Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1150 - From 'Mid' to Meaningful: 5 Questions That Get Kids Talking

Transcript

#1150 - From 'Mid' to Meaningful: 5 Questions That Get Kids Talking · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: Asking great questions and having great conversations with our children
0:09
Speaker 1: can help build emotional regulation and emotional intelligence, and it's
0:14
Speaker 1: associated with lower anxiety and depression in our kids. How
0:18
Speaker 1: good is that? Goday? Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,
0:20
Speaker 1: Real parenting Solutions every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting pod.
0:25
Speaker 1: We are Justin and Clybek Coulson and today on the pod,
0:28
Speaker 1: how to get your kids talking about stuff that matters,
0:31
Speaker 1: real stuff, real conversations. We've got five core questions to
0:35
Speaker 1: ask your kids during whatever conversations you're having at dinner,
0:38
Speaker 1: in the car, or maybe when you're having bedtime snuggles.
0:43
Speaker 2: How many times have you asked your kids how their
0:45
Speaker 2: day went?
0:46
Speaker 1: And being back with her fine Mah, I asked one
0:50
Speaker 1: of our kids that question the other day. Lazy question
0:52
Speaker 1: and I got lazy answer. You know what she said
0:54
Speaker 1: to me. This was our ten year old. She goes, eh, mid,
0:58
Speaker 1: I was like, holy smokes.
1:00
Speaker 2: So often we ask questions so our kids just shrug off, yeah,
1:03
Speaker 2: totally nothing standard answers. So in our home we've been
1:08
Speaker 2: really really intentional about asking questions at dinner time.
1:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, our dinner conversations are some of my favorite discussions
1:14
Speaker 1: of the day.
1:15
Speaker 2: And we have six daughters, so we're never lacking for conversation. Actually,
1:20
Speaker 2: I've got a.
1:20
Speaker 1: Joke for you, yep, not I know where you're going
1:24
Speaker 1: with this. Who's there interrupting? Caw interrupting can So everyone
1:29
Speaker 1: else is laughing at that, I think, But for some context,
1:33
Speaker 1: this was a joke that we heard on The Victor
1:34
Speaker 1: of Dibley, like twenty five years ago or something like that.
1:38
Speaker 2: And it describes every dinner conversation in our house.
1:41
Speaker 1: There is it's rare that there are less than two
1:45
Speaker 1: people talking at anyone time, just six daughters. So much noise,
1:51
Speaker 1: so much conversation.
1:52
Speaker 2: So much so that we're now when my parents come
1:54
Speaker 2: to visit, they're used to having very very quiet, sedentary,
1:59
Speaker 2: very dates, and then they come to our house and
2:02
Speaker 2: they kind of get a headache when they sit at
2:04
Speaker 2: the dinner table with us. This is so much conversation.
2:07
Speaker 1: They've almost stopped coming to our house. Let's be honest.
2:10
Speaker 1: Good questions get great answers, and lazy questions get lazy answers.
2:14
Speaker 1: So kylie before we hit the questions and help everyone
2:18
Speaker 1: to fire up the conversations. The questions are not all
2:22
Speaker 1: dinner conversations. By the way, some of these are really
2:24
Speaker 1: personal and quite intimate questions that we've got for you today.
2:28
Speaker 1: But before we hit the questions, I want to share
2:31
Speaker 1: three evidence based reasons that these conversations matter.
2:35
Speaker 2: Are you trying to push in a doctor's desk?
2:38
Speaker 1: Not just it really matters. I mean, we've got I
2:41
Speaker 1: got a PhD answer in college, and I'll like to
2:43
Speaker 1: tell people that this stuff matters, all right. Number One,
2:45
Speaker 1: everyone loves talking to their kids. I mean, it's such
2:48
Speaker 1: a delight, it's such a thrill to ask them great questions.
2:50
Speaker 1: But we've got to know how to do it. First
2:52
Speaker 1: piece of research that matters here. This comes from Harvard
2:54
Speaker 1: Center on the Developing Child, Long and Channel research shows
2:57
Speaker 1: that supportive back and forth conversations one of the most
3:00
Speaker 1: powerful builders of executive function and emotional regulation in kids.
3:05
Speaker 1: So executive function is the ability to think things through,
3:08
Speaker 1: to delay gratification, to be planful and considered, to take
3:12
Speaker 1: other people's perspective. I mean, it's just having these conversations
3:16
Speaker 1: does so much for our children's brains, from the earliest
3:19
Speaker 1: ages right through into their teens and twenties. It's a
3:22
Speaker 1: profoundly important thing to do.
3:25
Speaker 2: We actually watched this play out so beautifully with our
3:29
Speaker 2: fourteen year old the other day. She's desperate to go
3:31
Speaker 2: on a free range horse ride.
3:34
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, So she's volunteering at Glenworth Valley on the
3:36
Speaker 1: New South Wales Central Coasts. She goes down there a
3:38
Speaker 1: couple times a year and just spends a couple of
3:41
Speaker 1: weeks looking after horses, and as part of the volunteer
3:45
Speaker 1: process she gets some free trail rides. But once you've
3:48
Speaker 1: been there long enough, they let you go on a
3:50
Speaker 1: trail ride all on your own. They call it free ranging.
3:52
Speaker 2: And she really wants to do this thing, but I
3:55
Speaker 2: just don't feel like she's ready for it yet. And
3:58
Speaker 2: she knew that asking mission to have me sign the
4:02
Speaker 2: authority form was a really big deal.
4:04
Speaker 1: When I was here, right Joel had just forged it,
4:07
Speaker 1: and so she.
4:07
Speaker 2: Came to me. She said, Mom, I'd really like to
4:09
Speaker 2: have a conversation with you about the opportunity to go
4:11
Speaker 2: free ranging. And I said, ah, I said, I don't
4:14
Speaker 2: think you're ready for that. And I was busy and
4:17
Speaker 2: I wasn't in a position to sit down with her
4:19
Speaker 2: at the time, And so she said I could see
4:21
Speaker 2: the emotion boiling up inside her. So she calmed herself
4:25
Speaker 2: down and she came back to me about five minutes later,
4:27
Speaker 2: and she said, I'd really like it if we could
4:28
Speaker 2: sit down and have an adult conversation about this, please, Mum.
4:32
Speaker 2: And I said okay. So I took some time to
4:35
Speaker 2: just kind of let her emotions set all a bit more,
4:38
Speaker 2: and then we sat down together and I said to her,
4:41
Speaker 2: tell me what you're thinking, and she said, I know
4:43
Speaker 2: this is a really big deal. She said, I recognized
4:47
Speaker 2: that there's danger involved and I haven't been writing for
4:50
Speaker 2: very long, and that it could be really hard for
4:54
Speaker 2: you to say yes. But I want you to know
4:55
Speaker 2: that these are the reasons why I think I should
4:57
Speaker 2: be allowed to do it. And so she talked through it,
5:00
Speaker 2: and I said, well, I'm going to need to talk
5:01
Speaker 2: to Doubt about it, and I probably actually I'm going
5:02
Speaker 2: to talk to your big sister who used to work there,
5:05
Speaker 2: and see if she's got a contact down there who's
5:07
Speaker 2: seen you ride, because at this point I don't have
5:09
Speaker 2: any visuals. I don't know what your writing ability is
5:13
Speaker 2: at the moment. I said, are you okay with that?
5:15
Speaker 2: And she said, yeah, that's fine. So I had the
5:17
Speaker 2: conversations and I came back to her and I said, look,
5:19
Speaker 2: I still don't feel comfortable with it, and she was
5:22
Speaker 2: really really upset, but she also recognized that this was
5:27
Speaker 2: important and that the way she responded was also important
5:31
Speaker 2: and would impact her capacity moving forward to have this opportunity.
5:36
Speaker 2: As a result of that, we were able to work
5:38
Speaker 2: out a way that she could actually do it, and
5:40
Speaker 2: her big sister's going to take her and she's so
5:42
Speaker 2: excited about it. But it was the maturity that she
5:46
Speaker 2: had because of the conversations we've had previously, that she
5:49
Speaker 2: was able to sit in that hard place and recognize
5:52
Speaker 2: that mom and dad love me enough that they're willing
5:55
Speaker 2: to go through this with.
5:56
Speaker 1: Me, even without being interrupting. I can't see and cow
6:00
Speaker 1: on the podcast. It sounds so bad. The second research
6:03
Speaker 1: factories and other than emotion regulation and executive function building,
6:07
Speaker 1: a Minnesota longer channel study of risk and adaptation found
6:10
Speaker 1: that children who experienced regular, meaningful conversations with parents showed
6:14
Speaker 1: significantly higher levels of emotional intelligence and stronger relationship skills
6:19
Speaker 1: in adulthood.
6:20
Speaker 2: Again, that conversation, it just played out so beautifully.
6:24
Speaker 1: Number three there was some of the research from Arizona
6:27
Speaker 1: State University. This is doctor Sania Luther who found that
6:31
Speaker 1: these conversations act as a protective factor against mental health challenges.
6:34
Speaker 1: This is so important to me that we emphasize this
6:38
Speaker 1: so much research from all around the world, not just
6:40
Speaker 1: this Arizona State University research shows that kids that are
6:43
Speaker 1: having regular, meaningful discussions with their parents are significantly less
6:46
Speaker 1: likely to have depression and anxiety during adolescents. In this
6:49
Speaker 1: particular research, forty eight percent lower rates of anxiety and depression.
6:53
Speaker 1: These big numbers. This is a really significant thing, and
6:55
Speaker 1: it basically comes down to my parents are available, my
6:59
Speaker 1: parents are willing to listen. My parents are engaging with
7:03
Speaker 1: me on stuff that matters to me. They care about me.
7:06
Speaker 1: It's the conversations that build resilience and help our children
7:10
Speaker 1: to thrive. So, Kylie, with that as background as to
7:13
Speaker 1: why this matters, why don't you run through the five
7:16
Speaker 1: questions that I've picked as the most important things we
7:19
Speaker 1: can talk to our kids as the year kicks off.
7:22
Speaker 2: Number one, what are some things that you're most excited
7:25
Speaker 2: about for twenty twenty five.
7:26
Speaker 1: So I put this question in here because when you
7:28
Speaker 1: ask kids, what they're looking forward to, what they're excited about.
7:31
Speaker 1: We build hope and optimism. Hope and optimism inoculate against
7:34
Speaker 1: depression and anxiety. Yesterday we talked about resetting for twenty
7:37
Speaker 1: twenty five on the pod, and that's what these kinds
7:41
Speaker 1: of questions do. What are you excited about? Gets you
7:43
Speaker 1: focused on where we're headed and creating new patterns and
7:46
Speaker 1: new ways of doing things.
7:47
Speaker 2: Number two, is there anything you're nervous or worried about
7:51
Speaker 2: for this year?
7:51
Speaker 1: This one's important. Probably not around the dinner table, because
7:55
Speaker 1: the dinner table should be a bit more light and fun,
7:57
Speaker 1: like what are you excited about? But maybe in the
7:58
Speaker 1: car or maybe bedtime. If you've picked up that your
8:02
Speaker 1: child is a little bit nervous because of any number
8:05
Speaker 1: of reasons. Inviting them to open up in an appropriate
8:08
Speaker 1: environment helps them to feel safe, that they get to
8:10
Speaker 1: feel this too, And then we can move from what's
8:13
Speaker 1: known as emotion focus coping, which is probably what our
8:15
Speaker 1: kids are doing. They're focused all about how they're feeling,
8:18
Speaker 1: and we can move to problem focus coping, which says,
8:20
Speaker 1: all right, let's develop some strategies, like as parents, it's
8:23
Speaker 1: not our job to do the strategy, but it is
8:25
Speaker 1: our job to support our kids as they develop the strategy,
8:27
Speaker 1: and this is a great question for allowing and facilitating that.
8:31
Speaker 2: Number three, What's something you'd love to learn or try
8:35
Speaker 2: this year?
8:36
Speaker 1: I just love this one for creating opportunities to support
8:38
Speaker 1: your kids and seeing them in large. We're so focused
8:41
Speaker 1: on helping our children to be happy, and I think
8:43
Speaker 1: that's the wrong focus. I know that's a really harsh
8:46
Speaker 1: and maybe even critical thing to say, but if you
8:49
Speaker 1: want your kids to be happy, just give them ice
8:51
Speaker 1: cream for breakfast, let them sleep into whenever they want,
8:53
Speaker 1: let them play video games. That makes them happy, right,
8:56
Speaker 1: Obviously that's hedonic happiness. It's short term, but happiness is
9:00
Speaker 1: a short term thing. I'm more interested in enlargement. How
9:03
Speaker 1: do I help my child to develop, to be enriched,
9:06
Speaker 1: to enlarge their own lives in the lives of others,
9:09
Speaker 1: And that question, what's something you'd love to learn or
9:11
Speaker 1: something you'd love to try this year is about enlargement
9:14
Speaker 1: and enrichment.
9:16
Speaker 2: Number four is probably my favorite. When do you feel
9:19
Speaker 2: most like you? Yeah?
9:21
Speaker 1: Why do you like that one? I've got some reasons myself,
9:23
Speaker 1: But why do you like that one?
9:24
Speaker 2: I just love it because in asking that question, you
9:28
Speaker 2: are literally giving them the opportunity for you to see
9:32
Speaker 2: all of them. It's such a It's a question that
9:37
Speaker 2: says I want to know you, I want to know
9:40
Speaker 2: all of you, And I just think that that's so
9:45
Speaker 2: enlarging and en daring to a relationship.
9:47
Speaker 1: I was going to talk about identity development and friendship
9:50
Speaker 1: and understanding hobbies and things, but I like your answer
9:52
Speaker 1: way more.
9:54
Speaker 2: And the fifth one, number five, what qualities do you
9:57
Speaker 2: admire in others and which ones would you like to
10:00
Speaker 2: develop in yourself? I love this one too.
10:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, go ahead, I love this one too.
10:04
Speaker 2: Because I think it's really important for us to have
10:07
Speaker 2: conversations around the positive attributes of others. It's really helpful
10:13
Speaker 2: for our kids to be able to look outside themselves.
10:15
Speaker 2: We've given them an opportunity to be introspective, and now
10:18
Speaker 2: this is an opportunity for them to actually look outside
10:20
Speaker 2: of themselves, recognize and acknowledge the goodness in others, and
10:26
Speaker 2: then how they can implement those qualities in themselves.
10:30
Speaker 1: That's a really really healthy attribute to have to see
10:33
Speaker 1: the goodness in others without envy and jealousy, but rather
10:37
Speaker 1: to just appreciate great people in their lives.
10:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's cultivating gratefulness.
10:42
Speaker 1: After the break, how how we're supposed to get these
10:45
Speaker 1: conversations working, especially when the kids are a little reluctant
10:48
Speaker 1: to open up, Kylie, Let's talk about two basic and
10:58
Speaker 1: practical ways to get these five conversations working. In fact,
11:03
Speaker 1: regardless whether it's these five questions or any other questions
11:05
Speaker 1: that you want to have with your kids, I think
11:08
Speaker 1: that there are two things that every parent needs to know.
11:10
Speaker 1: Parents will often say to me, I asked my kids
11:12
Speaker 1: how their day was, and they don't give me anything.
11:14
Speaker 1: They say merh or it was fine, as we mentioned
11:16
Speaker 1: at the start of the podcast, and I think that
11:18
Speaker 1: it has a lot to do with the two things
11:20
Speaker 1: that I want to discuss now. The first is timing
11:22
Speaker 1: and the second is technique. Let's talk timing. You and
11:26
Speaker 1: I have talked about this a lot in our home.
11:28
Speaker 2: We've used the example of asking the kids how their
11:30
Speaker 2: day was. Generally speaking, we either do that as soon
11:34
Speaker 2: as they get in the car or as soon as
11:36
Speaker 2: they walk in the door after.
11:37
Speaker 1: School, right, And the example that I always use when
11:39
Speaker 1: I'm running my workshops is when you walk in the
11:42
Speaker 1: door after a long day at work, or when you
11:45
Speaker 1: jump into the car after a long day at work
11:47
Speaker 1: and there's somebody with you who says, hey, how was
11:49
Speaker 1: your day. Do you have a look at them and say,
11:51
Speaker 1: I'm so glad you asked let me tell you all
11:52
Speaker 1: about it. No, of course not. Everyone looks at me.
11:55
Speaker 1: And last, when I say it in a workshop, they're like,
11:57
Speaker 1: oh no. When I walk in the door, I'm just like,
11:59
Speaker 1: let me breathe, give me a minute, I need to recalibrate.
12:02
Speaker 1: Let me like. As adults, when do we feel like talking.
12:06
Speaker 2: When the pressure is off, when there's food.
12:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right, something in my belly, and preferably when
12:11
Speaker 1: I'm either sitting down or laying down, and so we're
12:14
Speaker 1: having the conversations at the right time. After school doesn't work,
12:17
Speaker 1: and when we're in a flap or a fluster or
12:19
Speaker 1: they are, it doesn't work.
12:21
Speaker 2: So for us, the times that have actually worked the
12:22
Speaker 2: best around the dinner table. If we get things right
12:26
Speaker 2: and we have a stress free meal at dinner time,
12:31
Speaker 2: the conversation doesn't stop. It's wonderful.
12:34
Speaker 1: And we've created that over the many years of saying
12:37
Speaker 1: what were you're grateful for today? What made you feel
12:39
Speaker 1: great today? Who were you kind to today? Who did
12:41
Speaker 1: you help today? Who helped you today? How did you
12:44
Speaker 1: show some self control today? How did you demonstrate whatever
12:49
Speaker 1: it is? What did you achieve today?
12:50
Speaker 2: Yeah?
12:51
Speaker 1: What's the thing you learned? By asking these questions at
12:52
Speaker 1: the dinner table when everyone's feeling good, they've got food,
12:54
Speaker 1: and everybody's taking their turn. It's taught the kids to
12:58
Speaker 1: really really I mean, they've become some of the most
13:00
Speaker 1: cherished parts of our day.
13:03
Speaker 2: And then the second time, actually, to our disappointment, sometimes
13:08
Speaker 2: is actually bedtime. We're ready to close our eyes, and
13:11
Speaker 2: the kids just want to keep talking.
13:14
Speaker 1: Question again.
13:15
Speaker 2: They feel safe, Yeah, they feel connected and they want
13:19
Speaker 2: to share. Our kids want to share with us. But
13:22
Speaker 2: just picking the wrong times.
13:23
Speaker 1: I didn't mean to talk over you, but bedtime has
13:25
Speaker 1: become the wrong time for us, because now that we've
13:28
Speaker 1: got kids who are in their teens and older, with
13:30
Speaker 1: the exception of Emily, our youngest, we go to bed
13:33
Speaker 1: before them all. Now we're officially that old, they're officially
13:36
Speaker 1: that young or that old or whatever it is, and
13:38
Speaker 1: we can't keep up. We can't stay up, so we
13:40
Speaker 1: try to have our conversations not at bedtime. But when
13:43
Speaker 1: you've got younger kids, bedtime is just oh, it's sacred,
13:47
Speaker 1: isn't it. I don't know, it's just the best. We've
13:51
Speaker 1: also created some other traditions around outside of dinner time.
13:55
Speaker 1: Just going for a walk with the kids is something
13:59
Speaker 1: so good about for a walk and having a chat
14:01
Speaker 1: with no agenda. And we've talked about this in the
14:03
Speaker 1: pod before, but I've developed a stronger relationship, specifically with
14:07
Speaker 1: our son in law by having regular breakfast chats. So
14:11
Speaker 1: I take him out for breakfast once a month, though
14:13
Speaker 1: actually I've been pretty slack lately. It's been a lot
14:15
Speaker 1: less than that. But we used to go up for
14:16
Speaker 1: breakfast once a month, and I'm going to start again
14:18
Speaker 1: this weekend to have breakfast chats where there's no agenda,
14:22
Speaker 1: but we're just enjoying being in one other's company and
14:24
Speaker 1: eating good food. Food seems to go a hand in
14:27
Speaker 1: hand with conversation a lot when it comes to timing,
14:29
Speaker 1: so timing car drives, family walks, bedtime, breakfast, that sort
14:33
Speaker 1: of thing. So that's timing. The second one is technique, Kylie.
14:38
Speaker 1: There's a saying that girls do things face to face
14:40
Speaker 1: and boys do things side by side. I think the
14:43
Speaker 1: girls are much more likely to have face to face conversations.
14:45
Speaker 1: But even as a dad of six daughters, I've discovered
14:48
Speaker 1: that our daughters are pretty happy to have side by
14:50
Speaker 1: side conversations a lot as well. They seem to do
14:53
Speaker 1: really well with both.
14:54
Speaker 2: I think that when you're having difficult conversations in general,
14:58
Speaker 2: I don't think it's just kids. I think that in general,
15:00
Speaker 2: we actually handle the conversations better if we're actually doing
15:04
Speaker 2: something side by side. So whether it's gardening where we're
15:08
Speaker 2: just you know, pulling some weeds together, we're side by side,
15:11
Speaker 2: we're going for a walk along the beach, we're riding
15:14
Speaker 2: our bikes. Just times where we can do something together
15:21
Speaker 2: that doesn't require brain power but enables us to not
15:25
Speaker 2: have to think entirely about the words that we're saying.
15:29
Speaker 1: There's a principal, Kylie that I think is a really
15:32
Speaker 1: powerful technique. Once you get the children talking, you've asked
15:34
Speaker 1: them a good question, they're opening up, they're sharing. It's
15:37
Speaker 1: called the weight principal wait, and weight is an acronym
15:41
Speaker 1: for why am I talking. If you open your mouth
15:44
Speaker 1: when your children are talking, you need to shut it
15:46
Speaker 1: again and just ask yourself, why am I talking? Because
15:48
Speaker 1: this is their opportunity. When I wrote my book Misconnection,
15:52
Speaker 1: Why your teenage daughter hates you, expects the world and
15:54
Speaker 1: needs to talk. The overwhelming response I got from girls
15:57
Speaker 1: when I said what do you want your parents to know?
16:00
Speaker 1: Was I just need you to listen. So using silence,
16:04
Speaker 1: effectively pausing when they've stopped talking, maintaining the silence so
16:10
Speaker 1: that they can add more information, It can be so
16:14
Speaker 1: so so important.
16:16
Speaker 2: The next one is following up with tell me more,
16:18
Speaker 2: Get curious. When our kids have things to tell us,
16:21
Speaker 2: get curious, ask them what can you tell me more
16:24
Speaker 2: about this?
16:25
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, And they love it. They're like, oh my goodness,
16:27
Speaker 1: my parents are truly listening.
16:29
Speaker 2: And lastly, don't try and solve their problems unless.
16:32
Speaker 1: They actually ask right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:34
Speaker 2: They just want you to listen.
16:35
Speaker 1: Exactly, And when they do have a problem, going back
16:38
Speaker 1: to what I was talking about before, you can facilitate
16:40
Speaker 1: their problem solving by saying, well, that sounds like a
16:42
Speaker 1: pretty tricky situation. What do you think would be the
16:44
Speaker 1: best way forward? If they say I don't know, you say, oh, well,
16:47
Speaker 1: I'm here for you. If you have any ideas, and
16:49
Speaker 1: if you need any ideas, let me know and I'll
16:51
Speaker 1: be glad to help out. So those are five useful
16:54
Speaker 1: questions and two really powerful strategies. Timing is everything and
16:58
Speaker 1: getting your technique right to have helpful, positive conversations with
17:02
Speaker 1: your children. We will put those questions into the show notes.
17:05
Speaker 1: Hopefully you've noticed our new and improved show notes this year.
17:08
Speaker 1: We've been working very hard on them for the last
17:10
Speaker 1: well two days. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by
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Speaker 1: leave those five star ratings and reviews, it makes it
17:21
Speaker 1: easier for other people to find the podcast. Really genuinely
17:24
Speaker 1: makes the difference go hard with the five stars to
17:27
Speaker 1: a brand new year. We'd love your help with that.
17:29
Speaker 1: A five star rating and review would help so much.
17:33
Speaker 1: If you'd like to know more about making your family happy,
17:35
Speaker 1: we've got all the resources that you need. Please visit
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Speaker 1: us at happyfamilies dot com dot au