Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / I Choose to Ask ... What Am I Feeling & What Do I Need with Adele House

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I Choose to Ask ... What Am I Feeling & What Do I Need with Adele House · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Hi everyone,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: the choices we make. So as we kick off this
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: new year, I'm really excited to ramp up into what
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: is going to be a great year for all of us,
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  Speaker 1: the Year of the Horse, which is my favorite animal.
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  Speaker 1: The Year of the Horse in Chinese astrology, he signifies energy, freedom, strength,
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  Speaker 1: and forward momentum with opportunities for bold action and for
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  Speaker 1: adventure and romance and personal growth. Oh my gosh, it
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: sounds amazing. I love the sound of that, but I
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  Speaker 1: do know that it's so much more meaningful and fun
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  Speaker 1: if you have someone to walk beside you on that journey.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: So my dear friend Adele House is in the house
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: with me today. She taught me what trust is and
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  Speaker 1: so much more about learning to trust myself. Adele began
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  Speaker 1: as my very first personal assistant way you back when
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  Speaker 1: when I was eighteen years old, I think, and has
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: become a lifer, meaning I won't let her go. She
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  Speaker 1: can't she can't escape me. She's also become a very
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  Speaker 1: successful therapist, which has worked out in my favor all
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  Speaker 1: these years. Getting so much free counseling. Don't tell anyone,
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  Speaker 1: but you are about to receive some of that too.
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  Speaker 1: Today we're going to get into a little resetting. We're
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: going to talk about how exactly to do that, how
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  Speaker 1: to stop ourselves from spinning out and getting comfortable choosing
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  Speaker 1: ourselves with clarity and intention. So, without further ado, welcome back.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Adele Hi, Jenny, Hi, mama him.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: So good to see you.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I love seeing you on my computer. If that's how
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  Speaker 1: I have to do it, I'd like to see in
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  Speaker 1: person contint. But things are crazy. I mean, it's the
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  Speaker 1: new year. This already feels like there's so much going on.
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  Speaker 1: And since we are kind of still kicking off this
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  Speaker 1: new year, what are some questions we can ask ourselves
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  Speaker 1: or maybe even our therapist that can help us get
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  Speaker 1: this new year off to a great start.
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  Speaker 2: Well that's a great question. So I think what I
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  Speaker 2: love about the question itself is that you're already thinking
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  Speaker 2: in terms of personal responsibility and that we have free
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  Speaker 2: will to create whatever we want for ourselves. Right, and
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  Speaker 2: so to start a new year like that, to think
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  Speaker 2: about how do I want to start this year? How
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  Speaker 2: do I want to move through this year? Taking the stock.
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  Speaker 2: You know, a lot of us use the New year
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  Speaker 2: to take stock. I'm a fan of taking stock anytime regularly.
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  Speaker 2: But I know, but taking.
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  Speaker 1: Stock is so hard because you have to stop your
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  Speaker 1: brain from doing all the things that it wants to
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  Speaker 1: be doing and get quiet enough that you can actually
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  Speaker 1: hear yourself.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the goal for you, right. I think
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  Speaker 2: your brain is so busy, right, It's so fast moving,
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  Speaker 2: you are so creative, you have so many thoughts, and
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  Speaker 2: it also gets you into trouble when you aren't trained
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  Speaker 2: to have to slow it down. But as you continue
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  Speaker 2: to get better at this and slow your brain down,
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  Speaker 2: it won't be so hard to take stock at any moment.
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  Speaker 1: Right.
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  Speaker 2: If you are taking breaths, being right here, right now
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  Speaker 2: in a moment, right, it's so much easier to just
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  Speaker 2: ask yourself what am I feeling right now? And what
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  Speaker 2: do I need right now? And meeting that need?
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  Speaker 1: How do I do that?
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  Speaker 2: It's funny because I tell all my clients you are
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  Speaker 2: done with therapy when you can answer those two questions
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  Speaker 2: and meet the need.
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  Speaker 1: What am I feeling and what do I need?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: That's it?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so let's try it.
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  Speaker 1: What do you feel you guys, this is like a
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  Speaker 1: little mini therapy sessions.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, we're fun and there's no right answer. What are
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  Speaker 2: you feeling?
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  Speaker 1: What am I feeling? Yeah, I'm feeling, like I said,
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  Speaker 1: very excited for all it's to come in this brand
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  Speaker 1: new year, Like it seems like time flies, but as
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  Speaker 1: when you start at the beginning of the time that's
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  Speaker 1: going to be flying and you kind of map it
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  Speaker 1: out a little bit. I've been feeling like I need
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  Speaker 1: to map things out a little bit better for myself.
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  Speaker 1: I've been I've been feeling like I need to get
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  Speaker 1: a little more organized in my brain about month to
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  Speaker 1: month this year, what's going to happen? What do I
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  Speaker 1: want from you know, each sort of season. But I
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  Speaker 1: have not been able to slow myself enough.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, to do that first step. You just told me
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  Speaker 2: a lot about thoughts. You didn't tell me about what
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  Speaker 2: you're feeling. Oh right, it's harder.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed. Yeah, I'm feeling like
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling almost mad at myself because I haven't yet
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  Speaker 1: been able to check in, and I keep saying to myself,
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  Speaker 1: I need to check in. I need to make a resolution,
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  Speaker 1: I need to you know, do my vision board or
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  Speaker 1: whatever it is. And I haven't taken the time for myself. Hi,
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  Speaker 1: this is not good. I'm hearing it as I'm saying it.
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  Speaker 1: I haven't put myself first. I haven't chosen myself enough
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  Speaker 1: to do that.
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  Speaker 2: I think you're you know, your tendency is to overachieve. Right,
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  Speaker 2: you have from a very young age been successful and
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  Speaker 2: also taken care of a lot of people. So there's
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  Speaker 2: been a weight and a responsibility on you since you
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  Speaker 2: were very young. You still carry that with you. And
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  Speaker 2: in that answer that you just gave me, I heard
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  Speaker 2: nineteen year old Jenny, right, and twenty five year old Jenny,
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  Speaker 2: and thirty five year old Jenny, and here she is
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  Speaker 2: still showing up at fifty three year old Jenny. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that's right. Okay, it's too much like I got dizzy
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  Speaker 2: when you were telling me everything. And so the first
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  Speaker 2: thing I would say to you was smaller bites, Right,
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  Speaker 2: Just what am I feeling? Once you answer it? What
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  Speaker 2: do I need? So what I heard was I'm feeling overwhelmed.
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  Speaker 2: Let's leave it there, okay. So, because you are so
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  Speaker 2: good at taking care of people and learning how to
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  Speaker 2: take care of yourself if you are feeling overwhelmed, how
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  Speaker 2: would you answer, what do I need?
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  Speaker 1: Well, I would I would say I need more quiet
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  Speaker 1: time to sit with my thoughts.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, let's leave it there, right, don't overload your brain
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  Speaker 2: or the answers. Okay, how do you meet that need?
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  Speaker 2: Because no one's doing it for you.
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  Speaker 1: Nobody is helping me with that.
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  Speaker 2: Tell us what it looks like to find that quiet
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  Speaker 2: time for yourself.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, it looks like no phone, no computer, no
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  Speaker 1: answering emails and texts. It looks like I do block
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  Speaker 1: out time, like take a bath at the end of
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  Speaker 1: my day. But even then I'm just trying to turn
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  Speaker 1: my brain off.
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  Speaker 2: So small bites of quiet time would be just tell me,
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  Speaker 2: like what a five minute version of that would be.
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  Speaker 1: I would just reconnect to my breathing, honestly, because when
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  Speaker 1: I do start to get out of control or overwhelmed
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  Speaker 1: or anxious, That's what I've learned to do, is like
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  Speaker 1: check into my box breathing for just a few moments
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  Speaker 1: and it kind of usually will reset.
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  Speaker 2: Right, and it takes what two minutes, right, yep. So
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  Speaker 2: in small bites I'm feeling what am I feeling? I'm
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  Speaker 2: feeling overwhelmed. What do I need? I need a quiet
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  Speaker 2: moment for myself that usually in two minutes could be
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  Speaker 2: a box breathing, and then I feel better. You can
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  Speaker 2: do that series of things for yourself. You are going
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  Speaker 2: to prevent spinning out. You're going to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Right,
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  Speaker 2: You're you're basically your body is talking to you all
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  Speaker 2: day long, and it's saying to you what you need,
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  Speaker 2: but also knowing you all these years. You know, there's
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  Speaker 2: there's a swatting away of that, right, and again you've
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  Speaker 2: come so far.
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  Speaker 1: What do you mean, like get away?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, like a fly. Yes, it starts to creep in
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  Speaker 2: and your body's saying hi, it's doing a little knock, right,
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  Speaker 2: and you're like, no, I don't have time for that.
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  Speaker 2: I can't do that. I have too many people to
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  Speaker 2: take care of. I have too much work to do. Well,
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  Speaker 2: there's a swat, but your body's already saying to you, like,
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  Speaker 2: hey girl, listen, So what am I feeling? What do
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  Speaker 2: I need? Meeting the need and the mastery of that
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  Speaker 2: is several times a day. Yeah, right, and all in all,
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  Speaker 2: maybe you're taking twenty one minutes away from a work
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  Speaker 2: day or a family day or you know what I mean.
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  Speaker 1: It's yeah, it's it's the small things, I think, because yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you get caught up in.
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  Speaker 2: Fixing it all, yes, and you're the queen of that
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  Speaker 2: because you're really good at fixing stuff. And you know,
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  Speaker 2: we might want to wonder why, you know why you
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  Speaker 2: I think you get something out of fixing too, and
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  Speaker 2: being a great mom and being a great worker and
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  Speaker 2: being a great partner. I mean, that's been you your
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  Speaker 2: entire life.
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  Speaker 1: I was just born with a very strong work ethic.
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  Speaker 1: No matter what the work is, I try to do
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  Speaker 1: everything the best that I can.
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  Speaker 2: But there's a way to have a great work ethic
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  Speaker 2: and do everything the best you can while taking really
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  Speaker 2: good care of yourself and not overdoing whatever that means,
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  Speaker 2: over caring for over showing up, over I always think
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  Speaker 2: about you around the holidays and how when we were younger,
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  Speaker 2: especially like if I would be Christmas shopping with you
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  Speaker 2: and stuff, you always you would get some nice, lovely
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  Speaker 2: thing for someone and you're like, I don't think it's enough.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it's enough, and you'd go and buy
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  Speaker 2: two or three more things. I'm like, you, really, this
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  Speaker 2: is a beautiful sentiment, but you over deliver.
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  Speaker 1: I think, honestly, I've gotten better about that because one
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  Speaker 1: of my Christmas presents this year was a spoon. I
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  Speaker 1: got somebody a spoon.
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  Speaker 2: I love it. I love it. You should. You should
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  Speaker 2: remember that spoon as like, okay, a sense of pride? Right,
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  Speaker 2: how did it go? How did the spoon giving go?
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  Speaker 1: He loved it. It had it had a message written
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  Speaker 1: on the spoon. So every time you eat, you see
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  Speaker 1: that message. It said you are loved. And I just
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  Speaker 1: wanted her to remember that every time she sees the spoon,
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  Speaker 1: which hopefully is every day.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, let's now carry that spoon with you that when
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  Speaker 2: you start swatting away, you pick up your spoon and
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  Speaker 2: you go small bites, don't over deliver. You are enough.
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  Speaker 2: I am enough. Right.
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  Speaker 1: It's so weird that you just said small bites because
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  Speaker 1: one of my things this year has been taking smaller
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  Speaker 1: bites when I eat.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, isn't that crazy interesting?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: I mean I love That's all related. Right, it's slowing
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  Speaker 2: down and being present with your food. Right. I was
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: thinking about you, knowing that we were doing this podcast today,
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  Speaker 2: and I was thinking about you and how you want
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: to do it all and you want to be present
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  Speaker 2: for it all, and you over and you do over deliver.
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  Speaker 2: And I was thinking that I wanted to ask you
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  Speaker 2: over your lifetime when you chose not to over deliver
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  Speaker 2: and you just gave us a beautiful example. Do you
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  Speaker 2: have regrets? Did it change the course of your life
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  Speaker 2: and your success as a human being? Not as a
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  Speaker 2: financial breadwinner but as a It made.
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  Speaker 1: Me feel inadequate a little bit like I had failed
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  Speaker 1: because it was just a spoon, and it felt silly
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  Speaker 1: and trivial. H But when well, I didn't put I
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  Speaker 1: don't know, I don't I just felt like it wasn't enough.
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  Speaker 1: But when she opened it and I saw her reaction
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  Speaker 1: to it, this is my beautiful friend, Maya, I realized
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  Speaker 1: that it was meaningful to her. So I could stop
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  Speaker 1: right there and just be okay giving her that spoon
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  Speaker 1: and kind of let myself off the hook.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, maybe you've been lying to yourself all these years.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe absolutely, you know what, there's one hundred percent that
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  Speaker 1: I've beenligned to myself all these years.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe you were never a failure, Maybe you were always enough.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe I'm always just trying to do my best and
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  Speaker 1: that is enough.
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  Speaker 2: Right.
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  Speaker 1: It's so crazy that I have this podcast all about
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  Speaker 1: choosing yourself, and all I want to do is spread
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  Speaker 1: that message to women everywhere and teach them in the
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  Speaker 1: importance of choosing themselves as a form of self care.
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  Speaker 1: But this is the greatest part about it, because I
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  Speaker 1: too struggle with choosing myself. I have to be I
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  Speaker 1: have to be reminded of it. I have to be
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  Speaker 1: supported by my community, by my best friend, by my husband,
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  Speaker 1: by my daughters to remind me to you know, sort
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  Speaker 1: of practice what I preach, or walk the walk, because
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  Speaker 1: it's very easy for me, me to not choose myself.
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  Speaker 2: That's exactly right. And look, you've been doing it and
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  Speaker 2: you have been growing and evolving and changing over these
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  Speaker 2: last couple of years with this podcast, and you've been
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  Speaker 2: giving dropping incredible gifts to people. And it's a practice. Right.
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  Speaker 2: I've been a therapist for over twenty years. It's still
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  Speaker 2: a practice for me. I wake up sometimes in my
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  Speaker 2: mind immediately start spinning of like Goda, Goda got it,
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  Speaker 2: and then I go, who whoa, whoa? What are you
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  Speaker 2: grateful for?
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  Speaker 1: Right, Stern, That's a perfect way to stop that overachieving
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  Speaker 1: kind of mind, Yeah, go into gratitude.
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  Speaker 2: But thank you. I just say thank you, and then
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, well, who am I thinking? What am I
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  Speaker 2: thankful for? And then I get in this gratitude prayer.
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  Speaker 2: But I don't do it every day. I do it
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  Speaker 2: three or four days a week. But I don't beat
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  Speaker 2: myself up for missing three days. Okay.
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  Speaker 1: So I do have a question. How will we know
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  Speaker 1: when we're truly choosing ourselves, even in those small, everyday moments.
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  Speaker 1: How will we know we're doing it right?
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  Speaker 2: It's an interesting idea. I think it relates to what
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  Speaker 2: am I feeling and what do I need and meeting
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  Speaker 2: that need, because when you know that you can do that,
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  Speaker 2: then you are choosing yourself. And when you're saying also,
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  Speaker 2: when you're I think there's another thing it's inside your body.
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  Speaker 2: And when you are making choices throughout the day, you're
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  Speaker 2: saying yes to something, not to something, making a plan
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: or a plan's coming up, and there's something discordant inside
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  Speaker 2: of you. You know that feeling, you know, you know
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  Speaker 2: when you're like this doesn't feel right, or I don't
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: want to do this, or then you missed you missed
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  Speaker 2: an opportunity to actually tune in and choose yourself. And
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  Speaker 2: so you just use it as information. You put it
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  Speaker 2: in the information bucket, and you use it for next time.
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  Speaker 2: You don't beat yourself up. It's not a failure like failures.
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  Speaker 2: We got to talk more about this word failure with
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  Speaker 2: you too, Like I feel like that word even be
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  Speaker 2: in your vocabulary. Yeah, that's true. Relationships that don't work
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  Speaker 2: out aren't failures.
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  Speaker 1: No, it's so true. It's such an easy word to use,
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  Speaker 1: a default.
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  Speaker 2: Let's strike it for you.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: Strike it.
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  Speaker 2: Let's strike it. Let's spoot it up and throw it out.
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  Speaker 1: On the show pit, which I love. Noah Wiley was
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: telling some a brother and sister as they were losing
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  Speaker 1: their father that there are four things you only four
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  Speaker 1: things you need to say it at the end of
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  Speaker 1: someone's life. And it made me think that when he
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: said those four things, I thought, those are four things
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  Speaker 1: that we should say to ourselves every day. And here's
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: the four things. One is I love you, one is
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  Speaker 1: thank you, one is please forgive me, and one is
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  Speaker 1: I forgive you. So what have you turned those four
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  Speaker 1: questions into your self?
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  Speaker 2: I love that?
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, me too.
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  Speaker 2: What if it's a bedtime ritual? You know what if
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: you and your partner decide to do it together.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: Ooh, that sounds good. I like that idea. Okay, So
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: just one more thing I want to touch on because
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  Speaker 1: I like to remind people of this all the time.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: What is the thing about feeling guilty about choosing yourself?
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  Speaker 1: Why do we have that automatic in our brains of
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  Speaker 1: this feels selfish?
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  Speaker 2: You're a woman, I mean, right, like women were told
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: from as far back as we can remember, we should
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: be self less, right, we should care for everybody else
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  Speaker 2: first before ourselves. It's ingrained in us. It's ingrained by society,
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  Speaker 2: by politics, by family, by just gender identity. So number one,
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  Speaker 2: and I think you know, we have a responsibility in
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  Speaker 2: swallowing that, right, We have a responsibility in saying, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that's what I'm supposed to do, and maybe trying to
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  Speaker 2: unhook from that that, you know, especially if we're into
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: equality and egalitarian relationships, then then no, not any more
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  Speaker 2: than anyone else.
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  Speaker 1: Right, unhook from the narrative of being selfless.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And there is a big difference between self care
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: and selfish, which I know you've talked about on this podcast,
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: but it's always a good reminder. Am I being selfish
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: in this situation? Or am I taking care of myself?
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: And honestly, again, you have all the answers inside you,
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  Speaker 2: so to all your listeners and if we really tune
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: in and ask ourselves, am I being selfish in this moment?
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  Speaker 2: Or am I actually taking care of myself? I believe
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  Speaker 2: and guarantee that any person that's doing this work with you,
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: right that's following along in these podcasts, that's you know,
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: wants to choose themselves through self care, they know the answer.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: And trust yourself, right, don't second guess yourself even if
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: someone's telling you you're being selfish, that's on them, you know,
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: anxiety for being selfish or not. So a little more
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: self trust, a little more listening to yourself and tuning
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: in and just asking yourself, does this feel self? And
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: you'll know. Sometimes you might be like, you know, I
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: think I'm just being selfish because I feel like I
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: just don't want to do this right now, but I
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: can and it would feel good to me to be
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: of service in this way. Or no, I'm really taking
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: care of myself. I'm having some anxiety right now and
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: I don't want to go out and try to be
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: a social person, So I'm going to say no, thank
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: you maybe next year.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's a big thing for me. Is
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: disappointing someone.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: I think that's a huge thing for you. And you
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: have to be able to live with that too, because
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: sometimes we do disappoint people.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but what's more important, I think disappointing ourselves or
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: disappointing someone that we really don't know that's asking for
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: something or some time of yours. I think it's important
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: that we remember that disappointing ourselves would be a disservice
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: to ourselves.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: Even when you love right, even if it's your husband,
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: even if it's your kids and they're like, Mom, I
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: need you. I mean, obviously, Mom, I need you. You're
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: gonna run. You're an amazing mom. But you know, you
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: might disappoint Dave, you might disappoint a friend. You might
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: and and I hope you do sometimes do. I mean,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: because you have to live with it, and learning to
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: live with those feelings and self soothing through those feelings
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: is a great exercise in assuasion. Guilt.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Guilt.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: I don't know how helpful of an emotion it is.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Guilt. Yeah, yeah, I really don't see any value in it.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: Also another one we could strike for you, failure. I
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: feel like we could bury it this year.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Everybody listening, Let's try to ease up on the failure
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: talk and the self talk and the disappointing others is
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: a bad thing. Messaging, we get ourselves.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: They're human things, right, we all do it. They're part
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: of being human. We are going to fail at things.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: If you want to use that word again, it's not
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: really even in my vernacular, but we are and it's
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: part of being human. We're going to feel bad about
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: saying no sometimes it's part of being human. So actually
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: we're succeeding because we're being human.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: We'll listen to that. We're all succeeding at the end
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: of the day. If we're doing this kind of if
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: we're doing the work learning how to choose ourselves even
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: when it feels uncomfortable, then we're succeeding.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: Nailed it.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Will you come back? I'd love to, Okay, thank you
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: for today though I love you.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: It's fun. I love you too. I