Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Jorge Segura - Back to Oklahoma

Transcript

Jorge Segura - Back to Oklahoma · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, thank you. How about how you are
• 0:30
  well, but either or in general there are differences. Uh, no,
• 0:35
  it' s not the same. Not well, well, that' s
• 0:37
  what I' m fucking about. Well in general it' s basically fine,
• 0:39
  but there are things that piss me off that I don' t feel
• 0:41
  like commenting on right now. You don' t have to come. In
• 0:43
  general, don' t eey look there it is. I' m fine
• 0:47
  too in general It' s worth what' s going on, it'
• 0:53
  s just that it doesn' t matter what my story is. I don
• 0:53
  ' t care if I hurt my back. I said it, already,
• 0:55
  I pulled it out of the back. No, but it' s something
• 0:59
  that' s gotten worse and even recently they gave me these curved sole sneakers
• 1:03
  to try and fix me. My back, you know, and my back,
• 1:07
  they left it the same way, but they screwed up my social life.
• 1:08
  You know what I mean. Every step I take is like an event,
• 1:12
  it' s like man' s first step on the moon. Go
• 1:15
  is that I can not stay five minutes still in a place because they throw
• 1:19
  me for drunk, but I can not find my center of gravity. You
• 1:23
  know, and my back' s left me the same. So then I
• 1:26
  tell myself this happens to me alone and I start investigating. I say this
• 1:30
  happens to everyone. I mean, everybody' s back hurts, that'
• 1:33
  s right. There' s no one I know, someone I know,
• 1:34
  someone I know, someone I know who' s believed in, uh,
• 1:38
  no, no, everybody' s got a backache, or it' s
• 1:42
  hurt or it' s gonna hurt. Is that so? Is that so?
• 1:44
  Sometimes I wonder if maybe the sapiens back didn' t rush to get
• 1:48
  on two legs, not maybe, we weren' t ready, not maybe.
• 1:52
  It was an act of isolated pimping, not one day of one of
• 1:56
  them who said to see I' m going to try his might hurt ah
• 2:04
  but I' m the fucking master or and everyone, as I also want,
• 2:07
  I want to and everyone getting away there, everyone has stood for centuries
• 2:10
  with their backs fucked by pride, nothing but pride and not yet a new
• 2:15
  sapia with enough personality to say look at you go as you want or back.
• 2:22
  The first thing hasn' t happened. There hasn' t been,
• 2:35
  thank you so many centuries of evolution at all. We' re supposed to
• 2:38
  only use ten percent of our mental ability. You have understood our mental capacity.
• 2:42
  You' ve heard each other age once. Yeah, it' s
• 2:45
  not that tip from that typical tip that' s Dice I don' t
• 2:47
  know how it got there, but there it is. No, I mean,
• 2:49
  it' s that kind of thing that they say that if all the
• 2:52
  Chinese jumped at once, the whole world would freak out alive, because it
• 2:55
  would be ridiculous to think about it, to weigh it. I mean,
• 2:57
  imagine he' s playing you there like two gums, a soda you make.
• 3:01
  They know where he' s going, it' s time. Ten
• 3:14
  percent, ten percent, Sab ten percent equal. It' s not much,
• 3:17
  but I had already assumed it. I haven' t heard it and
• 3:21
  I' ve been hearing it for so long that I' ve assumed it.
• 3:22
  But recently I saw an American film in original version and one guy tells
• 3:25
  another you know that human beings only use fifteen percent of their mental capacity and
• 3:29
  the other says clearly. Everyone knows and I stay And so I say when
• 3:32
  this has gone up. I mean, I haven' t seen any news,
• 3:36
  I haven' t seen anything come out on TV. Fifteen percent is
• 3:40
  in America maybe. When he then translates the fight into Spanish to bring it
• 3:45
  to Spain, he also changes the data so that we don' t suspect
• 3:47
  anything. No, I mean maybe. There is a worldwide secret ranking of
• 3:51
  the average coefficients of each country. And I believe in a lot of insecurity
• 3:53
  because I want to know where I am. Not here in Spain do I
• 3:55
  see a lot of people around me who don' t even reach ten percent.
• 3:59
  You see that. We see that, too. No. He sees
• 4:01
  it on the street, on the TV tomras go further from the family,
• 4:04
  he also sees no eh, because we will not shut up, not in
• 4:08
  the family. It was that call, that call you got to see well
• 4:11
  you' re talking to me, I mean, yeah, you wouldn'
• 4:15
  t be talking to the coroner maybe, it wasn' t. There aren
• 4:18
  ' t people who don' t get ten percent who see every side on
• 4:20
  TV. You see a lot of this. I recently watched a successful TV
• 4:24
  show by Carlos Sobra, not the one by Attrapa a doll, no,
• 4:27
  and there he was with the I don' t keep the names and he
• 4:30
  was running an old lady, not his daughter, an adult woman. No.
• 4:35
  And the last question with all the dough on the table. It was
• 4:38
  the next one I swear to you, that' s how the three little
• 4:44
  pigs were brothers and you see Mr Mayor, who gets super nervous about the
• 4:46
  tests. I' m all this jokes and the other story, like Mom
• 4:47
  said, all my life or this little piggy, brother, what are you
• 4:49
  thinking. The other one turns around and you tell her if I already know
• 4:53
  in the story yes, but in real life I don' t know.
• 4:57
  These people exist and live among us. I don' t want to alarm
• 5:02
  you, and you' ll be wondering there' s a limit where you
• 5:08
  ' re no longer extremely naive and officially stupid. There is that limit.
• 5:10
  It exists. I' ve lived on that limit all my life. I
• 5:14
  ' ve been the naïvest person in the world, but far away or small.
• 5:17
  He was the naïvest person in the world. I' m really small.
• 5:21
  I saw a black man standing in the shade and thinking if man now
• 5:25
  you' re going to put yourself in the shade. This is expected.
• 5:32
  If I know this short, it' s irreversible. But it was by
• 5:43
  naivety, by naivety and don' t think that with age and new technologies
• 5:45
  I also screw up. I' m a Facebook member recently, no wow
• 5:50
  and good to me the whole part. I' m not used to language
• 5:54
  yet. A few weeks ago a friend put on his wall. I'
• 5:56
  m at my grandfather' s funeral and I' ll say I like it,
• 6:00
  but to see there were, like, eight hundred and picky comments.
• 6:02
  I' ve been trampled on three times, you know, I' m
• 6:05
  saying there' s no sorry button, either, because I like it,
• 6:08
  I' m sorry for comment, but there isn' t. There isn
• 6:09
  ' t. So I say come on it goes in a way of support
• 6:11
  and as you say it, I like it as support. No, but
• 6:13
  it' s true that then I see it written and it puts Jorge sure
• 6:15
  likes your condition and already when I see the symbol, I say this is
• 6:18
  going to tick him off, I' m going to remove him, he
• 6:20
  ' s going to remove him before he sees him, and the only way
• 6:27
  to remove him was to put him no longer likes me and he already creates
• 6:29
  me a second dilemma, because I say if I give him there now,
• 6:30
  I don' t like him. The guy I' m gonna see reflected.
• 6:31
  You can perfectly interpret that I' ve only enjoyed the news within five
• 6:34
  minutes. It' s not that either. But why do I get involved,
• 6:38
  why do I get involved in these things, and that' s because
• 6:40
  I like to give it helmet, you know I' ve got addicted to
• 6:43
  giving it I like to get fucked, I like it. I love the
• 6:45
  concept, I like it. I actually took the concept. I like real
• 6:47
  life. I like to get you likes in real life is much more satisfying.
• 6:53
  You have to prove it. What I do I choose, for example,
• 6:56
  the car and I come to the center, not and I turn around
• 7:00
  as long as it takes until you shit. When I leave you shitting,
• 7:02
  I stay in the car and wait every time a car passes by and tells
• 7:05
  me songs, for me it' s a I like the other day a
• 7:11
  place that you shit like in twenty minutes, about seventy I like. It
• 7:14
  ' s an asshole' s comment. I don' t like that bastard
• 7:15
  ' s comment, I mean in 20 minutes you know it' s true
• 7:19
  that I forced it a little bit. That' s right, I set
• 7:21
  him up a little bit because when he started going down, I put the
• 7:24
  backlights in to encourage a little bit more. But, well, I already
• 7:34
  have Facebook. At least I' m already a normal person, because before
• 7:38
  I mean, I made that Facebook because of social pressure because I didn'
• 7:41
  t have Facebook. I was happy, but people told me what your Facebook
• 7:44
  is and or I don' t have Facebook and you don' t have
• 7:46
  Facebook. I can touch you and it was very uncomfortable for me. So
• 7:50
  I already said ah I' m going to do Facebook email and just like
• 7:54
  I have for a few months. You know, to disguise and be more
• 7:56
  integrated. When they ask me now you have Facebook, I say clearly not
• 8:01
  stop. But I got caught every day. I got caught because they told
• 8:03
  me you have Facebook and eight clear says what your Twitter is. I say
• 8:07
  shit ah shit. Ah because a little bit here unfair in life. Oh,
• 8:11
  oh, shit here. I don' t have to get any validation
• 8:15
  from Facebook. I have to start a new zero subject for the same thing.
• 8:18
  But shit here. This is it already from the start. You have
• 8:20
  to learn too much English to use Twitter. It' s all in English.
• 8:24
  It was tweet Radwint reply from thirtying topicg hashtag. What the fuck is
• 8:31
  hashtag. Sounds funny in German. I don' t know what it is
• 8:43
  until, but everyone here uses Twitter or a single that creates me a complex
• 8:46
  that you stay. If then I think about it and say clearly if it
• 8:48
  is normal that everyone here tells you Twitter with that ease, because everyone knows
• 8:50
  that in Spain English is no barrier to anyone. We know that. I
• 8:58
  ' m not saying the barrier doesn' t exist. I say who can
• 9:00
  ' t jump her naughtyly. It' s true. The level of English
• 9:05
  in Spain is quite high. If we let ourselves be trusted by the official
• 9:11
  data, that is, what everyone puts in their résumé. If we trust
• 9:15
  those dants, the lowest level of English in Spain is advanced intermediate. There
• 9:18
  ' s no one under that you know less than that you don' t
• 9:22
  put anything, but know what you know you already put advanced intermediate. What
• 9:24
  do you know? I guess I' ll call you later, bye-
• 9:26
  bye That' s it. Hello, intermediate, because it' s advanced,
• 9:28
  it' s already in the middle, smiles. Everything you can is
• 9:30
  already there and everyone gets in the car of the advanced intermission. I have
• 9:39
  a friend who is one of these advanced midwayers, but from the bottom of
• 9:43
  the board, i e, she has no fucking idea of English, but
• 9:46
  they ask her for perfect English for a job and they ask her for the
• 9:52
  resume in English and she' s sticking the blanket to her head, as
• 9:56
  she says of twel you have and she does and she tells me I can
• 10:00
  teach you before and I say please, and she shows me no and she
• 10:03
  gave him Nain. Susana says well, we' re fine andres and she
• 10:09
  says boy Ling Albert fifty- two. I say this is Susana. Alberto
• 10:13
  tells me to cook fifty- two. It doesn' t translate the address.
• 10:20
  They' re not going to give you any more together for that and
• 10:22
  he says it' s been hard for me to find out about it all
• 10:24
  afternoon. But it' s just that, of course, English seemed more
• 10:28
  important to me when I was little, when I went through that time I
• 10:33
  don' t know if we all went through that time. But for that
• 10:35
  reason, the typical time when I was convinced that I would become a rock
• 10:37
  and roll star, not a rock and roll star. No. Yes,
• 10:41
  it' s true that over time, as I made the decision of good,
• 10:46
  I say a rock and roll hi star, but in moderation. I
• 10:50
  didn' t want to become one more rock and roll victim, because then
• 10:52
  what happens happens and I don' t get it. I was very struck
• 10:56
  by the case last summer of Amy Wayne Remember, Amy Winehouse' s case
• 11:01
  to Amalia VI Nacoteca, you remember that if you remember it was a chronicle
• 11:07
  of an announced death. I mean, people would go to the concerts to
• 11:13
  see if in that you know it was a thing already with a lot of
• 11:18
  morbid and such, but everyone expected it. But the reaction when he really
• 11:22
  died. It caught my attention because the general reaction was such a shame what
• 11:28
  happened to this girl. And I say well, I don' t know.
• 11:35
  I don' t know how I know if you take another example maybe.
• 11:41
  Marisa Fernández, a regular woman who wakes up every morning at seven in
• 11:43
  the morning. She eats raw vegetables, runs for two hours, she doesn
• 11:46
  ' t smoke, she doesn' t smoke babies, she takes care that
• 11:50
  you shit one day, she leaves her house in the morning, gets run
• 11:52
  over by a crazy truck driver and kills her. You' re saying yes,
• 11:54
  that' s too bad. Marisa Fernández was working on it, she
• 11:58
  was betting hard on life. But if you remember the case of Damy Winehous,
• 12:13
  it has nothing to do with Marisas Fernández. It is the pole opposed
• 12:16
  to Marisa Fernández when death went to look for Amy Winehouse. It' s
• 12:20
  because death already had about 15, 000 missed calls from Amy waine house and
• 12:26
  already showed up at her house told her what, and the other one died
• 12:30
  of fright. That' s my version. In the end. I'
• 12:41
  m not the rock and roll star, but I don' t care because
• 12:43
  I' m funny and I like to be funny why, because I like
• 12:46
  to talk and it matches what I have to do and cool isn' t
• 12:48
  always like that. There goes we all know that there are jobs where someone
• 12:50
  has to talk doesn' t feel like it and that person has a bad
• 12:54
  time and those who have to listen to him, that he' s not
• 12:56
  to blame for anything, not to say operator, cashiers. There are many
• 12:58
  examples, no, but the most violent example for me is airplane pilots.
• 13:03
  They' re the people who least want to talk to you about the world
• 13:07
  seriously. They pass you on to such a mess, such that they say
• 13:11
  that if you listen to the entire pilot' s spree, it takes five
• 13:16
  years of life expectancy because it takes it directly from your soul. No,
• 13:18
  I mean, it' s just horror if you' re in there quietly
• 13:22
  on the ship and suddenly listen. Oh, you don' t know that
• 13:28
  commandos. We are soluating at an approximate height about twenty- six zero feet
• 13:39
  are from up pi down. It' s not that exact either, and
• 13:43
  the outside temperature is about eight as far as I know, at least twenty
• 13:52
  - four hours. I don' t think you' ve earned it already,
• 14:01
  but I' m not excited about the opposite extreme either, people who
• 14:05
  like their voice so much that they fall in love with their voice by talking
• 14:09
  about the mic and in the end they end up doing something very empathetic.
• 14:09
  We' ve all heard those nocturnal radio shows, not from hi bimes to
• 14:13
  my little show how about telling me. Cositas say if you listen to those
• 14:20
  programs with earphones, you' ll get tarnished. I went inside, you
• 14:22
  have to be careful. Then it' s hard to dry. Anyway,
• 14:28
  I really like to be funny, because it gives the opportunity to someone like
• 14:33
  me not because from time to time I can go down to the plain town
• 14:37
  and communicate with the plebe, with the mob, with you, not before
• 14:41
  I go back to my forest castle to eat a deer. That' s
• 14:46
  my Disney projection. It' s like I see some of myself according to
• 14:48
  Disney, and if there' s one thing I' d like to be
• 15:01
  able to convey to you, it' s really not ever. Never hesitate
• 15:03
  to ask something you don' t know, because it' s the only
• 15:07
  way to learn not by asking. Sometimes he gives you a cut, sometimes
• 15:11
  he gives you a stick. You don' t have to ask if you
• 15:13
  don' t know, because it' s the only way to learn if,
• 15:18
  all of a sudden, you might ask something and it' s kind
• 15:22
  of out of context and people look at you a little weird. You say
• 15:22
  no, it' s just that I' m very spontaneous and you know
• 15:26
  why that' s admitted. No, and if they say already, but
• 15:28
  it' s very spontaneous, but it just doesn' t make sense what
• 15:31
  you asked, you say it' s not that I think very fast.
• 15:33
  Then my mind piles up and I look like an asshole to you. That
• 15:37
  ' s it, that' s all right. Is that accepted? That
• 15:39
  ' s accepted, it' s okay, but seriously, don' t
• 15:43
  hesitate to ask anything. Not many people ask me hear in the spirits,
• 15:46
  whenever they manifest, they speak the language with the accent of the person who
• 15:50
  is listening to them, for this I can answer. It' s not
• 15:58
  like that. It' s not like that. Although Nino has not been
• 15:58
  seen to say, I think he has said something in Polish. No,
• 16:02
  I mean, it' s never been seen. But I had the chance,
• 16:04
  when I changed my house, to live in a house that had Mexican
• 16:08
  spirits and you say Ajoona, I can' t tell you. I don
• 16:15
  ' t know how to tell you,' cause I came in at night,
• 16:18
  he would cover me like that with the blanket. She wouldn' t
• 16:19
  snuggle and suddenly listen to the bottom of the hall. I heard Mom,
• 16:26
  you fucking asshole egg that I killed no more I didn' t just freak
• 16:33
  out no. In the end I would always get up to my raft and
• 16:37
  end up singing rancheras until eight in the morning. This really freaks me out.
• 16:52
  Don' t cut yourself when it comes to asking what you don'
• 16:53
  t know. Sometimes you can' t cut off the fact that an uncomfortable
• 16:56
  question appears whatever it is. Do the same. I then ask no.
• 17:02
  The taints will sleep better on the side. I think and if so,
• 17:07
  which side, because maybe we' re taking it for granted, things that
• 17:10
  aren' t. I know what you' re thinking. I' d
• 17:14
  sleep on the side of the stump, too. I find it more comfortable
• 17:18
  and more practical. It' s a little noise today, too. You
• 17:18
  put the goat' s foot on your face. It' s okay.
• 17:30
  It' s okay. I have so many manly friends from here a very
• 17:34
  strong kiss for everyone and a half hug and good to say goodbye. I
• 17:42
  ' ve always looked for a phrase that was a pass, no, but
• 17:47
  I' ve never found any that would come up with me. Then I
• 17:48
  have to go to the appointment. Don' t quote those people you admire
• 17:53
  and then I' ll go to. In conclusion, I would like to
• 17:56
  quote one of the great thinkers of our centuries need some pitis ramon Maybe he
• 18:00
  knew one or not there I go with a pitis ramon quote. It says
• 18:07
  where you' re going be careful it' s all right. I catch
• 18:11
  dangerous people. Thank you, everyone, whatever they want isn' t there.
• 18:33
  I' d like to make another appointment one more. This time of
• 18:38
  a great philosopher of our time. I don' t know if anyone ever
• 18:45
  heard of the Jesse a girl who appeared on a show called Barrio Princesses.
• 18:52
  It was a reality show so I wouldn' t see it. It was
• 18:53
  a reality show where four chicks were followed by polygon chonis, not eye-
• 18:59
  catching girls. Towards the end and good was therefore the marten, the paky,
• 19:03
  the rag and the jess. Not if you all notice the noble title
• 19:07
  in front of you to distinguish them from the rest of the mob. I
• 19:11
  fell in love with the Jesse. I fell in love with the Jesse because
• 19:15
  she was very spontaneous. She was one of those with a lot of ideas
• 19:17
  on her head and then dropped a lot of jewelry, girls wisdom jewelry throughout
• 19:23
  the program. But there' s one in particular that I loved, that
• 19:26
  was in a chapter where the Jesi and her friend don' t know what
• 19:30
  they' re getting out of work. All seen throw away the work and
• 19:34
  are at the door of work, speaking ill of the workers, of the
• 19:37
  boss of everything and every time warming up more until in the end super outraged.
• 19:41
  Jesse tells her friend she' s telling her Let' s go She
• 19:48
  ' s a gerund. You have to love Jessica. I want my epitaph
• 20:02
  to piss that it' s gerund to throw away the rock and honor the
• 20:07
  Jesse. The truth is, I loved it, and I had the best
• 20:11
  of luck. I had the great luck that, after having watched the whole
• 20:12
  series and having met and soaked myself watching and all the princesses of the neighborhood,
• 20:17
  I managed to meet one live, but not one of the series,
• 20:19
  but an authentic street one. Susi hers I fell in love right away.
• 20:26
  As soon as she met her, she left her boyfriend and the typical courtesy
• 20:30
  question and how you carry it and tells me there are many birds in the
• 20:37
  sea, I say they are called seagulls. No. You change the subject
• 20:44
  and I say good. Don' t worry. Tonight we go out like
• 20:47
  this, have a few drinks and forget the sorrows. No, and this
• 20:49
  on Facebook tells me no. No. I' m not going out tonight
• 20:52
  and I' m saying why. He tells me because I want to make
• 20:56
  a radical change. I need to take a three- hundred- sixty-
• 21:00
  degree turn. Of course, and if you tell someone in person, you
• 21:06
  say it' s a lapsus. But another thing is to think about it,
• 21:11
  write it, read it and say ok send because it is three filters.
• 21:17
  It' s three then, of course, I don' t know
• 21:22
  how to take it. I take it with a cheating comment I say uff
• 21:25
  I don' t know where I' m going to go. I'
• 21:26
  m a wild card guy. I' m saying I' ve dropped the
• 21:29
  connection and it' s been a while since I said it, because that
• 21:30
  ' s it. I' ve got the connection, I don' t
• 21:32
  answer it, but I' ll meet her that very night and I'
• 21:34
  ll tell you, man, she finally came out and said no, no,
• 21:37
  but I' m going home now. I tell him but, and
• 21:40
  that tells me because I already commented on Facebook and I shaking that I needed
• 21:47
  a radical change and mmmm, that I needed to take a three hundred and
• 21:56
  sixty degrees turn and regret it again. Fourth filter and you know this feeling
• 22:00
  when you' re messing with someone until you realize it' s a bit
• 22:04
  late and it gives you a bunch of stick. You know, I mean,
• 22:18
  he' s either got or he' s got, like an Argentine
• 22:22
  friend of mine says, he' s either missing players on the court or
• 22:26
  no one' s driving those things, or nobody' s ever told him,
• 22:30
  so I say he' s going to take a good roll and I
• 22:33
  say I' m going to explain it to him for the best, nobody
• 22:41
  ' s ever told him, and I' m telling him you' ve
• 22:45
  realized that if you' re here and you' re running a three-
• 22:48
  sixty- degree turn, that change you expect isn' t going to be
• 22:48
  so radical, because you basically end up at the same point. No,
• 22:49
  and maybe what you meant right from the start was I want to take a
• 22:55
  turn of 180 degrees. One hundred and eighty degrees And he tells me,
• 23:03
  because you won' t believe it, but I was about to put one
• 23:19
  hundred and eighty but it seemed little to me. Thank you.