Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #37: The Language of Relationships: Understanding These Therapy Terms Could Drastically Improve How You Communicate and Connect with Your Adult Child.

Transcript

#37: The Language of Relationships: Understanding These Therapy Terms Could Drastically Improve How You Communicate and Connect with Your Adult Child. · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Unless you've been living under a rock, most parents of young adults have heard phrases like meet them where they are, emotional regulation, empathic listening, and so on.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But you've never wanted to ask what they mean because, well, you will look like you've been living under a rock.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: No need to worry about that anymore.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'll be unpacking those pop psychology buzzwords, and by the time we're done, you won't have to pretend to understand what these terms mean.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Even better, you'll know how to use them in a way that actually improves your relationship.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Think of this episode as your crash course in the language of relationships.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, even for someone like myself who's been researching and writing about the parent, adult-child relationship for years, many of these idioms, as they're called, are fairly new and not so self-explanatory.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting, for example, came from a movie.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Codependency is not healthy, although it sounds like you're cuddling.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Holding space is literally impossible.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: How can you hold space?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And mindfulness should have been called mindlessness, but I'll get into that momentarily.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I couldn't possibly cover every single one of these terms in this episode because, well, honestly, we'd be here for hours.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I do go over them in my course and give you a cheat sheet afterwards so you can read up on them when needed.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: For today, I've chosen the ones that I believe you hear about the most.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll define each one briefly, and when applicable, I'll give you real life examples.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's get into it.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: We begin with mindfulness, which means being aware of your thoughts, your feelings, and the sensations in your body, but with a sense of detachment.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's sort of like watching yourself on a television screen.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Mindfulness is the practice of being calm and present, but without reacting.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I think it should be called mindlessness.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You've probably heard that meditation is the best practice for mindfulness, except that it doesn't have to take place only when you're sitting in silence for 30 minutes.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can practice this even when you're about to lose your cool.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you an example.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: You walk into your kitchen, the one you just cleaned, and you see a dirty countertop with a greasy pan in the sink.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of losing your shit, inwardly or outwardly, you practice mindfulness by taking a deep breath, a long breath, okay, maybe even a few, which actually works on your nervous system, and then calmly tell your kid that you want the kitchen cleaned up now, not later, and then you walk away.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Mindfulness can become your secret power.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: When you begin to notice your body getting tense or your thoughts start racing, hit that pause button and take those deep breaths and mentally detach.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Those negative thoughts can be fleeting as long as you don't hold on to them.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's talk about boundaries.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty convinced that this term is very confusing for many people, especially parents.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: But if boundaries were better understood, it would be easier for parents to uphold them.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: In the simplest terms, I like to call them our non-negotiables, the line in the sand that we draw to protect our physical and emotional well-being.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if you would never allow someone at work to speak to you disrespectfully, yell at you, or walk away while you're in mid-sentence, that's a boundary you set for yourself, and it should not disappear with your adult child once you get home.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Those boundaries command respect.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: They tell the world, your children included, how you want to be treated, but they only work if you uphold them.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now this is a good time to bring up enmeshment.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Enmeshment happens when the emotional boundaries between a parent and a child become so blurred that the parent may feel responsible for their child's every mood, choice, or failure.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know the expression, you're only as happy as your saddest child?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because their emotions feel like your own or that you have no life because of how you prioritize theirs, and then you feel hurt when they want to spend time with other people?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's enmeshment.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Here are some real life examples.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You take their emotional struggles personally, you insert yourself into their decisions because you feel they don't always think things through, and they may hide parts of their life from you out of fear that it will upset you.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Besides the guilt that your adult child will feel, the biggest problem with enmeshment is that it interferes with your child's development of self separate from you, which makes it really hard for them to feel confident without your emotional input.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, enmeshment blocks your adult child from developing independence and emotional clarity.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk for a minute about generational trauma.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Generational trauma is really two parts.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: First, there's the trauma, which is not just an uncomfortable memory.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma refers to an experience often frightening, dangerous, or deeply disturbing that has impacted our ability to cope.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma, in the truest sense, is about physical harm, emotional abuse, neglect, even witnessing violence.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Real trauma changes us, and it leaves a mark on how we feel, think, and respond to the world.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, generational means that your trauma preceded you, that it was passed down through your parents, even their parents.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: So put together, generational trauma are the emotional scars that you carry that might not have originated with you.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: But because your parents didn't work through theirs, you inherited it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: See, at some point we have to stop the cycle, and we do that by becoming aware of it and then working on healing ourselves.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Next is gaslighting.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone causes another person to question their own feelings, their memories, or their perception of an event.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's often used to deflect blame, avoid accountability, or maintain control in a relationship.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Many parents do this without even realizing it, when they're feeling defensive, uncomfortable, or unwilling to accept how their child might have experienced something in the past.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you ever hear yourself making comments like these, then you are in full gaslighting mode.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're being too sensitive, you always twist things around, that's not what happened, you're overreacting.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: To the parent, it might feel like explaining or clarifying, but to the adult child, it feels like dismissal, as if their experience doesn't count or their feelings can't be trusted.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: So when your child brings up something painful and your first response is to deny, dismiss, or rewrite it, you're teaching them that it's not emotionally safe to share anything difficult with you.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, that leads to distance, resentment, or even estrangement.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And what is estrangement?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's when one party, usually the adult child, intentionally creates emotional and physical distance from a parent, often due to unresolved hurt or a lack of emotional safety, which I just mentioned.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is not difficult to spot when it's happening to you.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: They simply stop communicating with you.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they'll tell you why, or maybe they'll just feel as if they told you a hundred times and nothing has ever changed.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You might have different versions of their childhood.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: You believed you were just being a parent, doing what you thought was best or what you could do at the time.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: But they describe it as years of invalidation and emotional neglect.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, estrangement doesn't happen overnight and it's rarely about one event.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's often the result of unmet needs and unresolved issues.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you know this, that it's all over social media, but if it happens to you, please seek help because it is extremely challenging for both parent and adult child.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Next we have holding space, needing space, and give them space.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: These three terms are mentioned a lot, but they are commonly misunderstood because they sound similar, but they mean very different things.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: What they do have in common is that each requires a certain level of emotional maturity from you.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when you learn to recognize which kind of space is needed in that moment, you don't take it so personally and you respond more calmly.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what they each mean, and I hope that these brief definitions resonate with you.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Holding space is the act of being fully present with someone without judgment, without trying to fix, and without rushing their process.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's when you sit with another person's pain, confusion, or vulnerability and let it come out without making it about you or judging them or again trying to fix it.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: While the phrase became popular about 10 years ago, the practice itself of holding space is really quite ancient, with roots in Buddhism and indigenous traditions.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Here's an example of when your adult child needs you to hold space for them, when they are being completely honest with their feelings, bearing their soul, perhaps sharing that they don't know what they want to do with their life, and instead of you trying to solve it, ignore it, or worse, minimize it, you simply allow their truth to come out.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Next is needing space.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: When your adult child says, I need space, what they're really saying is, I'm overwhelmed right now, and I need time to regulate my emotions and process without pressure and decompress without comments or opinions.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually very mature of them.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: The problem here is that it's often taken as rejection or disrespect by parents, and that just makes everything worse.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, work on not taking it personally.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Respect what they're asking of you, and when they are ready, they will return.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one is giving space.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Giving space is saying, I respect that you need breathing room right now, and I'll be here when you need me.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's showing them respect without abandoning them.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is the perfect segue to three of the most important and most misunderstood emotional skills that show up in every parent-child relationship.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about emotional regulation, emotional co-regulation, and emotional dysregulation.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're deeply connected, but each one has its own role.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: First is emotional regulation.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize your feelings, manage them, and recover in a healthy way.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean suppressing feelings or staying calm all the time.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: It means working through your emotions so that you don't spiral out of control, lash out at others, or shut down completely.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: When that's not possible, then you have emotional dysregulation.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is what happens when someone can't manage their emotional state.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: They could be feeling anger, sadness, fear, or anxiety, but they don't have the tools to calm down or think clearly.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Signs of dysregulation in adult children can range from explosive, hurtful outbursts to becoming completely catatonic, withdrawing from the world, not eating, and so on.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: What you need to know is that this is not an act of defiance.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Their nervous system is overwhelmed and they haven't figured out how to manage it yet, and they need help to learn how to build those skills.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: This leads us perfectly into emotional co-regulation.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: When a calm and emotionally regulated person helps someone else to return to a regulated state, and it's done through presence, just being there, tone, the way you speak to them, and sometimes touch, even a hug.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is actually how we learn to regulate, especially as children.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Before young adults can regulate themselves, they need someone who can model and share emotional regulation with them.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you, the parent, provides.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a perfectly relatable example.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child is spiraling with anxiety about a job interview.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: You don't lecture, you sit next to them, you breathe slowly, you keep your tone warm.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Your calm starts to settle their chaos.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: These next two phrases or terms also sound similar, but are in fact different.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Active listening and empathic listening.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Active listening is a communication technique which means giving your full attention, repeating back what you've heard, asking questions if needed, and responding in a way that lets the other person know you are fully present and you truly understand them.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how it's done.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You make eye contact, you nod, you reflect back what they said, and sometimes ask clarifying questions.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: You might say, So what I'm hearing is that you're frustrated because you feel like you're not being taken seriously.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Did I get that right?
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's empathic listening.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Empathic listening takes active listening one step further.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a deeper emotional connection.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just about understanding their words, it's about becoming more sympathetic to what the other person has experienced.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you become emotionally tuned in to them.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't just reflect their words as you would in active listening.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: You reflect their emotion, you respond to the feeling underneath what they're saying.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the difference.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: Active listening is saying, I'm paying attention to what you're saying.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Empathic listening says, I understand how this feels for you.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one is one of the most powerful because what it means is to approach your adult child from their current emotional or developmental state and not what you wish they were, where their friends are, or where you were at their age.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: It is meet them where they are.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean you're lowering your expectations.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's acknowledging their uniqueness that they are marching to the tune of their own drummer.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a learning disability or something that set them back a few years ago.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps they're struggling to find their purpose.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is we have to stop pushing our kids to be like everyone else, to follow the set timeline.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a race to the finish line.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: That social pressure alone can be paralyzing.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: This approach definitely requires empathy.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: But when your adult child feels seen by you in their truth and not judged by you, that's when they can be themselves and move forward at their own pace.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: A perfect example could be that they appear unmotivated and slacking because they're not applying for jobs.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Don't shame them.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Rather understand that there's something else going on.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps feeling unqualified or afraid of rejection.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Being compassionate on your part doesn't mean doing nothing.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: It means helping them to find a way to remove what is holding them back.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we've come to the end of our lesson, and I hope that I've enlightened you somewhat.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: These are not just buzzwords from therapy that your adult child might throw into conversation or that you'll hear during a podcast like this.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're practical, powerful tools for navigating the most important relationship you have right now.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: The one with your adult child who really does need to connect and communicate with you.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know you want to help them, but I believe the greatest impact will come from improving your relationship with them, whether that means repairing it, rebuilding it, or reshaping it.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's when the real transformation of their life will begin.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.