Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 192. Staying Close When Your Grown Kids Live Far Away with Joanne McHugh

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192. Staying Close When Your Grown Kids Live Far Away with Joanne McHugh · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Christian parenting.
• 0:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinkelman and you're listening to the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 0:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: The show for Christian moms who want to let go with grace and actually enjoy their emptiness.
• 0:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm a certified emptiness coach, speaker, and mom of five grown kids.
• 0:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know the challenges this season brings from letting go to setting healthy boundaries, to rediscovering your purpose, and reconnecting with your husband.
• 0:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Each week I'll be your guide.
• 0:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: offering heartfelt conversations, faith-filled encouragement, and practical strategies to help you thrive in this next chapter.
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: My husband and I are loving the emptiness years and I have strong growing relationships with my adult kids and I want the same for you.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't miss the end of each episode.
• 0:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'll share a quick coaching tip you can apply right away.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: to improve your relationship with your kids or your spouse.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: One favor before we dive in.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you find this episode helpful, would you leave a rating and review?
• 1:05
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• 1:08
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• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss a single episode.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, let's get started.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome back to the Midlife Mama podcast, the place for faith, friendship, and real talk for empty nest moms.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you've ever had a grown child move away, you know the bittersweet ache that follows.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're proud of the independent adult they've become, but the quiet moments can hit hard, especially when they live in another time zone.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: How do you stay close when daily life no longer overlaps?
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Today, I'm joined by Joanne McQ.
• 1:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: The creator of Things Your Mom should have told you, an online newsletter full of honest, heartfelt wisdom for moms.
• 1:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Joanne knows first-hand what it's like to navigate long-distance relationships with adult kids, and she's learned how faith flexibility and intentionality can bridge the miles.
• 2:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Together, we'll talk about accepting the move, building meaningful rhythms of connection.
• 2:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: and finding comfort in God's presence, even when the distance feels wide.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So grab your coffee, take a deep breath, and let's lean into this tender topic together.
• 2:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome, Joanne.
• 2:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, Pamela, thank you for having me.
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, so glad to have you here.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is such an important topic.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know when moms read the titles, they're going to go, oh, that's me, if that's me.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 2:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's very common predicament.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: We find ourselves in.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think sometimes when we never wanted or imagined, right?
• 2:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, yeah.
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 2:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, Joanne, when you're first adult child, first moved away, what emotions came up for you and how did you process that transition and what helped you accept the reality that this was their next right stuff.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, I would say, first of all, I was kind of like lulled into a false sense of security because both my oldest daughter and my middle child had chosen a university that was within 20 miles of home.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it was really, you know, very easy.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: It was easy for them to come home for a quick visit, didn't feel the sense of distance.
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: We were still in the same metropolitan area.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then my oldest daughter, as she was preparing
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: And this was actually just as the pandemic was beginning.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: She was part of the class of 2020, just as so many families were having kids grown kids return to the nest.
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Faced in the pandemic, she announced that she was looking for a job that would allow her to move to Manhattan.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we actually live just outside of Philadelphia.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: So not super far away, but far enough away.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: How it was that she, what was she thinking of moving outside of the 30 mile radius that I had drawn around in my head around the family homestead, you know, how could she go and do this and I had at least the good sense not to express any of these things out loud and of course, even though I didn't express them out loud, I'm sure she knew that my preference would have been for her to stay closer to home.
• 4:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: But, you know, it was a matter of like doing one of those things that we get so good at once we're the moms of grown children, which is kind of accepting that it's there, their life to live.
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think the thing I always try to remind myself when I struggle is that if God gives us free will and let's us do, you know, make our choices about like if God grants free will that I kind of have to
• 4:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's kind of my fall back, especially when it's a bad day, right?
• 4:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, yeah, I love that.
• 4:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's a beautiful perspective.
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: If God gives us free will, then maybe we should give our kids that too.
• 4:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Honestly, so acceptance then was, it sounds like it wasn't that difficult for you.
• 5:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's amazing.
• 5:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: No, it was hard.
• 5:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, sometimes you know, you fantasize about like, you know, what could I do?
• 5:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, she had, we still have, I'm sentimental.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: So we still have some of the old, you know, Fisher Price toys in the basement or whatever.
• 5:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: And there's like the Fisherware, like go anywhere girls that my, my kids had.
• 5:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, you know, finally we could turn it into the don't go anywhere girls.
• 5:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: We do type of, you know, make, guess, dispel, make them stay.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: And of course, that would have been wrong.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: And, and, you know, you had to respect it.
• 5:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: Luckily, I had a little bit of a break where, you know, she didn't move right away.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: We kind of had the summer together.
• 5:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then she moved in September.
• 5:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: and I would say as I've often found and adjusting to some of the parenting things of the like the letting go sometimes it's worse imagining how it's going to be then when you actually like live through it because you know you tend to imagine like the worst case scenario and you know she had thought everything through, she had a wonderful roommate, she had found a good job, you know so you know everything was set up and it was just you know okay she lived two hours away
• 6:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
• 6:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think one of the mistakes that I made or like the mistaken thought that I had was that our closeness was a function of physical proximity, you know, and if it's important to you that you want to be close to your adult children.
• 6:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, you could think, well, that depends on how close they are, can I see them every week or whatever, and that's a fallacy, I think.
• 6:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, yes, we can desire being able to see them fairly routinely or whatever, but that closeness really comes from a lot more things like communication and mutual respect.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: When you do have the opportunity to be together to, you know, spend that time doing something that, you know, you'll both enjoy or that the family will enjoy.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it wasn't really the closeness wasn't a function of physical proximity.
• 7:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's so important because we can have kids that live 20 minutes away and have such emotional distance that we don't know what to do with.
• 7:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you're right.
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not even about the physical distance.
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Our first child went to college four hours away and he went from a small rural
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: town to a huge metropolitan city.
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it just felt like so many big jumps for him.
• 7:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: But we knew it was what he wanted.
• 7:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we trusted that he would thrive there.
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it was that way with our daughter when she wanted to go seven hours away.
• 7:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're like, oh, what do we
• 7:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, I'm the visit.
• 7:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I said, I know she's going to love it.
• 7:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just know she's going to be there and she just loaded through the day and we both knew by the end of the day that That is where she get it is going to end up and you know what she ended up staying there for Was it eight years.
• 8:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 8:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, she finished college.
• 8:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: She got married.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: She started her career and then when it was time to build a family.
• 8:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: She wanted to meet to move back closer and so she did.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah eight years
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: at the end.
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's a long time.
• 8:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: And though probably went fast.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 8:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 8:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: But we are emotionally very close.
• 8:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just like we were when she was home.
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I love that that point.
• 8:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's very important.
• 8:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think that sometimes long distance relationships with our kids require creativity.
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: So what are some intentional ways that you stay emotionally close even when you can't be physically present?
• 8:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: What does that look like?
• 8:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, I think one of the key ways and it's funny because I was thinking about it the other day of like what things are like when I was the college student versus, you know, kids that one day is a college.
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: And back then like maybe there was like a phone call once a week or something on the the dorm phone that was out in the hallway.
• 9:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, but now with how things have shifted with the the availability of texting.
• 9:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like yes, there are a lot of downsides to everybody having their smart phone or whatever, but don't underestimate the power of the family group chat.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that is a tremendous channel of communication.
• 9:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: even if you're not sure what to say or how if you're uncertain about how what you have to say will be received, you know, picture of the family dog, the cat crawled up or whatever, always, it's always welcomed.
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Let's say.
• 9:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 9:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it's just, it's a chance for you and, you know, their brothers and sisters to kind of like check in of what's going on just like through to, you know, or, you know, photos of what you're doing that particular day.
• 9:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think that that's a tremendous method of communication that we had nothing like that available.
• 9:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I agree.
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think my family text thread is probably one of my favorite places because it's, it's where all the family Laura lives lives on the yoga inside jokes of the teasing about the same things when they were younger.
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: It just never ends and it's my favorite.
• 10:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now we've added their spouses to it too.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's nice.
• 10:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of people.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now there's some of them who prefer.
• 10:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: to remain a little quiet, and that's fine.
• 10:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: And to choose.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right, yeah, no, but I think that that's one way.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think the other thing, I didn't think about this at first, but here's like one of like the building benefits of having a child live away at a distance is that when they do come home for a visit, it's usually a longer visit, and especially if they're staying over in your house, there's great potential for that to turn into something like a sleepover party.
• 10:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, it's, it's great.
• 10:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's, it's nice.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I probably end up spending more time with my kids than I would if they lived in the same metro because they might come home for an afternoon or the for dinner or whatever, but then they would go back to their place.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: So, you know, those are just like wonderful times to play a game or, you know, watch a movie together or pull out old photos or a video from when they were were younger.
• 11:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 11:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think that's a tremendous way to kind of like connect and reconnect with them.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love that.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: When my daughter was away at college seven hours away, we had a scheduled Sunday afternoon call.
• 11:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And she would just fill me in on her life.
• 11:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I would listen, it wasn't even about me having to solve anything for her.
• 11:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was just there to listen to hear to let her process to encourage her and to hear her on, I still can't believe that I let her drive across the country by herself back in court.
• 11:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: just sacrifice me, right?
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would break.
• 11:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would break her home.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, what time you're leaving?
• 11:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yep.
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh gosh, but I think that that's one of the things too, you know, again, like kind of one of the hidden blessings of if your child moves to a new city and they have to figure out how to navigate it on their own and they have to, you know, all of the things that they find out about the city like places that they want to share with you and you come to visit or whatever,
• 12:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if you have the opportunity to just see how they go and they set up a whole life for themselves somewhere, I mentioned the oldest daughter moved to Manhattan.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: The second daughter then and when she graduated moved to Orlando because her dream had always been to work for Disney.
• 12:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: So she went and did that.
• 12:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then my youngest, we actually just a few weeks ago, dropped her off to begin vet school over in London.
• 12:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: So now I have somebody who is 3,544 miles away.
• 12:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I'm not who's counting or anything, but I don't know.
• 12:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: So you know, she's a seven hour plane ride away.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 13:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's difficult.
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, and you're taking her over there to help her get settled.
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, in any time you would no matter where you would leave your child, you know, when I left the other two a college 20 miles from home, there's a certain grief that you feel.
• 13:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I would say the other positive to come out of it is when we were navigating our way around to go and get her what she needed to get settled in her new living space and everything.
• 13:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Is she was the one who is doing the navigating of like, oh, we've got to get on the tube, but if we go to this station to get there.
• 13:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: and just realizing how capable she was and thanking myself, all of those things that we tried to do when she was growing up to enable her to be able to do that and you know achieve what she wanted to achieve like that was part of us doing our job as parents.
• 13:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: So in some ways ironically I'm like, I enabled this to be able to go this far from her.
• 13:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: But that, you know, in the end wasn't that what we all hope for like that, that was us doing our job.
• 14:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: So there was like a certain sense of satisfaction of like, all right, mission accomplished, like here we are, you know, this will be an adjustment for us and for her.
• 14:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: This was, you know, where it was supposed to be headed.
• 14:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, I love that seeing that you actually equipped her to be independent to be able to find her way around a city she had never probably been to.
• 14:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: So how did how does it work with the time differences in your communication how do you do that?
• 14:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, I mean, we're still learning it's a five hour time difference, so we have to be mindful, you know, my husband and I are probably going to connect with her tonight around dinner time, which will be just before she goes to bed, there's some learnings with that and we'll face time her, which will give us a chance to, you know, see one another a chance for her to, you know, see the family pets and everything else.
• 14:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: we're working in that out and we're trying to figure out like how does it work if you want to send her a care package so like there will be logistics to figure out and you know how will it work for her coming home for the holidays and all there are things but you will work it out like there's a learning curve for sure
• 15:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: But it's very manageable.
• 15:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: The other thing I think in terms of trying to have a sense of perspective about it, when you think of what the world was like 50 years or 100 years ago, we didn't have as many communication options as we do today.
• 15:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it really is easier to stay in close or contact than it would have been before.
• 15:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love what you said.
• 15:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: You said it's manageable and I think that's really a good story for moms to tell themselves like this distance is manageable.
• 15:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can do it because our child has desired it.
• 15:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is their dream.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is their wish.
• 15:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is their life and our job is to support them in that.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: So to be anything other than supportive is really a disservice to your relationship.
• 16:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh yeah.
• 16:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so so I want to know.
• 16:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So is she's coming home for the holidays and then the other thing is you have great places to visit.
• 16:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: You get to go.
• 16:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and now we found that with the with the other two to I mean, with having somebody as I said, my middle daughter went and worked for Disney.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it was a chance to read mission tickets to did, you know, they have no passes that we.
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: visited the Disney parks and just to have more of the perspective of a little bit of a peak behind the scenes or you know it was just something interesting to see that you might not otherwise have had a chance to say with my oldest up in New York certainly there are many parts of like we had certainly been to New York before but there are lots of parts of the city that we hadn't
• 17:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: very small quarters and how that all worked and that wasn't something that we were used to either, but seeing an or how she figured that out and navigated it, we've always lived in the suburbs of the idea of the existence without a car.
• 17:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And that was a facet of life that she had to adapt to.
• 17:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: So you do learn and you do see other parts of the country.
• 17:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: When you go there, you have like a very knowledgeable
• 17:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: willing and happy to take you around and show you things that they think you'll enjoy so it It does offer a lot of opportunities for family bonding and family love people.
• 17:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, my friend Suzy Mile who wrote emptiness bless she says that one of the best things you can do is to get on your kids turf and Experience their life.
• 17:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: So just follow them around see what it's like.
• 17:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think
• 17:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: going to London with your daughter and she shows you all the things and her favorite place to shop and her favorite restaurants and what where she works like what it gives that's yeah no it is and it is a gift and and you know you don't want to get lost in like not see that because you're so caught up again on the idea of like the physical distance yes
• 18:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey mama, if your house feels too quiet and your heart feels too heavy after launching your child, I've created a guide just for you.
• 18:22
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• 18:25
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• 18:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Inside, you'll find six reflection questions that will help you name your feelings and invite God into the grief and experience his comfort in the middle of change.
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Remember, transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you to one piece, purpose, and joy.
• 18:48
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• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now,
• 18:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's get back to our conversation.
• 18:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: So how is your faith played a role in just helping you get through releasing control and trusting God with your child's life, especially when you can't see them or step in right away when they need something.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think the one thing that I, I, that I first crowded myself with was thinking if I, and I really believe that God has a plan for my life, just like he has a plan for your life.
• 19:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then I also believe he has a plan for each of my daughters lives.
• 19:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: So
• 19:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Unfortunately, however, I would say I'm fortunately on the face of it, but however he has it's structured, you know, if they are called to be someplace else, then they're called to be someplace else, and that's part of his plan.
• 19:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: You can't help but question sometimes, but if you do, if you are a person of faith and you believe in that, you kind of have to accept that the plan may not interact for a while, you know, but there's a piece of
• 19:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I love that.
• 20:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think we can it's good to just trust God to know that his plans are higher than ours.
• 20:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I realize this as I was raising my kids.
• 20:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't ever once think about the days when they would not be around.
• 20:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So when we got to that phase where they were, we were all in four different states.
• 20:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think one season we were in five different states, the seven of us.
• 20:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that was like, I had never met that it would be like this.
• 20:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And yet it is and it is good.
• 20:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it was.
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so this acceptance and this trusting that this is God's play.
• 20:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is God's will for families.
• 20:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's okay.
• 20:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a good.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: The other thing that I think about or I meditate on is just the idea.
• 20:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think sometimes about how it was for Mary at the wedding feast of Piccana and really.
• 20:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: in a lot of ways she precipitated what what happened in terms of making our Lord aware that there was in need there and you know you have to wonder what was Mary thinking like she had to have a sense that if she encouraged Jesus to begin his public ministry.
• 21:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, she knew that could possibly mean that he would be, he'd be leaving the village.
• 21:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: He would go and he would be called, moving on to greater things.
• 21:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think about that a lot because, you know, in a way, when once your child reaches adulthood, and they are called to go and follow whatever path is their path.
• 21:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes that does.
• 21:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: mean them moving away from you.
• 21:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: But that's exactly that's part of the plan.
• 21:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, just like Mary kind of had a let go and in fact had to be the one who was like, hey, you know, it's time that's that's just that's how it works.
• 22:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's what we can do to and we can partner with the Lord in it.
• 22:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love.
• 22:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: So many moms wrestle with disappointment when calls are short or visits are infrequent.
• 22:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: How do you manage expectations without resentment and what rhythms have worked for your family?
• 22:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Have you ever faced that?
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Disappointment.
• 22:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, I think like the one thing that strikes me is you said about expectations and there's that quote that says expectations are resentments under construction.
• 22:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, so like I try to just as much as I can to like like go and be free of an expected, you know, it's difficult because it's human nature like we all kind of have ideas how we would like to see things unfold, but that's kind of, you know, acceptance is kind.
• 22:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: it's kind of like the skill to develop.
• 22:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: So, so I think that that's the thing to kind of like loosely hold your expectations.
• 22:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I would say for one thing.
• 22:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then, you know, beyond that, I've found it usually works best if you can let your child kind of ideally let them set the
• 23:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: each of them kind of has a different like preferred frequency in terms of how long they interact.
• 23:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's not a blanket thing or you could think, oh well, well, you know, well, from the same family, we're using the same dynamics, but they just there's like a different cadence and I would say even though there's a different cadence, it's not as though I feel like you're necessarily closer to one child than the other, but I think kind of like
• 23:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: just kind of protect you maybe from a lot a little bit of the resistance that might otherwise ensue if you're, well, I expect to hear from you every weekend.
• 23:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 23:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, is I couldn't agree with you more.
• 23:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have five kids and our level of communication is vastly different and I have to be okay with it.
• 24:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am okay with it because that's just how they're wired and that's how they're made.
• 24:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's
• 24:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the phase they are in life and so it really helps us not to be resentful acceptance acceptance and you said the key thing was letting your child lead it's not the temple that I set for the child it's the temple they set and what they need in the relationship some of my kids don't need to talk more than once a month some of my kids I talk several times a week
• 24:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right, or it's situational to them going through something or whatever, they're just, you know, there's more interaction depending on what's going on in the family, somebody's You know, there's a greater frequency of communication.
• 24:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think the biggest thing that helps with that, too, is if, you know,
• 24:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes it helps to step back and not take it personally.
• 24:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, it's not a personal affront to you if you don't hear from them all the time.
• 24:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And probably, you know, even if you checked with some of their, if there's a child that doesn't communicate with you is frequently.
• 25:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: and you check with the siblings who maybe do hear from like that, they may not have to hear from their sibling is frequently either.
• 25:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I think that that's they don't want to fall for the lie of like, oh, it's just you, it's just you.
• 25:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Uh, exactly.
• 25:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yep.
• 25:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't take things pretty much.
• 25:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: I see you.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 25:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 25:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: So many good, so many good tidbits today.
• 25:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: What encouragement would you give to the mom who's struggling right now?
• 25:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Who's a adult child just move far away?
• 25:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And she feels like the miles are stealing her connection.
• 25:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: What can she do?
• 25:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think the first thing is it's kind of just acknowledge it, you know, and let, you know, you have to let the pain be there like don't you can't pretend to the West.
• 25:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: So in some ways, you may be grieving for a season of life, you know, that's now shifted into a different stage.
• 25:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think.
• 26:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: It helps to be gentle with yourself, to remind yourself that it won't always be this way, it will evolve, you know, your relationship will evolve, your comfort level will evolve with this new like stage in your life and their life.
• 26:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: So just kind of give it some time, we're used to, we often desire quick fixes, turn around and it doesn't always work like that.
• 26:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think to part of it is like us adjusting to like our new season in life.
• 26:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: But it isn't just the fact that they moved away like he's, it's hard to give up the role of a lifetime, right?
• 26:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Being a parent.
• 26:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, it's a lot of work when you're in the trenches, but it's also many respects the greatest job you'll ever have.
• 26:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it's natural to feel some grief or regret about the fact that that's coming to an end.
• 26:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: But if you can kind of get past that, it also opens up other opportunities, which you moving into a different stage of your life, and you probably now have more time.
• 27:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: You may have more say, so you may not feel as compelled as you have felt for the past 20, 25, you 30 years.
• 27:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Of your folk, you know, you were all it probably always giving priority to your family responsibilities.
• 27:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: So now you do have a time to go back and look at
• 27:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: What interest did you put up on the shelf because you were just in you were so busy with all of your other responsibilities.
• 27:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: You didn't have time for that
• 27:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: or maybe there's other people, maybe you have elderly relatives yourself and they can benefit from more of your time and attention now too.
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's other people in your community, you know, just your caregiving responsibilities have shifted but it doesn't mean that there's not something, sure God has other things on his to do list for you.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it doesn't matter of sorting out what it might be.
• 27:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I love that.
• 28:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: God's back done with us yet.
• 28:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is the beginning of a whole new, wonderful season.
• 28:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm telling you, I love the emptiness.
• 28:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's beautiful.
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think the other thing is too I realized is you know, I really we had several years together my husband and I before the kids came along and I really love that season I don't know why it took me you know several years to think of them like hey, this is kind of like that again It's not exactly the same where you just have more money right it's a different you know It's a different season but like yeah some of the things we used to enjoy Doing before we had the responsibility of children, you know
• 28:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: that's kind of like that again.
• 28:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: So that's nice.
• 28:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
• 28:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, that's awesome.
• 28:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Joanne, I want to thank you for being here.
• 28:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you could, please let my listeners know where they can find your work online and then a helpful resource you have for them.
• 28:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
• 28:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: You can find out more about what I'm up to.
• 28:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: I have a website called thingsyourmom should have told you.com.
• 29:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: And what I do is I offer Whitton Wisdom for people who are navigating young adulthood.
• 29:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: So everything from the big picture of figuring out how to build a life, a meaningful life for yourself, to dealing with the different types of dilemmas that crop up when in your 20s.
• 29:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if you go to thingsyourmom should have told you.com,
• 29:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: You can sign up for a weekly newsletter that either, you know, you can enjoy or of course you could always share it with your kids and hopefully it will help give them some guidance for navigating the road ahead.
• 29:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Wonderful.
• 29:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I will leave that link in the show notes.
• 29:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, what a rich conversation with Joanne.
• 29:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love how she reminded us that really it's about accepting God's design plan and call on your child's life and that he's not done with you.
• 29:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can still have connection even when your kids are far away.
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 29:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
• 30:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 30:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: This week, I want you to try one thing you can do as a way to connect with your child long distance.
• 30:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's send them a note.
• 30:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's just hop on the phone and say,
• 30:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let them lead it.
• 30:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't get upset if they're not available.
• 30:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Remember they set the tone.
• 30:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Mama, if you're grown child lives far away, take heart.
• 30:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: The same God who got into them to this new chapter is guiding you to.
• 30:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to fill every moment to fix every feeling.
• 30:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just stay runnin' in love and that God do what only he can do.
• 30:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: If this episode encourages you, share it with another mom who's missing her kids today.
• 30:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Until next time, Grace and Peace Mama, you've got this and God's got you.
• 30:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 30:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hope you leave each episode feeling a little more encouraged, equipped, and seen, because that's what this space is all about.
• 31:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Through the stories, insights, and conversations we share here, I'm coaching you through the ups and downs of the empty nest, helping you rediscover purpose, deepen faith, and enjoy this new season of life.
• 31:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're ready for an even more personalized support, I'd love to invite you to book a free connection column.
• 31:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: The link is in the show notes, and we'll talk about how I can walk alongside you as your coach.
• 31:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And let's stay connected.
• 31:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Follow me on Instagram at P-Hagelman.
• 31:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or come find me on Facebook at Pamela Hingelman M-D-Nest Coach.
• 31:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to figure this all out on your own mama.
• 31:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm here for you when you're ready.