Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / The Hidden Loneliness of the High Achiever
Transcript
- Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time to hang out here with me. Today and on this week's podcast, I wanna explore a few patterns I see in high functioning people and in their relationships. I wanna look at one of those patterns that a lot of people quietly carry, but they rarely talk about, uh, it's. This kind of loneliness that people are caring, but they also don't [00:01:00] discuss. And it's not the loneliness of being alone, it's the loneliness that can exist actually in a very full life. You have responsibilities. People rely on you. Things get handled because you're the one that handles them. And so from the outside, your lo, your life actually looks extraordinarily stable, successful, and put together. You show up, you solve problems, you carry a lot. But underneath all of that competence, um. You're carrying something else. It's a feeling that very few people truly see. Um, and it's not the role that you're playing, it's not the strength that you provide. It's the human being underneath all of that. And so today I just wanna talk about something that I, I think that a lot of people are dealing with, but they're not necessarily. Naming and it's the hidden loneliness of high functioning people. So many high functioning people don't think about themselves as lonely. I mean, they have relationships, they've got families, they've got colleagues. They've got communities. Their lives are full. But sometimes there's this subtle experience underneath all of that. They are the one that people go to when something is wrong or something needs [00:02:00] to be handled. They're the one that people trust to stay calm under pressure, the one who can figure things out, and those qualities are extraordinarily admirable. They are wonderful qualities. Because being dependable actually matters. Being capable matters. But when someone becomes known primarily for their strengths, something um, interesting can actually begin to happen. People start assuming that that person who can handle everything doesn't need support. They assume that they're fine, and sometimes a person themselves actually reinforces that assumption. Uh, they say that they're okay. They say that things are fine. They minimize what they're feeling, and then they keep moving forward. They keep. Pushing through. I say it in quotes because I've done the same thing, because what we do is we become very good at carrying things, and over time what happens is that competence actually slowly replaces connection. Many high functioning people develop this strength very early because sometimes they had to, maybe they grew up in families where stability depended on someone stepping up. [00:03:00] Maybe emotions felt unpredictable in their family of origin, and learning to stay composed and calm helped things, um, seem stable. Maybe they discovered that being responsible or capable actually earned them affirmation and approval, so their nervous system adapted. The nervous system learned that handling things kept you safe. That being strong kept things stable, that being dependable actually earns a sense of belonging and acceptance. And so those adaptations became incredible strengths, um, helping people succeed, right? That the strengths that pushed you and moved you to succeed in, in school and careers and leadership roles, and even in families. But that same adaptation creates. Um, a sense of distance, right? So that that adaptation of competence can actually create distance when we don't, and we're unable to ask for support because when someone learns to carry everything themselves and they carry it quietly, others may never realize how heavy the load is that we're actually carrying, [00:04:00] and that's where the hidden loneliness begins to appear. High functions often become the ones holding space for everyone else. You know, we're the ones that listen. We're the ones that advise. We're the ones that support. We're the ones that help other people process their emotions. We're the ones that stabilize the situations, but rarely are we the ones that are being held, and it's not necessarily because other people don't care. It's often because people don't realize that we need support. And I say we, because I, I know this, this journey really well. This is something that I have worked on. Over the years myself. When someone appears strong and capable and steady, others assume that they're okay. So the emotional attention flows towards the people who seem to be struggling more visibly. You know that old saying, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Isn't that how they say? Meanwhile, the person, he keeps everything running. Quietly continues doing what they've always done. They continue to handle things, they continue to hold things, manage things, and over time they create a very [00:05:00] particular kind of loneliness. And again, it's not the loneliness of not having anyone in your life, but it's the loneliness of not feeling seen inside of these relationships that you have. I hear this pattern so frequently in my coaching conversations when someone will say something like, you know, I have really good people in my life and I know that they care about me, but sometimes I just still feel really alone. And when we explore that feeling more closely, something important begins to actually rise to the surface. Most of their relationships are actually organized around the role that they're playing. The strong one, the thoughtful one. The steady one, the problem solver. The one who gives advice, the one who listens, but very few of those relationships include space where they get to actually be a human being too, where they get to say, Hey, I'm struggling. Um, where they get to show up with uncertainty, where they get to show up with nervousness or with fears where they don't have to be the one who has all the answers. And that realization can feel both surprising and relieving because it helps 'em see something clearly, uh, that the loneliness they feel isn't because something is actually wrong with [00:06:00] them. Um, it's because the role they've learned to play doesn't leave much room for them to actually show some vulnerability. Now there's actually a psychological dynamic behind this pattern. In attachment research, people often develop different strategies for maintaining connection. So some people move towards others when they need support. They seek reassurance, they share emotions easily. Others develop a strategy for self-reliance. They become highly capable, they become independent, they become emotionally contained, and self-reliance can look incredibly strong from the outside, but it often develops as a protective strategy. If I handle things myself, I won't be disappointed. If I stay composed, I won't create conflict. If I don't need too much, relationships will stay stable again. These adaptations can lead to success in a lot of areas of life, but they can also create emotional isolation. And because connection requires something that self-reliance tends to limit. It, it requires visibility. It requires being seen. So for people to feel connected to us, they have to see us. They have to see more of us [00:07:00] than just our competence. They have to actually see our humanity. And that can feel super uncomfortable, uh, for people who have spent years being the strong one, the dependable one. So here are a few things that I want you to maybe think about or to sit with. Where in your life have you become known primarily for your strength? Do people around you see the full range of your emotional experience? Or do they mostly just see that composed version of you? When was the last time you allowed someone to support you without quickly shifting back into the over-functioning role? And perhaps maybe the most important question is, do the people in your life know you beyond what you do for them or the role that you play? Because connection deepens when people move beyond those roles and begin actually seeing each other more fully. If you recognize this pattern in your life, there are a few gentle shifts that you can begin. To open more space for connection. The first shift is simply noticing when you automatically minimize your own needs. High functioning people will often say things like, nah, it's not a big deal, or I'll figure it out. I don't wanna [00:08:00] burden anyone. Those statements may feel responsible, but they also prevent, prevent others from knowing what we're really experiencing. The second shift is allowing support without immediately. Trying to reciprocate so many people, and many of us feel like we, we feel very uncomfortable rece receiving support. So as soon as somebody helps us with something, we immediately feel like we need to reciprocate. And it's sitting with the uncomfortability of accepting and accepting with gratitude. Because connection is not a transaction sometimes. It really does mean just letting someone be there for you. And then the third shift is remembering that vulnerability does not erase strength. In fact, it often deepens those relationships. So when someone is usually composed. And they allow a glimpse of their humanity. It does create space for others to do the same. I mean, as a parent, I know that when I show vulnerability, it allows my kids to show vulnerability. So if you've spent years being the strong one, learning to receive support can feel unfamiliar. Your nervous system may still believe that independence is safer. And so give yourself some compassion 'cause this process takes time. But connection grows when people feel trusted [00:09:00] with their real experiences. Not just the capable version of who we are. Your needs are valid and important, and you deserve to be able to share that with the people in your life. High functioning people are often admired for their strength, uh, but real strength is not just about the ability to hold everything together. It is about the willingness to let others see your humanity. And who it is underneath all of that, because connection is not built on perfection, it's built on that honesty. And sometimes the most powerful shift we can make is allowing ourselves to be known beyond the role we have learned to play. Now, if you'd like to just chat about how coaching can help us shift out of defining ourselves by those roles or just supporting you in this process. Feel free to book a time with me anytime at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well. Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at [00:10:00] www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening!