Latest / Inspirations for Your Life / Your Past Is STILL Controlling You (S5) S38:E1 Saturday

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Your Past Is STILL Controlling You (S5) S38:E1 Saturday · Inspirations for Your Life

0:23
Well, hello there, everyone, and welcome once again
0:26
to the ever-popular Inspirations for Your Life
0:28
show.
0:28
It's so great to be with you here
0:30
today.
0:31
It is Saturday.
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It's September 12th.
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And what does that mean?
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Well, that means we're starting with a brand
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new master topic, and it is so great
0:39
to have you here with me today.
0:43
So if this is your very first time
0:45
joining me, I want to take the opportunity
0:47
to say welcome, and of course, I want
0:49
to say thank you.
0:51
If you've been here one time, five times,
0:53
10 times, 100, more, or maybe even lost
0:55
track of the count, no problem, I'd like
0:58
to say thank you and welcome, but I'd
1:00
also like to say the words welcome back,
1:02
because you are very welcome here.
1:05
So we start a brand new master topic
1:06
on Saturday.
1:07
We roll all the way through the week,
1:08
and we finish up on a Friday.
1:11
All right, guys.
1:12
If you're thirsty, if you're hungry, I have
1:15
some RO water here with lemon.
1:17
Feel free to go grab yourself some, and
1:21
that's absolutely delicious.
1:23
So yep, definitely enjoying that beverage there.
1:29
Feel free to get yourself a snack or
1:30
another drink or what have you, and we'll
1:33
kick the show off.
1:34
But don't forget to check out BelieveMeAchieved.com,
1:37
of course, for more of my amazing, inspiring
1:39
creations, which, ladies and gentlemen, you can do
1:41
24 hours a day, seven days a week,
1:45
365 days a year, but do that after
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the show is over.
1:49
All right.
1:50
So let's get into the show, shall we?
1:52
Welcome everyone to the ever-popular inspirations for
1:54
your life show.
1:56
Who am I?
1:56
Great question.
1:57
I'm John C.
1:58
Morley.
1:59
I'm a serial entrepreneur.
2:00
I'm an engineer, marketing specialist, video producer, podcast
2:03
host, coach, keynote speaker, a graduate student at
2:08
Montclair State University, and a passionate lifelong learner,
2:12
and so grateful now to be a published
2:15
author.
2:16
So today I'm talking about something that quietly
2:21
controls our lives.
2:23
Long after experience ends, what is that?
2:27
Your past may be over, but are you
2:30
still carrying it with you?
2:32
That's the big question.
2:34
Let's explore 30 ways together to recognize what
2:39
you're holding onto and begin hopefully moving forward
2:43
and away from those things.
2:44
So number one, what happened, it's over, okay?
2:50
But you still may be carrying it.
2:52
An event can end while its emotional weight
2:55
remains with us for, could be hours, could
2:59
be days, could be months, could be years,
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right?
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So ask yourself whether something is affecting you
3:11
today because it's still happening, or because you're
3:16
still carrying what happened, right?
3:19
I think that's a very important thing to
3:21
understand, but a lot of people say, you
3:22
know, of course it's not bothering me, but
3:24
it is.
3:26
It's actually affecting you more than you probably
3:29
know.
3:30
That's a very, very big problem, all right?
3:33
So that's important to understand, all right?
3:38
Number two, stop giving yesterday space in today's
3:44
mind.
3:45
Hmm, that's an interesting one.
3:48
Your attention is valuable.
3:50
Every moment spent living mentally in yesterday takes
3:55
attention away from the life you can influence
3:58
today.
3:59
Number three, recognize what you repeatedly replay.
4:04
Notice the conversations you have in your head,
4:06
mistakes, disappointments, or experiences your mind keeps returning
4:12
to and you can't let go of.
4:13
Repetition may reveal something you haven't released yet,
4:16
and I think that's an important thing is
4:17
that we sometimes need to release so we
4:19
can have room for more.
4:21
Number four, your memory doesn't have to become
4:24
your residence.
4:26
No.
4:27
Memories can teach us without becoming where you
4:33
live emotionally.
4:34
Visit the lesson, take what you need, and
4:36
return to the present.
4:37
So when something happens, maybe it wasn't a
4:39
great experience, I get it.
4:41
Those things happen.
4:42
So learn from the lesson, throw everything else
4:46
out but the lesson.
4:48
That's what I want to tell you to
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do, okay?
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You don't want to become emotionally attached to
4:51
it.
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Number five, guys, notice what still triggers the
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same emotional reaction.
4:57
A name, place, photograph, or conversation may suddenly
5:02
bring everything back full circle.
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Instead of judging the reaction, notice what it's
5:08
telling you right now.
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Number six, stop reopening wounds just to examine
5:17
them again.
5:19
Reflection can help you heal but repeatedly examining
5:22
the same hurt can keep reopening that wound.
5:27
Eventually, you have to stop touching the wound
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or it's never going to heal, right?
5:32
Don't pick the scab, right?
5:33
Don't ever do that, right?
5:36
So I think we have to realize this
5:40
is an important part, right?
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We have to let our wounds heal and
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we can't keep digging into them, all right?
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Number seven, identify what you're still angry about
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because you're angry about something.
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See, that's why you're holding on to it.
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You don't realize this but you're holding on
5:58
to something because you're still angry about it
6:01
and you have unresolved issues with it.
6:04
Get specific, okay?
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Is it what happened, how you were treated,
6:11
what was said, or are you waiting for
6:14
the apology you never received?
6:17
Naming it gives you something real to address.
6:23
And so that's why I always tell people,
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you know, name what's going on because when
6:26
you name it, it loses its power over
6:29
you.
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I think that's a very important thing, okay?
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It loses its power over you.
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So number eight, ask what carrying it is
6:41
actually accomplishing, right?
6:43
You know you're carrying something, right?
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You may not want to admit it.
6:47
So ask yourself, is this something that you
6:52
want to carry on with you, right?
6:55
What is your anger or resentment about?
6:58
What is it doing for you?
6:59
If it isn't protecting, teaching, or helping you
7:03
anymore, question why you're still paying for it
7:08
because that's what you're doing.
7:09
You're reliving something.
7:10
You're not letting go of something, all right?
7:13
Number nine, your pain deserves attention, not permanent
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control.
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Acknowledge what hurts.
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Don't minimize it.
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But pain or discomfort deserves to be processed,
7:27
not given permanent authority over your decisions or
7:31
a permanent spot.
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Number 10, stop rehearsing conversations that already ended.
7:37
They ended.
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Why are you rehearsing them over and over
7:39
again?
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Why do you want to relive that moment
7:42
again?
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You didn't like it.
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If it was something good, great.
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But why do you want to rehash, maybe
7:47
you were off fired, maybe it was a
7:49
relationship issue.
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Why do you want to rehash that feeling
7:51
again?
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You may think of a perfect response long
7:57
after a conversation ends, but imagery has a
8:01
way with conversations and it doesn't change the
8:05
real history.
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Put that energy into what comes next.
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Number 11, you don't need another imagery argument,
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guys.
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Winning argument inside your head doesn't change anything
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outside it.
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So stop debating someone who isn't even in
8:22
the room right now.
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You're really wasting your energy.
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Number 12, recognize when reflection becomes rumination.
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Reflection asks what you can learn.
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Rumination repeats the same questions without producing anything
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new.
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Learn the lesson and know when thinking has
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become circling.
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We've all done that.
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Number 13, stop allowing one event to define
8:49
an entire season.
8:54
You had a bad situation.
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That's not how your whole life's going to
8:58
go.
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But when you keep putting thoughts on it,
9:01
that's what's going to happen.
9:02
So you want to make sure that you're
9:04
thinking positively in the future.
9:07
One painful event doesn't deserve ownership of your
9:09
entire month, year, or chapter of your life.
9:14
Other parts of your life are still happening.
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So let's embrace those and let's focus on
9:20
those good things.
9:22
Number 14, your past can explain you without
9:26
controlling you.
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That's an interesting one, John, really interesting one.
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It is.
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Your experience may explain certain reactions and behaviors.
9:42
But once you recognize the pattern, you gain
9:46
the opportunity to choose differently.
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Number 15, separate what happened from what you're
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doing now.
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Someone else's actions belong to the past.
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Your response today belongs to you only.
10:03
Don't allow their behavior to keep making your
10:06
decisions.
10:08
What would they think?
10:09
What would they want?
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It doesn't matter what they want.
10:12
It's what you want.
10:15
These are very important things, guys.
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And they keep playing in your head over
10:21
and over again.
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So don't try to replay the conversation so
10:25
you can figure out what they wanted it.
10:27
Number 16, stop carrying somebody else's behavior as
10:30
your burden.
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Their dishonesty, disrespect, or even poor judgment belongs
10:35
to them, not you.
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Take the lesson, create the boundary, and stop
10:40
carrying their behavior as part of your identity.
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You don't need to do that.
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Leave space for you.
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Number 17, you don't have to approve of
10:53
something to release it.
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This is a big one.
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A lot of people think, well, I got
10:58
to approve it before I can get rid
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of it.
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You don't.
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Letting go doesn't mean saying something was acceptable.
11:05
You can believe it was wrong while deciding
11:08
you're finished carrying its emotional burden or weight.
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A lot of people want to be a
11:15
martyr and hang on to that weight.
11:18
They think that they're going to get some
11:20
special prize.
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But you know what?
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You're going to get nothing.
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You're going to get absolutely, absolutely nothing.
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I think that's an important piece, is that
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if you know you're going to get nothing,
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why are you letting that burden stick in
11:35
your head?
11:38
You don't have to approve of something to
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release it.
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That's the main thing.
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When you're finished with it, let it go.
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Number 18, holding anger doesn't rewrite history.
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People think, well, if I hold a grudge,
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then I'm going to get my power.
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No, you're just going to get less power.
11:55
You can stay angry for another decade.
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And the original event won't ever change.
12:02
It'll probably get worse.
12:04
Ask whether the anger is doing something useful
12:06
for your future or it's hurting you.
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And a lot of people don't want to
12:10
talk about this.
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But that anger, a lot of times, is
12:14
what's precluding you from new relationships, new opportunities,
12:18
learning, et cetera.
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Number 19, stop waiting for the past to
12:25
become different.
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Maybe you wanted apology, an explanation, closure, or
12:31
acknowledgment.
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You may receive it someday, or you may
12:34
not.
12:35
Don't suspend your life waiting for it.
12:38
There's too many great things going on.
12:40
Don't let that get in the way of
12:42
it.
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Number 20, guys, accept what cannot be changed.
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This is a real interesting one, because when
12:52
we accept what cannot be changed, now we're
12:56
taking power over our life.
12:59
We're taking power over our life.
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I think that's a very powerful thing.
13:03
But what does it really mean?
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Acceptance isn't approval.
13:13
It's recognizing the reality we're currently in.
13:17
Stop spending energy fighting facts.
13:20
You cannot change.
13:21
And use it on choices you still can.
13:24
See, everybody out there is, a lot of
13:26
you, I should say, are out there trying
13:27
to focus on what they want to change,
13:29
but things they can't change.
13:31
Why don't we focus on the things we
13:32
can change?
13:34
OK?
13:36
Number 21, put your energy where it can
13:40
still create something good.
13:42
Build something.
13:44
Learn something.
13:45
Strengthen a relationship.
13:47
Develop a skill.
13:50
Give your energy to areas of life where
13:53
it can still produce something meaningful to you.
13:57
Meaningful.
13:59
I think we go down these detours because
14:03
we feel that this is going to be
14:04
the best thing for us.
14:05
But really, it's really not, guys.
14:07
It's just going to give us this, again,
14:10
this facade that we think we're in the
14:14
right way.
14:15
OK?
14:15
But we're really not.
14:17
We're being fooled over and over again.
14:24
That's an important thing, guys.
14:28
And that important thing is something that a
14:30
lot of people don't realize.
14:33
Right?
14:34
They don't realize that.
14:36
Don't realize what that means or what it
14:38
could be.
14:42
Build something.
14:43
Learn something.
14:44
Put your energy to good use.
14:46
Number 22, stop feeding memories that only drain
14:51
you.
14:52
So there are two kinds of people out
14:54
there.
14:54
I want to make it simple.
14:55
People that feed you and people that basically
14:59
draw from you.
15:01
We love to be around people that feed
15:05
us.
15:06
But sometimes, we're this glutton for punishment.
15:08
We feel like, well, we've got to be
15:09
around this person.
15:10
This person, oh, I hate hanging around this
15:11
person.
15:12
But you do it.
15:12
Why do you do it?
15:14
If revisiting a memory repeatedly leaves you angry
15:17
or exhausted without teaching you anything new, stop
15:21
it.
15:23
Stop supplying it with today's energy.
15:25
Let me give an example.
15:27
When you were younger and you had your
15:28
hand, you were close to the stove.
15:29
Right?
15:29
It was getting hot.
15:30
You did, oh, you pulled it away.
15:32
Did you just put it on and just
15:33
try to burn it?
15:33
No, you didn't.
15:34
You pulled it away.
15:35
So why are we doing this to ourselves?
15:38
Why?
15:40
Number 23, you can remember without reliving it.
15:44
Moving forward doesn't require forgetting.
15:47
The goal is being able to remember what
15:49
happened without emotionally returning there every single time.
15:53
Because you see, when we return there emotionally,
15:56
our mind and body don't know if it's
15:58
really physical or imagined.
16:02
Our body responds the same way.
16:04
For example, a group of people that were
16:09
doing the basketball experiment, they had three sets
16:13
of students.
16:15
One set practiced every day.
16:17
The other set didn't practice at all.
16:20
And the third set, they practiced, but in
16:23
study hall.
16:25
When they were in study hall and they
16:26
practiced, in their mind, the same neurons fired
16:33
in their bodies.
16:34
What was the result?
16:36
Well, the first team and the third team
16:40
played pretty close.
16:42
In fact, the third team almost played better
16:44
than them.
16:45
And the second team didn't do well at
16:48
all.
16:49
Number 24, guys, your attention determines what stays
16:52
emotionally alive in your life.
16:53
So let's pay attention to what we're focusing
16:56
on, what channels we're connecting to.
17:00
Whatever receives repeat attention receives energy.
17:03
You can't control every thought that appears, but
17:06
you can decide which thoughts you continue feeding.
17:11
That's important, guys.
17:13
Very important.
17:14
Number 25, stop giving old pain new energy.
17:17
Let the pain die.
17:19
Let the discomfort go away.
17:21
Don't pick at that wound.
17:23
Yesterday's discomfort or pain shouldn't receive today's energy
17:27
automatically.
17:29
It doesn't deserve it.
17:31
When it returns, ask whether there's anything new
17:34
to learn from it.
17:35
If not, redirect it.
17:37
Let it go.
17:41
Number 26, guys, decide what deserves to come
17:46
forward with you.
17:50
That seems like a hard one, doesn't it?
17:52
What should be with you?
17:56
What should you be spending your attention on?
18:00
What?
18:03
Take the wisdom, experience, the judgment, and stronger
18:08
boundaries.
18:10
Leave behind the bitterness, guys.
18:15
Ego causes this to happen.
18:17
Leave the ego at the door.
18:19
Leave the anger, leave the fear, and the
18:22
emotional weight you no longer need anymore.
18:27
Those are important things.
18:33
Number 27, guys, some things belong in your
18:36
history, not your identity.
18:39
Something happened to you, but it isn't all
18:42
of you.
18:44
Don't define yourself through one disappointment, mistake, betrayal,
18:48
or difficult chapter.
18:52
A lot of people do that.
18:55
And then when they're not going anywhere, they
18:59
blame everybody else.
19:00
But you know whose fault it is?
19:01
It's your fault.
19:03
You're the one that decided to do that.
19:06
No one else told you to do that.
19:08
So why are you blaming somebody else?
19:11
That's my question.
19:11
Why are you blaming somebody else?
19:14
You're the one that's carrying it on.
19:17
Something happened to you, but it isn't all
19:21
of you.
19:22
Don't define yourself through one disappointment, a mistake,
19:26
a betrayal, or even a difficult chapter, or
19:29
a relationship that went south.
19:31
It happens.
19:33
There's no perfect time.
19:34
There's no perfect moment, no perfect place.
19:37
Number 28, guys, release doesn't erase what you
19:43
learned.
19:45
I love this.
19:47
You see, ladies and gentlemen, you don't need
19:49
anger to remember a lesson.
19:52
Nope.
19:53
You can keep the wisdom, recognize warning signs,
19:58
maintain boundaries, and make better decisions without carrying
20:04
the pain or discomfort or even that terrible
20:06
ego.
20:09
You see, the reason the ego comes out,
20:11
I'm gonna be quite honest with you, it
20:12
comes out because you're trying to prove that
20:15
you're better than somebody, right?
20:17
You're trying to prove that you're better than
20:21
somebody.
20:22
And that just comes back to bite us
20:25
every single time.
20:30
Number 29, you can honor the lesson without
20:35
carrying the weight.
20:37
I think I'm saying this a few different
20:38
ways.
20:39
So you can basically accept the lesson, right?
20:46
Make sure you understand it without carrying on
20:48
the emotional burden of it.
20:51
There's no need for the emotional burden.
20:53
Why do we need to carry it?
20:55
Why do we want that heavy set of
20:58
bags?
20:58
You remember book bags in school, right?
21:00
Being in college, I still have a book
21:01
bag.
21:03
You remember what it was like carrying your
21:05
book bag?
21:07
I remember in some classes when I didn't
21:09
wanna go back to my locker, I would
21:10
carry extra books, right?
21:16
And a lot of times what happened in
21:20
high school, you'd get your books, you'd go
21:23
to your room and you'd keep a couple
21:27
of them, you'd go back and you really
21:28
didn't have a book bag.
21:31
You have one at the end of the
21:32
day when you went home, but you didn't
21:34
have a book bag, right?
21:36
You didn't have a book bag.
21:38
So if we have a choice in what
21:42
we can carry, why are we carrying more?
21:46
This is the question or the dumb question
21:47
I'm asking everybody.
21:48
Why are we carrying more?
21:51
Why?
21:54
Why are we doing that?
21:56
So that's an important one.
21:58
We don't need to have all that weight.
22:01
If experience taught you something important, apply that
22:06
lesson.
22:07
Growth proves you learned from it.
22:11
Continuing to suffer doesn't make the lesson more
22:14
valuable.
22:16
No.
22:17
When you know something, you don't repeat it,
22:21
right?
22:21
Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing
22:24
the same thing over and over again and
22:25
expecting different results.
22:27
People aren't insane, but why do people repeat
22:29
things?
22:31
And expect they'll get different results.
22:35
It don't change anything.
22:37
Important, guys.
22:39
Number 30, stop carrying what already happened into
22:44
what happens next.
22:46
You see, ladies and gentlemen, your past deserves
22:48
acknowledgement, but it doesn't deserve unlimited authority over
22:51
your future.
22:53
Take what it taught you and decide what
22:56
you're finally ready to leave behind.
22:59
Now, I know that's gonna sound hard.
23:02
It's gonna be uncomfortable, and success lies where
23:05
it gets uncomfortable, guys.
23:06
And that's what I want you to think
23:08
about today, okay?
23:11
What are you still carrying on to?
23:13
What extra books or bricks do you have
23:17
in your, what conversations are you still replaying?
23:25
What personal experience continues receiving your energy, even
23:31
though it belongs to your past?
23:33
Now, when we think about weight in a
23:35
book bag, whether it's bricks, whether it's books
23:37
or what have you, that's weight, that's physical
23:40
weight, right?
23:40
What has so many pounds or kilograms, depending
23:42
on how you weigh it.
23:45
That weight pulls us down, and physical weight
23:51
can pull us down, but emotional weight, guys,
23:54
can pull us down too.
23:57
Emotional weight can pull us down even more
23:59
than physical weight can pull us down.
24:04
That's mind-blowing.
24:06
So I want you to let go, okay,
24:09
of the things you don't need.
24:11
Letting go doesn't mean forgetting.
24:12
It doesn't mean approving of what happened, trusting
24:16
someone again or reopening a relationship.
24:18
It means deciding that something which already took
24:20
enough from you doesn't get to keep taking
24:24
your time, attention, energy, and peace.
24:26
I've had people that were disrespectful to me.
24:28
I decided it's time to say goodbye.
24:32
Many years ago, I'm like, oh, I want
24:33
closure.
24:34
I learned, you know what, John?
24:36
I don't need closure.
24:38
If this was the way the relationship was
24:40
going, I don't need that kind of friend.
24:44
In the beginning, I'm like, oh my gosh,
24:46
I don't wanna let go of this person.
24:47
You're like one of the best friends, right?
24:49
I'm like, wait a minute, they weren't a
24:51
best friend.
24:52
If that's how they treated me and they
24:54
couldn't even do closure with me of why
24:56
they don't wanna hang around with me.
24:58
Keep the wisdom, ladies and gentlemen, keep the
25:01
lesson, keep the stronger boundaries, but please, please,
25:06
please release the physical weight in your book
25:08
bag, but mostly release the emotional weight.
25:13
Your history can explain where you've been without
25:18
deciding where you're going.
25:21
And that's a very powerful thing, guys.
25:24
You didn't realize that physical weight is something,
25:29
but you also didn't realize that emotional weight
25:31
can be just as much to hold you
25:36
back, if not more, right?
25:41
Release that weight, okay?
25:44
Ladies and gentlemen, I am John C.
25:46
Morley, serial entrepreneur, and this has been another
25:48
amazing episode of the powerful inspirations for your
25:52
life.
25:52
I thank you so much for spending this
25:55
time with me today.
25:57
And when we think about all these things
25:59
we can do, we're learning in life, every
26:02
single day we're learning.
26:05
And I think if we know that we're
26:06
learning and we don't have to be perfect,
26:09
but we wanna get better each day, that's
26:12
all we can ask.
26:13
If we wanna get better, if we get
26:16
better, our life actually changes.
26:20
Our life actually changes.
26:21
And I know that's what we want from
26:22
all of you here.
26:24
I invite you to please check out BelieveMeAchieve
26:27
.com for more of my, of course, amazing,
26:31
inspiring creations, which you guys can do, ladies
26:33
and gentlemen, 24 hours a day, seven days
26:37
a week.
26:37
So don't forget to check that out.
26:40
You can get my short-form content, my
26:42
long-form content, my articles, my reels.
26:46
And ladies and gentlemen, so much more.
26:48
So I would invite you to please check
26:50
that out.
26:51
I think you're gonna find that to be
26:53
pretty amazing.
26:55
I think you're gonna find that to be
26:56
something that is gonna be pretty cool and
26:59
something that you can go over and over
27:01
again and something that you can make a
27:03
difference with.
27:04
And I think a lot of people out
27:06
there will realize the one thing.
27:08
They'll realize that this change is very evident,
27:12
but we have to let the ego go.
27:16
I know we hold onto it like a
27:18
blanket because we feel we need the protection.
27:22
But again, that's just a facade.
27:25
It's the fact of us being uncomfortable or
27:29
afraid of being uncomfortable that puts us that
27:30
way.
27:31
I hope you guys have a great rest
27:33
of your day and a great rest of
27:34
your evening.
27:35
And remember, don't keep living your past.
27:39
You wanna live your good moments of the
27:41
past.
27:41
That's great, that can help you amplify and
27:43
create those moments of the future.
27:44
But if you keep focusing on moments of
27:47
the past that were bad, guess what?
27:49
You'll create more of those unfortunate moments of
27:51
the future.
27:52
And I know you guys don't want that.
27:54
All right, so check out BelieveMeAchieved.com and
27:57
I'll catch you on another episode of Inspirations
27:59
to Your Life real soon.
28:00
Be well, everyone.