Latest / After Maghrib 🌙 / Islamic Dating? Muslim Talking Stages

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Islamic Dating? Muslim Talking Stages · After Maghrib 🌙

• 0:00
  Salaam Alaikum and welcome back to the late night buzz, the
• 0:03
  aftermath of podcast with myself and my day for tonight, my Co
• 0:06
  host Ahmed Abbas Gokul. And before I go to my dates,
• 0:11
  I'll ask you a question you might find yourself dating
• 0:14
  You're Muslim and you're asking yourself this question.
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  Or can I date before marriage? Can I embrace the culture of
• 0:20
  Western dating before you know, finding my spouse and a way to
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  get to know her? There's 101 questions we want to
• 0:27
  discuss tonight, and I'm sure Ahmed has all the answers for
• 0:30
  us, as usual. Like every week.
• 0:32
  I'm not even going to rush it. I'm not even going to propose.
• 0:35
  I'm not even going to do anything.
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  All I'm going to say is Ahmed Salawadi.
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  I don't know if I'm flattered or how to feel really.
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  So you're my date, Yeah, but I'm not going to propose.
• 0:55
  OK, fine. All right, Well, last week, last
• 0:58
  week, you were talking about the rainbow mafia.
• 1:01
  Today we're on a the alphabet mafia, the alphabet mafia, I
• 1:03
  said. But they.
• 1:04
  Did ruin the rainbow. Yeah, my last Sofia.
• 1:06
  How you doing said. I'm not going to lie, I'm super
• 1:10
  tired. Yeah, I'm like, proper, proper
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  table. It's been a long day and it's
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  been a long night from the night before.
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  But now that I'm here, I'm alive.
• 1:19
  You can turn the lights off. I'm doing a lot.
• 1:21
  I just need to listen to you. The late night buzz.
• 1:23
  Late night Buzz. That's what it's all about.
• 1:24
  It's. Been it's been a crazy week I
• 1:27
  had. I had a mixed day as well.
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  I had some really really good news from a member of my family,
• 1:34
  somebody and at the same time I also had some sad news and I
• 1:41
  don't know kind of dampen the mood but I just want to pay
• 1:43
  tribute and offer condolences from Arthur Mahmudab to the
• 1:48
  family of Marhoma Bass Bandali, who's a member of our community
• 1:51
  who sadly and tragically passed away.
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  He's been suffering from cancer for the better part of last two
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  years and he was in Dubai and he travelled to Dubai this this
• 2:01
  festive period for the games, the sports games which take
• 2:05
  place out there and unfortunately he was taken into
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  hospital and and unfortunately he lost his life and he's
• 2:11
  transitioned into the next phase into the year after.
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  So we offer condos especially. I just want to give a special
• 2:19
  mention to our dear friend Hossein Bandali, who is
• 2:22
  obviously he's been on the. Podcast he's a friend of.
• 2:23
  The podcast and his family as well.
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  So yeah, it's a sad time man. It's it's you know when you get
• 2:30
  mixed emotions and you, you feel different ways, but this is the
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  journey of life. It is and I think it's only fair
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  that we all collectively on his behalf of.
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  I sense, thank you everyone at home for helping us and for
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  being patient with us. Yeah, we're a community.
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  We always have been. We like to, we like to kind of
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  do whatever we can and and to you know support those around us
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  and also to remember those who have lost their lives for
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  whichever reason. But also whilst we are having
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  this conversation, we we wanted to address a question like you
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  said, things which have come up a lot, a lot like one of the
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  most commonly requested topics, right, in terms of dating.
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  So I think it's it's one of those things we haven't, I'm
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  surprised we haven't gone into it.
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  We've had similar conversations in the past about red flags and
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  stuff like that, but this is quite a unique concept.
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  But I don't even know how you describe the word dating.
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  I think before we even get into the discussion today, I think
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  let's sort of understand what it is we want to discuss today.
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  We asked a question early on on Instagram and we said, you know,
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  we bring up the subject to our audience.
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  We said Muslims and dating. We said we want your genuine
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  thoughts. So we made like a poll and we
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  gave three options. You know your genuine thoughts
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  on Muslims and dating. Haram.
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  Stay away. Only if it's halal or you know,
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  Muslims can date. Yeah.
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  And it's someone's surprise. You know, can Muslims actually
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  date? So 43% said Haram stay away from
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  dating. 46% said only if it's halal, which is very interesting
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  here. 11% said Muslims can date from the question mark.
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  Interesting. So that's like so you've got
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  almost a tie between Haram stay away and others saying only this
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  halal. There's only like a two
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  percentage difference. So the tricky, the tricky thing
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  with this is, yeah, like the question then becomes like
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  there's the, the social element of halal dating and then there's
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  the calm element of halal dating.
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  Yeah. So we just put our disclaimer
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  out there that we are not scholars and you refer to your
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  Moraja and you, whatever your Moraja say you can and can't do
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  in terms of Maharam and no Maharam that's.
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  Just post your disclaimer. I just want to mention one
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  comment that someone contributed and then you can carry on.
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  Yeah, so this person mentioned is dating the same idea of
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  getting to know each other for a defined period of time before
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  gets picked up. So gets picked up is basically
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  the nika, the athid, the actual marriage, the Islamic marriage
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  that takes place. But isn't Doesn't that come?
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  Doesn't that come back to you're near your intentions?
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  So when you are quote, UN quote dating.
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  So the problem is that word is so conflated in this day and
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  age, the society we live in because we've grown up hearing
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  on TV, in pop culture, in schools, or these two are dating
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  on TV, they'll have couples on different shows who are dating
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  and then you'll watch a show on TV.
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  Yeah, I don't know, like friends.
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  Yeah, like a mainstream comedy show.
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  I don't watch that, but yeah. But you know what I mean.
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  Just something a show. That, you know, people watch.
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  In society and you know you'll have a couple dating and then
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  they break up and then they have a new like a new boyfriend or
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  girlfriend and then they break up and they go back to the 1st.
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  And it's a culture. Yeah.
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  So the culture of dating in society is, is in itself needs
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  to be understood and that culture, the western culture of
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  dating Islamically is Haram. And he like does not work.
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  Not compatible whatsoever. A-Z of what the western culture
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  allows for dating or getting to know one another.
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  It's not allowed because in western culture dating is
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  trivial. It's frivolous, like there's no
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  end goal one would imagine, right?
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  The mass majority of people are dating just because of boredom
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  or because of to fulfil desires or because of just they like the
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  company of someone, so then they might as well have a
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  relationship with them. Whereas in the Islamic sphere,
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  if you wanted to get to know someone there has there's
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  conditions and rules. We'll get into that and then
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  there's got to be the NIA, the NIA in, in, in the kind of the
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  not even the majority in all cases should be for the
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  intention of marriage. Do you know what I'm saying?
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  So like that's got to be made clear.
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  Halal dating, if you want to call it dating, has to be for
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  the intention to get to know someone.
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  That's the halal element and then we can talk about the
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  dating element as well. Do you know what I mean?
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  So that that's what I want to add kind of before we get into
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  it. No.
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  And I think it's very valid that you mentioned all of that
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  because there is a clear difference between the Western
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  on Islamic dating culture compared to how we get to know
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  one another leading up to marriage.
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  Inshallah for us we don't call it dating, as in I know every
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  country calls us something else, but like in the Arab world we
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  call it the the period of Khatoba.
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  Speaking. Khatoba's like, you know, I'm
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  going to speak Iraqi here, but basically you go ask for
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  someone's hand and before you do any, before you do any Nikka,
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  before you actually get, you know, an Islamic engagement, you
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  actually do. You know, how can I say it?
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  Like dialogue? The thing is, not everyone does
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  this. Some people do this temporary
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  marriage where you can get to know one another and speak.
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  Some people don't. They stay.
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  They think it's like the worst thing for them to ever give
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  their daughter the right way to get to know someone by allowing
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  this primary to take place during the Khatuba period.
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  But mainly in the Arab world, this is what happens.
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  So there isn't this like dating culture where you know, I get to
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  know you without the parents involved or I get to know you
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  without, you know, family or community members are aware.
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  Like even when there is Khatuba, they let people know.
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  So for example, your family knows, your relatives know, some
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  members of your community know because last time Allah, one day
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  you go out and they seize both of you together in a public
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  place. Let me just make that they're
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  going to say what has it been high, you've been a flan doing
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  by themselves, for example. That's why it's important to be
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  in public as the certain rules will get into it.
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  But that's the difference between like the Western dating
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  culture and the Islamic dating culture.
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  So there is no halal dating, but it just depends how you define
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  the word dating. Getting to know is not the same
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  as western dating because brawl, this Hollywood fantasy of
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  dating. OK, so it's not a reality let.
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  Me ask you? Yeah, go on because.
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  We'll talk about it. So guys, if you are looking to
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  get married, if you are not there yet, but you know in the
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  coming years you're going to look to get married, or if
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  you've unfortunately recently had a divorce, if you're a
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  recent widow, then this is a relevant conversation for you.
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  But as of right now, I want to ask you why?
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  What is wrong with the Western dating culture?
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  OK, now let's take kind of take a breath because we we are not
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  as a community all infallible. So there will be people in the
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  community who are in university or in school or maybe further
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  away from the Dean that you know they and they're conscious about
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  it, but maybe who are in a casual relationship, they're
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  speaking to a girl or to a boy, maybe for an extended period of
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  time. Maybe they're meeting them for
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  an extended period of time. Maybe they're more advanced than
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  that. So maybe they're physical.
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  Maybe they are in an open relationship where their friends
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  know about it. They'll go out in groups.
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  They might say, yeah, but I'm young, it's not that serious.
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  We're not into it that much. What is wrong with that?
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  What's the risks there? OK, so we know there's the hijab
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  and there's that. Can't.
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  There's 101 things that can go wrong there.
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  Bullet point. Them for me, I don't know if I
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  can bullet point them but I can say for example like in the
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  western culture this whole dating thing is having a
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  boyfriend or having a girlfriend outside of marriage.
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  And once you have a relationship with this boyfriend or
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  girlfriend everything is normal, everything is fine, everything
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  that is Haram nais of Allah, subhanahu matala is normal in
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  the western Asian culture. So firstly that goes against our
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  belief. If we you know believe in Laila
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  Lalam Hamad Rasul Allah, everything that's part of the
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  western dating culture goes against our our beliefs.
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  If Allah tells you for example you cannot speak with the
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  opposite gender outside of marriage or having a
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  relationship, If I can say it, having a relationship with the
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  opposite gender outside of marriage, even the same gender.
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  Just to make it clear, yeah you, you, you it's Haram.
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  You know you're transgressing on the on the Lords of Allahs of
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  Hanamat Allah so. Someone might look, let's be
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  real because someone might say OK fine, I know that, yeah, I
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  know that. I know that listen to music is
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  Haram. I know that lying is Haram.
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  Doesn't mean I don't do it. Doesn't mean I't mean I'm proud
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  of it. It doesn't mean I don't do it.
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  So but what explanation can we give?
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  Because, look, the way I see it is like, if we were to
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  deconstruct it. Yeah.
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  So we say, why is Western dating wrong?
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  OK, fine. That's a valid question.
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  So of course it's it's equal with the lives of the last.
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  The Western dating culture is more towards lust.
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  Yeah. Rather than love, family
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  relationship, children, offspring, you know, all these
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  things that we wish to have in our spouses is non existent in a
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  girlfriend, boyfriend relationship.
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  It doesn't exist. All that exists is, is, is
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  things that go against a loss upon Utah.
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  And for example, lust is a huge disease and it's something has
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  become normalized. And if we have Muslims watching,
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  I don't know, keeping up with the Kardashians and we have
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  Muslims now watching, I've seen on Netflix the wide bling and
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  things like this, if we look up to them, we're going to be
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  easily, easily deceived to think this is the norm.
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  This is what our relationship truly is.
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  When I lost the final was, Allah tells us it's otherwise, it's
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  otherwise. So there is that danger where we
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  can, you know, lose what it is to be in a relationship in a
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  marriage, because marriage is more than just having a
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  relationship with with with your husband or with your wife.
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  You understand. It's about that family bond.
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  It's about building. How can I say it, Ahmed?
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  I know what you mean. The nuclear family core values
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  that it should exist. Because when, when, when you
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  don't have that commitment like a marriage.
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  So your marriage is a commitment like marriage is like a
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  inshallah a lifetime contract. At the end of the day, it's a
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  hacker. It's a contract between you and
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  your misses or your misses and your husband and a last one or
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  to Allah has blessed that marriage if you take his path
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  towards that relationship. Inshallah.
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  So there's a huge difference between relationships within
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  Islam and relationships. I agree.
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  I agree. Yeah.
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  Also when you when you talk about Western dating, yeah,
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  Western dating. The Western dating culture
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  emasculates men, so you lose your masculinity by dating in a
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  Western fashion. What do I mean by this?
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  When you engage in a relationship with a girl that's
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  non committal or committal to a certain degree, you're committed
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  but not fully. Committed.
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  There is no commitment, Ahmed. Right.
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  But in your mind, you're you're committed to a certain degree,
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  like, oh, she's my girlfriend. We're not committed to the point
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  where I'll put a ring on the finger, but we're committed to
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  the point where we'll say, yeah, I'm seeing someone, but I won't
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  see someone else. But I'm not seeing them to the
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  point where I'm ready to make a commitment to start a family
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  with them, to tie a marriage contract together.
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  Unless there's like an accidental pregnancy on the way.
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  Yeah, well, shall I not? But like, it emasculates you.
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  You might be a good man who's seeing a girl.
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  You might be a good man. Doesn't mean you're good at
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  being a man. You know, we've talked about
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  this off cameras. Yeah.
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  You might be a good man doesn't mean you're good at being a man.
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  Because if you're good at being a man, you'll understand the
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  value of a woman. You'll understand the value of
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  the the the role of a mother, that the girl you're speaking to
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  will most probably one day be someone else's wife, someone
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  else's mother, and is currently someone's daughter.
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  And the value that you give to that woman should be respected.
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  At the same time, it kind of plays on your reader as a man,
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  like your reader is put at risk. You don't value the hijab of a
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  sister the way you should value it because you've experienced
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  it. You've you've, you've, you've
• 15:00
  got in deep, you've understood female emotions.
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  You've understood the feminine side of women that should really
• 15:06
  not be exposed to to someone who's not Madam to them at all,
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  and that should be kept reserved for your your spouse.
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  Do you know what I mean? So look, that these are all.
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  I think maybe some people will wholeheartedly disagree with
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  that, but I truly believe that the Western dating culture is
• 15:21
  detrimental because it messes with your head as a guy, it's.
• 15:23
  Dangerous. Also, kind of just off topic,
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  someone said to me a couple of days ago, which I found really
• 15:28
  interesting, they said that music has a correlation when it
• 15:35
  comes to to this topic. I was like how they're like
• 15:38
  because if you're a guy and you listen to music heavily, you are
• 15:42
  more likely to end up in an illicit relationship with a
• 15:45
  girl. And if you're a sister who
• 15:48
  listens to music heavily, you are more likely to distance
• 15:51
  yourself from hijab, physical and social.
• 15:54
  OK, I was thinking about that. I was like, how does that make?
• 15:56
  OK fine. And it kind of makes sense,
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  because when you listen to music, you feel rage, you feel
• 16:03
  lost, you feel rebelliousness, you feel distraction, You feel a
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  million different things that will take you away from alas pan
• 16:13
  to Allah and just generally from social interactions.
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  Because you're on such an adrenaline.
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  You're on a hormonal adrenaline at all times when you're
• 16:21
  addicted to music that it will take you away from the reality
• 16:25
  of life. So even when it comes to
• 16:27
  relationships, you will have not just in terms of the music
• 16:30
  videos and the lyrics of musics, which in itself are completely
• 16:34
  immoral and like devalued relationships and the opposite
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  gender entirely, but even just the the, the, the adrenaline
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  that comes from music, the B and the the, the rhythm and all of
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  that stuff is distracting in its nature.
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  I know it's slightly off topic it.
• 16:48
  Goes hand in hand. But I think that it's it's a
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  lifestyle that you're it. Goes hand in hand if you're
• 16:52
  Muslim. Yeah, it does.
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  It does. Like you'll live.
• 16:55
  You want to live a lifestyle where you're worthy to to just,
• 16:58
  you know, be alongside someone and be their man.
• 17:00
  And of course, of course. And I, and I think it's also
• 17:02
  important to mention that when when I said, you know, there's
• 17:08
  no real commitment in a girlfriend boyfriend
• 17:10
  relationship, that definitely truly isn't.
• 17:12
  You know why? Because when you get married, a
• 17:16
  lot of panel atalla See, he he gives you rights and he gives
• 17:20
  your spouse rights. So the wife has rights and the
• 17:23
  husband has rights, The children has rights.
• 17:26
  Your in laws has rights. Everyone has rights.
• 17:28
  There's like, you know what you can do, what you can't do, what
• 17:31
  makes the marriage better, what's more beneficial for the
• 17:33
  husband? What's more beneficial for the
• 17:34
  wife? What's best for the children.
• 17:36
  There's like an entire you know a tool guide, a guidebook that
• 17:41
  tells you how to live the best life, how to re raise the best
• 17:45
  of families, you know how to be the best with your spouse, best
• 17:48
  with your wife for example. But when it comes to like this
• 17:50
  boyfriend girlfriend, western dating culture that that is non
• 17:53
  existent. The only thing that exists is
• 17:56
  how Peng is my girlfriend. Or for the guys, you know how
• 18:03
  sorry, say something about how much people I've slept around
• 18:05
  with. Well, back in my school days,
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  99% of the boys, all they talk about is who's who's, their
• 18:12
  girlfriend, how much people they've been with and they
• 18:16
  already have a girlfriend and they're already cheating with
• 18:18
  someone else. So there's no like long term,
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  you know, goal of and. And bro, you develop.
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  Family. Or you develop characteristics
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  of deceit, of cheating, of disloyalty.
• 18:30
  Like you're talking about like when you're from school days
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  you're you're surrounded by people and you're one of those
• 18:35
  people maybe who are in relationships and you can
• 18:38
  frivolously cut them off or maybe cheat or maybe speak to
• 18:42
  another girl while you're speaking to one girl in your
• 18:45
  mind you're like, yeah that's OK because I can move on and she
• 18:48
  can move on and we can get on with our lives.
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  So you devalue marriage from what it should be and it becomes
• 18:54
  like something optional firstly and then even if you engage in
• 18:57
  it, it becomes something that's. Yeah, it's OK, it's breakable.
• 19:01
  Do you know what I mean? And we know, of course, that
• 19:02
  breaking marriage is the the least liked halal act by alas,
• 19:08
  Allah, non-stop like that. It's full stop.
• 19:11
  That's undisputed. That's like a case closed.
• 19:14
  I want to ask you because I know there's there's like so much to
• 19:17
  talk about. Yeah.
• 19:19
  So a lot of people turn around. You know, I had a story last
• 19:23
  week. One of my friends told me he's
• 19:25
  like, I was like, we're talking about his family heritage.
• 19:29
  He's telling me how his dad may Allah bless his dad who's an
• 19:33
  island, his dad how his dad met his mother.
• 19:36
  OK, he said My dad's family were travelling, travelling through
• 19:40
  different countries, studying, teaching, engaging with
• 19:43
  communities and one day they were in a certain country.
• 19:45
  I don't want to say which country might give it away, but
• 19:48
  they were in a certain country and they passed through a
• 19:50
  certain village and they met a certain family and they sat
• 19:53
  down. They were hosted by them and
• 19:55
  that family said we have a daughter, are you interested?
• 19:59
  So he said, yeah, but spell up and like that it was done.
• 20:03
  So today's day and age people think, wow, how can you get
• 20:07
  married on the spot like that? Or how can you just choose your
• 20:09
  wife like that, right? Surely you have to get to know
• 20:12
  someone. You want to stay for a house.
• 20:14
  You want to talk about education, You want to talk
• 20:16
  about community involvement, you want to talk about preparing for
• 20:18
  the imam, You want to talk about majalis, hijab, all of these
• 20:21
  different concepts and notions that go into our decision making
• 20:24
  on a day-to-day basis. How can I get to know someone
• 20:27
  just by asking one or two questions?
• 20:31
  Surely I have to get to know someone over an extended period
• 20:33
  of time. I want to ask you, firstly, is
• 20:36
  it OK to get to know someone or what does that look like?
• 20:38
  And two, how long or what are the?
• 20:41
  What's the environment which you can get to know someone within?
• 20:46
  You know, just your first question.
• 20:48
  Can you phrase in a different way?
• 20:51
  How to? Is it OK to get to know someone?
• 20:53
  Yeah, So what do you mean by that?
• 20:54
  And you, for example, is there parameters within Islam which
• 20:58
  allow us to get to know the opposite gender with the
• 21:02
  intention to get married? And how should that be done?
• 21:05
  So there might be a brother or sister who's 20 years old right
• 21:07
  now. Yeah, they're thinking, I know
• 21:09
  I'm approaching the age of marriage.
• 21:11
  There's guys or girls in my university who I like.
• 21:14
  Yeah. How do I even approach it?
• 21:16
  Where do I begin and what what are the do's and don'ts?
• 21:22
  That's a big responsibility you've given me here, Ahmed.
• 21:24
  There's a reason I asked you bro, before you can ask me.
• 21:27
  Trust me, I'm, I'm no, I'm no scholar.
• 21:29
  Yeah, I I, I, I even like. If there is any advice here
• 21:33
  that's given, I give it to myself.
• 21:34
  First married man. You're a father of two girls.
• 21:36
  Hamdullah. So think of it like.
• 21:38
  That you're married as well and you got two children Hamdullah.
• 21:40
  Yeah, we Allah bless them habibi.
• 21:43
  And we have lots of single people behind the scenes.
• 21:46
  We Allah Graham, normal wife and Sharla.
• 21:49
  I mean, the real side house I mean, I mean.
• 21:52
  I mean, I mean. Look as she gives me pepes.
• 21:57
  Yeah. Or she could see the Pepes say.
• 22:00
  It's going to get destroyed after.
• 22:02
  This OK, where do you begin is a huge, huge, huge question,
• 22:07
  Ahmed. I think it begins with yourself.
• 22:10
  I think the moment you start to realise you have an attraction
• 22:15
  towards the opposite gender, you should start thinking about your
• 22:19
  path of marriage. At the age of 13.
• 22:21
  Of course. Right, OK.
• 22:24
  Bro, you know, when we were young, me and my friends, Bro,
• 22:28
  when we were young, we used to discuss, imagine getting married
• 22:31
  to this sort of individual, raising this sort of family.
• 22:34
  And bro, I think, well, I think we were like 12/13/14 maybe
• 22:36
  we're not even that old, young, very, very young.
• 22:39
  So that was the conversations we were having.
• 22:40
  There's no, there's no harm in having those conversations.
• 22:43
  But that's how you have to program your way.
• 22:45
  I'm not saying I'm special in that sense.
• 22:46
  I know it's very difficult for a lot of people but Hamdullah, for
• 22:49
  me it wasn't that difficult school.
• 22:50
  Yeah, I I already programmed myself my head of his marriage
• 22:53
  and you know that's what God wants from us and that's why I
• 22:56
  want as well from this life. So the moment you start to have
• 22:58
  like let's say attraction towards the opposite gender,
• 23:01
  you'll know. This year at school we all go to
• 23:03
  mixed schools. Living in the West it's
• 23:04
  impossible to be like in a all boy school or only girl school.
• 23:08
  And then, you know, you have this, for example, prom culture
• 23:12
  where the school sort of, like puts pressure on you that you
• 23:15
  need to come with a boyfriend or girlfriend and yeah, come with a
• 23:19
  date to the prom. And then everyone celebrates you
• 23:22
  being together and you show off in front of your friends.
• 23:25
  All of this are being programmed inside you.
• 23:27
  So a lot of youth, a lot of teenagers, that's the first
• 23:31
  thing they wake up to is this Western dating culture of
• 23:33
  boyfriend, girlfriend, OK. So from a very, very young age,
• 23:37
  you cannot say you are not. We need to change the way we we
• 23:41
  take. That so you have to change the
• 23:42
  way you see things. OK, so that's like one point.
• 23:46
  The second point is when you have interactions with the
• 23:49
  opposite gender, how you have those interactions is is either
• 23:53
  going to take you to towards gender or towards Hellfire.
• 23:56
  Is is very simple any your interactions have to be within
• 24:02
  reason. What are you talking about?
• 24:06
  What is the purpose of that conversation?
• 24:09
  Why are you having a conversation with Anan Mahram in
• 24:11
  the 1st place? OK, so before I'm talking about,
• 24:14
  you know, how can I have a conversation with someone who
• 24:16
  whom I wish to marry for example, is how you are will
• 24:21
  shape how you are leading on to marriage?
• 24:23
  So if everything's OK for you from day one, it doesn't.
• 24:27
  You don't care if you end up marrying.
• 24:29
  I don't know, Jessica and Jesse at the end of the day.
• 24:32
  And if we call ourselves Ali, Ahmed, Fatima, Zahra, all these
• 24:35
  people, bro, we want to marry those sort of individuals who
• 24:38
  respect the names that they've been given.
• 24:40
  Because we look up to these individuals as Muslims.
• 24:43
  That's the things we want. Because if we, if we just want
• 24:46
  to have a relationship and a conversation with every time
• 24:48
  they can hurry and every Jessica, Mary and whatever
• 24:51
  they're called, that's not going to help you in the path of
• 24:54
  marriage. Dating is going to become very
• 24:56
  normal to you. Relationships outside of what is
• 24:59
  allowed is going to be very normal to you and all of these
• 25:02
  things is going to hinder your progress.
• 25:03
  And having a correct proper Islamic marriage leaving up
• 25:06
  Jonica, basically. So that's like I think 2
• 25:09
  scenarios if we said that on a foundational level here.
• 25:13
  But what's important is that let's say you find someone I
• 25:15
  don't know. You can be 17, you can be 16,
• 25:17
  you can be 18. You would know when you're ready
• 25:19
  for marriage. Believe me, your mum won't know.
• 25:23
  Yeah. Your dad won't know.
• 25:25
  With this, but I also disagree. Your friends won't know, but you
• 25:27
  would. Know because you would know if
• 25:29
  you're ready for marriage, but you You'll know if you're ready.
• 25:32
  You'll know if you're ready for an element of marriage.
• 25:35
  What is that element? You'll, you'll, you'll, you'll
• 25:38
  know if you're ready to to to be with someone.
• 25:42
  Do you know what I mean? Or you know if you have the
• 25:44
  desire to be with someone, it doesn't mean you're ready for
• 25:46
  marriage, OK? This is my opinion, OK?
• 25:51
  I would know if I had this 18 year old brother.
• 25:53
  If he's ready for marriage in ways better than him.
• 25:56
  You know, because I'm married. But there'll be at times where
• 26:00
  he'll say no, no, Ahmed, I know I'm ready for marriage.
• 26:02
  Brother, you're ready to find a girl or you're ready to be with
• 26:05
  a girl. You're ready to commit to a
• 26:07
  girl. Me.
• 26:08
  Khalif. No problem.
• 26:10
  Yeah, that's absolutely fine. But Are you ready for marriage?
• 26:13
  Is a different question. Are you prepared to to finance?
• 26:18
  Are you prepared to save? Are you prepared to invest?
• 26:20
  Are you prepared to be financially responsible for the
• 26:23
  opposite gender or for your wife, like for for for life?
• 26:26
  Yeah. OK, so now you now you know
• 26:27
  you're ready for marriage. Yeah.
• 26:28
  OK. So let's say you are ready.
• 26:30
  So let's say you're ready. Final.
• 26:31
  Let's say you're 18. Let's say, OK, fine, you're 18
• 26:34
  or even you're 28. But like point being, no, we've
• 26:37
  got a different number, difference of opinion here.
• 26:38
  But I feel like you there, there has to be.
• 26:40
  You know, I used to think when I was younger, I was like, yeah,
• 26:44
  18. Yeah, I agree with that.
• 26:45
  And I still believe getting married as young as humanly
• 26:47
  possible should be. Done.
• 26:48
  Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of advantage,
• 26:50
  encouraged, a lot of advantages. But at the same time, we have to
• 26:54
  be conscious of this world we live in that a not everyone is
• 26:57
  around people. They can marry.
• 27:00
  You know, like we're in London or we're in Northwest London,
• 27:03
  yeah. Yeah, but these things are
• 27:04
  secondary. Ahmed, we're talking about the
• 27:06
  primary things here. No, no, no.
• 27:07
  You're asking how would you know you're ready for marriage?
• 27:09
  I'm telling you no. Yeah, you would.
• 27:12
  No, but you won't. So once you're not, no trust.
• 27:14
  Me, you would know. So once you know and you know
• 27:16
  that you are and and people around you feel that you they
• 27:19
  that you're ready as well. Yeah.
• 27:21
  So do you see what I mean? Because you might feel I'm
• 27:23
  ready. La, la, la, la.
• 27:25
  I might feel I'm ready. Let me talk.
• 27:26
  But my parents might say how much you're not ready.
• 27:28
  So let me get to the point. So let's say you're 18.
• 27:31
  Yeah, You think. You think Now you're ready for
• 27:33
  marriage. You feel it.
• 27:34
  I know it. It's it's destined for me.
• 27:36
  I need to find the wife, for example, or the wife.
• 27:39
  I want to find the husband. Go to your family, Have a
• 27:42
  conversation with Mama. Have a conversation with Mama.
• 27:46
  The problem is these days, the children, our young youth, I'm
• 27:52
  not having combos with their parents.
• 27:53
  Yes, I agree with this. They want to get married when
• 27:56
  they're 18/19/20, but they don't talk to Mum and Dad about it at
• 28:00
  all. Mum and Dad doesn't talk to them
• 28:01
  about. It don't know the gravity of
• 28:03
  marriage. They don't tell them what's
• 28:04
  their responsibilities. They don't tell them what to
• 28:07
  look out for. They don't tell them you know
• 28:09
  how to guide them into finding the right spouse.
• 28:12
  They don't guide them, for example, you know, you know.
• 28:15
  Do you want help in searching for a spouse?
• 28:18
  Yes, of course. Do you want us, you know, to
• 28:20
  speak? Friends, family, community.
• 28:22
  You maybe bring, you know your local Maulana involved, maybe
• 28:25
  there's families that do you want to get married drunk?
• 28:27
  You don't know but because you think you're ready for marriage
• 28:30
  and you're not telling your mum and dad about it.
• 28:33
  Yeah. All those feelings that's inside
• 28:35
  you, you're going to end up either committing Haram or
• 28:39
  you're never going to get married.
• 28:40
  Until it's too late. There has to be a channel which
• 28:43
  facilitates and encourages marriage.
• 28:45
  Like there should never be a a place in the community where
• 28:49
  someone feels I want to get married.
• 28:52
  I'm either being stopped or there's nowhere for me to look
• 28:55
  because even if you are in a remote area, so we're in London,
• 28:57
  there are people who are in, you know, the most remote states in
• 29:01
  the US or in Canada or even around the world.
• 29:04
  We've got listeners from from different parts of the world,
• 29:07
  you know, who may live in very small shade communities.
• 29:10
  They they sometimes will say I need to get married and I have
• 29:14
  no choice and the first person they meet might be from another
• 29:17
  mud hub. See, they say I need them to
• 29:19
  follow Islam. That keyword I need that means
• 29:21
  they know. Yeah.
• 29:22
  So at the point of knowing yeah so let's say they like you said
• 29:24
  let's say they know I'm when I say teenagers.
• 29:26
  I mean, like, sometimes I feel teenagers.
• 29:28
  I'm if. You're talking about like
• 29:29
  131415? No, I'll say it's.
• 29:31
  Not even that. Like I feel like sometimes an 18
• 29:33
  year old don't know about how life works, let alone how
• 29:36
  marriage works. Depends on the upbringing.
• 29:38
  It does 100%. But if I'm talking from personal
• 29:40
  experience, if I was 18, I told my parents I want to get
• 29:42
  married. So how much do you know the
• 29:44
  responsibilities that you have over your wife or that she has
• 29:47
  over you? The rights you have over her,
• 29:48
  she has over you. Do you need to know what you
• 29:50
  need to do for the day you do your Nikka and you say kabil tu?
• 29:55
  What happens? Like, you know, like what is
• 29:57
  then? Like, you know, you go home with
• 29:58
  the wife. Where's she going to sleep?
• 30:00
  What's she going to eat? Who's going to feed her?
• 30:02
  Where's she going to get the vegetables and the groceries,
• 30:04
  You know what I mean? Like, but a point aside.
• 30:06
  So let's say that's all good. Yeah, you're ready.
• 30:09
  You've got the savings, you're you have been vetted and checked
• 30:12
  and and people around you are encouraging you.
• 30:15
  The community needs to facilitate you.
• 30:16
  There should be matchmakers in the community, matchmakers who
• 30:19
  are confidential, who can keep secrets because they're dealing
• 30:22
  with very sensitive cases, widows, divorcees, perhaps even
• 30:26
  people have been searching for a long time, maybe people with
• 30:28
  disabilities, maybe people who are remote people around the
• 30:31
  world, family issues, stuff like that.
• 30:34
  At the same time there should be initiatives, so for example in a
• 30:39
  halal environment. So I'm not talking about speed
• 30:41
  dating and stuff, which I'm not saying is halal or Haram because
• 30:44
  I know there are communities that do that but maybe like a
• 30:47
  book club for example or or we talk about abstract events a lot
• 30:51
  and where inshallah we're going through one next week to stay
• 30:53
  tuned. But like in environment, whether
• 30:55
  it's an intellectual event, a university lecture, a book club,
• 30:58
  a social social gathering, which is halal and somewhat
• 31:01
  segregated, where a brother and a sister can get to know each
• 31:04
  other within the falls of Islam in a public space which is under
• 31:10
  the knowledge and the permission of their parents.
• 31:12
  Yeah. And with the intention to get
• 31:15
  married like that is very, very important.
• 31:18
  And at that stage, you can say this is a halal atmosphere for
• 31:24
  dating, if you want to call it that, no problem.
• 31:26
  Like that's OK, fine. I think there's more appropriate
• 31:29
  words than halal dating, Like you said, wasn't what you said
• 31:32
  Khatuba. Khatuba.
• 31:33
  Yeah. I mean, we say learn Arabic.
• 31:35
  An environment, a dialogue prior to the the the marriage, I mean.
• 31:39
  But it shouldn't like this is, This is why I want to say like
• 31:42
  the the, the necessary. Can I just read something to
• 31:45
  you? No, I'm saying a lot.
• 31:46
  Yeah, I read something today from, say Hussein Pazumini on
• 31:49
  islam.org. We shout a lot and I would
• 31:52
  highly encourage everyone to use al Islam the most possible.
• 31:55
  OK? Just bear with me with this.
• 31:57
  Yeah, this is what he says. So he said he's talking about
• 32:01
  getting to know someone and it's like a long article, but I'm
• 32:05
  going to summarize. He basically says go to a public
• 32:07
  place, ask them, ask them useful questions.
• 32:10
  Don't ask them stupid questions like don't ask them what's your
• 32:13
  favorite colour, because that's not going to determine whether
• 32:16
  they're going to be a good spouse for you or not.
• 32:17
  Imagine. Someone asks.
• 32:18
  Yeah, and he goes and makes a joke.
• 32:20
  He's like if you ask them what's your favorite colour, you'll say
• 32:22
  the colour of your eyes. If you say what's your favorite
• 32:24
  film you say any film you want to watch with me, what's your
• 32:27
  favorite food any food you make me do you get me like, Nah none
• 32:29
  of that dash it all out. He's like just keep it 100 no,
• 32:35
  but he says this point he goes, he goes, he goes this sort of
• 32:45
  date which he calls a date like you go to a coffee shop or
• 32:47
  whatever should be considered like an interview, like a job
• 32:50
  interview. Have you ever had a job
• 32:52
  interview? Have you ever been interrogated?
• 32:55
  The date should be like this. It should be a two way
• 32:57
  interview. For example, you ask a lot of
• 32:59
  questions. You ask for a reference.
• 33:01
  Who knows you? Who says you're a good person?
• 33:03
  Ask for a reference. Something like a letter of
• 33:06
  recommendation. Ask for a reference.
• 33:08
  You ask about that person's background and their history.
• 33:11
  What have you done? Have you been in previous
• 33:13
  relationships? Will you ever get where you ever
• 33:16
  divorced? What happened?
• 33:17
  So on and so forth. What are your plans for the
• 33:19
  future? So on and so forth.
• 33:21
  You could also ask hypothetical questions.
• 33:23
  For example, if you're a lady, you could ask the man, What
• 33:26
  would you do if I took off my hijab?
• 33:28
  Would you allow me to take off my hijab?
• 33:30
  Or would you divorce me? Or if you're a young man, you
• 33:33
  should ask a hypothetical question.
• 33:34
  What would you do if I changed my job and I owned a liquor
• 33:37
  store, an alcohol store, or if I stopped praying things like
• 33:41
  this? The idea I know he's he's been
• 33:43
  very direct with his words and maybe it would be a bit like bit
• 33:48
  awkward but at the same time but.
• 33:49
  That's the reality about how it should be.
• 33:51
  Right. So you need to understand what
• 33:52
  is in their heart and soul. And the way you do that is by
• 33:56
  asking questions which make them think and make the other person
• 33:59
  and make yourself think. Like, you know, what would I do
• 34:03
  if this girl who's really pretty and she's got great makeup and
• 34:05
  great hijab and she's very nice to the barista behind the till
• 34:09
  and whatnot? OK, great.
• 34:11
  But how am I meant to know if this person will be the mother
• 34:14
  of my children? Who will stand beside me or
• 34:16
  behind me or whatever, who encourage me to fight alongside
• 34:19
  the imam of our time? And you think, whoa, that's like
• 34:21
  heavy thinking, bro. You don't know in 50 years where
• 34:25
  the world is going to be, but you know that this person,
• 34:27
  there's a good chance you'll still be with him in 50 years.
• 34:29
  No, you're Will. You're right.
• 34:30
  And you know say I said mentioned very nice points.
• 34:33
  Yeah. And I've heard like lots of
• 34:34
  lectures by him when it comes to the topic of marriage and he's
• 34:37
  got plenty. I really fantastic listening or
• 34:39
  watching to this podcast. You know just go on YouTube.
• 34:42
  Yeah, say we need say the most of all, Kazumini.
• 34:47
  They all have topics about marriage and relationships.
• 34:50
  And they do, really. Even on Islamic dating there
• 34:53
  there are some lectures available for you to listen to
• 34:54
  online on YouTube inshallah and benefit from them.
• 34:56
  I know we all do benefit from them, may Allah bless them all.
• 35:00
  But before I go into talking about, you know, what can we
• 35:03
  discuss with you know, the get getting to know each other
• 35:07
  stage. And I go back to the point that
• 35:09
  I mentioned. When you know you're ready for
• 35:11
  marriage, there's a reason why I mentioned that you may not agree
• 35:14
  with it. I know you half, half do with
• 35:16
  me. But bro, this is how it is.
• 35:18
  Islamically you understand. Allah has given us certain laws.
• 35:23
  Certain things are halal to us. Certain things are Haram to us.
• 35:26
  When I say you, you you feel ready for marriage, that that
• 35:30
  means there's desire inside you for something.
• 35:32
  It can be a desire to have a conversation with the opposite
• 35:35
  gender. It can be a desire to have
• 35:38
  intimate relationships with the opposite gender.
• 35:40
  It can be a desire to have nothing apart just from looking
• 35:42
  at the opposite gender, you understand.
• 35:44
  So like everyone's got a different, how can I say
• 35:49
  different way of a threshold of what makes them ready for
• 35:53
  marriage is. I'm not saying that means you
• 35:55
  are ready for marriage, but I'm saying Islamically that's when
• 35:59
  you have to start thinking of marriage.
• 36:01
  Do you understand? Because the moment you feel like
• 36:04
  you're going towards Haram, that's when marriage, it becomes
• 36:09
  almost something I think compulsory on it.
• 36:11
  Like I I've read that it's it becomes like almost large about
• 36:14
  you. You have to seek marriage and
• 36:17
  when you go to your parents and you tell Mama or Baba, you tell
• 36:21
  you, you tell your father, you know, I think I'm ready for
• 36:22
  marriage. I've got certain desires.
• 36:24
  I want to be with the opposite gender.
• 36:26
  I want to build a family. I want to have a relationship.
• 36:29
  The father has to help you get married.
• 36:32
  You understand? Like it's there's so much
• 36:34
  emphasis Islamically, like the parents and the sons.
• 36:38
  I don't want to speak about daughters.
• 36:39
  I, I, I, I can't speak on this on behalf of the sisters, but as
• 36:42
  a son, if you want to get married but go to your parents.
• 36:46
  100% and if you. Why don't you talk to your dad?
• 36:49
  If you've not got, because there are people who.
• 36:50
  Oh, if you don't have a dad, if you don't have a relationship
• 36:52
  with your father, talk to your uncle.
• 36:53
  Right, that's what I was going. To talk to your grandfather.
• 36:55
  Talk to your representative. Talk to Yeah, the other father
• 36:59
  figure. Yeah, and if you are a female,
• 37:01
  talk to your Willy. That can be your father.
• 37:03
  And if your father's not alive, that can be your grandfather,
• 37:06
  your paternal grandfather. But so that that.
• 37:09
  That's why I mentioned that point.
• 37:10
  Because it's important to mention was halal and was Haram
• 37:12
  because it's so easy for us. So, so easy for us.
• 37:16
  Maybe if you go back years, remember your teenage years,
• 37:20
  Ahmed, It's impossible not to have any interaction with the
• 37:23
  opposite gender. About where, where, where you
• 37:26
  study at school, you're dealing with the opposite gender.
• 37:29
  You go to work, you're dealing with the opposite gender.
• 37:31
  You go into the supermarket, you're dealing with the opposite
• 37:33
  gender. You're getting on the bus, on
• 37:34
  the train, on the tube, on the metro.
• 37:36
  Whatever is, you're dealing with opposite gender.
• 37:38
  You're walking home, you finished your work, you finished
• 37:40
  studies, you're dealing with opposite gender.
• 37:43
  You go into mosque. Sometimes you have an
• 37:45
  interaction with the opposition that bro, what happens, there's
• 37:48
  no denying that there is interaction that happens between
• 37:52
  the male and the female. Like how we go on about it is
• 37:57
  what makes a difference. And just.
• 37:59
  Because it's so easy, Ahmed, to fall into the trap.
• 38:03
  Of shape 100%. Fall into the trap.
• 38:05
  Of Dunya, This is why you marriage is a priority.
• 38:09
  And so, and This is why not even the ones who get married, but
• 38:12
  there's a hadith about the ones who introduced the the the the
• 38:15
  ones who introduced two people who get married and the reward
• 38:18
  of that person who introduces two people get married.
• 38:20
  So even if you're not the one being married and you're
• 38:22
  facilitating or encouraging a marriage, whether you're a
• 38:25
  parent, whether you're a matchmaker, whether you're a
• 38:27
  reference or whatever you are, whatever role you play, your
• 38:30
  institution of that marriage is part of that.
• 38:32
  You're part of that thing, bro. Now I'll reward you eternally
• 38:37
  for that much. Can you just go close up on me?
• 38:39
  I just want to show something. Guys, we asked this question.
• 38:43
  We asked this question. Yeah, on, on.
• 38:45
  Or said Ali asked it when he posted it about.
• 38:47
  What's your views on this? Just look at my phone and if you
• 38:50
  can see how many responses we've had in maybe two hours.
• 38:57
  Yeah, we've got clout. We've got clout.
• 38:58
  Shout out, hit 20K followers, thank you.
• 39:01
  But no, what I'm trying to say is that this is a really,
• 39:03
  really, really, really, really intense topic as sensitive.
• 39:06
  I just want to read out two or three comments if you don't mind
• 39:08
  saying so. How is it even possible for
• 39:12
  something like dating to be halal?
• 39:14
  That's one person said. One person said the talking
• 39:17
  stage or getting to know each other.
• 39:19
  Stage is accurate, of course, but it has to be the knowledge
• 39:21
  of parents, someone else says. I think if you plan to get 100%
• 39:25
  married and if you want to know someone deeply, you can.
• 39:28
  Someone else said there's no, there's there's nothing like
• 39:32
  halal dating. It's like saying halal pork.
• 39:35
  I like that. It's interesting.
• 39:37
  There's a lot of points on Motar, which we've done a
• 39:40
  podcast on and I encourage everyone to watch it.
• 39:43
  A lot of people once. This well, we only spoke about
• 39:45
  the abuse of temporary marriage. We.
• 39:46
  Talk about the abuse of temporary marriage.
• 39:47
  But obviously in a time like this, Motar has a great, you
• 39:51
  know, a great place. Of course, you know, someone
• 39:53
  says this is the beauty of Muta. Sadly, some abuse it and use it
• 39:56
  in the wrong way. Someone else said if both are in
• 40:00
  agreement with Muta for the right reasons, I don't see it
• 40:01
  being an issue. Someone else said, what is a
• 40:04
  halal dating? Is there a casual talk between a
• 40:06
  male and a female classmate Then bro, there's like a million, a
• 40:09
  million and one things. To be honest, we could even do a
• 40:11
  whole series on this, probably with more expert guests, but
• 40:20
  yeah. Someone said if the part is if
• 40:22
  the parents of both marriage know what's the problem and then
• 40:26
  they said I take back my last answer lol.
• 40:28
  I think you guys should define dating first, which is I think,
• 40:31
  what we did. We're trying to do.
• 40:34
  We're trying to do, yeah. All right.
• 40:36
  Let me ask you another question. Yeah.
• 40:37
  You're asking too much questions.
• 40:38
  OK, you asked me that. No, no.
• 40:39
  Go on, go on, go on, go on. Yeah, Enjoy it.
• 40:41
  It's like a marriage. Scary.
• 40:43
  Yeah. I just think at the start,
• 40:45
  you're my date today, yeah. That's true, bro.
• 40:47
  Get me shy and get me red. OK, fine.
• 40:51
  So someone who's in the in the phase of getting to know
• 40:55
  someone. Yeah.
• 40:56
  So we've mentioned what the community could do.
• 40:58
  Book clubs this that matchmakers and so on.
• 41:01
  Right now let's see let's say you're you're face to face with
• 41:05
  a sister in a halal environment permit.
• 41:07
  Everything's good. Parents know safe environment.
• 41:10
  There's trust on both sides. References are good.
• 41:12
  OK, what sort of questions would you recommend is good to ask.
• 41:19
  So we've talked about what Saja Hussain recommended.
• 41:22
  But what topics are good to know about?
• 41:24
  Because we know of course the hadith from the Holy Prophet
• 41:26
  Muhammad Sallallallahu alayhi Alayh Salem where he said where
• 41:30
  he talks about Akhlaq and Din to be the two primary benefactors
• 41:35
  of marriage and the reasons to accept someone in marriage.
• 41:37
  And if they don't have either of those, then you can't reject
• 41:40
  them essentially. Or you can reject them if you
• 41:42
  see what I mean. Don't reject.
• 41:43
  Them. Don't reject them.
• 41:44
  Because there will be corruption on the earth.
• 41:45
  There'll be corruption on the earth, that's what the hadith
• 41:48
  says. So how do you get to know
• 41:50
  someone understand that Akhlaq and their Dean, when you're in
• 41:54
  front of them? What would you recommend to
• 41:55
  someone? See, everyone will have a
• 41:57
  different experience getting to know someone.
• 41:59
  Everyone have a different scenario.
• 42:01
  Everyone will have a different environment.
• 42:03
  Everyone will have a different method.
• 42:05
  But I think we need to sort of understand what is allowed and
• 42:08
  what's not allowed or what what you what you can ask and what
• 42:12
  you can't ask and the environments you're allowed to
• 42:14
  be in and environments you're not allowed to be in.
• 42:17
  So I think we have to take it from that angle.
• 42:19
  Yeah. Let's say you found someone.
• 42:23
  How you found them Allahu Island.
• 42:24
  I don't know. Maybe you found them on a
• 42:26
  shiatha strap on Tiktok. God forbid.
• 42:28
  I don't know. And you'd be surprised the way
• 42:30
  people end up getting married these days.
• 42:32
  Yeah. I don't know where you found
• 42:33
  them, but I'm going to say, let's say you found them in your
• 42:35
  community. Yeah.
• 42:36
  Let's say you went to a moled event.
• 42:41
  You mean you've? Got your eyes on someone or
• 42:42
  you've been. No, you've just, you've just.
• 42:45
  I'm going to make a scenario because I know someone who's
• 42:48
  been in this scenario. OK, so they went to a community
• 42:51
  event and they saw her sister there.
• 42:55
  They weren't intentionally like eyeing sisters, but one sister
• 42:58
  caught their their attention by how she was dealing with the the
• 43:05
  running of the event. So she was part of the
• 43:08
  organization of this event that was happening and he really
• 43:12
  liked her. He really liked how she handled
• 43:15
  herself and how respectful she was and how she was dealing with
• 43:20
  the males and the organization as a female.
• 43:24
  So that already was like he was like wow.
• 43:26
  On top of that she she was pretty for him.
• 43:28
  He did say, I mean she she did, she did have beautiful looks for
• 43:32
  him. So for him already, that tipped
• 43:33
  all boxes. He didn't go chat to her, yeah.
• 43:37
  What did he end up doing? He.
• 43:38
  Tells all. No, the poor guy ended up
• 43:41
  stalking her. He started asking around.
• 43:43
  For example, who is she? He got the name, so now he's
• 43:48
  going stalking her online. He's stalking her on.
• 43:51
  Your intentions can be right from the very beginning and then
• 43:55
  you go online, you start doing this talking business, you start
• 43:58
  following, you start Facebook poking.
• 44:00
  I don't know what people do these days, but there is this
• 44:02
  element where you just want to know what they're up to.
• 44:06
  Sadly for him, her accounts were private handled.
• 44:09
  So as much as he's trying to find out about her, he couldn't
• 44:12
  because she was private. So already that ticked another
• 44:15
  box. Oh God, so the more she did
• 44:18
  herself, himself, herself from? Him.
• 44:20
  The more he wanted to know about this girl, he couldn't find out.
• 44:24
  That's how private. Did you answer my question?
• 44:28
  Yeah, I'm going to get there. What did he do next?
• 44:31
  Now he wants to know. Who does she have a brother?
• 44:33
  Who's her dad? Who's the uncle?
• 44:35
  Who's her family? He got the name of the family.
• 44:40
  What do you end up doing? Facebook Poked.
• 44:43
  No, he didn't Facebook Poked. He didn't stand next to her
• 44:48
  brother. Not him.
• 44:50
  He went to her house. He knew who had that.
• 44:54
  Found her address on on. He just didn't know that's his
• 44:57
  daughter. Turned up to the house.
• 44:58
  And he didn't know that dad had this daughter.
• 45:01
  Like that's how she was as a female.
• 45:04
  She existed in the community, but no one knew of her.
• 45:08
  That's how her hijab was. That's how her hayat was.
• 45:11
  That's so I'm not sending shots on the girls, bro.
• 45:15
  This is what the reality of how. Everyone should say they should
• 45:19
  remain invisible. Not remain invisible, remain,
• 45:24
  remain on What makes. You don't put yourself out
• 45:27
  there, accent public eye to the point where everyone can make a
• 45:29
  judgement and find out about you.
• 45:31
  So he went and he knocked the door.
• 45:32
  He was like Salaam, I'm oh blah blah.
• 45:35
  I'm coming in. I'm here to ask for your
• 45:39
  daughter's hand. The guy is confused.
• 45:40
  He goes, I know your dad. I know who who on earth you are.
• 45:44
  Why haven't you come with your parents?
• 45:47
  So he didn't give a heads up or nothing, he just.
• 45:49
  Said nothing. He just turned up.
• 45:50
  Oh. My God.
• 45:51
  I want to ask so he told them. I don't get along with my dad,
• 45:56
  so he has no relationship with his dad.
• 45:58
  His mum is not part of the community, only he is, and his
• 46:01
  dad is the part of the community.
• 46:03
  So community plays a big role. When you don't have that
• 46:06
  connection it can make things proper awkward for you then.
• 46:09
  So now he he goes to this family.
• 46:12
  He tells them I want to ask your daughter's hand.
• 46:16
  He tells them where's your dad? Where's your uncle when I'm home
• 46:20
  tech basically. Where's your uncle's?
• 46:21
  Like where's the men of your family?
• 46:22
  Why have you come alone? He he explained to me I've got
• 46:24
  issues with my father. The guy told him.
• 46:26
  The fact you've come to me and thought a job basically like you
• 46:30
  not just have the guts. I I, I think you truly are a man
• 46:35
  that you came to me to answer my daughter's hand and they set up
• 46:37
  a meeting that went. That's one example.
• 46:39
  So that's Allah. Abdullah.
• 46:40
  They're married. They're married.
• 46:42
  Yeah. Hamdullah.
• 46:44
  So that that's like what's? The way you're painting the
• 46:47
  pictures, like he's a stalker. No, no, no, no, no.
• 46:50
  He's like the police are watching you.
• 46:51
  What? The point I was trying to say is
• 46:53
  that as much as he tried to stalk this girl, we call it
• 46:55
  stalking, but he's just trying to get to know he's curious.
• 46:58
  That was a lot of different ways of getting to know someone, Sir.
• 47:00
  Like, he's curious. What's she up to?
• 47:01
  What does she? Do can I just interrupt you?
• 47:02
  One of my close friends who, you know, I remember about 10 years
• 47:06
  ago, we were in university. He was 18, he was 19.
• 47:11
  I was 18. And he's like, bro, I want to
• 47:14
  get married. Yeah.
• 47:16
  So I was like, I've just come out of school just, I was like,
• 47:20
  fresh out of fresh into university.
• 47:22
  And I was like, whoa, like, I haven't even got my driving
• 47:25
  lessons yet. The guy's talking about getting
• 47:27
  married. So he was like, I'm going to do
• 47:29
  it. I'm going to do it.
• 47:30
  I didn't take him serious. Within a week or two, he had a
• 47:33
  recommendation from one of his family members.
• 47:35
  He found the girl's name. The sister, Marshall Law.
• 47:39
  Her name is the most generic Shia girl's name you can imagine
• 47:45
  of the likes. Yeah, you've mentioned one of
• 47:47
  them. That's all Zainab.
• 47:49
  No, no, no, no, no. Basically and and her surname
• 47:53
  even is like a very hard name. But somehow he found her online
• 47:57
  and I remember I was sitting in the car with him.
• 47:58
  We went to fill up petrol. So we're in the petrol station.
• 48:01
  I went, I went to, I went to pay for the petrol or I went to get
• 48:04
  a drink or something. I came back to the car.
• 48:06
  He was married, he's on. I came back to the car.
• 48:10
  He's on her Facebook profile. What's going on?
• 48:13
  What's going on? I've been decided for a minute
• 48:15
  and I've come back and you're already on her Facebook, he
• 48:17
  said. Ahmed, look.
• 48:18
  Look at her picture cover photo. She's got no pictures of her
• 48:23
  face on her Facebook. It's just the back of her hijab.
• 48:27
  What colour hijab is this picture?
• 48:29
  What colour hijab is that picture?
• 48:31
  I was like, OK, like you can't really tell then like, you know
• 48:34
  if you're interested. He said no bro, I love it, he
• 48:37
  said this. This girl is the one.
• 48:40
  I was like, bro, you can't, you don't know anything about her,
• 48:42
  her name. You know that she posted a
• 48:43
  picture of back of her hijab. What else?
• 48:45
  He said no, this is this is the one or no.
• 48:48
  I'm the lad. They're married.
• 48:49
  He got married. He he had the the pure NIA and
• 48:52
  he approached it the right way. He went to a family member to
• 48:54
  speak to their family member. He had the like you said he had
• 48:59
  the proper intention to get married, to get married.
• 49:01
  Yeah. Right.
• 49:02
  So it is a very important thing, and when you sorry, said the
• 49:06
  father. No.
• 49:06
  No, I'm saying the the differences between these two
• 49:09
  examples. Their intention was Zawaj Nikkar
• 49:14
  actual marriage contract rather than boyfriend, girlfriend
• 49:18
  accent. Let's just talk, see how it
• 49:20
  goes. You know, and.
• 49:22
  If you don't have someone, sorry I was going to say because in
• 49:24
  the case of your friend you Allah bless him who who got
• 49:27
  married there. You know his father-in-law did
• 49:31
  did the right thing in the noble thing he he didn't judge him for
• 49:34
  coming on by himself and he respected him.
• 49:37
  But also there's a Sunnah when it comes to the Holy Prophet
• 49:40
  Muhammad Sallallahu Ali Ali Salem.
• 49:41
  When it comes to Amira Mokminin Ali Salaam that they usually had
• 49:45
  an elder member of the family who acted as a a Willy or wakil
• 49:50
  in that situation. So for example the case of Ali
• 49:53
  Muhammad, his father had passed away.
• 49:55
  Abdullah his grandfather Abdul Muttalib had passed away.
• 49:58
  So who did he have? Abu Talib Alaihi Salaam, who
• 50:00
  acted as his intermediary between himself and Saida
• 50:04
  Khadija Islam Allahi Aliyah and she also had a community of
• 50:08
  sisters or women or I had an election.
• 50:11
  They were called matchmakers. But I don't know if that's an
• 50:13
  appropriate term. Who it is?
• 50:15
  Yeah, who were who were the intermediaries between the
• 50:18
  male's representative, Abu Talib al Islam and say the Khadijah's
• 50:22
  al Islam's representatives as well.
• 50:24
  So of course that helps in in situations.
• 50:26
  In my personal case, I've. I've spoken to you about this
• 50:28
  before, my, my, my wife. At the time when we first met,
• 50:32
  we lived in different countries, so our families didn't know each
• 50:35
  other. So we both had representatives
• 50:37
  who would first discuss before we kind of got to know each
• 50:39
  other personally. So it would help in those cases.
• 50:43
  Obviously, in other cases, you meet someone in an event or you
• 50:45
  see someone face to face. Yeah, yeah.
• 50:48
  And you know, I think now it's only fair to discuss what can
• 50:51
  you discuss what do you mean with the.
• 50:54
  Oh, what can you discuss? I, I, I, I as you're trying to
• 50:57
  get to know them, right? Yeah.
• 50:59
  See, when you interact with the opposite gender, whether you
• 51:04
  have an intention for marriage or you don't have an intention
• 51:06
  for marriage, at some stage during that conversation, there
• 51:12
  is going to be a moment of a smile.
• 51:15
  There's going to be a moment of possibly laughter.
• 51:18
  There's there's going to be a moment where you lapse and you
• 51:21
  know what you should stay far away from?
• 51:25
  So you can literally be, you know, praying five times a day,
• 51:30
  fasting the entire Ramadan, fasting all the Mustafa, but
• 51:34
  doing all the hairats. But then, when you come to speak
• 51:38
  to the opposite gender, one last sometime Shaitaan can make you
• 51:41
  forget your mind completely, right?
• 51:44
  But what? So what do you mean
• 51:45
  specifically? Because laughter and smiling?
• 51:46
  Is that what you mean? Because this is how it starts.
• 51:48
  You know, we had the previous podcast.
• 51:51
  There's so much points I don't want to re mention, you
• 51:53
  understand, But we've had the previous conversation was like,
• 51:55
  you know, sometimes you'll start with the conversation.
• 51:59
  It starts with a smile, yeah. You end up laughing, and then
• 52:03
  everything else becomes normal. Yeah.
• 52:06
  The laughing is normal, The smiling is normal and now you're
• 52:09
  hugging each other. Next thing, allow, allow.
• 52:11
  Alan is game over for you. You banter each other, you start
• 52:13
  making cheeky jokes and then. It and it goes on, goes on, goes
• 52:17
  on, goes on. After you're fooling yourself, I
• 52:18
  promise you, you are fooling yourself if you're having this
• 52:22
  relationship with this person and you're saying, oh, I'm going
• 52:26
  to marry her. Yeah.
• 52:27
  And you've been talking for. But I know people have been
• 52:29
  chatting for three years. I'm going to, I'm still going to
• 52:31
  know her. But what?
• 52:33
  She's someone's sister. What?
• 52:35
  She's someone's daughter. She's someone's niece.
• 52:38
  And it's not a game. And sisters, believe me, they
• 52:42
  trust these men. And I feel like they fall trap
• 52:47
  to these men. These men, they say, huh, let's
• 52:49
  talk. I want to get to know you
• 52:52
  because we want to get married. If if the sister doesn't have an
• 52:56
  intention for marriage, she shouldn't even have that
• 52:59
  conversation from the beginning, and vice versa.
• 53:02
  But you know what? The sisters, I think they're
• 53:04
  very gullible. We've seen, I think, ample we've
• 53:08
  had. People ask ask us to mention
• 53:10
  this and and and manipulation. We all know scenarios, we've all
• 53:13
  heard the stories, warpath communities, and we all know the
• 53:16
  destruction that has happened from such relationships because
• 53:19
  it started with let's get to know each other for the sake of
• 53:24
  marriage and then you do nothing apart from getting to know each
• 53:29
  other. Bro, to be honest, when you're
• 53:30
  young, you're. Mature.
• 53:31
  Yeah, you are mature. You make mistakes.
• 53:33
  Guys make mistakes. Girls make mistakes.
• 53:35
  But now look at the difference. Now you really want to get
• 53:37
  married? Yeah.
• 53:39
  So now you go seek a spouse. How you seek it?
• 53:43
  It's very important. Yeah.
• 53:46
  You don't want to pick her up in the club dancing with other men.
• 53:49
  Yeah, it happens. Muslim men go clubbing, they
• 53:54
  find the Muslim men in the club, they end up getting married.
• 53:56
  It happens. Well, the the things that
• 54:00
  sometimes occur in our communities.
• 54:02
  Someone told me last week, someone told me last week, that
• 54:06
  there are clubs in part like areas of the world where there
• 54:10
  are loads of Shia or loads of Arabs clubs.
• 54:14
  The clubs are in those Arab or Muslim areas and they'll sell
• 54:19
  halal chicken because they say people come into the club to
• 54:24
  dance and to listen to music and they'll say you your chicken
• 54:27
  wings halal. I say no, OK, I can't be here,
• 54:30
  that I'm a Muslim, say walk out. But it's like there's double
• 54:34
  standards because then what becomes halal and halal?
• 54:36
  Because some people will take alcohol very seriously.
• 54:38
  I can't drink. I can't eat Harambee.
• 54:40
  When it comes to talking to girls, yeah, minor.
• 54:42
  It's not a problem because. Shaytan is telling you it's my.
• 54:46
  You know it's by you deep. Down as a Muslim, you know this
• 54:49
  is wrong. And you have a different
• 54:50
  standard. So you treat the same way you
• 54:52
  treat alcohol. You don't treat music the same
• 54:54
  way you treat music. You don't treat treat weed or
• 54:56
  you don't treat, you know, whatever it is talking to girls
• 54:59
  or pornography or anything along those lines which all fall kind
• 55:03
  of within the same category of Haram.
• 55:06
  Yeah, you you like. You have one rule for one and a
• 55:08
  different rule for another, so. But I want to mention 11111
• 55:12
  story and one scenario we can all relate to as Muslims we can
• 55:15
  all relate to the Prophet of God.
• 55:19
  There'll be Allah Yosef Ali Salah.
• 55:22
  Ali Salah. What was he known for?
• 55:24
  His beauty. He was known for being
• 55:26
  beautiful, handsome. I don't know, Bath, I don't know
• 55:29
  whatever it is. But he was known as to be like
• 55:32
  this shining knight and armour or the the the Prince and king
• 55:38
  for all the princesses and things like that.
• 55:39
  He was known for his beauty like the the Jamal of Naballah, Yusuf
• 55:45
  Alayhi Salam was like something even like Quran talks about,
• 55:50
  Islam talks about, do you understand?
• 55:52
  So there's a lot of examples there.
• 55:54
  What was he facing? He was facing dealing and
• 56:00
  interacting with the opposite gender.
• 56:03
  Yeah, by a girl called Zuleika Zuleika.
• 56:11
  When she's set eyes on Yusuf Alayh Salaam, she wanted to be
• 56:17
  in a relationship with him. You have to understand there's a
• 56:22
  reason. One of the reasons why Yusuf
• 56:24
  Nami Allah Yusuf Alayh Salaam never pursued any marriage
• 56:27
  relationship with her was that she worshipped idols.
• 56:30
  So there was a time where he was working in her house.
• 56:34
  He was a servant. He was a servant in her house
• 56:38
  and she's always wanted to grab his attention and she'll always
• 56:41
  ensure there were certain scenarios where it's just him
• 56:44
  and her but. The way she approached him, she
• 56:46
  tried to entice him. No matter how much she tried to
• 56:50
  persuade him to sway him towards her, he would not give in.
• 56:56
  You would remember I lost the panel with Tyler.
• 56:58
  It came to the point. Listen to this.
• 57:00
  It came to the point where now it was only Zolekha and prophet
• 57:04
  Yusuf Alayhi Salaam in the house.
• 57:07
  Imagine only them two in the house.
• 57:10
  She's locked the door. She's locked the windows.
• 57:13
  There's an actual scenario here. I want people to go research
• 57:15
  this. Yeah, she comes to him and she
• 57:17
  tells him, look at me. He doesn't raise his eyes.
• 57:22
  He's lowered his gaze. Ultimately, that's part of the
• 57:24
  Hijab of men. He's lowered his gaze.
• 57:26
  She she tells them I want to look at your beautiful eyes.
• 57:29
  She mentions that I want to look at your beautiful eyes.
• 57:31
  Look into my eyes, he tells her. These beautiful eyes ask me
• 57:37
  three days later, after I die, how beautiful my eyes are.
• 57:44
  Then she goes in your fragrance you've got like this fragrance
• 57:48
  like you smell to me. I'll say it's God.
• 57:52
  It's a God-given smell to the Prophet.
• 57:54
  Lost panel Matala and he tells the come smell my corpse of a
• 57:57
  dead smell, smell the corpse of a dead man.
• 57:59
  Three days later, we have the same thought process basically
• 58:06
  anywhere back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
• 58:07
  And the way he managed to escape the house and he left and this
• 58:10
  whole scenario of, you know, he gave this example of the shirts
• 58:13
  being ripped and things like that.
• 58:14
  So he got himself out of there. We face this every day.
• 58:17
  Yeah, maybe not you, maybe not not not me.
• 58:20
  Maybe not saying Muslim. What people actually face this
• 58:22
  Muslims, Shia Muslims, Sunni Muslims.
• 58:25
  Every time they can Harry part who believes in lying.
• 58:27
  Allah, Muhammad al Allah has has an opportunity to become like
• 58:31
  the prophet of Allah Yusuf alias don't put yourself in that
• 58:34
  scenario because I guarantee you and I promise you if you find
• 58:37
  yourself in that scenario you've put yourself in there.
• 58:40
  You've allowed yourself to be there.
• 58:41
  You enjoyed that conversation. You enjoyed that smile you
• 58:44
  enjoyed. Like it's not an.
• 58:46
  I'm talking about the interactions.
• 58:48
  Yeah, like as it's. Unnecessary.
• 58:50
  It's it's understand. Interaction with the opposition.
• 58:52
  Yeah, it's understandable to enjoy it.
• 58:55
  A sin is a sin because it's enjoyable and it's forbidden.
• 58:57
  Do you know what I'm saying? Like it.
• 58:59
  It's enjoyable and wrong and that's why it's wrong, because
• 59:03
  you're enjoying something, which is not allowed.
• 59:05
  It's not. It's not allowed.
• 59:07
  So Long story short, I think we have to be conscious at the same
• 59:11
  time that the if something doesn't feel right from the
• 59:14
  offset, don't engage in that. And when you've got the pure
• 59:16
  intentions, when the last one to other showers his mercy on
• 59:20
  people who are both sincere in their attention to get married,
• 59:23
  then you will find someone you know and then you know.
• 59:26
  Nowadays we have so many things, virtual, remote, we have
• 59:30
  connections, we have family members, we have communities
• 59:33
  online where you can find people.
• 59:35
  That's some of the some of the most martial Allah.
• 59:37
  Most significant couples I can think of in the community have
• 59:40
  met each other on online or have met each other through family or
• 59:44
  through recommendations from friends.
• 59:47
  So don't give up hope brothers and sisters like keep at it,
• 59:50
  keep praying to Allah, small to Allah and keep trying.
• 59:52
  Keep yearning for halal relationships and don't engage
• 59:55
  in the wrong. Or the beauty of it, if you
• 59:58
  really want to get married and you make that intention and you
• 1:00:01
  tell a loss of panel with Allah, you know make it easier for me.
• 1:00:05
  I'm not going to promise you, but I I will guarantee you a
• 1:00:07
  loss of Hanover Taala will give you ample opportunities if you
• 1:00:11
  really make that sincere intention.
• 1:00:13
  I really want to get married for the sake of Allah.
• 1:00:15
  A huge difference here. Do I want to get married for
• 1:00:18
  myself? Who doesn't?
• 1:00:19
  Everyone, Everyone wants to get married.
• 1:00:20
  Everyone wants to have a relationship.
• 1:00:21
  Everyone has desires. But there's a difference.
• 1:00:23
  For the sake of a loss of Hanover Taala, God will open
• 1:00:25
  your avenues and doors. Marriage is a three-way
• 1:00:28
  relationship. There's a three-way is you, your
• 1:00:29
  spouse, and a loss upon all Tyler.
• 1:00:31
  Was that a marriage? Is you and your spouse or your
• 1:00:33
  girlfriend? That shade down?
• 1:00:34
  Carlos? Nothing else.
• 1:00:35
  Carlos, that's it. That's important.
• 1:00:37
  No, you've got no end goal. You've got no common goal.
• 1:00:40
  Do you know what I mean? Allah is the common goal.
• 1:00:42
  Allah is your purpose and He's your existence.
• 1:00:44
  He's your sustainer. So Allah sustains your marriage.
• 1:00:47
  In that sense, your relationship with your wife is sustained by a
• 1:00:50
  lost point to Anna. He brought you together.
• 1:00:52
  He sustained you. He's provided for you and then
• 1:00:56
  he will amplify in in terms of your offspring.
• 1:00:59
  So there's nothing to do except to be grateful to Allah and to
• 1:01:01
  and to continuously remind yourselves as a as a couple that
• 1:01:05
  you should be. I think when you meet someone
• 1:01:08
  the God centricity should play a big role in a crucial A crucial
• 1:01:12
  role like, yeah, you don't want to walk in.
• 1:01:15
  I have friends. I have a friend who he was
• 1:01:17
  trying to find a wife for a few years and Allah bless him, he's
• 1:01:20
  now found Marshall is married. But you know he for for a long
• 1:01:24
  time He'd start a conversation with a girl and one of the first
• 1:01:27
  questions you'd ask her, What are your views on that bill?
• 1:01:32
  That was one of the first things he'd ask her And he was saying,
• 1:01:34
  bro, why is it not working? I said brother, in my humble
• 1:01:37
  opinion, it's not a place to start.
• 1:01:38
  Like, you know, because it shows the intensity that you are as a
• 1:01:41
  person, whether you agree with it or you disagree with it.
• 1:01:44
  It shows your intensity. Maybe start off on a more casual
• 1:01:48
  Obviously you want to know what sort of person they are.
• 1:01:49
  What are their interests? What are their hobbies?
• 1:01:51
  Well, maybe that's important to him.
• 1:01:52
  It means the world he's. Important to him.
• 1:01:54
  But bro, you want to give the girl a chance to breathe.
• 1:01:57
  Imagine you first meet someone. Yeah, and you don't even.
• 1:02:01
  You don't even know what their saying is, for example.
• 1:02:03
  You know or you don't even know how old they are.
• 1:02:05
  You don't even know if they're looking themselves to get
• 1:02:07
  married or you know what I mean and you just throw something in
• 1:02:10
  there. What's your views on?
• 1:02:12
  You know, I'm not going to name things, but like something which
• 1:02:15
  is maybe controversial or, you know, there's a 50% chance they
• 1:02:18
  will be against it or in favour of it or something like that.
• 1:02:20
  So maybe ease off a bit and then, you know, inform or
• 1:02:25
  articulate your personal opinions in like a very
• 1:02:28
  responsible manner at the time when it's right.
• 1:02:30
  And some things will come up organically, you know, but you
• 1:02:33
  know you've got to find out the answers to some questions.
• 1:02:35
  If you strongly believe in something which you know might
• 1:02:38
  cause an issue, you should mention that SO.
• 1:02:40
  No, you're right. And let's take it back to and we
• 1:02:43
  end it here where you know, how can you speak with opposite
• 1:02:46
  gender and what's the right way and what's the correct way.
• 1:02:51
  Islamically lines of Allah subhanahu Ala.
• 1:02:54
  So very simply I'm going to ask you one question, just say yes
• 1:02:56
  or no. Can you have a date as a Muslim?
• 1:03:02
  I think yes, because I like, I know he's he's judging me.
• 1:03:06
  No, I'm not. I'm not.
• 1:03:07
  No, because I think the word date is like the wrong word to
• 1:03:11
  use personally, but I think you can have an interaction.
• 1:03:13
  So now let's abolish this word date.
• 1:03:15
  Right. We abolish the word date.
• 1:03:16
  We redefine it for our meaning. Yes, our definition.
• 1:03:19
  Is are you allowed to speak with someone?
• 1:03:22
  Yes. To get to know them?
• 1:03:24
  For them to be your spouse. Yes you are.
• 1:03:26
  You are 100%. So can anyone just go start
• 1:03:29
  speaking to anyone? Are you allowed to speak to
• 1:03:31
  someone to get the intention to go?
• 1:03:33
  Yeah, yeah, of course you are. Why?
• 1:03:36
  What's wrong with that? Are you sure about that?
• 1:03:37
  What are you allowed to? You're not aware?
• 1:03:39
  Pause here. What's wrong with that?
• 1:03:40
  No, no, I need to put you on the spot.
• 1:03:41
  What? Do you mean?
• 1:03:42
  Yeah, of course you are. See if you're if you are, if you
• 1:03:45
  are, if you are in the intention to get married, you have
• 1:03:47
  permission from a loss from your parents.
• 1:03:49
  You're doing it for the sake of a lost one to Allah.
• 1:03:51
  You go in there and you think I will maintain my hijab?
• 1:03:54
  I will only speak to someone who's maintaining their hijab.
• 1:03:56
  I'll do it in a public environment.
• 1:03:58
  I'll do it where there's accountability.
• 1:03:59
  If I do anything wrong, people are aware.
• 1:04:01
  If they do anything wrong, people are aware.
• 1:04:03
  And then you do it to to minimise and not extend
• 1:04:06
  unnecessarily your point of. Interaction.
• 1:04:10
  That's the answer. That is the actual answer.
• 1:04:13
  Yeah. Can we can we go on dates as
• 1:04:15
  Muslims? No, we can't.
• 1:04:18
  But if you go on a date which meets those criteria, call it
• 1:04:21
  whatever you want. Use whatever word you want,
• 1:04:23
  whatever word you. Want.
• 1:04:24
  But, for example, can I go out with them first of all?
• 1:04:28
  First of all, there's no such thing as Hollywood dating.
• 1:04:30
  There's. No Western.
• 1:04:31
  Dating, Keeping up with the Kardashians and things like
• 1:04:33
  that. All of this doesn't exist in
• 1:04:35
  Islam outside the falls of Islam.
• 1:04:37
  No open Hyper, No Winter Wonderland with a girl that you
• 1:04:40
  get to know unless you're either in your Maharam to her.
• 1:04:44
  There is Hotel Bayer. There is, you know, family
• 1:04:48
  members there present with you, not right next to you at a
• 1:04:52
  distance. Zien in the public setting there
• 1:04:55
  is no problem, but what you discuss is what's what the
• 1:04:58
  problem is. You can be laughing and chit
• 1:05:00
  chatting too much of that bro does nothing, does not benefit
• 1:05:03
  you, does not take you towards marriage.
• 1:05:05
  Like I said, might show your humorous side, but everyone's
• 1:05:09
  humorous at the very beginning. Yeah, understand.
• 1:05:12
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 1:05:14
  And if you're going to laugh and say, oh he makes me laugh or you
• 1:05:16
  know, you know she makes me smile, well that's at the
• 1:05:20
  beginning stage. As the people who are married,
• 1:05:23
  it still continues throughout your marriage.
• 1:05:26
  But that's not the be all and end all of what's going to make
• 1:05:29
  you have that relationship. I take you closer to Allah.
• 1:05:32
  So the question should be, for example, are you on your Dean?
• 1:05:37
  Do you pray? Do you fast?
• 1:05:40
  Do you take drugs? You know how much brothers take?
• 1:05:44
  We have people praying and fasting and they're smoking
• 1:05:47
  drugs, Yeah, yeah, people praying and fasting and.
• 1:05:50
  Drink. I'd love to see.
• 1:05:51
  Like a reenactment, like a role play where said Ali's in a
• 1:05:56
  coffee shop, girl comes in. Do you pray?
• 1:05:59
  Do you fast? Do you take drugs?
• 1:06:00
  And by the way how many sugars do you take with your cough?
• 1:06:02
  Just imagine that. That'd be amazing.
• 1:06:04
  Like, I know what you mean. You want to ask the questions
• 1:06:06
  that are. Benefits.
• 1:06:07
  There's very important questions, like some very, very
• 1:06:09
  important questions to ask a brother, right?
• 1:06:12
  Somehow the brothers always know what to ask their sisters.
• 1:06:15
  Yeah, for some reason. But the sister's always like,
• 1:06:17
  what? What do we discuss?
• 1:06:18
  But. You can, but surely you can.
• 1:06:19
  You can. I know we need to wrap up and
• 1:06:21
  and I know we both got places. How's your relationship with
• 1:06:25
  your family? Yeah.
• 1:06:26
  How's your relationship? What?
• 1:06:28
  The Quran? Yeah.
• 1:06:30
  Are we gonna go ziara? Do you ever see us going hajun
• 1:06:33
  omora like? But these things are very
• 1:06:35
  crucial. Here.
• 1:06:36
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's there's different
• 1:06:38
  things you can talk about. Not can talk.
• 1:06:40
  Not. Should we not, not not.
• 1:06:41
  Should we live in the flat or have a mansion?
• 1:06:44
  You know, not not. Should we drive a Polo, ride a
• 1:06:46
  bus, or drive a Range Rover? Those questions?
• 1:06:49
  No. No.
• 1:06:50
  But they have nothing to do with the same compatibility.
• 1:06:52
  Maybe for yourself, Worldly design.
• 1:06:55
  This is, this is a thing. There are there are questions
• 1:06:57
  which you have to discuss to do with worldly things because
• 1:07:01
  we're living in this. A roof over your head, right?
• 1:07:05
  What are your What are your expectations financially?
• 1:07:08
  How many family holidays do you expect to go on per year, for
• 1:07:11
  example? Yeah, but these These.
• 1:07:13
  Are come at the second stage. Right.
• 1:07:15
  Perhaps. Yeah.
• 1:07:15
  I agree with that. Yeah.
• 1:07:16
  But I think that prior to the prior to like putting a ring on
• 1:07:19
  each others finger. Yeah there are questions you
• 1:07:21
  need to ask. Yeah.
• 1:07:22
  So you need to ask what are your.
• 1:07:23
  I've worked with the likes by them I.
• 1:07:25
  Should get the. Rewards if your if your wife
• 1:07:29
  doesn't. For those who didn't hear that
• 1:07:30
  if your wife doesn't like Spider Man, she's getting divorced.
• 1:07:33
  They'll like grant you, a noble wife said.
• 1:07:34
  They'll like grant you a wife that gives you spider webs.
• 1:07:40
  Anyway, but yeah, no like you like.
• 1:07:41
  Obviously you've got to ask the right questions at the first
• 1:07:43
  stage. But these are like the questions
• 1:07:44
  you can ask if there is no temporary marriage.
• 1:07:47
  If there is temporary marriage, well, ask whatever.
• 1:07:50
  Why would you want to ask? Because you can do temporary
• 1:07:52
  marriage to get to know them properly.
• 1:07:55
  Yes, Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, guys, you can tell me.
• 1:07:58
  You say, though, like we're both passionate about this.
• 1:08:01
  Take permission from Hawali. Like, go with your family.
• 1:08:05
  I'm not saying, Annie. Just randomly show up.
• 1:08:07
  Marsh. No.
• 1:08:08
  Speak to your mum. Speak to your dad.
• 1:08:09
  Speak to your uncle. Speak to your older brother if
• 1:08:12
  you're younger. I have no idea.
• 1:08:13
  Go with them. Go propose.
• 1:08:14
  Say I want to get to know your daughter.
• 1:08:16
  We want to get to know you know. You guys are an amazing family.
• 1:08:19
  We've heard so much about you, Marsh.
• 1:08:21
  You know? And before you propose, believe
• 1:08:23
  me, search that family up. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:25
  It's a very important. Believe me and he it's very
• 1:08:28
  impossible that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,
• 1:08:30
  although sometimes we find the very opposite.
• 1:08:33
  But it's very rare, very, very rare.
• 1:08:36
  But the moment? Look, we don't judge a book by
• 1:08:38
  its cover, but you have to. Because a lot of people have
• 1:08:40
  mentioned you read everywhere, bro.
• 1:08:45
  You can ask permission from her Willy, from her father, if he's
• 1:08:48
  alive. If he's you've passed away, you
• 1:08:51
  can ask her, her paternal grandfather for permission, just
• 1:08:55
  to get to know No one's talking about well, you can even put
• 1:08:58
  condition, don't even hold her hand, do you understand?
• 1:09:01
  Just speaking, just speaking, and then you can speak about
• 1:09:04
  whatever. You want there are cases where
• 1:09:06
  parents will reject people saying can we do temporary
• 1:09:09
  marriage with your son or daughter as well, your daughter
• 1:09:13
  in in in in the Mel's case because we want to get to know
• 1:09:16
  them good, like that's the right thing to do.
• 1:09:19
  I think most of us, most of our communities, the most sensible
• 1:09:22
  thing, it's the sensible thing, is risk free.
• 1:09:24
  As a Muslim, right? OK, in cases with.
• 1:09:27
  The conditions don't forget there is conditions because
• 1:09:30
  people, no, sadly, people. Don't let me finish.
• 1:09:32
  People have this this mentality and view and opinion that
• 1:09:36
  temporary marriage is prostitution.
• 1:09:39
  It is not. Say, let me finish, Hamibi,
• 1:09:40
  please. I'm saying I'm.
• 1:09:43
  Now you can talk. I'm sorry.
• 1:09:44
  Sorry. Sorry.
• 1:09:44
  Sorry. They will.
• 1:09:45
  They will say no for one of a few reasons.
• 1:09:47
  OK, either they don't know what it means, so the parents aren't
• 1:09:52
  educated and told what it actually is.
• 1:09:55
  That's the responsibility on the parents to research.
• 1:09:58
  You need to know that stuff. Speak to a scholar, read your
• 1:10:01
  books, find out what the the purpose and the abuse of it and
• 1:10:05
  use it for understand its benefits.
• 1:10:06
  OK, that's one. Or they've had a bad experience
• 1:10:10
  themselves. Or they've seen a bad experience
• 1:10:12
  maybe for the specific child, the daughter or a friend or
• 1:10:15
  family or a niece or a nephew, and they've said no, I'm not
• 1:10:19
  letting it happen again. I trusted a boy in the past who
• 1:10:22
  abused the temporary marriage with my daughter.
• 1:10:24
  I'm not letting it do it happen again.
• 1:10:25
  What I'm saying is, what I'm saying is in that case, look,
• 1:10:30
  every circumstance is, is, is is unique and you've got to deal
• 1:10:33
  with that on on the basis of what's what's happening in the
• 1:10:36
  context around you. But for us to say if they don't
• 1:10:39
  allow it, they don't care about their daughter, I think that's
• 1:10:42
  wrong. I don't think they don't care,
• 1:10:43
  they. Don't.
• 1:10:43
  I don't think that's right. I think it's.
• 1:10:45
  We have to take how can you? Because parents will parents
• 1:10:47
  will parents will view the the protection of their daughter 10
• 1:10:51
  times more than the the the happiness.
• 1:10:54
  So you're telling me, you're telling me it's right?
• 1:10:56
  No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's wrong to say they don't
• 1:10:58
  care about. It because wait, no, they don't
• 1:11:00
  care. I don't think they don't care.
• 1:11:02
  Yeah, Well, anyway guys, we'll leave it in the comments, so let
• 1:11:05
  us know what. You think someone who doesn't
• 1:11:06
  care if their daughter is talking to a guy again to know
• 1:11:09
  them for months and months? I don't know any temporary
• 1:11:12
  marriage involved. They don't give up because a guy
• 1:11:14
  in case. Where a guy comes to a family
• 1:11:15
  house. Yeah, he comes to a family house
• 1:11:17
  or let's say he's met her for the first time in with the
• 1:11:19
  parents around and they've asked the questions do you pray, do
• 1:11:22
  for us yada yada. And now they've saying now we
• 1:11:25
  know each other, we we've asked each other the questions.
• 1:11:29
  Can we now get to know each other further?
• 1:11:30
  I'm not talking about casual talking for.
• 1:11:32
  Me, I'm not talking about that first stage.
• 1:11:34
  I'm talking about the second stage.
• 1:11:35
  Yeah, yeah, I agree. With you, where this engagement
• 1:11:37
  period, I agree with you or not, because we have to be no casual.
• 1:11:40
  We have to be, we have to be seriously and very real.
• 1:11:42
  Her. Ahmed.
• 1:11:43
  Yeah, some people's engagement period is a week.
• 1:11:45
  Some people's engage in periods a month.
• 1:11:47
  Some people have five years. Five years, yeah.
• 1:11:49
  You're telling me for five years you don't give a flying monkey
• 1:11:52
  that your daughter is doing Haram every day talking to?
• 1:11:54
  This guy. No, that.
• 1:11:55
  That. You're right on.
• 1:11:56
  I think we're on this. Is the point I'm talking about.
• 1:11:58
  I'm talking about like getting to know them one week, two weeks
• 1:12:01
  talking. Correcting if your public
• 1:12:02
  session is talking, huh? That's what it sounds like,
• 1:12:05
  though. Oh, if I did, then do forgive
• 1:12:06
  me. Yeah, no, because it.
• 1:12:07
  Sounds like you're saying if you outright disagree with temporary
• 1:12:12
  marriage. You don't care.
• 1:12:16
  No, I said. They don't mind the daughter
• 1:12:19
  doing Haram, I see. What you're saying so?
• 1:12:21
  She'll speak her actions. For a period of years.
• 1:12:23
  Of course that's not all right. As a parent, you should care
• 1:12:25
  more about your kid. I agree with that.
• 1:12:26
  Of course. Like you should care.
• 1:12:27
  What the hell is my kid doing if they're not married?
• 1:12:29
  Why? Why you?
• 1:12:30
  Why are you chatting to a random guy?
• 1:12:31
  You can. Agree.
• 1:12:32
  You can disagree how long. I'm just telling you what the
• 1:12:35
  laws of a law. Are the the most important thing
• 1:12:37
  is that you guys tell us what you think, OK?
• 1:12:39
  Because we've been chatting for ages.
• 1:12:42
  So you you guys tell us what you think.
• 1:12:44
  Are we talking absolute nonsense or are we getting somewhere?
• 1:12:49
  Look, at the end of the day, whatever we've said is based on
• 1:12:51
  two or three things. One is.
• 1:12:54
  I'm not a scholar. None of us are, yeah.
• 1:12:56
  Where? Where?
• 1:12:56
  It's based on our own. Opinions how's on my life?
• 1:12:58
  Where this is based on our own opinions and also our own
• 1:13:01
  experiences, both in our personal lives and also from our
• 1:13:04
  friends and our communities. So we've from the when we've
• 1:13:07
  been through that process of marriage, we would have spoken
• 1:13:10
  to the elders, we would have spoken to in laws, would have
• 1:13:12
  spoken to scholars, would have spoken to different types of
• 1:13:15
  olamar and of research and whatnot.
• 1:13:17
  And inshallah, if you're not married, you will go through
• 1:13:20
  that stage or you should go through that stage and you'll
• 1:13:22
  come out with your own conclusion as well.
• 1:13:24
  But we want to know what you think because this is clearly
• 1:13:26
  contentious topic. You know the the like the crazy
• 1:13:30
  feedback we've had on social media just in like a space of
• 1:13:33
  two or three hours before we start recording is just absurd.
• 1:13:37
  So last of what you guys think, I don't know if we should do the
• 1:13:41
  topic again, but maybe look maybe if you guys want it.
• 1:13:45
  Listen, I think we should. Today's topic was about Islamic
• 1:13:49
  dating doesn't exist. Yeah, I I don't feel like we
• 1:13:52
  went into true depth. I think it's a conversation like
• 1:13:55
  this can be like a 345 part series and possibly with respect
• 1:13:58
  to our scholars assisting us in the conversation.
• 1:14:01
  I think that will work. Amazing because rather than us,
• 1:14:04
  you know, giving experiences and opinions, we'll we'll have what
• 1:14:06
  the laws of Allah require of us. Yeah, which is more important.
• 1:14:09
  Yeah, yeah. It always takes which.
• 1:14:10
  Is what is going to guide us in this dunya and inshallah take us
• 1:14:13
  to Jenna and Hera inshallah. But if you are seeking to get
• 1:14:16
  married please, please please I get the subscription bro.
• 1:14:21
  Make that a new year. You want to get married or but a
• 1:14:24
  little lighter? I said.
• 1:14:24
  I. Said.
• 1:14:26
  That's the bottom line. That's the bottom.
• 1:14:27
  Line If you're chatting to a girl or chatting to a guy, make
• 1:14:30
  sure you. Get on that prayer, Matt.
• 1:14:31
  Going to sujood and ask a lot to make it easier for you 100% to
• 1:14:35
  make you not fall into. Maybe this time next year you'll
• 1:14:38
  be with the right person. Speak to your local Molana, go
• 1:14:41
  to your community and believe me, there is a million
• 1:14:44
  matchmakers in your community. They're hidden.
• 1:14:46
  You normally find them at weddings, by the way.
• 1:14:48
  You know, like Iraqi weddings. Because that's why people dress.
• 1:14:52
  Up the Iraqi weddings, like in the woman's side, they go to
• 1:14:57
  weddings so they can find brides for their sons.
• 1:15:01
  Like, normally that's what happens.
• 1:15:03
  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but everyone looks forward to a
• 1:15:06
  wedding because from that wedding there's going to be 10
• 1:15:08
  other weddings. We understand.
• 1:15:09
  And then you'll meet matchmakers there, you'll, you'll, you'll
• 1:15:12
  learn about other families there and you get to see them, yeah.
• 1:15:15
  And a mum can see a potential daughter-in-law, potential
• 1:15:19
  spouse, wife for you. Weddings, communities, yeah.
• 1:15:23
  But I think in Charlotte communities need to encourage
• 1:15:26
  the youth to get married and facilitate and arrange.
• 1:15:31
  I don't know, conferences, camps, things for the purpose of
• 1:15:34
  marriage, Yeah, yeah. Beside that we have 40 year olds
• 1:15:37
  still not married. Yeah, that's that's another
• 1:15:39
  conversation. All right, guys.
• 1:15:41
  Sorry. I know it was a longer one
• 1:15:42
  today, but we will be back next week.
• 1:15:45
  We have a special guest joining us next week, so stay tuned and
• 1:15:49
  yeah. And if you want to know my full
• 1:15:51
  opinion on the temporary marriage, there is an episode
• 1:15:53
  There is a temporary Marriage on the abuse of the.
• 1:15:55
  Marriage. All right, guys, we'll see you
• 1:15:57
  next week. Take care.