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Giving Difficult Feedback Without Destroying People - Episode 22 · Profit and Principle

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a conversation you've been putting off.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it is, but I'm confident it's there.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: It might be with someone on your team who has been underperforming for months and you told yourself you're giving it more time.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: It might be with a business partner whose behavior is damaging the organization and you keep hoping the situation will resolve itself.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: It might be with a long-tenured employee you genuinely like, which makes it harder, not easier, to say what needs to be said.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want you to notice.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: The longer that conversation doesn't happen, the more expensive it gets.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: For the organization, for the relationship, and for the person on the other end who's being deprived of information they need to make good decisions about their own career and their own development.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Avoidance feels like kindness.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a form of withholding.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Dr.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Daryl Stein and this is Profit and Principle.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: The last episode we talked about the power of your words to build or tear down.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is about the specific category of words that leaders most consistently fail to deliver.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Honest, direct, caring feedback that tells someone what they need to hear.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to look at what scripture says about it, why it's an act of love rather than an act of aggression, and how to actually do it in a way that helps the other person rather than just relieving your own discomfort.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: You'll walk away with a clear biblical framework for difficult feedback and a specific approach you can apply to the conversation you've been avoiding.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: The failure to give honest feedback is one of the most costly and least visible problems in most organizations.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Let me describe what it actually costs.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: First, it costs the person receiving it.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: When you withhold honest feedback from someone who is underperforming, who's missing the mark, or moving in a problematic direction, you're allowing them to continue operating on false information.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: They think things are fine, or fine enough.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: They may be investing energy in the wrong direction, building habits that will limit their career, or repeating a pattern that will eventually cost them the job anyway.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: At a point when the problem is much harder to fix than it would have been six months ago.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: The leader who delivers honest feedback early is not being harsh.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: They are giving that person the best possible chance to course correct while course correcting is still relatively easy.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Second, it costs the team.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone around an underperformer knows what's happening.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: They see the missed deadlines, the drop balls, and the standard that isn't being held.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: When the leader says nothing, the team draws a conclusion.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Either the leader doesn't see it or the leader isn't willing to act on it.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Either conclusion erodes confidence.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: High performers in particular are sensitive to this.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: They are carrying more than their share and they know it, and they are watching to see whether you will address it.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, some of them will quietly update their assessment of the organization's standards, and some of them will leave.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And third, it costs you.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Leaders who avoid difficult conversations accumulate them.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: The problems compound.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship tension grows.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And the moment when feedback could have been a development, it hardens into a moment when feedback is disciplinary.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: What could have been a five-minute conversation becomes a formal performance management process.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidance that felt merciful at the beginning has made everything harder by the end.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Difficult feedback, delivered well and at the right time, is one of the highest value things a leader can give.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Most leaders know this, very few do it consistently.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to talk about why and how.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see what Scripture says.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: In Proverbs 27, verses 5 through 6, it says this better is open rebuke than hidden love.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of Solomon's most counterintuitive observations, and it becomes more uncomfortable the longer you sit with it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Open rebuke is better than hidden love.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: The word translated rebuke here means to correct someone.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a direct confrontation of what is wrong.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And Solomon says it's it's better than hidden love.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Better than the affection that stays quiet because speaking would be uncomfortable.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Better than the care that doesn't act because acting is costly.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Verse 6 makes it even more specific.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: The word translated faithful means to be reliable or steady.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: The friend who tells you the truth is being trustworthy even when the truth wounds.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: By contrast, profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is excessive, it's overwhelming, re relentless affirmation.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: The person who is always affirming you, always agreeable, never bringing correction, Solomon says, that person is functioning like an enemy.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not because their affection isn't genuine, but because their silence about what you need to hear is working against you.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: For the business leader, this reframes the entire emotional equation.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: The feedback conversation you have been avoiding because you didn't want to wound someone.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Solomon says, the wound, delivered faithfully, is the mark of a trustworthy friend.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: The ongoing silence is the thing that is actually working against the person you're trying to protect.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Turn with me to Ephesians chapter four, verse fifteen.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And Paul writes this, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Paul's instruction here is often quoted and less often understood.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: The phrase speaking the truth in love has become so familiar that it's lost some of its precision.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Paul is not describing a tone of voice.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: He is describing a posture of relationship.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: The Greek verb is actually a participle that can be translated truthing or living truthfully.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is broader than verbal communication.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: It describes a way of being with someone that is characterized by honesty as a baseline.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it is inseparable from love, not as a modifier that softens the truth, but as the motive that makes the truth worth delivering.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Paul's standard is not say hard things gently, although that's good advice.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: His standard is your honesty should be an expression of genuine care for the person's growth.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is not that they feel comfortable.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is that they grow up.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: The phrase grow up in every way is the key.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Paul is describing a developmental relationship, not a transactional one.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: The leader who withholds truth is not protecting the relationship.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: They are preventing the development that the relationship is supposed to be producing.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ephesians 4 15 is a mandate not just for how you deliver hard news, but why?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because you genuinely want the person in front of you to grow, and you are not willing to sacrifice their growth for your own comfort.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, turn with me to Galatians chapter 6, verse 1.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It says this, brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Keep watch on yourself lest you too be tempted.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Paul uses the word restore.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same word used in Matthew chapter 4, verse 21 for mending nets.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: It describes careful, skilled repair.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: It takes something that is broken or is out of alignment, and it brings it back to full function.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is the image Paul wants the Galatians to hold on to when they confront someone who has gone wrong.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not judgment, not distance, not a demonstration of their own superiority, but skilled, patient repair work.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Restoration is the goal.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: The phrase in a spirit of gentleness specifies the manner.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now this doesn't mean soft or weak.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: In the ancient world it described the quality of a trained horse.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's strength under control, power directed with precision.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Gentleness in this sense is not an absence of force.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: It is a disciplined deployment of it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: The feedback conversation conducted in the spirit is not timid, it is direct, honest, and deliver with enough care for the person that they can actually receive what you're saying.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And Paul adds a crucial final instruction.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Keep watch on yourself lest you too be tempted.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Before you go into the hard conversation, check your own posture.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Are you coming as someone who genuinely wants restoration?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you coming to vent, to protect yourself, or even to make a point?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: The spirit you bring into the room will determine whether the conversation produces repair or further damage.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to tell you about two versions of the same conversation.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: A project manager that we'll call Kevin has been missing deadlines consistently for about four months.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: The pattern is real, and the team is feeling it.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: His manager has been telling herself she's leaving him time to settle in, but she knows that's not really it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: She's been avoiding the conversation because Kevin is a good person.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: He works hard, and she doesn't want to damage his confidence.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: In version one, she keeps waiting.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Month five, month six.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And now her team's frustration is audible.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: One of her strongest people, who's been quietly absorbing Kevin's miss handoffs, raises the issue with her directly.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: He says, I don't think you're seeing what this is costing the team.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: She initiates the conversation with Kevin, but now it's no longer developmental, it's disciplinary.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now Kevin, he's blindsided, because in the absence of feedback, he had been operating on the assumption that things were roughly okay.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: The conversation that could have helped him six months ago now feels like an ambush.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't trust it.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: He becomes defensive.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship is damaged, and the strong performer is now two weeks handing in her notice.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: In version two, the manager has a conversation in month two.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: She sits down with Kevin and says, I want to talk to you about something that I've been observing because I think you're capable of more than the last few months have shown, and I don't want this to wait until it becomes a bigger problem.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I'm seeing.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: She then goes into specific instances.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: She's direct.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: She is clearly coming from a place of investment rather than frustration.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Kevin is uncomfortable, and feedback sometimes is uncomfortable, but he's not blindsided.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: He comes away from the conversation knowing exactly what needs to change and confident that his manager believes he can change it.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And he does.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: By month four, he's one of the more reliable members on the team.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: The only difference between these two outcomes is timing and courage.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: The faithful wound, delivered early, is better than the hidden love that eventually becomes an expensive silence.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: So what can we do about it?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have two applications for you.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: One, name the conversation you've been avoiding and schedule it this week.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not soon, but this week.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Look at your calendar right now, or as soon as this episode ends, and put a specific time on it.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: The longer the conversation stays unscheduled, the more reasons you'll find to keep deferring it.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Before you go in, do the Galatians 6 posture check.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, am I coming to restore or am I coming to vent?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Am I coming because I genuinely want this person to grow?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or because I need to relieve my own discomfort about the situation?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: If the honest answer is the second one, in either case, take a day and come back to it.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: The spirit you bring into the room shapes everything that happens in it.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the other action step you can take.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Prepare the feedback using the Ephesians 4.15 frame.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Specific, true, and aimed at growth.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Write it down before you deliver it.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And here's three things.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: What specifically did you observe?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: What is the impact?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you want to be true going forward?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing like your attitude has been bad.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's not specific.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Not you need to improve your communication.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's not actionable.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Say something like in the last three team meetings, I noticed you don't speak until I call on you directly.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: The rest of the team is missing your perspective.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: I want to understand what's going on, and I want to figure out together how we can change that pattern.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's specific and true, and it's aimed at development, not punishment.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: The person receiving it knows exactly what you observed, why it matters, and that you believe they're capable of something different.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: That is speaking the truth in love.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: This gives the person something to work with.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say something to the leader who's been carrying a difficult conversation for a long time.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: The what you feel is not a sign that you shouldn't have the conversation.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sign that you care about the person.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: That care is not a liability.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's the thing that will make the conversation worth having.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: The leader who doesn't care delivers feedback carelessly, and it lands as damage.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: The leader who cares has everything they need to do this well.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Solomon said that faithful wounds come from a friend.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: You are not the enemy of the person you need to speak honestly to.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: You may be, if you do this right, one of the most important voices in their professional development.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: The courage to say the hard thing in the right spirit, at the right time, and aimed at their growth is one of the most genuinely generous things one person can do for another.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You have what you need and schedule that conversation.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Let me pray for you.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Father, I pray for every leader listening right now who has a conversation waiting.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: One they've been circling around because they care about the person and they're afraid of getting it wrong.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Give them the courage of a faithful friend.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Give them the precision of a mender of nets.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Give them the willingness to speak truth, not because it's required of them, but because they genuinely want the person in front of them to grow.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And give them the humility to check their own posture before they walk in the room.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: May the conversation they have this week produce restoration and not damage.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' name, amen.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you for joining me again for another episode of Profit and Principle.
• 15:59
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• 16:06
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• 16:10
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• 16:12
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• 16:14
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• 16:18
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• 16:23
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• 16:27
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• 16:30
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• 16:40
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