Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #32: When it comes to technology, are you setting a good example?

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#32: When it comes to technology, are you setting a good example? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Kilson, where
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  Speaker 1: Luke and Susie parents of three little boys.
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  Speaker 2: And this is the podcast for those of us who
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  Speaker 2: are time poor parents.
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  Speaker 3: Just one answers now and in a digital age, we
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  Speaker 3: can think that the worst thing for our kids is
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  Speaker 3: for them to constantly be in front of devices. But
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  Speaker 3: do we think very much about how it's impacting them
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  Speaker 3: for us to be in front of our device?
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  Speaker 1: And unfortunately that's all we've got time for, so we
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  Speaker 1: have to stop that topic. We're not going to the
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  Speaker 1: expert doctor Justinkilson from Happy Families dot com.
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  Speaker 2: Are you I avoid? I try to avoid you, not because.
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  Speaker 1: You're wonderful, but I've got a feeling that I might
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  Speaker 1: be convicted of something here.
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  Speaker 2: Talk to us about how.
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  Speaker 4: I won't point anything, as I promise I let Susie
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  Speaker 4: do that no one will be able to see.
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  Speaker 1: So the thing is, we do spend a lot of
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  Speaker 1: time saying, oh those kids these days, all they do
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  Speaker 1: is they use devices and they don't get outside and play.
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  Speaker 2: What kind of an example do we set?
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  Speaker 4: I was at a school in Melbourne just a couple
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  Speaker 4: of months ago giving a talk on having a healthy
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  Speaker 4: digital diet, and I was waiting for all the parents
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  Speaker 4: to come in and do their thing and sit down
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  Speaker 4: so that I could talk to them. And I had
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  Speaker 4: about fifteen or twenty minutes before the session started, so
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  Speaker 4: I actually I decided to go for a walk out
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  Speaker 4: in the street and clear my head and just think
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  Speaker 4: about what I wanted to talk about. As I walked
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  Speaker 4: down the street, I saw a whole lot of parents
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  Speaker 4: sitting in cars. They'd arrived early, and rather than coming
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  Speaker 4: in and sitting in the hall and chatting with somebody
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  Speaker 4: on a seat nearby, or just enjoying the peace and
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  Speaker 4: quiet before I began speaking, they were sitting in their
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  Speaker 4: cars on their phones, checking emails, checking Facebook statuses, playing
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  Speaker 4: Candy Crush a Pokemon Go. And I thought, isn't this
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  Speaker 4: ironic that everyone wants to know how to get the
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  Speaker 4: kids off their devices, But as parents, we are not
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  Speaker 4: necessarily the best exam ever.
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  Speaker 1: No, usually quite terrible. And I'm guilty of that. But
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  Speaker 1: having said that, let me tell you something that I've
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  Speaker 1: experienced recently with one of my boys in particular, who
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  Speaker 1: has started to go through a phase. And it's tongue
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  Speaker 1: in cheek and it's joking and his older brother went
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  Speaker 1: through a similar phase where instead of saying I love you, daddy,
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  Speaker 1: good night or whatever, he'll say I don't love you.
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  Speaker 2: And he's having a joke.
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  Speaker 1: And he's constantly telling me he doesn't love me, and
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  Speaker 1: that no, he doesn't want to go with me, and no,
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  Speaker 1: he doesn't want to play with me. And the oldest
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  Speaker 1: did that too, and it was just a phase and
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  Speaker 1: they went through it. But with this boy, I noticed
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  Speaker 1: that we had a really tight knit relationship when I
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  Speaker 1: started kicking the footy with him and device is down
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  Speaker 1: and then this started up again after we'd gone like
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  Speaker 1: a week or two with no footy kicking, and so
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  Speaker 1: I made him put the iPad down, I put my
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  Speaker 1: iPhone down, and we took the footy out and we
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  Speaker 1: started kicking again. Can I tell you that that night
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  Speaker 1: he was I love you, daddy, and hugs and cuddles
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  Speaker 1: and devices down transformed our relationship instantly, justin.
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  Speaker 4: You've given me all warm fuzzies and good so at
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  Speaker 4: the end of the day, research is telling is convincingly
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  Speaker 4: that parents are not doing a good job at this
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  Speaker 4: and we need to do much better. You know, you
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  Speaker 4: can tell that you might have a problem with your devices,
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  Speaker 4: with your screens. If you wake up in the morning
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  Speaker 4: and looking at your screen is one of the first
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  Speaker 4: things that you do, and if one of the last
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  Speaker 4: things you do before you go to bed is you
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  Speaker 4: just check your own you check your emails, to check
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  Speaker 4: your notifications, and then if you kind of allow your
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  Speaker 4: meals to be interrupted by screens, and sometimes even if
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  Speaker 4: you're driving and you feel compelled to stop at the
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  Speaker 4: traffic lights and just check to see if that email
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  Speaker 4: or that notification has come through. And it's amazing how
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  Speaker 4: many parents I talk to who they say, look, I
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  Speaker 4: really don't want to admit this, but I do at
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  Speaker 4: least a couple of those things most days, particularly the
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  Speaker 4: waking up in the morning and checking my phone first
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  Speaker 4: thing and looking at it last thing before I go
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  Speaker 4: to bed. We can't give our kids a hard time
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  Speaker 4: for it if we can't get it together ourselves. Our
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  Speaker 4: kids are struggling with it, so are we. And the
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  Speaker 4: impact of this is negative all round. It's not like
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  Speaker 4: it affects one group. Well, actually it does affect children
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  Speaker 4: in much more profound ways that realize their brains because
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  Speaker 4: their brains are developing. But you know what, our brains
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  Speaker 4: are still changing as well, and it's changing our brains too,
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  Speaker 4: not as profoundly and not as quickly as our kids,
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  Speaker 4: but the impact is significant and we've just got to
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  Speaker 4: do better for our sake and for our kid's sake.
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  Speaker 3: We're talking to doctor Justin Coulson from Heavyfamilies dot com
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  Speaker 3: dot au about the impact of parents' use of screen time,
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  Speaker 3: let alone with our kids. I want to start talking
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  Speaker 3: solutions next more with doctor Justin Colson on the way.
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  Speaker 5: Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most respected parenting voices.
• 4:45
  Speaker 5: His seminars have equipped and empowered thousands of parents to
• 4:48
  Speaker 5: make their families happier. But sometimes getting to a parenting
• 4:52
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• 4:55
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• 4:59
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• 5:02
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• 5:04
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  Speaker 5: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline right.
• 5:18
  Speaker 5: What your child needs from you. A seminar from doctor
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  Speaker 5: Justin Coulson. Download this ninety minute seminar now or purchase
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  Speaker 5: the DVD at Happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 6: It's the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 2: And we've been talking about you.
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  Speaker 1: Often will say to kids these days, all they do
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  Speaker 1: is use devices and play computer games, and we've got
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  Speaker 1: to get them outside and they got.
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  Speaker 2: To play more.
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  Speaker 1: But the question is how much of an example do
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  Speaker 1: we set, and what are our days and our moments
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  Speaker 1: and how do we.
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  Speaker 2: Choose to use our devices? So what sort of an
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  Speaker 2: example does that set?
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  Speaker 1: And that's a bit of a convicting thing for us
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  Speaker 1: to have a look at now before we get on
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  Speaker 1: talking about solutions, Doctor Justin, I feel like not that
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  Speaker 1: we've done this in this conversation so far, but so
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  Speaker 1: often we can device bash and technology bash as if
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  Speaker 1: it's the problem. But in reality, is technology the problem
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  Speaker 1: or just simply what we allow to be our action
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  Speaker 1: of priorities versus what our characters as our priority should be.
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  Speaker 2: Is it the tech that's to blame.
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  Speaker 4: I think that technology is generally neutral. It's up to
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  Speaker 4: us to determine the context and the content. And what
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  Speaker 4: I mean by that is we decide where, when, and
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  Speaker 4: how we'll use it. That's the context, and we decide
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  Speaker 4: the content. That is what we're looking at. So we
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  Speaker 4: can use technology in wonderfully beneficial ways for ourselves and
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  Speaker 4: for our family by using it at the right time,
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  Speaker 4: in the right place, for the right reasons, and by
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  Speaker 4: looking at the right content. And similarly, we can use
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  Speaker 4: it in terribly destructive ways for ourselves and for our
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  Speaker 4: family by looking at the wrong things in the wrong place,
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  Speaker 4: at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons, and it
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  Speaker 4: can mess everything up. So it obviously exists on a continuum,
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  Speaker 4: and sometimes are better than others, and some things are
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  Speaker 4: better than others to be looking at and doing.
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  Speaker 1: I just want to establish that we're not tech bashing.
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  Speaker 1: That is not saying you have to go off the
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  Speaker 1: grid in order to be a good parent now, but
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  Speaker 1: not at all.
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  Speaker 2: But let's go and.
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  Speaker 4: That now and then though, let's let's not write that
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  Speaker 4: idea off. I actually think it's really good. I mean,
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  Speaker 4: when was the last time you genuinely powered down for
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  Speaker 4: twenty or forty eight hours and just thought that's it.
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  Speaker 4: No screens. It's a pretty unusual thing.
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  Speaker 2: Now, I think I was five months old.
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  Speaker 3: It does feel like a long time ago. So justin
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  Speaker 3: if we're listening to what we're talking about here, and
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  Speaker 3: we recognize that we as parents are first thing in
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  Speaker 3: the morning, last thing at night, and during meal time
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  Speaker 3: and during car time screen users like really recognizing our
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  Speaker 3: own need to fix something here, and we're recognizing that
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  Speaker 3: our children are having too many hours in front of
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  Speaker 3: their devices as well. What can we do in working
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  Speaker 3: together to help overcome this.
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  Speaker 4: Well, let's just talk about parents for a minute, because
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  Speaker 4: I think that that's you know, that's why we've focused
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  Speaker 4: most of the conversation. That's the hardest one to fix
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  Speaker 4: because nobody really tells us what to do. I mean, yeah,
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  Speaker 4: we're in charge of us, and we'll look at what
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  Speaker 4: we want when we want. So the first thing that
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  Speaker 4: we need to do is establish some rules around when
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  Speaker 4: it is and when it isn't appropriate, and we might
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  Speaker 4: need to ask our spouse a partner to help us
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  Speaker 4: with that. We might say I'm going to go out
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  Speaker 4: and buy an old, fashionable arm clock and I'm going
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  Speaker 4: to use that instead of my phone to wake me
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  Speaker 4: up in the morning, And that would mean that in
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  Speaker 4: the evenings, the phone goes away and the screens are
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  Speaker 4: all switched off at a certain time, maybe thirty minutes
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  Speaker 4: before bed, or sixty minutes before bed is even better.
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  Speaker 4: And they stay in the living room or they stay
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  Speaker 4: in the study or whatever room it is that you've
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  Speaker 4: got the right room, you put it in another room
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  Speaker 4: away from you, and then you go to bed. And
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  Speaker 4: you do remember when we used to I don't pick
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  Speaker 4: up a book and read it, or we used to
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  Speaker 4: just roll over and spend some quality time talking with
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  Speaker 4: our crazy, our spouse or a partner instead of just
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  Speaker 4: laying next to them staring at the screen together.
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  Speaker 1: We had no excuses. We just make those little choices
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  Speaker 1: to change what we do a little.
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  Speaker 4: And ultimately, technology is a choice. I had just rammed
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  Speaker 4: home to me, I don't know, maybe four or five
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  Speaker 4: months ago, when I said to my daughter, I think
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  Speaker 4: you've got a technology problem because and I listed all
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  Speaker 4: the reasons, and I said, you know, it's bedtime now
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  Speaker 4: and you're still staring at your phone. You know what
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  Speaker 4: our rules are, You're disregarding the rules. We need to
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  Speaker 4: go over so we're not going to do it now.
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  Speaker 4: But this is not good. So she put it away.
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  Speaker 4: She was really, really wonderful about it, and she said, Dad,
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  Speaker 4: you're right, I do need to do better. So she
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  Speaker 4: put it away, and I thought, oh, that's wonderful, and
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  Speaker 4: I went and hopped into bed and I picked up
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  Speaker 4: my phone. About thirty seconds later, she walked in so
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  Speaker 4: that she could say good night to Kylie and I
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  Speaker 4: and she looked at it and she put her hands
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  Speaker 4: on her hips and she said, Dad, how do you
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  Speaker 4: think this looks to me right now?
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  Speaker 3: Smart girl?
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  Speaker 1: Oh? And that there no need to wrap that conversation up.
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  Speaker 1: We understand that very well. Our guest is doctor.
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  Speaker 2: Little Girl Justin Kilson from Happy Families dot com. I
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  Speaker 2: us thank you so much for your perspective.
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  Speaker 4: I love talking to you guys.
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  Speaker 6: And of course there are loads of resources available, lots
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  Speaker 6: of information, books, podcasts, and programs. You can find them
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  Speaker 6: all that happyfamilies dot com dot au. But if listening
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  Speaker 6: to doctor Justin Coulson makes you think that people in
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  Speaker 6: your organization or school could benefit from hearing him as well,
• 10:18
  Speaker 6: you can find out how to have Justin speak for
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  Speaker 6: your school or organization at Justincoulson dot com