Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E41 - How Kids Learn to Trust Themselves

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S3E41 - How Kids Learn to Trust Themselves · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the Parent Companion series
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  and I'm going to talk about
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  how a child transitions
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  from
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  one type of internal dialogue
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  to
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  a more
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  helpful internal dialogue after they go through the therapeutic process.
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  So one of the most consistent things that we observe when children start therapy
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  is their internal dialogue or the things that they think and say
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  to themselves about themselves.
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  They're often very negative,
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  very critical,
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  very judgmental,
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  often scathing,
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  to be honest.
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  Some of the things that kids say about themselves in play sessions,
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  there's so much hatred and resentment and bitterness,
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  and I mean,
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  it honestly kind of breaks your heart.
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  Until you watch the child
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  start to say self-enhancing things
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  and encouraging things and positive things,
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  and that's the byproduct of the self-esteem work that they do in
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  play therapy.
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  It's the byproduct of the coping skills and the resilience that they build.
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  So I want to kind of explain one of the most common phrases that starts
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  and then one of the most common phrases that ends
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  pretty consistently
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  when kids come into the playroom,
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  especially if they have low self-esteem and or anxiety,
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  and those often go hand in hand.
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  So very consistently we will have high levels of anxiety,
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  low levels of self-esteem,
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  but sometimes independently,
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  high anxiety or low self-esteem.
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  One of the most common phrases that we hear is,
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  oh no,
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  what if,
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  and it's not always that the child says those direct words,
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  but that's how they live their whole life.
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  In other words,
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  Oh no,
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  what if
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  someone dies?
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  Oh no,
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  what if I get an F?
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  Oh no,
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  what if someone stops liking me?
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  Oh no,
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  what if
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  there's a car fire,
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  a car accident,
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  house fire?
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  I was trying to say two things at once.
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  Oh no,
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  what if it's this perpetual impending doom,
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  impending dread.
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  I'm at the mercy of my circumstances.
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  I am a victim
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  of whatever may come.
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  I'm powerless.
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  I have no control,
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  and I don't think that I can handle whatever it is catastrophic
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  that could emerge
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  next.
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  And so when you think about that kind of frame
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  through which you view the world,
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  everything is overwhelming,
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  everything is scary,
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  everything is
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  way too much to manage.
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  And that consumes kids.
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  It becomes their constant refrain.
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  And not that they're necessarily saying those direct words,
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  but they feel it,
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  they experience it.
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  And we see that in the playroom.
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  Oh,
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  I can't climb up there.
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  What if I fall?
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  Oh,
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  I'm not gonna do that because then it could break.
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  Oh,
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  well,
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  I don't want you to have to clean up.
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  That wouldn't be fair to you.
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  We see that pattern of behavior driven by that internal dialogue,
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  very clearly connected.
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  So what happens to address that?
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  How,
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  how does child-centered play therapy
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  help with that scenario?
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  So essentially what goes on,
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  the child comes in and
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  figures out who they are.
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  They start to like themselves,
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  they start to accept themselves,
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  they start to trust themselves.
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  Their self-confidence grows,
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  their self-worth grows.
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  They form a stronger sense of identity.
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  They have self-concept,
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  they have self-confidence,
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  they have all of this that they're acquiring.
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  Plus,
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  they're building,
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  coping and resilience and problem solving.
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  And all of that takes place kind of simultaneously but also distinctly as well.
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  In other words,
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  sometimes it's the same type of play over and over and over again.
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  Sometimes it's multiple types of play converging.
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  But essentially what's going on is the child is kind of
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  aggregating all of these components that they're figuring out about themselves.
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  And the pivot.
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  We'll actually see it in real time in a session.
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  It's so exciting to see
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  because often when you don't feel like you can handle things,
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  you give up really fast.
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  So we'll have a kid that will come in and they'll say,
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  How does this work?
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  Pull something off the shelf,
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  hold it in their hands.
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  How does this work?
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  And
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  we're not the source of answers as the therapist,
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  so
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  we return responsibility.
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  Oh,
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  you're curious how that works.
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  You can figure it out.
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  Early on in the process,
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  they look at it for 234 seconds and it goes right back on the shelf.
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  They don't even make an attempt.
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  Why?
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  Because they don't believe in themselves.
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  They don't think that they're capable
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  and they don't want to run the risk of looking like a failure
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  or looking ignorant
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  or looking like an idiot or some of the other things that they call themselves.
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  They also say really mean things about themselves.
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  I'm an idiot.
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  I'm so stupid.
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  I'm so dumb.
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  I'm such a moron.
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  So even
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  the way that they talk about themselves can be really critical and damaging as well.
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  So,
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  at the beginning of the process,
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  they won't even try.
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  Other kids
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  will automatically default.
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  I mean,
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  without even batting an eye will default to,
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  can you do it?
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  How does this work?
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  Oh,
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  you're curious about how that works.
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  You can figure it out.
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  Can you do it for me?
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  We call that learned helplessness.
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  So
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  they didn't even try.
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  They don't even think that they are capable,
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  and so they just believe that they're helpless and they
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  default to someone else can do it for them.
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  All of these are tied in
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  to,
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  oh no,
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  what if.
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  Oh no,
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  what if I look stupid?
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  Oh no,
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  what if I can't figure it out?
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  Oh no,
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  what if I fail?
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  And we see that in the pattern of behavior.
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  So the shift takes place where a child comes in
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  and actually will persevere.
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  Keep trying at something.
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  They will work and prove that they're competent.
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  They will figure out how to solve problems.
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  They will make things purposefully harder,
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  we call that self-challenging.
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  They will make it purposefully harder
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  just to prove that they can do it,
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  test themselves.
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  Prove that they can figure it out,
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  that they are competent,
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  that they are capable.
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  So that's all self-esteem build.
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  Then they're building resilience.
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  They're building coping.
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  We return responsibility for a reason
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  so that they learn
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  if I keep trying.
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  I know I'll be able to do it.
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  We encourage for the same reason.
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  We use esteem building responses for the same reason.
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  So the pivot point becomes when the child comes in
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  and instead of saying,
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  oh no,
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  what if
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  about what happens in the playroom and about what happens in life in general.
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  Instead,
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  the internal dialogue becomes.
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  I hope
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  X doesn't happen.
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  But if it does,
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  I'll be OK.
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  I'll figure it out.
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  I'll solve the problem.
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  I'll make it work.
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  I believe in myself.
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  I trust myself.
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  I hope that doesn't happen.
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  I hope
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  no one I love dies.
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  I hope.
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  We don't get in a car accident.
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  I hope that our house doesn't catch on fire.
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  I hope that
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  I don't fail that test.
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  I hope that my friends do still like me.
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  But if that happens,
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  I'm going to be OK no matter what.
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  And we see evidence of that in the playroom too,
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  so instead of immediately asking us to do it or putting it back,
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  they'll actually try.
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  They'll challenge themselves,
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  they'll do fear facing stuff.
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  Purposefully do stuff that would have scared the daylights out of them before.
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  They're actually willing to try this time.
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  All of this is that internal dialogue shift.
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  It's reflective of that
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  because what they're saying now is.
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  I'm gonna be OK.
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  I trust myself.
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  I accept myself.
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  I like myself.
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  I will figure it out.
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  And when you have that outlook,
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  you are no longer the victim.
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  You are no longer at the mercy of your circumstances.
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  You literally
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  trust yourself to be capable of handling anything,
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  and that is why CCPT
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  has such long lasting effects far into childhood for the rest of their lives.
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  Why?
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  Because
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  a child that masters that concept at 6 or 9 or 12,
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  they'll have it at 60 and 70 and 80
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  all the way through the rest of their lifespan
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  because it's a mindset.
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  It's not,
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  oh no,
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  what if that's fear based.
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  It's,
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  I hope that doesn't happen,
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  but I'll be OK.
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  That's confidence based.
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  And that is one of the most significant
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  changes that we see in child-centered play therapy sessions
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  as we work with children on their journeys.
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  So,
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  I hope that that gives you some insight into
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  how the internal conversations will change.
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  And if your child is one that tends to operate in that,
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  oh no,
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  what if mentality and or they say really negative things about themselves,
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  one of your most
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  impactful strategies is going to be encouragement phrases.
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  And esteem building responses
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  so that they start to think about themselves differently,
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  return responsibility,
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  give them ownership,
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  and then use encouragement phrases
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  for their effort,
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  and
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  they will
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  start to realize that
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  they are capable,
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  and that's the end goal.
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  All right,
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  if you have questions for me,
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  I would love to hear from you,
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  Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.
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  You can also call 813-812-5525 and leave me a voicemail,
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  and then I could answer your question that way.
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  I love y'all.
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  Hope you have a great week.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
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  Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.