Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are a Workaholic
Transcript
- Lucas: So, you're a workaholic. You pull sixty-hour weeks, you never miss a deadline, your inbox zero is a point of pride. And you've been trying to find a mentor for six months—but every time you ask someone for coffee, they either ghost you or give you a polite 'my calendar is really full right now.' Luna: I've seen that pattern. It's almost like the harder you work, the harder it gets to find someone willing to invest in you. Lucas: Exactly. And there's actually data on this. A 2024 study in Harvard Business Review looked at how executives allocate informal mentorship—the kind that really matters—and they found that people identified as 'high-drive' were about forty percent less likely to be offered that kind of guidance. Luna: Forty percent? That's a huge penalty for being effective. Lucas: It is. The researchers called it the 'reputation tax.' The perception is that a workaholic doesn't need help—they're already doing fine. And more subtly, potential mentors worry that any advice they give will just become another task on your list, not a genuine conversation. Luna: So you're too competent to be sponsored. That's the paradox. Lucas: Right. And the fix isn't to work less—at least not immediately. It's to change how you signal. The study found that the same high-drive executives who got the cold shoulder were able to flip the script when they explicitly communicated curiosity instead of competence. Luna: Curiosity instead of competence—I love that. What does that sound like in practice? Lucas: Instead of saying 'I've been leading this project and I think I could do better,' you say 'I saw how you handled that negotiation last quarter and I'm still trying to understand your approach. Could I buy you coffee and learn how you thought about it?' Luna: That reframes the ask from 'help me fix something' to 'help me see something I don't.' Lucas: Exactly. The mentor hears, 'This person is reflective, not just relentless.' And that's a huge unlock. I actually know a former McKinsey partner who told me he started scheduling what he called 'non-transactional coffee'—fifteen minutes with someone junior where he explicitly said 'I don't need anything from you, I just want to hear what you're working on.' Luna: Non-transactional coffee. That's a great practice, but it sounds hard for a workaholic to pull off—because every minute feels like it has to produce a return. Luna: So the core move is: shift from asking for advice to asking for perspective. And carve out one small slot for non-transactional connection. Lucas: Exactly. And if you do that consistently, the mentorship finds you—because people start thinking of you as someone they'd enjoy investing in. And that's really the goal. Luna: I think there's another layer here, too. Workaholics often struggle with vulnerability—they feel like admitting uncertainty is a weakness. But the HBR study showed that mentors actually prefer protégés who show some uncertainty, because it makes the relationship feel more collaborative. Lucas: That's a huge insight. The mentor wants to feel useful, not like they're talking to a machine that's already solved everything. So the reframe isn't just strategic—it's actually more human. Luna: Right. It's not about faking ignorance. It's about genuinely being curious about someone else's craft. Lucas: And look, I'll be honest—this is hard for me too. I love diving deep into a topic, and sometimes I forget to just ask someone 'how did you think about that?' But when I do, I almost always come away with something I hadn't considered. Luna: Yeah, same. And I've noticed that the people who are most generous with their time are usually the ones who ask the best questions, not the ones who give the best answers. Lucas: That's a good way to put it. So if you're a workaholic listening right now, here's your one action item: this week, find someone whose work you respect and ask them one genuinely curious question about their process. No agenda, no ask for a mentor—just that question. See what happens. Luna: And if you're really crunched for time, you can even do it by email. Just keep it one question, no preamble. Lucas: Exactly. And if we've helped you think through a career move or decision like this one, we want you to know that this show is entirely listener-supported. We deliberately don't run ads on these episodes—that's a choice we made to keep the conversation focused on what matters for your career. Luna: Yeah, it's something we feel strongly about. And if you find value in that approach, the simplest way to support it is at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: No pressure, no perks—just a way to keep this ad-free and focused on you. Now, let's get back to the practical side. One more thing I want to add: once you start getting that mentorship, the workaholic tendency can actually be an asset—because you'll follow through on the advice with intensity. The key is just getting in the door first. Luna: Right. The work ethic is a superpower once the relationship is established. The bottleneck is the entry. Lucas: So our challenge today is really about rewiring the entrance strategy. And I think the curiosity frame is the most effective way I've seen to do that. Luna: Agreed. I'm going to try that non-transactional coffee idea myself this week. Lucas: Let me know how it goes. And for everyone listening, we'd love to hear your experiments too—you can find us on the Fexingo network. Thanks for being here.