Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 43, Season 1: If They Don't Want to be Kept, Don't Keep 'Em

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Episode 43, Season 1: If They Don't Want to be Kept, Don't Keep 'Em · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, Welcome to the Love Podcast.
0:10
Speaker 2: I am your co host Rana Butcher here with our host,
0:14
Speaker 2: doctor Sarah Hensley. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what's up.
0:18
Speaker 3: Oh, just recovering from our wonderful vacation. It was so good,
0:22
Speaker 3: but I'm really tired.
0:23
Speaker 2: I know me too. It was a shame because it
0:25
Speaker 2: was like we got back and like I had to
0:26
Speaker 2: go straight into work, Like I didn't get like a
0:29
Speaker 2: day to decompress.
0:30
Speaker 3: I had my longest day right when we got back,
0:32
Speaker 3: and we got back super late.
0:33
Speaker 2: I wish we could just like, how is teleporting not
0:35
Speaker 2: a thing yet?
0:36
Speaker 3: I don't know, Like I wish we could just be
0:38
Speaker 3: telebrade places. It probably will be in our lifetime, I hope.
0:41
Speaker 2: So I'm curious because it makes traveling a lot easier
0:43
Speaker 2: because it's the travel that makes it so.
0:45
Speaker 3: It's the travel, like the planes and the delays and
0:49
Speaker 3: the hang up layovers, handovers. Oh my gosh, I about
0:52
Speaker 3: said hangovers.
0:52
Speaker 2: We had all of the of us, no doubt.
0:56
Speaker 3: Yeah.
0:57
Speaker 2: So but anyway, it was great, and I'm it was
1:00
Speaker 2: hard to come back just because it's nasty and cold
1:03
Speaker 2: in Kentucky. It's so bad right now, and Saint John's
1:06
Speaker 2: was I mean, I'll be honest, I haven't been to
1:07
Speaker 2: a lot of places, so I'm still discovering the world.
1:10
Speaker 3: But it was Saint john is beautiful, so special, and
1:14
Speaker 3: it was not nearly as expensive as I thought it
1:16
Speaker 3: would be. It was very reasonable. But the most beautiful
1:19
Speaker 3: beaches I've ever seen in my life because they were
1:21
Speaker 3: like nestled in the mountains and it was.
1:23
Speaker 2: Like a whole vibe. I don't know the whole I've
1:25
Speaker 2: been to other beaches, and this was like a very
1:27
Speaker 2: just laid back, chill vibe you feel safe, which is
1:32
Speaker 2: always feels nice, you know. So it's one of those
1:36
Speaker 2: places that I would probably go. Like that I could
1:38
Speaker 2: go back to every year.
1:39
Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure. I think we should make it a
1:40
Speaker 3: yearly trip.
1:41
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm down with that.
1:43
Speaker 3: Let's do it.
1:43
Speaker 2: Yes, So episode forty three today, Yes, And the title
1:48
Speaker 2: is if they don't want to be kept, don't keep them.
1:52
Speaker 3: Don't keep them. So I've noticed a theme just lately.
1:58
Speaker 3: I mean I've always noticed this theme, but more so lately,
2:00
Speaker 3: I've had a lot of clients who are using the
2:04
Speaker 3: phrase how do I get my partner too? And I
2:07
Speaker 3: always get a cringe when I hear that. Because it
2:10
Speaker 3: implies that you are going to try to coerce or
2:13
Speaker 3: control your partner into some kind of outcome and you can't.
2:18
Speaker 3: It gives you this false sense that you can force
2:21
Speaker 3: someone to love you a certain way, and you can't.
2:26
Speaker 3: It has to be totally voluntary on their end to
2:30
Speaker 3: want to learn to love you in the unique way
2:33
Speaker 3: that you want to be loved, and not everybody is
2:36
Speaker 3: willing to do that. Not everybody is willing to look
2:40
Speaker 3: at their partner as a really unique person who has
2:43
Speaker 3: a unique past and who has had unique hurt, and
2:46
Speaker 3: who has unique needs and wants and desires. They really
2:51
Speaker 3: just want to stick to their way of doing things,
2:54
Speaker 3: love their partner how they would want to be loved,
2:57
Speaker 3: and it's like if they don't understand it, then they
3:00
Speaker 3: don't want to have to do it right. It's like,
3:03
Speaker 3: let's just say you have a couple and the woman
3:07
Speaker 3: got angry about something their male partner said. The male
3:12
Speaker 3: partner might be like, well, I don't understand why you're
3:15
Speaker 3: mad about that. You're being too sensitive, which okay, then
3:20
Speaker 3: you decided to be with a sensitive person. So then
3:24
Speaker 3: if you know that about your partner, if you can
3:26
Speaker 3: pick up on where their sensitive pain points are. And
3:29
Speaker 3: I'm not saying walk on eggshells. I'm just saying, be aware,
3:33
Speaker 3: know your partner, collect data about your partner, and then
3:37
Speaker 3: do your best to not stick a knife in their
3:39
Speaker 3: deepest wounds. That's not asking you to walk on eggshells.
3:43
Speaker 3: That's asking you to be a kind and loving and
3:45
Speaker 3: considerate person and.
3:47
Speaker 2: Take inventory of the person that you chose to be with.
3:49
Speaker 3: That's right. These relationships are optional, even if you're married, folks,
3:54
Speaker 3: they're optional. Nobody's handcuffing you in this country together, right,
4:00
Speaker 3: And so I think it's important to remember that when
4:03
Speaker 3: you try to force or coarse your partner into meeting
4:07
Speaker 3: your needs, that's not a real free expression of love. Yeah,
4:12
Speaker 3: And so if they don't want to be kept.
4:15
Speaker 2: Don't keep it, don't keep them. And there's so many
4:17
Speaker 2: variables that come into play when I think of this,
4:20
Speaker 2: because you know, I think, let's go deeper in terms
4:24
Speaker 2: of what you mean and what it looks like, because
4:26
Speaker 2: a lot of times there's this wishy washy back and
4:29
Speaker 2: forth between maybe you're not married. I mean, I know
4:32
Speaker 2: I went through this with my ex where we were
4:34
Speaker 2: never really on the same page, and it was like
4:36
Speaker 2: I would I would pull towards him, and he would
4:39
Speaker 2: pull away, and then he would go do really questionable
4:43
Speaker 2: things that really showed that he didn't want to be kept. Yeah,
4:47
Speaker 2: and I would just push harder to get him to
4:49
Speaker 2: come towards me, and it was just like we were
4:51
Speaker 2: never on the same page. And it's like, looking back now,
4:54
Speaker 2: I couldn't imagine trying so hard to keep somebody.
4:59
Speaker 3: Just trying so hard to get your needs met by somebody,
5:01
Speaker 3: trying so hard to force someone to love you correctly
5:06
Speaker 3: is emotionally exhausting. Gosh, it's honestly coming from a place
5:12
Speaker 3: of manipulation. It's not real love on your end either,
5:16
Speaker 3: because you aren't accepting that that is who that person
5:21
Speaker 3: is and you want them to change for you. And
5:24
Speaker 3: then one of the really tricky wounds that comes up
5:28
Speaker 3: for people is this that wound of worthlessness, Like, well,
5:32
Speaker 3: if they don't change for me, then I wasn't worth
5:34
Speaker 3: anything because I couldn't get them to change. And if
5:36
Speaker 3: they could change for me, then it would validate my worthiness.
5:40
Speaker 2: I really struggled with that, and.
5:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I know that that goes back to childhood
5:45
Speaker 3: for me. For example, when my dad created a lot
5:48
Speaker 3: of familial chaos, and I think it got embedded into me.
5:54
Speaker 3: Why won't he love our family in the right way.
5:58
Speaker 3: Why won't he do what it takes to so port
6:00
Speaker 3: our family in the right way. Why won't he treat
6:02
Speaker 3: my mother well? And then it kind of got embedded
6:06
Speaker 3: to me that I wasn't worth doing it for. Yeah,
6:09
Speaker 3: And that was a little tiny girl feeling that way,
6:13
Speaker 3: and I carried that with me my whole life. And
6:15
Speaker 3: then that really showed up in my first marriage, where
6:19
Speaker 3: I had a partner who had, you know, a lot
6:21
Speaker 3: of narcissism and really needed a lot of external validation,
6:25
Speaker 3: especially from other females. And I mean, gosh, I would
6:30
Speaker 3: be trying to fight these other women. It was crazy.
6:35
Speaker 3: I mean not maybe not well, okay, maybe I wanted
6:38
Speaker 3: to physically fight them. I never did, but it was
6:41
Speaker 3: like I was dominating my territory and I was like,
6:44
Speaker 3: gonna keep my man.
6:45
Speaker 2: I mean, you can't his fault, yeah, and it was
6:47
Speaker 2: his fault and really their fault.
6:49
Speaker 3: And yes, of course this can be applied to infidelity,
6:52
Speaker 3: but I think it just applies to having your needs
6:54
Speaker 3: met inside of a relationship and to have someone that
6:57
Speaker 3: can love you in a really unique way. Okay, So I,
7:02
Speaker 3: for example, in my marriage, I have taken very deep
7:06
Speaker 3: inventory of my husband. I have learned very very well.
7:12
Speaker 3: I think hopefully he would agree with this where his
7:16
Speaker 3: pain points are and also what gases him up right right,
7:21
Speaker 3: And so I am going to go out of my
7:22
Speaker 3: way to gas him up.
7:24
Speaker 2: Yep.
7:25
Speaker 3: He loves to be appreciated. He really shows his love
7:29
Speaker 3: through acts of service. And my main love language is
7:32
Speaker 3: acts of service, so it lines up really well. But
7:35
Speaker 3: I make sure he knows he is deeply appreciated for
7:38
Speaker 3: everything that he did. Just for example, on our trip,
7:41
Speaker 3: I mean he carried the weight of the world on
7:43
Speaker 3: his shoulders on this trip.
7:45
Speaker 2: Yes. I was actually talking about this in my Dauzer
7:47
Speaker 2: Says class this morning, about how you know, because I
7:51
Speaker 2: was like, we really try to take it easy. I
7:52
Speaker 2: was like, except the last day we were on the beach,
7:54
Speaker 2: I was like, Sarah drink a whole bottle of champagne
7:56
Speaker 2: as she started talking really close to my face. So
7:58
Speaker 2: I was like if. But you know, it's so funny
8:01
Speaker 2: because you learn so much about people when you travel
8:03
Speaker 2: with uh huh. And I already knew this about you
8:05
Speaker 2: and Donald, of course, but I just realized it on
8:08
Speaker 2: a deeper level. Girl, if it were for Donald, I
8:12
Speaker 2: don't know where you'd been run over truck?
8:15
Speaker 3: Are you kidding me?
8:17
Speaker 2: He's just like this? And I attribute it to the
8:21
Speaker 2: fact that Donald and I because I'm kind of like
8:23
Speaker 2: this too, Like I'm just high alert at all times,
8:27
Speaker 2: and Josh is too, but I don't know if he
8:29
Speaker 2: is to the degree that I am, just in different ways.
8:32
Speaker 2: But like, I attribute it to the fact that Donald
8:35
Speaker 2: and I were single parents for so long, right, like
8:38
Speaker 2: for long periods of time, where like our children solely
8:42
Speaker 2: dependent on us for years. Like I know you were
8:45
Speaker 2: a single mom too for a period of time, but
8:48
Speaker 2: where like all the way was on us to make
8:51
Speaker 2: sure everybody was okay, right, And so he's just this doer,
8:55
Speaker 2: like I mean.
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Speaker 3: He's called Donald is on it, okay. So just to
8:58
Speaker 3: give you some frame of reference, we had to go
9:01
Speaker 3: up this mountain several times a day. Our Airbnb was
9:03
Speaker 3: on the top of this mountain that overlooked the ocean. Now,
9:05
Speaker 3: I'm telling you his most beautiful Airbnb I've ever stayed in.
9:08
Speaker 3: Shout out to Monique in Saint John. You are a
9:12
Speaker 3: wonderful Airbnb host. But you have to drive on the
9:15
Speaker 3: left side of the road in Saint John. So we
9:17
Speaker 3: read in this jeep there is no street signs, no
9:21
Speaker 3: street lights, no shoulders, no shoulders, pitch dark, driving on
9:24
Speaker 3: the left side of the road up a big mountain. Okay.
9:28
Speaker 3: I can see the sweat pouring off of my husband,
9:31
Speaker 3: and We're making this track twice sometimes three times in
9:34
Speaker 3: a day, and I'm just like la la la, la
9:37
Speaker 3: la la, out like out the window. Because one of
9:41
Speaker 3: the things I know about him is that he loves
9:43
Speaker 3: to be a leader. It makes him feel extremely masculine.
9:46
Speaker 3: It makes him feel like he is. He loves to
9:49
Speaker 3: feel appreciated and needed. So I know that about him,
9:53
Speaker 3: and so I've been able to just let him like,
9:55
Speaker 3: there is a controlling, more type a side to me,
9:59
Speaker 3: but I've learned to let that go because that doesn't
10:02
Speaker 3: feel good to him. It feels too masculine for me
10:04
Speaker 3: to be like, no, shove you out of the way.
10:05
Speaker 3: I'm going to be the leader here, right. And so
10:09
Speaker 3: that's what I'm talking about about taking inventory of your
10:12
Speaker 3: partner and what they love to be or how they
10:17
Speaker 3: love to be treated, and then also just being very
10:22
Speaker 3: careful to make sure that you're not hitting their pain points,
10:26
Speaker 3: because most of the reason that we hurt our partner
10:28
Speaker 3: is not out of malintent. And then that's what we
10:31
Speaker 3: fall back on in the fight. I didn't intend to
10:34
Speaker 3: be that. I didn't intend for you to take it
10:35
Speaker 3: that way. Well, how long have you known me? Right?
10:39
Speaker 1: Yeah?
10:39
Speaker 3: And so paid freaking attention, No that that would hurt me.
10:44
Speaker 3: But also, I mean there's some I guess there's a
10:48
Speaker 3: good point in we all have to work on our
10:51
Speaker 3: attachment security and making sure that we aren't being over
10:53
Speaker 3: sensitive people or that we're not starting arguments for no reason.
10:57
Speaker 3: But you have to be able to recogn eyes that
11:01
Speaker 3: you are coming into a contract if you're exclusive to
11:06
Speaker 3: love a unique person, and then if that person doesn't
11:10
Speaker 3: want to love you in a unique way, don't keep them.
11:15
Speaker 3: They aren't going to be willing to change anything about
11:19
Speaker 3: who they are or how they do things to love
11:22
Speaker 3: you better.
11:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what a long engagements are highly.
11:25
Speaker 3: Encouraged, right, And so I think it's important that you
11:31
Speaker 3: recognize that when you are coming in from a place
11:34
Speaker 3: of control. How do I get my partner to do this?
11:36
Speaker 3: How do I get my partner to, for example, resolve conflict. Okay,
11:42
Speaker 3: they're probably some kind of avoidant, probably of the dismissive type.
11:47
Speaker 3: They don't want to resolve conflict. They're not going to
11:50
Speaker 3: do it. You can beg plead, cross, scream and all
11:53
Speaker 3: day long. That's gonna make them want to run away more. So,
11:55
Speaker 3: what can you do? What can you control? You can
11:58
Speaker 3: control how you communicate, whether that's critically or non critically.
12:02
Speaker 3: You can control what boundaries you set. That is what
12:06
Speaker 3: you actually have control over. So when I get that question,
12:09
Speaker 3: how do I make my partner want to resolve conflict?
12:12
Speaker 3: I said, you can't. You can't make them want to
12:14
Speaker 3: do it. What you can do is say this is
12:18
Speaker 3: something I need in the relationship, and you can use
12:20
Speaker 3: the famous there's still something unsettled between us boundary, which
12:24
Speaker 3: I teach in my group, which is basically saying, hey,
12:29
Speaker 3: you know when they come back around and want to
12:31
Speaker 3: reconnect like nothing happened, because that's the dismissive avoidance strategy.
12:34
Speaker 3: Sweep it under the rug and then wait it out,
12:37
Speaker 3: come back around when enough time has passed, when it
12:40
Speaker 3: seems like things have settled down, and then just try
12:42
Speaker 3: to reconnect over something benign. I tell people to go,
12:46
Speaker 3: oh hey, babe, you know I would really love to
12:48
Speaker 3: connect with you on that, but I have to remind
12:51
Speaker 3: you that there's still something unsettled between us, and until
12:54
Speaker 3: we can sit down and settle this disagreement, then I
12:58
Speaker 3: can't connect with you in this way, and I'm going
13:00
Speaker 3: to have to focus on myself for a while. Which
13:02
Speaker 3: the focusing on yourself is not punishment. It is meant
13:06
Speaker 3: to help you stabilize your own nervous system over this
13:09
Speaker 3: conflict and to help you get the correct perspective over
13:12
Speaker 3: whether this is a healthy relationship dynamic to be in,
13:15
Speaker 3: and to really wrap your head around your own accountability.
13:19
Speaker 3: So the space is not meant to punish your partner like, well,
13:21
Speaker 3: I'm gonna take space so that they feel lost and
13:24
Speaker 3: they feel hurt. That is not what this is about.
13:27
Speaker 3: That would be coercive control. Again, And what you have
13:31
Speaker 3: to realize is you can't do that. You have to
13:33
Speaker 3: see a boundary as for your protection and for your benefit.
13:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's hard, and that's all.
13:40
Speaker 3: You can do. You cannot cross, scream, stamp bag, or
13:45
Speaker 3: plead anyone into doing anything.
13:48
Speaker 2: I mean talking about the ultimate how do I get
13:50
Speaker 2: them too, which is how do I get them back?
13:53
Speaker 3: Yes, that's a big one. That's a big one.
13:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, because which shameless plug here we're about to launch
14:01
Speaker 2: our how to get your ex back?
14:02
Speaker 3: Yes, I did make a course of how to get
14:04
Speaker 3: your X back, But the first little part of that
14:07
Speaker 3: course is should you get your X back?
14:08
Speaker 2: Right?
14:09
Speaker 3: And like, let's come into reality and how do you
14:12
Speaker 3: determine whether enough has been enough?
14:14
Speaker 2: Right?
14:14
Speaker 3: And I give some real tools and strategies to make
14:17
Speaker 3: those determinations. But people really get into that coercive control
14:22
Speaker 3: mindset after a breakup for sure.
14:24
Speaker 2: For sure, Yeah, they definitely. I mean out of all
14:27
Speaker 2: the messages that I see, it seems like it's a
14:30
Speaker 2: big one, like how you know my my you know
14:33
Speaker 2: ex ghosted me. We've been on no contact for two
14:36
Speaker 2: weeks and I'm like, wait, is it no contact? If
14:38
Speaker 2: they ghost to do like.
14:40
Speaker 3: It sounds like forced no contact on your on their part.
14:43
Speaker 2: And they just want to push so hard to get
14:45
Speaker 2: them back, and you know, I mean, what give give
14:49
Speaker 2: our listeners some advice in the in that situation, which
14:52
Speaker 2: I know that with the launch of this new course,
14:55
Speaker 2: there's a lot of information in it, but there is
14:57
Speaker 2: but you know, in those situations, I know that you
14:59
Speaker 2: can again and get them to do anything. But what's
15:02
Speaker 2: your best advice in terms of how to handle it?
15:05
Speaker 2: Because I know that most of these people are again
15:07
Speaker 2: in a lot of emotional pain.
15:09
Speaker 3: Sure, well, I think you have to evaluate the emotional
15:12
Speaker 3: maturity of ghosting. That person is essentially a coward. I mean,
15:21
Speaker 3: I don't want to be an accusation against anybody, but
15:23
Speaker 3: it's cowardice. It is the way that says I don't
15:28
Speaker 3: know what to say, I don't know how to handle
15:30
Speaker 3: my own emotional business, so I'm not going to handle it.
15:33
Speaker 3: I'm going to leave all of that hurt and pain
15:35
Speaker 3: and quote handling it up to you on the other
15:37
Speaker 3: side of the ghosting. And that's cruelish and it's extremely selfish,
15:42
Speaker 3: and it's cowardice. And so my question back to that
15:46
Speaker 3: person would be, do you want to be with a cruel, selfish,
15:48
Speaker 3: cowardice person.
15:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're showing you that they don't want to be kept.
15:51
Speaker 3: They're shown you they don't want to be kept one
15:53
Speaker 3: hundred percent, So why are you trying to keep them?
15:54
Speaker 2: All? Right? And you know, and I think people a
15:56
Speaker 2: lot of times, specifically with attachment is they want to
15:59
Speaker 2: they want to use almost attachment as this crutch, specifically
16:03
Speaker 2: with the dismissive avoidant of And I know that you
16:06
Speaker 2: talk about, you know, capacity issues with the dismissive avoidant,
16:09
Speaker 2: but it's still not a reason to excuse the behavior.
16:12
Speaker 3: No, it's not. You can have So I think Jesus
16:15
Speaker 3: spoke really well on this, and it was sort of
16:17
Speaker 3: summarized in Galatians where it's like we're supposed to bear
16:22
Speaker 3: each other's burdens, but each bear our own load, which
16:25
Speaker 3: means like, essentially, we're supposed to have empathy for other
16:29
Speaker 3: people and we can give where we can, but we
16:32
Speaker 3: can't carry someone else's load. And so trying to keep
16:35
Speaker 3: someone that doesn't want to be kept is carrying someone
16:37
Speaker 3: else's emotional burdens, is trying to fix those emotional issues
16:41
Speaker 3: for them, right, And especially if you have anxious, preoccupied
16:45
Speaker 3: attachment or fearful avoidance and you lean to that anxious
16:48
Speaker 3: side attachment, anxiety will make you want to twist yourself
16:51
Speaker 3: into a pretzel to be what somebody else wants you
16:54
Speaker 3: to be because you are so so scared of the
16:56
Speaker 3: pain of detachment, where you are so deep in your
17:00
Speaker 3: feelings of unworthiness and insignificance because they wouldn't change for you.
17:04
Speaker 2: And you talk a lot about that in the course,
17:05
Speaker 2: you talk about toxic hope and what it means and
17:09
Speaker 2: exactly and really evaluating if that's what you're holding on to. Yes,
17:14
Speaker 2: you know in terms of wanting this person back.
17:15
Speaker 3: Right absolutely, and it has to be evaluated because listen,
17:20
Speaker 3: you're going to get back together with them, and they're
17:22
Speaker 3: just going to repeat. It's just going to be a
17:23
Speaker 3: one big giant repeat. And I know, when you're in
17:26
Speaker 3: pain and you can see things more clearly, you're like,
17:28
Speaker 3: I shouldn't have got triggered about that, and I could
17:30
Speaker 3: be better about this, and I didn't handle this situation
17:32
Speaker 3: the right way. But guess what if you don't fix
17:35
Speaker 3: the underlying root of your own triggers when they behave
17:38
Speaker 3: the exact same way, which they eventually will, Okay, then
17:42
Speaker 3: you're going to be triggered in the same way and
17:44
Speaker 3: you're going to repeat the behavior. I know because I
17:48
Speaker 3: have had so many relationships with multiple breakups that is
17:51
Speaker 3: very common for someone with insecure attachment. And each time
17:55
Speaker 3: we got back together, it was worse, same, it was worse.
18:00
Speaker 3: I was more easily triggered. Even when I was step
18:03
Speaker 3: could step back and be like, oh, I clearly see
18:05
Speaker 3: the problems, and I clearly see where I handle this wrong.
18:08
Speaker 3: Guess what next time I did it, I behaved the
18:10
Speaker 3: exact same way, because the triggers come from the subconscious mind.
18:15
Speaker 3: They don't come from the conscious.
18:16
Speaker 2: Oh, they were never truly being resolved anything.
18:18
Speaker 3: They were never truly being resolved. It was just a
18:21
Speaker 3: matter of again me thinking more awareness was going to
18:24
Speaker 3: lead to change, and more awareness doesn't necessarily lead to change.
18:28
Speaker 3: The deep work within yourself leads to changes. And what
18:31
Speaker 3: I try to tell people is, yes, you showing up
18:36
Speaker 3: secure can lead to your partner sort of matching that behavior.
18:41
Speaker 3: That is possible because human beings respond to modeling, they
18:44
Speaker 3: respond to other people's energy, and so if you have
18:48
Speaker 3: someone who's mildly and securely attached, you showing up secure
18:52
Speaker 3: can make a huge difference. But that's not the case
18:55
Speaker 3: for everybody. And I see people go through these transformations
19:00
Speaker 3: and show up secure and their partner is just ends
19:03
Speaker 3: up being left behind. They just cannot do it. But
19:06
Speaker 3: the beautiful thing then about becoming secure is when you
19:09
Speaker 3: start to see that it starts to turn you off.
19:12
Speaker 3: Instead of getting anxious and wanting to try to pull
19:14
Speaker 3: them closer, you start to get icked out by that
19:17
Speaker 3: level of emotional immaturity when you have moved beyond that.
19:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's a beautiful thing. It surely is.
19:25
Speaker 3: And I want people to know that if you're facing
19:30
Speaker 3: a bad relationship where you're kind of in this situation
19:33
Speaker 3: between a rock and a hard place, where it's either
19:35
Speaker 3: break up or get divorced or stay in a bad relationship,
19:40
Speaker 3: I want you to know that there's something in between
19:43
Speaker 3: that which is earning your attachment security, developing a real
19:48
Speaker 3: solid inner sense of safety, a real solid relationship to
19:52
Speaker 3: self where you can trust yourself and you can count
19:55
Speaker 3: on yourself and you are sure of yourself. You know
19:58
Speaker 3: what you want, You're able to talk about what you want,
20:00
Speaker 3: You're able to set boundaries around what you want and
20:02
Speaker 3: need in the relationship, and then if they can't do it,
20:05
Speaker 3: there's so much less regret walking away in that situation. Then,
20:11
Speaker 3: you know, hanging on desperately to someone that is never
20:15
Speaker 3: going to meet your needs while you are just then
20:18
Speaker 3: as messed up as they.
20:19
Speaker 2: Are right and walking away when you get to that point,
20:22
Speaker 2: becomes so much easier. It does so much easier. Became
20:25
Speaker 2: this relief, not instead of this anxiety.
20:28
Speaker 3: Right, it becomes like an oh, wow, I made the
20:31
Speaker 3: right decision. Because most people inside of a breakup situation
20:36
Speaker 3: feel so much regret because when their nervous system can
20:39
Speaker 3: step away outside of the situation and they have that
20:42
Speaker 3: time to reflect and process, they do realize there are
20:45
Speaker 3: instances where they didn't handle things well or were triggered
20:49
Speaker 3: and acted out right, and that maybe they hurt their partner.
20:53
Speaker 3: And that's a beautiful place to start in your growth.
20:56
Speaker 3: But if you don't do the inner work, you will
20:59
Speaker 3: repeat it and chasing after someone who just shows you
21:02
Speaker 3: that they can't do the work or won't do the work.
21:06
Speaker 3: Some people don't have the capacity to even take the
21:09
Speaker 3: first step towards accountability. I mean, there are some people
21:14
Speaker 3: out there, and we mentioned this in one of the
21:16
Speaker 3: previous episodes, that just will do anything to not be accountable.
21:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean think about you know, habitual cheaters. Oh yeah,
21:24
Speaker 2: I mean you know, and I know we've talked about
21:26
Speaker 2: this too, but you know, just the circumstances that we've
21:29
Speaker 2: experienced with clients, you know, saying, well you know my
21:34
Speaker 2: partner cheated, but I'm here to do whatever it takes
21:38
Speaker 2: to make it work and to fix it. And I'm
21:42
Speaker 2: just like, no, what yeah, and I you know and listen,
21:47
Speaker 2: we were both with habitual cheaters where we stayed and
21:49
Speaker 2: we stayed, so.
21:50
Speaker 3: There's no judgment, but we being on the other side
21:53
Speaker 3: of it and healing that within us that kept us
21:55
Speaker 3: in those relationships excepting that garbage. We can see now
22:01
Speaker 3: how worth it it is to do that work, to
22:04
Speaker 3: grow out of that right, and to grow out of
22:08
Speaker 3: those wounds, and to heal the deep inner parts of
22:12
Speaker 3: you that remain attracted to that because your own inner
22:18
Speaker 3: feelings of being not good enough, being worthless, or being defective,
22:22
Speaker 3: depending upon your attachment style are what's keeping you there, right,
22:26
Speaker 3: because you're trying to soothe yourself through this other person
22:29
Speaker 3: instead of being able to soothe yourself on your own.
22:32
Speaker 3: And we need both. We need to be able to
22:34
Speaker 3: to coregulate and connect and soothe our partners, but we
22:37
Speaker 3: also mainly need to be able to soothe ourselves before
22:40
Speaker 3: that happens. And so I guess what I'll just say
22:44
Speaker 3: is you can't control anybody people now, and you can't.
22:49
Speaker 2: Mean you can't a good question ask yourself, I think,
22:52
Speaker 2: is you know what about truly fighting for here? Like
22:56
Speaker 2: you know, ego is a big part of it, you know,
22:59
Speaker 2: And I mean we can that's maybe for another episode.
23:02
Speaker 2: But you know, even at the beach, I can't remember
23:05
Speaker 2: what we were talking about. We all four of us
23:07
Speaker 2: were in the water, and Josh said, you know, why
23:10
Speaker 2: is it that you you fought so hard, you know,
23:13
Speaker 2: for years in Paul's relationship, And you know, at the time,
23:18
Speaker 2: I wasn't really trying to think that hard on it. Yeah,
23:22
Speaker 2: but you know, walking away from it and think about
23:26
Speaker 2: it now, I mean, for all the obvious reasons of
23:29
Speaker 2: just being completely insecure and who I was right, you know,
23:34
Speaker 2: and not having this idea of self worth and not
23:38
Speaker 2: having this idea of really who I was outside of
23:42
Speaker 2: you know, what I thought my life should look like,
23:45
Speaker 2: and and what I if I could tell any you know,
23:47
Speaker 2: our listeners anything, and you know, maybe the people that
23:51
Speaker 2: are struggling in their relationships is that I know, it's
23:55
Speaker 2: really scary, and you do, you know, you want to
23:59
Speaker 2: do your heels in and fight for it, but sometimes
24:03
Speaker 2: the other side is just so much more beautiful, so.
24:07
Speaker 3: Much better and you said it so well. And I
24:09
Speaker 3: haven't posted the video yet, but we did a little
24:11
Speaker 3: video when we were on the beach, and you were
24:13
Speaker 3: just talking about how love doesn't have to be that hard,
24:18
Speaker 3: and when it's secure love, it's not that hard. It's
24:21
Speaker 3: not that you don't have difficult moments, but that you
24:23
Speaker 3: can work through those right pretty easily. But that people
24:26
Speaker 3: don't have a frame of reference because they've never been
24:28
Speaker 3: in a healthy relationship literally ever, and so and I mean,
24:32
Speaker 3: I have clients that are in their sixties and even
24:34
Speaker 3: seventies who have been in these toxic marriages, who are
24:39
Speaker 3: getting divorced for the first time, and they're scared to death.
24:42
Speaker 3: And what you said was really profound. It was that, hey,
24:44
Speaker 3: secure love is available to everyone that wants it. Absolutely,
24:47
Speaker 3: it is available to everyone that wants it. So if
24:50
Speaker 3: you're thinking about what is on the other side of
24:51
Speaker 3: my crappy relationship, well it depends are you going to
24:55
Speaker 3: get secure, Are you gonna really heal your inner demons
24:58
Speaker 3: that are controlling your poor choice and partner and that
25:01
Speaker 3: are keeping you stuck in these bad cycles with these
25:04
Speaker 3: emotionally immature people, or are you going to do the
25:08
Speaker 3: deep work open the door, look at the monsters in
25:11
Speaker 3: the face, and decide that you are going to practice
25:15
Speaker 3: the tools to start doing things differently. And then you'll
25:21
Speaker 3: trust yourself. You'll trust yourself in that early dating phase
25:25
Speaker 3: to see a red flag because it will give you
25:27
Speaker 3: the account and.
25:28
Speaker 2: Call it, you know, and call it yes, because I've
25:31
Speaker 2: read something the other day it was really beautiful. Our
25:33
Speaker 2: destiny is not based on conditions. Our destiny is based
25:37
Speaker 2: on decisions.
25:38
Speaker 3: Yes, it is based on decision.
25:40
Speaker 2: And everything we do is a decision.
25:42
Speaker 1: It is.
25:43
Speaker 3: And it comes back to this idea in psychology called
25:48
Speaker 3: locus of control. I know I've talked about it before,
25:51
Speaker 3: but it's very profound. It's this idea that if you
25:54
Speaker 3: believe your actions matter, then your actions will determine your future.
26:00
Speaker 3: If you don't believe that your actions matter, if you
26:02
Speaker 3: believe other people control you, or other entities control you,
26:06
Speaker 3: like the government or luck for example, right, these powerful
26:10
Speaker 3: forces greater than you. You make no headway, you make
26:13
Speaker 3: no progress. You are a result of your life is
26:16
Speaker 3: a result of those faulty belief systems. And that is
26:20
Speaker 3: true in relationships as well.
26:23
Speaker 2: And you can't stay in that victim mindset of like,
26:25
Speaker 2: why is this happening to me?
26:27
Speaker 3: It's happening to you because you're allowing it to.
26:29
Speaker 2: Sorry, brother, sorry sister, you made that decision.
26:32
Speaker 3: It's these relationships are optional.
26:36
Speaker 2: They're optional, Yeah, because I do remember thinking that too sometimes,
26:39
Speaker 2: and then I look back and I'm like, No, every shitty,
26:42
Speaker 2: terrible decision that I got myself into, every traumatic event
26:46
Speaker 2: that I can think back to, was all decision based.
26:48
Speaker 3: Yeah, you volunteered for Yeah, absolutely, and so stop volunteering
26:53
Speaker 3: for crappy relationships. Stop settling for less than you deserve.
26:57
Speaker 2: Yeah. If somebody's showing you that they don't want to be.
26:59
Speaker 3: Kept, do not keep them.
27:01
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's medicine because we abused our bodies. We did
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Speaker 2: a little bit, not as bad as I feel like
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Speaker 2: we could have.
27:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, but think I just really don't drink right, so
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Speaker 2: One hundred and fifteen pounds. Second weg you're like tiny.
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Speaker 3: So drinking some champagne on the beach got me a
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27:50
Speaker 2: You're living our best life. Very awesome. You said it
27:54
Speaker 2: best when we were. When I was getting ready that morning,
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Speaker 2: I was just kind of like shaming myself. You're like,
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Speaker 2: don't shame yourself. Your body will recover, You'll bounce back. Yeah,
28:02
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28:36
Speaker 2: Thank you. And of course while you're out searching the
28:38
Speaker 2: world on web, please go see doctor Hinsley Services at
28:42
Speaker 2: the Datingdecoder dot com. Guys, we are I know, we
28:46
Speaker 2: say it every time. We are so close. We are
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Speaker 2: this close to the launch of the rebrand, which of
28:51
Speaker 2: course our new website will be the lovedoc dot com.
28:55
Speaker 2: So everything's going to be lined up in accordance to
28:59
Speaker 2: the podcast and your overall brand for the business, which
29:03
Speaker 2: will make a lot more sense. Lots of pain points.
29:05
Speaker 2: We're working through lots of pain points. So if you
29:08
Speaker 2: are a current client and you have had to work
29:10
Speaker 2: through some of those pain points, we would love you
29:12
Speaker 2: and we appreciate your patients because of course we're a
29:15
Speaker 2: small team and we are doing the best we can
29:17
Speaker 2: on the backhand. But just stay tuned because lots of
29:20
Speaker 2: wonderful things are coming down the pipeline. Like I said,
29:23
Speaker 2: we are launching the new course. Yeah, we are going
29:28
Speaker 2: to launch merch and hopefully once merch is launched, we'll
29:32
Speaker 2: be able to do a patron's subscription for the podcast
29:36
Speaker 2: and you guys will get lots of great perks, So
29:38
Speaker 2: please go see doctor Hinsley at the Datingdecoder dot com
29:43
Speaker 2: check out all of her services there and until next time, peace,
29:46
Speaker 2: love and perspective