Latest / Virtuous Leaders with Dr. Johann D'Souza / Ep.66 – Jordan Langdon: Reclaiming Family Culture With Faith, Fun & Mission | Catholic Parenting | Family Mission Statement | Virtuous Leadership | Marriage & Prayer

Transcript

Ep.66 – Jordan Langdon: Reclaiming Family Culture With Faith, Fun & Mission | Catholic Parenting | Family Mission Statement | Virtuous Leadership | Marriage & Prayer · Virtuous Leaders with Dr. Johann D'Souza

0:00
Out of the blue, she just said, mom, I don't think dad wants to
0:03
live here anymore. I don't think he wants to move,
0:07
but I don't think he really wants to live here.
0:11
She was four years old. And Johan, I have to tell you,
0:14
in that moment, my jaw just dropped.
0:16
As a therapist for so many years.
0:21
You're the CEO of Families of Character.
0:23
How do you help families? Yes.
0:25
So the way we help families is really through coaching and
0:30
coaching in small groups. So we coach parents who are
0:37
raising kids that are school age.
0:39
Some parents come to us and they just have, you know, a baby or
0:45
two toddlers. But we've also coached couples
0:49
all the way up to having a few kids in college and then a few
0:53
more still at home in high school.
0:55
So coaching is our primary way that we help families.
0:59
What do you do in that coaching? So what we do is we help parents
1:04
identify like and, and form a unique family mission statement.
1:09
So we really feel like if, if parents are just sort of
1:14
blocking and tackling as things come at them when raising kids,
1:19
then they end up sort of succumbing to the pressures of
1:22
the culture. And without having a real
1:26
mission or vision for their family, they're just becoming
1:31
overwhelmed. They're coming, becoming
1:33
overwhelmed by the calendar, not having proper time for
1:38
prioritizing their marriage and family life.
1:41
And so we start by just identifying, you know, what are
1:45
your values? What is the mission and vision
1:49
that you have for your family? And a lot of times it takes
1:53
parents a long time to sort of, you know, take a breath and get
1:59
back into that state of dreaming that they were in when they
2:03
first got married, before they had kids.
2:05
But once they're able to do that, they're able to, we're
2:08
able to help them through sort of seven different kind of
2:12
fundamental categories to establish their values and to
2:17
claim them as their own. So we really start with the
2:20
mission and vision of the family.
2:22
And then we have we go into the tactics of how do you live out
2:28
your family mission now that you've claimed that?
2:31
And this all came out of something that my husband and I
2:36
kind of put together after really running into some
2:39
hardship. We were like most families, I
2:43
mean married. I had three kids.
2:46
Our kids were in private schools.
2:48
I had a private practice as a counselor.
2:50
He had his own business as a a wealth manager.
2:53
And you know, we were going to church every Sunday.
2:58
Our kids were well behaved. They were in a few sports.
3:01
And so we thought like things were going along pretty well
3:05
until one day when I was giving my daughter a bath.
3:08
It was the end of a long day. I had been my private practice
3:11
kind of all day. Seeing clients was just
3:14
exhausted, you know, that second-half of the day where
3:16
you're just like, oh, I need, you know, a second cup of coffee
3:19
or something to get me through this, you know, bedtime and
3:23
dinner and dishes and diapers, all, all the things you have to
3:26
do at night. And I was giving her a bath and
3:29
she had her eyes closed and I was shampooing her hair.
3:34
So she was like waving her hair around in the tub like a
3:36
mermaid. And I was just sort of doing the
3:39
next thing to get through it, you know?
3:42
And out of the blue, she just said, mom, I don't think Dad
3:46
wants to live here anymore. I don't think he wants to move,
3:51
but I don't think he really wants to live here.
3:54
She was four years old. And Johan, I have to tell you,
3:58
in that moment, my jaw just dropped.
4:00
As a therapist for so many years, I knew that like,
4:04
developmentally she shouldn't like, this is something she
4:08
would just make up, you know, or she heard on a cartoon or
4:11
something. But this had to have come from a
4:13
much deeper place where she was obviously experiencing some
4:18
division in us as parents and as a married couple.
4:22
And so I just like, you know, got her out of the tub and, and
4:27
she said, you know, just about as quickly as she said, I don't
4:30
think dad wants to live here anymore.
4:31
She said, could I get a snack before bed?
4:36
Like, well, sure, you could have a snack.
4:39
You know, let's let's do change that topic.
4:42
That was painful. So I gave her a snack and got
4:44
her into bed and everything. And then I sort of tiptoed into
4:48
my bedroom where my husband was. And I said, hey, babe, are you
4:53
thinking about moving or leaving at all?
4:56
And he says, well, why do you ask again?
5:01
I was like, oh, no, I'm a therapist.
5:03
Like it's bad news when someone answers a question with a
5:06
question, you know, this isn't good.
5:08
So I'm tuning in. And I said, well, this is what
5:11
Annie just said. And I'm just sort of shocked.
5:15
And he said, that's interesting. He's kind of nodding his head
5:18
and he he puts his his hand on his chin and he is looking up at
5:21
the ceiling. And I could tell that he was
5:23
choosing his words very carefully.
5:26
And he said, well, I'm not planning on on moving or
5:32
leaving, but he said, you're just like really not fun to live
5:36
with. And in that moment, it was like
5:40
immediate agreement from me. I was like, you're right, I am
5:46
not fun to live with. I live with me, right?
5:50
First and foremost, I hear myself nagging and yelling at
5:54
the kids when I come home from work because there's backpacks
5:58
on the ground and, and there's dishes in the sink from
6:01
breakfast and nobody seems to have gotten started on their
6:04
homework yet. Like I'm, I'm correcting them
6:07
before I even connect with them. No.
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And I, I knew that, you know, there were, there was distance
6:15
between my husband and I because I felt like I could hardly even
6:19
see him anymore. Like there was this fog between
6:22
the two of us that just wasn't there before we had kids.
6:25
And so I knew that he was sort of silently suffering on the
6:30
sidelines, but yet I couldn't seem to get myself out of that
6:37
pattern of sort of taking care of everything for everyone.
6:42
I had just developed this pattern of of sort of serving my
6:46
my children when they were first born because by my nature, it,
6:50
it felt right. And I felt very equipped to know
6:54
the sound of their cry and know what to do about that.
6:59
But, but I just took it a bit too far.
7:02
I just continued to serve them and do things for them when they
7:06
were perfectly capable of learning these skills on their
7:10
own. And then my husband Josh would
7:12
say, Jordan, let's, let's teach them how to do their own
7:15
laundry. Let's teach them how to clean up
7:18
after themselves. And I'd like to help with that.
7:20
And I, I would just dismiss it. I would really just say, no,
7:25
I've got it, I've got it. Like, we don't have time to do
7:28
all this. We, we got to get on to the next
7:30
thing, you know? And so I, without even realizing
7:34
it, I, I just sort of like put him on the bench, right?
7:37
And I was out on the field with the ball in my hand, like
7:40
running for the end zone. I knew what our family needed.
7:43
I knew we all wanted to, you know, win this game of life, but
7:48
I was really being kind of a ball hog.
7:51
And I didn't even realize it until that night when when both
7:55
Annie and my husband had said this.
7:58
And it was like, at that moment, I looked around the field and I
8:02
saw, man, we're all wearing the the same colored jersey with the
8:06
same last name, right? We're all living under the same
8:09
roof, sharing the same last name.
8:11
But I have put everyone on the sideline and I'm doing this on
8:16
my own. And at that that moment, I just
8:19
realized, man, this overwhelm, this burnout is, is is not what
8:27
we were meant for. You know, we were meant to
8:29
function as a unified team with my husband and I as a true
8:34
captains of the team and our children as great players and
8:39
you know, these these willing participants who want to engage
8:45
and, and really want to to pitch in and help out.
8:49
And so it was then, I think like most things, you know, that this
8:54
idea of claiming a family mission statement and really
8:58
doing a weekly family huddle where we huddle up once a week
9:04
to look at the calendar and and see what we have going on as an
9:09
entire family. My husband and my kids and I, so
9:13
that we could all pitch in and solve the problems of the family
9:16
calendar, you know, came from this place of like, hey, we're
9:21
feeling divided. I'm feeling resentful.
9:24
My husband's feeling kind of like, you know, he's just
9:29
started out in a position of like copilot or pilot before our
9:33
kids came. And now he's like hollering at
9:36
at us from the trunk, like, come on, like this, you know, get me
9:40
back in the front seat. This is where I thrive.
9:42
So Long story short, that's that's where our coaching
9:46
program came out of is, is our own pain.
9:49
And what worked for us to really reorder the priorities in the
9:52
relationships in our family to where our faith was
9:56
foundational's first, our marriage 2nd, and then the unity
10:01
of our entire family with our kids third.
10:05
Amazing. Jordan, thanks very much for
10:07
sharing that. That's very powerful.
10:09
You're welcome. There there's so much in what
10:12
you just said to unpack. I think just that intro that you
10:16
gave is enough for a whole parenting parenting course.
10:21
Some questions that come to mind that are how how did you come to
10:24
decide that mission vision and values weekly huddle are
10:29
important? Is it something you just learn
10:30
from experience or something you read somewhere?
10:33
And how do you convince someone that is worthwhile?
10:39
And specifically addressing the objection that I can hear in my
10:42
head from others that it just seems it can make maybe seem
10:46
forced or stilted. And did successful parents 100
10:50
years ago use these strategies? How would you address that?
10:54
Well, I think a couple things. One, we had read different
10:58
parenting books, you know, when we were young parents trying to
11:02
get it all figured out and get advice from the best.
11:05
And my husband had ran into this idea of developing a family
11:09
mission statement. And I think he read it out of a
11:11
business book, right? Where all good businesses have a
11:14
strong mission statement and and a vision for their organization.
11:18
Where do we want to go? What are we striving to do?
11:22
And both of us just thought, you know, that just makes so much
11:25
sense for our family. You know, like as a couple, we
11:28
make a covenant to each other because our our vocation, our
11:33
primary vocation is to marriage. And so for us to claim what our
11:38
values are and what we believe in and then set that trajectory
11:43
for our kids going forward in the future so that we can make
11:47
all decisions sort of based on that mission and vision we have
11:51
of our family just made sense. It's like we don't make a
11:54
covenant with our boss or with our Co workers or really even
11:59
with our children, you know, but we do make a covenant with each
12:02
other when we get married. And so we thought, man, as a
12:06
united team, I think it's really important for us to, you know,
12:11
be thoughtful about the direction of our family.
12:15
The other thing is we realized without a mission or a vision,
12:19
you are just like bobbing and weaving on the field, right?
12:22
Everything's coming at you. And because maybe you're busy,
12:25
you're tired, your energy tank is low, you're saying yes to
12:30
things that aren't really moving the ball down the field towards
12:34
the direction you want to go. Being Room Mom, Wow, it sounds
12:38
like a great thing to do. Sign up to be Room Mom for first
12:41
grade. You might not have the bandwidth
12:44
right. It's not that it's not a good
12:46
thing, but too much of, of a good thing is never a good
12:50
thing, right? So you're saying yes to all
12:52
these things as young parents. But then when you stop to look
12:56
at what you're doing and the, the volume at which you're
12:59
doing, you know, these things, you realize that we've gotten
13:03
way off track of what we really want for our marriage.
13:06
To be able to have time to date each other in married life, To
13:11
have time to, you know, have a little staycation in town at a
13:15
hotel every quarter to review the upcoming three months and,
13:19
and see, you know, what is it? What vision do we have for our
13:22
kids for this upcoming summer? What type of season do we want
13:26
to have as a family? Without this mission and vision,
13:30
you're just, you're in a reactive state versus being
13:35
responsive and intentional. And so for that reason alone, I
13:39
mean, we, we thought like, let's, let's get at this.
13:42
It doesn't have to be perfect, but we have to start somewhere
13:45
with a baseline kind of mission and vision for our family.
13:50
So how would listeners come up with a mission and vision values
13:52
for their family? You know, I think you can start
13:56
first by just saying, you know, what are our top three
13:59
priorities and families of character?
14:01
We feel like the, the number one top priority, if you are a
14:05
person of faith, ought to be your faith.
14:08
So we tell people like for us, we're Christians.
14:11
So we say like our relationship with God is #1 what, what?
14:16
Let's, let's write out two to three sentences that would sort
14:21
of explain what we are striving for in our relationship with
14:25
God. So in our family, we say, you
14:28
know, we know and love God the Father.
14:30
We follow Jesus as our example and then we call on the Holy
14:35
Spirit to guide us in our daily lives.
14:38
So that's our, our statement about our faith first and
14:42
foremost. And then we say, and, and the
14:43
second thing in your mission and vision should be the second
14:45
priority for you, which again, we believe should be your
14:50
marriage. You know, back in Genesis, like
14:53
God created Adam and Eve before children were created.
14:57
And so we know that the foundation of every family is
15:01
the marriage. And so we say, you know, as
15:04
spouse, we serve each other to grow in love and we work as one
15:09
to move the family forward. And that's it.
15:12
That just helps us to remember that, you know, we serve our
15:16
family to grow in love. We serve each other.
15:19
Then we serve our children. Our children learn how to serve
15:23
each other and us and their friendships and, and their
15:28
spouse one day. So that was a priority to us.
15:32
And then third, we we talk about family.
15:35
What type of family do we want to be in case we have God, we
15:38
have spouse and then our relationship with family.
15:41
And one of the things we encourage couples to do is to
15:45
ask your kids if they're old enough to really kind of get
15:49
this is like, what kind of family are we?
15:52
What sets us apart from people in our neighborhood or people at
15:57
church? Like, what are we sort of known
16:00
for that we really want to keep up because it's us like living
16:04
out our gifting. And So what we say is in our
16:08
family, we've got each other's backs and we say we're
16:11
interactive, we're fun and we're adventurous.
16:16
And so that helps us from, you know, remember that our family
16:21
isn't meant to to be sort of lived out in this quiet life
16:25
inside our home after work hours.
16:28
But we really want to get out and interact with people
16:32
wherever we are, with the clerk of the grocery store or, you
16:36
know, someone we see coming out of a store that maybe without
16:39
food. And so we're interactive, We're
16:42
fun. We like to have fun, right?
16:44
Part of the reason we put that in, Johan have to admit, is that
16:48
my husband and I tend to be pretty serious, driven people.
16:52
And so we don't want to be pretty serious and driven people
16:55
all the time. We want to let loose and be
16:57
playful and have fun. And so we made sure to put that
17:01
in our mission statement because it's something we're striving
17:03
for. It doesn't mean we have it down.
17:05
It just means that that's an important thing we want to to
17:09
strive for on on a daily basis. And then just that we're
17:12
adventurous. We've been to 49 out of 50
17:15
States and in the last five years as an entire family.
17:20
And I truly believe the reason we've been able to accomplish
17:22
that goal is because we've had a mission for six years that we've
17:27
recited every day or every every week during our family huddle
17:31
and then inside of our family huddles.
17:33
We talk about like, guys, what do you want to do?
17:36
What kind of goals do you have? What would you like to
17:39
accomplish? What's one goal we could work to
17:41
accomplish week to week, but also like long term?
17:46
And so because we're taking care of the business of the family on
17:50
a weekly basis, we all know what's going on in the calendar
17:53
week to week. We're managing the day-to-day
17:57
and we have a pulse on things. We are looking three months out.
18:00
That frees us up to be able to dream again about what we want
18:04
to do 36912 months from now, to really live out this goal of
18:10
being fun and adventurous and sharing our faith in our lives
18:13
with other people. Beautiful.
18:16
So you have the mission, vision, values, weekly huddle, regular
18:20
date night, quarterly staycation.
18:23
What? What else would you add on to
18:25
that? So another really interesting
18:27
statistic we found is that because we're realizing, I think
18:31
this was a Pew Research study that that showed that varied
18:35
couples, even Christians are divorcing at 50%.
18:40
And it improves if you, well, actually this is interesting.
18:45
If you get married for a second time, your chance of divorce is
18:48
76%. So it's even higher than the
18:51
first. Marriage.
18:51
It gets higher each time, yes. But if you're going to church
18:55
with your spouse every Sunday, your chance of divorce reduces
18:59
to 26%. So we encourage people of faith
19:03
to go worship together, go to church together.
19:06
This is this is safeguards your marriage.
19:08
It's a great example to your kids.
19:10
Your kids are more likely to keep their faith if their dad
19:13
goes to church and actually leads the charge in in getting
19:17
the kids then and the family all to worship service on the
19:20
weekends. But then this is crazy.
19:23
If couples pray together as husband and wife, aside from
19:28
family prayer, if they pray together daily, their chance of
19:32
divorce goes down to .006. Less than 1% chance.
19:40
Wow, that's amazing. Yes.
19:41
So we coach couples on how to pray together and believe it or
19:46
not, it sounds like, and I tell people, I say, you know, there's
19:49
only 90 seconds of your day. If you invest 90 seconds in your
19:53
marriage through shared prayer, you safeguard your marriage by
19:57
so much, right? Like, this is a simple thing
20:02
that we can put into practice. But you know that simple things
20:05
aren't always easy, right? Praying together is very
20:09
vulnerable for folks, right? Like it might be their most
20:13
intimate relationship that they have is their relationship with
20:17
God and their quiet prayers that they have with God that the
20:20
struggles they share with God. And so if you can go overcome
20:24
the obstacles, which are usually our thoughts, which I know you
20:28
know because you're a cognitive behavioral therapist, right?
20:30
The things that we think about are what really prevent us from
20:35
doing certain things. And so through our coaching, we
20:38
help men actually pray for their wives.
20:42
And it's a very specific sort of posture, too.
20:46
We say, hey, you know, before you leave the house in the
20:48
morning, go find your wife, stand up with her, hold her
20:53
hand, both of you, close your eyes and just say a simple
20:57
prayer. Lord, thank you for this
21:00
beautiful, sunshiny Colorado day.
21:03
I just ask that you help Jordan in in the activities she has of
21:09
her day, give her patience with the kids home this this summer,
21:13
help her to to find pockets of intentional focus in her work
21:18
today. And Lord, we just ask that you
21:22
help us both to grow closer to each other and closer to you.
21:26
Amen. That's it, that's it, right.
21:29
And then he goes off to work and I feel like, and back in
21:34
college, in the movies, they told me I would feel most
21:38
pursued by my husband if I got the big ring, if we went on the
21:43
big surprise vacation, if every year on Valentine's Day, I was
21:47
just more overwhelmed by the gift he picked out for me.
21:50
And I'm like, no, it's this like my husband prioritizing inviting
21:55
God into our marriage every day for 90 seconds, him coming to
22:00
find me in our home and just hold my hands like we did on our
22:04
wedding day, just for a simple short period of time.
22:08
Like this is this feels like beyond anything else in terms of
22:13
being pursued and really loved and prioritized in the family.
22:18
So that's part of our coaching and it takes some time.
22:22
It takes It's probably the number one most difficult thing
22:25
for couples to get into a habit of.
22:28
Is this praying together as husband and wife?
22:33
Listening to you is a blessing. I really appreciate you sharing
22:35
this. Oh, thank you.
22:38
So do you have how does the coaching work?
22:40
Do you have a video series that if couples are not in Colorado,
22:44
they could watch and join along with?
22:47
I don't yet, but that seems to be something that people are
22:51
asking for. I have a hesitation in it just
22:54
because I know the value of in person coaching.
22:58
And by that I mean all of our coaching is done over Zoom.
23:00
So we've coached people over the United States.
23:03
Last year I coached 46 couples. And so they were grouped in
23:07
cohorts of, you know, sometimes nobody was within 203 hundred
23:13
miles of where they lived. And I really think that, you
23:19
know, it could be of a value to record some, some workshops and
23:23
the same type of thing. And I suppose that I'll, I'll
23:27
probably work on that over the next, you know, six months for
23:30
people who just can't make it happen live.
23:34
But my goal is that through this coaching, I tend to coach other
23:38
couples who end up having transformations where they feel
23:42
called to lead groups in a face to face, even over over zoom.
23:48
But live coaching, 'cause I just think that feedback, hearing
23:52
from other couples is so important.
23:55
That's where most of the growth happens.
23:57
When there's one guy that shows up and says, Oh yeah, we went on
24:02
this great date last week. We hadn't been on a date in
24:04
three weeks, but it was simpler than I thought it was.
24:08
And man, the the wife expresses how, you know, awesome it was
24:13
that he set things up or however it went and she's beaming, you
24:16
know, and they can see her. Then other guys really level up
24:20
in the group and same thing with with the prayer.
24:23
It's like, oh man, I'm struggling.
24:25
And This is why I just can't get over this part.
24:27
Or, you know, we've had a lot of history with criticizing each
24:31
other in our relationship. And so I'm just really nervous
24:34
to even try this because I'm afraid this is like the last
24:37
card I have to play. And if I put that out there and,
24:40
you know, she criticizes me or corrects me in some way that
24:44
this is really going to, you know, break me down.
24:46
And so that live interaction with groups is, is what I think
24:52
is probably the most helpful about this coaching.
24:54
So I'm hoping that, you know, over time, you refine the
24:59
coaching, see what sticks and what works best for couples and,
25:02
and watch couples over time. Are you keeping up your family
25:06
huddle? Do you still keep your mission
25:09
statement, you know, top of mind?
25:12
Are you praying together? Are you dating each other?
25:15
And once you follow them over the course of a couple years,
25:19
then inviting them kind of into that deeper space of, you know,
25:22
would you want to offer this for a group in your neighborhood or
25:27
a group of couples who signed up online?
25:31
With the time commitment if people sign up for this coaching
25:33
program. So it's called a thriving family
25:35
accelerator and the accelerator part of the course is 6 weeks.
25:39
So it's weekly evenings right now.
25:43
We have Tuesday evening to 7:30 to 9:00 PM and, and the next
25:49
cohort will launch, you know, in the fall.
25:51
We take kind of the summer off. But yeah, so it's 690 minute
25:56
sessions. And then after that what we
25:59
offer, which is just we're nonprofits.
26:01
So we can do this. We, we want to be sure that
26:04
people can afford to participate, but we also meet up
26:09
monthly after the six weeks as a kind of a continuation coaching
26:14
to make sure that people are keeping up with these new, these
26:18
three new habits. And if they aren't, what's
26:21
happening, what's what's going on that they've fallen off or,
26:26
you know, deprioritized something.
26:28
And so that's for an extra 10 months.
26:31
So the whole program is is essentially a year long.
26:36
Just to clarify, what are those 3 habits?
26:38
Having a weekly family huddle to include your kids and then
26:42
praying together daily as husband and wife and then weekly
26:46
dates. And we emphasize, man, we have
26:49
kids. We get it.
26:50
Dating does not mean spending money and going somewhere fancy.
26:55
We have a list of date at home kind of ideas that have been
27:00
really awesome for people in our community.
27:02
And husband and wife consider like, yeah, that that counts.
27:07
You know, you put it on the calendar when it comes up, you
27:10
actually participate in it instead of, you know, deleting
27:14
it or scheduling something over it.
27:16
And then week after week, couples are feeling pursued and
27:20
and, you know, intentionally prioritized.
27:23
And it doesn't have to be fancy and break the bank.
27:28
I want to highlight two aspects of your original kind of
27:32
conversion to the truth of what makes you for a successful
27:36
family. So these two aspects are one,
27:39
what I would call tone or atmosphere.
27:42
So it's kind of a subtle concept, but it's what do people
27:46
feel when they're in the family and your husband characterized
27:52
it as being it's not fun. Whereas the tone you're going
27:57
for, which he subsequently clarified in your mission is
28:00
fun, adventurous, optimistic. So it's a, it's a subtle thing.
28:06
It's hard to put into words often times.
28:09
But I, I wonder if that's actually the most most important
28:15
guiding principle as we go about our day.
28:20
My experience with this is leading trips for high
28:24
schoolers. And you know, there's always,
28:27
OK, how do we, how do we form them intellectually,
28:30
spiritually, challenge them to grow and virtue, help them to
28:34
serve and keep this got to keep the schedule packed so there's
28:37
no minute of wasted time. They're not bored.
28:41
But all those things aside, the most important thing and the
28:46
thing that they remember once they've forgotten everything
28:49
else is how did I feel when I was there?
28:54
And just that positive, cheerful, loving family tone.
29:00
I, I, I think is the best thing the leader can do.
29:04
In your case, that would be the parents of the family.
29:08
And it is often in direct conflict with activism doing
29:15
this late excessive madness of just engaging in, in activities
29:21
as if they're an end in themselves.
29:24
So the second thing, well, do you have any comments on that
29:27
before anyone? No, you're absolutely right.
29:29
I mean, just if you think about yourself when you join a group
29:33
or go out with a group of people, you don't remember what
29:37
they said, every little word or every, you know, change in the
29:40
schedule, but you do remember that feeling that you were left
29:43
with, you know, and it's it's either, you know, really
29:47
positive and connected like, wow, I think I love those
29:51
people, you know, and like a deep way I learned more about
29:54
them. I learned more about myself.
29:56
This is awesome. So no, I think you're spot on.
29:58
Like the that is the culture of the family that you're
30:01
developing is overall feeling that they are connected, that
30:05
they belong right and they have a true place in the family, in
30:09
the group. Yeah, it's like I go out to
30:14
breakfast regularly with my best friend.
30:16
And if I think back to the last time we met, I don't remember
30:18
exactly what we talked about, but I, I just like laugh when I
30:22
just think about just hanging out with them just because it's,
30:25
I know we've had so much fun, fun memories.
30:29
And I think this was why kids when they grow up to be adults,
30:34
they say, either I'm never having kids, I'm never getting
30:37
married. This is they have like a dark,
30:40
tragic view of the world, or they think, you know, I'm going
30:43
to have as many kids as as God gives me.
30:46
And they can't really provide a philosophical reason for it and
30:49
necessarily, but it's, it's something that has struck their
30:52
heart. So that's the first point.
30:56
The second point, so common, so important that you brought this
30:59
up is giving children responsibility.
31:04
So I think this might, this might be one of the most
31:09
important factors that parents can do.
31:11
Let's just say the second one, OK, let's say tone is basically
31:14
the first one, which is love essentially.
31:17
The second one is then forming their human nature through
31:21
giving them responsibility. And as he said, the challenge to
31:25
that is twofold. 1 is this kind of like addiction to being nice
31:32
that moms often face, which may be a reflection of their self
31:40
worth? Like perhaps, and you can grab
31:42
me a thumb off based on this. I'm just speculating, but it
31:45
could be that the mom is thinking like myself, worth is
31:49
based on doing things for my child.
31:52
And it's also there's a fear of seeing your child be
31:55
uncomfortable and they'll So I think that's like giving them
32:00
the responsibility. And then the other challenge to
32:02
it is it take as you as you acknowledge it takes more time,
32:06
it takes more intention and attention and they're the kids
32:10
are going to do it less well and you're probably going to clean
32:13
up the mess afterwards. But ultimately, you're forming
32:18
adults, right? You're not forming children.
32:21
That's going to come from giving them responsibility.
32:23
Yes, you're 100% right. And I think, you know, I just
32:26
speak from my own experience, but with each child, I, you
32:31
know, took a job where I could be a little bit more present to
32:36
them at home. So I used to work inpatient
32:39
psych and then once I would get pregnant and get close to my due
32:43
date, I'd be like, OK, I can't go back to the intensity of that
32:46
while I'm, you know, I have another baby at home.
32:49
So I'll do something like private practice where I could
32:51
work fewer hours and kind of regulate my own schedule so that
32:54
I could be available to my kids more often.
32:58
And what I found when I was sort of what I would consider kind of
33:01
a stay at home mom for those months was this like need to
33:07
prove my worth, right? Like I've got AI want to clean
33:10
the house. I want to fix good meals, do all
33:13
the grocery shopping, like take care of.
33:15
I even started mowing the lawn at one point.
33:18
And my husband was like, girl, you have literally taken every
33:23
responsibility from me too. But that's something that I love
33:27
to do, you know? And so it was like, whoa.
33:30
So I think there can be that in motherhood too, where you're
33:33
thinking like, what other women are out working 40 hour jobs and
33:37
they're commuting. And so if I'm home, like letting
33:41
Johnny try these things on his own and taking more of a
33:44
backseat and expecting them to clean up after themselves after
33:48
playtime or whatever, like I ought to, I ought to jump in and
33:51
do that, right? And then it's just a
33:54
misperception. It's like, no, then you are
33:56
raising kids because you're just going to be chronically
33:58
dependent on you versus really trying and making that your job
34:03
to raise adults that are capable of actually, they delight in
34:10
picking up after themselves and pitching in on family meal and
34:14
getting out and doing the mowing right at age 10 or 11.
34:18
You know, it's really a beautiful thing, but I think
34:21
that you hit the nail on the head that sometimes that's it's
34:24
just like comes from this lack of worthiness in motherhood.
34:30
So, and, and I think the way to help parents reframe that is by
34:35
seeing teaching them to be independent as the best service
34:40
and the highest form of love that they can have.
34:43
So love classically is not merely a feeling.
34:47
It's not merely trying to evoke positive emotions in the other,
34:50
it's helping desiring what's best for the other and doing
34:54
what's best for the other. And that's ultimately helping
34:58
them to be capable of serving others.
35:00
Yes, just like our Lord teaches us to serve others, Yes.
35:04
Yes, you got it. That's right.
35:06
Desiring that the person to be the best version of themselves
35:12
and that means instilling that service heart in them or or.
35:16
Exactly. Yes, yeah, so good.
35:19
Exactly. So you have more than 130
35:22
podcast steps. So it's can you just tell us
35:24
briefly about that? Yeah, so we have had a podcast
35:28
for the last three years. It's called the Families of
35:30
Character show and there's a variety of different topics on
35:34
there. But there's a lot about a family
35:37
huddle and organizing your family around this weekly family
35:40
huddle because we just think it's, you know, just sort of the
35:44
cornerstone for getting order back in the family and helping
35:48
to really get people to level up.
35:51
So in responsibility. So family huddles, we've had
35:54
guests like Doctor Leonard Sacks on our show.
35:58
We've those are some of our favorites.
36:00
Him talking about screen time and just limits on kids with,
36:06
you know, shows and, and pop culture music and things like
36:09
that. I've interviewed my my daughter
36:12
twice. I interviewed her when she was 8
36:14
about the benefits of a family huddle and then again when. 2 is
36:18
10. Just recently.
36:19
And so, yeah, there's there's just a variety of different
36:22
topics. And if you go to our website,
36:24
familiesofcharacter.com, you can search anything that you're
36:27
looking for and then the podcast episode or a blog article will
36:30
pop up with that topic that you're looking for.
36:33
So yeah. Do you?
36:37
I want to share a crazy idea with you.
36:39
I'm also mindful of your time. So I've been putting a lot of
36:44
thought in how to help young couples.
36:47
One idea that comes to mind is, well, first of all, what is
36:50
their challenge? And what I hear is they're
36:52
overwhelmed and isolated. So how do we address that?
36:57
One idea could be facilitating the formation of couples groups
37:03
that live close to each other and are they make a, a, a
37:08
commitment to one another to help and serve one another as
37:13
needed. You know, watching the kids
37:15
babysitting. So that's so that the parents
37:16
can go on a date night or can run that errand, fix that dryer
37:21
or just just fellowship. Just coming together on a
37:23
Saturday morning and bringing some doughnuts and just the kids
37:27
play together and the couples have some adults conversation
37:30
time. So 1 route would be could be
37:34
like an app where you connect people through it and then they
37:37
can communicate through it and that sort of thing.
37:40
I'm just curious what what would be your thoughts on that or what
37:43
do you see as the best way to help young couple?
37:46
I think community is first and foremost, I mean hands down the
37:50
the way to go. We need each other.
37:52
We were not meant to do this in isolation.
37:54
And so any way you could facilitate that if it was
37:58
through an app like proximity, you know, searching for where
38:02
couples in your neighborhood, that would be up for that.
38:06
I like for couples to be in groups where they share the
38:11
same, you know, basic faith values.
38:15
I think that's really important, you know, And another way to do
38:19
that is through church, too, is to my husband.
38:24
That's how it should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:26
My husband and I put together like 12 small groups right
38:29
before COVID, like literally 2 months before the shutdown.
38:34
And these couples met up in in homes and one was the host
38:38
couple. And then they would watch these
38:42
videos or read A blog article about character formation,
38:45
particular virtue or character strength.
38:48
And then they would, you know, go home and and try to kind of
38:52
form their kids and and picking up after themselves if it was
38:56
orderliness or, you know, let's practice forgiveness by saying
39:00
we're sorry or noticing when somebody's hurt us and asking
39:03
them for forgiveness or whatever.
39:06
And it was great. And then the shutdown happened
39:09
and all the groups sort of like just naturally disbanded.
39:13
But I saw that it was possible. And people still come up to me
39:16
today and say, Jordan, man, we missed that.
39:19
We were with the, you know, Han barriers and and really enjoyed
39:24
them. And we just were starting to get
39:26
to know them when everything shut down.
39:27
South parents crave that. They want it.
39:31
You know, I think the the mistake in these groups would be
39:34
like, you know, you didn't do your homework between groups.
39:38
You know, this just being too rigid about things, but really
39:41
realizing like what you said is what is the main purpose?
39:44
What is the feeling that these parents get when they come
39:48
together? Is it acceptance and and love?
39:51
Or is it that, oh, you know, you're not doing what you said
39:54
you were going to do and so therefore you're kicked off the
39:57
island, you know, so you have to be careful about that, right?
40:01
Is this? Yeah, having some structure to
40:03
it, but also just realizing we need each other and the goal is
40:07
to be truthful and vulnerable and fully ourselves.
40:10
And in sharings the winds and some of the worries, you know?
40:18
Yeah, do. You have any last words for us
40:20
or? No, I just think if you're a
40:24
married couple or a married person that's listening to this
40:28
or a parent, you know, I just want to tell you that you were
40:30
not meant to just simply survive your marriage.
40:34
Your marriage was meant as a vocation.
40:37
It is meant for you to really thrive in that.
40:41
So no matter your state of marriage at this current time,
40:45
there is definitely hope. And through some simple things
40:50
like coming back together or identifying a unique mission and
40:55
vision for your family, you can do it.
40:57
It's never too late. So yeah, if you want to check
41:01
out our website, familiesofcharacter.com, we have
41:03
a free downloadable right on our homepage that's called Get the
41:07
Guide. It says you push that button and
41:09
there you go. You can get started with a
41:12
family huddle and creating a mission statement.
41:16
This is really wonderful to talk to you.
41:17
I really appreciate it and I wish you all the best.
41:21
Thank you so much Johann for having me on your show.
41:23
Best of luck to you. I hope we stay in touch.