Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Beyond The Roses | Red Flags, Green Flags & Beige Flags: Learning to Read the Signs

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Beyond The Roses | Red Flags, Green Flags & Beige Flags: Learning to Read the Signs · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

• 0:16
  Welcome back to Rise and Thrive with Doctor J Nicole.
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  And I'm your host, Doctor J Nicole.
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  And today we are officially opening the conversation to what
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  I'm calling the runway to the month of love.
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  February gets all of the attention, The roses, the
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  dinners, the captions, the pictures.
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  But January, January is where clarity lives.
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  So before we talk about the love letters, relationships and
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  romance, next month we're going to slow it down and talk about
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  discernment. Because love without discernment
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  turns into confusion. And confusion is expensive in
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  many ways. And more than anything, it's
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  expensive emotionally. So today's episode is about red
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  flags, green flags, and yes, even beige flags.
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  Not to judge, not to shame, but to see clearly.
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  And throughout this episode and for the rest of the month, I'll
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  be inviting you to send in your letters.
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  I want real dating questions, real situations, real.
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  Am I tripping or is this a sign? Moments.
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  I'll be reading and responding to them all throughout February.
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  So let's get into it. What flags really are.
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  So let's start here. A flag is not a personality
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  trait. A flag is a pattern.
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  And a red flag in particular, you know we hear a lot about
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  that one, right? It isn't, Oh, they were late
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  once. A red flag is they're
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  consistently laid and dismissive when it's mentioned.
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  So it's not just about the lateness lateness, it's about
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  their response to being held accountable, but about the
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  lateness. Now, a green flag, this isn't,
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  they said, the right thing one time.
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  The green flag is the consistency over time.
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  Pretty simple, right? And then you have the beige
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  flags. Beige flags, they're not toxic,
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  they're not harmful, but they are data.
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  They are important information. Those beige flags tell you, this
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  might not be aligned with me. That beige flag is that thing
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  that gives you a little bit of pause, that thing that makes
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  your eyebrow go up, or that thing that just doesn't settle
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  right? Does that make sense?
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  So let me give you an example page flag.
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  So like they're kind, but they're emotionally unavailable.
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  It's so like you want to engage with them.
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  There's not a clear no, but it's like you don't quite know where
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  you stand, right? So like they're stable, but you
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  feel like you're doing all of the emotional labor and there's
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  nothing wrong with it. It just isn't right and it may
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  not meet your needs and where you are right now.
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  So here's the key. You don't need a villain to
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  choose differently. And I think a lot of times we
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  lose a lot of our time and we invest emotionally with people
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  who are kind, but they may not truly be available for what we
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  desire. And there's almost like this
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  notion like they have to be the awful person for you to not give
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  them a chance for that classic. Oh, well, you never know.
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  You should give it a try, right? And then before you know it,
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  you're locked in with this personally person emotionally,
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  and you're not quite getting your needs met.
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  Something's missing. And it's not all bad.
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  You'll connect with them. You'll have a great time with
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  them, but they'll be something missing.
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  OK, so let's shift a little bit and we're going to talk about
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  common red flags that sometimes we explain away.
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  Have you ever heard anybody say, oh, they're just busy?
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  Oh, they just, you know, she's just a little bit guarded.
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  They've been hurt before that they've been hurt before.
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  Oh baby, that got me in so much trouble, y'all, And it cost me
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  many years of my life. And when you know better, you do
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  better. And also understand these things
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  could be very true. Just because somebody might be
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  busy guarded or they've been hurt before, that doesn't
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  disqualify them. However, the context matters and
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  how they show up matters. Compassion matters.
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  And patterns, they matter more. Like I said, patterns are data.
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  People show you who they are. They also tell you who they are.
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  Are you listening? Are you watching?
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  And I'm not saying this to say you have to like be on guard and
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  keep your head on swivel, but pay attention to how you feel in
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  your body when you're with people, when you're experiencing
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  things with people. And one of the most common
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  modern red flags is that we we get caught up in that intense
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  chemistry. But you have to understand that
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  intense chemistry with no follow through is really just
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  inconsistent communication that leaves you anxious is big talk,
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  small effort, They don't follow through.
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  Or it could be avoidance disguised as independence, which
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  makes you feel like you're asking for too much when you
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  really just seek and desire clarity.
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  And here's a hard truth said gently.
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  If someone requires constant interpretation, it usually isn't
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  healthy. It's not because that means that
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  there's a lack of clarity. Now I do also want to encourage
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  you to ask if you're not asking for the clarity, that's a
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  different versus asking for the clarity and continuing to get
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  vague responses or they avoid or they pivot shift topic or
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  sometimes they use gestures or even affection gifts to also
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  throw you off. And this can, for some people,
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  be a familiar pattern if you've experienced inconsistency
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  earlier in your life, whether in prior romantic relationships,
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  dating with your parents, within your friendships.
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  And we'll talk more in Part 3 of this series about attachment in
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  dating. And how about how that shows up
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  and how, yeah. And impacts the way that we
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  date. And sometimes we repeat patterns
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  from prior seasons of our lives without recognizing that that's
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  what we're doing. And so we can find ourselves
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  reliving trauma. It's different players, but it's
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  or different actors and actresses, but the same script.
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  And it ends sort of in the same way.
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  And you deserve someone where there's chemistry, where there's
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  follow through, where there's consistency, where you feel
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  calm, your nervous system is at ease, they talk big and the
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  effort matches right. They or you want them to under
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  promise and over deliver. If nothing else, you deserve to
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  feel like what you're asking for isn't too much.
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  That is just enough. And the person that's for you,
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  they won't feel that way and just know that peace doesn't
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  require decoding. OK, so now let's talk about our
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  own flags. Yes, you, you got flags too.
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  Even if you're not always the one carrying the obvious green
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  flags, you have your own flags. Because maturity is realizing.
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  I also bring patterns into relationships, right?
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  So some self-awareness questions that'll help you.
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  What do I excuse early that I resent later?
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  So this is where you're going to go back and look through your
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  own relationship data. You know what you live through
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  and it's easy to make others the villain without just looking at
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  the role that you play. They could have been a villain,
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  but you could have also been a culprit in the situation and
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  things that going the way that you like.
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  So what do I excuse early that I resent later?
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  Now this one is tough Y'all cause self abandonment in
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  relationships is a real thing. So you have to ask where do I
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  abandoned myself to keep connection?
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  I know they're just here for somebody.
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  So what does self abandonment look like?
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  That's saying yes when you really mean no.
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  That looks like 4 boundaries or a lack of boundaries.
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  It looks like overextending in relationship.
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  It looks like over performing to be loved, feeling like you have
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  to earn love, that it has to be hard.
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  It doesn't have to be hard. It does require commitment
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  because love is a choice and love is an action.
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  So don't confuse action with it having to be hard.
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  OK. All right.
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  The next self-awareness question, do I confuse intensity
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  with intimacy? Now, that's the one, right?
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  Because a lot of people feel like it just isn't hidden.
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  You don't have that thing. And that's the chemistry that
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  people are looking for. And chemistry alone is not
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  sustainable. It's just not sustainable.
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  I'm not saying don't look for chemistry.
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  That's a very important thing, but you need intensity as well
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  as intimacy. All right, this next one and I
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  these are tough questions. I know.
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  Do I stay longer than necessary hoping someone will change?
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  Let that sink in. And I want to also be clear that
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  this is not about self blame. This is just really taking stock
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  of yourself, your own behaviors, doing your own personal
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  inventory and relationships so that you get what you desire.
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  Because sometimes there are some things that you are
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  unconsciously in agreement with that leads to some of the
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  outcomes that you experience in relationships.
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  So this is about just being honest with yourself.
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  And if you can't be honest with yourself, what does that look
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  like in relationships, right? Like, are you going to be able
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  to be honest with them and the relationship?
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  It's so important that you can do this work first, right?
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  Because remember, this is the runway.
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  We're getting you ready for February.
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  We're getting you ready for love.
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  And finally, growth begins when we stop asking what did I do and
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  why did they do this and start asking, why do I tolerate it?
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  OK, so that's what I mean. When there's a part on the other
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  side of it, they do a thing, and then you do a thing and your
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  thing determines what happens next.
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  You are in control of your own reaction.
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  And if your reaction doesn't hold someone accountable when
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  they crossed your boundaries, if you don't express it, there's
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  not consequences. There's not acknowledgement of
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  it. Well, you've essentially told
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  them it's OK for you to treat me the way you treat me.
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  You've told them that you are in agreement with this experience
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  that you've had. And sometimes it's fear that
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  keeps people from speaking. It fear all they're not going to
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  like me, fear they'll stop talking to me.
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  They'll get upset with me. So that in of its own says that
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  you're trying to avoid your allowing toxic behavior to avoid
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  further toxic behavior. So essentially you're signing up
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  for a toxic relationship without even knowing it in the
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  beginning. And if you've had so much of
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  that intensity, that intense chemistry, oh man, you're
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  essentially you like, you, like you like high on love hormones,
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  right? Like you're wanting to preserve
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  that oxytocin, all those endorphins, the dopamine hits
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  that come with being in a new romantic situation.
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  I forget what year they did the study, but there was a study
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  that showed two brain scans, one of a person in love and the
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  other of a person on drugs. The brains were lit up in the
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  same places. There were slight differences,
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  but you could see that there was definitely a correlation between
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  the chemicals that are released in the body and what happens in
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  the brain with a person in love and a person on drugs.
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  And so if you found yourself tolerating behaviors that you,
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  you know, you really don't want to, you're just looking for that
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  next dopamine hit, that next oxytocin hit, that next VESA
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  processing hit for the fellas, all of that.
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  It's a thing, y'all. OK, so this is where you come
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  in, right? So all throughout February, I'm
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  going to be reading your dating and relationship letters on air
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  and responding to them. You can write in, whether it's
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  anonymous or named is completely your choice.
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  I want you to send in letters about experiences you've had,
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  about mixed signals, red flags you ignored, situation shifts,
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  dating after heartbreak, trying to date differently, but feeling
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  stuck. If you've ever said, I don't
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  know if I'm overthinking or overlooking something, this is
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  for you. I want you to write in.
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  I want to hear about your experiences and I want to help
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  you gain understanding to your patterns, your insight, and
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  just, you know, see if we can move you forward to healthier
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  relationships because February is for you.
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  So see submission details and the show notes, but you can also
• 15:27
  send them to info at Evolve a Doctor, J nicole.com.
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  You can send them to DMS on Instagram.
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  So I want to hear from you and more than anything, I want to
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  help you move closer to finding that love that you desire and
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  deserve. So make sure you send those in
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  as soon as possible. And as we close today, I just
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  want to leave you with this. Discernment is such a very
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  important part of dating. And discernment is not fear.
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  Discernment is about self respect.
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  It's about listening to your body, paying attention to what
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  you're feeling, what you're experiencing.
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  OK, clarity is not cold. Clarity is actually very kind.
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  And most of all, the clarity is kind to you so that you can make
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  an informed decision. And again, get the love that you
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  deserve and you desire. So next episode, we're going to
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  be talking about dating in the age of social media algorithms
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  and where attention looks like it's winning over intention.
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  But until then, I want you to remember you are allowed to
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  choose peace, even if it costs you chemistry.
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  You deserve peace and chemistry. Well, thank you for tuning in
• 16:48
  for another episode of Verizon Therapy.
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  Doctor Jan, Nicole, this special edition, this is called Before
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  the Roses to get you all ready for the month of February.
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  And I will be dropping special colors of merch.
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  Make sure you check it out. We're going to have them in Reds
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  and pinks. I'm also going to do something
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  very special for the month of January.
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  In addition to the Love colors, I will be releasing some special
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  editions dedicated to the Divine Nines of the National Panalytic
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  Council. They will be available tomorrow,
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  January 13th, in honor of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority
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  Incorporated Founders Day, of which I am a proud member.
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  Make sure you get your D9 Rise and Thrive merch.
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  It will be available for you starting January 13th.
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  And make sure you come back next week.
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  And we're going to be talking about dating in the digital age.
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  Keep rising in faith. Keep thriving in purpose.