Latest / Authentic Living / Resolving Conflict as a Leader (Part II) with Christi Scarrow

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Resolving Conflict as a Leader (Part II) with Christi Scarrow · Authentic Living

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  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
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  things that really matter in our lives.
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  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
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  Our interview last week was so good that we decided to turn it into a 2 part series.
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  If you missed last week, you'll find the link in the show notes.
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  It's not mandatory that you listen, but we wanna make sure that you don't miss out on this
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  amazing conversation.
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  Everyone, it's, Roxanne Durgesh of authentic living with Roxanne.
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  Today, I have a I would say a friend now because we spent almost a year together, in a
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  writing group and her name is Christy Scaro.
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  So, Christy, thanks for coming on.
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  I know Christina, I have not met in person yet.
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  I'm gonna assume probably what time we will.
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  But we joined a writing group in, when COVID started and Of course, both of us, my book is
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  still in the edit stage, but hers has been published and put out to the world.
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  So an amazing accomplishment.
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  So, Christy, thanks for coming on.
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  Christy is a specialist, on conflict, and, her her book is called truth warriors, and we're
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  gonna talk a little bit about conflict, something that I think most of us kinda are
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  familiar with.
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  I would say some of us do it okay sometimes, and we're but we're always needing to to learn
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  the skills necessary, to kind of mitigate the outcomes of when conflict goes that.
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  So let's talk a little bit about in the context of workplaces.
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  Say, let's say team.
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  So let's say I'm a leader and, you know, but I'm having, so let's say, difficulty
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  potentially as part of a group with maybe 1 or 2 of my members.
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  How what kind of what do you do, as a conflict resolution expert with that leader to kind of
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  help them kind of mediate, you know, some of those challenges.
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  So one of the models that I often teach and and this was is, I don't know if you've heard of
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  SBI, as a feedback model, which is situation behavior intention.
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  I've actually added a couple letters on to it in my in the model that I work through with
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  with them conflict.
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  And that is basically I've added an I and a q.
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  So an I starts with intentions.
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  Right?
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  So when you're having One, if you're feeling in conflict with somebody, ultimately you need to
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  to be able to express, you know, your concerns, your perspective, in a way that's going to, be
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  respectful and be considerate and obviously have an impact.
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  And the best way to do that is one start with why are we having this conversation?
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  So what are my intentions in talking this through with you?
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  So just like my example, you know what?
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  My intentions are this.
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  I just wanna make sure that my assumptions are correct.
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  I wanna make sure I wanna improve our our European relationship.
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  I really want you to be enjoying the work that you're doing.
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  So I'm coming in with positive intentions and whatever information I'm sharing with you.
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  And then I'm gonna get specific.
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  So the SBI is like, here's the situation as an example, and here's what I saw or what I what,
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  you know, what what happened, in the behaviors.
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  And the impact on me was or the impact on the team was was this.
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  And by by being specific and having somebody understand, and here for your benefit, here's
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  exactly the example I can give you, which is very specific, and here's the implications or
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  the impact on me.
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  The cue part of that model is actually questions.
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  So dialogue, it's a discussion.
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  Whenever I'm providing feedback to somebody, it's not about it's about engaging in the
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  conversation.
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  So it's setting the scene to say, why we're having this conversation, giving you specific
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  example information that can actually help you understand the challenges that I'm facing, and
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  then engaging in what's happening, what's going on, you know, how do we work better together?
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  How do we make this work?
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  So Yeah.
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  A lot of times, the the conflict arises by missed expectations.
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  Right?
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  My expectations are different from your expectations.
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  So coming back to say this is what I expected and this is what happened and the impact was
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  that, you know, I struggled or I made a mistake or I wasn't able to do my work well.
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  You know, help me help me work through this.
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  So if you bring it, come to it from that perspective, I find that's a great model I
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  teach it when I'm teaching leaders how to give just general feedback to their employees, but I
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  also teach it for peer to peer because a lot of times I hear in conflict easier.
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  It's I don't know if it's easier.
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  It's hard being a leader, but in some ways, easier to give feedback and have constructive
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  conversations with your people who are working for you.
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  It's harder to have conversations with your peers and it's even harder to to have
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  conversations, I think, with your managers.
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  Right?
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  So a lot of people are like, my manager doesn't does this and doesn't do that and how do and
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  they don't give me good feedback and they're always crumbling and they're the ones causing
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  the conflict and And so I'm okay.
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  What's what's your role in that?
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  Right?
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  How can you provide feedback?
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  How do you role model asking for feedback?
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  How do you role model providing feedback in a way that feels respectful and feels beneficial?
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  Always thinking about from their perspective.
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  I love the specificity of it, right, because oftentimes when there's conflict that's gone
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  awry, it's so vague And because we're, like, you said conflict avoidance, and I'm sure
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  everybody would go, yay.
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  That's me.
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  I'm pretty good, but, I do it good here, but not so good there.
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  I like the fact that it's specific, right, like what what's your intention and what are the
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  implications of the specific behavior because that way, if you have people that are trying to
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  detract, within Christie, by being vague and and not giving you an exact example, if you
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  could pull out, say, 1 or 2 examples with your team, right, like, say with your with the
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  leader with the team, you can say, well, Roxanne, when you did this, This is what
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  happened and this is how it impacted the team and this is kind of what the fallout out was
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  here and here.
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  Then I would go, oh, okay.
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  Alright.
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  I hadn't thought about that, but if it's vague, that conversation's gonna go down.
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  I would think I've as a the peer or the team member, I might get a little bit more defensive
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  because I don't know specifically what is the road map You're trying to make me impact
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  something, but I don't see the clear picture.
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  Yeah.
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  So I love that.
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  I love that.
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  Yeah.
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  I think and I think that's a trap we often fall into an two different reasons.
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  Either we're vague because we're frustrated and we and we we applied judgmental labels.
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  So, like, you know, you were lazy or you didn't you might not be as as as forthright as that,
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  but you you use judgmental language in the way you speak as opposed to the specifics of this
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  is something I can observe.
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  So, like, again, being late, I could say, you know, what?
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  I had to wait around for 10 minutes.
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  That's something it's probably hard for you to argue with.
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  It's a very specific example.
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  You know, as a result, I was late for my next meeting or whatever it was or we didn't get to
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  talk to everything you want to talk to.
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  So the various specifics as opposed supposed to.
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  You know, if you start with, you didn't feel very considerate of my time.
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  Everyone, you're gonna go, what?
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  I I am considered if you're like, so instantly that you need to you need to think of when
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  you're gonna give feedback about what is that very specific thing that caused me to move to
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  that judgment The other thing I think the reason we're vague is actually almost on the
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  extreme is I don't wanna hurt your feelings.
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  Like, I actually have a lot of respect for you.
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  You're a nice person.
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  I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose.
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  And this is the same with my partner.
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  I I love and respect her to death.
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  So it wasn't a it wasn't that you're irritating me.
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  It was a I don't want, like, I don't want us to come back at her, suggest that she didn't make
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  the right choice.
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  It's hard to give feedback because of that.
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  But in the end, I always say it's more important to be kind than nice.
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  So the longer term kindness, which is I'm gonna share this with you because I know that if I
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  don't, it's gonna cause friction on our relationship.
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  Or I'm gonna share this with you because I'm really hoping it benefits you in the long run
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  because if I'm feeling it, maybe somebody else's and back to those good intentions.
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  So a lot of times we resist getting feedback and and getting into those difficult
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  conversations because we like the person and feel and and don't want them to feel bad.
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  So again, if you're very specific and the emotion out of it and say this is exactly what
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  I saw or exactly what happened or how I perceived it or the assumption that I'm making
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  then you put it back on on being able to have the conversation and take out the emotion of it
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  a little bit.
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  Well, I think that would be very, a valuable model also peer to peer, right, So it's really
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  it's about me taking accountability for what, if I'm your peer and I, things are kind of
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  rough between us.
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  If I apply the same kinds of things, level to level.
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  Obviously, there's different expectations and roles and stuff like that, but really on a
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  communication level, you know, because your specific you're saying exactly what happened,
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  how it impacted, and what you would say prefer instead in the future.
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  That's a really nice kind of solid model.
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  And like you said, and then the questioning falls in line.
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  The queue that you've added, is is kinda nice because then if I say, you know, I don't
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  understand what you meant there, help me understand.
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  I did it this week because I said, what I thought you wanted, but you didn't like it was
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  what what was missing there.
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  So I guess more of that constructive kind of conversation that allows you to hopefully,
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  like, understand what didn't go well, what, you know, understand that maybe one person's
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  perception of something is different from another's.
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  So you're really drilling down further, which really is to the core fundamentals of higher
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  level communication, which a lot of times I've I've I think as human beings, we get kind of
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  lazy.
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  And, and then we don't you know, we we were good sometimes and sometimes were better.
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  Maybe we're tired.
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  Maybe, you know, lots of things are going on.
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  And especially in this time, I think a lot of people you said a lot of people have been more
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  conflict avoidant through the pandemic.
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  Is that what I heard you say earlier?
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  I I think so.
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  I think what I've seen, I need a a a HR forum.
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  Or HR roundtable on what I'm hearing in that level too is that managers have been reluctant
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  to provide feedback and to get into those difficult conversations because think initially
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  we're like, oh, when we get back in person, I'll deal with it.
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  Of course, that hasn't fully happened, and it probably never will be backed like that.
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  So I think it's this desire to I would rather have in person feedback.
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  It's harder to read your body language.
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  It's harder to interact virtually.
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  We know all that.
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  So I think there's been a bit of a reluctance.
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  And I think to couple that, you know, though, I think people are really nervous about talent
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  right now has lots rolling around about, you know, having to lose good people and and people
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  are gonna leave because of these new, hybrid working environment.
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  So think there's this real fear of scaring people away.
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  I think there's this real, uncertainty about how to do it in the virtual space and whether I
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  should or not and so I think I really believe there's a need to it said lean into conflict,
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  and address any conflict situation to be able to actually get through that.
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  Otherwise, if you pull away from it, it builds and and as you probably know, like, you
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  tolerate bad behavior from 1, the implication on everybody else is is substantial.
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  Because So,
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  like, a little bit of an ink an ink blot, right, because everybody's looking to see how
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  you're responding.
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  And if you're not taking the steps necessary to kind of deal with it, then your entire team
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  kinda thinks, now I see what, how, you know, what kind of leader you are and those types of
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  things.
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  Let's talk a little bit about the book because I know we're almost at time.
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  Tell me, you know, and tell a listeners what the book is about, what they they can
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  experience with it, and then, obviously, we'll tell them how they can get a hold of the book
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  and where they can get a hold of yourself and, like, a lice lighthouse 9.
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  Thanks, Roxanne.
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  Yeah.
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  So the book sort of does certainly started on the on the idea of creating better connection
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  and and and why do we believe the way we believe.
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  So it talks about that.
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  And this idea of truth to me is actually when I started looking at it, and I'm like, well,
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  truth is not I think started from a voice of what's the facts, and I realized that truth is
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  not about the facts.
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  Truth is about, you know, truth is personal.
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  So my truth isn't gonna be the same as your truth.
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  And that's sort of the concept of the book.
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  And the warrior is actually, again, when it comes to conflict.
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  So it brings together the idea of making the right decisions and be another perspectives.
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  And there's a model that I created as part of there, which your your, your audience,
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  certainly, I encourage them to take the assessment that's that's built around some of
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  the concepts in the book.
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  And it gives you a perspective of whether you're more a rational or intuitive decision
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  maker and whether you're more conflict diverse or conflict assertive.
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  And so you've you find yourself on those quadrants, which basically says you might be
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  the kind of person that's actually fairly assertive in conflicts that you're willing to
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  speak your mind, but you actually might not be the best listener to other perspectives, if
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  that's the case.
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  And if you're a very rational person in your decision making it same time, then you might be
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  the kind of person that, you know, has a lot of pushing your facts on people and not like and
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  not necessarily knowing how to wrap your brain around some people who are maybe intuitive and
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  and vision focused.
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  So I've looked at those 4 quadrants, and if you do the assessment, then you can get a report
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  that kinda says where you sit and some of the opportunities because I feel it's all about the
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  balance.
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  Right?
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  If you're very diverse, there's definitely opportunities to be more assertive If you're
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  assertive, there's more opportunities to be averse, or at least sort of find your way
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  towards the middle.
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  And that's, I think, what great leadership is is finding the way to the middle, recognizing
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  where your team sits.
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  So if you know somebody who's very, intuitive in their decision making, it might be really
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  quick.
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  But they're not validating your decisions.
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  And maybe they're averse.
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  They're not actually speaking up.
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  They're just sort of moving forward without bringing in the group.
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  So those two things kinda came together for me in the book and the model is described in each
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  of those sort of strengths and characteristics are explained in the book for cultures that are
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  have kind of sit in those quadrants teams.
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  So if you find you all of your team in one area, you're probably not making the best
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  decisions.
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  And then I've got a bunch of sort of strategies and and hopefully the book brings it to life
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  with a with
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  a bunch of stories as well.
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  That sounds amazing.
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  Just, you know, because I'm more of an intuitive decision maker, but, you know, like,
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  and sometimes people say, well, how did you get there?
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  I'm like, well, because I just got there.
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  So I would probably
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  You should do the assessment and see where you land.
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  Well, I should because I assume I am, but yep.
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  No.
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  But again, you know, and then the the pragmatic person is probably going, where'd that come
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  from?
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  So you could see how that could create a bit of dissension based on the context to your point
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  about how you're having to work together and stuff like that.
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  Well, Christy, this has been amazing.
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  So tell everybody where they can get a hold, whether it's to have a consult with you or to
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  buy the book, and or maybe do some work with you further.
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  Yeah.
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  The best place to find me is at, truthwarriors.ca.
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  So I'm just gonna spell that t r u t h w a r r e r.
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  Truth warriors dot com.
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  Just yours with
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  an, oh, not an e.
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  Horrible speller.
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  So, yeah, if you check out truth warriors dot CA slash assessment that'll take you to the
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  assessment slash 5 will take you to the book.
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  But if you, and I've actually got it in paperback, ebook as well as audio.
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  So if you're the kind of person that prefers to listen to your books, then I I had that option
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  recently reviewed as well.
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  So, yeah, I would love that you connect with me there to learn more about it, learn more about
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  yourself, and what the what I love is what those assessments is is it starts from a place
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  of understanding, which is what we've been talking about today, understanding your natural
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  tendencies.
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  I do that with teens as well.
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  So, again, you see your team is in different places, how do you leverage their strengths?
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  So if you've got a team that you feel like are not really well connected a great way to look
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  at, okay, maybe it's because we're actually all coming at this from very different angles and
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  how do we leverage Roxanne as very intuitive to take us along a path maybe more quickly than
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  the rest of us.
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  So, hopefully, you find it you find it useful, but that's that's where you can find me.
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  Awesome.
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  Well, thanks so much for your time.
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  So what am I taking away?
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  I'm taking away that we all have the biases and to recognize that when you get the visceral
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  reaction in your body.
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  So when your body's screaming at you because you know you're having a higher level of
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  reaction, it's to step back and say, what are the assumptions that I'm making based on what's
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  in front of me?
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  And then kind of try to think, okay.
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  Well, what what what is being triggered in me?
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  Is making me want to respond this way and then kind of, you know, trying to step back from it.
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  And I'm gonna go and check with this assessment because now I would learn a little bit more
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  about myself.
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  So if for anyone, wanting information on authentic leadership with your teams, please
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  reach out.
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  I can be reached with chat with Roxanne.
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  And, we'll get on on a call together.
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  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive
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  healthy change.
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  Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit Roxanne
• 17:38
  Derhodge dotcom/blueprint.
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  We'll see you next time on authentic living with Roxanne.