Latest / Dits & Dahs / the awareness of what's next
Transcript
- the awareness of what's next: I was reading a Brief article in the New York Times this morning about a widow author and her essay about her experience with widowhood the first months in after her husband died. And she spoke of her husband before he died having organized all of the relevant documents to make her life easier after he died. So who to contact for insurance and affiliations, bills, etcetera When my husband died, there was nothing like that prepared. Everything was left in sort of a shambles for me to sort of reconstruct in a way that I could move on heightens the fact that everybody's experience is unique. But what we all share, no matter what we're left with to deal is that severing of that connection when you complete whatever it is that has to be done and then moving on with your life and the first question of course you ask of yourself is, Well what what's next? I've done this, husband's bit dead, my life has changed. What should I do? No way. that you could file away your emotions and experiences to prepare you in a box to visit and get your new life started, you have to come into it in your own special path. And that moment that you are dealing with the tying up of those loose ends, there was a pit in my stomach, an emptiness, a void. It was the gut wrenching kind of spasm, the the sense of depletion, almost physical depletion, because at this point, depending on the illness or the circumstances leading up to the death of a spouse, you may have been anguishing for a period of time because your spouse might have had a disease or a medical condition is minded. The kind of knowing that it's coming and there's only so much you can prepare, but you can't ever anticipate what that gut wrenching emptiness of a void that you feel each and every Every time you cancel an account, you amend an agreement, whatever it is that has to be done at death for that circumstance. And it can be really exhausting because it all happens at once because in your mind, for me, all I wanted to do was get through it and beyond it. And then have this clean slate, I suppose, to look upon myself and say, What next? What am I left with? And it's that unexpected emptiness. And it's not emptiness because you're you're missing the Yeah perhaps. whatever pensions that my husband accrued in the UK weren't gonna be available for me until I reach my retirement age, which is a couple of years. I was destitute at the time. That money would have been essential to helping me survive. And the author of the essay, expressing her experience, talked about how valuable her friends were because they didn't have children, so they didn't have family to kind of come in and help them guide their loved ones through their first moments of being a widow. Each woman was able to rely on a community of friends, which is hugely valuable. For the most part, absent of the great generosity of a few neighbors who are also friends, didn't have anyone. And there's only so much I was going to allow myself to feel that void, that emptiness, confirmation with the chipmunks. I just had to put it behind me. Not forget it, not wallow in it either. Just understand that those details were sorted to the best that they could be sorted, and now you had to figure out, well, what's next? I talk about it because 'Cause I think it's something that no matter how organized you are, and I mean I understand that people will take care of these details and make certain that paperwork is there and available to make life easier for the survivor. But it's never easy. You look at that piece of paper, you see your husband's name. Might not inspire tears, but it is nonetheless a reminder that that's all you have left besides the memories is the printed name. And at that particular time of your morning, which is really Fresh. It can just add to the emptiness that you feel in your gut. For me, the first couple months I just had a lot of moments of spontaneous expressions of grief, crying. It wasn't necessarily sobbing, but it was a almost an involuntary response to things around me. And all of this time you can't get lost in the woe was me vibe because that's not gonna get you anywhere to moving on. Whoa! Well, that was a confirmation of a There's no way that you can ever adequately emotionally prepare for even conceiving that you're gonna have that gut-wrenching experience. I know I went through the what ifs, how would I feel when you know the sort of weak projections that you think are gonna serve you well because having thought about it in advance and visualized it, you'll be able to cope as if that projection was actually in reality going to serve your higher good. Well that was a laughable experience. And my point is that you're never gonna be able to fully anticipate what that feeling is gonna be, how deeply you're gonna feel it, how recurring that feeling comes and goes. And I think it's at that crucial time that a lot of widows slash widowers feel extremely lost. And it doesn't really matter that you have a community of family or friends to give you emotional support. No one can visualize what it is that gut feeling is to you and fill that void. There's no preparation. I don't care how organized your late spouse was in terms of organizing the files and important documents. And my experience is one that would give advice to someone after to say, stay focused, get through the documentation, do what you need to do to make space in your life so that you're not encountering or being triggered by objects in the house that you shared in case that is hurtful to you emotionally. Get to a place where you physically See that void around you, feeling it in your gut, and recognize that that's the point where your new life foundationally begins. And that's one of hope, because you've still got air in your lungs. And the best that you can do is purge those vibes. You can't immediately ask somebody to replace it with happiness and joy because that void is sucking out all of that happiness and joy. You gotta plug the hole first. You gotta close your spiritual stoma, the way I call it. All that I'm saying is you have to purge all of that gut retching feeling. feelings before you can start feeling it with happiness and joy because the happiness and joy never goes away. You just pushed it out so far so that you could focus on feeling the gut wrenching because you need to do that. You need to stare that vibe right in the face and say, I'm getting through it. Always amazed that as humans we just never really address our emotions and our intuition telling us that yeah, that's a good thing or no, that's not what we want. And then when we're put right in the middle of that situation we're feeling Voided. We haven't yet made ourselves accountable by accepting reality. You can't prepare for that. The only thing you can do is be aware that it's happening, to let it happen, to be efficient in the way you process those emotions out of your system, and make certain that the foundation is solid and refill that void with your happiness and joy. It's gonna come gradually. It's a slow drip of joy and love. And if you're thinking that you'll get closer to somebody to give them moral support through this. Time, think again. I don't mean that to be harsh, I just mean it to say that what I speak on here about refilling that empty void can only be done by one person. That's the person that fills the void. I'm grateful for the loved ones and neighbors that were available at my side figuratively, but it was still something I had to do by myself. When my husband died, he had left very little of a paper trail for me to follow. And given that he was also a UK citizen, that was a complication. I think if I were to be in that situation once more in my life, and it's possible I will be, I would do myself the biggest favor, confirmation, and be present and aware. Not in a precious way, more so of being totally around and in the moment. You know, at that point when your spouse is still alive, you have the opportunity to be relaxed. You might have some stress knowing what's ahead of you potentially, but you're going to have to be present, aware. Because it's those visceral or seemingly visceral feelings you're experiencing at that moment. Those are the memories. Those are the vibes that are going to help rebuild your foundation. You don't realize that at the time, but I think now that that's probably a better way to go. I don't care how old or young you are. It's all about being present. Confirmation with that hammering. If you think you're being aware, ramp it up a notch and see how far off you are in your guesstimate. Because being aware is the only thing that will guide you. Thank you for being present and sharing your energy with me this morning. I appreciate it