Latest / Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin / Episode 19: Is This Why Your Kids Won't Listen to You?

Transcript

Episode 19: Is This Why Your Kids Won't Listen to You? · Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello, everybody. This is Parents Talk. You want your kids
0:07
Speaker 1: to grow up and be productive in life, right? But
0:12
Speaker 1: are you letting them do it on their terms? My friend,
0:16
Speaker 1: Chris Enggett, he and I are going to be talking
0:21
Speaker 1: about raising confident kids on their terms. But first, I
0:28
Speaker 1: want him to tell this story. We were talking. I
0:30
Speaker 1: met him at the Military Influencers Conference. And he just
0:35
Speaker 1: has this amazing story. And I just want him to
0:38
Speaker 1: tell you this story first.
0:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, so we were talking about fishing. And I really
0:46
Speaker 2: do like to fish. I probably have way too much
0:48
Speaker 2: money invested in fishing lures and my tackle box and
0:51
Speaker 2: fishing poles. But it's something that I really enjoy to do.
0:55
Speaker 2: One of the things that I've noticed with raising kids,
0:58
Speaker 2: and I have five kids total, is that a lot
1:02
Speaker 2: of times as parents, we will bring our kids into
1:06
Speaker 2: what we're doing and expect that we are bonding and
1:08
Speaker 2: we are growing and we're teaching. And there is a
1:10
Speaker 2: time for that. Like there are times that, you know,
1:12
Speaker 2: I've got to fix something on my vehicle and I'm
1:14
Speaker 2: going to bring my kids out to understand how to
1:16
Speaker 2: fix this. So if, you know, as an adult, they
1:19
Speaker 2: don't have the finances to pay somebody to fix it,
1:21
Speaker 2: they have the ability to fix the problem that they have.
1:25
Speaker 2: But if we're actually trying to make a connection with
1:27
Speaker 2: our kids, we have to reverse that and flip it.
1:30
Speaker 2: And we have to step down to their level and
1:32
Speaker 2: what they enjoy doing. And so I really like to
1:35
Speaker 2: go fishing. And a lot of times, you know, I'm
1:37
Speaker 2: going to bring my stepson, but he doesn't like to
1:40
Speaker 2: touch the worms. So he's not going to bait his
1:42
Speaker 2: own hook. And he doesn't want to touch the fish.
1:44
Speaker 2: So he's not going to clean the fish. He's going
1:46
Speaker 2: to catch it. And then I have to do that.
1:48
Speaker 2: And that ends up building frustration in the child that
1:51
Speaker 2: you're trying to connect with. And it builds frustration in you.
1:54
Speaker 2: It's like, I'm trying to connect with you and you
1:55
Speaker 2: don't want this. Well, we need to actually take a
1:58
Speaker 2: step back and realize, and even remember from us as
2:01
Speaker 2: childhood and our childhood, is a lot of times like
2:04
Speaker 2: our parents didn't step down and take an interest in
2:08
Speaker 2: what we enjoyed and who we are as people, because
2:10
Speaker 2: we're all different. And so being able to step down
2:14
Speaker 2: into what my kids are doing and learn from that
2:17
Speaker 2: and see what makes them tick. And through that process,
2:20
Speaker 2: we can understand like, what are their motivations in life?
2:23
Speaker 2: Because their motivations are going to be different than our motivations.
2:25
Speaker 2: We have different societal norms today than we did as kids.
2:28
Speaker 2: So their motivations will be different. So we have to
2:30
Speaker 2: understand what that looks like. And then we can use
2:33
Speaker 2: that to guide them and coach them to become that
2:35
Speaker 2: productive member of society. Because raising kids, that should be
2:39
Speaker 2: our end goal, is to raise our kids to be
2:42
Speaker 2: able to be successful and productive in their adult life.
2:46
Speaker 2: And we're seeing it all across the country today where
2:48
Speaker 2: kids are going to college and And they've never had
2:51
Speaker 2: any of that training or any of that knowledge handed
2:55
Speaker 2: down to them about what it means to be a
2:56
Speaker 2: successful adult. Because as parents, we want to protect our kids.
3:00
Speaker 2: We want to take care of them. We want to
3:01
Speaker 2: do all these things. We want to make sure that
3:03
Speaker 2: if there's something that happened that's negative, we want to
3:06
Speaker 2: help take care of that so that our kids don't
3:07
Speaker 2: have to deal with all these negative things that are
3:10
Speaker 2: in life. But as an adult, we know that those
3:12
Speaker 2: things are always going to be there. So are we
3:15
Speaker 2: teaching our kids to deal with it? Or are we
3:17
Speaker 2: trying to take it away so they don't have to
3:18
Speaker 2: deal with it? We want our kids to be successful
3:21
Speaker 2: and productive, whatever that means for them in their life.
3:25
Speaker 2: My 14 year old stepson, his idea of success in
3:28
Speaker 2: life may be completely different than my 18 year old
3:31
Speaker 2: daughter's success for life or my 20 year old daughter.
3:34
Speaker 2: And so we have to understand that that's going to
3:37
Speaker 2: be different for each of our kids, but we're never
3:39
Speaker 2: going to know what that looks like if we're not
3:41
Speaker 2: willing to step down into their world and see where
3:44
Speaker 2: they're at. And my stepson really loves to fix things.
3:48
Speaker 2: He loves to work with his hands. He also loves
3:50
Speaker 2: to play video games. So hopping on a video game
3:52
Speaker 2: and playing video games with him for an hour or so,
3:56
Speaker 2: or fixing the lawnmower. He's super excited about having to
3:59
Speaker 2: replace one of the tires on our lawnmower. He has
4:02
Speaker 2: no idea how to do it, but he really wants
4:03
Speaker 2: to do it. And so, you know, bringing, bringing yourself
4:08
Speaker 2: down into that space that lights them up is what
4:11
Speaker 2: we need to do.
4:13
Speaker 1: And I liked the way you said, if the car
4:16
Speaker 1: breaks down, I'm going to take them out there because
4:18
Speaker 1: that's a life skill they need to have. Right. Right.
4:22
Speaker 1: But you're not going to force them to go to
4:24
Speaker 1: mechanic school and be a mechanic for their livelihood.
4:27
Speaker 2: Right. 100%. Yeah. And those life skills are super important.
4:30
Speaker 2: And most kids don't want to learn the life skills.
4:32
Speaker 2: They don't want to know how to do their laundry.
4:34
Speaker 2: They don't want to learn how to run the dishwasher
4:37
Speaker 2: or make a meal. Um, and so there are times
4:39
Speaker 2: as parents that we are going to call our kids
4:41
Speaker 2: to do something that they don't want to do. Um,
4:44
Speaker 2: And that's okay. We're not here to just be our
4:46
Speaker 2: kids' friends. Like we want to be friendly with our
4:48
Speaker 2: kids and we want our kids to like us. But
4:51
Speaker 2: at the end of the day, if we're not setting
4:52
Speaker 2: our children up for success as adults, we're going to
4:56
Speaker 2: have a much more strained relationship as parents and adult
4:59
Speaker 2: children than we could ever imagine. And so, you know,
5:03
Speaker 2: it is our job to make sure that they are
5:05
Speaker 2: prepared for whatever life is going to throw at them.
5:08
Speaker 2: And I'm sure you know, and I've definitely experienced it.
5:11
Speaker 2: There are Life throws things at us that you are
5:13
Speaker 2: completely unprepared for and you have no idea what to do.
5:19
Speaker 2: But if you're able to go back to your parent
5:21
Speaker 2: and say, so life is throwing this at me and
5:23
Speaker 2: I don't know what to do. That's a really successful
5:27
Speaker 2: parent that has set their kids up to be able
5:30
Speaker 2: to find the answers to the problems that life faces
5:33
Speaker 2: or life throws at them. Many times today you're seeing
5:36
Speaker 2: kids that don't have that and they're not willing to
5:39
Speaker 2: go to their parents because their parents never set them
5:40
Speaker 2: up for it. And so they flounder through life. And
5:43
Speaker 2: then you have this belief or thought process that life
5:47
Speaker 2: just happens to me and there's nothing I can do
5:49
Speaker 2: about it. When we do have a personal responsibility to
5:53
Speaker 2: take whatever life throws at us and do something with it.
5:56
Speaker 2: And we can turn negative things into very positive outcomes
6:00
Speaker 2: based on how we react to it and we respond
6:02
Speaker 2: to it. And there is a defining difference between reaction
6:06
Speaker 2: and responding. And reaction tends to be that emotional response
6:09
Speaker 2: that initial feeling you feel. And if you let that
6:13
Speaker 2: be your guiding principle, typically those problems don't ever go
6:17
Speaker 2: away and they just continue to expound on themselves. But
6:19
Speaker 2: if you learn to respond to it, okay, this happened,
6:22
Speaker 2: here's what I have to do next. And you start
6:25
Speaker 2: taking those steps. You can respond to it in a
6:27
Speaker 2: way that makes that thing have meaning. And maybe it's
6:30
Speaker 2: just a lesson you learned and it was a terrible experience,
6:33
Speaker 2: but you learned a lesson through it, or you learned
6:35
Speaker 2: something that will make your life better in the future.
6:38
Speaker 2: Those are all good things. And sometimes we need to
6:41
Speaker 2: make sure that we don't take that experience away from
6:43
Speaker 2: our kids. Because as parents, I want to make sure
6:46
Speaker 2: that my kid doesn't have those negative experiences. But if
6:49
Speaker 2: they don't and they don't learn to respond to them,
6:52
Speaker 2: they're not going to have any idea how to do
6:53
Speaker 2: it as an adult. And so we've got to let
6:56
Speaker 2: them go through that so that they learn how to
6:59
Speaker 2: appropriately respond to those situations that life brings.
7:03
Speaker 1: Otherwise, you'll get that 40-year-old who can't make a decision
7:06
Speaker 1: on his own. Right.
7:08
Speaker 2: Which I spent most of my life in Billings, Montana.
7:11
Speaker 2: And we actually saw that here not that long ago
7:14
Speaker 2: where a 44-year-old man was living at home and was
7:18
Speaker 2: finally kicked out of his house and it turned into
7:20
Speaker 2: a nightmarish situation. And that's not what we want for
7:25
Speaker 2: our kids and that's not what we want for our families.
7:28
Speaker 2: We want them to be able to step out and
7:30
Speaker 2: every kid's going to be different. So you're going to
7:32
Speaker 2: have One kid that as soon as he turns 18
7:34
Speaker 2: and graduates, he's already got a plan. He's going to college.
7:36
Speaker 2: He's going to go to trade school, join the military.
7:39
Speaker 2: They're doing these things. You have one that's going to
7:42
Speaker 2: take a little bit of extra time to really figure
7:44
Speaker 2: it out because they want to make sure that the
7:46
Speaker 2: path that they're on is going to be the right path.
7:50
Speaker 2: And so there's no black and white scenario with our
7:54
Speaker 2: kids that at 18, they're ready to be an adult anymore.
7:57
Speaker 2: But you definitely want to set them up to be
8:00
Speaker 2: that adult that can take what life throws at them
8:03
Speaker 2: and do amazing things with it because everybody has that potential.
8:07
Speaker 1: Okay. Well, you just hit on a point that I
8:11
Speaker 1: want to bring out because I'm retired military. You were
8:18
Speaker 1: in the military. Life after military isn't always easy because
8:23
Speaker 1: They tell us what to do. They tell us what
8:25
Speaker 1: to wear. They tell us when to show up. As
8:28
Speaker 1: long as you do all of those things, you will
8:31
Speaker 1: be successful. Right. And then you get out of the
8:35
Speaker 1: military or you retire from the military and it's like,
8:40
Speaker 1: now what? And I don't care how you were raised,
8:47
Speaker 1: the military reprogrammed you.
8:50
Speaker 2: Yes.
8:51
Speaker 1: So you have that possibly negative programming from childhood, then
8:56
Speaker 1: the negative programming from the military. So now how do
9:03
Speaker 1: we help get our children raised to the point where
9:09
Speaker 1: they can be resilient in all of these changes through life?
9:16
Speaker 2: So I'm going to start with one thing, and it's
9:17
Speaker 2: the soldier's creed that the Army has. And I absolutely
9:20
Speaker 2: love the soldier's creed. I will always place the mission first.
9:23
Speaker 2: I will never accept defeat. I will never quit. I
9:25
Speaker 2: will never leave a fallen comrade. And when we look
9:28
Speaker 2: at that from the perspective of the military, like that
9:30
Speaker 2: all makes sense. Whatever my mission is, I've got to,
9:33
Speaker 2: that's my number one priority. I'm never going to put
9:35
Speaker 2: anything before that because lives are on the line, right?
9:38
Speaker 2: And I'm never going to quit. I'm never going to
9:40
Speaker 2: accept defeat. Even like we go through SEER training and
9:43
Speaker 2: you learn about, you know, if you're captured, you still
9:46
Speaker 2: don't quit when you're captured. You're still trying to find
9:48
Speaker 2: a way to escape and evade and do all these
9:50
Speaker 2: other things. Um, and so the very beginning of that,
9:55
Speaker 2: I will always place the mission first is super important
9:58
Speaker 2: because as kids are typically give us our purpose and
10:01
Speaker 2: our mission or school does. And then we join the
10:03
Speaker 2: military and the military gives you your purpose and your mission.
10:06
Speaker 2: And then when you finally get out of the military,
10:08
Speaker 2: you've never had to find your own purpose or mission
10:11
Speaker 2: for your life. It's never happened. And now you're left floundering.
10:15
Speaker 2: What do I do? And I think that's, you know,
10:17
Speaker 2: when I talk about stepping down into our kid's life
10:20
Speaker 2: and we figure out what that passion is for their life,
10:23
Speaker 2: we can help them. We can help point them in
10:25
Speaker 2: the direction that gives them purpose and mission. But we
10:28
Speaker 2: have to do it in a way that helps them
10:30
Speaker 2: actually come to that conclusion. So they understand, how do
10:33
Speaker 2: I do this? Not just say, no, you're going to
10:35
Speaker 2: do this because I'm your parent and you're my kid.
10:39
Speaker 2: And so you have to do this. We have to
10:41
Speaker 2: be able to set that up. And if we can
10:43
Speaker 2: do more of that with our children today, help them
10:45
Speaker 2: figure out what they're passionate about, what makes them tick,
10:49
Speaker 2: they will be better situated to find that purpose and
10:52
Speaker 2: mission as an adult. Even if they join the military
10:54
Speaker 2: and the military gives them their purpose and their mission
10:56
Speaker 2: for 20, 30 years, they're still going to have that
10:59
Speaker 2: knowledge from when they were growing up on what it
11:02
Speaker 2: looked like to find it for myself. And so when
11:06
Speaker 2: your kids are looking at their schedules as high school students,
11:09
Speaker 2: what classes are they taking? Are they taking ag? Is
11:13
Speaker 2: that because they have an interest in it or is
11:15
Speaker 2: it because there's another kid in the class that they
11:18
Speaker 2: really like or their friends are joining that? We have
11:21
Speaker 2: to pay attention to all of those different things as
11:23
Speaker 2: adults so we can set them up for that success.
11:25
Speaker 2: And what we see with a lot of veterans, and
11:28
Speaker 2: I really fell into this when I came home from
11:30
Speaker 2: Afghanistan injured, was medical boarded out of the military, which
11:34
Speaker 2: means I had an injury that made me non-deployable so
11:38
Speaker 2: the military wouldn't keep me in. And my whole identity
11:42
Speaker 2: was wrapped up in this idea that I'm a soldier. Now,
11:44
Speaker 2: at the time, I was a husband. I was a father.
11:47
Speaker 2: I was all of those things. But I couldn't see
11:49
Speaker 2: it because the military had given me that purpose and
11:51
Speaker 2: that mission for so long that that became my whole identity.
11:55
Speaker 2: And so when you lose your identity, well, then who
11:57
Speaker 2: are you? What's your purpose? What's your mission for life now?
12:00
Speaker 2: And when you don't find that, you actually see a
12:04
Speaker 2: lot of mental health conditions that come out of that.
12:06
Speaker 2: PTSD can come out of losing your identity. It doesn't
12:08
Speaker 2: have to be a big traumatic event like a car
12:11
Speaker 2: crash or me getting blown up in Afghanistan. That doesn't
12:16
Speaker 2: always bring about PTSD, but losing your identity is a
12:20
Speaker 2: huge thing and learning how to grieve that process. And
12:24
Speaker 2: you'll see kids do it all the time when they
12:26
Speaker 2: join this class because they thought they were going to
12:28
Speaker 2: take art. You join art because you really think you're
12:31
Speaker 2: good at art. And then all of a sudden you've
12:33
Speaker 2: got D's and C's in art and you can't pass
12:35
Speaker 2: the class and you get frustrated. And kids will start
12:37
Speaker 2: to shut down and self-isolate because they thought this is
12:41
Speaker 2: what they were good at. And then they found out
12:43
Speaker 2: they really weren't. Instead of like redirecting that into finding
12:46
Speaker 2: what they are good at or even redirecting it and say, okay,
12:50
Speaker 2: so you're not that great at this, but you really,
12:52
Speaker 2: really enjoy it. What can we do to build that up?
12:54
Speaker 2: So you have the skills you need to do what
12:57
Speaker 2: you enjoy. We don't teach our kids that. And I
13:02
Speaker 2: wasn't taught any of that kind of stuff. And so,
13:05
Speaker 2: That should be our goal with our kids. And that
13:07
Speaker 2: sets them up for future success. And I think a
13:11
Speaker 2: lot of veterans would benefit from having that kind of
13:13
Speaker 2: a conversation of what is your passion? Like if money
13:19
Speaker 2: wasn't an issue, if we could put all money aside
13:22
Speaker 2: and you could do something that you love and that
13:26
Speaker 2: is what you made your life purpose, what would that
13:29
Speaker 2: look like? And having that kind of a conversation would
13:33
Speaker 2: be something that would definitely transform our veteran community.
13:38
Speaker 1: And it all starts when they're children at home.
13:42
Speaker 2: 100%. Yeah.
13:44
Speaker 1: And that's why my mission is to raise confident kids
13:49
Speaker 1: today so we don't have to fix broken adults tomorrow. Right.
13:55
Speaker 1: My whole transformation started when I lost my identity as
14:00
Speaker 1: a female aircraft electrician.
14:02
Speaker 2: Right.
14:03
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, what else am I? I didn't
14:07
Speaker 1: know because, well, before I joined the military, I was
14:12
Speaker 1: in music. But, you know, I haven't done that in
14:15
Speaker 1: 25 years. I can't do that anymore. And I always
14:20
Speaker 1: wanted to be an entrepreneur. But what do I do?
14:24
Speaker 1: How do I do it? I had a master of
14:27
Speaker 1: business administration, but I didn't know what, even though I
14:32
Speaker 1: had all the tools to do it, I didn't know
14:35
Speaker 1: what I wanted. Right. Because I was raised, you go
14:40
Speaker 1: to work, you earn money, you get a second job
14:43
Speaker 1: if you have to, to make sure you have enough money,
14:46
Speaker 1: because the only thing that's important is having enough money
14:49
Speaker 1: to survive. Right.
14:51
Speaker 2: That's security.
14:52
Speaker 1: Security. Yeah, that was the way I was raised, having
14:56
Speaker 1: enough money to survive. And then I stayed in the military,
15:01
Speaker 1: which I'm glad I did. I stayed in the military because,
15:06
Speaker 1: believe it or not, that was the easy way out.
15:10
Speaker 2: Right, right.
15:11
Speaker 1: Because I had that steady paycheck. I knew what was
15:13
Speaker 1: coming next. I could reinvent myself a hundred times because
15:18
Speaker 1: we moved to a new job every three years.
15:20
Speaker 2: Right, right.
15:23
Speaker 1: And then it was time to retire. I'm like, oh,
15:26
Speaker 1: now what? Right.
15:29
Speaker 2: Yeah. And I know a lot of times that military mindset,
15:33
Speaker 2: like there's a lot of safety in it because you
15:34
Speaker 2: do understand what's coming next. You have all the regulations.
15:38
Speaker 2: If this happens, this is what you do. If this happens,
15:40
Speaker 2: this is what you do. I remember the first time
15:44
Speaker 2: I saw a PMCS, a preventative checks and maintenance schedule
15:49
Speaker 2: and reading through all of that, like I was like, Hallelujah.
15:52
Speaker 2: Step-by-step guide on how to function.
15:54
Speaker 1: Yes.
15:55
Speaker 2: Um, and so I, I mean, I love that and
15:57
Speaker 2: you don't get that in your everyday civilian life. And
16:01
Speaker 2: so there's so many times I sit down and I'm
16:03
Speaker 2: just like, man, I wish there was an operational order
16:05
Speaker 2: that would tell me what I need to do here. Um,
16:08
Speaker 2: and in the military, it was great to have those.
16:10
Speaker 2: You get your operational order, you know what your mission
16:12
Speaker 2: is going to be, you know how to execute it
16:14
Speaker 2: and you go and you do it. Uh, And you
16:16
Speaker 2: don't get that in civilian life, but I have found
16:20
Speaker 2: being able to take that knowledge of how to create
16:24
Speaker 2: an operational order and how to execute on it has
16:27
Speaker 2: been great for my own life. And I've started multiple
16:29
Speaker 2: businesses now and starting with not a business plan, but
16:33
Speaker 2: starting with an operational order, a five paragraph op order
16:37
Speaker 2: that would help me understand exactly what I'm trying to accomplish.
16:40
Speaker 2: Why am I starting this business? Is it just because
16:42
Speaker 2: I want to make money or is there a purpose
16:45
Speaker 2: in it? And there were several businesses I started and
16:47
Speaker 2: within two years I sold because it wasn't what I wanted.
16:51
Speaker 2: And so it's, you know, we have to look at that.
16:53
Speaker 2: And the other thing too, is we can't get into
16:56
Speaker 2: these ideas of just because I put so much time
17:00
Speaker 2: and effort into this doesn't mean I can't change course.
17:03
Speaker 2: And especially with college kids, you see it all the time.
17:05
Speaker 2: They're going into a program to be a nurse or
17:09
Speaker 2: a doctor or an engineer or They get four years
17:12
Speaker 2: into this degree and realize, I'm going to hate my
17:15
Speaker 2: life for the rest of my life if I have
17:17
Speaker 2: this degree and this is what I do for a living.
17:19
Speaker 2: But I spent so much time and energy and money
17:22
Speaker 2: on this that I have to get the degree now.
17:25
Speaker 2: And it's like, no, hold up a minute. The little
17:27
Speaker 2: bit of money that you spent on this degree so
17:30
Speaker 2: far is not worth the rest of your life. And
17:33
Speaker 2: so we have to change that. It's called the sunk
17:35
Speaker 2: cost fallacy. And we can't believe the sunk cost fallacy.
17:39
Speaker 2: And be willing to actually take a step back and say, nope,
17:41
Speaker 2: this isn't where I want to be in life. This
17:43
Speaker 2: is where I want to be. Now, how do I
17:45
Speaker 2: get there from where I'm at today? And I'm sure
17:49
Speaker 2: you've done that with some of the stuff that you've
17:51
Speaker 2: worked on as well. And like, you're kind of almost
17:54
Speaker 2: throwing as much mud on the wall and seeing what sticks.
17:57
Speaker 2: And that's fine. But it really comes down to what
18:00
Speaker 2: makes you tick? What makes you passionate about life? Because
18:04
Speaker 2: that should be our number one goal. It shouldn't be,
18:06
Speaker 2: are we making enough money? Are we doing these things?
18:08
Speaker 2: If you're passionate enough about it, you can find a
18:10
Speaker 2: way to make money doing it. But you have to
18:13
Speaker 2: find the passion. That's what's going to give us a
18:15
Speaker 2: life that's worth remembering and worth living and worth sitting
18:18
Speaker 2: down at the end of the day and being like,
18:19
Speaker 2: I like where I'm at.
18:22
Speaker 1: And that's the sign that you raised a successful child.
18:26
Speaker 2: Yes.
18:28
Speaker 1: That is the sign that you raised a successful child.
18:32
Speaker 2: And there's no time.
18:35
Speaker 2: No better time to start than right now to doing
18:37
Speaker 2: that with your children. Again, going back to the sunk
18:39
Speaker 2: cost fallacy, you know, your kids may be teenagers or
18:42
Speaker 2: just going to college and you didn't do any of
18:45
Speaker 2: that kind of stuff to understand what makes them tip,
18:47
Speaker 2: what makes them passionate about life. But you can start today.
18:52
Speaker 2: Don't believe the sunk cost fallacy because I did it
18:54
Speaker 2: for so long. I can't do it today. It's too late.
18:57
Speaker 2: That's not true. You can absolutely start right now. Trying
19:01
Speaker 2: to understand what makes your kids passionate about life. What
19:04
Speaker 2: makes them sit back and go, I love life. And
19:09
Speaker 2: how can you coach that and encourage that in them?
19:12
Speaker 2: You can start that right now.
19:16
Speaker 1: And it all starts with listening. Yes. All starts with listening.
19:22
Speaker 1: You're not teaching.
19:24
Speaker 2: Right.
19:25
Speaker 1: Listening. Making them feel seen. Making them feel heard. Yes. Yep.
19:31
Speaker 1: Like you said, if you didn't take the time to
19:35
Speaker 1: hear your stepson saying, I don't want to touch the fish.
19:39
Speaker 1: I don't want to bait the hook. I really don't
19:41
Speaker 1: care about fishing. He would be going through the motions
19:45
Speaker 1: with you because that's what you wanted.
19:48
Speaker 2: Right.
19:50
Speaker 1: So you figured out how to get on his level
19:54
Speaker 1: to make him feel seen and heard. And the younger
19:59
Speaker 1: they are, they don't know yet. Right. I remember growing up,
20:06
Speaker 1: I was a stick-to-it kind of girl. And I think
20:09
Speaker 1: maybe it was that sunk cost fallacy. You know, okay,
20:15
Speaker 1: I put so much time and effort into playing my,
20:19
Speaker 1: I played the tuba. I enjoyed it, but then that's
20:25
Speaker 1: all I did because I put so much time and
20:27
Speaker 1: effort into it, I couldn't stop. And then I joined
20:32
Speaker 1: the Navy and I stopped, but then I put all
20:34
Speaker 1: of that effort into being in the Navy. So my
20:40
Speaker 1: sister was the opposite. She did, she played the clarinet,
20:43
Speaker 1: she played the guitar, she did cake decorating. She was
20:47
Speaker 1: trying a little of this and a little of that.
20:50
Speaker 1: And eventually I started doing that, but with the security
20:54
Speaker 1: of the Navy behind me. I remember in the Navy,
20:58
Speaker 1: I always, I sold Amway, Avon, I sold Tupperware, you know,
21:05
Speaker 1: to have that outlet instead of, going out to the
21:09
Speaker 1: bars every night, which I did a lot of that too.
21:11
Speaker 1: But instead of going out to the bars every night,
21:13
Speaker 1: I said, well, in my family, you have to earn money.
21:17
Speaker 1: So I'm going to find a way to be social
21:19
Speaker 1: and earn money.
21:21
Speaker 2: Right. And we have to have a social life. I mean,
21:25
Speaker 2: anywhere you turn today, it talks about work-life balance and
21:28
Speaker 2: how do you do that. So you do have to
21:33
Speaker 2: have a social life. You have to find a way
21:36
Speaker 2: to refill that battery And you find it, and I'm
21:40
Speaker 2: sure you found it too, is when you're connecting with
21:42
Speaker 2: other people on that emotional level, you can recharge your battery.
21:46
Speaker 2: And it doesn't have to be a large group of
21:48
Speaker 2: people like going to the bar. And like for some
21:50
Speaker 2: people that just energizes them and they get all of
21:54
Speaker 2: that battery refilled through that process. Not everybody is that way.
21:58
Speaker 2: I know I'm not that way. I want to be
22:01
Speaker 2: around a core group of three, four people and just
22:04
Speaker 2: have great conversation, talk about life, live life together. And
22:08
Speaker 2: that really helps recharge that battery. So that way, when
22:10
Speaker 2: I do have to go to work and on those
22:12
Speaker 2: days that I really don't want to do the work,
22:15
Speaker 2: you have that battery that's been recharged that gets you
22:19
Speaker 2: through that back to where you're passionate about what you're doing.
22:22
Speaker 2: Because it doesn't matter. You can be passionate about whatever
22:25
Speaker 2: it is. And maybe you're passionate about this podcast and
22:28
Speaker 2: all the things you're doing, but not passionate about editing
22:31
Speaker 2: at all. But you still got to get through it.
22:33
Speaker 2: And so it doesn't matter what we're doing. There's always
22:36
Speaker 2: going to be some part of it that we're, that
22:38
Speaker 2: we're not a really big fan of, but we've got
22:40
Speaker 2: to find a way to get through it. And we
22:41
Speaker 2: can't take that away from our kids. We've got to
22:44
Speaker 2: be able to teach them how to get through that
22:46
Speaker 2: so they can do it as an adult. And many
22:49
Speaker 2: of us had to learn it the hard way. We're
22:52
Speaker 2: never taught how to do that. And I know I
22:54
Speaker 2: was never taught how to get through the hard things
22:56
Speaker 2: as a kid. I was taught to bottle it all up,
22:59
Speaker 2: shove it all down and just drive on. And that
23:03
Speaker 2: explodes and it doesn't work too well. And so you
23:07
Speaker 2: want to be able to teach your kids that that's
23:09
Speaker 2: not the answer. There is a way to get through
23:11
Speaker 2: all of this and that they are fully capable of
23:14
Speaker 2: doing it. We've got to set them up with the
23:16
Speaker 2: knowledge that they are capable of it. And a lot
23:20
Speaker 2: of times when we take that away from them, we
23:23
Speaker 2: take that knowledge from them that they're capable and we
23:26
Speaker 2: teach them that they're not capable. Somebody else has to
23:28
Speaker 2: do it for them. we need to set them up
23:31
Speaker 2: for success. And there's no better place to do it
23:33
Speaker 2: than at home where they do have the safety of
23:36
Speaker 2: our home. They have the safety of their parents. Just
23:39
Speaker 2: like you were learning some of that in the Navy
23:41
Speaker 2: and you had the safety of the Navy. We have
23:45
Speaker 2: an opportunity with our kids at home to teach them
23:47
Speaker 2: that when they have a safety net, they can make
23:49
Speaker 2: those mistakes and they can mess things up and be
23:51
Speaker 2: on the wrong path. And we can help guide them
23:53
Speaker 2: back onto the path that's right for them because they
23:56
Speaker 2: have the safety of being here.
23:58
Speaker 1: And then when it happens in adult life, they'll feel
24:02
Speaker 1: more comfortable and more confident saying, I got through it
24:05
Speaker 1: in the past.
24:06
Speaker 2: Yes.
24:07
Speaker 1: I can get through it again. Right.
24:09
Speaker 2: Yeah, my stepdaughter here the other day, I was having
24:12
Speaker 2: a conversation with her and just telling her how proud
24:14
Speaker 2: I was of her. And I made the comment, I
24:17
Speaker 2: was like, just think, you have literally been 100% successful
24:21
Speaker 2: of getting through every hard thing in life to date.
24:24
Speaker 2: May not have been the right way, may not have
24:26
Speaker 2: been the best way, but you got through it.
24:29
Speaker 1: And you're here today because of it.
24:30
Speaker 2: Yeah. And you're here today because of it. And that's,
24:34
Speaker 2: that's an incredible place to be. And, and that's, that's
24:37
Speaker 2: really when I, when I sit back and look at
24:39
Speaker 2: my kids and what's going on in their lives. And
24:42
Speaker 2: that's what I like to see is that they're, they're
24:45
Speaker 2: going through life and they're, they're taking what life throws
24:48
Speaker 2: at them. They're doing amazing things and they're, they're accomplishing
24:51
Speaker 2: things that make them feel more confident in life and,
24:55
Speaker 2: and encouraging that in them. And, and, I only have
24:58
Speaker 2: one kid that's at home now. The other four are
25:01
Speaker 2: all out of the house. So it's no longer like
25:04
Speaker 2: I'm not their parent in that sense of teaching anymore.
25:09
Speaker 2: I am now an encourager and a coach when they
25:12
Speaker 2: need it. And if you pay any attention to sports,
25:16
Speaker 2: coaches don't go out on the field and play. They
25:19
Speaker 2: help give the plays and they help tell you what
25:22
Speaker 2: to do and how to get through this and how
25:23
Speaker 2: to do. That's what our job is now is we
25:26
Speaker 2: get to coach. And we get to encourage our kids
25:29
Speaker 2: in whatever they're doing in life. That's our goal. And
25:33
Speaker 2: the path doesn't have to be the path I planned
25:35
Speaker 2: out for them. And it shouldn't be that path. It
25:37
Speaker 2: should be their path.
25:39
Speaker 1: That's right. And that's one of the characters in my book.
25:43
Speaker 1: She was leading the life her parents wanted her to lead.
25:48
Speaker 1: And she just happened to be someone who was a
25:50
Speaker 1: client of mine in my coaching. Her parents were immigrants.
25:54
Speaker 1: And to them, financial security was the most important. She
25:58
Speaker 1: studied finance in college because they told her to. But
26:02
Speaker 1: she really wanted to be a teacher. And being in
26:06
Speaker 1: that finance, oh, yeah, she had plenty of the money
26:09
Speaker 1: and she could go on vacations and have a fancy
26:12
Speaker 1: house and blah, blah, blah, blah. But she never found
26:15
Speaker 1: the fulfillment until she quit that job and became a teacher. Right.
26:23
Speaker 2: And that's that idea of self-actualization, finding that place in
26:27
Speaker 2: your life where you are fulfilled by what you're doing.
26:30
Speaker 2: That's what we should be trying to guide our kids to.
26:33
Speaker 2: And if our, if our kids are fulfilled in life,
26:37
Speaker 2: but they don't have the fancy house or the boat
26:39
Speaker 2: or the big lifted truck or whatever, and they don't
26:42
Speaker 2: have those things, but they are fulfilled by their life,
26:45
Speaker 2: then that's a success. It's not all about things. And, and,
26:50
Speaker 2: and I'm, not a huge fan of consumerism and our,
26:54
Speaker 2: our culture has really been taught and tied into this
26:57
Speaker 2: idea of consumerism. And you see it with all of
26:59
Speaker 2: our holidays, Christmases and birthdays are all about the, the
27:02
Speaker 2: presence and the things that you're going to get from that. And, uh,
27:06
Speaker 2: and not about the special day that this is the
27:08
Speaker 2: day that you were born. And when you came into
27:10
Speaker 2: our lives, um, and, and so we, we've just had
27:14
Speaker 2: this idea of consumerism and we need to, uh, We
27:18
Speaker 2: need to kind of take that out of our minds
27:20
Speaker 2: and out of our equation when we're trying to set
27:21
Speaker 2: our kids up for success.
27:23
Speaker 1: Well, and I know a lot of parents think I'm
27:26
Speaker 1: going to give my kids everything that I didn't have.
27:30
Speaker 2: Right.
27:31
Speaker 1: They feel like Christmas is ruined because they couldn't buy
27:34
Speaker 1: the most expensive gifts.
27:36
Speaker 2: Right.
27:37
Speaker 1: You know, I remember growing up, we were happy when
27:43
Speaker 1: we got, you know, one gift to share.
27:46
Speaker 2: Right.
27:47
Speaker 1: And a nice meal. Right. Times have really changed.
27:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember I actually still have it. It's upstairs
27:56
Speaker 2: in my bedroom, but I have a teddy bear with
27:58
Speaker 2: green corduroy pants. And I got that when I was
28:02
Speaker 2: about four or five years old. And we didn't grow
28:05
Speaker 2: up very financially successful. We were very poor growing up
28:10
Speaker 2: in eastern Montana. So any present was like if we
28:13
Speaker 2: got a present, it was a really big deal. And
28:16
Speaker 2: so there was one Christmas that that was my present
28:18
Speaker 2: for Christmas, was that corduroy bear. And even at that
28:21
Speaker 2: young age, I understood that my parents took a risk
28:25
Speaker 2: to purchase this because they had to make a decision.
28:28
Speaker 2: Am I going to purchase this gift or am I
28:30
Speaker 2: going to pay this bill? And they chose to purchase
28:33
Speaker 2: this gift for me. And even at that young age,
28:35
Speaker 2: I knew how important that was. And so I ended
28:39
Speaker 2: up keeping it. It's in a very prominent place in
28:42
Speaker 2: my bedroom, just to remember that it wasn't about the
28:45
Speaker 2: stuff teddy bear. It's about the thought that was behind
28:48
Speaker 2: it and that I was more important than the bill
28:51
Speaker 2: that they had to pay. And that's, again, we have
28:54
Speaker 2: to teach our kids that too, because so many times
28:56
Speaker 2: when you, if you're thinking about it, your kids are
28:58
Speaker 2: in the kitchen making a bowl of cereal or oatmeal
29:01
Speaker 2: or something, and they're making a mess. We as parents
29:04
Speaker 2: want to come behind like, oh, you need to clean
29:06
Speaker 2: that up, do that, make sure you rinse out your bowl,
29:08
Speaker 2: do this. And our kids, they don't get any affirmations
29:12
Speaker 2: from that, that I'm important. What ends up happening in
29:14
Speaker 2: their minds is that the mess is more important than me.
29:18
Speaker 2: And we need to make sure that, you know, cleaning
29:21
Speaker 2: up the mess is important. They got to remember to
29:23
Speaker 2: clean up the mess, but it's not more important than them.
29:26
Speaker 2: And you even see it in young kids. A lot
29:28
Speaker 2: of parents won't invite kids in to help make breakfast
29:32
Speaker 2: because it's going to make too much of a mess
29:33
Speaker 2: and it's going to take us even longer to make it. Um,
29:37
Speaker 2: and so you're constantly almost hounding your kids, like, don't
29:39
Speaker 2: do that. Don't do this, do this instead of trying
29:43
Speaker 2: to build a connection with them. Um, and that's what
29:45
Speaker 2: we should be doing. Like even, uh, I was talking
29:48
Speaker 2: about the lawnmower and my stepson really being excited about
29:51
Speaker 2: fixing this, this tire on the lawnmower because it keeps
29:54
Speaker 2: falling off. Um, and, uh, So he's out mowing the
29:57
Speaker 2: lawn and all of a sudden he comes in, the
29:59
Speaker 2: tire fell off. And and so, you know, helping him navigate,
30:03
Speaker 2: what does it look like? He didn't cause a problem
30:06
Speaker 2: because the tire fell off. It probably would have fell
30:08
Speaker 2: off if I was driving the mower. But now let's
30:11
Speaker 2: go through, okay, what's different between this one and the
30:14
Speaker 2: one that is still on and understand, okay, where did,
30:17
Speaker 2: where did it fail? How do we fix it? How
30:20
Speaker 2: do we make it better? And how do we prevent
30:22
Speaker 2: this in the future? He's going to be better situated
30:25
Speaker 2: with equipment like that in the future because he walked
30:28
Speaker 2: through that. Now, as a parent, it's easy to step
30:30
Speaker 2: back and be like, holy, holy smoke. She just ruined
30:32
Speaker 2: the mower. Why would you do this? Were you paying attention?
30:35
Speaker 2: I don't know about you. That's how I was raised.
30:38
Speaker 2: If something like that happened, like immediately, what were you doing?
30:41
Speaker 2: Did you do this wrong? Instead of, okay, how do
30:43
Speaker 2: we fix it? And sometimes the kid did mess it up.
30:48
Speaker 2: Sometimes they absolutely, because that's, I mean, kids do it.
30:50
Speaker 2: I do it all the time as an adult. absolutely
30:53
Speaker 2: do the wrong thing and realize, oh yeah, I shouldn't
30:55
Speaker 2: have done that. But how do we teach our kids
30:58
Speaker 2: to come back from that and not get stuck there?
31:02
Speaker 1: Yeah. I remember the first thing I ever failed in
31:05
Speaker 1: life was my doctoral program. And it wasn't even any,
31:10
Speaker 1: it wasn't my fault. It was just, you know, circumstances. Right.
31:16
Speaker 1: And I really, for months, oh my God, I failed.
31:22
Speaker 1: I can't believe I failed. When I still got the education,
31:27
Speaker 1: I just didn't finish the dissertation and get it approved.
31:31
Speaker 1: I had 168 pages of the dissertation written. Most people
31:35
Speaker 1: never do that in their lives. Now I see it
31:39
Speaker 1: as an achievement because I'm using that education. Now, how
31:45
Speaker 1: many kids fail a test and then get in trouble well,
31:50
Speaker 1: why not look at it as, okay, you failed. Now
31:53
Speaker 1: what are you going to do to fix it and
31:55
Speaker 1: make it better next time?
31:56
Speaker 2: Yes. Yeah. I mean, we're all going to fail at
31:59
Speaker 2: things in life. It doesn't matter. I ended up getting
32:01
Speaker 2: divorced from my first wife. And I, I remember spending
32:04
Speaker 2: a whole lot of time thinking like I'm, I'm a
32:06
Speaker 2: failure as a human being. I couldn't even stay married. And,
32:09
Speaker 2: and you look at the divorce rates, it's a very
32:11
Speaker 2: common thing in today's society. But I lived with that
32:15
Speaker 2: failure for a long time. Well, what do I do now? Um,
32:19
Speaker 2: And if you live under that, then you have no
32:22
Speaker 2: room for growth. There's no opportunity for you to say,
32:25
Speaker 2: I can overcome this. And we all have the potential
32:29
Speaker 2: to overcome whatever it is. We may not be able
32:32
Speaker 2: to do it alone. My therapist and my counselor is
32:35
Speaker 2: like my number one advocate. And when life gets hard
32:38
Speaker 2: and I'm not sure where to go, he's there to
32:40
Speaker 2: help coach and guide me to a solution, not a
32:43
Speaker 2: solution that he picks. He helps me find the solution
32:46
Speaker 2: that I need that's right for me. And as parents,
32:49
Speaker 2: that's what we should be doing for our kids as well.
32:52
Speaker 2: How do they recover from that? We're all going to fail.
32:57
Speaker 2: If you don't have the knowledge on how to recover
32:59
Speaker 2: from it, then you have this fear of failure. And
33:03
Speaker 2: then that can almost paralyze. It's paralyzed me in the past.
33:07
Speaker 2: I think I'm going to fail at this, and so
33:08
Speaker 2: I'm just not going to start it. And that's not
33:11
Speaker 2: the right path that we want our kids on. That's
33:12
Speaker 2: not the path I want myself on. So how do
33:15
Speaker 2: we teach our kids not to fear failure, but If
33:18
Speaker 2: you fail now, what do you do to fix it?
33:20
Speaker 2: And sometimes like there are things that you have to
33:22
Speaker 2: do to fix it. And sometimes that's apologies or taking
33:25
Speaker 2: the steps to correct the action to not do it again.
33:28
Speaker 1: Put a new wheel on the lawnmower.
33:32
Speaker 2: Or put a new wheel on the lawnmower. This is,
33:34
Speaker 2: you know, he helped me figure out and I already,
33:36
Speaker 2: you know, I looked at it and I knew real
33:38
Speaker 2: quickly what happened. But I walked through, you know, look
33:42
Speaker 2: at this. What does this tire have that this one doesn't?
33:45
Speaker 2: And he was able to see that the little hub
33:47
Speaker 2: on it was too short on one side. And so
33:50
Speaker 2: it had the wrong hub on that tire. And so
33:52
Speaker 2: he was able to spot that. And he's like, well,
33:54
Speaker 2: how do we fix that? I was like, that's a
33:56
Speaker 2: great idea. We can't fix it, but we can get
33:58
Speaker 2: a new rim that fits it. And so, but he
34:02
Speaker 2: was able to like identify what the problem was. He
34:04
Speaker 2: may not know the solution. And that's where we are
34:07
Speaker 2: there as adults, helping them identify those solutions. And we
34:10
Speaker 2: can put a couple of different things out there I
34:13
Speaker 2: didn't necessarily need to buy a whole new rim. We
34:16
Speaker 2: could put washers and spacers in there that would create
34:20
Speaker 2: the gap that it needed. But if we're going to
34:22
Speaker 2: do it right to prevent this from ever happening again,
34:25
Speaker 2: this is what we're going to do. So there's different avenues.
34:29
Speaker 2: If I didn't have the finances to buy a whole
34:31
Speaker 2: new tire, maybe that's what we were going to do
34:34
Speaker 2: is put spacers in there that would create the hub
34:37
Speaker 2: space it needed. But that's what our job is for
34:41
Speaker 2: our kids is to help them identify where the potential
34:43
Speaker 2: solutions are and then help them on the path to
34:46
Speaker 2: that solution.
34:48
Speaker 1: That even goes along with making friends.
34:51
Speaker 2: Yes.
34:52
Speaker 1: If the parents are always setting up play dates, the
34:56
Speaker 1: kids never learn how to do it on the playground themselves.
34:59
Speaker 2: Right.
35:00
Speaker 1: And then they grow up to be adults who don't
35:02
Speaker 1: know how to make friends.
35:04
Speaker 2: Right.
35:04
Speaker 1: They get isolation.
35:06
Speaker 2: Right.
35:07
Speaker 1: And a friend of mine is an expert in brain
35:12
Speaker 1: and neurology. And aging and dementia, a big influence on
35:20
Speaker 1: that is isolation. Right. So to keep a healthy brain,
35:26
Speaker 1: you need these relationships in life. They don't have to
35:31
Speaker 1: be Oh, my God, we met in kindergarten. We've been
35:34
Speaker 1: lifelong friends. You can have different friends in different stages
35:37
Speaker 1: in life. But at the early age, you have to
35:41
Speaker 1: learn how to make the friends yourself and not have
35:44
Speaker 1: mommy or daddy make them for you. Right.
35:47
Speaker 2: Well, you brought up the idea of isolation. One of
35:50
Speaker 2: the things that I say I've done a lot of
35:52
Speaker 2: speaking in the veteran community and like men's retreats and
35:56
Speaker 2: things like that is the culmination of isolation is death.
36:00
Speaker 2: You see it mentally and emotionally. And eventually you do
36:05
Speaker 2: see it physically. You were just saying with dementia and
36:09
Speaker 2: all of those things, that isolation helps bring that on.
36:14
Speaker 2: I truly believe the culmination of isolation is death. And
36:17
Speaker 2: I think that's why we see 22 veterans a day
36:20
Speaker 2: that are committing suicide. I think it's one of the
36:23
Speaker 2: reasons that we have this epidemic of mental health issues
36:26
Speaker 2: in our country today.
36:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think a key to that is to
36:34
Speaker 1: teach our kids to be good citizens, to see somebody
36:41
Speaker 1: might be struggling and find out how you can help.
36:44
Speaker 1: And my next book coming out, I partnered with my
36:48
Speaker 1: friend Soldier Mom. You met her at conference.
36:51
Speaker 2: Okay.
36:52
Speaker 1: Jody, Soldier Mom. And Soldier Mom comes to Camp Confidence
36:57
Speaker 1: to talk about parents deploying and soldier mom's daughter Juanita
37:02
Speaker 1: is going to be lonely and isolated with her mom
37:07
Speaker 1: overseas and all the kids at Camp Confidence want to
37:11
Speaker 1: adopt her and bring her in and be her support
37:14
Speaker 1: system yeah teach kids to do that normally rather than
37:21
Speaker 1: only during special circumstances.
37:24
Speaker 2: Right right I know one of the things that you
37:26
Speaker 2: know we've done with our kids is that We never
37:29
Speaker 2: let them run away from friendships. Like there's always going
37:32
Speaker 2: to be tension in interpersonal relationships. And it's super easy for,
37:35
Speaker 2: you know, I saw my daughter at one point and
37:39
Speaker 2: used to talk to this friend all the time. And
37:41
Speaker 2: then I just asked her, how's this friend doing? And
37:43
Speaker 2: she goes, oh yeah, we don't talk anymore. I was like, well,
37:45
Speaker 2: what happened? Well, she said this and I didn't like it.
37:48
Speaker 2: So we're not friends. Like, oh, hold up. If that's,
37:53
Speaker 2: if you're just going to run away from every hardship
37:55
Speaker 2: in a relationship, you're never going to have relationships with people.
37:58
Speaker 2: Like taking a cool off period to think about it
38:01
Speaker 2: and understand what was said and why it bothered you.
38:04
Speaker 2: That's important. You don't want to just immediately react and
38:09
Speaker 2: say something that you're going to regret. So take that
38:12
Speaker 2: time to think about it. But then how can you
38:14
Speaker 2: go to that person and share that this is what happened.
38:18
Speaker 2: This is how it made me feel. And this is
38:20
Speaker 2: what I want to do. And right now I don't
38:22
Speaker 2: want to be your friend because of it. And I
38:23
Speaker 2: know that that's not where we should be. We should
38:26
Speaker 2: be really good friends. So how can we get through this?
38:29
Speaker 2: Are we teaching our kids that? And I think many
38:31
Speaker 2: adults don't know how to do that.
38:32
Speaker 1: No, that is true. And what I've learned is there
38:36
Speaker 1: are three sides to every argument. There's your side, there's
38:40
Speaker 1: their side, and then there's somewhere in the middle.
38:45
Speaker 2: Right. And usually that right in the middle is the truth.
38:48
Speaker 1: Exactly, exactly.
38:50
Speaker 2: So you've got part of it, they've got part of
38:52
Speaker 2: the truth, but if you can't come together, you're not
38:54
Speaker 2: going to see the whole picture. And I think that
38:57
Speaker 2: that's something that we as adults need to learn. How
39:00
Speaker 2: do we do that? And it's one of the things
39:02
Speaker 2: that I do in my I got remarried here about
39:04
Speaker 2: five years ago or six years ago. But in the process,
39:09
Speaker 2: having you going through that, those steps, what happened? Why
39:14
Speaker 2: do I feel this way? What do I normally do?
39:17
Speaker 2: I'm an isolator at heart. So that's what I typically
39:20
Speaker 2: try to do is isolate myself and shut down. but
39:23
Speaker 2: what do I actually want to do in this situation?
39:25
Speaker 2: I want to grow closer. I want to stop get
39:27
Speaker 2: through this has really helped me and having conversations with
39:31
Speaker 2: with my wife on things that do bother me because
39:33
Speaker 2: I've got PTSD I've got childhood trauma I've got all
39:36
Speaker 2: of that stuff so this is the situation it doesn't
39:42
Speaker 2: it's not you did this and that's what we do
39:45
Speaker 2: our kids you did this you failed at your test
39:48
Speaker 2: You didn't mow the lawn. You didn't wash your dishes.
39:51
Speaker 2: The dishes or the lawn is no longer the problem.
39:54
Speaker 2: The other person's the problem is what we're saying. And
39:58
Speaker 2: it's not what we're intending to say, but that's what
40:00
Speaker 2: the words are going to be perceived as. So it's
40:03
Speaker 2: when the dishes don't get done, I have to do
40:06
Speaker 2: extra work. And I'm already doing these things and I
40:08
Speaker 2: don't have the time to be able to dedicate to
40:11
Speaker 2: washing the dishes for you as well. What I really
40:14
Speaker 2: need you to do is rinse your dishes out. Now
40:16
Speaker 2: the dishes are still the problem. And it's the same
40:18
Speaker 2: thing with my wife. When a problem arises, the problem
40:23
Speaker 2: is the problem and we're going to face it together.
40:24
Speaker 2: And we don't, I know a lot of people are really,
40:30
Speaker 2: they want to keep their kids out of their adult conflicts.
40:32
Speaker 2: And there are some adult conflicts that our kids don't
40:35
Speaker 2: need to be a part of. But situations like that where,
40:37
Speaker 2: you know, my wife asked me to take the garbage
40:40
Speaker 2: out and I forgot to take the garbage out. We
40:42
Speaker 2: have that conversation in front of our kids. I want
40:45
Speaker 2: them to see how we're going to get through this.
40:46
Speaker 2: And sometimes I'm frustrated and overwhelmed by a whole lot
40:50
Speaker 2: of things. And my wife's frustrated and overwhelmed by a
40:52
Speaker 2: whole lot of things. And the trash just is the
40:55
Speaker 2: spark that ignites it. But then they get to see
41:00
Speaker 2: maybe an overreaction and a way to react to this
41:04
Speaker 2: problem instead of responding. But then they get to watch
41:07
Speaker 2: as we come back from it.
41:09
Speaker 1: And that's important to be a good role model.
41:12
Speaker 2: 100%. That idea that, you know, I know a lot
41:16
Speaker 2: of kids I grew up with said that my parents
41:18
Speaker 2: never fight. Oh, your parents absolutely fought. They just never
41:21
Speaker 2: did it in front of you.
41:22
Speaker 1: Right. It's like when my parents got divorced, it really
41:26
Speaker 1: blew me away because I didn't think there was ever
41:28
Speaker 1: a problem.
41:29
Speaker 2: Right. Right.
41:30
Speaker 1: I didn't know my mom was unhappy all those years. Right.
41:34
Speaker 1: Because they hid it from us.
41:36
Speaker 2: Right. And we can't, if we want to set our
41:38
Speaker 2: kids up for success... We've got to teach them how
41:41
Speaker 2: to deal with these interpersonal relationships just as much as
41:44
Speaker 2: finding their purpose and mission in life. There's no better place.
41:48
Speaker 2: They're not going to get it at school because kids
41:51
Speaker 2: are bullies. And so if they're trying to get it
41:55
Speaker 2: from school, their idea is going to be, how do
41:58
Speaker 2: I join this group? Okay, so to join this group,
42:00
Speaker 2: I've got to be able to make fun of these kids.
42:03
Speaker 2: And that's how they're learning how to build their interpersonal relationships.
42:06
Speaker 2: And if you want good functioning relationships for your children,
42:10
Speaker 2: it starts at home. And how are you going to
42:12
Speaker 2: model that for them?
42:15
Speaker 1: Like I said, how are you going to teach your
42:18
Speaker 1: kids to make friends?
42:20
Speaker 2: Right.
42:21
Speaker 1: Right. It's not do it for them and it's not
42:25
Speaker 1: protect them from it. Right.
42:28
Speaker 2: I heard this quote here. It's been a while now,
42:30
Speaker 2: but we need to let our kids be bored. Creativity
42:36
Speaker 2: comes out of that boredom. And so that means like
42:39
Speaker 2: if my stepson comes and says, hey, can you call
42:42
Speaker 2: this kid's mom and ask if I can come over?
42:44
Speaker 1: No.
42:47
Speaker 2: But you got the number so you can text him. Well,
42:50
Speaker 2: I'm not going to. And so he just sits there
42:52
Speaker 2: and kind of twiddles his thumbs until he gets bored
42:54
Speaker 2: enough that he pulls his phone out and starts texting.
42:58
Speaker 2: Or the same thing, like he's bored and he's like, well,
43:00
Speaker 2: what can I do? He's like, well, we've got a
43:02
Speaker 2: whole big property here. There's a lot of stuff outside
43:05
Speaker 2: you can go do. Well, I don't want to go outside.
43:07
Speaker 1: Okay.
43:07
Speaker 2: Well then be bored. And eventually he finds something because
43:11
Speaker 2: he has a choice, either find something or be bored.
43:15
Speaker 2: And you were talking about the moms who set up
43:17
Speaker 2: all the play dates. Like we're not giving them the
43:19
Speaker 2: opportunity to be bored enough to find a solution themselves.
43:23
Speaker 2: We're giving them a solution and that's all they get.
43:26
Speaker 1: I remember my sister and I would take two sticks
43:28
Speaker 1: and play with them for hours.
43:29
Speaker 2: Right.
43:30
Speaker 1: You know, and. Today, kids need the video games and
43:35
Speaker 1: the toys and they're not left to their own devices
43:42
Speaker 1: to use their own creativity.
43:45
Speaker 2: Right. And there's a quote that comes with that. Maybe
43:49
Speaker 2: it's a little harsh, but I think there's a little
43:51
Speaker 2: bit of truth there is you're not bored, you're boring.
43:54
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
43:58
Speaker 2: Again, going back to that idea of personal responsibility, you're
44:00
Speaker 2: bored because you're choosing not to find something else to do.
44:03
Speaker 2: And we as adults have to give them that opportunity,
44:06
Speaker 2: but then we've got to step back and let them
44:08
Speaker 2: take that. And if they're not willing to take it,
44:10
Speaker 2: they're going to be super bored. But they're not trying
44:14
Speaker 2: to find something to be creative about.
44:16
Speaker 1: I remember I'm bored, so I'd take an encyclopedia off
44:20
Speaker 1: the shelf and open it up randomly and say, oh,
44:23
Speaker 1: this is interesting.
44:24
Speaker 2: Right, right.
44:27
Speaker 1: And now with Google, it's so much easier.
44:29
Speaker 2: Right, right. You can learn just about anything you want
44:32
Speaker 2: to at a moment's notice.
44:34
Speaker 1: Oh, screens. That's a really good subject to hit on, screens. Yes.
44:40
Speaker 1: Some screens are bad.
44:41
Speaker 2: Right.
44:43
Speaker 1: And it's funny. I have my own YouTube channel for
44:46
Speaker 1: the kids. Right. And a lot of parents say, oh,
44:50
Speaker 1: my God, I'm looking for some good content for them
44:53
Speaker 1: to watch because I don't like what they've been seeing.
44:57
Speaker 1: And I think that's huge that the parents are involved
45:00
Speaker 1: and know what they're looking at. They shouldn't and they
45:03
Speaker 1: stop it. But not all screen time is bad. For instance,
45:09
Speaker 1: I have fun with math. I have fun with science.
45:12
Speaker 1: I have my children's authors reading their stories. I have
45:15
Speaker 1: social emotional content. So I know I can't be the
45:21
Speaker 1: only one making this content. So not all screen time
45:26
Speaker 1: is bad. But parents have to know what their kids
45:29
Speaker 1: are looking at. Right.
45:30
Speaker 2: We have to pay attention to what they're looking at
45:32
Speaker 2: and watching. But we also have to help kids regulate that.
45:36
Speaker 2: We know with screens, with new information and new studies
45:40
Speaker 2: that are coming out, that these screens, whether it's video
45:43
Speaker 2: games or Instagram Reels or whatever, there's dopamine hits that
45:47
Speaker 2: they get. Kids have no ability to self-regulate that. They
45:51
Speaker 2: don't even understand what's going on. But when those dopamine
45:54
Speaker 2: hits keep coming, they're not going to stop. And so
45:57
Speaker 2: it is our responsibility as adults to take that on
46:01
Speaker 2: and help teach them, nope, we're not doing that. You
46:03
Speaker 2: get this much screen time a day. And there are
46:07
Speaker 2: days where if it's between 7 and 9 p.m., that's
46:10
Speaker 2: the only time you can be on your screen. Now
46:13
Speaker 2: you have to choose. Is it going to be a
46:14
Speaker 2: video game? Is it going to be YouTube? Is it
46:16
Speaker 2: going to be this TV show I've been dying to watch?
46:20
Speaker 2: You get to decide what you're going to do with
46:22
Speaker 2: those hours, but you only get these hours. We have
46:26
Speaker 2: to teach them to self-regulate.
46:28
Speaker 1: And I thought it was amazing that I was talking
46:32
Speaker 1: to this parent and the little boy's eyes lit up
46:35
Speaker 1: when I said YouTube channel, right? It's Sparkle Feathers TV,
46:39
Speaker 1: if anyone wants to check it out. And the mother said, remember,
46:43
Speaker 1: you didn't get your five stars at school this week,
46:46
Speaker 1: so you can't watch it. But when you get your
46:50
Speaker 1: five stars, I'll let you watch it.
46:52
Speaker 2: Yes.
46:53
Speaker 1: And now he's going to work harder To be able
46:56
Speaker 1: to get his screen time back. Right.
46:59
Speaker 2: And there's something that's actually within his power to get
47:02
Speaker 2: it back. I remember my son, when he was 15,
47:08
Speaker 2: he was missing a whole bunch of assignments at school.
47:10
Speaker 2: And so I grounded him. He didn't have a cell
47:12
Speaker 2: phone in Montana. At 15, you can drive. But he
47:16
Speaker 2: wasn't allowed to drive the car to school. So he's
47:18
Speaker 2: now getting dropped off by his dad again, which he
47:20
Speaker 2: wasn't super excited about. But the moment that last assignment
47:25
Speaker 2: was turned in, you are ungrounded. So this grounding can
47:28
Speaker 2: last for a day if you get everything turned in today,
47:31
Speaker 2: or it can last for three weeks if you take
47:32
Speaker 2: three weeks to do it. It's your choice. But the
47:36
Speaker 2: moment it's turned in, you will have all these privileges back.
47:39
Speaker 2: You'll get your phone back. You'll get the keys back.
47:41
Speaker 2: You'll get that. But we've got to give them a
47:45
Speaker 2: way out. We can't have an unending ladder of steps
47:47
Speaker 2: that they've got to take where they never get to
47:49
Speaker 2: achieve it. that we've got to give them an opportunity
47:52
Speaker 2: to actually achieve it and then recognize that they've achieved it.
47:55
Speaker 2: Like we've got to share that with them. Good job
47:57
Speaker 2: on getting your five stars. I'm super proud of you.
48:00
Speaker 2: Let's go watch YouTube. And then step down into that.
48:03
Speaker 2: Like I don't want to watch a kid's YouTube show,
48:05
Speaker 2: but I'll do it with my kids because I want
48:07
Speaker 2: to connect with them. So you acknowledge that they have
48:11
Speaker 2: succeeded at it and then you step into their space
48:13
Speaker 2: and do that with them is a great avenue to connect.
48:17
Speaker 1: And, you know, I teach that to the adults I
48:20
Speaker 1: coach too. Break it down into small, measurable steps and
48:25
Speaker 1: then reward yourself. Yes. Yes.
48:29
Speaker 2: I do that with dieting all the time. I was
48:32
Speaker 2: successful today, so I get the cake at night, right?
48:38
Speaker 2: But no, we definitely need to do that. If you're
48:41
Speaker 2: looking at the whole mountain that you have to traverse,
48:43
Speaker 2: it's going to feel overwhelming. And you see it like
48:47
Speaker 2: when you look at hikers that hike up Mount Everest.
48:50
Speaker 2: they don't look at the end goal and that's the
48:53
Speaker 2: only thing in their mind. They've got base camp and
48:55
Speaker 2: then they've got this and then they've got this place.
48:57
Speaker 2: And they talk about all these different places within the hike.
49:01
Speaker 2: They train for this and then they train for that
49:03
Speaker 2: and then they train. And so they've broken that up
49:06
Speaker 2: into steps. If they were to look at the whole
49:08
Speaker 2: mountain and the summit is the only goal, nobody would
49:10
Speaker 2: ever hike up there. And it's the same thing with
49:12
Speaker 2: everything that we have in life. It's easy to get overwhelmed.
49:16
Speaker 2: And so how do you break that down into this
49:19
Speaker 2: is what I need to do right now that's leading
49:22
Speaker 2: or tearing up to my end goal?
49:25
Speaker 1: Well, you started businesses, too, and you said you have
49:28
Speaker 1: your one mission and then you make a checklist, right? Right.
49:32
Speaker 1: This is what I have to do first, second. Yeah,
49:35
Speaker 1: I get I'm starting a new business right now and
49:37
Speaker 1: that's what I'm doing. I'm establishing my mission and then
49:42
Speaker 1: step one, step two, step three. And then I'm going
49:45
Speaker 1: to reward myself each step.
49:48
Speaker 2: Right.
49:48
Speaker 1: And, you know, celebrate it.
49:50
Speaker 2: Right. Even if it's like my wife works on the
49:54
Speaker 2: other side of the hall here, even if it's just
49:57
Speaker 2: stepping up and opening the door and say, hey, honey,
49:59
Speaker 2: it's finally done. You know, just something that acknowledges you've
50:04
Speaker 2: accomplished it. Like we have to give ourselves that accomplishment.
50:07
Speaker 2: And that's one way to actually figure out, are you
50:10
Speaker 2: living your purpose or mission? Do you feel accomplished by it?
50:13
Speaker 2: Or are you just relieved that it's done? There's so
50:17
Speaker 2: many times with, especially work things where you've got this
50:20
Speaker 2: big task that you're doing and you finally get the
50:22
Speaker 2: presentation done and you deliver the presentation. It was incredibly successful,
50:27
Speaker 2: but you just sit back and you're just relieved it's
50:30
Speaker 2: done and that's it. You have no satisfaction that you
50:32
Speaker 2: accomplished something. That's an indicator that that's not what you're
50:36
Speaker 2: passionate about.
50:37
Speaker 1: Right.
50:38
Speaker 2: And you may need to adjust your course. Maybe like
50:40
Speaker 2: you need to stay here because like you still need
50:43
Speaker 2: to pay your bills. Taxes don't stop because you're not
50:46
Speaker 2: satisfied with life. So you may need to be there
50:50
Speaker 2: for a while, but it gives you an opportunity to
50:52
Speaker 2: start looking at, okay, where do I want to be?
50:55
Speaker 2: And for me, I'm working with my hands. We're starting
50:58
Speaker 2: a homestead here in Texas. You know, when I sit
51:01
Speaker 2: on the back porch and I look out at the
51:02
Speaker 2: different things that I've built in the back of the
51:05
Speaker 2: house and I feel accomplished by what I've done. I
51:09
Speaker 2: am providing this for my family and providing these resources.
51:12
Speaker 2: That sense of accomplishment is what we need to feel.
51:15
Speaker 1: Yeah. And that is what I teach in my coaching program.
51:22
Speaker 1: But the first thing you could do is figure out
51:25
Speaker 1: exactly what it is that makes you uncomfortable. That person
51:29
Speaker 1: who does this beautiful presentation and everything is all successful
51:33
Speaker 1: and sits back and not feel fulfilled. They have to
51:36
Speaker 1: figure out why.
51:38
Speaker 2: Right.
51:38
Speaker 1: Otherwise, they will be slapping a Band-Aid on an escaping wound.
51:43
Speaker 2: Right, right. Yeah, I call it putting a Band-Aid on
51:46
Speaker 2: a bullet hole. It isn't going to fix the problem. Yeah,
51:50
Speaker 2: we definitely need to change that. And I think we're
51:54
Speaker 2: seeing it in the younger generation today because we are
51:57
Speaker 2: seeing the younger generation growing up and they don't want
52:00
Speaker 2: the typical nine to five. They don't care about the
52:03
Speaker 2: big house. They don't care about these measures of success.
52:08
Speaker 2: They care about having a life that has purpose and
52:11
Speaker 2: meaning and is fulfilling. And so that's what we should
52:15
Speaker 2: be building our kids up to be. We want them
52:18
Speaker 2: to be able to sit back and love life, not
52:22
Speaker 2: dread having to go to work every day because I
52:24
Speaker 2: have to pay for this big house or I've got
52:26
Speaker 2: to do this. We want them to love the life
52:30
Speaker 2: that they have. Because in return, that's going to benefit
52:34
Speaker 2: our communities and benefit society on a whole. When you
52:37
Speaker 2: are doing what you're passionate about, you are going to
52:40
Speaker 2: help others in that process. And that's going to benefit others.
52:43
Speaker 2: And when those other people have the opportunity to then
52:46
Speaker 2: do what they love, they're going to benefit even more people.
52:50
Speaker 2: That should be our focus for our communities and for society,
52:54
Speaker 2: is what are we doing to benefit everyone around us?
52:57
Speaker 2: And I found when I build things, it's not just
52:59
Speaker 2: for me. If I'm just building things that make me
53:02
Speaker 2: feel good, at the end of the day, I don't
53:04
Speaker 2: feel accomplished by that. But when I look at everybody
53:09
Speaker 2: else who is benefiting from this, then I feel accomplished.
53:12
Speaker 2: I've helped him, and I've helped him, and I've helped him. Yes,
53:15
Speaker 2: this is what life means.
53:19
Speaker 1: Yes, and being an author is not going to make
53:22
Speaker 1: me rich.
53:24
Speaker 2: Right.
53:24
Speaker 1: Financially. But it is making me feel rich because of
53:28
Speaker 1: all the people I've met, all the people I help,
53:31
Speaker 1: all the people who are finding comfort in reading what
53:34
Speaker 1: I've written.
53:35
Speaker 2: Right, right. That's what life is all about. There are
53:40
Speaker 2: some things about the American experiment, and I call it
53:43
Speaker 2: an experiment. We're one of the youngest countries in the
53:46
Speaker 2: history of the world. So a lot of this is
53:48
Speaker 2: an experiment. And Growing up in the education system that
53:52
Speaker 2: we have today, it's setting you up to learn. This
53:55
Speaker 2: is how you check in at nine. This is how
53:57
Speaker 2: you check out at four. This is the purpose. You
54:00
Speaker 2: sit down, shut up, you learn, fill in your tests.
54:04
Speaker 2: Nothing else is important. The only other opportunity that they're
54:08
Speaker 2: going to have to learn about their inherent value and
54:12
Speaker 2: their passions and how they can benefit society is going
54:16
Speaker 2: to come from the home. And we have to be very,
54:20
Speaker 2: very cognizant about how we influence that and be very
54:23
Speaker 2: engaged in that process, or they're only going to learn.
54:26
Speaker 2: My purpose in life is to clock in, sit down
54:30
Speaker 2: and work, clock out, and that's it. And we've got
54:34
Speaker 2: to change that narrative for our kids. I think it's
54:37
Speaker 2: a failed experiment for America. I think that's one of
54:40
Speaker 2: the other reasons that we have as much mental health
54:44
Speaker 2: issues as we do in America is because that's all
54:46
Speaker 2: we were taught to do. So that's what we're doing,
54:48
Speaker 2: and we don't like our life. And when you have
54:51
Speaker 2: no hope that there's a better future, suicide does become
54:54
Speaker 2: an option, and it's a terrible option. We've got to
54:57
Speaker 2: bring that hope back to our kids and back to
54:59
Speaker 2: society that there is a way for you to love
55:01
Speaker 2: your life and survive, and you have a community that's
55:05
Speaker 2: here supporting you while you do it.
55:07
Speaker 1: And that goes doubly for veterans.
55:09
Speaker 2: 100%. 100%.
55:13
Speaker 1: Well, it has been a pleasure talking to you again.
55:16
Speaker 1: I thoroughly enjoyed talking to you at the conference. And
55:19
Speaker 1: that's why I invited you because you have so much
55:23
Speaker 1: to offer. So is there something you'd like to promote
55:29
Speaker 1: or tell the audience about?
55:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I do some, like I said, some
55:34
Speaker 2: speaking on the side, really trying to like sharing a
55:37
Speaker 2: lot of my history and my story. You know, growing
55:40
Speaker 2: up in poverty and not having the best home conditions
55:44
Speaker 2: to joining the military and being very successful in the
55:47
Speaker 2: military until that was, you know, very almost instantaneously ripped
55:51
Speaker 2: out of my life and then struggling as I came
55:54
Speaker 2: home to understand, you know, what purpose does my life have?
55:58
Speaker 2: And through that process, I've learned a lot of different
56:00
Speaker 2: things like not fearing failure. You're going to fail at things.
56:03
Speaker 2: Things are going to mess up and be happening. But
56:04
Speaker 2: how do you take accountability and responsibility seriously? for what
56:07
Speaker 2: you do moving forward from that space. How do you
56:10
Speaker 2: do that? How do you find the right people to
56:12
Speaker 2: surround yourself with? Cause it's easy to surround yourself with
56:14
Speaker 2: people in today's society, but how do you do that
56:17
Speaker 2: in a way that actually builds you up? Um, and then, uh,
56:21
Speaker 2: you know, how do you, how do you find that
56:23
Speaker 2: purpose in that mission again? And you can go to christingitspeaks.com. Um,
56:27
Speaker 2: if you want to learn more about who I am, uh,
56:29
Speaker 2: if you want to, you know, potentially talk to me
56:31
Speaker 2: about coming out and speaking at something, I'm more than
56:34
Speaker 2: happy to do that. But, My whole thing is I
56:37
Speaker 2: want people to have hope that there is a better
56:40
Speaker 2: future for them individually and then us collectively. And I
56:45
Speaker 2: want them to know that there is a pathway to
56:46
Speaker 2: get there. No matter how dark the tunnel may seem,
56:49
Speaker 2: there is always a light at the end of it.
56:52
Speaker 2: And I would love to be there to have a
56:54
Speaker 2: conversation and help you find that light.
56:57
Speaker 1: Okay. Viewers, my audience, if you want to read his book,
57:04
Speaker 1: put a comment below. Let him know that you want
57:07
Speaker 1: him to write a book because I know it's going
57:09
Speaker 1: to be a fascinating thing.
57:13
Speaker 2: Yes, I definitely need to get started on that process.
57:18
Speaker 1: We'll talk. Perfect. Thank you so much for being my guest.
57:24
Speaker 1: I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. And after you write that book,
57:29
Speaker 1: I'm on that.
57:31
Speaker 2: Perfect. Thank you so much for having me on. I
57:33
Speaker 2: appreciate it.