'm 18.
• 37:34
  Speaker 4: What do I mean? You are a teenager. And then.
• 37:39
  Speaker 3: And then the decisions that you have been making have
• 37:41
  Speaker 3: been kind of working. So you feel like just listen
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: to me. I got this. Just listen to me. But
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: he's 16, 17, 18.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: They have to start giving their own autonomy. They have
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: to get an ownership. Because the problem is, like you said,
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: we want to develop men. And how can he be
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: a man if I don't allow him to be do
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: man stuff.
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: And make his own decisions.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: And even in the hardest habit was sometimes, you know,
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: a decision probably it's not going to be good. And it's, and, and,
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: or I don't really agree with that, but you know what?
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: You have to let it happen. And so they can learn,
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: have their own journey. So that was the main, so
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: relinquishing control.
• 38:27
  Speaker 3: There it is. I would be interested to hear from
• 38:29
  Speaker 3: all of you.
• 38:30
  Speaker 5: You know, you hit on a little bit, but just
• 38:32
  Speaker 5: the transition of relinquishing control and, What do you guys
• 38:36
  Speaker 5: have to say about parenting adult children and keeping that
• 38:39
  Speaker 5: relationship strong?
• 38:40
  Speaker 3: How do you balance that?
• 38:43
  Speaker 7: You know, and you should be able to answer that
• 38:45
  Speaker 7: when it comes to your mother here. Because I'm a
• 38:47
  Speaker 7: firm believer, you know, that when you, like you mentioned,
• 38:50
  Speaker 7: that you kind of started to relinquish control when your
• 38:53
  Speaker 7: son was about 16, 17.
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: Because you do want to see what your kids, how they.
• 38:59
  Speaker 7: You know, react to different situations. You want to see
• 39:02
  Speaker 7: whether it's going to be positive or negative, whether you
• 39:04
  Speaker 7: agree with it or not. And sometimes you.
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: Don't agree with it.
• 39:07
  Speaker 7: So, therefore, I was the type of person where I
• 39:11
  Speaker 7: wanted you guys to make your own decisions.
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: And I think we kind.
• 39:15
  Speaker 7: Of clashed in that way a little bit because you
• 39:17
  Speaker 7: were more of a control person and wanted them to
• 39:21
  Speaker 7: go in certain directions maybe faster than they probably would
• 39:25
  Speaker 7: have gotten there. But I think they would have gotten
• 39:27
  Speaker 7: there because I think we did the right thing in
• 39:29
  Speaker 7: raising them. So I was probably more of a sit-back person,
• 39:33
  Speaker 7: let you make your own decisions, as opposed to us
• 39:36
  Speaker 7: having different styles when it came to that.
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: He was more of a, I need you to do
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: it right now. Or I need you to be there
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: right now.
• 39:42
  Speaker 4: I'm like, that would ever say. That's that hyper attitude. Yes, yes, yes.
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: If you say he's going to do something, it's like
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: he's doing it now.
• 39:53
  Speaker 5: And then to your point, like you said, you know
• 39:56
  Speaker 5: that your decision's been working.
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: You know what you're talking about. So you're like, just
• 40:00
  Speaker 3: do this.
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: Right, right.
• 40:02
  Speaker 7: Those steps have to be there so you learn how
• 40:04
  Speaker 7: to do it.
• 40:05
  Speaker 4: Well, my part, my.
• 40:09
  Speaker 4: My approach was guiding based on what I observed in
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: the child. Yes, sir. And so each of my children,
• 40:18
  Speaker 4: I observed something, and I said, well, let me at
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: least guide them toward the options. And so I think
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: I did that. But life was so fast-paced for the family,
• 40:32
  Speaker 4: particularly for myself. I worked during the day, went to
• 40:36
  Speaker 4: law school at night, ran politicians, ran campaigns for politicians,
• 40:42
  Speaker 4: had a youth agency, just everything. And I went from
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: jail to judge in 15 years. So you could tell
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: the work that had to be done. And so in
• 40:52
  Speaker 4: that sense, me being on a fast track didn't give
• 40:55
  Speaker 4: me a lot of time or knowledge. I didn't have
• 40:58
  Speaker 4: a knowledge of anything outside of advice, guidance, discipline, and
• 41:07
  Speaker 4: other means of... encouragement or force. And so in that sense,
• 41:14
  Speaker 4: how would you tell our fathers to handle that? Should
• 41:18
  Speaker 4: they just be disciplinarians? How much emotional involvement should you
• 41:23
  Speaker 4: have in your children's lives? I didn't have time to
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: come home and say, do you have a girlfriend at school?
• 41:29
  Speaker 4: So I say that to say, why don't you let
• 41:32
  Speaker 4: our fathers know the sacrifices you make how you reconcile
• 41:40
  Speaker 4: that with having a family where you're emotionally attached just
• 41:45
  Speaker 4: as much to driving them and yourself towards success as
• 41:51
  Speaker 4: you are cultivating a relationship.
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: That's a great question. That's a great question.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: What do y'all, I've heard this term, sometimes people say
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: life be lifin'. Yeah.
• 42:02
  Speaker 3: You heard that term? So, sometimes life be lifin', right? And,
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: You have to do.
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: Whatever you have to do to keep food on the
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: table and to pay that mortgage. Or if you're a
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: father or mother and you have career goals, you have
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: things you have to do.
• 42:21
  Speaker 4: Traveling salesman.
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Sometimes you have to do
• 42:26
  Speaker 3: what you have to do.
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: So what I don't want to do here is just
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: make sure that there's, like, if you can't be there
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: all the time and make people feel vilified or have judgment.
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: Because I understand, like I said, sometimes we have to
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: do what we have to do to survive. So what
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: I would say with that is if any mistakes that
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: you make as a parent, because you're going to make them.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: I've made plenty of them, and that's why I always
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: like to preface this when I talk about stuff. And
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: that's why I wrote the book. I was not a
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: perfect parent, made plenty of mistakes, and still make them.
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: But if you make a mistake, make them out of love.
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: Make them with humility. and be able to humbly apologize,
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: be able to ask for forgiveness, and be willing to learn,
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: and be willing to be a parent who experiences life
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: with their children and with your spouse and with your
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: family in the most unique and in the most present
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: way possible. And if you are gone in life, you've
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: got to work two jobs and go to school and
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: all that stuff. If you have, when you get home,
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: if you have 10 minutes before you go to bed,
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: if for those 10 minutes you put your, say you have,
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: let's make it 20, right?
• 43:46
  Speaker 3: And you have kids.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: For 10, for 10 minutes, you take those kids and
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: you ask them what their day, how their day was,
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: what was their high of the day, what was their
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: low of the day. You share with them what my
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: high or low of the day and you give them
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: a hug and a kiss and you tell them how
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: much I love them and how proud I am of
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: everything today. And then for the other 10, Do the
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: same with your spouse and then go to bed and
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: do the grind again. You have still emotionally connected.
• 44:10
  Speaker 3: You have still.
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: Let everyone know that they felt value, that they felt love,
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: and they felt heard. And then when life stops lifing
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: and you're able to spend more time, then you will
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: make the adjustment as such. But sometimes it's really about
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: the connection, the intention, and the love. Because sometimes the
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: time we can spend can be variable, but that should
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: be consistent.
• 44:36
  Speaker 4: Boy, you fathering fathers today. Because a lot of us
• 44:40
  Speaker 4: need to know that because a lot of us didn't
• 44:42
  Speaker 4: have fathers, so we have no idea what to do
• 44:45
  Speaker 4: about our role. Every father I had was distanced until
• 44:48
  Speaker 4: I met her dad at age 20.
• 44:49
  Speaker 3: And so.
• 44:51
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, you're father and fathers, and you're a
• 44:53
  Speaker 4: very valuable person to our society.
• 44:57
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 44:57
  Speaker 4: Particularly our people.
• 45:00
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 45:00
  Speaker 4: Particularly we need this type of knowledge.
• 45:02
  Speaker 5: Absolutely, and I think you do a lot of that
• 45:04
  Speaker 5: through your Young Nine Foundation also. You do a lot
• 45:06
  Speaker 5: of work with, like I talked about, underprivileged kids, particularly
• 45:10
  Speaker 5: around mental health. Yes. What is it that you hope
• 45:13
  Speaker 5: to accomplish with the foundation and with the organization?
• 45:15
  Speaker 3: That's a great question. Thank you for teeing that up.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: We want people to be early adopters to mental health
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: and to being able to intervene and to use mental
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: health interventions, to be able to, um, talk about mental health,
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: to be able to seek mental health counseling, because, um,
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: at some point we all are going to have some
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: sort of mental health, um, challenge. So what we do is, uh,
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: we use our platform to talk about mental health and
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: Bryce will do it. Um, and, um, in, in his
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: interviews or in, um, our special segments that he does
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: with the NFL. We then will raise money and use
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: our philanthropy to provide funds for local community mental health agencies.
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: We sponsor two in Charlotte. We sponsor a couple, one
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: in Orange County, and we sponsor another one in Pasadena.
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: And so then we also put on camps, dinner at
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: our camps, We teach football, but we also do a
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: parent workshop, a mental health clinic, and we do interventions.
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: And then in our workshops– I'm sorry, in our camps,
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: we have local mental health vendors and practitioners there, and
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: we introduce them to the people that attend the camps.
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: So it's holistic. So it makes a holistic– One.
• 46:33
  Speaker 4: Of the things I want to ask, and I guess
• 46:35
  Speaker 4: you can tell us more about your agency, but I
• 46:37
  Speaker 4: have to ask things while they're on my mind.
• 46:38
  Speaker 7: Uh-oh.
• 46:39
  Speaker 4: Maybe I'll forget to ask, and I think it was
• 46:42
  Speaker 4: very important. It was very important because I've forgotten already. Oh, Lord. Exactly.
• 46:49
  Speaker 3: One follow-up on that.
• 46:51
  Speaker 5: I know I heard you talk about, well, you do
• 46:53
  Speaker 5: talk about your faith a lot in your book. We've
• 46:56
  Speaker 5: talked about that today and how that guides you and
• 46:58
  Speaker 5: your family.
• 46:58
  Speaker 7: Absolutely.
• 46:59
  Speaker 5: Absolutely. We also had a conversation just about how there's
• 47:01
  Speaker 5: a difference between pastoral counseling and mental health counseling. Can
• 47:05
  Speaker 5: you talk a bit about how you marry that with
• 47:07
  Speaker 5: your own faith and how you view those two things
• 47:10
  Speaker 5: being maybe complementary or how they work together?
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: So first, I want to know pastors about me. I
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: love me some Jesus.
• 47:19
  Speaker 4: As do we. But we don't believe in praying in
• 47:23
  Speaker 4: a way. Yeah, yeah.
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: Now, they don't have to be diametrically opposed. We can
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: integrate both of them. You can seek counseling, and you
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: can talk to a mental health professional and still talk
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: to your pastor and figure out what my counselor says,
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: and then now how can I apply that spiritually, and
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: how can I apply that to my prayer life? How
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: can I have people praying for.
• 47:47
  Speaker 3: Me for that? So we can marry the two, but
• 47:52
  Speaker 3: we don't need to exclude one for the other.
• 47:54
  Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: So I don't think they have to be opposed, but
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: I also think to understand that they are different.
• 48:00
  Speaker 3: Thank you for that.
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: And not vilifying people who are having mental health challenges
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: and saying and making them feel like they have some
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: crisis of faith or that. they're not praying hard enough
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: or that they're under that it's in this and are,
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: are just blaming it on the enemy. Just some of
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: that church speaking things that we, that we do. And
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: don't be, don't be coming at me church. Cause I
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: told you, I love you Lord, but let's just keep
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: it on.
• 48:26
  Speaker 5: And that's what I said. I really do see that
• 48:28
  Speaker 5: there's been a lot of progress made in this space.
• 48:30
  Speaker 5: And I know I've talked to you about.
• 48:32
  Speaker 3: Her, Dr.
• 48:32
  Speaker 4: Anita Phillips.
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: I don't know if you're familiar with her.
• 48:35
  Speaker 5: She preaches here often at my church here at one
• 48:38
  Speaker 5: church here in LA, but she, um, You know, she's
• 48:41
  Speaker 5: a mental health professional as well as a pastor.
• 48:43
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 48:43
  Speaker 5: And she speaks very often about the need to marry
• 48:46
  Speaker 5: both of those.
• 48:47
  Speaker 3: Well, let's talk about the book. Let's talk about the book.
• 48:49
  Speaker 3: Growing Up Young. Yes.
• 48:52
  Speaker 4: I read a portion of it, and you had a
• 48:55
  Speaker 4: little bit of... On Amazon, they have a description. Yes, yes, yes.
• 49:00
  Speaker 4: That's what I read. Yeah, there you go. Fake.
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: No, no, I appreciate that.
• 49:05
  Speaker 3: I'm honored you read that. I do commit to finishing
• 49:07
  Speaker 3: the book.
• 49:08
  Speaker 4: And if I knew how to navigate the internet with
• 49:12
  Speaker 4: digital purchasing, I would have. I still don't know how
• 49:16
  Speaker 4: to get an Uber Eats. If that was the only
• 49:19
  Speaker 4: way to eat.
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: Lord have mercy. if you call me one more time... Oh, no.
• 49:23
  Speaker 4: Am I right or wrong?
• 49:24
  Speaker 9: If you call me one more time, I got to
• 49:26
  Speaker 9: tell you the same thing. I called him from across
• 49:29
  Speaker 9: the country. I'm just glad he figured out how to
• 49:31
  Speaker 9: call the Uber now. Still not Uber Eats. I got
• 49:34
  Speaker 9: the Uber, but not the Uber Eats. You got to
• 49:39
  Speaker 9: marry the two.
• 49:41
  Speaker 4: But yeah, so I did read a little, and I
• 49:45
  Speaker 4: was impressed by your humility about how and seeing how.
• 49:51
  Speaker 4: you were able to both inspire your son and also
• 49:55
  Speaker 4: learn from him through your own trials and dealing with him.
• 49:59
  Speaker 4: Tell us more about the book.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: So, one, I'm thankful that you're impressed by my humility.
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: So I hope my wife heard that.
• 50:07
  Speaker 3: Yes. Say that about me, please. You know what? I
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: am so impressed by your humility. You heard that?
• 50:14
  Speaker 4: Oh, wow.
• 50:15
  Speaker 3: I'm glad.
• 50:16
  Speaker 7: Yes.
• 50:17
  Speaker 4: You know he was.
• 50:18
  Speaker 6: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
• 50:21
  Speaker 3: You too.
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: They'll miss me.
• 50:24
  Speaker 3: Another thing we got in common.
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: So the reason why I wrote this book was oftentimes
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: people would say, how did you do it? And then
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: I would tell people fragments of it, but I was like,
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: you know what, this is a larger question, and I
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: think it has more of a macro appeal. So let
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: me write a book so I can explain kind of
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: what the process was. And then one, explain the things
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: that I did well, the things that I did not
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: do well. And also just to let people know that
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: there wasn't a magic potion. There wasn't one single instance.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: What it was was just a process, and it was
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: a family who really committed themselves. And it wasn't about
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: getting into the NFL, but it was about giving our
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: son the best opportunity to be the best at his
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: chosen profession. his chosen craft, and then also relying on
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: our faith through some significant financial challenges and financial decisions
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: and also a concept that this thing that we're doing
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: had an end date and potentially wasn't going to be
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: successful based upon So it's kind of that journey of
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: really navigating that. And then because this was such a
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: huge task, I then became so consumed by it that
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: I became a person that I did not recognize, nor
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: did I respect. And then finding that and making that adjustment,
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: but I made that adjustment, one, because obviously my wife
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: brought it to my attention, but.
• 52:08
  Speaker 3: Also because I then.
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: reintroduce myself and re committed myself to my faith in
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: a different way. And that where it was like, you
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: know what? It's not about me and it's not about
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: my control. It's not about my ego. It's not about
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: how smart I.
• 52:26
  Speaker 3: Think I am.
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: It's really about trusting, trusting God and, and doing his
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: will and being able to submit to that and to
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: work as hard as I can, irrespective of the, of
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: the outcome and praising him, Through it all. And then
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: being satisfied with the result.
• 52:48
  Speaker 4: And this is a roadmap you have to reach that.
• 52:51
  Speaker 3: Yes, sir.
• 52:51
  Speaker 4: And that's why we want everybody to get Growing Up Young,
• 52:54
  Speaker 4: One Family's Faith Journey in the NFL. Check it out, please.
• 52:59
  Speaker 3: On Amazon and it's on audiobook. It's on Audible. That's right.
• 53:06
  Speaker 3: You got the voice on the audiobook. I did voice it.
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: All you got to do is, growing up young, or
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: you can go to my Instagram, at C-J-B-Y-O-U-N-G, link in bio,
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: and pick that up.
• 53:19
  Speaker 3: I think it'll bless you. All right.
• 53:21
  Speaker 4: All right, man. That's what we want everyone to do.
• 53:25
  Speaker 4: And we also want everyone to hit like and to
• 53:31
  Speaker 4: hit subscribe. Yes, sir.
• 53:33
  Speaker 3: Thank you for joining us. Oh, no. Man, it's been
• 53:36
  Speaker 3: my pleasure. And thank you, Julie, also.
• 53:38
  Speaker 9: Julie.
• 53:38
  Speaker 7: Yes.
• 53:39
  Speaker 3: Come over here and say hi. I love that woman.
• 53:41
  Speaker 4: Please come into the camera and say.
• 53:43
  Speaker 3: Hi if you don't mind. Come on, baby. You want
• 53:47
  Speaker 3: to sit right here?
• 53:47
  Speaker 2: This is who we should be.
• 53:48
  Speaker 5: Yes.
• 53:49
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 53:50
  Speaker 4: There you go.
• 53:51
  Speaker 2: She changed Bryce's life.
• 53:53
  Speaker 3: She did. Say hello to the young. I bet you that.
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: No. Yes.
• 53:56
  Speaker 4: There we go.
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 53:58
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 53:59
  Speaker 7: Beautiful.
• 53:59
  Speaker 4: Thank you for the great job you've done. Thank you.
• 54:02
  Speaker 3: And for inspiring so many other families to do the same.
• 54:05
  Speaker 4: Thank you. Yes, you all are a great example for the-
• 54:07
  Speaker 4: Learning from each other. Thank you, guys.
• 54:09
  Speaker 3: No, and thank you for you. You're an inspiration.