Latest / Beyond the Pouch / Love, Relationships & Intimacy: Men’s Health Takeover Ep. 3 – Beyond the Pouch

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Love, Relationships & Intimacy: Men’s Health Takeover Ep. 3 – Beyond the Pouch · Beyond the Pouch

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, we had a sex life before stoma and then one after, and it was it was just like there was nothing nothing there.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: I actually had a bag come off during sex.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, did yeah, that was pretty interesting.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: And um yeah, we cleaned it up and just carried on afterwards.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: If someone is with you and they go, I don't like that, but then you're out.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: That person wasn't the right person for you.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: If they can love you at your best, love you at your worst, then they're a keeper.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right, welcome back, guys, to episode three of Beyond the Pouch with Men's Health Takeover.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: And this week we're gonna be talking about all things intimacy, dating, love with stoma IBD and all those sorts of things.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Challenges you've had, maybe some funny stories, anecdotes, and just top tips you might give some people that are navigating this space, either being single, looking to date, or have been in long-term relationships.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, first of all, as always, how are you boys?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: How are we doing?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Great, very good.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: Glad to be back.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, loving it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely loving it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely loving it.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Talking about loving it.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Great segue, that nice thing.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: That was so so easily done.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's like this, I do this all the time.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um let's talk about love.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about love and the stomas.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: And like let's kick it off.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: What was it like when you started talking to your partner's loved ones about your stoma and who wants to go first goes?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't mind.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my story's quite short, really.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Here we go then.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um I won't have a lot to say about, really, because it was just easy, really.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've been with Rachel for Well, she's gonna kill me if I don't get this right.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: We've been married.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: We can edit it out, way.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine, don't we?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: We got married in 2003.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can do the math.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: We fact check that, please, after.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: We definitely got married in 2003.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So yes, 22 years we've married.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, congratulations.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: We've been together must be 26 years.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously we had a a sex life before stoma and then one after, and it was it was just like there was nothing nothing there.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing changed.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing changed.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, nothing nothing changed.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Certainly nothing changed for Rachel.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but in terms of myself, yeah, yeah.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I had some views on it because now I'm having sex with this bag on.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it it made no difference to Rachel, none whatsoever.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, yes, I was like, hang on a minute.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: What do we do with this?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know, obviously we're just trying to make sure it was an empty pouch.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's always a good start.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: An empty pouch.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then just cracks on, really.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, look, like it was never an issue.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: It is look, it's it's something that I guess it's hard to navigate like first time, right?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: When you're thinking about it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do not I I'm gonna say this kindly or in the right way.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Do you put a support belt on?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was gonna say strap it up, but I don't think I should say that, but I have done now.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: But put a support belt on.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: I did try that, I tried that at the beginning, putting a support belt on, but I just felt just it double the bag will uh fold up anyway.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Especially the bag I wear, yes.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: And it'll fold up.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um I like to call it the um intimacy section.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but it I tried it with a wrap on, and it's just it it's just not worth it.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Fair enough.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I I I will always put a wrap over the water.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: You will, which I'll always be a bit like not that I don't want it to get in the way, but like I'm always worried it might come off or something like that.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean I've got I have used a waistband or wrap, but I felt like it was almost like leaving your pants on.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It just didn't feel right.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it doesn't feel like that.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: I actually had a bag come off during sex.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it did, yeah.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that was quite interesting.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: And um yeah, we cleaned it up and just carried on afterwards.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: You know, that's just the way to go, isn't it?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's only a bag, it's when you start it, you might as well finish.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: That's a good moment to lift by it.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: So just one of many um interesting stories.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: So let's tell you about my other interesting story.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: Go on then.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: So um when I had my stoma surgery, and as I said, I had my um Barbie butt surgery as well.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: When I came home, um I was a little bit eager to resume my sexual relations with my wife.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: And she told me she started she was saying, No, no, you've just had surgery.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: You need to rest.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: Be careful.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: But no, no, but I I ultimately paid the price for it.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I know a few of you have heard this story.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um I've not, and I think from this story.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: But I was a little bit eager and I actually split the stitches in my backside.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: You taught yourself a new one.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: I couldn't have a new one.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: But I couldn't have it sewn back up.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: I had to have it packed for about six weeks then.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_02: And they had to like treat it like an open wound, and that was all because I couldn't wait.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know So I paid the price for it literally.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, funny enough, I never had mine stitched.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Mine was packed from the off.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Was it?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Which is really painful.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, mine was never stitched, it was packed.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: For context of that, you were saying about your rectums being a good idea.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I never had it, it was never stitched.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh right.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd I had the huge, huge open wound, and uh they packed it, and then as it healed from the bottom upwards, it just reduced the size of the packing to the point where it just then heals.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: But they just completely seal over there.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, it just seals over.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes the nurses come into the house to do it, other times I had to go to um medical centres to have it done.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I also remember laying on the bed with my bum up in the air with my pulling down.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: And the nurse walked in and just looked at my bum and said, Oh hello, kid.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: Can we just go back to the you were that eager?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: You've got stitches and you were still that eager.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, still that eager, yeah.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know that's quite incredible.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Well well, fair play.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: I've been called worse.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, but uh yes, it was.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: But going back to the the sex and the intimacy, um now.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Although uh I'd been through my illness and my stoma surgery, it was also round and I've asked my wife if I can talk about this, and it's also round the time that my wife was going through the menopause.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: So um it just everything was hard for my wife as well.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: So it was you know what I mean.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_02: I had to be conscious of what she was going through and she was conscious of what I was going through.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: So did those cause conflicts?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: Did they collide?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: No, it just it just meant that we um if one of us didn't feel like it, yeah, because of You wouldn't feel rejected or you wouldn't feel rejected.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: No, we just we just had to totally look after each other and make sure each other were okay, you know, because the menopause is a massive thing for huge, yeah.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: Huge things, you know, and uh again it affects our lives as well as as our partners and we have to think what they're going through as well.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Can I yeah Can I ask, like, is there any point after surgery or even like pre-surgery?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Were you worried that your partner may look at you differently?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know this is a big topic for a lot of people that listen.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, not at all.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: But I do know of people that have suffered with that and have actually lost partners because of it.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um but yeah, for me it was it was never an issue.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen a lot of that online where um people learn to say you've lost partners because they've gained a storm.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: But I just think It weren't right.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: It weren't right.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: It weren't right.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing that men will struggle to talk with about uh and I'll I'll say it.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did any of you suffer with any erection problems?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: Amongst the cancer community, it's it's known chemotherapy will have that effect on you.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: And then after you've had surgery um you know, those people with prostate cancer, lung cancer amongst what we spoke to with Macmillan.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: It is something that isn't really spoken up unless you're within it.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, 100% and going through it.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: Certainly affected my libido.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: Uh and I struggled as part of six, seven months um getting an erection.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_03: Um and there are still times now where I'm thinking, you know, can I perform?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Can I do it?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: Am I doing it right?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: Things have changed.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_03: Um But yeah, it did take an awfully long time to almost have that confidence build up and for those parts to start working again.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: They did actually tell me that when I was having the Barbie butt surgery, that that was something that could happen.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: They could hit something and that would cause normal erections.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: But thankfully, it didn't happen.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yeah.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: But it can happen.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I still suffer to this day, and I've had my stainwell, is it's is it ten years this year or nine years?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I I still and it I suppose it talking about intimacy, it put me off intimacy.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'd want to have sex.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so would Rachel, but I couldn't get an erection.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it that just knocks your confidence.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So did you like were you uh really open like bringing this up with your partners and stuff like this?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Be like, look, this is what's happening, it's not it's I want to, like the mind is willing, but the body isn't.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh absolutely.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: The mind was is always willing, yeah.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but something else isn't willing.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to revert to uh the blue pills, the the vibra tablets.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then that kind of takes a a little bit off the the edge of the intimacy, because then you're almost planning sex because you think for me to have sex, I'm gonna have to have a blue pill to make it work.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you could then couldn't have spontaneous sex, you know.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: You couldn't be planned, yeah, you couldn't structured.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like let's go and have a quickie.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can't do it because you can't.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or even worse, I go, I don't do it.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I've just had the I've done it now.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just sit here, I'm just gonna sit here and look at it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: So that that took a bit of because intimate moments to me are they mean a lot.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I love my wife hugely, and that connection of of having sex is just so powerful.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's more than just sex.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, some men go, yeah, I'll just have sex.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: But sex means a lot to me.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So it took a bit of a bit of shine off it, if you like.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Just thinking, oh, I'm gonna have to go and take that tablet.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's gonna take half an hour to start working.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so by the time it then gets to it, you're like We were counting the minutes down, right?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: 21 minutes.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, when it gets to that moment, you're just like, well, I don't know if I really want to now.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, no, it's it's really interesting because I've actually never looked at it from this way round.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because I've like not it's I did I don't mean this to be boastful at all.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: I've not had any issues or anything like that in that department, but it's a very interesting like spin because I've not thought of it that way round, right?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Especially with like it can affect from medication, have you said chemotherapy and things like that, or even just surgery.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know when I had my stoma surgery, they said, Do you want to have your your you know your full proctectomy, take your bum out and sew everything up?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I was like, I'm not sure.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: And my consultant said, if we do, there's lots of nerve endings there, so that can it have a real impact.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, mm-hmm I'm single at the moment, so can we not?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Is that alright?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Can I come back to it?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like I don't want to then meet or you know, I was dating my wife at the time.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'd always be like, oh, that's not happening now, like cards off the table sort of thing.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: See, it was never discussed.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we we discussed a lot about the surgery, but that never got discussed.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I look back at that and I think, if they'd have mentioned that, would I have still gone through the surgery?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I I absolutely would have done.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it was never mentioned.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_03: And it Was it known back then?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: From what I've researched I've done, they are supposed to tell you that.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And they didn't.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: It wouldn't have changed my decision.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: But what it would have done was prepare me for it.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because when it first started Well, not happening, if you like, I was like, why is this not working?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it not working?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why why can't I perform?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I get an erection?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I was then going to the doctor saying, I can't get an erection.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, Yeah, it's because you've just had you've got a colostomy, it's it's damaged the nerves.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, right.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: No, now I know the answer, but I'd like to have been told that beforehand, so then when it didn't happen, if you like, at least I knew.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: So for ages for it then, yeah.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_02: Again, it wouldn't have been such a shock yet, wouldn't it?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and it kind of links back to the podcast, the other podcast we did about mental health.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: That then affected my mental health.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Everything knocks your mental health when you're suffering and when things aren't working, it it knocks the mental health.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: But it's good that you've had like you know, Rachel and and your wife, etc., and partners where you've then been able to openly chat about it to go, yeah, this is it.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, if you can be open, it it's so much easier.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because how would it be like if you were dating?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like you didn't have your long-term partners and you were doing it.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: How would you navigate that?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: Or I th I honestly think that being open is the key to everything.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it's like uh work.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: You know, people ask me, Oh, I'm starting a job now, I've got a stoma, shall I say something?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_02: Well, first of all, it's entirely up to you.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_02: But personally, I think coming out about things, not like dating somebody and then six weeks down the line saying, Oh, you know, by the way, before we jump into bed, I've got a stoma.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: And then it's that other person is making that decision then.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_02: But do you feel that maybe By being a pertinent people will be put off.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: But then again, if they put off, are they the right peop pe people for you to be with?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe they're not.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: But it that shouldn't be a defining factor.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: I mean I get I get asked this quite a lot with some people and they say like, how did you approach it with dating and things?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll get I'll sort of say like when I first met my wife, um, it was two weeks before my surgery, and I was like, I've got big life events happening in two weeks.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we've been on two dates.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: If you're not interested, like fine, does not matter, right?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it's to your point, I had you have got to be open and honest, like straight off the bat, because there's two schools of thought.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Firstly, it separates the wheat from the chaff.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm either gonna dedicate some time to this and you're not bothered by it, and also secondly, to your point with mental health and just general physical health, it's quite draining to go that far and along in a relationship, like six months down the line, and then go, Oh, by the way, I've got this.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you do you know what I mean?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then you fall in for each other.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and then is the conversation done on the first date?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_03: Or is it oh yeah, second?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Literally, we we met on Hinge swiping around like so.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'll say about like this.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: I met Jessica through Hinge, and my sister lives um like very posh end of West London.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Jessica was living there in a flat as well.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember looking at her profile going, I can't afford that.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I swiped no.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: I've got I've got no chance with this person.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then it popped up again, and I was gone and give it a go.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Then we met, and I was like, oh, she's not this really posh, overly wealthy individual from you know, Knightsbridge, Mayfair, Chiswick way, she's a Yorkshire lass.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Alright, cool.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: Then we start then we met and all these sorts of things.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: But when we started to talk about IBD, stomas, etc., I had my Instagram link to my account.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: So it was always there.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, oh, that's quite interesting.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I kind of saw it as a navigator to be like, this makes me stand out from other people.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: They see this is my unique selling point, so this may help in in like the dating uh sort of world.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, just as soon as we had surgery, or as soon as I had surgery, she was like just so incredibly supportive.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: But she saw me before and after, she can't really remember me like before, but I was so unwell, and again, I we were in them on a second date.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: I went to the toilet, um, really bad IBD, and like I ran the shower.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I wasn't getting this shower, ran the shower, everything, it was so loud, and I was like, I'm gonna go now.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: And she was just like, bye! And I was and I remember like we talked about the other day, she's like, Oh, I could hear it, and like it was like it honestly, she was she just couldn't stop laughing.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, I thought you've had like a fake like microphone thing.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: It was that loud and that light.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Yep, cool.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: IBD, love it, could be happier.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Could be happier, but yeah, like um when you've I know we've talked like around sex and these sorts of things, and and and talking about you know being intimate and and that sort of side of things with with a stoma, but are there points where you've gone like this is nothing's different, nothing's changed.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: I've got more of a connection now after the surgery rather than before.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what are your thoughts about that?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_02: Well well, I just felt that um I was a different person.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_02: I was just I was just so ill.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: And everything, I didn't want to do anything.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um and just coming back and being yourself it just makes a difference, isn't it?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and I say ta listening to your story there, uh Jane and myself, we're from totally different worlds.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: Uh you know, I grew up on the council estate, she didn't, she's my posh wife.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um but we were meant for each other.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: So it just works, isn't it?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it just works.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it does just work.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: We've got so much in common and we have so much love for each other, it's incre it's insane actually how much love we have for each other.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_02: And yet we're just from different worlds.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_02: And you who who'd lock at the two of us and and you think they'd never work together, but we do.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: And we're just so good for each other.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: I love love.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: And and store and storm of surgery didn't change that at all.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_02: No, I think that's just another day in life.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, just another day in life.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's the key bit, right?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's so many people that are so worried.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like I have stone, I'm gonna be I'm gonna struggle with body images, normally point one, or the other person's gonna view me differently.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're not gonna love me the same.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: These are all things that like gonna be really prominent, right?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where actually to people that are worried about this or navigating this point in their lives, either it's a new relationship or really, really strong relationship, um, or long term I should say.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's not nothing will be different.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's the real key.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's a bag.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_03: My wife sees the stone mose like a godsend because there was a point where the doctors were saying he might not make it.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_03: And so when you you kind of spin it to go, you look at something and go, that saved your life.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: That's something you should be grateful for.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: Um and yeah, for for us it was it brought us m closer together, just the fact that I might not have ever seen her again.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's a really nice way, yeah.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_02: And it it's massive.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know um life is something we we should all really precious?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_02: Precious, we should be positive about it.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um I I get asked quite a lot um why I'm so positive, why I'm so positive all the time.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: And my answer is always the same.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_02: I have lost so many people to so many illnesses, but I'm still you.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_02: All I've got is a little storm and and I a bag.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's a different way of going to the toilet.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm fit, I'm healthy, and I'm here to enjoy my kids, my wife, my grandkids, and I'm you.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_02: Without the store and sex, obviously.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_02: But without my stomach, I wouldn't be you.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I would I would have passed away.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_02: And um I just love life so much.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: I really do.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: Again, like it just goes back to what we said before.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's making sure you like you're open, you chat about it.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's always going to be like the the key part of it.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: But also it will take time for you to accept like a bag, but it won't it won't change your life in a negative sense, especially in this arena, especially in things like intimacy, love, relationships, etc.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: And to the point that you've already said, like if someone is with you and they go, I don't like that, that then you're out.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: That person will be the right person for you.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, 100%.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_02: It's not that is not the right person for you.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_02: You are the most important thing.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_02: I don't mean that to come across, but you are your life, your happiness is so important.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_02: If somebody doesn't want to make you feel that way, then they're not not the right person for you.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: I think if they can love you at your best and love you at your worst, then they're a keeper.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: 100%.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: So I remember I think I was saying this on a previous podcast or even in other other conversations we've had.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: After um uh my stoma surgery, I had a blockage just a few months after.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: So, and that was like during COVID, etc.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a little bit like you were saying, you only get like an hour or two with an individual.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um I was living at home with with Jessica, I was in the hospital, Jessica comes in, we both see each other for the first time.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't seen her in like a week because of all this.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: I start we I well up, she wells up, we start crying, and I'm on my side because I've got blockage, and my bag literally like moments later just explodes.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes and gets a bucket, like the little cardboard bucket, and she's like that, literally, like collecting like poop.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I've gonna have to marry this girl, aren't I?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: I can't I can't poop all over her hands.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: And be like, sorry, I don't know.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't working out.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I wrote in my wedding speech.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: Did you?
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was just like from poop sprays to sun rays, you've always been there.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: Stuff like that.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_04: Love it.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, no, it's class.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: But then if we if you're new to the dating world um or you've just had surgery and you're single and you're looking to get out there, like what what practical advice or topics would you say as as a man to another man?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: What would you say?
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_02: No, that's not true.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_02: No, I I really I can't no, I couldn't imagine it.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: I can't never navigate that.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Something dreadful happened and I lost Rachel tomorrow the the thought of going out and trying to date, I j I don't I think I'd just be single for the rest of my life.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_03: But is that because of your love for Rachel rather than having a stoma for the love for Rachel?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, Rachel.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: I think the c it's more the sense of someone more in your position was early on in the dating scene or trying to get out there and meet someone but has a stoma.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I f for me it is clearly about the love for Rachel, but I think it If I had to get back into the dating scene, I I I think I would have to say at early doors, look, I I'm Chris and I've got a bag because I think I wouldn't want the rejection further down the line when you start falling for somebody, and I think it's always gonna be niggling in your mind that you haven't told them.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you do and they say uh no, okay, they're they're not the right person for you, but you've still invested yourself into that person and you're still gonna be heartbroken.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: That might then have a negative impact on when you try again with somebody else.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I think I think I I've asked, I've got a lot of girlfriends, and I've all asked them.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: She's met no she's met them all.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh right.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I go out with some of these girls and I I I do ask them, I say, Yeah, you're single.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you met a guy and he had a a stoma, how quickly would you want him to tell you?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the majority of them all said, Yeah, pretty quick.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's a brilliant question.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, pretty quick.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: They said it wouldn't make a difference.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh they said it wouldn't make a difference how we feel about them, but yes, I would like to know know that early doors.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_03: I think more and more it's people are going online and trying to find someone rather than I guess certainly from when I was younger, you go out and meet people.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we went out.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: Um but now I guess you just put it on your profile, you choose whether you do or you don't.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: I would as you guys have all said, just put it out there and people will make their own decisions whether they look at that one thing and go, it's not for me, fine.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: But I would imagine most people would want to get to know you before they make a decision.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because your bag doesn't define you, right?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they get what it does.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: So would you go on a stomer-only dating site?
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're out there.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they are out there, yeah.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't think I would.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: But then I wouldn't I that that seems quite selective.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'd rather niche.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the niche tomorrow, thank you.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'd rather go and look at it much more broadly.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm, you know, but I don't know.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some people are looking for that with it.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but maybe it's you know their own confidence issues that they've got to try and find a partner with one.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, true.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um maybe they think they'll be more accepted quicker.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then you'll have that connection as well, common traits, all those sorts of things.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna I'm gonna uh lead it back into the bedroom.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um with if you think back to like the first time you start to be like really intimate with your partners, right?
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: What what like tips or practical elements would you say to someone who's gonna be intimate with their partner for the first time after surgery?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like what in my case, be careful.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, wait until you wait until you stitch and you've recovered.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: But what what like tips would you give somebody that's like just had surgery, they're thinking about doing it or take it easy.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's not it's like um recovery from surgery.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah right?
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of people say, Oh, how long am I gonna take to recover?
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_02: You know, or you were there in six weeks and and I'm six weeks late and I'm still not half recovered.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's not a race.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_02: We're all different.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_02: It's like in the bedroom.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_02: It's not a race.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, it's not a race.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_04: Take care of the rate.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_02: Probably.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_02: You just take your time and you know when you're ready.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and nothing in this world is worth rushing.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_02: Even the intimacy.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_02: Don't rush, take your time.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: What you guys?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'd say just once you've fully recovered, Keith.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um just crack on as normal.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's there's nothing you can't do that you would probably be doing before.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's you know, if we break it right down, there's there's no position that is going to cause you a problem.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_04: No.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: So just carry on.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just carry on as if it wasn't there, really.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's fair.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_03: If it's a psychological psychological issue, it's it's about having that conversation with your partner before you do it, because the last thing you want to do is make them feel that they're rejected, that they're the issue rather than if you could just sit down what I did with my wife was to say that it's not working at the moment.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: And we knew that this was gonna be w one of the possible side effects.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_03: So it's just being patient, but that doesn't mean that you can't be intimate.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, 100%.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think intimacy as well.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I know we're all men here and we're just like, yeah, sex, yeah, but it's more like there are other areas that you can be intimate with people.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: And things like cutting and all those sorts of things.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when like Jessica and I were first getting into that stage after after surgery, especially being a new relationship.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: This is this is quite an interesting challenge.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, you're dating someone new, you've now got a new body, you've now got a new accessory.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it looks cool, got back back, couldn't be happier.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: But then you're like, it's the first time I'm gonna be naked in front of you.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: That was quite big.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then it was very much like, well, what are we gonna do?
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: How do we like not how are we gonna do it?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's I remember saying to her, like, I've still got a few scars, like, I've still got bits and pieces, like, let's just do things like to your point slowly.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: But it was all fine, like everything was fine.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: There was no issues.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's all good fun.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: Everything's a learning curve, isn't it?
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, 100%.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's never nothing's ever really got in the way since.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, don't get wrong, I have a once where I think the bag's like come off a little bit in between.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I that's why that's why I have a wrap round it, because I'm just like in case it's it's there's no issues, that's it.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, that's the idea.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, as Chris said, it's like keeping you underwear, right?
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_01: Or would you be socks on, would it?
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: I don't get cold.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, I mean look, it's I think it's it's really interesting to see it from that perspective.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, that you know, talk guys.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_02: You know, this is what this is all about.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_02: Talk.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_02: You know, don't just talk to each other, talk to partners, talk to waves, your girlfriends.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people don't do that.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_02: No, I don't.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_02: And they're your partner.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_02: And people don't do that.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_03: They find it embarrassing though, don't they?
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_03: That's part of your manhood, as it were.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_03: And if those body parts aren't working, you you are gonna feel oh lesser.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you do, yeah.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I can you really do feel like a lesser man when it's not working.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: But it's trying to take that pressure off yourself.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_03: You'll be surprised how understanding the other half of they've supported you through all of that.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: And they can support you through this as well.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, the r the support we've received in this room is in it's incredible.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely incredible.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_02: I I I say I do so much, but I couldn't do any of it without Gene.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, 100%.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_02: Couldn't do it without Jessica.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_02: Just couldn't.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Utter rock.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_03: That's why I call my wife my rock.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I call her my angel.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: One of my angels.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: That we have these conversations, yeah.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: We always end up talking about our wives.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_02: That's well, there's nothing wrong with that.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_02: No, absolutely.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_02: That's a very, very positive slogan.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_02: I could talk about my wife all day long, honestly.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_02: I really could.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: But then we need to make sure we do the same for them when they're unwell and not be a man and go, oh, you've just got a cold girl, you know.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_02: Well I can obviously do the same back.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_02: If Jane is not well, I will look after her 100%.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_02: She'd vouch for that.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_02: She is she is my world, honestly.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: I think as well, like it's if you if we go back to like the the having a bag and intimacy and those things, it's not also not a burden or anything to to the other partner or the other individual.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I always think that's always a barrier.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: Am I gonna be more of a burden in this area?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_02: It makes absolutely no difference.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_02: The bag doesn't get in the way.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_02: It's just a bag.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: And if anything, it makes funny noises sometimes like John and I mean just breaks the ice, breaks the wind.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Always when you're in a quiet place in the waiting room.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: Up it trumps, you're like, thanks for that.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was on I was on it literally on the train and uh yeah.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: Carriages packed on the way to work and the stomach's just like, hey everybody, how are you doing?
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, what come on man, like shut up.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_03: That's what you happen to do.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_03: You sit in the quiet carriage.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_03: Uh and it's not so quiet from where you're sitting.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_02: Mine is um mine is perfectly quiet.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_02: I hate to say this, boys, but mine is perfectly quiet.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_02: Now I heard a rumour that if you were a windy person before your storm of surgery, then your bag is going to be windy and noisy.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I wasn't a windy person before, so I've been quite lucky.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't see hardly any noise.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_03: Mine are wraps.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: It can let out some real rippers.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, right.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_03: It could call you from two streets over.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes when I'm at work and I'm standing at my custody desk and I'm booking in someone that's been arrested, and I'm standing there booking them in, and I'm talking if they're being quiet, I'd talk quietly, and then all of a sudden you just get on board.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the person standing on the other side of the desk just looks at you with the what have you done that for?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, sorry about that.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well no, I don't I don't explain what it is.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, sorry about that.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_03: You're there and you you're you're kind of aware that something might just happen, and you get to the end and you're about to say goodbye, and then it decides to say hello.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_03: Uh and you look and go, okay, bye.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_03: And then close it and almost carry on like nothing that's what you've got to do there, haven't you?
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: You've just got to carry on.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: But the people looking at you have like that's really rude.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: But they don't they don't know, do they?
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well I'm gonna I'm gonna link this back to Dayton, I will link this back to industry because again, like my wife will just laugh and she'll be like, What is what the hell?
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what have you eaten?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: But it's funny, right?
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's the point.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Again, it's not something that someone's gonna go, uh gross.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it does that.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: It you know, sometimes it will fart during sex.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: And again, you've just got to laugh that off.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: And just sometimes it can end it because you're just too busy laughing.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: But other times just carry on.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, 100%.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: It can be loud and it is always loud.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: It always feels loud, those quiet moments.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: And just like, yeah, cheers.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm lucky, and I'm not sure.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_01: Is there anything else that like you would say for anyone's in a dating, getting out in the world, thinking about having this conversation with their partner?
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_02: No, my my big one is just be honest, be upfront.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_02: If you can, and not out I know everyone can't be like that, but um I've always found it's easier just to talk about things like that.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I like I say, I think that's the whole point of us guys talking is to get more people, whether it's men or women, men and women, get talking.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_02: Don't don't not talk about things and you know, reveal things further down the line because it can just go the wrong way, can it?
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think I think yeah, you you're spot on.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think also like you've got to work out what's gonna work for you.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, especially in like the bedroom side of things, like you know, what's what works, what doesn't work, well, especially whilst your body's healing, like especially whilst your body's healing, Keith.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_01: But just like it healed eventually.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, quite, yeah.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: But it's it's like again, as we've said in other bits, it it's temporary in terms of like post-surgery.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: Then you'll find your rhythm, you'll find what works for you, and then that just becomes your normal, right?
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like everything else.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_01: This bag's normal.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: The rest of me, the rest of what I do is gonna be normal.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: So how do you feel during sex when the bag touches your partner?
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just taps them as a bit of encouragement.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_01: A bit of a love tap.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no, I that's why I'll to be honest, that's why I'll normally have a uh wrap around it just because that was one of the only things I was conscious of.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I'd put on a clean bag and it'd be empty and you can feel the bag rubbing on Rachel's skin.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I just think, oh my bag's touching.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_01: But that's where like my my bag, because sometimes I won't wear a wrap, I'll do as you do.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'll put the um the intimate the intimate flat pot, if you will, that you flip.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_01: You can fold actually fold the bag in half with velcro.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: The Mode V bag's great for folding enough.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: But that works that works perfect.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, right, cool, then it's fine.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_01: But again, I do sit there consciously sometimes and go, I just like that's more my mental health side, not mental health, it's my mental side.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's not on my mind at the time, you tell you.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I also prefer to have a black bag on as well.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_03: Different colours for different occasions.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, Moldavie.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_02: You've got um two different colours, haven't you?
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I prefer the black fundamental.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: I prefer the black one, that gives me confidence.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like the the normal colour.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_03: The code you don't know?
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_03: No, no.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_03: I'm more of a natural nude.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_03: Natural.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_03: Blends in quite nicely.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_03: Depends on the lighting though.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, because if it's dark you can't see anywhere, so you can bring it in the light, did it?
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_02: Well I'll just have a disco.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, while you do a home case.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, look, guys, thank you very much for that.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate this conversation because there's been some really interesting topics around dating, intimacy, practical tips that that we've got there.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so yeah, thank you so much.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_01: And we look forward to speaking to you all next time.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_01: Can't wait.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, stay tuned.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: See you soon.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: This one goes episode.