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Why We Seek Validation: The Psychology of Feeling Seen | The Original Self Podcast · The Original Self Podcast

• 0:00
  I have a foil in one hand and a bleach brush
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  in the other, and she's turning her head towards
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  her phone. "Don't I look cute?" I glance at the
• 0:10
  picture on her phone. Meanwhile, the foil is
• 0:13
  still open. The bleach is sitting right next
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  to the part of the hair that I don't want it
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  on, and I need to close up this foil before disaster
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  strikes, and it forms a tiger spot. So I do what
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  I always do: a quick glance, and I say, "Adorable."
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  I go back to painting and closing up the foil.
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  But she's not done. Another photo, a different
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  angle. "Ooh, wait, look at this one." I glance
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  again. Two more seconds lost that I don't have.
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  By photo number four through infinity, I truly
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  start to think about my compensation if I was
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  America's Next Top Model judge. Then I realize
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  No, that's not on anymore. I wonder if Instagram
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  would pay me. All photos after the fourth one
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  elicit responses such as "Gorgeous." "Wow." Always
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  directed towards the vicinity of her phone because
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  I'm not taking my eyes off of what I'm doing
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  any longer. She never notices that I stopped
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  looking. Hey, it's Evet DeCota. I've been standing
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  behind a stylist's chair for almost 40 years
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  now. One of the very first rules a stylist learns
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  in this business is that the appointment isn't
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  about you. It's always about the client. Their
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  day, their story, their hair, of course. That's
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  the job. And honestly, it's one of the things
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  I love most about it because I've learned lots of
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  things from what they tell me information and I learn
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  about their life. I love the whole thing. When
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  someone sits in my chair, I truly try to give
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  them my full attention. But every once in a while,
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  I'll have a client break social rules. She might
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  ask me about my weekend or what I've been up
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  to. And the second I start to answer her, her
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  attention is already somewhere else. Her phone,
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  her reflection, her watch, whatever. It's like
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  it wasn't that she wanted my attention. It was
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  that she wanted to be seen as giving me hers.
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  Once I noticed this years ago, I couldn't stop
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  seeing it. It's not just in the salon. I see
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  it in a lot of places. During every single appointment,
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  before I even have the cape around her neck,
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  this client will say the same thing to me. Will
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  you make me pretty today? Every time, like it's
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  brand new. Like I didn't make her pretty the
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  last 30 times I did her hair. She is pretty,
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  by the way. I honestly don't know whether she's
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  actually needing reassurance or whether she's
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  asking because it's just part of our ritual.
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  That is very possible. Kind of like, how are
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  you? Fine, right? When she says, will you make
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  me look pretty today? I usually retort with something
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  sarcastic, but, you know, with a smile. No, I
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  only do that on Tuesdays. she'll laugh like it's
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  the first time she's ever heard it. But that's
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  our relationship. And honestly, at this point,
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  I think it's as much my ritual as it is hers.
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  What most people that are not hairstylists, what
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  they don't realize is that a lot is going on
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  in the salon that we have to pay attention to,
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  as well as block out, in order to be as present
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  as possible to the client in our chairs. There
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  is constant noise from nearby conversations,
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  the high pitched whine of a full blast blow dryer
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  while the stylist screams over it to, you know,
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  have the client hear her. And then meanwhile,
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  people are speaking on, they have their phones
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  on speakerphone. Someone else might be watching
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  a YouTube video without earbuds. and then another
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  client across the salon may be scrolling reels
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  at full volume. And over all of it, the salon
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  playlist is pumping electronic music that somehow
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  gets more irritating the longer the day goes
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  on. At the same time, you're formulating color,
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  carrying on a conversation, cutting the most
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  precise line of a haircut as if your life depended
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  on it. It does. and every few seconds repositioning
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  a client's head because she keeps turning toward
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  the mirror or her phone or to look at you. I
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  know it sounds like I have a lot of grievances.
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  I do. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, I
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  swear. I would not. It's just that that's a fraction
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  of what's going on in our heads while a client
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  wants me to look at her phone mid-foil. Eventually,
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  the pictures stop. At least I think they have.
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  I've moved on to the next foil. I'm in my rhythm.
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  When I will hear one more time, wait, don't I
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  look cute in this one? I look. You look great.
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  And just when I think that now it's finally done,
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  she'll say to me, you're such a great stylist.
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  At first I used to think that she was complimenting
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  me. Maybe she was. But then I started wondering
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  if the compliment was really just the last sentence
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  in a conversation that had been about her the
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  whole time. Was she really even asking about
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  the pictures at all? Psychology calls that external
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  validation seeking. She's proving that by All
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  the photos, the different angles, and then repeating,
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  don't I look cute? It's not really a question.
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  All of that, the photos, everything, they're
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  bids for reassurance. She's not asking because
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  she doesn't know the answer. I think she's asking
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  because the reassurance fades almost as quickly
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  as she receives it. Psychologists call this self
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  -objectification, and sometimes I wonder if part
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  of her isn't really sitting in the chair at all.
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  Like, maybe she's stepped outside at the moment.
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  Instead of simply enjoying getting her hair done,
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  she's actually watching herself have the experience.
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  That makes me a little sad because I wonder how
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  Often, she actually gets to enjoy feeling beautiful
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  before she starts questioning it again. Here's
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  a question I still don't know the answer to.
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  Can reassurance become a substitute for self
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  -trust? You guys answer that. Help me. So another
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  scenario that happens is she'll ask, how's your
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  family doing? And because I think she's actually
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  interested, maybe I'll start to tell her what's
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  going on with my nephew or something like that.
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  I'm maybe one sentence in and I notice her eyes
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  drift. Then comes the phone. Then she unlocks
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  it, holds it up above her head for me to see
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  and ask, how much more time should I add to the
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  meter? Every time. Decades of appointments and
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  every single time she does it after asking the
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  question. And every time I stop talking. Not
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  because she asked me to, but because somehow
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  the phone makes me feel like I'm interrupting.
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  Isn't that weird? She asked the question, and
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  somehow I end up feeling like the interruption.
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  That's where my mind goes. I think, why'd you
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  ask? And then immediately, I'm making it about
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  me. Maybe she doesn't really care. Maybe I'm
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  boring. Oh my good. My brain can quickly fill
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  in the blanks. I don't even realize it. I interpreted
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  her behavior through my own lens. Researchers
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  have a word for that. It's called phubbing, which
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  is phone snubbing. Using your phone in a way
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  that makes the person you're with feel less important
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  than the screen. But now stepping away from that
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  situation, I start to think about what shapes
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  a real conversation. Healthy conversations have
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  a rhythm. I ask, you answer, I listen and stay
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  with your answer, and then it's my turn. That's
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  conversational reciprocity, right? It's basically
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  the backbone of every relationship we have. Okay,
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  maybe not with our pets. Unless you're me and
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  you answer for the dog in a voice I only reserve
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  for animals. Did you like that? I know you did.
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  That's right. Tell me more. Crazy. The more I
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  think about it, the more I realize that it's
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  not about phones, but about how uncomfortable
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  most of us are with direct conversations. The
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  other day I was with a friend and she told me
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  that when she was in her early 20s, she worked
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  as a hostess and later on as a server. She said
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  that whenever a conflict arose, maybe a customer
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  complained, a coworker upset her, anything, any
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  scenario where she had to confront someone, she
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  wouldn't deal with it. She'd just leave. Like
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  walk out, never come back. She never officially
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  quit. She just disappeared. We laughed about
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  it, you know, at first, like she was laughing
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  as she was telling me. But then I found myself
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  later on that night being fascinated by that
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  behavior. And then when I think about this story,
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  I realized that some people would rather hold
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  up a parking meter pay app than say, can we move
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  a little faster today? But then there's my other
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  clients, the ones who sit down in the chair and
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  say, do whatever you think, do the same thing
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  you did last time, I loved it. They don't spend
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  their appointment wondering how they look or
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  how they will eventually look. They spend their
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  appointments telling me about their lives, what
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  they've learned, what they've experienced. They
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  tell me about their trips. A great book that
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  they're reading or some documentary that they
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  watch that they just know all love. Many times
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  they ask how my family is and stay for the answer.
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  They're fully there. They're fully present. And
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  it's not like they think they're perfect or that
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  they never need reassurance. Of course they do.
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  We all do. They're just not spending the majority
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  of their appointment. monitoring themselves.
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  The clients that are most comfortable in themselves
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  rarely ask me, do I look okay? And like I said
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  before, even though we're taught from the very
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  beginning that the appointment isn't about us,
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  hair stylists are still human. Most of us are.
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  There are unspoken rules that help conversations
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  feel balanced and relationships feel mutual.
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  When those rules are broken, even in a small
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  way, it can leave us feeling a little thrown.
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  And I believe that's usually why my reaction
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  is like that. Looking back though, I don't think
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  she was ever asking me whether she looked cute,
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  for real. I think she was asking a much more
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  thought about question. Am I okay? For a long
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  time, that question exhausted me. It felt like
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  being asked to hand over reassurance I didn't
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  have an endless supply of. But the more years
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  that go by of me being a hairstylist, the more
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  I started to think about what's actually underneath
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  all of this. And I thought a lot of people don't
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  get real one -on -one attention any longer. Not
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  the sustained kind, like someone fully facing
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  you, not checking their screen, not halfway somewhere
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  else. There are a lot of places that you used
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  to run into familiar faces. The gym, the coffee
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  shop, especially the office. They have fewer
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  people showing up consistently now. People are
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  alone more. And even when they do connect, it
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  can feel rushed or transactional. So for many,
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  sitting in my chair may be one of the only places
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  left in their week where someone is entirely
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  there with them, they're present for them. My
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  quick judgment about this client at the time
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  was probably, you know, she's self -absorbed.
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  But it may be that she's just starved for connection.
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  And my judgy little self has to think about that.
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  There may be even a part of her that doesn't
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  quite trust that anyone would look at her for
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  free. So she has to keep asking for proof. When
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  I consider that possibility, that judgment turns
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  to Tenderness it turns to understanding Because
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  I don't know exactly where reassurance ends and
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  self -trust begins. I'm not sure anyone does
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  But I know this much She leaves my chair every
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  time still asking the question and I keep answering
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  it That's my job I'm not there to solve it I'm
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  just one person willing to say yes again and
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  again for as long as it takes. If this episode
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  brought someone to mind for you, or maybe you
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  even brought something up in yourself, I hope
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  you'll stay curious about it. If you'd like to
• 15:59
  continue the conversation, you'll find all of
• 16:01
  my contact information in this episode's notes.
• 16:05
  I'm Evet DeCota. Thank you for listening, and
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  I'll talk with you next time. The Original Self
• 16:15
  Podcast