Latest / Living Deeply with Markieta Carter / How I Embraced Being the Black Sheep Part 2: When It Become My Superpower

Transcript

How I Embraced Being the Black Sheep Part 2: When It Become My Superpower · Living Deeply with Markieta Carter

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  When my sister died, I finally understood why being the black sheep had prepared
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  me to be strong when my family needed me.
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  Hey, it's Marquita, and welcome back to the Living Deeply podcast.
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  In part one, I talked about me embracing being the black sheep of my family.
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  I talked about growing up as a loner, learning how to stand alone,
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  thinking independently, and becoming comfortable being different.
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  I talked about being the black sheep of my family.
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  But there's another part of the story because I didn't fully understand how
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  much those qualities prepare me for life until my sister died.
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  That was when being somewhat removed from certain family dynamics suddenly looked different for me.
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  The distance that once made me feel different gave me the ability to step in,
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  to an incredibly difficult situation, handle things when the people I loved
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  were overwhelmed with grief.
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  And that's what I want to talk about today.
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  When my sister died, everything changed. And there really isn't language big enough for some losses.
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  When my sister died, there was grief, shock, questions, confusion, pain.
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  And at the same time, there were things that needed to happen.
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  That's one of the strangest things about death. Your world can feel like it's
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  completely stopped, but there are still decisions that have to be made.
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  There's still phone calls. There are still questions.
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  There are still people who need information, and there are still practical things
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  that somebody has to handle, and somehow I find myself stepping into that space.
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  I realized that I was removed enough to function, and that's where being the
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  black sheep started making sense to me in a completely different way.
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  I had spent so much of my life being somewhat independent.
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  I used to think, I'm used to thinking for myself. I was used to figuring things
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  out. I was used to researching.
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  I was used to asking questions. I was used to standing outside of situations
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  and observing what was happening.
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  And because I was somewhat removed from certain family dynamics,
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  when everything happened, I had a little bit of space between myself and the center of everything.
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  Not because I didn't love my sister, not because I wasn't devastated,
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  and not because I wasn't grieving, but because I was experiencing everything.
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  I wasn't experiencing everything exactly from the same position as everyone
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  else, and that mattered. It gave me just enough room to function.
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  Somebody had to ask, what do we do next? And there were moments when the emotional
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  weight of everything was enormous.
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  And sometimes when people are overwhelmed by grief, the simplest decisions become difficult.
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  Your brain is trying to process something that doesn't feel real.
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  Your emotions are everywhere. You're exhausted. You're trying to understand
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  what happened and life still is asking you questions.
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  So I stepped in. I started asking what needs to happen? Who needs to be called?
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  What information do we need?
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  What questions haven't been answered? What does the family need right now?
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  What can I take off of somebody else's plate?
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  And that part of me has spent years figuring things out independently. It went to work.
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  The loner in me knew how to function without a crowd. Growing up as a loner
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  had already taught me something I didn't fully appreciate.
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  I knew how to operate independently.
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  I didn't need everybody to agree with me before I could move.
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  I didn't need somebody constantly beside me before I could figure something out.
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  I could research. I could make calls. I could organize information,
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  and I could ask difficult questions.
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  I could sit in uncomfortable realities, and I could make decisions when necessary.
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  Those skills didn't suddenly appear when tragedy happened.
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  They had been developing in me for years.
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  The same independence that sometimes made me feel separate became something
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  I could use to serve the people that I loved.
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  And that realization changed the way that I looked at myself.
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  Being the black sheep gave me a different vantage point. When you're standing
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  slightly outside of your family dynamic, you sometimes see things differently.
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  You're still a part of the family. You still love them.
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  You're still emotionally connected, but you're not always experiencing everything
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  from the inside of the same patterns.
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  And sometimes that different vantage point allows you to see what needs to happen next.
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  That's what I experienced. For once, being somewhat removed didn't feel like
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  separation. It felt like positioning.
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  I was able to step closer when my family needed me.
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  And there was something deeply meaningful about realizing that the part of yourself
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  that you once questioned became part of the reason you were able to show up.
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  Being strong didn't mean I wasn't grieving. And that is important.
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  When I say I was strong for everybody, I didn't mean I wasn't hurting. I was deeply.
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  Strength and grief are opposites. You can be devastated and still make a phone
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  call. You can cry and still handle what needs to be handled.
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  You can be confused and still help somebody else find an answer.
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  You can feel like your own world has changed forever and still recognize that
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  somebody you love needs you.
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  Sometimes strength isn't feeling strong at all. Sometimes strength is simply
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  functioning because the moment requires you to.
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  And that's what I did. I could put my grief down temporarily.
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  I realized that one of the things I
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  was able to do was to temporarily compartmentalize, not erase my feelings,
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  not deny them, not pretend everything was okay, but temporarily tell myself I'll come back to this.
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  Right now, there are things that need to happen.
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  Right now, my family needs me. So I could put some of my grief down temporarily and pick it up later.
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  I could be present I could think I could help I could take care of things but
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  there was a cost to that too because eventually you have to pick that grief back up.
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  The strong person needs still need somewhere to fall apart and this is something I think families forget,
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  the person handling everything is grieving too the person making the calls is
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  grieving the person asking questions is grieving and the person organizing everything is grieving.
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  The person checking on everybody else may desperately need somebody to check in on them.
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  And sometimes when you're naturally
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  independent, people assume you're okay because you're functioning.
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  But functioning and being okay are not the same thing.
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  I learned that I had to eventually give myself permission to stop being strong,
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  to cry, to be angry, to be confused, to have questions, and to have regrets,
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  to feel everything that I couldn't fully feel when I was focused on,
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  helping everybody else survive the immediate aftermath because I just didn't
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  help my family through a loss.
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  I experienced that loss too.
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  I had to make space for my own grief. Eventually, I had to turn inward.
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  I had to acknowledge there were feelings waiting for me.
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  I had my own relationship with my sister. I had my own memories,
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  my own questions, regrets, grief, my own version of what could have been.
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  And those feelings deserve space too. Being a strong one doesn't mean that you
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  have to remain strong forever.
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  You can step up when necessary and step back when you need to heal.
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  You can carry other people for a moment without committing yourself to carrying everybody forever.
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  And I think that's something I'm still learning.
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  I don't believe her death happened to teach me a lesson. I want to be clear about that.
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  I'm not saying my sister died so I could discover my strength.
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  I'm not saying everything happens for a reason And I'm not trying to put a beautiful
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  bow around something that is incredibly painful for me I would rather have my
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  sister here with me Period.
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  Some things don't need to be turned into an inspirational story Some things,
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  sometimes it's just terrible But I could still look at myself in the aftermath
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  And recognize what helped me survive it,
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  Those are two different things I don't have to be grateful for tragedy to be
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  grateful for the strength I discovered inside of myself.
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  The things that made me different served me.
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  When I look back now, I see so many different things differently.
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  Being independent served me. Being comfortable alone served me.
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  Thinking for myself served me. Questioning things served me.
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  Being able to research and find answers served me.
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  Being somewhat removed from certain dynamics served me. Being willing to stand alone served me.
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  Those qualities weren't created by my sister's death.
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  They were already there. Life simply put me in a situation where I suddenly
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  understood why those parts of myself mattered.
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  Maybe the black sheep has a role too. Sometimes we think the black sheep is
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  the person on the outside.
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  But being outside doesn't necessarily mean being gone.
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  It doesn't mean you don't care. It doesn't mean you don't love deeply.
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  Sometimes the person standing slightly outside the circle has a role nobody
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  understands until something happens.
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  Sometimes they're the observer. Sometimes they're the question asker.
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  Sometimes they're the researcher. Sometimes they're the person who challenges
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  the family to look at something differently.
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  And sometimes when everything falls apart, they're the person who walks in the
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  middle of the circle and says, okay, I got this part. And that was me.
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  I don't see my distance the same way anymore. There were times in my life when
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  I wondered why I wasn't like everybody else,
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  why I needed more solitude, why I process things differently,
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  why I was comfortable separating myself, why I didn't always feel the need to
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  be in the middle of everything.
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  Now I understand that those qualities aren't automatically weakness.
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  They've given me resilience. They have given me independence and they've given me perspective.
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  And when one of the hardest moments of my life happened, they gave me the ability to step forward.
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  I was removed enough to be strong for everyone, but I was connected enough to
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  know exactly why I needed to be.
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  And now I get to step back. This might be one of the most important parts of
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  my healing. I stepped up when I needed to.
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  Now I have permission to step back. I don't have to permanently become the person
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  who holds everything together.
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  I don't have to carry everybody's grief. I don't have to solve every problem.
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  I don't have to have every answer. And I don't have to be strong every single day.
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  I did what I knew how to do when my family needed me. and now I get to give
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  myself some of the same care.
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  Now I get to grieve. Now I get to heal. Now I get to rest. And now I get to be healed.
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  So if you're the black sheep of your family, I want you to think about this.
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  Maybe being different has developed strengths in you that you haven't even recognized.
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  Maybe your independence has taught you how to move when nobody else knows what to do.
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  Maybe your solitude has taught you how to stand. When nobody is standing beside
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  you, maybe your tendency to question things has taught you how to search for
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  answers during moments when answers are so difficult to find.
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  Maybe being somewhat outside of your family dynamic doesn't mean you love your
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  family any less. Sometimes it means that you can see them from a different angle.
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  Sometimes it means that you can step in differently. And sometimes it means
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  that when everybody else is falling apart, you have just enough distance to
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  reach your hand out and say, I've got you.
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  That's what being the Black Sheet has taught me. I've spent years learning to stand alone.
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  And when my family needed me, those years helped me to learn how to stand for them.
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  Now I'm learning something else. To let myself rest after standing for everybody else.
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  Thank you for listening. If you're navigating grief, personal transformation,
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  feeling different within your family, or simply learning how to live more authentically,
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  I've created the Thriven Humans as space for meaningful connection,
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  personal growth, and being able to show up for yourself,
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  You can join the community at ThrivenHumans.org You can learn more about me
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  and my work at ItsMarkita.com And you can listen to more episodes of the Living
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  Deeply Podcast at LivingDeeplyPodcast.com,
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  Until next time, honor your strength,
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  But also honor your need to rest,
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  You don't always have to be the strong one,
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  I'm Larkita Talk to you soon.