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Episode #176: Why Most Resolutions Fail—and What to Do Instead · Beyond Labels Premium

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you can stop criticizing yourself, I think this is one of the most important things you can do to not only become a healthier, happier, more free person, but to create a healthier, happier, freer community and world.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason I think that is because emotions are contagious.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: This is one thing we know it actually is contagious.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so um, so I wanted to dive into this because I had already known some of the research behind this, but then in the last two weeks, when I've witnessed it, I've witnessed how me changing this fundamental change at my core has changed the way my children interact with each other.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's changing how they speak to each other, like the words that they use.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's changing how I interact with my friends.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like if a friend starts, um, you know, we all vent, and there's a there's a time and place for that.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it could be very therapeutic.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: But I've also now become aware of when one of my friends is putting herself down, and I will just offer a word of encouragement, and it completely immediately shifts her mindset.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: Hi, everybody.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome to another episode of Beyond Labels.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_02: Happy New Year to everyone.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your co-host, Joel Salatin, the farmer, along with our favorite researcher, Dr.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Cena McCullough, who takes us on a bit of a tangent today.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: Uh a new year, and it's always fun to uh for us to learn to a lot of times when we do these episodes, we've each been reading or learning or seeing something new, and so it's always interesting to see what the other person has been thinking or reading or or you know uh wrestling with uh recently.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: And so sometimes you're enjoying a discovery along with uh with me or her, as the case may be.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: So um so she's she's uh found out about Quitter's Day and emotional contagion and all sorts of cool things, which seems like a good way to start the new year.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: So, Cena, uh, what do you what's on your mind?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I found out that there's this actual thing called Quitter's Day, and which is the second Friday of January, Quitter's Day, and there's a Ditch New Year's Resolution Day, which apparently is always January 17th.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason we have these days is because so many people fail at their New Year's resolution.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, according to which study you're looking at, about 77% of people keep their resolution for one week.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: All right, but by um by the end of the second week, about 88% of people fail.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: So almost everybody fails by the end of two weeks.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Hence, we have now this like National Quitters Day and ditch New Year's Resolutions Day.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So this, I think, is evidence to what I was saying is that, you know, if you really want to do something, you're gonna be motivated to just do it instead of setting this arbitrary date, like, okay, now everybody, January 1st, we're gonna change our behavior.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And it often doesn't work that way.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: And we can get into more about that too, in terms of like, um, usually it's really hard to change a habit because these are coping mechanisms that we have.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: So uh without going down too big of a rabbit hole there, oftentimes uh we develop mechanisms to help us cope with stress and stressful situations, like binge eating or shopping or um being on social media, you know, checking our emails.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: These are all different types of coping mechanisms.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: And um, they calm the nervous system down.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: And your nervous system is really good at bringing you back to activities that help it calm itself down.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you can think of that as almost an addiction, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: The nervous system will drive you to do things that will help you calm down.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so these are actually coping mechanisms that we've developed.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so all of a sudden we're like, January one, I'm gonna change this habit.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: What you're really saying is I'm gonna change this coping mechanism.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And the nervous system doesn't work that way.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: You can't just flip it like that.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of people end up failing at these at their New Year's resolutions, these goals, and then they feel more like failures.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I have stopped doing them.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but before I go on, now that I've totally kind of bashed New Year's resolutions, Joel, do you do them?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: No, well, you know, no, no, I don't.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: I I never have, but that doesn't mean um, I I guess when I feel like I need to make a change, I just I just say, well, I don't I don't care what day it is.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um but I'm I I guess what I'm wanting you to parse out for me to understand, make sure I know where we're going, is um what's the difference between a re a New Year's resolution and and any other objective?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, is this is this something new unique to New Year's resolutions?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: Or I mean objectives are good, aren't they?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, you know, object strategic objections objectives, goals are good.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, who who would say you know, you should never set a goal?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: Um and so is there something unique about the about all of the the stuff around a New Year's resolution uh that makes it a complicating factor for success, as opposed to just well, I'm gonna have a goal sheet here.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_02: Here are my goals, you know, blah, blah, blah.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and this is a great point.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: So they're both goals, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Whether you set a goal during the year or you set it at the New Year's resolution time period.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: And surprisingly, most people don't achieve their goals that they set for themselves.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a very goal-oriented person.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it's probably why why I was a good athlete.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Either that or the athletics I did instilled that um sense of accomplishing goals in me, one or the other.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I do set goals.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing there's a lot of hype around New Year's, right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's it will often encourage somebody to set goals at a designated kind of arbitrary time period, though, that you may not be ready to do that goal.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Versus like during like I do what you do.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: When I see a behavior I'm not thrilled about in myself, or I want to change my career path, for instance, I will set a goal.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: And when I'm ready to do it, I just go do it, you know.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: But this is allowing somebody else to set the goal for you.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes you're not necessarily ready to do it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think there's probably a higher failure rate around the New Year's time than if you had to set that goal and set the deadline for yourself during the year.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: But again, having said that, most people do not achieve goals that they set for themselves.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And a big part of that is because many of the things that we tend to want to change about ourselves are what are actually known as coping mechanisms.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: So you're you have to be ready to change a coping mechanism.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like this is one way, one reason why learning to rewire your nervous system is such a powerful tool because it will help you to change those behaviors.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: So if you do like somatic work, for instance, to rewire the nervous system, which basically means you're helping the nervous system calm down.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: You're using different techniques and strategies and tools to calm the nervous system down.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: It could be like tactile touch, like squishing your toes into the sand, walking on the grass, um, holding this pencil, and I'm trying rubbing my finger across the pencil to really get myself back in my body in that moment.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: So you bring an awareness to the body.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: These things help you to rewire your nervous system, the breathing, deep breathing.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: These are all biblical concepts as well.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you are ready and you change the, you can change the nervous system, you won't rely on those coping mechanisms anymore, which are those quote unquote bad habits that we tend to not like.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, now I will tell you, this is not where I was intending to go with this podcast, but that's okay.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is actually fitting in very nicely.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: So this year, what happened was a few, a couple, uh, so we're only on January 2nd right now when we're recording this podcast.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: We have not hit Quitter's Day yet.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: So we'll see what happens with me.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: So a couple weeks ago, before New Year's, I decided that I was ready to stop criticizing myself.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: So this came to me as a um, you know, one of those shorts, those short videos.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: So people send me these things, and you know, and so I started to watch these shorts and because they're of people I like, like Louise Hay.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: So this I got this short, and it was about Louise Hay talking about how the number one thing that stops us from loving ourselves is self-criticism.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, you and I have talked about this on this program and at our Two Days of Truth Health Summit about how important it is to actually love and accept yourself.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: And that's important on a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual level, right?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: This dis-ease is created from an inability to love and accept yourself, which is tied into forgiveness.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I heard her say it, and I've heard this a million times.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I have given talks on this, but you know, in the moment, Joel, sometimes it's like you heard it for the millionth time, and then that's when it clicked, right?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: So that's when I was ready for it.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I think God sent me that clip at that right time.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: So in this clip, she says that how that's the number one thing that stops you from loving yourself, which I completely agree with.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you think about all the negative self-talk that most of us have, like we're so what I did was the first day I just practiced awareness.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: I just went through my day, trying not to change my behavior, but just noticing what I'm thinking and what I'm saying about myself.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then you can see it in other people as well, about how hard we are on ourselves.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, just you know, like, oh, I don't look good in this outfit, or oh, like I feel fat today.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Or even when we're just talking about random things, I'll say things like, oh, yeah, I'm I'm I'm not really good in math.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's still a self-criticism, even though you don't think, oh, that's not even that really that important.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: When am I using math very much?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's still a self-criticism.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, it's interesting the things we criticize ourselves on because I went through calculus in college.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like I got A's all the way through calculus, and yet I still will hold on to this belief that I'm not good in math, right?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: So we just constantly put ourselves down.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: And now I'm so attuned to it.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm hearing all my friends say negative things about themselves, apologizing all the time for things that they say or do, or you know, just for living, apologizing for being alive.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so in this short, Louise Hay challenges you and she says, You can take a vow right now to yourself that you're just gonna stop criticizing, just stop it.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, okay, easier said than done, but you know, uh, because this is something I've done my whole life.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I did though.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: I said, okay, and but here's the here's the here's the caveat to that.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: We know because these are parts of our um behaviors, their habits for us now.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's really hard to just immediately stop something.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: So the problem is if you then catch yourself criticizing yourself, you will then criticize yourself for being critical of yourself.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: So that's the pattern you have to stop.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: So when you catch yourself, you say, Oh, okay, there's no judgment.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna judge myself that I just did that.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: You simply turn that negative statement into a positive.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: So when I caught myself saying things like, um, yeah, I'm just not good at math, I caught myself saying it.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: I did not beat myself up about that.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: I said to myself, Oh, okay, isn't that interesting?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Let's turn it around.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: I am good at math.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: You just seriously just turn into a positive.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I will tell you, it's been a couple of weeks now.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is life-changing for me.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, seriously, life-changing.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: It has changed every single aspect of my life.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I will go through the house now sometimes thinking to myself, like, I almost want to cry.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like before, I just walked around with all this self-doubt.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, I'm a horrible mom, like I can't juggle the work with the homeschooling and the homesteading.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I, you know, just how difficult all this is to juggle.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And like, oh, I'm a horrible wife, like, I don't do more things for my husband or whatever.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: And now I find myself walking through the house sometimes saying, you know, I'm a good mom.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, I am, I am a good friend.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I am a I am a good, nice person.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: And as you can see, like I'm already so emotional about it because literally how profoundly this has impacted me in just about two weeks' time.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now, it not only impacted myself, it's it's affected my entire family.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's infected my community, the people who I'm around, my friends, right?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's they are now feeling a different type of energy from me.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I am not so critical of others anymore, right?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: You notice it in yourself, and then you start hearing what you're saying to others.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Even again, if it's just subtle things.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, like I rem like I hear some mom saying things like, Oh, yeah, um, like that's my child who's really good at math.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's my artistic child over there.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's the child that's good at sports.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's still a form of criticism at its basic level because it means, oh, you're not the one that's good at math, or you're good at sports, but not math, or you're good at math, but you're not the physical stuff.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I don't you don't want me to be your partner playing pictionary because I can't draw a stick man.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's the same way.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I had um teachers when I was really young tell me that I was really bad at art, and so I never pursued it.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: All I did was like stick figures, and I wish I had it with me.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, next time I will bring a piece of artwork that I did.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: And my friends are like, What do you mean you're bad at art?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's a beautiful painting.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was a sunset, and I painted along, like along to a free YouTube video in the morning one day before anybody was awake.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: And my kids woke up and they're like, You true, like, you painted that?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, like because I have this narrative that I'm not good at art, you know.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: So it's incredible these limited beliefs that we hold on to and how it affects how not only our own health and wellness, but it affects how we interact with other people.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really where I want to go with this is that what I've realized is that you know, a lot of us want to we continue our striving to be like better people, but we also want to help our community and we want to help the world become a better place, right?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like I know that sounds kind of naive and kind of like a thing that you know, Miss America would say, like, I just want a world peace.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: But but what I'm saying is if you can stop criticizing yourself, I think this is one of the most important things you can do to not only become a healthier, happier, more free person, but to create a healthier, happier, freer community and world.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason I think that is because emotions are contagious.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is one thing we know it actually is contagious.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: And and so um, so I wanted to dive into this because I had already known some of the research behind this, but then in the last two weeks, when I've witnessed it, I've witnessed how me changing this fundamental change at my core has changed the way my children interact with each other.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's changing how they speak to each other, like the type the words that they use.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's changing how I interact with my friends.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like if a friend starts, um, you know, we all vent and there's a so there's a time and place for that.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: And it could be very therapeutic.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: But I've also now become aware of when one of my friends is putting herself down, and I will just offer a word of encouragement, and it completely immediately shifts her mindset and it brings her up.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: And if I wasn't in a positive space myself, I would not have the capacity to do that.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: I would probably join her in that negative space, all right.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: And and so one one reason go ahead.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_02: So I I I um I gotta kind of enter before we make go into that next stage of this.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so how how does this reconcile with appreciating your weaknesses?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_02: Be because um, you know, in team building and and you know, all self-help business books, I mean the whole strength finder series, the whole, you know, uh personality tests, all that stuff is about knowing your strengths, knowing your weaknesses, so you can partner up with people who are strong where you're weak.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_02: And and so um, so I I I I I um it is me saying I'm weak in art, is that different?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_02: So so I need a graphics designer to work with me on whatever this project.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_02: Is that the same as as saying I'm not I just I'm not good at art?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it is there is there a subtle difference between I'm not good at art, I can't draw anything, versus that's that's not my strength, so I'm gonna find a partner who's really good at drawing to punch me through this project.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I'm so glad you brought that up because that's a very good point, and I struggled with that for a long time.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, being critical of yourself is different than acknowledging when you may need help in an area.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing wrong with quote unquote needing help in an area because it is actually critical of yourself to think that you should be able to do it all, right?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's another mental trap that we get into, and that's not what I'm saying at all.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm for instance, I don't I would not walk around and say, like, um, I'm good at farming.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I mean that's okay because I have not put my emphasis on farming at this point, right?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: It has not been a priority for me.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that can I become a good farmer?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, I could, right?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: If I put my time and effort and thought into it and sought out expert advice like from you, I could become a great farmer.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: So that's there's a difference between saying, like, oh, I'm not good at that, or just I it's not my passion right now.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not interested in pursuing it.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: So, yeah, so so you just went to the next step of that that I was wanting to go to, and that is um acknowledging my my interests.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_02: In other words, saying I'm not interested in that is different than saying I'm not good at it or I would never succeed at that.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's just I I'm I'm not I'm not interested in that.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_02: That is I mean, I I think we're I'm I'm trying to tease out um honesty about self-awareness, about who I am, because we're we're we're not we're not good at everything.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_02: We're just not.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um and so um and and and we well we're just not good at everything.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_02: And and and so um so I think sometimes in us we the the protection the protection is um something that I have no interest in.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's fine to acknowledge I have no interest in that and I'm I'm I'm not good at that.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: But what I think what you're saying is that's fine, just don't let it tip over to say to say, well, I'm not um I'm not worth anything in that space because it's um it's too hard, or I don't, you know, I'm I'm not good at it.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm not good enough.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: So you hit the nail on the head.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: This is the main difference between it is criticism of yourself is different than acknowledging a limitation that you currently have.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: Those are two different things.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: When you acknowledge a limitation, I think I think for myself, like good leaders, successful people acknowledge when they do have a a current limitation, right?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: So, like for instance, um, I could not do this podcast by myself, right?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I have that limitation that you fill, right?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: And just like you have.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: That limitation that I feel on the health and medical side.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: So together we're a good team, right?
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't sit there and beat myself up about the fact that I'm not a good farmer or that I don't have the knowledge that you have.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't tie myself worth to the fact that I'm not a good farmer.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like I don't tie myself worth or think down on myself because I can't do what you do in a podcast.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_02: Well, one of the best ways that we can uh do it seems to me, and I I know you're wanting to go somewhere, so I don't want to get off on a rabbit trail here, but but for me, um I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude and blessing that in my life is somebody who does understand the chemistry that I'm not interested in.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um that's a hey, I'm freed up, you know.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_02: I'm freed up, and I'm and I and I'm grateful uh to have that that kind of partner that does know that, is interested in it, and loves it.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_02: Huh, now I don't have to do it, you know.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: And see, because you have that positive attitude about it, you're not beating yourself up about this lack that some people consider that a lack, right?
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: You don't see it that way, and I don't see it that way.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: But because you don't you're not beating yourself up about about it, you're positive.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: And now you freed yourself up to do stuff that you are passionate about, right?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a totally different mentality.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: The where we get into problems is when we we tie our worth to it.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so most people um don't ever feel good enough because we beat ourselves up about um these limitations, so-called, that we have.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I made I was very careful with my words and said it's it's a current limitation, if you want to think of it that way, and it's a chosen limitation.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: So the reason you might say I'm not quote unquote good at math isn't because I can't do it.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I proved I can get A in calculus, but it's not a passion of mine.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not interested in it, right?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't see it as a deficit anymore.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Now I see it as a I'm just not interested in that, and I'd rather go learn something more about the human body, you know, like mirror neurons, which is what I want to talk about today.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so with how emotions are contagious.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: But yes, so Joel, I think you're spot on, and I think that's very important for people to understand.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: It is okay to acknowledge that you have these quote unquote limitations, or some people would call quote unquote weaknesses.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't choose to use those words because there's negative associations with them.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's just nothing I'm interested in pursuing right now.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: We're all capable of learning and doing anything we want to do.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just not interested in those things right now, so I'm not gonna beat myself up about those things.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: So, so the main thing is to stop self-criticizing, don't tie your worth to all these different thoughts and behaviors that we have because these are all just limiting beliefs and ultimately constructed by man.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: So if you can just start with, let's stop criticizing ourselves, you know, the first step is just become aware of how much you're actually doing it, and then literally just stop and turn them into positive affirmations.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't have to be, and I'm not saying to lie to yourself, right?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's also um sometimes people get concerned about saying positive affirmations because they're like, oh, well, it's not true.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: So your affirmation could be whatever you want it to be, you know.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: So, like for math, for me, if I if I say, Oh, I'm just I'm not good at math, I can just turn it around to say, um, you know, I'm not interested in math.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's the truth.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not interested in math.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you are interested in math, a truth may be, um, well, if I want to learn that, I can be good in that.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like it could, you know, so it's whatever you want the statement to be.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's just turning it from a negative into a positive.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's just, it's really as simple as that.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I think this is so important because, like I said, you can change your life, you can change your community's life and the world's life because emotions are contagious.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, and now I want to bring in some signs here, but I want to start at this basic intuitive level.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: We already know, all of us know intuitively that emotions are contagious.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason I know that is because of the language that we use in our culture, right?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like laughter is contagious, or your mood's rubbing off onto me.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or we'll talk about like the crowd's energy being electric.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we've all had that experience, right?
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: You go to like a sporting event and you feel the energy of the crowd and it boosh you, and you feel great too.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: This is emotional contagion.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I wanted to do was look into what's actually happening like at this physiological level in the body.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do we know that's happening?
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: And one of them is what's called mirror neurons.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, have you heard of mirror neurons?
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_02: No, I haven't.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: So, this is so cool.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_02: So, so you know, like, have you ever I'm not I'm not smart enough to know about that.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well no, like you just had to poke the bear.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's just not something you're interested in right now.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't been interested in it before today, but I'm terribly interested in it right now.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: So see, my work is done.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: So, um, okay, so Joel, have you ever like maybe Teresa or one of your friends has been sad and you are next to this person and you're hearing them talk, and then suddenly you might start feeling a little sad too.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, has that ever happened to you?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_02: That you might of course I'm a I'm a I'm a hundred percent romantic, Cena.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um I cry at chick flicks, I I I cry all the time.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm a hopeless, which which is which I'm told is healthy because you can, you know, I'm I'm I'm not a um yeah, I'm I'm not an intro, whatever.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um I'm okay.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I I I can cry very I can cry very easily.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's an emotional release, right?
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, and so like if a baby, if a baby laughs, right, and you hear the baby giggle, oftentimes we'll feel like lighter in our bodies.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: We might start feeling a sense of joy, right?
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what's also interesting is that a movie can make you cry even though you know it's not real, right?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like if a dog dies in a movie, I am a mess, right?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Even though I know that dog didn't die in real life, but I'm like yeah, yeah.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: So these things in part all are possible because of mirror neurons, and these are specialized neurons that are in our in the brain, and they're like emotional copycats.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really kind of fascinating how long we've known about this.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, at least in the 1990s, there was some um research done by um Rizzolati, his team discovered mirror neurons in monkeys, and they found that if a monkey was grasping an object, certain neurons would fire in the brain.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then if he if that same monkey watched a different monkey grasp that same object, the same neurons would fire in the brain.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: So whether you've done the experience yourself or you've observed someone else doing it, those same neurons are firing, right?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the mirror neurons.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so this started a foundation of discovering about empathy, or basically how we can empathize and feel emotions of others.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, empathy is actually really, really important for tribal living.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to have empathy to have social organization.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, humans also learn by imitation, right?
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is at the base of our culture is imitation learning.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_01: Think of babies or toddlers, and they parrot, right?
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_01: They parrot everything you do and everything you say.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's the mirror neurons in part that are allowing this imitation learning.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_01: Another way that mirror neurons are activated is by facial expressions.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, like in the early 2000s, there was research out of UCLA.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: They did extensive studies about how these mirror neurons in humans are activated just from you observing facial expressions.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: So you can observe someone's emotions and engage that same area of your brain as though you're having the emotion yourself, right?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: So this is why it can sitting next to a friend who's sad and upset can get you sad and upset because the brain, it's like the brain thinks that it's happening to you, which is I think quite yeah.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_02: This this is why this is why masking had such huge emotional effects on kids, on on all of us, because you you couldn't huh.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, so so what you're saying is that that that masking actually um I'm gonna say shut down, but it it it it disabled the mirror neurons from actually working in the brain.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_01: It could definitely provide confusion because if you think about babies and toddlers who can't really understand the words that you're saying, they can understand tone, right?
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: But they can't understand the words yet.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_01: So they use a lot of cues off your facial expression, these nonverbal cues.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so we saw this with my daughter because she was born during the shutdowns.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I remember telling you that um she we thought that there was some kind of social developmental issue because she was afraid every time we took her out.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: She was afraid of everybody.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then we drove to Tennessee and took her to a church and no one was masked, and she was running around saying hi and touching everybody.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: And our pediatrician, subs who was in Virginia, subsequently told me that she is seeing massive, she was at the time seeing massive behavioral issues amongst children because they were not getting the proper inputs for the neural development.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_01: And this is one example of that, right?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's a it's like it's like the mirror neurons aren't getting the complete picture, they're not getting all the data inputs they need in order to develop that brain, that nervous system properly.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: So this also ties into um empaths.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm sure most people are aware of empaths, like those are the people who are just more sensitive to other people's emotions, for instance.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: So you feel what they're feeling stronger, right?
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, this there's some research that suggests that empaths actually have more of these mirror neurons, right?
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe a stronger firing, uh, you know, more firing, a stronger response is elicited in their bodies uh when they are observing somebody who's at a different emotional state than them.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that was intriguing to me because I'm an empath.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, Donnie just could my husband will constantly say, You're just too sensitive.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so I told him, I was like, well, apparently this is the way I'm wired.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like there's nothing wrong with me.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so this ties into so all these things tie together.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: So the nonverbal cues, let's say for the babies and the toddlers, they're critical for development in part because they tell them if they're safe or not.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a fundamental um, that's that's that's a something that we need that's at the fundamental base level of survival is feeling safe.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so they need to read those nonverbal cues so that they feel safe.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then the motor neurons, you know, help them to read those cues.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: Empaths um are often the same.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: So one thing that I find interesting is that as you research empaths, uh a lot of them had um childhoods which we would which we would label if we were gonna label them as more unsafe.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_01: They did not feel safe in the childhood.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: So um, for instance, um, if there's an abusive environment, the child tends to become very skilled at nonverbal cues, right?
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: Becomes very aware and observant of what other people are doing because it's a safety factor.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's it's possible that one reason why um some people develop into empaths is because they have um they've had these challenging environments in which they're raised, in which they have to trigger more development of mirror neurons in order to survive that environment.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's one thing.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like in me, I 100% know that I developed into an empath because of that, you know, because of trying to navigate the environment.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: You're always aware how is that person feeling?
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like what triggers that person?
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_01: When do I need to fall into the shadow and whatever?
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_01: So you become very good at reading people, you know.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_02: So that's just one connection with Cena and what you've read and researched on this.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think that so there's um if if some people, let's just say some people have more of these than others, that I mean, that's what the research shows.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_02: Some people have more mirror neurons than others.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I it's probably through adaptation.
• 35:52
  unknown: Yeah.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_02: Ah, okay.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_02: So that was my question.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_02: Is this is this genetic?
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_02: You're born that way, or the fact that people that run that that have more tend to come from a disadvantaged or you know, a difficult background, have more.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's it's an adaptation of your own of your this is uh what epigenetics, you know, this is uh where you actually adapt.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I think it's both.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think you can be so you're worn and your nervous system is still in development, particularly for the first couple of years of life.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um during that attachment.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked about attachment trauma before on this podcast.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_01: So your nervous system is very plastic at that time, it's still developing.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so part of it too is if you're not getting those cues for development, it might be that you don't have as as much development of the motor neuron uh of the mirror neurons as another child.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's possible.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think we all are born with some level of empathy, but I think that um depending on your environment, you can upregulate it or downregulate it.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I think because because we are so plastic and we've got like stem cells that you know that are that we can use to develop um different structures in our body at any given time.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_01: I think you can develop um a stronger sense, stronger ability to have empathy.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's not as something that, oh, you're born with, and then I was just born that way, and you know, and that's that's that's just who I am.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: I can't change.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_01: You we're showing that it's somewhat plastic, right?
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then the more you practice it, the more you can develop uh Yeah.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I think I think that uh this is a little bit like exercise.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_02: You know, your muscles atrophy if they don't get exercised.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_02: And we um I think we agree that the immune system is a little bit like that too.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_02: If you don't, if there aren't some some uh that's why I drink out of the cow tank, right?
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_02: Is is these these little uh these little hits on the immune system actually exercise it and make it make it more functional, uh a la, you know, the hygiene, hygiene hypothesis.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and and and so uh it would stand to reason, you know, the the more we know about how whatever how how um relationally and kind of uh trade-oriented um things are, uh it it stands to reason that the trade-off of a difficult um growing up period.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_02: The trade-off is you become a very empathetic adult.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_02: And if you've had an extremely stable, secure, never had a single fear in your life growing up, then you grow into a um a much less empathetic boy.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_02: Now that that that really has um amazing uh can I say political uh ramifications.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_02: You know, if you grow up in this in this nest where you know you never have to fear a thing, everything's taken care of, then uh you could kind of grow up feeling a little bit um you know elitist and and and well just you know empathy for empathy for down and out would be very difficult.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and you know, we should be careful to say nothing's cut and dry, right?
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like these are all theories.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um but yeah, but in speaking in generalities, of course, you know, there's very rich, wealthy trust fund babies that have a great deal of empathy, and then there's people who are raised in horrible environments and they have no empathy, like you know, so so there's a whole spectrum.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of a lot of trust fund babies are raised financially secure, but not but but there's emotionally insecure, yeah.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_02: Uh there's hypocrisy in the home, corruption, uh whatever, running around, you know, all sorts of you know, insecurity and and fearful things going on in the home, even though it's it's in a palace.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, this also fits perfectly with that whole concept we were talking about, with the self-criticism, that self-talk, the negative talk, because um that is all centered around perception, right?
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so your perception changes the words that you use, it changes your beliefs, uh, which changes the words that you speak, uh which determine whether or not you're going to speak positively or negatively about yourself.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, one example related to this is um my husband has said to me many for many, many years, rightfully so, he would say things like, Wow, your childhood was awful.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like your childhood sucked.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, like when we were talking about it.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: And and for many years there, I was like, Yeah, yeah, I mean, I guess it, I guess it did, you know.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then in the past few years, um, I've actually uh one time when he said that to me, I said to him, you know, I under, I appreciate you like acknowledging you know how bad my childhood was.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_01: But if you keep saying that to me over and over, it will always be my story, right?
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_01: That will always be my perception.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_01: So could we not say that anymore?
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so I actually don't look back at my childhood and think, oh my gosh, my childhood sucked.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I certainly could, I don't do that anymore.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_01: Now I look back at my childhood and I say, my my childhood made me resilient and empathetic, right?
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_01: All these positives came out of my childhood, and so now it doesn't hold me captive anymore.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_01: It no longer holds me in that space of identity of a victim, that oh, it was so bad.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I keep coming around to it, it was so bad, you know, it will hold you in a victim space.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_01: So that's part of the flipping, and and um so if you can flip it to a positive, then you stop being critical because even though it doesn't, it doesn't sound like a self-criticism when you're saying, Oh, I had a really bad childhood and this happened to me and this happened to me, but it's sitting in the same negative space as though I was criticizing myself.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's saying all these bad things happen to me, and so I'm gonna trudge those up into the present moment and have that moment you know basically forecast my future.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_02: You know, that that moves it, that moves the whole uh discussion because Cena, how many how many adults say I had a perfect childhood?
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_02: Not very many.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I mean, like I don't maybe there's a number on it somewhere, but it has to be less than 10%.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it just I mean, I I grew up in a really good, but man, you know, I had some every family families have stuff, you know.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, just they go through challenges.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, sure you do, sure you do, and you you have a bad day, and you aren't your you know you aren't your best one day.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_02: And and um a friend of mine said, and I've never forgotten this, and and I love this, almost like a one-two punch.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_02: The first thing he he said to me, and now when I tie that to what you just said, it's really powerful.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_02: He said, I've decided that you become an adult when you can wake up one morning and say, Mom and dad, for all their faults, did the best they knew how.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, did the best they knew how with what they could, with where they were, with with with with their you know, limit limitations and and perceptions and things, they did the best they could.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_02: So that's forgiveness.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_02: That's forgiveness for for that.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_02: But now you're taking this one step further, and and and if you can say not only I forgive them, they did the best they could with what they had, with where they were in their context, and say every negative experience made me a more empathetic, resilient person, yeah, then you.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_02: Couple forgiveness with affirmation.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, exactly.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so to tie this together with the what we talked about at the beginning, uh, we talked about inability to change behaviors, right?
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_01: Inability to change your habits, inability to achieve that goal.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_01: So when I talk about these coping mechanisms, they often develop from not feeling good enough, right?
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_01: It is harder to achieve a goal if you do not feel good enough.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so this self-criticism comes because most of us, based on our childhoods, don't feel good enough.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_01: If you can change that narrative for yourself and stop criticizing, you will start feeling good enough and you will be able to achieve your goals.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because you won't need the coping mechanisms anymore.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a way to reverse engineer the nervous system.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_02: This is this is all uh similar to the effort that was that was started, I don't know, 20 years ago, I guess.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um maybe maybe you remember the phrase, got God don't, God don't make no junk.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_02: It was it was it was part of a part of a yeah, it was it was I don't know that.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, it was it was a real campaign um to try to get kids off of drugs and and and and you know um get over some of these humps.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_02: And and um it was it was a it was a camp.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_02: The slogan was uh God don't make no junk.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_02: In other words, for these kids that felt lousy, you know, they're in they're in the ghetto, they're in the you know, the bad section, whatever, they're not making good grades, whatever.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um, God doesn't make junk.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_02: And and it was it was a it was a way to you know to move them past that that uh whatever uh you know feel sorry for myself, funk.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love that.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_01: I mean that is true, you know, like God doesn't make any junk, it's it's it's your perception that would lead you to call it junk, right?
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_01: So you just change your perception.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um you know, and I I want to say too, like this is all biblical.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_01: The fact that um emotions are contagious, the you see this throughout the Bible.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I just wrote down a couple of them.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_01: You see in Proverbs 27:17, as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another, right?
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_01: The influence you have on another person, you can sharpen each other's character or mindset.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, just like the concept of the emotions are being shared.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, in Corinthians, um, do not be misled.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_01: Bad company corrupts good character.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, in Proverbs, do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_01: So these are the Bible has actually already come before science and told us all these things.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so what I like to do though is pair the science with it, like substantiate the claims with the science.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_01: So it so another scientific finding, Joel, um, in terms of how emotions are contagious, are actually your hormones and your pheromones.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_01: And this one, so we know emotions can be spread through um chemicals like pheromones in the body.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_01: And we've talked about this before.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_01: So just as a refresher, we know that some plants do this too, that plants can communicate with each other when they're in danger.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, like um, so for instance, there's there's even, by the way, studies out of Harvard that are on board with this concept that plants communicate to each other.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: And they do it in yeah, they do it in various ways.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_01: One is um chemicals that could be released in their leaves.
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, one of my favorites is the um acacia tree.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_01: Is that how you would say it?
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: Acacia?
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, acacia tree.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_01: So the acacia tree in um sub in um in Africa.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_02: The giraffe.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to tell the story of the giraffe?
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, you know, for a long time they wonder why do the giraffes, why do the giraffes always graze into the wind?
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_02: In other words, they're not going with the wind, they're into the wind.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_02: And now they know that the that that when the giraffes are grazing on the acacia leaves, those grazed acacia leaves emit pheromones that is carried on the wind to the to its neighbors to make their phytochemical compounds make the leaves more bitter.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_02: So the giraffes, it's a defensive measure, so the giraffes don't like them as much.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_02: And so the giraffes are constantly grazing into the wind, trying to beat the beat the pheromones, changing the the phytochemical uh compound of the leaves before it gets there.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_02: If they went downwind, all the leaves would be bitter by going upwind, and they can, you know, if they go fast enough, they can stay ahead of the pheromones.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's so cool.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like the fact that the plants do it and the fact that the um that the giraffes figured it out.
• 49:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's just amazing, right?
• 49:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well, humans do something really similar.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, just one example.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_01: When you're stressed, your body releases different chemicals into your sweat than when you're relaxed.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_01: And what science is showing is that people around you can pick up on those chemicals in your stress, um, you know, in the stress response through your sweat, even if you're not consciously smelling it.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_01: So there was research done um in this was actually way back in 2012, where these researchers found that if they took sweat samples of people who are anxious in other people, they could actually activate a fear response.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like the people weren't even, they didn't see the people, right?
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't see the anxious people, they just took the sweat from the anxious people and had the the the other people smell it and it put them into a fear state, right?
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_01: So this is the suggestion that there's a biochemical basis for emotional contagion.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: So we have the mirror neurons that contribute to emotional contagion, and now we have a biochemical basis through pheromones, through chemical signals that are saying that there's emotional contagion.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then we have a third way that emotions are contagion, contagious.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_01: And again, plants do this one too.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_01: So we know um there's a guy named Edward Farmer out of University of Um, I think he's out of Louisiana.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm sorry, of University of uh out of Switzerland.
• 50:41
  SPEAKER_01: He's out of Switzerland.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_01: And he identified that that plants, some of the plants have this voltage-based signaling system, like this electrical system, very similar to our nervous system.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so, for instance, when a tree is cut, it sends an electrical signal, just like if a human was wounded that sends an electrical signal to our brain.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_01: They're saying that the plant does something very similar.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and researchers have even found that they send out sound, like this, some plants can emit sound in the roots.
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's probably around the frequency of 220 hertz, which is not audible to us.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_01: But the point is they have this electric signal system that's like our nervous system.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_01: And we know that humans have this nervous system and this electrical um system that generates electromagnetic fields, right?
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because we have currents running through our bodies, so we generate electromagnetic fields.
• 51:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a human, kind of like the human equivalent of a Wi-Fi router, right?
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so um HeartMath Institute has done a lot of research on this.
• 51:46
  SPEAKER_01: And they there's actually um scientists, Western trained scientists who have measured this electromagnetic field coming from the body.
• 51:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's particularly expansive from the heart space.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've heard that it can go anywhere from eight feet to eight meters.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_01: So it depends on how coherent your field is, your your electromagnetic field.
• 52:11
  SPEAKER_01: But in the real world, we know that that field can um can actually affect other people who are around you.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_01: So you've heard people saying things like, oh, you're killing my vibe, right?
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or like we were on the same wave, like, right?
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_01: Or did I just date myself?
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do people not say that anymore?
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you've and people will say, like, oh, I got a weird vibe from them.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_01: Or, you know, you walk into a room and you can tell that people have been fighting, right?
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_01: There's like that vibe, that energy, or people have been laughing and excited, and you can feel that vibe.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_01: So this is um the so Heart Math Institute has revealed that these emotions like gratitude and love, they create these strong, coherent electromagnetic patterns in the field, while stress and anger create these incoherent patterns.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that those um, that rhythm, so there's like a heart and a brain rhythm.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_01: And if it's in sync, it creates this coherent pattern.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_01: If the heart and the brain are not in sync, it will create an incoherent pattern.
• 53:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 53:18
  SPEAKER_01: Those patterns are projected out through your electromagnetic field, and just like physics, the it's like think of it as a wave that comes out from your body.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're standing next to somebody else and they have a wave coming out from the body, those waves are gonna collide.
• 53:34
  SPEAKER_01: And go back to the physics concepts, they're you know, they're either going to bring you down, stay neutral, they're gonna bring you up.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's a third way now that science, Western science, is actually shown that emotions are actually contagious.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_01: So this is in a group dynamic, too.
• 53:51
  SPEAKER_01: And you think about this, like with politics, for instance, yeah, that emotions can spread like wildfires.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and there's lots of studies.
• 53:58
  SPEAKER_01: I won't, I won't bore you going into them, but there are lots of studies that have highlighted um emotional synchronization uh when you are in a group.
• 54:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um and that makes sense because we're meant to be tribal.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_01: It is an evolutionary advantage if everybody's in sync with each other, right?
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you know if there's a danger or a threat, run this way or so on and so forth.
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, it really, it really uh puts a uh puts an interesting twist on things like you know negotiations, whether you're negotiating for a for a car, you know, to to buy something, or you know, or or uh Trump and Putin are negotiating over Ukraine.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, you know, go from the go from the top to the bottom.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh the the point is that um if one or both parties come with a with an extremely um contentious negative vibe, to use your word, um that's going to change it as opposed to coming down, sitting at the table, even though you're at the disagreement, you're in your heart, you're you're wanting the best for the other person, you're wanting the best for everyone.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_02: It completely changes the negotiation.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I've certain I've certainly been in ones where um you know where one side is completely at the accusate at the accusatory level and you know it it's it's hard it's hard to go anywhere from that.
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know, if you're not at that point and you just want whatever, you know, positive resolution, and the other side wants nothing but accusation, you know, it it it it it makes the negotiation difficult.
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, even down to like the family level, right?
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_01: With with children.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, you don't want to be trying to negotiate with your child when either one of you is in an emotional state because that's not gonna go anywhere.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like at least nowhere good.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that creates trauma, which must be forgiven as an adult, so that makes it more resilient as an adult.
• 56:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 56:19
  SPEAKER_01: So you don't need the coping mechanisms, so you don't have to overcome these bad behaviors that you required because of the need for coping mechanisms because she didn't feel good enough.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_01: See, it all ties together.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_02: So the next time, the next time I'm a bad parent and irritate my child, I'll say, one day this is gonna make you a stronger, more empathetic person.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so uh talk this down as um as as my mistake to your strength, you know.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so in other words, I'm doing it for you.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_02: Like this is all to make you a better person.
• 56:52
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 56:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 56:54
  SPEAKER_01: So so in learning about all of this, about how emotions are contagious, I had two big takeaways for myself.
• 57:01
  SPEAKER_01: The first is just like the Bible says, surround yourself with positive, uplifting people.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_01: So now that we know emotions are contagious, think of yourself like a sponge, right?
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna be absorbing other people's emotions that are around you to some degree.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I think we all want to kind of feel uplifted and supported and joyful.
• 57:23
  SPEAKER_01: So follow the biblical principle of surround yourself with positive people.
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 57:27
  SPEAKER_01: The second part of this is be the emotional leader, right?
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_01: Be the emotional leader for yourself and for your family, your community, and for the world.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_01: So um bring that calming, loving energy into that, you know, into your everyday moment, and you can do it by vowing to just stop criticizing yourself.
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_01: You will be amazed at how far that one thing takes you.
• 57:53
  SPEAKER_02: You you mean I can't be Eeyore anymore?
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_02: Good old, good old Eeyore, you know, he's always, always down.
• 58:02
  SPEAKER_02: No, those are those are great, those are great takeaways, and um, and I I think I think you know, when you think about New Year's resolutions, you normally think about, well, I'm gonna, you know, quit eating so much sugar, or I'm going to, you know, lose 20 pounds, or I'm gonna do that.
• 58:21
  SPEAKER_02: And um and it seems to me like this this approach that you've outlined here is um is is pretty forgiving, even if you even if you mess up, it gives you a lot of wiggle room to pick up.
• 58:46
  SPEAKER_02: So you don't have to fail, you don't have to be a quitter, you don't have to come to that that quit day.
• 58:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um it actually gives you a uh a philosophical and emotional state that um that you can continue on even if you even if you make a mistake, uh even if you don't you don't get it 100%.
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're you're assuming in it that you do not need to be perfect.
• 59:17
  SPEAKER_01: So if you even just take the two examples you gave of a new year's resolution of stop eating sugar or lose 20 pounds, both of those examples are self-criticisms, right?
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_01: So right then and there, you have now criticized yourself.
• 59:32
  SPEAKER_01: Beginning of your new year, you're pointing out something that's critical, something you don't like about yourself.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 59:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then you're like, I'm gonna be changing this.
• 59:39
  SPEAKER_01: You're probably, I know when I eat sugar, that's a coping mechanism for me.
• 59:44
  SPEAKER_01: It calms my my vagus, my nervous system down through the you know, vagus nerve.
• 59:48
  SPEAKER_01: So you're already setting yourself up for failure because you're once again in the mindset of I'm not good enough.
• 59:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, here I am criticizing myself, and now I'm gonna put this deadline on myself to change this behavior that's really helping me just cope to get through my day-to-day, right?
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_01: The nervous system's not ready for it.
• 1:00:05
  SPEAKER_01: But you've also implicitly said that you're not perfect and you need to be perfect.
• 1:00:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I need to stop eating the sugar, I need to lose that 20 pounds.
• 1:00:12
  SPEAKER_01: So you're trying to get to some form of whatever you think of is closer to perfection.
• 1:00:18
  SPEAKER_01: If instead you'd say, I'm gonna stop criticizing myself, you're saying I'm freeing myself from the need to be perfect.
• 1:00:27
  SPEAKER_01: It is implicitly applied, applied implied then that you do not need to be perfect.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_01: So let's say a self-doubt, a self-criticism comes up.
• 1:00:39
  SPEAKER_01: It would be one thing if I was like, oh, why did I say that again?
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's a different response.
• 1:00:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's back to I'm criticizing myself because I need to be perfect.
• 1:00:48
  SPEAKER_01: If you just instead acknowledge that it's going to come up sometimes and you're just gonna turn it into a positive, then you're saying I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be consistent.
• 1:00:59
  SPEAKER_01: So you set up a system, which is Scott Adams wrote about this a long time ago, that he no longer set up like goals like we do, like I'm gonna lose 20 pounds.
• 1:01:09
  SPEAKER_01: He set up a system.
• 1:01:11
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of saying, My goal is I'm gonna lose 20 pounds by May, so I can fit into that bathing suit, you know, look good.
• 1:01:18
  SPEAKER_01: He said, instead of you're gonna fail.
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of that, set up a system.
• 1:01:23
  SPEAKER_01: Say, okay, instead of that, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go to the, I'm gonna go outside and go for a walk three days a week.
• 1:01:32
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a system.
• 1:01:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that way, as long as you go out and you do it and you don't even set the time.
• 1:01:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm gonna walk for one hour.
• 1:01:40
  SPEAKER_01: You don't do that.
• 1:01:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna go out and walk three times a week.
• 1:01:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then you keep with that system and it will eventually get you to the goal, but it takes that pressure off, and you're much more likely to succeed if you follow a system versus some finite arbitrary goal with an arbitrary deadline.
• 1:01:57
  SPEAKER_01: So mine is taking that and and kind of amplifying on that.
• 1:02:03
  SPEAKER_01: So this is a system because there's no deadline, there's no finality to it, there's no me saying, oh, I've achieved this quote unquote goal once I never say anything negative about myself again, right?
• 1:02:20
  SPEAKER_01: There's none of that involved.
• 1:02:22
  SPEAKER_01: This is really a system that I've put into place that it's okay if you say something negative because there's grace involved in this system.
• 1:02:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's really about um it's really about creating a system for yourself that you can follow that's built in with flexibility and grace, but will ultimately lead you to achieving any goal that you want to set for yourself.
• 1:02:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because once you love yourself, you will feel worthy and you won't need coping mechanisms.
• 1:02:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you won't feel and you won't feel like you need to keep changing yourself, right?
• 1:03:02
  SPEAKER_01: That that never-ending, I'm not good enough.
• 1:03:05
  SPEAKER_01: Now I gotta do this.
• 1:03:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now I got now, I need this self-help book and this one.
• 1:03:09
  SPEAKER_01: You won't feel that anymore because you will finally accept and love yourself for just the way that you are.
• 1:03:34
  SPEAKER_02: And how can you turn that into a positive vibe?
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 1:03:45
  SPEAKER_02: And and um, yeah, and maybe that that'll help people to here in the beginning of the year to kind of um set up you know, set a path that will be positive and and affirming uh as we started the new year.
• 1:04:00
  unknown: Good.
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_01: Wouldn't that be great?
• 1:04:02
  SPEAKER_01: If we can you imagine if we could all stop just stop criticizing ourselves?
• 1:04:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, imagine what we could create in this world.
• 1:04:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that would be that would be a big deal.
• 1:04:11
  SPEAKER_02: It sure would.
• 1:04:11
  SPEAKER_02: Well, thanks, Cena, for bringing that uh bringing those uh mirror neurons to us and all that wrapped up in that.
• 1:04:19
  SPEAKER_02: Always, always fascinating um to discuss that.
• 1:04:22
  SPEAKER_02: And thank you all for joining us on another episode of Beyond Labels.
• 1:04:27
  SPEAKER_02: Hope you've enjoyed the banter and the back and forths.
• 1:04:30
  SPEAKER_02: And um, we'll look forward to a whole year ahead of us now with another bunch of podcasts.
• 1:04:36
  SPEAKER_02: We look forward to visiting with you again next week.