Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #809 It's What You Leave Out That Counts

Transcript

#809 It's What You Leave Out That Counts · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers. Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Once upon a time I tried to do three loads
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: of washing in one Everything came out dirty than it was.
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  Speaker 2: Because when you put too much in, too much in.
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  Speaker 3: You get less.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: You put too much in, you get mushy results, you
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: get lousy results.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Every Friday on the Happy Families Podcast, we talk about
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  Speaker 2: what we're going to do better tomorrow. This is a
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  Speaker 2: moment of introspection. It's where the parenting expert and his
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  Speaker 2: wife mum to six daughters Kylie, reflect get intentional talk
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  Speaker 2: about well, what didn't and how we can do things better. Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: I think we should start with you. How would you
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: approach today's podcast? How do you want to do things
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: better tomorrow? Or do you just want to celebrate the
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: fact that you've nailed it this week?
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  Speaker 3: Well, we've now been back at school for a week. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: and I have been reflecting on the holiday that was
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: and the acknowledgement that we really need you to slow
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: down and be a part of our holidays. I don't know.
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  Speaker 3: We joke about this a lot.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like you're about to put me under the
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  Speaker 2: bus again in this episode.
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  Speaker 3: Well, let's just say you didn't have a choice these holidays. No,
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: you crashed and burned big time. All right.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: So a little bit of background. It's been an absolutely
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: frantic couple of months. We've had a brand new book
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: come out. There's been a TV show, I had a
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: trip to America for a big conference, and there's been
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: all the usual stuff going on. And towards the end
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: of term two, which I mean we're going back three
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: four weeks now, but towards the end of last term,
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  Speaker 2: I could feel myself starting to crash. I could feel
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  Speaker 2: my my lunds not work properly anymore. I could feel
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: my body starting to say just stop. But we had
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: we had a big night planned in Brisbane for we
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: went to Semolon Rouge. Then the next night we had
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  Speaker 2: a wedding, a wedding were I'm seeing. And then the
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: next day you were catering for a wedding for some friends.
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  Speaker 2: You said, I'll do it. I'd love to try this.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to give it a go. And so I
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: could feel myself crashing and I almost pulled out of
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  Speaker 2: Milan Rouge you actually told me not to go. You
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  Speaker 2: said you're going to take your sister right. No, no, no,
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  Speaker 2: I really want to see this thing. And at Milan Rouge,
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  Speaker 2: I could just feel my throat collapsing and dying. And
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  Speaker 2: then I had to hold it together for the wedding,
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  Speaker 2: which was well I did. I think I did a
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  Speaker 2: reasonable MC job. And then the next day it was Friday,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: and I was gone. I stayed in bed, I didn't move,
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  Speaker 2: And you.
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: Don't get sick very often, and if you do get sick,
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: it's a couple of days in bed and you're back
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  Speaker 3: to life as we know it.
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  Speaker 2: I was so sick that on Tuesday you went on
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  Speaker 2: holidays without me. You put the kids on an airplane.
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  Speaker 2: We booked this family holiday and I just couldn't go.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so executive decision, but we decided that we would
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: leave the Siicou at home.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe that we were in a position where
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  Speaker 2: this happened. I've never even heard stories of this thing
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: happening where the family goes off and leaves one of
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  Speaker 2: the parents at home because they're sick, Like, who does that?
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  Speaker 2: And you did it to me?
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  Speaker 3: I did it to you. I did it to you.
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  Speaker 3: But you know, there are a couple of things that
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  Speaker 3: came out of the holiday that were really big learning
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: moments for me. The first one is something that we've
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: talked about a little bit on the podcast. I've led
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  Speaker 3: a lot of the holiday planning up to you over
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: the years. Of course, I'll do the activities, I'll work
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: out what we're actually going to do there. But when
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: it comes to hotels and airplanes and all of that stuff,
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: the actual logistics of the travel, that's all up to you.
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  Speaker 3: I don't even think about it. I get in the car,
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  Speaker 3: we get to the airport, you get us on the airplane,
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  Speaker 3: you pick up the car. Like I don't think about
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  Speaker 3: any of that stuff. And so when I realized that
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  Speaker 3: I was all on my own, I knew that I
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  Speaker 3: was actually pretty much out of my depths. This is
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  Speaker 3: not a comfort space for me at all, and I
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  Speaker 3: was going to have to do it all alone. But
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  Speaker 3: I also knew that was really important for our kids
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  Speaker 3: to number one, recognize that it was a challenge for me,
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  Speaker 3: but to see me do it in spite of the
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: fact that I was a little bit nervous about it.
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  Speaker 2: Not to mention the fact that they needed a holiday too.
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  Speaker 3: Well, they did. They needed it, and so once upon
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  Speaker 3: a time I probably would have just canceled the holiday.
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  Speaker 3: I would have just said, we're not going. Dad's not well,
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  Speaker 3: we can't do it. But I was like, you know what,
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  Speaker 3: I'm a big girl. I can do this, and so
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  Speaker 3: we decided to give it a go. Well, we got
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: to the airport, everything went smoothly. I parked the car
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  Speaker 3: for the week that we were gone, We got on
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  Speaker 3: an aeroplane, everything was fine. We picked up a car
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  Speaker 3: at the other end. I got them to the airbnb
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  Speaker 3: and I said to them girls, I said, I've never
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: done this before. Like literally, Dad takes care of all
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  Speaker 3: of this. I said, how did I go? And they all,
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  Speaker 3: one by one they were like, oh, ten out of
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  Speaker 3: ten months. Because I have done little bits in the past.
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  Speaker 3: We've been stuck and I've had to do something, and
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  Speaker 3: the girls have watched me. Even just driving to a
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  Speaker 3: new place, I get a little bit stressed out about it,
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  Speaker 3: and my energy might elevate a little bit in those circumstances.
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  Speaker 3: And the last time I had been somewhere with my
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: nineteen year old and I didn't know where I was going.
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  Speaker 3: She was kind of like mom, you're a bit of
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  Speaker 3: stress head. So it was really nice to be able
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  Speaker 3: to go through that process and to just be calm
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  Speaker 3: and know that I was capable and I could do it.
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  Speaker 3: So that was the first thing. The second thing was
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  Speaker 3: just one of the things that we've recognized over the
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  Speaker 3: years is that when we crammed too much in to
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  Speaker 3: our holidays, we don't actually get to enjoy it.
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  Speaker 2: This is my washing machine analogy for those who have
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: missed the story. Once upon a time, I tried to
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  Speaker 2: do three loads of washing in one and I mean
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  Speaker 2: the water didn't even go through all the clothes. Everything
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  Speaker 2: came out dirty than it was. Because when you put
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: too much in, too much in.
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  Speaker 3: You get less.
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  Speaker 2: Too much you put too much in, you get mushy results,
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  Speaker 2: to get lousy results. So there's a lesson in this
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  Speaker 2: from the holiday, I presume.
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  Speaker 3: Unfortunately, once we arrived at our destination, within twenty four hours,
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  Speaker 3: Miss Emily crashed.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so she caught what I had.
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  Speaker 3: She got it, and she got it bad. So all
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  Speaker 3: of a sudden, we're now in a position where we're
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  Speaker 3: away from home, You're sick and not even there, and
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  Speaker 3: I've got one child who is sick sick, sick, and
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: a whole loup of kids that are dying to have
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  Speaker 3: a holiday. Yeah, So thankfully we all brainstormed and we
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  Speaker 3: decided that one person each day would stay home with
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  Speaker 3: the sick child while the other family members go off
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  Speaker 3: and try to have a bit of a holiday. But
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  Speaker 3: as a result, it just meant that we had to
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  Speaker 3: really slow things down, like big time slow things down.
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  Speaker 3: So I just did a small activity in the morning,
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  Speaker 3: then we'd come home for lunch, make sure the child
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  Speaker 3: was so shayild, and then go off again for another
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  Speaker 3: few hours in the afternoon. It's not how we would
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  Speaker 3: have normally done things, and definitely from a travel point
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  Speaker 3: of view, I was doing a lot more miles than
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  Speaker 3: I needed to do because of the logistics of making
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: sure that baby number six was okay. But after a
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  Speaker 3: few days of doing it, the kids actually came to
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  Speaker 3: and there that I really like how we're doing this.
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  Speaker 3: I feel like we've slowed things down and we're just
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  Speaker 3: able to really be in the moment and enjoy this activity. No,
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  Speaker 3: we can come home, We've got a few hours where
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  Speaker 3: we can have some lunch, read a book, maybe watch
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  Speaker 3: a little bit of TV before we head off for
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  Speaker 3: the afternoon.
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  Speaker 2: I'm laughing because I finally flew to where you were
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  Speaker 2: on Saturday, just for the last three days, and it's
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  Speaker 2: exactly the opposite. Once I got there, was like, okay,
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  Speaker 2: let's go. We got lots to do.
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  Speaker 3: It was for me because you arrived. I knew that
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  Speaker 3: you were kind of trying to fit in as much
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  Speaker 3: of a holiday as possible in three days that we've
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  Speaker 3: been planning for, you know, a whole week, and so
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  Speaker 3: just to kind of navigate the shortened period of time
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  Speaker 3: that we now had together as a family and the
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  Speaker 3: travel that was required for different places. I looked at
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  Speaker 3: it and said, okay, well we're going to go on
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  Speaker 3: hour up the road. There's this thing, this thing, and
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  Speaker 3: this thing that we could do.
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  Speaker 2: Let's do them all.
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  Speaker 3: Let's just try and do them all because I knew
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  Speaker 3: that that's how your brain would work.
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  Speaker 2: That's exactly it.
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  Speaker 3: But we woke up the next morning and everyone was
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  Speaker 3: just feeling a little bit and so I said, you
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  Speaker 3: know what, let's revise it. Let's not do all of it.
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  Speaker 3: But what did you say?
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  Speaker 2: I said, it'll be fine, let's do it. Do it,
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  Speaker 2: let's jam too much in.
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  Speaker 3: So the first two activities went beautifully, Yes they did.
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  Speaker 3: We had a wonderful time. The last activity of the
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  Speaker 3: day was the one that I was actually just itching
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: to do. But we hadn't done a lot of homework,
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: so when we got there, we recognized that it actually
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  Speaker 3: was going to require a little bit more of us
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  Speaker 3: than we had originally anticipated, and all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 3: all of the wheels fell off.
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  Speaker 2: In fairness, I said, let's pull the pin. You were
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  Speaker 2: a bit cranky about it because we were finally there
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: and it was an hour and a half up the
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: road from where we were staying, so we had to
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  Speaker 2: drive all the way back the next day. I rescued it.
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  Speaker 2: I said let's go, let's do it, and we did,
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  Speaker 2: and it was the highlight of the trip. Can I
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  Speaker 2: just can I just put that in there?
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  Speaker 3: Okay?
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  Speaker 2: So what's your take home message when it comes to
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: family holidays? Is it slowed down, don't put too much in,
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: leave husbands at home. What's the take home message here here?
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  Speaker 1: For me?
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  Speaker 3: I think it was really just slowing down those first
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: few days of the holiday, in spite of the fact
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: that we weren't all able to be get that's a
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: huge thing. We weren't all able to be together.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a just point.
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  Speaker 3: But just recognizing that you kind of had to make
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: lemonade out of the lemons that we were given allowed
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: us to have experiences that we otherwise wouldn't have had
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  Speaker 3: because we just had to reinvent the wheel for a
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  Speaker 3: little bit. But slowing down made all of those experiences
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  Speaker 3: that's that much more enjoyable. We actually really got to
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: just take in that moment, and then the drive home,
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  Speaker 3: even if it was an hour, it didn't detract from
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  Speaker 3: it because we weren't trying to squeeze so much in
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  Speaker 3: We kind of you know, were coming home. We still
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: felt fresh, even though we'd driven an extra hour to
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  Speaker 3: do it.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like this take home message of don't try
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  Speaker 2: to tramp too much and comes up a lot of
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: the podcast, and yet it's a lesson that we need
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: to be hearing again and again and again. This slow
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: things down. Take a leaf out of the Chris and
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: Philippa Slow Parents from French guidance book. There's there's so
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: much value there in terms of my older Better Tomorrow.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: I'm going to share just to brief ideas. The first
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: is the creativity of kids. I love how creative our
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: kids are. You've talked all about our holiday. Something that
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: happened on the holiday and has continued since then is
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: our kids developed. They invented a brand new game and
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: it was so much fun. I so didn't want to
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: play this, Like I'm not into games at all anyway,
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: and I just we.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: Couldn't understand what they were trying to say in the
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: first place.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: This game though, and it was so much fun. So
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: you need a fair few people to be able to
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: do it. You'd want at least four people. So one
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: person has chosen to be the questioner, and I guess
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: you'd probably need people to be a sort of eight
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: and above to play this game. But one person is
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: chosen to be They just did there. So let's say
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I'm in. I've got to close my eyes, and everybody
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: else has to pick a number that they agree on
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  Speaker 2: between why ten, yeah, yeah, So you might all decide
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: that you're going to pick the number eight. And then
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: my job is to ask each person who's not in,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: because I'm the one that's in, how they would rank something.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: So i might say book or movie or food or
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: holiday destination or whatever. And I'm and let's Let's say
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: I say I asked you a book or a song
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: or a band and the number was eight.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: You would say, I have to come up with a
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: band that I would give an eight too, But I
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: would that I would rate as an eight.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: And so we've got all these ratings, like this person
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: in the family sings at that number. So if it's eight,
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: of course you're gonna pick me. If it's ten, we're
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: going to pick you.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: Yes, But we decided we weren't going to do things
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: like that because I've got a bit personal, isn't it.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: But it might be food yeah, yeah so or dessert. Yes,
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: it could be like lasagna is an eight, whereas I
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: don't know sausage and mash is a three.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: So there's no numbers.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, No one gets to say the number. Everyone just
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: has to say what that.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: Can think about the category. You think about the category
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: and they think about the number, and then they come
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: up with a food or whatever it is, a book
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: or a song or a movie that corresponds to the category.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: That's exactly right.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: If that makes it. Now we're saying, I'm thinking, how
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: in the world we play this game? But we got it,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: and we played it for hours and hours. It was
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: such so much fun. On the long car rides. It
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: was great. On the train ride that we talk, and
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: on the skyrail trip that we talk, it was great
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: when we were just sitting in the like, it was
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: so much fun.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: And what's great is watching just how the kids are
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: able to pick categories that is going to give them
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: the best chance of being able to get the number right.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: So much fun. Like, Okay, so you said lasagna, and
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: you've said the holiday destination is I don't know, New
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: Zealand or Ballei or Sydney or whatever, and they're kind
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: of integrating all this information about the meal and the
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: book and the song and the holiday destination or the
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: quality of friend or whatever it is, and then bang
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: they'll say eight and goes no way.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: Like that was amazing. Was if they didn't get it right,
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: they were literally one mark away.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: Usually Yeah, it was crazy. So just just kind of
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: small moments. And that's with my real take home message,
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: and that is so I'm talking about the holiday because
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: for the last week I've been away. I left on
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Sunday flew out to Sydney and I was working in
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: Sydney at Sydney Grammar doing some professional development for staff
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: there on Monday. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I was
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: in the Elora region, and on Thursday I was at
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Oxford College in the Southern Highlands. I've been all over
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: the New South Wales countryside over the last week and
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: haven't really been at home. But as I was thinking
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: about that game and thinking about those small moments that
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: we had, I kind of thought this week one thing
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: that I've done really well because I've been away is
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: taking advantage of time confetti. You know when you get
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: those tiny bits of paper confetti and they just settled
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: down bit by bit. That's kind of what this week
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: has been when it comes to my involvement with the family.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: Five minutes on the phone here, two minutes on the
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: phone there, a quick FaceTime call in the morning, a
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: quick good night call before I go and run a presentation,
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: or as I'm driving back to the hotel. And it's
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: been those time can fitting moments that have really I
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: think been the magic in the week, kind of putting
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: a positive spin on the fact that I've been away,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: which makes it super hard. So that's my older about
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: it tomorrow. Yours don't stick too much in Mine is
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: take advantage of the small moments and really celebrate them.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: That connection with your kids makes such a difference. We
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: hope that's a little bit of inspiration for your upcoming weekend.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Good luck making your family happier and being intentional. Hopefully
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: you'll be able to do better tomorrow as a result
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: of the things that we've shared with you just now.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rawlan from
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: information about making your family happier, visitors at happy families
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: dot com dot you. Oh, and a quick reminder as well,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: our Parenting ADHD course is about to start. It starts
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: on July thirty one. If you haven't checked out already,
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: you can get all the details at happy families dot com,
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: dot you and at Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families on Facebook.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Bill