Latest / The Uncommons / Feminine Energy in Relationships: Why Strong Women Struggle to Let Go | Ep 27
Transcript
- speaker-0: Maybe he was not a weak man because he wasn't when I met him. Maybe I contributed in ways to him becoming weaker and weaker. There's a lot of confusion in today's modern relationship world. Women are working, they're a lot more successful in some cases than men. speaker-1: super feminine and the guy does everything and ⁓ come save me or whatever they're very attractive to a masculine guy but after a while I'm like alright and then what speaker-0: She is feminine in the inside, but she had to put on a mask of masculine to take care of herself, take care of people around her. And I've been that. speaker-1: I'm in a warrior mode because I want to prove that I can't have a hundred million dollar company. And it, you know, it's been allowing me to be extremely successful, but not allowing me to connect with others. speaker-0: I can't sit here and say it was always a beautiful balance of feminine and masculine. No, we really paid our dues to find that. Hi, welcome to the Uncommons podcast, where we discuss what it really takes to build a meaningful life. I'm Barisa. Paige. And today we have a very interesting topic. There's a lot of hype about it. There's a lot of different trends that come out about marriage, about relationship, around being a trad wife or being a modern wife or being a working woman and masculine. Who's the first one? Trad wife. Trad wife. Traditional wife. ⁓ It's a thing. I didn't I had to look it up too. All right. And ⁓ there's a I don't know. We'll see. Okay. We'll see. I feel that there's a lot of confusion in today's modern speaker-1: What's the trap? Tradwife. Trad wife. speaker-0: ⁓ relationship world and different type of marriage. Women are working, they're a lot more successful in some cases than men, and there's a lot of businesses that start by women that's currently surpassing the businesses that start by men. So the direction of relationships has changed. I don't think anybody can deny that. But also there's a lot of confusion because it's new. Traditionally, for centuries, we used to live a different way, more trad. It was during World War II that this whole roles and responsibilities kind of shifted because men were gone during the war, and women had to join the workforce. That's when they started feeling a lot more important, contributing to the society, and it felt good. To make money, to go to work, to become an important part of the society and take over roles that men had before. And that's when women started being more involved in the society. And I think the whole pendulum kind of swung to the other side. The whole feminism movement started and roles shifted. I think currently the pendulum is kind of coming back, because a lot of women are like, okay, we where the women are of the family, the society. Then we started taking over the roles for men and now we're torn because we're doing both. And we don't want to do both. We don't want to kill ourselves being important. We want to go back to where we were. And a lot of women are not thinking that way. They want to ha have accomplishments, they want to have their businesses, they want to succeed in the world. Then there is the family role and there is the kids and Everything that traditionally involved more of the female side. So I thought it would be a good time to talk about it. Hopefully by the end of this episode, we can discuss what it really takes to have a fulfilling relationship with one another in a romantic relationship in a marriage, what it really takes to have a healthy home for kids to thrive in, and More importantly than both of them, what it really takes for each man and woman in the relationship to thrive and be happy with who they are and where they stand within themselves. Because if that's not there, none of the other ones would matter really. As a woman, there was a time that I wanted to be very successful. I wanted to feel very powerful within myself. I wanted to feel that I'm in charge. And I also wanted to have a good relationship at the same time. And I went through a painful relationship, a divorce. And when I got out of that, I felt that it was his fault, of course, because he wouldn't step up, he wouldn't be manly enough to take charge. And I went through a period of finger pointing and finding fault in him. But then Something shifted and I came back to myself saying maybe he was not a weak man, because he wasn't when I met him. Maybe I contributed in ways to him becoming weaker and weaker, because that's what he would tell me directly. He was like, It's because of you that I can't feel manly enough, or it's because of you that I can't feel strong enough. Around you, you don't leave any room for me. And I was like, okay, maybe there is some truth into that, especially after experience it a few other times. And I'm like, okay, maybe I do that to men. But the truth was that I really didn't know how I wanted to feel. I knew I wanted to feel that I have some power, but I also wanted to be taken care of. I didn't want to forego my power. I didn't want to give up on feeling like have a say in things. But I also wanted to feel safe enough to just relax, you know? And I think that's the story with a lot of women. We want to feel powerful, but we also want to feel that we're contained. And we want to be able to surrender. But surrendering doesn't mean that we want to give up on who we are and what we want, but we want to feel safe enough in a presence of a man. to feel that okay, he got it. I don't have to stress over everything. I can let go, but I can also feel that I'm me and I'm not letting go of who I am and who I want to become. speaker-1: The silver lining that I see in that is is that somebody who's really trying and actually cares about the relationship, wants a dynamic relationship, it is a positive thing, even though there might be some nuances within it, meaning a powerful man versus a weak man versus a ⁓ a masculine woman, ⁓ but it's quite different than somebody that doesn't even realize the other side. I know in the medical world there's a lot of women that are physicians. that are go, go, go, powerful, I make decisions, I save lives. And that's all. And the other side of it are being vulnerable. Wanting to give up, wanting to be contained. They as a whole are being taken care of from a loving masculine way that they could actually let go and and be confident that shit's not gonna fall apart. Mm. So what I see is a huge beauty in someone who's really trying to figure out where this whole thing lies and what's the right balance as opposed to a lot of women that I know that don't even see it. Yeah. speaker-0: Right. But it's a chicken and egg situation. Yeah. You know, like which one comes first? Does the woman drop her guard and let go first? And we're talking about by man and woman, I mean masculine and feminine force, right? Yeah. Would the man with the high masculine energy be the one who steps up first and the woman feels safe enough to let go? And there's a lot of different aspects into masculinity too, 'cause somebody could look masculine on the outside, but then there's a lot of immature masculinity, the same way that there's a lot of immature femininity. So I think it would be good to discuss how it feels like, first of all, to you as a super masculine man, probably the most masculine that it comes in, what does a masculine man want in a relationship? speaker-1: There was a time that I didn't feel masculine enough in a relationship that I was in. You know, but that I came from a vulnerable place because my mom was very ill and I was doing a startup company and I was completely distracted in that relationship. But in a normal sense of masculine male, I love strong women. I also loved weak women. speaker-0: What do you define as a strong woman and weak woman? speaker-1: A weak woman is the damsel in distress. Somebody who needs me to be the hero to come and save them, which was very attractive to me, because I was the hero. I become automatically masculine. Right? So I don't really have to try hard, not that I would try hard to be masculine. I have a very soft heart. I might look like a hard asshole on the outside and maybe I am, but I have a super, super weak heart. speaker-0: It would feed your masculine. speaker-1: And I think that's what it would attach to most. Right. But I also like very strong women, any and all long term relationships that I respected a woman was somebody who's powerful. Bring something to the relationship besides needing to be taken care of. speaker-0: So a woman who feels on the outside that she needs to be rescued feels very attractive but doesn't last. speaker-1: Yeah, short term. Short term. For sure, short term. But in reality, for long term, somebody who could depend on is somebody as a masculine man who wants a powerful life, a life that makes a difference. I need somebody who's strong and powerful. I love that. And I really have never come to a situation, maybe once. I never felt inferior, but I had a clear border. I was engaged to someone, for example. And for me, family li being there for someone, your family, really going the extra step is part of my my bottom line. Who was a very powerful, strong, like outgoing, attractive, educated, working hard. I mean, had a lot of you know, check checked out all the boxes. And she wanted freedom to be big, and I loved giving it freedom to be big. I loved that, all of that. So it was growth, all of it. However, there's a certain line where my mom was ill and she was dying, and I was devastated, and she decided that it was more important for her to go on a ski trip with her friends when she had a week off work than to be with me. That was my no go. Mm-hmm. I stopped it and I ended the relationship. speaker-0: The emotional nurturing wasn't there. Or emotional support wasn't there. speaker-1: Something that I would expect in a relationship that is that strong to have these strong pillars. Like there's a few pillars in life. When your partner is something important to your partner, and you have something that is more important than your partner's needs, and that need, from my point of view, was not at all something that would supersede the needs that I had at the time to me is like what's important to me is not important to that person. And therefore I cannot have a long-term relationship with that person. speaker-0: So I'm going to rephrase that and you tell me if it's right. Sure. As a masculine man, if you have somebody, a woman, who needs to be rescued and needs to be provided for, and needs to be emotionally, physically, financially supported at all times, you feel an attraction, but it's short term doesn't last long. As a masculine man, what's more appealing to you for a long term partnership? Is somebody that you can build a life with that has a purpose. Correct. And she can keep up with that level of an engagement, level of contribution. But then what is the line is taking it too far on the strong and powerful and having an opinion and will and plan side that she wouldn't see your soft side and your side that needs a lot more support and nurturing. At hard times. speaker-1: Maybe. It moves her into the masculine energy of that woman that is beyond acceptable, or i for me at least, or beyond what I feel like that is a powerful, strong, beautiful, feminine woman that is in tune with herself. When she becomes not in tune is when she's unable to see these borders. speaker-0: That's a hard, hard area for a strong woman. And I'm saying it from experience because the strength and the power and the contribution and being a go-getter and being somebody who has a will and has a huge desire for making things happen, which is what you define as a good partner that you would look for, it becomes hard sometimes to be in touch with emotions and the feminine side because you are in that mode. It becomes a habit, but then tuning back into femininity and into the soft point of a woman, like the soft heart of a woman. I wouldn't call it weak, I would call it the vulnerability. Yes. Which is very strong for a powerful woman to keep in touch with. it becomes a little hard to have access to that. So it's tricky. Yeah. speaker-1: And that's where I think a powerful man would come in, a masculine man, because where she doesn't see, and he does, is where this connection and communication of is just like a bat flying around that they use sonar to see where they are in the world. And the world of the relationship between a man and a woman needs a back and forth. speaker-0: Mm-hmm. The feedback. speaker-1: To feedback. Just like a no-go zone would be that I wouldn't have to have sex with some other woman, or make the other person, the other woman feel that I'm interested in her and have a subliminal interaction that is sexual or connected or something that is above acceptable. For me, that's cheating or a woman's ability or need or want to raise children properly and deeply. I think for a lot of men, that is a huge thing. Yeah. Men that wanna have a good, strong family, they're you're looking for women that are gonna be great moms. That's the first thing. Like I had a list, you know, and it was first great mom. Right? And a great mom is somebody who's in tune with the children. I don't care what culture you're in. I see it ⁓ how innately comes out. If that person doesn't have that innately, her job becomes more important than the basic needs of my children, to me that's a no go zone. And same thing vice versa. I think should be for a man. speaker-0: Yeah, we d I I think we that's something that we have very strongly. So if I am in my go get it zone and I'm just going at it and I'm managing something within the household with that energy and then I come and cross you in a way that doesn't feel right to you, you make sure that I know that I'm crossing your masculinity and you're like back off. So I back off. Because I've seen that if I do it enough times. It becomes a habit of a rel it changes the dynamic of the relationship. Absolutely. And I've seen that even with you, I've done it, and I'm guilty of it, because I've seen that I have, especially after I had babies, and I was so overprotective, the good mother that you're calling. I was in charge. It was my thing to make sure that these children or that the baby that I gave birth to is protected and the well-being of the child comes first. And I saw that in you, that I was saying, do it this way, do that that way. And I it was I was coming from a very masculine place, even though the quality is what you just described as top of the list, be a good mother. But I saw you, I don't think they come more masculine than you when we met, right? And when I saw the shift in you, that for a bottle of milk, you were like. Okay, tell me what to do. I'm like, okay, it I I'm crossing the line. I can see I've done it before. I know how it feels like. I can see that. I can grab a lion can't make a bottle of milk. I've crossed the line. I need to back up. But that's with me who had already ruined a few relationships. So I knew how it feels, right? speaker-1: I never thought I would say this, but I'm so thankful that you were married, okay? speaker-0: Yeah, seriously, it it helps because I had ruined relationships before with that trait. And then now I'm looking at a man who is the most masculine man that I found and I'm like, he is never gonna be weak. And I'm looking at him and I'm like, what am I doing? I'm guilty of it, because I can't sit here and say it was always a beautiful balance of feminine and masculine. No, we really paid our dues to find that. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, ⁓ yeah. speaker-0: Especially after having kids. Like the thing that comes out of a mother, especially the mother who has this strong, powerful side, is just something comes out and takes over. And it's really hard at that moment to say, I don't wanna overpower my man. 'Cause screw everybody, it's my baby, right? So that was a time that I saw it, I witnessed it, and I was like My baby is gonna be fine, but I need my partner and I don't want to act like a very strong woman at the moment anymore. speaker-1: There are some events like having a baby and I don't know I don't know what to do with a baby. Yeah. That's where like my weak not weakness, but I would give in because I really don't know where I stand with this whole thing, right? Doesn't matter how masculine you are, it's your baby. On the other side of the token, as masculine as I was, there's been times like I told you, I was in a relationship that, you know, I was having a startup company. in a company that she wouldn't believe in because it was cannabis. Mm-hmm. Even at that I was masculine. I'm like, no, fuck you, I'm doing this. But I knew there was a undercurrent of negativity with that. And also my mom was sick and I was very vulnerable. speaker-0: Is that something that you would call wounded masculinity? That's like a term that goes on around the internet these days. You just said, no, fuck you, I'm doing this. I don't think that's ⁓ that could be interpreted as like a masculine man who is oblivious to other people's opinion, but I think knowing you, I think how that would transpire in a relationship is Being able to set borders and draw a line and saying, I love you, I care for you, this is my territory, I lead here. And you do that a lot. And to me, that's actually very attractive. It's very easy for a powerful woman to walk all over a man who cannot hold boundaries. So I think having boundaries, strong boundaries as a man is very attractive. What would you call a Wounded or immature masculine. speaker-1: Somebody's been taken care of. They went to the nice schools. They made sure that if somebody they couldn't do anything, the mom and dad were there to help them. They they didn't get their ass handed to them and just pampered all the way their life through. And they never became that powerful man. And maybe that's the wounded man. speaker-0: Could they haven't had enough heart? speaker-1: Right, right. Or if they were held to such high ground that you need to be X, Y, and Z and I'm speaking from my personal life, no matter what they weren't good enough. And they become this masculine man that I'm gonna go conquer the world because I was never good enough. And I'm to be honest, as now, I'm dealing with a lot of that. Because I grew up in a family that They were like very, very highly educated, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you were not good enough. So the meaning of the definition of masculine man could have many of these. I started with that pampered kid that had everything. Then we went through the revolution and moved to the US. I w didn't speak the language. I was bust downtown, got my ass kicked every day, bloody nose. I left the house when I was 16, poor as fuck. Went through some really, really rough times. But throughout the entire time, I was always held to these high, high standards. Now that I'm realizing, ⁓ my God, there's a lot of these things that I'm doing as a masculine warrior. I'm in a warrior mode because I want to prove that I can have a hundred million dollar company. And it, you know, it's been allowing me to be extremely successful, but not allow me to connect with a lot of other things. So the wounded speaker-0: What is the things that you would connect with? Because there is a definition for wounded or immature masculine, right? I think wounded is somebody who cannot connect with a woman on a deeper level. So they can not understand how she would feel and how she could carry through life and completely oblivious, like completely blind to her experience. To me, that's wounded. But then there could be a man who is not wounded to that extent, but still not mature enough in his masculinity. And I think that's what you're defining here. speaker-1: I honestly think that the oblivious portion of a lot of successful men that I know exists. Like they almost have no clue. And and I had no clue. I I I mean and I think I'm a sensitive guy. I think I have a very soft heart. And that portion of me brought me to connect with a lot of people. But at the end of the day, It was hard for me to feel. I'm trying to feel more now, to be honest with you. ⁓ so that happens a lot. And I do call that someone who's wounded. Mm-hmm. But the other side of the spectrum, at least in my opinion, I've seen a lot of guys that are very connected and they're they interact and they wanna be ⁓ present and all that, then In order to do that, in order to please the other person, in order to make the other person happy, they automatically assume a feminine role when they're dealing with a woman that is a strong masculine woman. And I see it a lot when it comes to money, where a woman is successful, makes more money than the man, and that dynamic changes. speaker-0: I think a man with a healthy level of masculine energy, he has access to his wild go-getter, predator sense that a lot of men feel inside of them, but he has enough control over himself to not use it if it's not a matter of danger. I think that's what would make a woman feel safe to let go, that he can handle things. But he doesn't bring that energy to me to overpower me and to completely dismiss me. speaker-1: Please keep in mind that when you have a warrior like that, shifting positions, it's not easy. Yeah. Like I've been on a warrior mode for twelve years. speaker-0: That's why I don't want to be around you when you're working. I cannot be around you. speaker-1: ⁓ now I have different levels of it, but down deep inside, as as calm as I may be or whatever it is, I I do a lot of meditation, I do a lot of these things to calm my ass down, it's hard to switch back and forth. speaker-0: Yeah. Even when you get home from work, like I see you, there is a period needed to switch. It doesn't happen like a automatic on and off thing. And it's hard to deal with that as a woman. It is. We want a strong man, we want a powerful man, but then we want him to be able to feel too. Right. Which is hard for male brain to do to go between like we a male brain can't feel logic and feelings at the same time, can't have access to both. We can. So when you are stuck in your logical side, then it feels insensitive on the outside, but then it's hard to maneuver it. speaker-1: It's true. I have one coach that I work with every day. And ⁓ what I'm really focusing on is working on the wizard and I my emotions are all are kinda all over the place because, you know, I'm supposed to go and have meetings and get shit done. But when there's a wizard, you just kind of let things go and you allow people to be the best that they could be. And it's extremely difficult for someone who's got a very masculine energy to get in tune with their feminine energy, at least my experience in life. Right. And I would just assume that somebody who's a little bit less masculine would probably have an easier time going back and forth. But a lot of it has to be the dance between A man and a woman, and a man's masculine female energy versus a woman's masculine and female energy. So if a woman who has a lot of masculine energy and there's a man who's got a lot of feminine energy, that could actually work well. It's it's the energetic force. And if there's two super feminine, People I don't think it's gonna work out. And people that are super masculine, I don't think it's gonna work out. It's gonna be the polarities. That's speaker-0: The polarity. Yeah. So that's that's really what keeps attraction alive after a while. Because at the beginning, it's fine. Everybody's fine. Like there's a lot of sex, there's a lot of attraction, and things work out. But then eventually that polarity dies. And I think that's a lot of struggles for strong women that they want a man that can be strong. And then at some point they go head to head. And things fall apart. speaker-1: It happens all the time. It happens to me a lot. At the beginning everything's great because you got two type A, let's go, let's party, let's have fun, let's have sex, da da da da da. And then when time comes, I'm like shit, I'm the guy. You know, back off. And they they don't and the my warrior energy comes out and that's where the shit you know falls apart. speaker-0: Yeah. So going back to we talked about healthy and unhealthy masculine, what do you call a mature feminine and what do you call an immature feminine? speaker-1: Let me start with the immature feminine. Because that's easy. It was the majority of the damsel in distress people that I had in my life because they're super feminine and the guy does everything and ⁓ come save me or whatever. They're very attractive to a masculine guy. But after a while, like I'm like, all right, and then what? Like like what do you gotta show for yourself? speaker-0: Let me translate and you tell me if it's right. You think that if somebody is in their wounded feminine, they can appear soft on the outside, but they don't have enough access to their masculine energy to create a life that's fruitful for them. Is that a wounded feminine? speaker-1: They don't have the drive. And they've been so set low that they have to use their sexuality or femininity to get what they need in life. speaker-0: So they don't have enough drive to go get what they want. speaker-1: Life. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I feel bad if someone who's been beaten down by life or situations, that that's all they got and they resort to that. And and I and I see it in no offense to anybody's jobs, but I see a lot of women that use that to make money. Extreme portion. Yeah. speaker-0: Well, that's a very extreme Exactly. But then in regular daily life I think being a wounded feminine is a result of being in survival mode for a long time. And it could show up in different ways. It could show up if somebody who has been, like you said, beaten down by life for so long that she has no drive left to create what she wants to create out of life. And it could also be on the other side of who you call a masculine woman that she has been in survival mode. Like she is feminine in the inside, but she had to put on a mask of masculine to take care herself, take care of people around her, and I've been that to be able to survive. Yes. And then there is an expectation of the society that says, ⁓ why are you so tough, be a woman, that on top of that masculine mask, then we have to put on a feminine layer again to look feminine on the outside. But that's very that outer layer of feminine is very different from the inner feminine that we were born with. speaker-1: And the other side, the reverse of that, is somebody who's for whatever reason had to become masculine to survive. Right. And I see it in a lot of doctors, a lot of female doctors. In order to be, you know, an orthopedic surgeon is a guy's job. You know, it's very physical. But I know a really, really good female orthopedic surgeons. They're super tough. And because they have to be. Because if they're not, they get eaten up alive, you know, they wouldn't get into the residency programs, whatever it is, right? Then once they're there, they're expected to perform at that level. They're expected to become that very masculine person because in this day and age, there is no difference between men and women. And that's where I think a real wound happens. Where this woman who really strives so hard. to be strong, powerful so forth, that wants to reconnect with her feminine side, achieved what she wanted to achieve, but now there is an environmental expectation for her to be to stay never go back. Yeah. Like, what do you mean you're gonna have a child? You're an orthopedic surgeon. Like what do you mean you wanna be a mom? What do you mean you want to take three months off to take care of your kid? I think it's way more complicated for women than it is for men. Women are just in general are just more complicated. They have different hormones and I'm trying to learn that. It's a complex conversation. ⁓ but being aware of that, I think is more important than anything else. For me, being aware that, ⁓ I was in warrior mode. But before I was in a warrior mode, I wasn't a natural wizard and going back and forth. But being aware of that's possible. speaker-0: What's And giving each other feedback. speaker-1: feedback and setting those borders yeah I think is key. For women is a lot more complicated, but women are complicated. So therefore they work well with this complex situations, internal situations, because they are usually handed more complex stuff to to take care of, like children. speaker-0: To wrap it up, I think what everybody wants, most of people, most women at least one, we want to have beautiful relationship, we want to have real true partnership, we want to be able to feel that we are taken care of, we don't have to worry about everything, we don't have to be in survival mode, we can let go and surrender, but we also have a voice, we also have our own power. We didn't let that go completely. And we want to also feel that we are understood and heard by the man in our life. And in order to do that, I think the masculine force has a really important job in this society to be able to step up and be able to contain a woman in a positive, beautiful way, a strong woman, and form a partnership that could contribute to this world because we can be very good at our job and very good at our career, but when that level of satisfaction and love is not there, it's hard to become a force of love and positivity in the world. So that really determines a lot of how we show up in our career, how we show up with our children, how we show up in the world. And sometimes masculine and feminine could appear as two opposite poles, but I think after this beautiful journey that we've had together so far, the feminine and masculine are not the opposite. They're continuum of the same spectrum, like yin and yang, like dark and light. One cannot exist without the other. And we are here to have this beautiful dance together, not to become one another, not to dissolve, but keep that polarity and be a unity at the same time. And that unity can really bring our families together, can bring our kids together, and can bring a force in this world that can contribute and that comes from the unity of this masculine and feminine, as long as we don't tear each other apart. speaker-1: Agree. I was single for a long time, until I was fifty. And I had many mentors and many people that I worked with and looked up to. And ⁓ I they always told me that behind any successful man is a strong woman. And I hated that. I'm like, what are you talking about? Look at me. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, know. But now I realize that it's not that is it can't be successful without a woman. It's not it's not true. ⁓ but the speaker-0: Same. speaker-1: satisfaction and the ability to have a multidimensional success and the definition of success changes when you're able to have that dynamic with somebody else. speaker-0: Agreed. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. We feel privileged to show up and talk about these things, discuss what other couples keep behind closed doors, and hope that we can feel each other and we can share things that are very common. Please don't forget to subscribe. Don't forget to follow us on social media, and we'll see you next week. speaker-1: Tchau.