Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep15: Elephant in the Room: Unplugged 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep15: Elephant in the Room: Unplugged 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh shit, thank you for coming.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Look, man, try your best to have a good time.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Try your best.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying have a good time, because that's not necessarily what's gonna happen.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: But try your best.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Alright?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not no asshole, but sometimes I mess up, man.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I try to love people, man.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I swear to you.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a loving person, but sometimes things happen.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm watching, look, man, now I'm watching uh the worst floods on TV in the history of America in North Carolina.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I'm watching the news and they had rednecks on TV just, you know, just you know, you know, drowning, you know, and and they were being interviewed on the news, you know, like, god damn it, I I lost everything.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: We tried to stack we tried to stack sandbags on top of each other.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: But it didn't work.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: The water just overtook our efforts and I lost I lost everything.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: My my dog died.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I I didn't know what to do and I and I swear man, I'm not no asshole.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: I I I I started crying, you know.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: I you know I cr I cried because I cause I cause I couldn't give a fuck.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I tried my best.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: I really did.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh Jesus.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a fuck.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with me?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's painful.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: But let me tell you something, man.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing about why I said try and have a good time.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because uh when you get adult, all you could do is try to have a good time.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Remember the good old days when you was a kid and you seen somebody with a funny shaped head, and you pointed right at the head, like it was nothing in you to stop from pointing at that funny head that made you, oh jeez, look at that funny shaped head right there.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't that bullshit in you to stop, you know, like like now we adults, you got you still want to point at a funny shaped head, but now you I I can't, I can't point at someone's funny head.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: But your first feeling is your real feeling.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: You understand?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: That other shit is you trying to trick God somehow into thinking you're you're a wonderful person, you know what I'm saying?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: But that first feeling of look at that big funny head, that's the that's the real.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm watching uh a talk show, they had the thousand-pound man on, right?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh he was a thousand pounds.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: That was it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm 300 pounds, so that means this dude was three of me and uh another dude with pneumonia.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: And he was he was just laying there.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's what he was doing.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: That was his job, just to be on the show and just with his big uh 9X uh t-shirt he had on, and he was just and and people were in the audience crying.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: They were just you know, oh my God.
• 4:07
  unknown: Oh my god.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: He's he's a thousand pounds.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: W what happened?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly, he ate.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: He ate till he couldn't move no more.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: You don't catch a thousand pounds.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody stick you with a dirty needle, give you a thousand pounds, you you eat.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's a half a ton.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's a now I did my research.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: A half a ton is a baby uh killer whale or a full-grown sea lion is a thousand pounds.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: We kill horses for less.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: For a burnt anchor, we'll shoot a horse.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: But we let this dude grow till he's just useless.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I got rules to my fatness, right?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is my rule.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: If I get, this is my thing.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: If if I eat, and that's why I'm gonna kill myself, because I'm taking up too much of your air and too much of your space.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: If under my stomach I start to grow an ass in the in the front, I'm gonna kill myself because I know that I'm not gonna lose and do what I have to do to lose an ass in the front.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm having trouble getting rid of the real stomach.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: I can't, I'm not gonna exercise to remove an ass.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: This dude, you're not supposed to be gonna turn your drawers backwards because it fits better.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Your drawers fit better because the ass is the ass is nicer.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: You see people like that with an ass in the front.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, whatever, right?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: But this dude, he had titties everywhere on his.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Am I lying to you?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: On his neck, on his shoulders, his elbows, and I'm I could I could, I was getting horny.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Watch.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I would, I would, I was sitting there like, and you know you don't want to, but I'm like, man, this is full of tits.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Look at this chick.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: God is hilarious.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: He gave me a disease where I could die from all the stuff I like to eat.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: The doctor didn't go, uh, uh, Mr.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: O'Neill, uh, if you ever eat Brussels sprouts and spinach again, you could die.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my, oh my God, no.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: All the shit I'd like, I could pass away from.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: A pack of cookies could kill me.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now I found out five years ago I was diabetic, so you figure I haven't eaten cookies in in five years.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: But it's not the case.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm walking through the I'm walking through the supermarket and I see uh some white chocolate covered Oreos.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's death.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: You understand?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's heroin and and and coke and everything for me.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you figure I'll walk right by, like, what the fuck is this?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: This is, this is, I could die from this.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Who put this display here?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: But it's not, I'm not, I'm sitting there, I'm I'm shaking, I'm I you know, I'm praying to God.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm praying to God for the strength.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm wasting a good prayer not to eat cookies.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not praying that people in Africa get get food.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh God, please, please give me the strength not to eat these cookies.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm lactose intolerant, but if I eat these cookies, I gotta have some milk.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I got to.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm you know, but I don't want to die, but you know, you gotta tell yourself something to make you feel better.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know what?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need both my feet.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: One day I'm gonna lose weight.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's harder when you get older.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: When you get older, it's harder to lose weight, man, because uh, you know, uh uh now I have to lose weight to stay alive, you know?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not enough motivation for me.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Look, you gotta lose weight or you're gonna die.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, shit.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: When I was younger, it was easier because the motivation was different.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Pussy.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: When I when I was trying to when you try to drop a feel to get some pussy, you did everything you could.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: You was Rocky when you was trying to get some pussy.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: And because you get when you're younger, man, the whole thing, it's it's and I say, you know, look, no offense, I say pussy, right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you were young in high school, you wasn't trying to get, you know, vagina.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: You was you trying to get some pussy.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta get some pussy.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: So you try your best to just, you know.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I tried everything, man.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, everything in the world.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to look at guys, role models, the dudes with my role model who got girls, they were good at it.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Meaning they got girls, it wasn't even an effort.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like if your name is Tony, girls could not.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is the sign where you're one of those dudes, girls can't just go, hello.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: They gotta sing your name, but they have to.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, Tony, you know, and I'm sitting there like, damn.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: I just do Tony High School, he'd get dates.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: He would get a date.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: I swear to you, I used to watch him like a hawk.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: He'll smack a girl in the back of the neck.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: And she'd be like, ouch, you wanna fucking look back and be like, Tony, why?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: Why you hit me in the back of the neck, then you wanna go to movies?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, why when?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: When when you get paid.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I used to be in the back watching them, looking.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, yeah.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you get that's how you get girls.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Smack them in the back of the fucking neck.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: What was I thinking?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I used to do all type of shit.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was poetry man.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: I used to write poetry to get a girl out, you know, and the pictures, the pictures too.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like if I, you know, if I wrote I I Cherish You, I would I would draw a chair plus-ish.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: An eyeball.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I draw an eyeball and a chair.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's so cute.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, look at that.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's wonderful.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: But this new shit, I'm like, eh, girl.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: But whatever he did, that wasn't my shit.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't go like it.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: You ever watch the original Frankenstein?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: And uh the little girl, he was playing with this little girl, and the little girl had a flower and she threw in the water and it floated.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: And Frankenstein just was like, And he took her and threw her in the water, but she sunk.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: And he's just like, he getting burned and shit with torches.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's me hitting girls in the back of the neck.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was anxious.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: And it just, you know, I always find a way to hit her in the part of the neck that makes her fall in a coma and smash her face open.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, eh.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Women bring all type of stress to the motherfucker, right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all come on, stop, stop.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Damn.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Women don't want to be sex objects.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Reconsider.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: From time to time.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: Reconsider.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because it helps us.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: It helps guys.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: It helps us out of this violent street we got, guys.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: They just get violent.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Anytime I'm getting violent, I see a woman with a nice ass, that shit calms me down.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: And it brings men together because a nice ass is almost, it's some kind of thing with men have with a nice ass.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: You can't enjoy a nice ass by yourself.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: If you see a nice ass alone, it's the weird, it's no good.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: You can't.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: You need somebody else.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're looking, but you start looking for somebody else.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I've been all over the world, man.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: White guys have a signal for nice ass.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't even involve verbal contact.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like you don't want to talk to me, but you want to enjoy a woman's ass with me.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: So you're just very careful.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is a universal white guy's signal for nice ass.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Woman walks by.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: Don't confuse that with nice titties.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Nice titties is a I turn into a ventriloquist when I see a nice ass.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, God damn! Oh shit.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all can help us, well, ladies.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling I'm serious.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: But we got we got that violent street shit.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's the strangest thing.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: You ever get violent for nothing?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: For no reason?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that a weirdest feeling?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Standing next to somebody at the bus stop and saw some dude you don't know, you look at him, you're like hey man, how you doing?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: You look back, hey, good, good.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: And you look back again, your brain's like, hey, hey, you know, that'd be a good time for you to punch him in the side of the fucking head.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: And you like, what?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: To yourself?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck are you talking about?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: And you only wanna punch him because he's standing there, not ready to get punched.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you're just like, oh man, you gotta punch him in his head.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: This dude, he's disrespecting you, man.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: This dude ain't paranoid enough.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta punch him in the side of his head to let him know that there's people out there that'll punch him in his head.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: He he not even he not even using his peripheral.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: He ain't even scared of you.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: You should punch him and let him know.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: You better be scared of me, motherfucker.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: You don't just stand there and not pay attention to the fact that I want to punch inside of your head.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta be paranoid of people out there, man.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta look, look just like this.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let people guilt you into death.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: I see Arabs on the train, I watch them.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand me?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: If they got bags and shit and they get up and walk away, I hey, hey, hey, you left your bag, man.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: You left your left your bag, sir.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: You left your bag.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mean I left you left your fucking bag?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's garbage.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know, get your bag.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: Because it might be a bomb.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: I don't trust you.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm watching you.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: White guys are good for that shit.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all are good for that guilty shit, that's your punishment for racism, guilt.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: White guys are so afraid to be a racist.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: You see a few black guys walking towards you in an area you don't belong in, run.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: But you can't run.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: See black guys coming out.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to assume that these young men are gonna beat me in my face.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want anybody accusing me of racism.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: So they gotta wait to get beat up first before they can even think about running.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: My advice, run, get home, feel guilty, but be alive.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Alive and guilty is a good thing.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I see five bald white dudes walking towards me, I ain't gonna wonder if they got cancer.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go, don't look like skinheads.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting the fuck out of here.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not gonna come back, even if they pretend they got cancer, oh dude, oh no, don't run, dude.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: We got cancer, we was all coming from chemotherapy classes over here, and and and and they just thought we were strong enough to get, you know, and I'm I'm still I'm not running, I'm get I'm not no.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because that could be the old cancer hanger nigga trick.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I go back, I go back, hey you guys alright?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Get him! Oh I fell for the cancer hanger nigga.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: I get paranoid delusions all the time about going to prison for shit I didn't do.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like white women make me very nervous.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: And not not now, because as witnesses, but I'm talking about at night, white woman's walking towards me and she could be nervous, you know.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_02: Oh Jesus.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, getting that fantasy going, oh my big black guy.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: I hope he doesn't.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: Hope he doesn't grab me.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm thinking the same thing, like, oh Jesus.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: I hope nobody kills this white lady because I'm gonna get blamed for this shit.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: I keep my receipts.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: I collect receipts because it's a trail of where I've been during the day, during the week.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's the time, it's a date, it's a place of where I've been, and I don't go more than a half hour without buying some shit.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: Ever.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: But you can kill somebody and then make it back to where you gotta be in a half hour.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: So every 15 minutes I buy something.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: A candy bar, whatever.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, can I get a candy bar?
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, thanks.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Can I get the receipt?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: I a receipt for a candy bar?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: I I need my receipt, man.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a receipt for candy, man.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I need my receipt.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: No receipt.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: Give me my give me my receipt! I don't have receipt! And then I don't really need it because now we're arguing, and he remembers me.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, I'm like, fuck you.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck you two! What time is it?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: 515! Alright, alright, good.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I gotta go.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: Remember my face, asshole.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: I will! Yeah, that's right.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Remember his fucking face.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Remember this take a look.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I don't litter.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't I don't throw garbage in the street ever.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: And not because I care about the earth, but I'm afraid I'm gonna be walking through the park drinking the soda when I'm done.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'd throw that shit away to fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman's head with my fingerprints on the fucking can.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm the Pepsi Cola rapist because I'm fucking lazy.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's just my look.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Land right on the head, look like evidence, it sits there.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: The chances of that can't landing right there are 85 million to one.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: You are.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, come the fuck on, man.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's why it's good to have a girlfriend, man.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's good.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, women are the best, man.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: My girl, we at this point now, though.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: I love my girl, but we at this point, it's like we we've been together a long time, we're not married.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: And uh we went from early 20s together to 30s.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's good for me.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: But for her now, she's panicking because we don't have kids, and she's like, I gotta have a baby or I don't have any any eggs left.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: All my eggs are they're no good.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta hurry up.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I gotta listen to her panic, and I don't know what to do, you know?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because I, you know, I I my sperm still comes out.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I still ejaculate, but it don't come out like when I was 18.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: I felt the difference from now to when I was when I was 18.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: That shit came out with purpose and anger.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, you know, my fucking sperm was like, you know, and you know, where the motherfucking egg at?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: Where's the egg?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to get somebody pregnant.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: And her egg was young and didn't want to be pregnant, you know, a little scared.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh my god, you know, hiding in the uterus, telling, telling all the lesbian eggs, tell him tell him not here.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: She's not here.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you why don't you just leave her alone and why don't you just leave?
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: Stop stalking her, man.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: The fuck out the way.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to get somebody pregnant! I mean, now it still come out, but I know the shit ain't like it used to be, you know, because um you see me, I ain't moved a muscle.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, now shit comes out like uh uh uh low two twenty-seven, please report to the tip of the dick.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Low two twenty-seven, please report to the tip of the dick for for attempted pregnancy, thank you.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now my sperm's like, hi, anybody, hey, anybody around?
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: Her egg is angry, knitting a sweater.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: I think I masturbated all my real good sperm away anyway.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, all I got left really are some fucking bank tellers and a couple of security guards left in my sperm.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: All the real good citizens are jerked off, man.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: I've been jerking off in a shower, so I'm surprised a baby hasn't crawled out the drain yet.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: Ever watch porn?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: Never?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: I just introduced we introduced porn, you know, to our relationship.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: I wash hers, she washed mine, you know, the porn that turns her on, and you know.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: It was interesting, you know.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: Some woman's dove flew out the window and and the woman's like, oh my god, my favorite dove.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: And then it was a knock on the door, you know, some dude, you know, is this your dove?
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: I found your dove.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: It was flying around and it came to me.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, that means my dove came right to your aurus.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, whoa, come in.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: Please, please, come into my dove room and you know, let it go.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it's all doves and shit flying in the room, and there's no dove shit, you know.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's a beautiful dove room, and it's a lot of slow motion shots, and it's a lot of wind.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, wow, if you like, wow, that turns you on, you don't love mine.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever, right?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: I put in my favorite tape, people fucking volume one, and I put it in, hey, uh, and she's just like, ugh, what the f do you know these people?
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, oh shit.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, I gotta go.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I felt bad until we ended up having sex later on that night.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, we ended up doing everything on the tape, stuff we never did before, and I don't discourage her when she does new stuff.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh uh she likes her nipples pinched really hard, you know.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes to reach for mine, and you know, I I got, you know.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because you don't want to be no punk during sex pain.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: You want to take it, but you go, oh, ooh.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck no, don't do that.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: But this one was so violent, I couldn't even, I couldn't let her do it no more.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: She just started boom flicking my nuts.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: Boom! Boom.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I was trying to take it, but I couldn't.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to reach for some.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh shit.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: All right, stop, stop! And it was my fault, right?
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because she saw the dude on the porno tape getting his nuts flicked, and he, you know, he enjoyed it because he had professional porno nuts.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: He, you know, he boom! BAM! Go ahead, punch him.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: The best thing I ever seen on a porno tape in my life, this is the very, this is, I swear to you, the best thing, nothing can beat it.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I this dude is having sex with this girl, and he looks at her and goes, hey, hey, hey, start counting down from a 30.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, 30, 29, 20, you know, she starts you know messing up numbers.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: 42.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, I forgot.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: And he just goes like this.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, that's okay.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just start all over.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm like, what is he doing?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sitting there watching, it's not even a porn no more, it's a real movie, it's a mystery thriller now.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like this.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: And she started going, 15, 40, 40, it took an hour and a half.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: She finally gets to one! When she gets to one, he pulls out and comes right on cue.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: I gave him a standing ovation.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh my God.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: Did anybody see that?
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's dick control, that's power.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: You look at your girl and go, hey, hey, pick a number.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, why?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's when I'm gonna come.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: A thousand.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: And if you can go 999, I tried with my girl like the next day after I saw it, and it's like, yeah, baby, stop counting down.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: From from from three.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: Hurry up, hurry up.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_01: Two, four.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: That was magic, was it?
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: Look, why do you hang off?
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want no evidence.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um look, thanks again, man.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'll take care.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, man.