Latest / Rooted & Real With Keenan / The First Horseman: Criticism
Transcript
- Keenan: Divide. I don't know. Well, first off, hope you all had a great Labor Day. I apologize ahead of time that I didn't post this earlier. I was trying to relax. I was with my family. So hopefully I can keep this up. Keep it up. But my goal is to post this and edit it really quickly. So I can get it out there and you can hear it on the way home from work or after your nap. If you take nap, I don't know. So I know we would talk a lot about the Bible, but I sort of feel like that can go on for a really long time. So I want to talk about something that I think would benefit everybody listening. Welcome everybody for being here. Just so you guys know, I am not Gottman Train. What that is, is it's like a couples counseling modality that it's really popular. It's been proven really effective. I'm not Gottman Train. I'm a fan of it. but something I talk about a lot is it's called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Or four of the apocalypse of like marriage. So today We're actually going start a four-point series that I think is going to hit home for a lot of married couples listening or people thinking about getting married. We're talking about something relationship researchers, John and Julie Gottman call the four horsemen. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are four communication patterns that can become incredibly destructive. when they take over a relationship. And over the next four episodes, we're going to take them one at a time. But I just don't want to talk about psych what psychology tells us. I want to ask another question. What does this look like when we view marriage through the lens of scripture? Because if you're a Christian, marriage isn't simply about learning better communication. It's not about learning better communication techniques. It's about how we treat another person who is created In the image of God. It's about grace, humility, sacrifice, truth, forgiveness, responsibility, and learning how to love someone when loving them is not particularly easy. So today we're starting with the first horseman, criticism. So what is criticism? Right now, right away, we need to clarify something. Criticism Does not mean that you can never tell your spouse that you're unhappy about something. Healthy marriages still have complaints. Healthy marriages still have disagreements. Healthy marriages still have moments where one person says, Hey, this isn't working. The problem isn't having a complaint. The problem is when the complaint changes from being about something your spouse did to being about who your spouse is. Here's the difference. A complaint might sound like this. Hey, when you said you were going to take the trash out and didn't, I got frustrated because I was counting on you. Criticism sounds like this. You never do what I say, you never do what you say you're going to do. Or you're so irresponsible. Or I have to do everything around here because I can't depend on you. Notice what happened there. The conversation started with the trash bag. Now we're questioning the person's entire character. That's criticism. The problem is no longer you didn't take out the trash. The problem becomes there's something wrong with you. And that distinction matters tremendously. You always and you never is one of the easiest ways to recognize criticism, is when you start hearing things like hearing, things like that. Why can't you ever? What's wrong with you? You always. You never. You're just these phrases tend to move the conversation away from behavior and toward identity. And once somebody feels like their identity is being attacked, something very predictable usually happens. They stop listening to the actual concern. Instead, their brain starts defending them. They're no longer thinking. My spouse is frustrated because I forgot something. They start thinking, my that my spouse thinks I'm a terrible husband, or she thinks I'm selfish, or he thinks I'm a terrible mother, or no matter what I do, it's never good enough. And now we aren't solving the original problem anymore. We're fighting over whether I'm a good person. Here's what I want, here's where I want to give people grace. Most criticism. Don't start because somebody wakes up in the morning thinking, How can I emotionally attack my spouse today? Usually criticism comes from something much deeper. It's sus sometimes it's frustration, sometimes it's exhaustion, sometimes it's loneliness, it could be resentment that's been building for six months. Sometimes you've asked for the same thing 15 different times, and now you're angry. Sometimes the thought underneath criticism is. I don't think you care. Or I don't think I matter to you. Or I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing this alone. Or why do I have to ask you again? From a CVT perspective, that is important because our emotional reaction isn't just coming from what happened. It's also coming from the meaning we attach to what happened. Your spouse forgot to text you. That's the event. But the automatic thought might be, I'm not important to them. And once that thought gets activated, you're probably not going to say, Hey, I felt a little hurt when I didn't hear from you. You're more likely to say, Of course you didn't text me. You only think about yourself. And now we've gone from hurt to interpretation to accusation. This is where Christianity challenges us in a very uncomfortable way, because scripture repeatedly teaches us. That our words matter. Proverbs 1821 says this. It teaches us that your tongue carries the power of life and death. Ephesians 4 29 tells believers to avoid corrupting or destructive speech, and instead use words that build others up according to what they need. James 1 19 tells us that to be quick to listen, slow to anger, and slow to speak. These passages weren't written specifically as marriage counseling techniques, but think about how they apply directly to marriage here. The person who hears more of your words than almost anybody else in your life is usually your spouse. And sometimes we show more restraint with co-workers, church members, acquaintances, and just complete strangers than we show with the person we vowed to love. We would never look at a coworker and say, You're useless. We probably wouldn't look at somebody in church and go, You screw everything up. But somehow behind the closed doors of marriage, people begin saying things to each other that they would be embarrassed for anybody else to hear. And I think scripture forces us to ask, what are my words producing in my marriage? Are they producing life? Are they producing shame? Are they creating safety? Are they creating fear? Are they create are they correcting a problem? Or are they tearing down a person? There's something else Christians need to remember. Marriage creates this incredible intimate relationship where two imperfect people are trying to build a life together. Genesis talks about husbands and wife becoming one flesh. That's a level of closeness that naturally exposes. Weakness. You will see parts of your spouse that nobody else sees. Their insecurity, their selfishness, their laziness, their fears, their immaturity, their bad habits. And guess what? They're going to see yours too. Marriage puts two sinners close enough together that eventually you're going to discover exactly the other person's rough edges are. And that's where marriage can become either a place of growth or a place of destruction. Because once you know someone's weaknesses, you know exactly where to hit them. You know what they're sensitive about. You know what makes them insecure. You know the words that will hurt. And that's why Christian marriages require restraint. Love doesn't mean pretending problems don't exist, but love does mean. Refusing to weaponize someone's vulnerabilities against them. now somebody listening to me or listening to this might say, Keenan, what if what I'm saying is true? Maybe your husband is actually responsible with money. Maybe your wife really is consistently late. Maybe your spouse has promised to change something 50 times and hasn't. Here's the uncomfortable truth. Something can be true and still be communicated destructively. Biblical love is not pretending everything is fine. Ephesians talks about speaking truth, but it also talks about speaking the truth in love. Truth without love can become cruelty. Love without truth can become avoidance. Healthy marriages require both. You can say this behavior is hurting me. You can also say this has to change. You can establish boundaries. You can have difficult conversations. You can confront sinful or unhealthy behavior. But there's a huge difference between saying this behavior needs to change and saying you're a terrible person. One creates an opportunity for repentance and repair, the other produces shame and defensiveness. So Gottman talks about an antidote to criticism called a gentle startup. In simple terms, how you start the conversation matters. Instead of attacking your spouse's character, describe what happened, explain how you feel, and communicate what you need. A very simple framework is something like this. I feel blank when blank happens and I need blank. Instead of you never helped me with the kids. Try this. I've been feeling overwhelmed in the evenings, and I really need us to divide bedtime responsibilities more evenly. Instead of you don't care about our marriage, try this. I've been feeling disconnected lately and really miss spending intentional time together. Instead of you're terrible with money, try this. I've been feeling anxious about our spending, and I need us to sit down together and make a plan. Notice something there. None of those statements are weak. They're actually incredibly direct, but they're direct about the problem rather than attacking the person. So imagine this: a husband tells his wife, I'll load the dishwasher tonight. The next morning, the dishes are still sitting there. She walks into the kitchen and sees them. Immediately her thought is, Of course, he never follows through. Another thought might be. I have to do everything. Then he doesn't respect me. By the time she sees him, she's already having an argument with him in her head. She says, thanks for doing the dishes like you promised. I don't even know why I ever believe you when you say you're going to help. Now, what do you think happens there? He's probably not going to say, you know what? Great point. He's going to defend himself. I was exhausted. I worked all day. You you could have done it. I do plenty around here. And suddenly the dishwasher isn't even part of the conversation anymore. Now they're arguing about who does more, who's more tired, who's more selfish, and who appreciates whom less. But imagine she instead said this. Hey, when I saw the dishes this morning, I felt frustrated because I was counting on you to handle them. Could you please make sure they're done tonight? Same problem. Completely different conversation. Now, here's the hard part of that though. Gentle communication sounds great when you're calm. It gets much harder when you're furious. And that's when the emotional regulation matters. sometimes the most Christ-like things. You can do during an argument is simply not say the first thing that comes to your mind. Not every thought deserves a microphone, not every emotion needs immediate expression. And self-control does not mean suppressing your emotions, it means deciding how you're going to express them. Galatians lists self-control as part of the fruit of the spirit. That includes what comes out of our mouths when we're angry. You can be angry and still choose your words. You can be hurt and still refuse to humiliate someone. You can confront someone and still respect their dignity. Here's another thing criticism often exposes. Sometimes we've quietly turned our marriages into a competition. Who works harder? Who sacrifices more? Who makes more mistakes? Who apologizes first? Who forgot what? Who was right last time? And when marriage becomes a courtroom, every conversation becomes a trial. You're collecting evidence. You're building your case. You're trying to prove I'm right and you're the problem. But marriage was never designed to be two lawyers trying to convict each other. You're supposed to be on the same team. The goal of conflict should be, should not be, how do I defeat you? The goal should be how do we understand what's happening between us and solve it together. Sometimes the healthiest sentence you can say during an argument is this. I'm not against you. I want us to figure this out. Husbands, let me push you a little bit. When your wife brings something up to you, do you immediately hear it as disrespect? Because sometimes she isn't saying you're terrible, husbands. Sometimes she might be saying, I'm overwhelmed or I miss you. I need help. I don't feel prioritized. If you interpret every concern as an attack, you're going to miss the vulnerability underneath it. And so, wives, let me push you too. When you're frustrated with your husband, are you addressing the behavior? Or have you started making statements about his character? There's a big difference between I need more help and you're lazy. There's a difference between I don't feel heard and You don't care about anybody anybody but yourself. One communicates pain, the other communicates contempt for who he is. Christian marriage isn't about never being angry. Your s it isn't about pretending your spouse is perfect and certainly isn't about avoiding hard conversations. Christian marriage is learning how to pursue truth without abandoning love. It means remembering even when I'm disappointed with my spouse, even when I'm frustrated, even when they've made a mistake, even when they're in conflict, this person is still worthy of dignity. This person is still someone I vowed to love. Or you vowed to love. Husbands, wives. You vowed to love each other. And ultimately, this person belongs to God before they belong to me or they belong to you. Try this this week. Here's your challenges for this week. Pay attention to your language. Specifically listen for the things like this. You always, you never. You're so blank. What's wrong with you? And when you catch yourself starting there, stop, pause, hit the brakes, take whatever criticism you're about to make and turn it into three things. What happened? How do I feel? What do I need? So instead of you never listen to me. Try this. When I'm talking and you're looking at your phone, I feel dismissed. You can put it down for a few minutes so we can talk. That's what's come out like a question. Can you put it down for a few minutes so we can talk? Instead of, you don't care about spending time with me. Try this. I've been missing you lately. Could we plan some time together this week? A small shift can completely change the direction of a conversation. So criticism says, you're the problem. Healthy communication says, we have a problem. Let's work on it together. And I think that's so much more faithful picture of a marriage. Two imperfect people learning, growing, repenting, forgiving, and choosing again and again to treat each other with grace and with truth. The next episode we're going to talk about the second horseman and probably the most dangerous one: contempt, sarcasm, mocking, eye rolling, disrespect. That subtle message that says, I'm better than you. And we're gonna talk about what happens when frustration turns into something deeper. When you begin losing respect for the person you love. Until next time, stay rooted, stay real. Pay attention to the words to the person you're building a marriage with. If this episode was good for you, please share it with somebody. We could use a rating, five stars. if anybody needs counseling, feel free to reach out. Stay rooted, stay real, and I'll see you next time.