Latest / INSPIRE STORY / Beyond Blunderdome (Season 2_ Episode 2)

Transcript

Beyond Blunderdome (Season 2_ Episode 2) · INSPIRE STORY

0:07
Speaker 1: Hello, anyone in here? Oh, mister cheesers, What the heck
0:17
did he do to you? Let's get you out of
0:19
that tank? Here you go, that's better. Why did you
0:28
get out of here before he returns? Hello? Beautiful? You're
0:38
looking well today? Feed me okay, okay, one second? Why
0:43
you are getting big? Aren't you? Feed me? I brought
0:47
you a couple pounds of protein pancakes.
0:49
Speaker 2: Feed me blood? What did you say?
0:52
Speaker 1: Feed me? Eureka? It worked? I don't believe it, Dad,
1:08
Where did you come from? Also? Have you been messing
1:11
with my plants? Junior? You're alive? That's not my name?
1:15
And yes, I'm alive. Why do you sound surprised? Oh?
1:18
Let me look at you? Your face, your skin, ef
1:22
I scene looks exactly like it's supposed to. Tell me?
1:25
Do you have any memories from before thirty seconds ago?
1:30
Speaker 2: Yes?
1:32
Speaker 1: Okay, Dad, calm down and tell me what kind of
1:35
crazy is going on right now? Was the last time?
1:37
I'm not crazy? I'm mad? Get it right? Words matter? Okay, son,
1:44
come miss me. I want to show you my newest invention.
1:49
Speaker 2: Tada.
1:52
Speaker 1: I hate to tell you this, dad, but someone already
1:54
invented this. I read about it. In ancient history, it's
1:57
a telephone booth. Early Americans used it as a torture
1:59
device by stuffing as many people inside of it as possible. Yes,
2:02
we all know that. I repurposed it into a teleportation machine.
2:07
Need how does it work? I'm so glad you asked.
2:10
Originally it made an exact copy of whatever of us
2:13
inside and put that copy at a second location, then
2:16
destroyed the original. Oh my god, that's not ideal. Yes,
2:20
I know, but I figured out a workaround so it
2:23
does not require as a teleporty to die. Come let
2:26
me show you. I am not getting inside that thing
2:28
after what you just said. Hmmm, son, do you remember
2:35
when you were a child and didn't want to eat
2:38
your vegetables? Do you remember how I convinced you to
2:41
give him a cry? You held a gun to my
2:43
head and told me you'd kill me if I didn't
2:45
need them. And look at you now, perfectly healthy more
2:48
or less. What's your point? Oh, get in ziboof Junior.
2:56
That's not my name. Well, fine, just put the gun away.
3:01
I'll get inside.
3:03
Speaker 3: What are you doing?
3:04
Speaker 1: Scoot over, I'm coming with you. I feel the need
3:09
to reconfirm this device isn't gonna obliterate us. No, no,
3:13
I would never do that to myself. You see, the
3:15
secret is I reversed the polarity of the Google argle
3:19
bargle proto photoscope flow. Wait, you reverse the polarity of
3:24
the Google argle bargle proto photoscope flow.
3:26
Speaker 3: That's what I said.
3:27
Speaker 1: But that means you're treating everything outside the phone booth.
3:31
What gets the inside of the phone booth and vice
3:34
versa correct air? Go then I press this button?
3:38
Speaker 3: No, what have you done? I just erasced every single
3:47
thing in all of existence?
3:48
Speaker 4: See the ultimate.
3:49
Speaker 1: Doomsday Eppen, All matter in the universe converted into energy.
3:52
Speaker 3: We have the last things remaining in all of reality.
3:56
Speaker 1: Why would you do this? Why? Why?
4:00
Speaker 3: How do he climbs the mountain? How do we licksy bread?
4:04
Speaker 4: How did we sneak into.
4:05
Speaker 3: The panda enclosure at the zoo? Because Junior, that's not my.
4:09
Speaker 1: Name, Because it's fun My god, you really are insane.
4:16
I'm not insane. I'm mad.
4:19
Speaker 3: What's the difference.
4:22
Speaker 1: If I were insane? I'm out of the Program's a
4:25
machine to use the energy Google identification field as a
4:28
deconstructed matter to create an exact, perfect replica of everything
4:33
it destroyed.
4:34
Speaker 3: See Sonny not my name. All I have to do
4:37
is press.
4:37
Speaker 1: This little button and it will instantly recreate everything that
4:42
first destroyed.
4:44
Speaker 3: God did it in seven days. But a slacker, am I? Right?
4:48
Speaker 1: Just press the button already? You see, everything looks exactly
4:58
as the way it did before. The entire universe PRANDU.
5:01
But it looks and feels and tastes just like the
5:04
old one. Granted there may be some small differences, but
5:09
nothing you'll ever notice. I'm sure. Why are we in
5:12
a different place? Ah, they're not. I simply rebuilt all
5:16
of existence about ten feet over to the side. For
5:19
all intents and purposes, it looks like we teleported ten
5:22
feet Genius, aren't I? Now I have one question for you.
5:27
Would you like to go for another ride? I think
5:30
I'm going to be sick?
5:40
Speaker 2: Not difference.
5:52
Speaker 5: Meanwhile, in the future.
5:56
Speaker 2: It's not starting.
5:59
Speaker 6: Try blowing up on it.
6:06
Speaker 7: Someone keeping their dust collection in here? Hey the light
6:10
came off.
6:11
Speaker 6: Oh good, we can get the trial underway.
6:14
Speaker 1: Trial. I thought you were gonna just interrogate us.
6:17
Speaker 8: It's much more efficient to combine them.
6:20
Speaker 1: What are we even on trial for?
6:22
Speaker 6: We'll find out for the prosecution. I'll pick the amusing
6:33
blonde lawyer. My hair color is not a reflection of
6:37
my intellectual potential. Would pick maybe amusing Italian lawyer.
6:43
Speaker 3: I'm funny how I mean funny, like I'm a cloud.
6:47
Speaker 4: I amuse you. I make you laugh.
6:51
Speaker 1: Shouldn't we get to pick the defense lawyer? Why would
6:54
we get to bed because we're the defendants.
6:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he has the controller.
6:59
Speaker 1: Thunderclops, you're lawyer, aren't you?
7:01
Speaker 8: That's right?
7:02
Speaker 1: Can't thunderclass represent us?
7:03
Speaker 2: WHOA not a good idea?
7:05
Speaker 6: That is not advisable.
7:06
Speaker 9: Jeez, guy, everyone knows you don't act as your own
7:09
legal representation, even if you are a fantastic lawyer.
7:14
Speaker 1: I just thought it might be better than a video game.
7:16
Speaker 2: Care I didn't know why I locked simple country lawyer.
7:20
I must I say, I must object to this line
7:23
question it.
7:24
Speaker 1: I don't understand why we're being tried by a video game.
7:27
Speaker 7: Way back when the Emperor's legal system got real.
7:30
Speaker 6: Byzantine, at one point, you needed approval from three appellate
7:33
courts to appoint a single jury member. So Emperor and
7:36
Esli the Eighth abolish due process, which.
7:38
Speaker 7: Did simplify things, but a few centuries past, and well
7:43
things got a little out of control.
7:45
Speaker 6: By then, everyone who had ever been a lawyer was
7:47
long dead. The only legal reference we had was this
7:49
ancient courtroom simulator video game.
7:52
Speaker 9: I learned everything I know from puniy Damages.
7:56
Speaker 2: I'm ready if you are, mom bought.
7:58
Speaker 6: Court is now in session.
8:01
Speaker 4: M hmmm, bobus corpses objecked cider.
8:25
Speaker 2: Is this just a fighting game?
8:27
Speaker 6: We're fighting to see who gets to cross examine you first.
8:31
Speaker 1: But the defendant doesn't have to. Ah, what was that?
8:34
Speaker 6: Now that court is in session, anytime you speak out
8:36
of turn or contradict the court, the contempt of court
8:38
buzzer will jolt you with a brief but intense electric shock.
8:41
Speaker 1: You mean I can't as a lawyer.
8:44
Speaker 3: I'm not sure.
8:46
Speaker 2: I would have tried fuck the police?
8:51
Speaker 1: How come I did an electric k God damn it.
8:58
Speaker 5: Meanwhile, somewhere else, I want to say, like maybe another
9:03
sector of the same nebula by the like color and things,
9:06
but it's hard to tell.
9:08
Speaker 1: Power on the wings before the supreme leader of the multiverse,
9:12
Emperor Zod.
9:26
Speaker 4: Figures with the glorious.
9:27
Speaker 2: Food almost divide Mburg. Please press a red hot brand,
9:31
but you're insignia in the softest part of my flesh.
9:36
Speaker 10: Put him and his entire family in the gulag dimension.
9:40
Speaker 6: Oh oh what men who.
9:47
Speaker 10: We really need to do something about this imperial fetishism thing.
9:52
Speaker 2: It's giving me.
9:53
Speaker 11: I'll look into the matter of my emperor.
9:55
Speaker 10: So this is the mother ship?
9:58
Speaker 2: Oh sorry, yeah?
9:59
Speaker 4: Me.
10:00
Speaker 5: Meanwhile, right on the other side of the mothership, Now,
10:04
where's my special surprise?
10:07
Speaker 6: You are the preparations for a emperor complete. Of course
10:11
we prepared them.
10:15
Speaker 10: What in the multiverses going on?
10:17
Speaker 6: Sorry, let me fix that.
10:19
Speaker 11: Are you playing a record? Wasn't the technology rendered obsolete
10:24
millennia ago?
10:25
Speaker 6: I like vinyl.
10:26
Speaker 1: We have implants in our auditory cortices that can perfectly
10:30
replicate the sound of a live orchestra.
10:32
Speaker 6: Yeah, but vinyl sounds so warm.
10:34
Speaker 2: I get it.
10:35
Speaker 10: People are like, why don't you use the flesh flare
10:38
five thousand torture spies. But there's something so satisfying about
10:44
thumbscrews and the rag.
10:49
Speaker 6: You were saying, Oh, yeah, the stadium is ready, and
10:52
the Emperor can feast upon space stakes while you wait
10:54
for the festivities to.
10:55
Speaker 2: Begin the stadium.
10:58
Speaker 10: Ooh, is this what I think it?
11:00
Speaker 1: Is take the Emperor to the stadium.
11:02
Speaker 11: I'll be there shortly.
11:03
Speaker 6: Follow me, my lord, your space takes the weight.
11:07
Speaker 10: I'm so excited. It's a gladiatorial deathmatch, isn't it. Will
11:12
I get to choose the fate of the victor.
11:14
Speaker 7: I'm sure you will.
11:17
Speaker 6: Okay.
11:17
Speaker 11: Where are the prisoners?
11:18
Speaker 6: They should be ready? Number three?
11:23
Speaker 12: Stop Stabbingham, You're already guard to be fighting to the death.
11:26
Can't you wait ten minutes?
11:28
Speaker 10: Uh?
11:29
Speaker 6: Everything? Okay?
11:31
Speaker 13: Oh?
11:31
Speaker 12: Hey, well, I got them all in one room. There
11:34
were too many for the conference room, so I rounded
11:36
them up in cargo bay. Bull how many eighty?
11:40
Speaker 2: Wow?
11:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, give or take.
11:46
Speaker 11: I'll need help unloading the weapons from our ship.
11:48
Speaker 6: Oh we have weapons.
11:50
Speaker 1: Not the right kind.
11:51
Speaker 6: You heard the Emperor. He likes them old fashioned.
11:58
Speaker 5: Okay, okay this time. Meanwhile, a few rooms down in
12:03
the interrogationarium, thunderclops.
12:06
Speaker 6: Dearie, why did you board the Imperial Scout vessel.
12:10
Speaker 8: To install mildware in its operating system?
12:14
Speaker 6: And why would you want to go and do a
12:16
thing like that?
12:17
Speaker 8: A little girl told us too.
12:19
Speaker 6: What happened to the crew of the vessel E Wesseley?
12:23
Speaker 9: I don't know, but if I had to guess, I
12:25
would say they were brutally murdered.
12:28
Speaker 6: When the vessel returned to the mothership. Did someone disable
12:32
the automation chip?
12:33
Speaker 8: Yep, that was me.
12:35
Speaker 6: Oh no, Why did you do that?
12:38
Speaker 8: Because Guy told me to?
12:40
Speaker 6: You answered all the questions. I'm so proud of you.
12:44
Speaker 4: Thank you.
12:45
Speaker 6: Now I have some questions for Guy. According to Thunderclops,
12:49
you deliberately sabotage an Imperial spacecraft after disposing of its crew.
12:53
What can you say for yourself in the face of
12:55
this damning testimony?
12:56
Speaker 1: Sup, we didn't know there was malware.
12:58
Speaker 6: When a rantia jurist non X cues at, ignorance of
13:01
the law excuses not And by that same logic, does
13:04
an ignorance of your own motives fail to exonerate your action? What?
13:08
Speaker 1: I don't think that's out. Why are you so nice
13:11
to Thunderclops and so mean to me?
13:13
Speaker 6: I'm doing a good cop, bad cop.
13:15
Speaker 1: Routine, but you're a Lloyd savabitch.
13:18
Speaker 6: In addition to destruction of property, attempted theft, and possibly
13:22
being an accessory to murder, you are also accused of
13:25
committing identity fraud.
13:26
Speaker 1: Whose identity did I steal when.
13:28
Speaker 6: We captured you? Did you not claim that you were
13:30
doctor Guzuintite. I did, and I am the same doctor Gazintite,
13:35
who was born over five thousand years ago, the very same.
13:38
So you claim to be doctor Gazuntite, the greatest scientific
13:42
mind of his era, who invented the transroplicator, devised the
13:45
theory of spatial discontinuity, and mapped the known universe by accident,
13:50
and who died a tragic and horrific death when he
13:52
spliced his DNA with a jellyfish to see what would happen.
13:55
Speaker 1: Oh, you must have mistaken me for my father.
14:00
Speaker 8: Whoa what a twist?
14:03
Speaker 2: Wait what happened? I kind of tuned out.
14:06
Speaker 9: Guy is the son of doctor gazoo Tite, who he's
14:11
a super famous scientist from five.
14:14
Speaker 8: Thousand years ago.
14:15
Speaker 2: Okay, that's cool. I guess did Guy reveal his true
14:19
name yet?
14:19
Speaker 9: Not yet?
14:21
Speaker 6: What?
14:22
Speaker 2: Yes?
14:22
Speaker 1: I did, I'm doctor Gazuntite.
14:24
Speaker 2: Okay, you know I didn't mean your surname.
14:26
Speaker 1: No, that's my name. My father, doctor Wilhelm Atchu gazun Tite,
14:31
named me doctor gazun Tite.
14:34
Speaker 8: So your name is Willhelm.
14:37
Speaker 1: No, that's his name. My name is doctor.
14:43
Speaker 2: Your dad named you after his honorific Maybe you could
14:46
just call me doc. Do you have a PhD? No,
14:49
and we're not calling you doctor.
14:51
Speaker 1: It's my name.
14:52
Speaker 9: As far as I'm concerned, You're just die until you
14:56
earn your degree.
14:57
Speaker 2: Uh, guys, the trial.
15:00
Speaker 1: But my identity is important because now I know what
15:03
my father did to the engine of the starship Lightning Bug.
15:06
We have to get back.
15:08
Speaker 6: I swear to God, I'm done questioning this guy.
15:11
Speaker 12: Barry.
15:12
Speaker 6: Yes, mom, but did you do the crimes?
15:16
Speaker 2: Yes?
15:16
Speaker 4: I did.
15:17
Speaker 6: No further questions.
15:19
Speaker 7: Okay, I guess it's my turn, right laws, Now, what
15:25
would a defense lawyer say?
15:29
Speaker 2: Objection?
15:30
Speaker 8: Put your back into it.
15:32
Speaker 1: Objection? What do you object to?
15:35
Speaker 7: I objected these clients. They're clearly guilty, which makes my
15:39
job a whole lot harder.
15:40
Speaker 6: Objection sustained As a lawyer.
15:43
Speaker 8: It is my professional opinion that this is not good
15:47
for us.
15:52
Speaker 5: Oh again, already, let me see here we are?
15:54
Speaker 2: Where were we?
15:56
Speaker 5: Kind of maybe it's a hallway. A hallway, a couple
15:58
of guys dragging back of weapons. Uh, you know, all
16:02
hallways of the future look the same. I guess we're
16:05
probably still.
16:06
Speaker 2: On the mobile.
16:07
Speaker 6: Yeah, our number one is helping our mom bought with
16:09
the interrogation. These guys just appeared out of nowhere.
16:12
Speaker 11: How much further This shit is heavy.
16:13
Speaker 6: We're almost there. Just stick these crates in that storage
16:17
room and we'll get mom bought to hand out weapons
16:19
when she's done.
16:20
Speaker 2: That's my body count, but it ultimately depends on what
16:22
your definition of murder is.
16:25
Speaker 7: Premeditation is a defining factor.
16:27
Speaker 2: Oh, they were all premeditated.
16:29
Speaker 1: Very stop confessing crimes.
16:32
Speaker 2: What they're good crimes? No further questions.
16:36
Speaker 6: It looks like we have company. Hello, dearies. Oh sorry,
16:40
I thought this room was empty.
16:41
Speaker 8: Not to worry.
16:42
Speaker 6: We're almost done here. You can wait in the back.
16:45
But whatever you do, don't put those crates of lethal
16:47
weapons too close to our prisoners.
16:52
Speaker 1: I didn't say anything, no, but you were thinking it.
16:56
Speaker 6: Now that we've cross examined all of you, we should
16:58
have enough information to determined verdict computer initialized judicial algorithm.
17:04
Speaker 14: If you liked mind bending money laundering and family friendly rocketeering,
17:08
you may enjoy insurance fraud.
17:10
Speaker 6: Run the transcript through the algorithm and determine a verdict.
17:13
Speaker 13: Processing the suspense is guilly processing. This might take a while.
17:23
Speaker 11: Ugh, we don't have a while listen, could you guys
17:26
just plead guilty and get this over with?
17:28
Speaker 6: It really would help me out a ton.
17:30
Speaker 2: What's the hurry?
17:31
Speaker 6: The Emperor is visiting and we're trying to get this
17:33
place ready for him. The Emperor light terrifying in a
17:39
sexy he might kill you on a whim kind of way.
17:41
Speaker 11: It's different when you get to know him. As long
17:44
as he has a full belly and gets to decimate
17:46
a civilization every week or two, he's pretty.
17:48
Speaker 1: Jill And if he doesn't, eh, you can get a
17:51
little moody.
17:52
Speaker 11: One time, you picked a random attendant, had him cooked
17:55
alive on a spit, and made the rest of us
17:58
eat him.
17:59
Speaker 6: What is the Emperor's chef is the best chef in
18:03
the multiverse? So that guy was delicious, Like.
18:06
Speaker 11: I don't want to be mad about the watching cruelty
18:08
and force cannibalism, but it.
18:10
Speaker 6: Was also the best meal I've ever had.
18:12
Speaker 8: So you could die at any moment.
18:15
Speaker 11: Oh yeah, I've been attendant for five space weeks.
18:18
Speaker 1: The record is seven.
18:20
Speaker 2: Do you ever think of just.
18:23
Speaker 6: You know, if you're thinking what I'm thinking, you're thinking.
18:26
Speaker 11: I was dressed lesson All Empire operating systems have a
18:30
passive Lazimaji stay protocol running at all times. If it
18:34
detects any sign of spoken discontent, you're gone like that.
18:39
Speaker 6: Yeah, so you can't say, like, death to the Emperor.
18:45
Speaker 1: Jesus Great.
18:47
Speaker 11: Now, I'm gonna have to carry these weapons to this
18:49
stadium all by myself, and the.
18:51
Speaker 1: Computer is listening at all times.
18:54
Speaker 6: At all times, unless, of course, you were to initiate
18:59
attorney client privilege mode, in which case the computer completely
19:02
stops listening and won't pay attention to any context until
19:05
you call in him again. But I wouldn't recommend it.
19:08
There could be disastrous side effects.
19:10
Speaker 14: Error five three two oh three hung jury verdict inconclusive.
19:17
Speaker 2: That's never happened before.
19:20
Speaker 12: What do we do?
19:21
Speaker 2: You could let us go, that's no fun.
19:24
Speaker 6: A hung jury results in a mistrial, which means we
19:27
mustart proceedings on a second trial.
19:29
Speaker 1: Second trial. No, there's no time for that.
19:32
Speaker 6: We need to wrap this up. How about you just
19:34
flip a coin? Works for me.
19:35
Speaker 1: I'd rather not leave my fate to shear chance.
19:38
Speaker 2: Does anybody have a coin? I don't have pockets.
19:42
Speaker 6: Why the Galactic Federation hasn't used physical currency for nearly
19:45
two thousand years computer.
19:48
Speaker 2: Run coil flying.
19:49
Speaker 1: Don't trust the computer.
19:50
Speaker 13: Good call.
19:52
Speaker 1: I was probably going to cheat computer initiate attorney client
19:55
privilege mode?
19:56
Speaker 14: What No, okay, fine, initiating attorney client privileged mode.
20:04
Speaker 13: La la la la la la, I'm not listening.
20:06
Speaker 4: La la la la la la la la la la
20:08
la la la la la la la la la.
20:11
Speaker 2: That's annoying.
20:12
Speaker 10: I warned you here.
20:13
Speaker 1: I've got a coin. Whoa, this is old, five thousand
20:17
years old.
20:18
Speaker 2: You know this is probably worth a lot. Can we
20:20
just get this over with heads and tails? No side
20:24
it'll land on its side?
20:25
Speaker 1: No, just pick one. It's a fifty to fifty chance.
20:28
Speaker 2: Not true. Actually, which side is facing up? Heads? Then heads?
20:33
Speaker 4: Why?
20:33
Speaker 2: There is a fifty one percent chance the upward facing
20:36
side will win a coin toss, which gives us a
20:38
one percent edge. Really, trust me, I do a lot
20:42
of gambling as it is. It's heads. Oh thank god?
20:46
Speaker 1: Whoa again?
20:48
Speaker 2: Double nothing? Barry needs a new pair of shoes.
20:50
Speaker 1: No, thank you. I thought for sure we would get
20:53
jettison into the vacuum of space.
20:54
Speaker 7: What what kind of barbarica enterprise you think we're running here?
20:58
We may have a depraved and difference towards sentient life.
21:02
Speaker 2: But we do not.
21:03
Speaker 7: Literally, I don't even think our computer would let us
21:06
jettis tend our prisoners into the vacuum of space.
21:08
Speaker 13: Jettison the prisoners into the vaculum of space, if.
21:11
Speaker 2: You say so. That's embarrassing. Computer.
21:23
Speaker 14: Did you just, Hi, jettisoned our prisoners into the vaculus
21:26
space as requested. We may have lost an unpaid intern
21:29
as well.
21:30
Speaker 1: Look what you've done me.
21:32
Speaker 6: I did warn you of the dangers of attorney client
21:34
privilege mode. No, no, no, this is not good.
21:38
Speaker 11: Do you know what the Emperor will do when he
21:40
finds out about this.
21:42
Speaker 7: Make allowances for the possibility of human error.
21:46
Speaker 6: He will make us fight in the gladiatorial death Brawlo.
21:50
Speaker 9: Gladiatorial death brawl or readvan you are now?
22:02
Speaker 6: Are you ready for the death match of.
22:03
Speaker 1: A sail this side of the booming neba?
22:08
Speaker 2: Wait?
22:09
Speaker 4: What's this?
22:10
Speaker 1: One of the Emperor's.
22:11
Speaker 6: Minions is running out into the field.
22:14
Speaker 1: Let's see what she has to.
22:15
Speaker 11: Say, All high and most glorious Emperor, Hi hath terrible news.
22:20
Speaker 10: Terrible news. That's my least favorite kind of news.
22:26
Speaker 6: The prisoners we gathered for the death match.
22:28
Speaker 8: We are already dead.
22:30
Speaker 10: That isn't how this works. They're supposed to die during
22:34
the death match. That's why it's called a death match.
22:38
Speaker 6: It could not be prevented. A one and only Emperor.
22:42
Speaker 11: Three rebel warriors boarded the mothership and slaughtered all of
22:46
the prisoners.
22:47
Speaker 10: Ooh, rebel warriors?
22:50
Speaker 2: Are they here to kill me?
22:52
Speaker 6: That is what we.
22:52
Speaker 11: Believe, Oh, thick and juicy Emperor, We have captured them.
22:57
Speaker 6: Matter a grievous loss of life. They are fierce warriors.
23:02
Speaker 11: An erson berserker, Oh yeah, a fearsome rock demon, our hella.
23:09
Speaker 8: Fearsome and some guy.
23:13
Speaker 10: Hey about time I thought there would never be another
23:17
assassination attempt.
23:19
Speaker 11: Since the prisoners we selected are all dead, shall we
23:22
force these three brutes to battle each other to the
23:24
death for thy entertainment, supremest of.
23:28
Speaker 1: Leaders, Sweet, let's do it.
23:31
Speaker 10: Where's my vintage Storritos?
23:34
Speaker 7: Here?
23:34
Speaker 6: You are, my most ibbery of birth warriors.
23:38
Speaker 2: Jesusn't got any knives? Who?
23:43
Speaker 8: I'll take a club if you have one.
23:44
Speaker 1: Don't play into their sordid game. We need to team
23:47
up and work together to escape the universe depends on it.
23:50
Speaker 9: You keep saying that, but you still have not explained
23:53
what you mean, It's complicated.
23:55
Speaker 1: Just trust me.
23:56
Speaker 2: Look, we have primitive weapons. They have lasers and vaporisers
24:02
and god knows what else. There are thousands of them.
24:06
Even if we escape the stadium without being overrun by
24:09
imperial cannon fodder, the computer system would target us. If
24:13
we somehow avoided that, we would have to find a
24:16
ship we could operate and track down the starship mud
24:19
Skipper in the middle of fricking space, and we'd have
24:22
to do all that before the advent of this cosmic apocalypse.
24:26
You keep vaguely alluding to it's.
24:28
Speaker 8: Way easier to just kill y'all and hope for the best.
24:31
Speaker 2: I figured to toss up between me and Thunderclops, so
24:33
I'll give it my all and no hard feelings if
24:36
I lose. Same.
24:37
Speaker 1: What about me your question?
24:40
Speaker 2: We should probably team up and take him out first, right.
24:42
Speaker 9: Exactly what I was thinking. Otherwise he'll distract us while
24:46
you and I fight to the bitter.
24:48
Speaker 10: In Hey, less talking, more dying.
24:53
Speaker 6: Get him over, and we're gonna break out the cattle prods.
24:56
Speaker 1: It looks like the two big scary ones have decided
24:59
to team up defeat the weak, defenseless one one.
25:02
Speaker 2: Let's remember to put on a good show. Guy. When
25:05
I cut off your armor, really give it your all
25:07
with the screaming and bleeding.
25:09
Speaker 8: Don't want to disappoint the Emperor.
25:11
Speaker 1: And here immediately.
25:17
Speaker 4: Who failed a weapon?
25:19
Speaker 6: You too?
25:19
Speaker 1: Were serious? They're gonna kill me?
25:21
Speaker 8: Those are the rule.
25:23
Speaker 1: I thought we were friends.
25:24
Speaker 2: We are friends, friends to the end.
25:28
Speaker 1: I was your captain.
25:29
Speaker 8: Yeah, not only due to a technicality.
25:35
Speaker 10: Bass his head in, stam him in the box.
25:39
Speaker 6: Oh that was close.
25:41
Speaker 1: I think he dicked them.
25:43
Speaker 6: You can murder each other.
25:44
Speaker 1: I believe in you.
25:46
Speaker 2: At least grab a weapon. Guy, I'll feel bad if
25:49
you don't try to defend yourself.
25:50
Speaker 1: You should feel bad.
25:52
Speaker 2: That's not a very nice thing to say.
25:54
Speaker 13: So far, the terror has managed to keep out of
25:57
harm's way.
25:57
Speaker 1: It looks like the chase is taking its toll on.
26:03
Speaker 8: I should not have cut corner on my robe routine.
26:07
Speaker 2: You are surprisingly nimble for someone who spent five thousand
26:10
years in stasis.
26:11
Speaker 1: Pulls combatants pause through the emperor, what like just freeze?
26:19
Speaker 8: I could use a breather.
26:21
Speaker 10: I need to take an imperial piss. You come along.
26:25
I need someone to unzip me, as thou commandest, so.
26:31
Speaker 2: We just wait here until he gets back.
26:33
Speaker 1: Now we have time to make a plan.
26:35
Speaker 2: No what, you come up with something in the span
26:37
of a bathroom break, I'll give it a shot.
26:39
Speaker 9: But if you don't have a plan before the emperor returns,
26:42
it's back to killing.
26:44
Speaker 8: This should be interesting.
26:46
Speaker 1: Okay, Thunderclops, you could throw your mace at the emperor
26:50
in the ensuing.
26:51
Speaker 11: Case sorcefield, or on the emperor's box.
26:53
Speaker 1: Okay, that makes sense. What if we pretended to kill
26:57
each other you mean play dead? Yeah, and we could
27:00
sneak out when they take our bodies away.
27:02
Speaker 8: Now you're just embarrassing yoursell Yeah.
27:05
Speaker 7: The oporh is gonna wanna see blood. Besides, we incinerate
27:09
the bodies, we can.
27:09
Speaker 11: Also hear all the plans you're devising.
27:12
Speaker 1: Wait, that's it. We start an insurrection. Bread and circuses.
27:17
You cheer us on as we battle to the death,
27:20
but we're only here to distract you from your own oppression.
27:23
That's all. This is bread and circuses.
27:25
Speaker 2: Oh we don't get bread.
27:27
Speaker 1: How have you not already revolted? Okay, just circuses. Then
27:32
tell me how long have you been debased, humiliated, tortured,
27:36
enslaved to the Emperor's whims. You call him all powerful,
27:40
but without you, he's powerless. If we all came together
27:45
as one, we could easily This is inspiring and all,
27:47
but we literally can't rebel.
27:49
Speaker 11: Everyone who works in the Empire's fleet has an implant
27:52
embed it in their cranium. All the Emperor has to
27:55
do is say the phrase gill switch, and everyone within
27:59
earshot instantaneously.
28:01
Speaker 2: What there's a kill switch in my brain?
28:05
Speaker 11: Remember when they offered free music in your brain implants
28:08
for everyone in the empire.
28:09
Speaker 1: Oh oh, maybe if you surprise him, we can cover
28:15
his mouth before he can say it.
28:17
Speaker 11: Then the computer will activate the kill switch. We can't
28:20
even talk about hurting you know who much less. Actually,
28:24
wait a second, what you've been attempting to foment an
28:28
insurrection for like a whole minute.
28:31
Speaker 6: You should be dead.
28:32
Speaker 1: No, it's fine. I turned on attorney client privilege mode.
28:35
Speaker 8: Attorney client privilege mode is automatically suspended whenever there's a
28:39
death battle between an attorney and client. That's law school
28:43
one oh one.
28:44
Speaker 1: Oh wait, then why am I not dead already? Hey?
28:48
Speaker 7: Yeah, computer is the les Magi ste protocol running.
28:52
Speaker 13: The less Magist protocol is.
28:54
Speaker 1: Always running and then why didn't you kill him?
28:57
Speaker 13: Doctor Gazuntite is a citizen of the Empire.
28:59
Speaker 2: In high What does that mean? Are we all citizens
29:02
of the Empire?
29:05
Speaker 13: No, you are all vassals of the Empire. This position
29:08
entails no rights whatsoever.
29:10
Speaker 6: Then what gives how come this dude gets to be
29:12
a citizen? Perhaps I can help clarify. There was a
29:15
brief window about two thousand years ago when the Empire
29:18
liberalized and granted citizenship in perpetuity to select denizens. Around
29:23
this time, the starship lightning Bug was purchased by Emperor Empanada,
29:26
who collected and refurbished antique starships, and its entire crew
29:30
gained citizenship. Although in stasis in the utility closet, doctor
29:34
Gazintite became a citizen by default. This period of liberalization
29:38
was followed by a brutal and far reaching purge in
29:40
which all of the new citizens were ruthlessly liquidated. However,
29:44
it appears doctor Gazinite was overlooked, and because he has
29:47
had an unsullied reputation for two thousand years, doctor Gazentite
29:51
is considered a citizen in high standing.
29:55
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm starting to think I would prefer to be
29:57
called guy.
29:58
Speaker 8: Old On what kind of rights to citizens of the
30:01
empire hold?
30:03
Speaker 6: Not very many, but they can criticize the emperor, and
30:06
citizens in high standing are even allowed to challenge the Emperor.
30:08
Speaker 10: Actually, he's a thick batch of piss. I laid down.
30:12
You're all ready to get this show back on the road.
30:14
Speaker 11: Wait, we are at the beck and call my lord?
30:17
Speaker 2: Wait?
30:17
Speaker 1: What was mombot seeing a bouton palls? The Deadly Dover
30:26
was worried.
30:27
Speaker 2: I like the bear.
30:29
Speaker 10: I hope the bear wins.
30:31
Speaker 1: Wait can't you wait five seconds? And Jesus thunderclops.
30:35
Speaker 8: Almost tangs you.
30:37
Speaker 1: Years Berry there sent his circle round and cut off
30:42
the terrans escape.
30:43
Speaker 13: He and the rock Demon have him covered on either
30:45
side with his back to the wall.
30:47
Speaker 2: I hate to do this, guy. It's like that time
30:50
I had to eat my cat.
30:51
Speaker 1: You ate your cat? You mean the one who died
30:54
right before I came out of stasis.
30:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was hungry and the kitchen was far away.
30:59
But it did make me really sad.
31:01
Speaker 9: And I don't feel things too, not sadness, because that's
31:05
not really a part of my emotional vocabulary.
31:08
Speaker 8: Mostly, I will feel the raw joy of bloodshed. But
31:13
that's the purest emotion a rock demon can feel.
31:17
Speaker 1: No, this isn't real. You two would never They have.
31:20
Speaker 4: A pin against the wall and they are closing in.
31:23
Speaker 6: It looks like the anfest by a little teary betting
31:26
is now open for.
31:27
Speaker 1: Who will win between the ers and the rolls combatants
31:31
some Oh my god.
31:32
Speaker 8: Seriously, what a rock block.
31:35
Speaker 10: My tummy feels a little weird. Too much junk food.
31:41
Maybe I should eat something healthy. Oh, I know, grapes.
31:46
Someone feed me grapes and someone else can fan me
31:49
with a palm leaf. I really want to emperor it
31:52
up today.
31:53
Speaker 1: I'll go grab some grapes. You get the leaf.
31:56
Speaker 6: Why the fuck am I gonna get a palm frown
31:58
in the spaceship?
32:00
Speaker 1: Hey mom, about two point yes, dear, What were you
32:03
saying before the emperor came back about the rights of citizens?
32:07
Speaker 15: Oh?
32:07
Speaker 6: I was simply explaining that citizens in high standing can
32:10
vote to challenge the emperor to trial by combat. In theory,
32:13
there would need to be a majority vote to ratify
32:15
the challenge, but since you are the only citizen of
32:18
any kind in the empire, you would win the vote
32:20
by default.
32:21
Speaker 1: I can challenge the Emperor to a fight.
32:23
Speaker 3: Yes, but the.
32:24
Speaker 6: Champion chosen to fight the Emperor must also be a citizen.
32:27
And since you are the only citizen.
32:29
Speaker 1: Considering the circumstances, I'll take my odds with the emperor.
32:33
Emperor's odd I challenge thee the yeah, I thought. I mean,
32:40
that's how all of them talk, thee.
32:42
Speaker 2: He makes us talk like that. It's not a personal choice.
32:45
Speaker 1: Whatever, I'd challenge him, the emperor.
32:47
Speaker 10: That's happening. What's the terran going on about?
32:50
Speaker 4: Uh?
32:51
Speaker 6: He's challenging you to trial by combat.
32:55
Speaker 10: He can do that.
32:56
Speaker 6: Technically he can. Due to what amounts to a clerical error,
33:00
Doctor Gazintite is the sole citizen in high standing in
33:02
the entire empire as the Emperor. You are permitted to
33:05
decline the challenge.
33:06
Speaker 10: Oh no, this is awesome. I didn't know this could happen.
33:11
That's so cool. I accept the challenge. So what, I
33:16
just go down there and fight that dude.
33:18
Speaker 1: That's right. What a cent intern of events. In an
33:21
unprecedented move, one of the combatants has used a legal
33:25
fluted challenge.
33:26
Speaker 6: The emperor to trial by combat, and our.
33:29
Speaker 1: Most revered Emperor will humble himself by stepping into the
33:32
arena and snuffing out the life of this pathetic Weekly personally.
33:40
Speaker 2: So what do we do?
33:42
Speaker 6: I suppose you can get in the stands and watch.
33:45
Speaker 8: Whoo trial by combat. Whoo, this is so much fun.
33:51
Speaker 1: Our mighty Emperor is stepping into the ring. Look at
33:54
his powerful shy at those needy must surifize.
33:59
Speaker 10: Let me just tear off this combersome shirt. Oh the glisten.
34:08
Speaker 2: Oh shit, he is ripped. Is that a sixteen pack?
34:13
I didn't know that was possible.
34:14
Speaker 8: Oh oh, he looks pretty strong.
34:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, thanks, guys, I'm seeing that now that he's down here.
34:20
Speaker 10: What weapon do you want?
34:23
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'll use a sword, I guess.
34:26
Speaker 10: Interesting choice. Now should I go with the laser cannon
34:32
or the particle flux disperser?
34:34
Speaker 1: I thought we had to pick from these medieval weapons.
34:37
Speaker 10: Ah, those are for the death match, make some more
34:40
fun to watch, but this is an open duel. Fighters
34:44
get their weapon of choice.
34:46
Speaker 1: Then, I know, takebacks.
34:48
Speaker 10: You know, I've been giving it a lot of flak,
34:51
but maybe I should see what all the fuss is about.
34:54
I think I'll go with the flesh flare five thousand.
35:03
Speaker 2: Oh, I think I'm in love it has so many blades.
35:07
Speaker 1: Oh no, you must take your stances. The challenge begins
35:12
in three two.
35:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, make his skin not be on him.
35:21
Speaker 1: I got the grapes? Did that? Wait?
35:25
Speaker 8: What's going on?
35:26
Speaker 13: Our most suffing, beautiful emperor is circling his moment looking
35:31
for an opening in his knee.
35:33
Speaker 1: Choosing a sword when he had literally every weapon ever
35:36
invented at his disposal must be a decision. He's reading that.
35:40
Shut up.
35:41
Speaker 10: I gotta say, I'm glad you challenged me to this fight.
35:45
I oh, oh, what up with my stomach? And one
35:52
of you fetch me some tombs or something. I'm at it,
35:55
By Emperor, I'm sorry about that. I mean it, though.
36:00
You've got a lot of balls for someone who clearly
36:02
has no combat expertise whatsoever challenged to a duel the Emperor,
36:09
that's just neat, and we'll get to see what the
36:12
flesh flay of five thousand can do. I hear it
36:16
condenses the pain of days of torture into a few
36:20
incomprehensibly excruciating moments.
36:24
Speaker 1: I can't wait.
36:26
Speaker 10: Well, here goes nothing. I just wanted to let you
36:30
know ahead of time how much fun I'm having because
36:33
I won't be able to tell you afterward, obviously.
36:37
Speaker 1: How sweeticulate emperor is to play this flesh flayer four thousands?
36:48
Speaker 10: Ah, man, my stomach would act up in the middle
36:52
of the coolest thing to happen to me in years.
36:57
This ain't no accid.
37:04
Speaker 6: Emperor flood out?
37:06
Speaker 2: Oh God, I can't look.
37:10
Speaker 8: Sure, there's a lot of blood.
37:13
Speaker 2: It just keeps going.
37:15
Speaker 15: What is.
37:21
Speaker 1: I got?
37:22
Speaker 6: The tumb's most glorious emperor is the Oh my god,
37:27
what happened? Good question? Computer, run a medical diagnostic on
37:32
the emperor.
37:32
Speaker 13: According to my calculations, he's dead.
37:36
Speaker 6: Cause of death.
37:37
Speaker 13: He vomited all of his blood out, like all of it,
37:41
which is kind of impressive.
37:43
Speaker 6: Yes, dear, I meant what caused the hemorrhage in vomiting?
37:47
Speaker 13: Oh, it probably has something to do with the four
37:49
thousand year old doritos he was eating.
37:52
Speaker 2: What happens?
37:53
Speaker 6: Now?
37:53
Speaker 11: Are we free?
37:55
Speaker 6: Oh you sweet summer child. No, the Emperor is dead.
38:00
Long live the Emperor.
38:02
Speaker 4: The Emperor is dead. Long live the.
38:05
Speaker 1: Emperor, Long live the Emperor. I'm so confused.
38:10
Speaker 2: Okay, but who's the emperor?
38:13
Speaker 6: Since Emperor Zad has no living heir, he sees the
38:15
empire to its highest ranking citizen, and since there is
38:18
only one citizen.
38:21
Speaker 2: Oh, how does this keep happening?
38:25
Speaker 1: I'm the emperor?
38:26
Speaker 2: What do we call you? I vote for Emperor doctor?
38:30
Speaker 1: How about Emperor giz Intite?
38:32
Speaker 2: That's not bet sure in all fairness, Emperor guy doesn't
38:35
exactly strike fear deference into my heart.
38:38
Speaker 8: Oh the people have spoken.
38:47
Speaker 2: This is surreal guy. You're the emperor now we can
38:52
do anything.
38:53
Speaker 1: Berry. You and Thunderclaps were trying to kill me five
38:56
minutes ago.
38:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that was before you we were the emperor.
39:01
Speaker 8: Besides, we didn't want to kill you. We had to
39:04
kill you.
39:05
Speaker 2: Well, we kind of wanted to, but only in the
39:08
way that your friends want to kill their friends.
39:11
Speaker 8: You wouldn't hold that against us, would you?
39:14
Speaker 1: Come on?
39:14
Speaker 2: You too?
39:15
Speaker 1: I know you could have killed me if you'd wanted to.
39:17
You were missing on purpose?
39:19
Speaker 2: Sure, yeah, because friendship.
39:22
Speaker 8: It wasn't because of my bomb ankle at all.
39:26
Speaker 1: So behind the emperor?
39:29
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, about to get decon at as hell up
39:32
in this bitch?
39:36
Speaker 1: Uh Emperor Gazot type?
39:37
Speaker 7: Do you still want the tubs?
39:45
Speaker 15: This has been Starship mod Skipper Season two, Episode two,
39:50
Beyond Blunderdome written by Matthew Morris and Jack Pounsend, featuring
39:56
the voices of Andrew Ferrier, Matthew Morris, Helen Jacks, James
40:01
Lanius High Priest roby Matt Stanley, Eric Adur Lauren, George
40:07
Jeff Quash, John Casara, Merk Dreer, and Jack Townsend. If
40:16
you like the show, you can support us at Kofi
40:19
that's kodah Fi dot com Slash the Snake's Paw. You
40:24
can also support us by buying Snake's pa gear at
40:27
our spreadshop. If you're a Starship Mud Skipper fan, we
40:31
have apparel themed around jettisoning people into the vacuum space.
40:35
We also have products for Nouarsity Blues, Clinton My Own,
40:38
and more. Stay tuned for season two episode three. Thanks
40:45
for listening, y'all. Until next time,