Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #651 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#651 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now. They told me that sometimes they feel rejected. They
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: feel mostly accepted, but every now and again they feel rejected.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: And it was just that.
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: I guess uppercut was like the little punch to the
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: chops that reminded me that it's really hard to get
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: this right all the time.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Well, the countdown to school holidays is on. In fact,
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: in Queensland, a whole lot of schools, including the public
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  Speaker 2: school just down the road from us, on holidays already,
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  Speaker 2: our kids, they're breathing a sigh of relief for the
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: next six weeks. No more school I think New South Wales, Victoria,
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: most states have got two weeks to go today, Kylie,
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: But I guess things are started to slow down, class parties.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: I wanted to talk to you about something from a
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  Speaker 2: school not far from us, Budroom on the Sunshine Coast.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: There was a news article that appeared just recently that
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: caught my eye. I thought, oh my goodness, what's going
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  Speaker 2: on here? Sunshine Coast Primary school cracks down on candy
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: canes in Christmas cards a Sunshine Coast school. According to
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  Speaker 2: ABC dot AU news site, these requesting parents refrained from
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  Speaker 2: including candy canes in Christmas cards. Budroom Mountain State School
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  Speaker 2: Deputy Principal Michael Allen send an email with the request
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  Speaker 2: to all parents, saying we have a lot of parents
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  Speaker 2: who do not wish for their children to access lollies
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  Speaker 2: during the school day. The email cited dental and health
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  Speaker 2: concerns for the request, quote, students may start eating them
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: early in the morning, and as they contain a lot
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  Speaker 2: of sugar, this is not ideal from a dental high
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: giene perspective. As you would also be aware, increased sugar
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: levels for some students can affect their ability to make
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: appropriate behavior choices and engage productively in learning. If different
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: students bring in cards on different days over the two
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  Speaker 2: week periods, students could potentially be receiving and eating candy
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: canes every day. So before we do our old do
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: better tomorrow. I'm curious about your reaction to the hundred
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Mountain State School request that candy canes not be brought
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: into school by the kids for all of their classmates. Yeay,
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  Speaker 2: or a fair or excessive. Is it like peak twenty
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  Speaker 2: twenty two or are you kind of cool with it?
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  Speaker 1: I think it's a bit of an over reach. You do, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I do. Go on, So, I don't do candy canes
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  Speaker 1: with the.
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  Speaker 2: Kids at all because they get so many of them anyway, No, because.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: They don't like them. But you're not a home with
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: all of these candy cakes that they don't like or
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: they don't want. And lots of children don't like peppermint
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: flavored candy. And because obviously we try really hard to
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: not I guess encourage candy. Over the years, I found
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: different ways to do things. So one year I just
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: did super dupers, but I didn't freeze them, so they
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: had to go home.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: I remember that.
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  Speaker 1: But the old it worked for the younger kids, But
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  Speaker 1: the older kids they're really clever, right, They just hoed
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  Speaker 1: into it and just drank it.
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  Speaker 2: Can you imagine drinking a warm so they people work
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  Speaker 2: for the older kids, but for the younger kids, and
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: did it delayed and met Mum and dad got to
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: decide when and how they received it. That's so creative, though,
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  Speaker 2: Can I just pause on that? Like you've said it
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  Speaker 2: so flippantly, But if we don't want to just do
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: what everyone else is doing. We can still do something
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  Speaker 2: fun and sending a little Christmas card with a zuper
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  Speaker 2: duper and these kids were stoked.
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  Speaker 1: And they just made a little take that said thanks
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: for helping make twenty twenty one or whatever it was
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  Speaker 1: Zooper duperrols. Yeah, you know, just fun little things because
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  Speaker 1: our children naturally want to give, and so that's actually
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: been the joy of the Christmas lead up with the
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  Speaker 1: kids is working out what they can give to their friends.
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  Speaker 1: So this year Miss eight found elf on the shelf. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: she's been watching all of her friends and you know
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  Speaker 1: all the talk about it, and she really really wanted one.
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  Speaker 1: And thankfully we were in the junk shop, so it
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  Speaker 1: wasn't your trademarked elf on the shelf. Doonet cost me
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  Speaker 1: a few dollars.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't know that they were expensive. I just figured
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  Speaker 2: that there was some joctive. I do is for an
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  Speaker 2: elf on the shelf.
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  Speaker 1: I can't get a boy or a girl anyway, I digress.
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  Speaker 1: So she wanted this elf on the shelf. So I
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  Speaker 1: said to her, the only way we could have an
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  Speaker 1: elf on the shelf as if she was Sanda's helper,
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  Speaker 1: which she readily agreed to. Okay, But while we were there,
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  Speaker 1: we found these little straws, curly straws with two little
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  Speaker 1: olves giving each other a hug, and I thought, how
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  Speaker 1: cool to give your friends something that's a bit christmasy,
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  Speaker 1: but it doesn't really contain any sugar. So this year
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  Speaker 1: she gave them little straws with two little olts on them.
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  Speaker 2: And what I love about what you've said is the creativity.
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  Speaker 2: So you're a little you're suggesting that the school is
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: a little bit over the top. In suggesting this, I'm
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: actually kind of sympathetic to it because I don't want
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  Speaker 2: my kids eating excessive junk food. Those candy cane I mean,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: the quality of that food. It's not even food, it's
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  Speaker 2: just a pauing.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I guess after reading that sugar book, it's just
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  Speaker 1: highlighted pretty much most of the lunch boxes have.
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  Speaker 2: Fully full of sugar.
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  Speaker 1: Anyways, as well, we're getting upset about, you know, the
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: things that we know are full of sugar, but we're
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  Speaker 1: actually oblivious to all the hidden sugar in out children
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: are eating every day of the week.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think I'm with you mostly though, And
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  Speaker 2: that is I reckon. It's a little bit harsh primary
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  Speaker 2: school kids. Like you said, they want to give. But
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  Speaker 2: I love what you've said in that we can just
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: be creative. Whether it's thanks for a Zooper DOOPI year
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: or the straws or whatever it might be. There are
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  Speaker 2: so many different ways that we can give out cards
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  Speaker 2: and give a little treat of some kind that may
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: or may not contain sugary stuff. But at the end
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: of the day, I also think they're kids, right, Like
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: they're kids. They're going to eat so much sugar and crappy, junkie,
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  Speaker 2: rubbishy stuff over the next few weeks. What does it
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: really matter if they get stuck into a few candy
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  Speaker 2: canes And like you said, they don't really love them
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: that much anyway, do they, although they still eat them.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: They did the article acknowledge the divide in the community.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it looks like most parents sort of strugg their shoulder.
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  Speaker 2: So there's a dietician at the school who got right
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  Speaker 2: behind and said, yeah, absolutely, it's a good thing. And
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  Speaker 2: there are a few parents like, oh, it's a bit
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: of a shame, but yeah, whatever, So I don't think
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  Speaker 2: anyone's really up in arms. It didn't make front page
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  Speaker 2: headlines or anything. But it caught my attention just because
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: it's one of those things where as we're becoming more
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  Speaker 2: health conscious, more environmentally conscious, as the community, as our
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  Speaker 2: society is looking for ways that we can improve the
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: world and improve humanity and improve ourselves. Candy canes at
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: Christmas in schools the next time the chopping block, and
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  Speaker 2: I thought it was worthy of note. We'd love to
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  Speaker 2: know what you think podcasts as podcasts with an s
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: at Happy Families dot com. Dot U has Budroom Mountain
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: States called gone too far or do you reckon? It's
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  Speaker 2: fair enough? We would love to know your thoughts. Now.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: Every Friday, we have an episode called I'll Do Better
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Tomorrow where we analyze the week that was and try
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  Speaker 2: to work out if we can be better parents. So
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: if we're doing it really well, kicking goals doing let's
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: just nailing our parenting, and Kylie, what's your I'll do
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: better Tomorrow for the week that was?
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  Speaker 1: Well? Without you knowing it, your lead into today's podcast
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: is actually a beautiful segue for my I'll do Better Tomorrow? Okay,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: It really is just about celebrating the small wins that
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: we have so often, I know, I personally get so
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: caught up in the day to day running of family
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: life that I often miss those little gems, these little
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: moments where if I just took a few deep breaths,
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  Speaker 1: I could see just how much progress has actually taken place.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: So Christmas is one hundred percent my favorite celebration of
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: the year. Probably Valentine's would be my next. And I
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: love doing things with the kids, and they love being
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  Speaker 1: able to give things to their friends and their teachers,
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: and so it kind of becomes a whole production for
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: a few days and weeks in early November to try
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: and get it all worked out with them. But Miss
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: em she's eight, and usually she gets quite bored. She's
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: excited in the beginning, and then I ask her to
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: help and she kind of rolls her eyes and like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: can I come back later, And by the time she
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  Speaker 1: comes back, I'm done because I'm wan a roll. And
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: so this year I said to her, she wanted to
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  Speaker 1: give to four different teachers. So she has two teachers
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  Speaker 1: in her classrooms, but then she has a teacher aide,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: did a couple of teacher aids that come in, And
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  Speaker 1: so I said to WILLI are you going to write
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: letters to them, and she said yeah, And I said,
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  Speaker 1: would you like some help? And she said, if you
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  Speaker 1: could just write the big words out so that I
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  Speaker 1: can copy those. And I said, well, if you just
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: do a template, you could write the same letter for
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  Speaker 1: every teacher and just change the name to make it easy. Well,
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  Speaker 1: she didn't take the easy road this year. Normally she
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  Speaker 1: doesn't actually write the cards at all. She'll just do
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  Speaker 1: love Emily and maybe draw a picture next to it.
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  Speaker 1: But this year she was really thoughtful about the teachers
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  Speaker 1: and the things that they had done for her, and
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  Speaker 1: she actually personalized each letter, each little card for them
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  Speaker 1: and filmed them up and then drew a picture that
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  Speaker 1: she thought that teacher would love, so they were all different.
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  Speaker 1: It's such a small thing, but it was just so
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: beautiful to see her giving heart to developing and growing
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  Speaker 1: and her recognition that it's not a cookie cutter gift.
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  Speaker 1: This is something that she wanted her teacher to know
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  Speaker 1: specifically for her personalized that was important. Yeah, that's great
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: stuff and I just loved it. But, like I said,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: because sometimes we just get caught up in it and
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: we actually can miss those little moments. And for me,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: that was just a beautiful moment and little insight into
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: her heart and how it's maturing and growing.
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  Speaker 2: It's beautiful. So my older better tomorrow. Fairly brief, but
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: a bit of a reminder. So on Monday, I was
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: on ABC Radio Western Australia having a conversation with the
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  Speaker 2: presenter about what happens when our children feel accepted and
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: what happens when our children feel rejected by us and
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: the different ways that we can unintentionally create an environment
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: where they feel rejected. Really great conversation, lots and lots
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: of things to talk about there. But after I got
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: off the phone, I had the interview with two of
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: our kids, our fifteen year old and a twelve year
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: old in the car. They've been listening to the whole interview.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: So I sat down in the living room once we've
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: gotten home and the interview was over, and I said, hey,
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: I'm just curious you heard what I was talking about.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: Do you feel like you are unconditionally accepted or do
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: you sometimes feel rejected? And they told me that sometimes
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: they feel rejected, not often, but sometimes they feel mostly accepted,
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: but every now and again they feel rejected. And it
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: was just that that I guess uppercut was like they
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: little punch to the chops that reminded me that it's
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: really hard to get this right all the time. Every
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: now and again we have to correct our kids, but
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: their feelings of acceptance are fragile and they can be
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: shattered really easily when we step in with too much correction,
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: when we override their autonomy, When we make comments to
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: them about what they're doing, or how they're doing, or
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: why they need to do things better, they can internalize
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: that as I'm not worthy, I'm insufficient, they can feel rejected.
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  Speaker 2: And so my older better tomorrow is to work harder
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: on that unconditional acceptance, to move away from rejection and
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: move more towards acceptance so that they know, no matter what,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: that they are accepted. Really short, really simple, but a
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: really important reminder I think about why that matters. If
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: people are interested in finding out more about that, there's
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: an entire chapter in my book twenty one Days to
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: a Happier Family, including a checklist, or you can go
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: back about a week, week and a bit on our
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Facebook page where there's a whole lot of beautiful graphics
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: up there, and on Instagram as well, about a week
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: ago talking about whether we're rejecting or accepting. So that's it.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: That's a little better tomorrow for Friday, December the second.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Thanks so much for listening to the Happy Families podcasts.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: We really appreciate the work of Justin Rulan from Bridge
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: Media and Craig Bruce, our executive producer, for making the
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: podcast sound great, and we really appreciate you. Thank you
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: so much for listening on Monday. With Christmas just around
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: the corner, when should kids get a phone? Is there
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: a golden rule, a perfect age? We're going to be
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: discussing that and a whole lot more on the Happy
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Families podcast. Thanks so much for listening, and have a
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: great weekend.