Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / Who does the Downsizing?
Transcript
- Allison: how do we make the decision about ⁓ who is going to make the decisions? I mean, it's very complicated. Welcome to the Aging Parent Trap X podcast and YouTube channel. ⁓ I am Newland. I'm the broker owner of Platinum Properties of Florida in the Greater Tampa area. ⁓ And I'm with my two friends and colleagues, ⁓ Nikki Flynn Elite Preparation Services ⁓ and Julie with Generational Transitions. ⁓ And we've talked about the ⁓ well How to empty out the parents house our previous episode, like downsizing 40 years plus worth of stuff. ⁓ we talked about why we're doing it, how we're doing it, and all those kinds of things, but ⁓ we started to talk about the who. ⁓ who ⁓ it. And I'm just gonna drop it right there ⁓ someone can just jump in ⁓ the who part ⁓ that be mind blowing because it's really ⁓ Always an easy answer. Julie Cook: I agree with that completely. The who is never an easy answer because you have probably children, ⁓ who are trying to figure this out and typically you're gonna have the own well There's an only child, it's not so much a deal. But you're gonna have the oldest who normally is the take charge person. Even if they're not close, maybe even haven't seen mom or dad in a while, they still wanna be the take charge person. Then if you have somebody that's local who's seen mom and dad and seen what's happening, they're gonna have an opinion. So you have all these different opinions on what mom and dad need, don't need based on personalities. so yeah, it becomes kind of a jumbled up situation. Yeah. ⁓ Allison: It it does. And Nikki, you see it in terms of preparing in advance, which is really your specialty, is preparing so that people aren't doing this on the fly is to document that in advance if possible. Nikki Flynn: Yes. And and that's part of the the process that when we go through and setting up the documents, we kind of nominate who that specific person is going to be that's going to be in charge of everything. So that way it's kind of a more streamlined, smoother process. But ⁓ unfortunately when there's no planning, it's kind of like a a crapshoot, like it's a free-for-all. you're gonna have the infighting, you're gonna have the bickering, mom wanted this, mom said this, dad said this, and and that's where things kind of go awry. So if we can ⁓ prepare ahead of time and have the planning done in preparation of something happening, then we have that conversation. And then we can also talk to mom and dad ⁓ say, Hey, you know, maybe it's time to start going through some stuff that we've been keeping for the past 40 plus years. And maybe downsize a little. Let's let's start strategically going through things or why wait till you're gone to give this said gift to a family member? Why not give it to them now so you can see them cherish it and be excited about it and really be happy and you get to share in that experience while you're still alive. So it's kind of like you know, a double-edged sword when you're going through that kind of stuff because we're we're trying to convince them to let go of some stuff. And while some are like, yeah, I don't want to deal with this crap anymore, some are like, nope, I'm never getting rid of it. I'm holding on to it. I'm I can't get rid of that. That's that's sacred. That's precious. So it's kind of a a a two way street sometimes when you're having to go down that road with them. Allison: Well, I think, you know, it we talk about all of this is kind of happening simultaneously. Like we see our parents, our our family members, you know, a certain light. They've always been, you know, ⁓ in good and things have been pretty good and then ⁓ sometimes all a sudden things change very rapidly and ⁓ people have take action and jump in and you know, that's happened in With clients of mine within my family, you know, everything's going fine. And then all of a sudden, don't wanna ⁓ we don't want to live here anymore. We're scared to live here by ourselves. ⁓ we need to go into assistant living or independent living where there's somebody that we can like press a button ⁓ get help. So, well, they made that decision. Well, that's great, but now you know, ⁓ have to downsize your house and go through all this stuff, and somebody's gotta take charge. in doing it and ⁓ I like when you say like sometimes it's the the oldest sibling the oldest one I haven't always seen that to be ⁓ the case I have where maybe it's the daughter that's closest to the mom who takes charge. I have seen that. many times people are different throughout the and there's not necessarily someone that lives close by and that happened with a client of mine ⁓ sadly she did not go into assistant living she had passed away but they were dealing with ⁓ out the home and know of the siblings came from different areas and started to go through it. but the other one I think was in Pennsylvania ⁓ and she didn't make trip down. So ⁓ two of them ⁓ kind of in One was ⁓ at least in the state ⁓ but you know, full time jobs and all that kind of stuff and then having to deal with emptying out the house. they managed to get it done. But ⁓ the deciding who ⁓ be ⁓ very ⁓ difficult. So I I guess it is best if we can do it in advance. ⁓ I mean, ⁓ had no choice. I was ⁓ I'm an only child. So know I knew who the who was. And I and I was wishing that there was another who. I really was. Well someone to s split the work with. I mean, you know, I I hear about these stories of the siblings fighting about or just not even addressing ⁓ think this is where it can get ugly because I've seen it from ⁓ an only child watching from ⁓ like for family members but also watching it Julie Cook: At least somebody to fight with, right? Allison: as you know, watching clients go through it is always to myself, why don't they just tell how they feel it? ⁓ And they're just ⁓ to say, hey get your butt down here and give me a hand. I don't understand that. Just can anybody explain that? I I don't get that. Why don't we do No. Nikki Flynn: Usually it's because they don't want to cause any an an initial trauma or drama with the other family members. And they might know that that one might be more of the sensitive one, or they might have a spouse, significant other that will cause headache and drama, and they just don't want to deal with it. or they could be a control freak. They just want all the control, they want to be in charge, they want to do everything and they don't want to delegate. ⁓ I mean you you have a couple of different options, but I'm right there with you. ⁓ Allison: No. I think it causes resentment if people don't just go ahead and get it out on the table it causes more resentment long term because that one person who is doing all the stuff is like, Well, I did all this stuff and you did nothing. It comes up at at Thanksgiving and Christmas, I betcha. ⁓ Nikki Flynn: I wish I w had yes. Julie Cook: Hundred percent. Uhhuh. I I think Nikki is totally right. I think it boils down to this is already stressful. I don't want to create any extra drama, but it's gonna create resentment. So at some point you have to push past that and at least at least air it out. The the sibling may be like, I'm not coming, I'm just not fooling with it, I don't want to, but at least air it out. Even if it creates some stress, if it gets you some help, it it will probably be worth the stress. Probably. Allison: even monetarily, like you go ahead and you pay for the I don't wanna say a a dumpster because that sounds you know, we're dealing with people's ⁓ cherished items in many But that's not what we're talking about that goes into a dumpster. But there are costs ⁓ associated ⁓ emptying a house, right? ⁓ It's gonna you time ⁓ for sure, it's gonna cost you money, with the things that you cannot have donated, picked up, whatever, might have to get someone to come there with some sort of ⁓ trailer. seen rent those things from Home Depot. They're like bucket bag kind of things and they put ⁓ in the driveway and the stuff that ⁓ they don't want or get rid of or where they put it in there and then somebody comes and picks it up. There's a cost ⁓ associated with So maybe that person can ⁓ be person that maybe contributes financially to that. But I know everybody's situation is so different. But do you see why we're talking about this? Because if we're having this conversation from just the little bit of experience that we've had personally and then of course professionally, you know people are talking about this. You know, Bob didn't do his share. I had to do it all. don't know. Nikki Flynn: Yeah, rarely ever do I ever hear somebody say, like, ⁓ my brother and I, we we were able to, you know, just work together and everything was split equally and we had no problems. Rarely does that ever happen. It's it in in a magical dream world, maybe. but unfortunately, it's just it's something that's not. And that is why we always try to make sure that our family members have planning done ahead of time. Allison: Yeah. Nikki Flynn: So that way it mitigates all of that, and you don't have to worry about the headache and the drama. And then we have those conversations. You need to sit down with them and say, like, hey, mom, dad, do you a plan for this Like, I told my mom, I no shame in my game. There is a dumpster that is getting put out front, ⁓ and are being done. This woman saves the original box that the things come in. Okay. She's got Julie Cook: Yeah. ⁓ yeah. Allison: No. Nikki Flynn: receipts and stuff from like before I was born. Like just there's just no need. Allison: Whoa! That's in that storage unit. ⁓ boy. Julie Cook: Yeah. Nikki Flynn: Mm-hmm. And I have come across my baby stuff, first of all. I'm in my mid-40s. There ain't no child happening. I my husband and I have made that determination. That ship has sailed. But you might have a kid someday. Can we let this go? Can we? Because it's not happening. So why are we saving ⁓ don't want it? Why that's not a memory of me the day I was born. I don't remember it. So why do I want that stuff? Julie Cook: No. No. Nikki Flynn: I c just I don't understand. ⁓ and it's just it's a lot. It's a lot. I've already gone through one parent's house. I don't wanna like no a dumpster. I learned my lesson. Dumpster. Allison: Dumpster. Julie Cook: She just cuts to the quick. See, that's a sibling you need somebody that just tells it like it is. She's not worried. Yes. Allison: We need you just to come with us. You need to start a new business. Not only does Nikki do document preparation for all of your will, trust and power of attorney needs, she'll also be the lady that comes with you and says, Let it go and put it in the dumpster. Nikki Flynn: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Julie Cook: Let it go. She will come with a dumpster and say, come on. Nikki Flynn: Yes, yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Allison: She will it'll be Nikki's roll-up, you know, with big tree of life on it the side. That's a new You'll it'll be coming to the ⁓ the people that this soon, you'll be able to see that logo somewhere soon. ⁓ but maybe on the side of a roll-up. I mean, and again, we did not laugh about these things, we would be crying all the time. And this just Nikki Flynn: Yeah. Julie Cook: Yes. ⁓ Nikki Flynn: Yeah. I Yes. Allison: It is okay to talk about it and to kind of poke fun at it at the same time, but also to know that you need to have these conversations and to do it in advance is a lot better. and you don't ⁓ you don't have to be the boss of the show. You don't have to be. somebody's help at some I believe that, you know, ⁓ you gotta you you You can't let one person do it, in my opinion. But what if somebody doesn't have me, I knew it had to be me, right? So that was that. So an only child. I I have houses, ⁓ sadly, where was just in the house. ⁓ Photos, ⁓ personal You I'm not talking about the furniture and stuff, but it was like heartbreaking to see ⁓ the ⁓ amount personal And I looked for like ⁓ who could I Wasn't my job to take that, but my my heart was like, these might mean something to somebody, ⁓ right? this house transfers hands, and ⁓ new ended up buying house with everything in it, and then had to dispose of stuff afterwards. And they felt bad too, but there was nothing that ⁓ we couldn't figure who ⁓ she didn't have living relatives, is what I'm saying, right? ⁓ That we could And ⁓ and so someone have ⁓ children, not married. I mean a lot of ⁓ just say a lot of a lot of women, right, ⁓ now like they're getting rid of that first or second husband and they're living on their own. They and the kids are grown or gone or maybe they never ever had kids and it's just them ⁓ and pet. Well who I mean have to make arrangements for this. So who who do they do get to do that? Who who Nikki Flynn: So the it's usually like it'll be a a friend, ⁓ a close neighbor that you know, their their buddies, their partners, or sometimes I've even even had people nominate their churches. Allison: Who helps that? right. And ⁓ they even set up paperwork in advance for that kind of stuff. Nikki Flynn: Yes. Mm-hmm. Allison: So ⁓ Nikki Flynn: Yep, so they they do have that option. Julie Cook: That's interesting because when we talked about who can help, ⁓ you know, the normal thought process would be okay, if family is not gonna step up, then you know, are you connected to a church? Do you have friends? Do you have neighbors that can help? But that's interesting that they can actually designate that they want their church to assist, help clean out the house. That's interesting. Nikki Flynn: Well, I if they if they're leaving the estate to the church, then that's part of the the responsibility of the church is to carry out that final wish to make sure that that is done. Allison: if you help preparing those documents for that kind of situation. ⁓ Nikki awesome and she can do that for you anywhere. You don't have to just be in the greater Tampa Bay area. she's ⁓ able to help you ⁓ all throughout the ⁓ Julie ⁓ of course helps families find senior facilities. ⁓ and I help people deal with ⁓ what to do with the family home after mom and dad have moved out. And our contact information is in the description below.