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Transcript

S1 Ep13: The Classic Husband/ 45 Minutes Comedy 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: And COVID wasn't just all about medical issues either.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: COVID had had forced a lot of us to reevaluate our marriages.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know where you are.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm one of them.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: My lovely bride and I have been married for 40 years.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: But let me tell you something.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: The reason we've been married for 40 years is because I go away.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I often tell her I'm the perfect husband.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I go on the road, pick up a check, come home, drop it off, leave again.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: But COVID hit, and now we're together 24-7, and we had a little digesting to do.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I learned a lot about Gail that I didn't know.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: You would think after 40 years of marriage, I'd know everything there is to know about that woman.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: But I learned a lot.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I learned that she's addicted to Bed Bath and Beyond.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I think they ought to call it Bed Bath and Beyond your budget.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: She just buys crap.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: One day she came in and she goes, We need to go to Bed Bath and Beyond.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I said, For what?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, I need to get clothes hangers.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Don't we get them free from the cleaners?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, I need these special kinds.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And you ladies will know what I'm talking about.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: She said, I need the kind with the velvet on them.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I said, for what?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, so it keeps my dress from falling off.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: I go, that's been our problem for 40 years.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: My other favorite was, she goes, we need to go to bed, bath, and beyond.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: I go, now for what?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, she said, I need to get guest towels.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, for what?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, so when people stay with us, Bill, they have towels they can use.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I said, well, here's a thought.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: We have a washer and dryer.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And those folks don't live with us, so they don't know that our regular towels ain't our guest towels.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if they bitch about us, screw them, they can go stay at the Hilton.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: I said, You're just buying crap.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, you buy crap at Bass Pro Shop.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, No, ma'am.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I buy essential items at Bass Pro Shop.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, like what?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, like, I need a cooler that knows whether to keep my beer cold or my coffee hot.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's essential.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, You're an idiot.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I'll be an idiot with a cold beer.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'll be.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just weird to see how she was acting during COVID.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because if and I swear, if I didn't know better, I think she was pregnant.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because she was nesting, I swear.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I would get a cup of coffee, take two sips of it, set it down on the stool, and walk three steps away.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Are you done with that?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's three-quarters of it left.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's still steam coming off it, so I'm gonna go, no, Alex.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, you know where to put it when it's done.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I go, right, we throw it out in the street.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, you put it in the dishwasher and put it in the dishwasher right.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I go, What do you mean, right?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I didn't know this, fellas.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know this?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: That there is a wrong way and a right way to load a dishwasher.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: See?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: One night we had dinner, and I we finished dinner and I took my plate and my silverware and I walked to the dishwasher, put them in there, shut the dishwasher.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Here comes Gail right behind me.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Opens up, starts rearranging.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What are you doing?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, You put them in there wrong.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What are you talking about?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Bill, you can't put bowl, plate, cup, bowl, plate, plate, cup, bowl, plate.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I go, why not?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, they won't get clean.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Have you ever actually been inside a dishwasher?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Here's something else I didn't know, gang.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that women can have a bad day and blame the whole day on their hair?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: One day during COVID, Gail was in a pissy mood.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I thought she was in a pissy mood.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What's wrong with you, honey?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Oh, my the girl that cut my hair did it all wrong.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can't get it right, and it just ruined the whole damn day.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, wow.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Fella couldn't get away with that.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Fella couldn't have a bad wiener day.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: We do.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Some days it looks good, doesn't it, boy?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: You want to slap a leash on it and walk it around the block.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then other days maybe it was cold.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: You slept on it wrong.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Man couldn't blame a whole damn day on it though.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, Jimmy, what's wrong with you?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having a bad winter.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: I took a shower, fell asleep on the couch, it was still wet.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do nothing with it.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna guarantee you right now there's somebody in this theater going, that is a bored human being right there.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is another thing I learned.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: My lovely wife likes, she has to say things out loud.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's how she gets them straight in her head.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Perfectly fine if you know that's going down.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: But we'll be in the car and I'm driving, and this is what I'll hear.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I need to go to the cleaners, I need to make a hair appointment, I need to make sure to get my nails done.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I'm not, I'm not talking to you.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Fine, I keep driving.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Then I hear, okay, do we have dog food?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wait, wait, we got do we need to pick up those tickets and uh we need do we need to make reservations for dinner tomorrow?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I just keep driving.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Are you gonna answer me?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if I knew who you were talking to.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Me or your little imaginary friend down there.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: This was my other favorite one.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: The other day she came and she goes, I think you need to get your hearing tested.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, see?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I was joking.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, Bill, I really think you need to get your hearing tested because you don't hear half the stuff I say.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember when I day I got married, my granddaddy pulled me aside and he said, Son, you want the secret to a long and happy marriage?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Pick your battles.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: He said, if you go to war every time, you're gonna lose.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking, this is a battle.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, All right, I'll go get my hearing tested.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to the hearing doctor, gave me the test.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Your hearing's fine.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Thank you very much.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Went home.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Gail said, How'd it go?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I said, he said, my hearing's just fine.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Well, how do you is it you don't hear half the stuff I say?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I said, You know, it's funny you bring that up.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because he said that maybe you shouldn't wait till you're at the other end of the house before you start talking to me.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the women, fellas, look at them, look at them.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: They know it's in their little bullet in their arsenal right there.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, Gail and I could be sitting in the same room for three hours, not a word is said.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I get up and walk to the other end of the house and I hear this.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now I gotta come back in and go, What?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: See?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're hard of hearing.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I go, no, dogs couldn't hear what you were saying.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at the archery range.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I had little field tips on my arrows.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I shot my bow and arrow for about an hour, put them in the back of the truck, drove home.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Got to the house, took the bow and arrows out of the back of the truck, and I'm walking up the driveway, and right there is one of my son's old basketballs just laying in the dirt.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought to myself, I wonder if a fella could shoot an arrow through a basketball.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I took an arrow, I drew back.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, y'all.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I could have done this 10,000 times and I'd have popped that basketball.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: But because I had field tips on my arrows, when the arrow hit the basketball, they hit one of the seams so perfectly the arrow shot straight back up and the knock laid my cheek open right here.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I got a flap of skin hanging, I'm bleeding.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I walk in the house, and Gail's like, What the hell?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I said his basketball was right there.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: You tell me what grown man wouldn't have looked at that basketball and thought to himself, I wonder if I can shoot an arrow through a basketball.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I'll tell you who, Bill, nobody.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody but you.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're like a nine-year-old.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to God, you're gonna put me in a home.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Do you think we can finish this later?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm feeling a little lightheaded right now.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So she gives me a dish towel.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm holding this flapping skin against my face, it's soaked with blood.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: She's driving me to the hospital, of course, the whole way there is just.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I kept thinking, why couldn't the arrow hit me in the ear?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: We get to the hospital, I walk through the emergency room doors and I hear, Good God, the dumbest man on the planet is nice.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: You are putting my kid through college.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's like where we live right now.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, behind our house is about a 40-50 acre plot of woods.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And beyond that's another neighborhood, but but I don't know those folks.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Probably for their benefit.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: But my next door neighbor on the other side, Luke, he puts a game camera out in the woods behind our house and he takes pictures of the deer and elk and bear that walk by, and then he posts it on his Facebook page.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one night I got an idea.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it'd be funny if I got a Bigfoot outfit.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, that's genius.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'd get that Bigfoot outfit and walk in front of his game camera leg.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just to be there when he's going through his pictures, he goes, Yeah, that's an elf, that's a bear, there's Bigfoot, there's oh my God.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what we've learned here tonight is that when I get an idea, I don't really think it through.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I just kind of roll with it.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I went into town, went to the costume shop, but they did not have a Bigfoot outfit.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: But they did have a movie quality Batman outfit.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking that is a gift from God right there.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: How much funnier would that be?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: He's flipping through his pictures and there's Batman?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yes.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And this thing was awesome.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: It had the cape the mask, the little eyepieces, the shorts, the tool belt, the tights, the boots, everything.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Gloves.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so I wanted to do it at night.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: So the picture was kind of grainy, so he couldn't really see it was me.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Last June, I'm sitting in my den, six o'clock in the evening, dressed as Batman.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And Gail walked by.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I could tell by the look on her face, she did not comprehend what was about to go down.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Are you gonna tell me?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Yes, ma'am, I am.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I said, You know how Luke puts that game camera in the woods behind now?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Yeah.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I thought it'd be funny.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: If I got a Bigfoot outfit.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Bill, no.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, I went to town, they did not have a Bigfoot outfit.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Thank God.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I said, but they had this bitchy Batman outfit.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking, how much funnier would that be?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's flipping to his pictures and there's Batman.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's gonna be funny.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Bill, no.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: I go, listen, I know funny.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's my job.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: On a funny scale, one to ten, thirty.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I can't talk you out of this, can I?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I go, nope.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, okay.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, but wait a minute, it's only six.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: It don't get dark for a couple hours.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you dressed like Batman now?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: I said, good question.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is a good opportunity for us to be honest.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Who has not wanted to have sex with Batman?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, okay, not only no, but hell no.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: I said, why not?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, I'll be happy to tell you why not.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: She said, let's say we do this.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I kind of get into it.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, where does it stop?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't follow you.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Yes, you do.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I say yes to this, you'll be out there buying Green Lantern outfits, you'll be buying Spider-Man outfits, you're going to want me dressed like Catwoman.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the whole time I'm sitting there thinking, I ain't really heard a reason not to yet.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that didn't happen.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it gets dark, and I book it out in the woods.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I get out in the middle of these pitch black woods, and the thought occurs to me, I don't really know where Luke's game camera is.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: So now I'm just a grown man dressed like Batman in the woods in the middle of the night.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is a news story waiting to happen.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know when you get out in the woods and it's dark and you start hearing things and your mind starts playing tricks on you?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: I start flipping out.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my God, Bill, this is bad, bad, bad, bad.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: What if you get killed by a mountain lion?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: What if a pack of wolves tears you in half?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: How are they gonna tell your kids?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I hate being a hypochondriac because it's just it's not fun because you're always worried about death.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: A cold.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm gone.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: True story, every year, Gail and I would get our physical and we'd get our blood work done just in case there was something, we could stay on top of it.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: So this happened this year.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: We had our physicals, got our blood work done.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Four days later, I'm out playing golf.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Five o'clock in the evening.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I get back in the golf cart, I see a message from the doctor, a voicemail, and this is what it said.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: You need to call us as soon as possible.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell does that mean?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what it means.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm dying.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it means.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was I oh my god, I called the doctor's office back.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's 5 30 on a Friday, they're gone.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I got all weekend to stew about this.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I called my friends, I said, Look, man, I hope you know that that I tried to be a good friend to you, and and that you'll member me with a smile when my name comes up in conversation.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: I called my kids, I said, Daddy has loved you with all his heart.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, You'll you know, you're gonna find a new daddy.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and I'm sure he'll be nice and just please memory that I tried to do.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: I know I made some bad decisions, but you know, and my daughter goes, What's wrong with you?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I go, Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but the doctor called and said, I'm dying.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: She said, That's what they said.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, yes.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: They said they said they they needed me to call them right back, and you know what that means.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Yeah, it means they want you to call them right back.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: I go, Well, honey, whatever you got to do to get through this, I totally support it.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: I went to Gail and said, Baby, make me a promise that when I'm gone, you'll get remarried.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't mourn over me.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be in a good spot.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, What is wrong with you?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, uh, the doctor called and said that I need to call him as soon as possible.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what that means.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Yeah, it means they want you to call them as soon as possible.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: I go, No, it means I'm dying.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, you know what?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're an idiot.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, I'll be a dead idiot because that's you know, that's what happens.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I call my lawyer on a Saturday.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know what it costs to call your lawyer on a Saturday to make sure your will's in order?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Monday morning, that doctor's office opened at 9 a.m.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was outside that door at 7 a.m.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: I waited for two hours.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: This nurse finally walked up and she goes, What are you doing here, Bill?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, y'all called Friday and said, Calls as soon as possible.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I tried, but y'all were gone, so I just need to know: is it gonna be a quick death?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna linger?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to put more money away?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, we just wanted to make sure your insurance was still the same.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna need to make some calls.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: But that's what happens as you get older.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: All your conversations change.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: When you're in your 20s and 30s, you talk about girls and fast cars and movies and stuff.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then you get to 40, 50, you start talking about politics and sports.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Then you get to my age of 65 and older, and all your conversations are about medical issues going on with you.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care how a conversation starts, it'll somehow come around to somebody's colonoscopy.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yeah, our grandson's playing soccer now.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, did I tell you about when the doctor had me in that room there for a little bit?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then everybody piles in.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I hate that.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: All that's all my friends and I talk about anymore is how many pills were taken, what pills are we taking, what did the doctor say you could or couldn't eat, and God forbid somebody gets rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Then we become like witnesses at the Amber Frial Johnny Depp trial.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're just like well, then what do you say?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: What do you say?
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know what's next.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be you, so you want to be ready, right?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: They we have a friend who's a little bit older than us, and he swears he had a heart attack, but he didn't.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: But we keep asking about it because it's so fun to hear him tell the story.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because he becomes like a war hero in a Ken Burns documentary.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: It was Tuesday 0700.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had just driven through the Hardy's drive-thru, got a bacon, egg, and chase biscuit when my heart was under attack.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: I reached for my cell phone, but I knew communications to my left arm had been cut off, and I knew that the nearest hospital was seven clicks away.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when the panic set in.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I remember screaming, You're not taking me, Charlie.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Then he asked his wife, say, How was Joe's heart attack?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, he didn't have a heart attack.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: He gets gas every time he goes to Hardy's.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Then he calls me screaming, I'm dying, I'm dying.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time I get home from the Walmart, he's asleep on the couch.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And we're all like, so?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: But that's what happens as you get older, man.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh my God.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is how bad it's gotten.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: This happened today.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: I had to put my glasses on to help me get my contact lenses in.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: I've made a new rule that when I go play golf, I don't take my cell phone with me.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, I'll get home and Gail will go.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: I try calling you, I go, Did you hear it ringing in the house?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: That would be, I'm not here.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the addiction is.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hate knowing that.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And we we all are away.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever lost your cell phone?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a family member passed away.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: People bring over casseroles or so sorry.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are you maybe you should wait a little bit before you get a new one?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, just deal with this one first.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's insane what we do.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever done this?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: This one I knew I was.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're sitting in your favorite chair.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your cell phone sitting right there.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: It don't ring, buzz, chirp, nothing.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And you catch yourself doing this?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: What are we looking for?
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: We'd have heard it ring.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be willing to bet you a significant amount of cash that before cell phones, not once.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Did you ever walk over to the wall phone and go?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Still got a down tone.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're good.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: They've got us, they got us, man.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I know where my hatred of cell phones comes from.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's two incidents.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: One, a buddy of mine got into my phone.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how he did that, but he got in my phone and he changed my autocorrect.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: So every time I would type the letter I, it came up Big Billy.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: So if I text you and said, hey, can I stop by your house later?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: It came out, hey, can Big Billy stop by your house later?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then you'd read it and go, What a jackass.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Who calls himself Big Billy?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'd see it and text you back and go, look, I don't really call myself Big Billy, but then that came out, look, Big Billy running and called himself Big Billy.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't get it off my phone.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: I had to go to a phone store and have a 17-year-old kid fix my phone.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, while he's fixing my phone, I'm telling him the story.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Well, I can help you get back at your buddy.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'm all ears.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Can you get in his phone?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Oh yeah.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: I said, everybody gets in his phone.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's an idiot.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: He tells everybody his code, and I'll tell y'all.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's 2337.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you look at it, it spells out beer.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's so proud of that.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now don't think for one second there's not somebody in this theater going, you know what, that's not too damn bad, actually.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: So he said, Look, I can teach you how to change his auto signature on his emails.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, done.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: So he showed me what to do.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: One day me and my buddy were out playing golf, and he went to hit his ball, and I grabbed his phone and I got in there and I changed his auto signature on his emails from Joe Smith to while seated on the toilet.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, about a week went by.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: I got a text that said, Hey Jackass.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Not everybody's a paid comedian.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: He said, in case you've forgotten, I'm a financial advisor.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I have people's retirement funds in my hand.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't really see the humor.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: When I send them an email saying, hey, you just went over your portfolio.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well seated on the toilet.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I texted him back and said, Well, Big Billy apologizes.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: The other one, and this one was awkward.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Gail and I were getting new cell phones, and I said, Baby, you're gonna have to set these up because I'll screw it up.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No worry, I got it.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: So she's setting up our new phones.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: But when she got to the contact information, instead of putting my name, Bill Ingval, she put my lover.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: She thought it'd be cute that when I called, she'd go, look, my lover's calling.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what I didn't know is that when you forward that contact information to someone, that don't change.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: So what happened was we were getting ready to sell our house, and we discovered there was some mold in the crawl space of the basement.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: So Gail said, Look, I found this mold guy, you deal with him.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, done.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm all over it.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I called the mole guy.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: He comes out, sprays the basement.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we sold the house, and the couple that bought the house discovered there was still some mold in the crawl space of our basement.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I called the mole guy back.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: But what I don't realize is he's left his phone at the golf club he belongs to.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess the manager found Sam's phone and realized it was Sam's, put it in his coat pocket, figuring Sam would get down the road apiece, realized he'd left his phone, come back and get it.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who chooses at that proper moment to call but me?
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: His lover.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Who's Phyllis?
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Big pal.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, I'm somewhere and he said, I just assume this was Sam's woman.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Oh, I didn't even know he had a woman.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: But when he gets worse, I said, he's just a fellow who services me.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: This guy is so flustered, he can't even put his tennis together.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um would you like to leave him in?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what says my lover on the phone.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, yeah, just tell him I need him back in my cross place and he gonna say me.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Sam knew what it meant.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: But the club manager had no idea, and poor Sam had a lot of explaining to do.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's like where we live now, uh, there's this little golf course, and uh it's just it's 18 holes, and nobody rides cars, they all walk.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's up in the mountains, it's deer and elk, everything's beautiful.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: And and and they have a little golf league, and we join that.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: And but on the 12th T-box of this golf course, there's a sign that says, Caution, aggressive goose give wide birth.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the truth, y'all.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: There is a goose that when you're walking down the fairway, he comes up off the pond and chases people off the fairway.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Do you remember the kid?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: He's like that grouchy old get off my yard guy when you were a kid.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one day we were playing in a little golf on that he had, and we were we walk up on that 12th T-box, and I looked at that sign, and something just hit me wrong.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Gail, read that sign.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, caution, aggressive goose, give wide birth.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: What it's been here since we joined.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: I go, this is what is wrong with America.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, What?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: I go, this is what's wrong with America.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: We're rewarding this goose for his bad behavior, which is what we do now.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: We don't punish people, we reward people for being a jackass, and this is what we're doing with this goose.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Could you let this go, Lady Liberty?
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, No, I can't let it go because this is not about me.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is about America.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you got to do things you don't want to do.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Whatever.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we hit our tea shots and we're walking down the fairway.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: We got our golf bags on our shoulders, and sure enough, here come that goose.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: And he got up in that fairway and he looked me in the eye and he went, and I looked at him and I went, and I swear I saw him go, all right, let's do this.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: And he stopped and went, and I went, and then he started running at me, which I gotta be honest with you, I wasn't really ready for that.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because I remember thinking, oh my god, I'm gonna have to kick this goose.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is for America.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you gotta do stuff you don't want to do.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I said, All right, feather buddy, let's do this.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was good at kickball, I'll be damn good at kick goose.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm about to waylay this goose, and then he starts flying right from my face, which I really wasn't ready for.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm leaning back, like, what the hell is he?
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: And they dive bomb.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've had my clubs pull me on the ground, he dive bombing, he's like, he's on my face, like pecking and slapping his wings.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Damn, get him off me! He goes, I can't, I'm being my pants.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I won't be able to see it because it's like how the gooses popping my eyes out.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wrestling a freaking bird.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've got him by the neck, we're rolling around on the ground, he craps all over my new glove shirt.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: He's walking him.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: I finally threw him off me and he ran into the pond, and from behind me on the T-Box, I heard.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: You did it for America, Bill.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here's another one.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, when my son was, I don't know, five or six years old, I give him a pocket knife for his birthday.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was just a little Swiss army knife, it wasn't anything big.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and any guy in this room will tell you that when your daddy gives you a pocket knife for your birthday, that's more than a gift.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's a rite of passage.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: You've moved from boyhood to manhood.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, it was just a little Swiss army knife.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: He was having a great well, everything was fine.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Till one day Gail's looking out the kitchen window and she sees our boy and his best friend jumping up and down the trampoline, and my son's got the knife blade out.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, No, no, no.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta take that away.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: I said, No, you can't take it away.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a rite of passage, it'll break his heart.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, you better do something, because I'm not calling that other kid's mom telling him he got stabbed because we let him jump up and down the trampoline with a knife.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, All right, I got it.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I walk out there and I say, Hey, buddy, I said, I got an idea.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: I go, can I just see your knife?
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because I thought, here's what I'll do.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take his knife, I'll go out in the garage, I'll cut the blade of the knife off, give him the rest of the knife back.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: He don't care, he's five years old.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever tried to cut the blade off a knife?
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, for those of you who have not, let me tell you something.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's like made of steel.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in the garage with pliers aren't working, wire steps aren't working.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: I go, I need a pair of bolt cutters.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I put the knife in my pocket, drove over to the Home Depot to get a pair of bolt cutters.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: But they want 50 bucks a pair.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think that's a little overpriced.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I only need it for one job.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: I know what I'll do.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just borrow their bolt cutters, I'll slip off behind the lumber section there, snip that blade off that knife, put the bolt cutters back, give my son his knife back, everybody's happy.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in the corner of the Home Depot hiding behind a plywood with a pair of basically stolen bolt cutters, and I'm squeezing on the blade of that knife and I'm squeezing, I'm squeezing.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: I heard dink, and I went, ow, got! And I look, and the blade has flown into my shoulder, my shirt is soaking with blood.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what the hell?
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't pull the blade out.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen those TV shows.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, where a guy's got a knife sticking at him, he's just fine, so some jackass pulls the blade out and then he bleeds out right there.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: And let's face it, it's not like I can go to the Home Depot manager and go, hey, dude, I gave my son a pocket knife for his birthday, and you know that's like a ride of passage.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: But my wife saw him jumping up and down the trampoline with a knife blade out.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, apparently that's a button push with her, said you gotta take it away.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: I said, You can't take it away, it's like a ride of passage.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Well, you better do something, because I'm not gonna call that other boy's mom and tell him he got stabbed because we let him jump up and down the trampling with a knife blade out.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I went in the garage, I tried pliers, they didn't work, right?
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like made of steel, so I thought I went to Home Depot to get a pair of bolt cutters.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: They want 50 bucks a pair.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's a little overpriced, don't you?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I just want to borrow your bolt cutters.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to buy the whole damn house.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, I went behind the lumber sector with a pair of basic stolen bolt cutters, squeezed the blade off that knife, but it stuck me in the shoulder.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I can't say that.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: My wife will never be a tutor.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: She does not have the patience for it.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: This would be a typical conversation between me and her.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: Baby, I don't understand how they got the answer to that math problem.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, how can I make it any easier?
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's right there in front of you in black and white.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, I don't care if it's on pink, paper, with blue polka dots.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how they got that answer.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, what do you want me to do?
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: I go, tell me how they got the answer.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Well, then that'd be cheating, and you haven't really learned anything because it's just me doing the math problem, in it.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we deal with this?
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Here's how we deal with it.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're fired.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got a real tutor and he got me through it.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: But here was my question: I was getting a Christian studies major.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Why does a Christian studies major even need a math class?
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: All I need to know is there were 12 apostles, 10 commandments, he spent three days in a grave.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: Boom, aced.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I did the whole thing online for two reasons.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: One, because I was still touring, but two, I didn't want the other kids to know how old I was.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I think I might have blown that when I would ask questions, like, what's TikTok?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: To me, it's sound o'clock makes.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I know.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, so what would happen is the professor would email us a problem, we do the problem, then email it back to him.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: One night I got this problem.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: It said, Can you solve for X?
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I wrote back, Maybe.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you can solve for Y, as in why the hell do I need to know this mess?
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: When I finally knew I was gonna pass the class, I called the professor in his office.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I've been wanting to ask you something since I'd started this class.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: He said, What's that?
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Well, my time on this planet's up.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I go to meet St.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: Peter.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Is he gonna give me a math problem to do?
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Probably not.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, So you're telling me then that this university has a stricter admissions policy than heaven does.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't find that too funny.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: But to show you what an idiot I am, the while I was still enrolled in college, the college classes, uh, one night Gail and I were lying in bed, and I rolled over to her and I said, Well, I guess you can tell your friends that you're sleeping with a college boy now.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, you know what, that's gross.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that right there, my friends, is the difference between men and women.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a lot of reasons why at my age I would not sleep with a college girl.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I can tell you for a fact that gross ain't one of them.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the best thing about taking classes as an adult, if you fail a test, your thought is, hell, I got a job.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: Tell you what I should have done, should have taken a class in cell phones and technology.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: God.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am so far behind the A-ball on this.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: I I know now what my dad felt like when VCRs first came out.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: When he would do it, wouldn't your parents do that?
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just stare at it like, what's that blinking red light?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's the time.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: You have to set the time.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't get it.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's me now, I'm telling you all the time.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like like a buddy of mine called me.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: We had I I was in this football pool, and he was ahead of it, and he said, I'm gonna Venmo you your money.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What?
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell's Venmo?
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, That's how I'm gonna send you your money.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: I go, You might as well burn it because I have no idea how to get it.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't I don't understand this stuff.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: The only technology that I really like, and it's amazing to me, is Uber.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's insane, it's magical.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: I could be anywhere in the world.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: I can call my wife.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: Ten minutes later, a car picks me up and takes me to where I want to go, and the guy doesn't ask me for money.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: And now what they oh my god, here's the other one.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is the other one that drives me crazy.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: The all these acronyms are using now, like uh, you know, like the nobody talks anymore.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's all in these, like, like I know what LOL and FYI is, but like other than that, I'm out.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you're under 50 years old and you're texting me, there's a real good chance I have no idea what you're talking about.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: I texted with my daughter for three years before I realized that IDK meant I don't know.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was short for stupid.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I would text her and say, Hey, miss you when you coming home.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: She, but IDK.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, stay on it.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if you think I'm stupid, I don't give a damn.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I she would I would say, We miss you, baby, when you coming back, and she would type IDK, M U and the number two.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I to move.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, yeah, what the hell is she saying?
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: She's saying, I don't know, but I miss you too.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that was so sweet, and I wish I'd have known that before I wrote her out of the will.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: Should have taken a class in cell phones and technology.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: God.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: I am so far behind the A ball on this.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: I I know now what my dad felt like when VCRs first came out.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: When he would do it, would your parents do that?
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Just stare at it like, what's that blinking red light?
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's the time.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: You have to set the time.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't get it.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's me now, I'm telling you all the time.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like like a buddy of mine called me.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_00: We had I I was in this football pool, and he was ahead of it, and he said, I'm gonna Venmo you your money.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What?
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell's Venmo?
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, That's how I'm gonna send you your money.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: I go, You might as well burn it because I have no idea how to get it.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't I don't understand this stuff.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: The only technology that I really like, and it's amazing to me, is Uber.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's insane, it's magical.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: I could be anywhere in the world.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: I can call my wife.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: Ten minutes later, a car picks me up and takes me to where I want to go, and the guy doesn't ask me for money.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: And now what they oh my god, here's the other one.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is the other one that drives me crazy.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: The all these the what uh acronyms are using now, like uh, you know, like the nobody talks anymore.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's all in these, like, like I know what LOL and FYI is, but like other than that, I'm out.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: If you're under 50 years old and you're texting me, there's a real good chance I have no idea what you're talking about.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: I texted with my daughter for three years before I realized that IDK meant I don't know.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was short for stupid.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I would text her and say, Hey, miss you when you're coming home.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: She, but IDK.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, stay on it.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if you think I'm stupid, I don't give a damn.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I she would I would say, We miss you, baby, when you're coming back, and she would type IDK, M U and the number two.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I to move.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, yeah, what the hell is she saying?
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's saying, I don't know, but I miss you too.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that was so sweet, and I wish I'd have known that before I wrote her out of the will.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: I hate him.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: I had a buddy that was at the World Series game.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: He texted me and said, his text said W-I-W-H.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I rode back, What?
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Wish you were here.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Yeah, me too, so I could smack you in the back of the head.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_00: Talk like a damn adult.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: They say, Oh, it saves time.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: No, it doesn't, because it cost me double the time trying to figure out what the hell you're saying.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: The only one other one I know is is WTF.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_00: The uh and I think we all know that one.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: But sadly, that's how all my text is, I don't know what WTF you're talking about.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: Goodbye.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: And cell phones.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: I would you know what you know what'll be a dream for me?
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is if we could all walk in mass down to the Great Salt Lake and you all could watch me just chunk that cell phone in the water.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hate these things.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hate them, and I'm gonna show my remember the old days?
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they were so much fun.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: Remember answering machines?
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you come in, the light wasn't flashing, you didn't have friends, you didn't care.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or remember you'd call somebody, they didn't answer, you go, I'll call them back later on today.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: Nowadays we gotta know where everybody is 24 hours a day.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: It drives me nuts.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: I got a buddy, maybe you got a friend like this.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: I could be sitting on the toilet, and I'll hear his ringtone go off, and I go, I'll call him back later.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as the phone stops ringing, my phone goes bing! And it's him texting me saying, Don't you hear me calling you?
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do you got a friend like that?
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, do what I did next time.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_00: Send him a picture of you sitting on the crapper.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: And type, still want to chat?
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: WTF.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I hate these things.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: But they've got us, they've got us, gang.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: We're all hooked.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: As my granddad used to say, the toothpaste is out of the tube, we can't go back.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's it's insanity.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've made a new rule that when I go play golf, I don't take my cell phone with me.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, I'll get home and Gail will go.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: I try calling you, I go, Did you hear it ringing in the house?
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: That would be, I'm not here.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the addiction is.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: I hate knowing that.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: And we we all are away.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever lost your cell phone?
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a family member passed away.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: People bring over casseroles, they're so sorry.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are you maybe you should wait a little bit before you get a new one?
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, just deal with this one first.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's insane what we do.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever done this?
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: This one I knew I was you're sitting in your favorite chair.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: Cell phone sitting right there.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: It don't ring, buzz, chirp, nothing.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you catch yourself doing this?
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: What are we looking for?
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: We'd have heard it ring.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be willing to bet you a significant amount of cash that before cell phones, not once.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: Did you ever walk over to the wall phone and go?
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, still got a down tone.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: We're good.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: They've got us, they got us, man.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I know where my hatred of cell phones comes from.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's two incidents.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: One, a buddy of mine got into my phone.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how he did that, but he got in my phone and he changed my autocorrect.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: So every time I would type the letter I, it came up Big Billy.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if I text you and said, hey, can I stop by your house later?
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: It came out, hey, can Big Billy stop by your house later?
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then you'd read it and go, What a jackass.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: Who calls himself Big Billy?
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'd see it and text you back and go, look, I don't really call myself Big Billy, but then that came out, look, Big Billy running and called himself Big Billy.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't get it off my phone.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had to go to a phone store and have a 17-year-old kid fix my phone.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, while he's fixing my phone, I'm telling him the story.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: And he goes, Well, I can help you get back at your buddy.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I'm all ears.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Can you get in his phone?
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Oh yeah.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: I said, everybody gets in his phone.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: He's an idiot.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: He tells everybody his code, and I'll tell y'all.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's 2337.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you look at it, it spells out beer.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now don't think for one second there's not somebody in this theater going, you know what, that's not too damn bad, actually.