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Divorce Truth Bombs You Need To Hear · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the first new episode of the podcast for 2024.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to speak through divorce truth bombs that you need to hear, and this will be supportive regardless of where you're at on your relationship journey, whether you're asking the hard questions of your marriage or your relationship, wondering whether to stay or leave, making the decision in the middle of making the decision, or in that messy middle part of separation or divorce, perhaps even out the other side and wondering what's next.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Here are some divorce truths that you need to know.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce truth bombs that you need to hear.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: The first truth bomb is that it's going to be hard.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: There is just no way around it.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is hard.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also important to know that it won't stay hard forever.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're right at the very beginning or in that messy middle part, it won't always be as hard as it is right now.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So first truth bomb is it's going to be hard.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Expect it to be hard.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Get prepped for it, but know that it won't always stay hard.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: The second truth bomb is about your kids.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids will be impacted by your divorce.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: There is just no sugarcoating that.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, your kids probably won't just be okay.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you are okay, they will be okay.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: They will probably go on to thrive and flourish.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: The research supports that for many cases, in many cases, for many kids, for many families, that if you're okay, they will be okay.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: They will probably, as I said, go on to flourish and thrive and be happy, well-adjusted kids who then grow into happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And on kids, another mini truth bomb sitting in here is that you will miss them.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there will be times when you feel like you're missing a limb when they're with their other parent.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: But here's another true divorce truth bomb that's not often spoken about, and that is there will be times when you don't miss them, times when you're so grateful and relieved they are with their other parent that you will sometimes look forward to them going.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that was certainly true for us.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when my kids were younger with their fly-in-fly out dad, we had three weeks at a stretch when we were together and then he would land, and we were all relieved to have time and space from one another.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So there will be some times that you look forward to them going and you'll be really happy to wave them goodbye and exhale.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: There will be times you enjoy your time without your kids, and that is perfectly 100% okay.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, truth bomb around kids, yes, they will be affected.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: The degree to which they're affected is something that is within your capacity to control, keep them out of the conflict, all the things.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you'll miss them, yes, you'll miss times with them, yes, you have less time with them, and it's also okay if you look forward to those times.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce bomb, truth bomb, number three, is stay connected with your ex in big ways if you have kids, in smaller ways if you don't.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be a good thing for some, and it can be incredibly difficult for others.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: If your ex is toxic or abusive, it's incredibly challenging to have to continue to engage with them after divorce.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there will be times when you have no choice but to engage with them while you're navigating the separation, divorce, coming to financial settlement agreements.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: But that should never be a reason to stay somewhere in a relationship that's unhappy, unhealthy, toxic, dysfunctional, or abusive.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's your reality, please, please get professional support and help.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: For others, it's simply annoying or activating or triggering to be in connection or connected with your ex-partner, to have to engage or be connected with them without being damaging.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that makes it more manageable.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And in all circumstances, it is about you controlling what you can, your reactions, your responses, and your level of engagement so that it feels as okay as it can for you.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: If your ex is abusive and you have to remain connected because of your children, as I said earlier, please seek professional support.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number four.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You will heal, you will be happy again, you will laugh and love again.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I will even go so far as to say, because I know it from personal lived experience as well as coaching my one-on-one clients through it, chances are you will be happier than you've ever been.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: It will hurt.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: There will be pain.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It will be hard, but you will heal and you will be happy again.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Chances are you'll be happier than you've ever been.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce truth bomb number five.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Skipping over stuff will come back to bite you.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Skipping over the sadness, skipping over the grief is not helpful.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Skipping straight to the good parts doesn't support your healing or your growth and will come back to bite you at some point.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're getting divorced because you're unhappy in your marriage or your relationship.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving divorce is not actually a fast track to happiness, but you will be okay provided you take the time that you need to heal.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Jumping to the good part means you skip over the hard bits.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, you skip over some of the pain and it will come back to you at some stage.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: A new relationship, a new partner is not going to magically make everything all better.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, it can help in some ways and add value in other ways, but it can't take away the fact that you need to properly grieve, release, do the work, and heal from the ending of your marriage, your divorce, your relationship.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Skipping over the sadness, skipping over the hard parts, not doing the work will come back to bite you at some stage.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number six.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: You will rediscover or uncover you.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: You will remember what you like, what you don't like, what you like to do, how you like to spend your time, what you like to eat, drink, where you like to travel, um, the colours and themes and uh decor you like to bring into your home, how you like to decorate your space, what you like to listen to, what you like to read, what you like to watch, you will rediscover, uncover, and reclaim you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some of those things that you uncover you might not like so much.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that's an opportunity to do the work, heal, grow into something different, shift, change the things that you don't like, but you will rediscover or uncover things that have been put aside or compromised in your relationship.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: You get to rediscover all of those parts of yourself, um, what you like, what you don't like, and reclaim yourself.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce truth bomb number seven, hiding, making small, minimizing your hopes, your dreams, your thoughts, your ideas, your opinions, wants, needs is never going to be something you do ever again.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce actually gives you that opportunity to reflect on those things that, um, and through that reclamation, rediscovering yourself, it gives you an opportunity to reflect on and note things that you let go of, parts of you that you let go of.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so it gives you an opportunity to really reclaim that.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, hiding, making small, minimizing particularly your wants, needs, hopes, dreams is never going to be something you do ever again.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Giving up on yourself, giving up on any part of yourself is not an option.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible, I was gonna say likely, but it's possible you did that in your marriage, probably for too long in your relationship.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And now, in the hard part of moving through separation, divorce, now is not the time.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Giving up right now, even if it feels easier, giving up on yourself and your hopes and dreams is not an option anymore.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, divorce is an opportunity to reclaim those hopes and dreams and create the life that you really, really want for yourself.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number eight.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: No one else has the answers.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And or you already know whatever it is you're struggling with, you already have capacity to answer the question for yourself.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: You already know the answer to your own question.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to allow it to rise.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to your inner voice, listen to and trust your gut, your intuition, whatever you feel, whatever you call it.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Find the courage and have the confidence to lean in and listen to yourself.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to your intuition because you already know, you already know the answer, and your intuition is your biggest asset, regardless of where you are on this journey, whether you're still in a relationship, questioning it, whether you're moving through separation, divorce.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you take the time and build the courage and the confidence to go quiet, go inward and really listen, you already have the answers for yourself.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Truth problem number nine, your social circles will change.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: You will lose friends.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a hard truth about separation and divorce.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: You will lose friends, but you will also gain friends, friendships.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You will gain new ones or strengthen old ones.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: So your social circle will change.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can mourn and grieve and be angry and disappointed and feel let down.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I encourage you to do all of that for a while and then flip the switch.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe this as a trimming, a reorganization and uh almost a filtering.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the real ones, the real friends, the true ones, the good ones, the ones that really, really count, they will still be there for you.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: So reframe this shift in your social circles as a filtering.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: You're filtering out those that aren't coming forward with you.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't make them wrong or bad.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps they've just served their season.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, as you and as you move forward, there will be a reorganization.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: So Truth Bomb, you will lose friends and you will also keep the real ones, the ones that really count, and find new ones, find and create new friends.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me, to book a free intro call.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me, there's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number 10.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Home is so much more than a house.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: There is no point fighting to hold on to a building to hold to keep the family home if you can't afford to live your life in that house, if you can't afford to live in it.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Home is more than a house.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here for a while, you've probably heard me say this before.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can't eat a house.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's no point fighting to hold on to that building if you can't afford to live in, live in it.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Home is where you are, home is what you create, and home is where your people are.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce truth bomb number 11.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Money, money, money.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, there is going to be less.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: There's going to be less cash flow, cash flowing into the household.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: There's going to be less assets because you're going to divide them.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, there will be less money, but there's also more.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: There's more freedom and choice in how you spend your money.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's all yours, and you have full control and say over where, if, how it's spent, on what, across what time frames.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, there's going to be less money.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: That is a no-brainer.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to have less money coming in, and there's going to be less assets because they're split.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you will have more freedom, more choice, more power, and more control over your money.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number 12.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Your emotions might surprise you.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: You will feel all the feelings, and all of those emotions are valid.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So allow yourself to feel whatever it is: anger, sadness, confusion, upset, and allow yourself to feel them without judgment.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: You will or you might also at times be relieved, even if this wasn't something that you chose.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you might feel guilty for feeling relieved.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you will feel a whole range of emotions and they are all valid.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Allow them all.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number 12 is your emotions might surprise you, and they're all valid.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number 13.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is not a failure.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Your marriage, your relationship wasn't a failure.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Separating doesn't make you or your relationship or your marriage a failure.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is not a failure.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's a course correction.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's your opportunity to consciously choose how the next chapter is going to look for you, how this next season of your life is going to look and feel.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Reframe that story that we tell ourselves or that society tries to tell us that divorce is a failure.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a failure, it is an opportunity.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can open your heart and mind to it being an opportunity, it helps you move through easier.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce truth bomb number 13.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is not a failure.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You are not a failure.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Your ex is not a failure.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship, your marriage wasn't a failure.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Separating doesn't make you or your relationship or your marriage a failure.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: It can be reframed as an opportunity.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a course correction.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's about what's coming next.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's your opportunity to consciously choose how this next season, this next chapter of your life is going to look.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make anybody a failure.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number 14.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot do this solo.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can't do all of it by yourself.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: You will need a community, a team, and that includes paid and unpaid team members.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: You need cheerleaders, supporters, friends, family, professionals, legal advisors, financial advisors, perhaps real estate advisors, and of course a coach, someone who can steer you, guide you, support you, build your team around you, consciously create it and choose it.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you're separating, you know, and you're moving from a two-person relationship to a single person, you can't do all of it solo.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You will need a team.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Truth bomb number 15.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your confidence, your self-confidence, and your self-worth might, in fact, probably will take a hit.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you will have to learn to rely on yourself, on your own strengths, to trust your own thoughts, to believe in your own ideas and to hold firm to your highest values.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when you do that, your power, your self-confidence, your self-worth amplify.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: So your confidence and your self-worth will probably take a hit and also they will ramp up.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: So no matter where you are on your relationship or divorce journey, now is the time to really consciously choose you.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Choose you and choose how you want this next part of your life to look and most importantly, how you want it to feel.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Redefine your values.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now is not the time to, as I said earlier, abandon yourself or let go of your dreams for yourself and for your future, or give up on what you really crave and deeply desire for yourself.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: It is actually the perfect time to fully, wholeheartedly embrace you, your beautiful soul, and give yourself everything, all the love, all the care, all the tending to pour all your efforts into yourself and into creating what you most want for yourself.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And the final divorce truth bomb I want to share with you is that life after divorce is pretty amazing if you choose for it to be.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you choose to bring all of you to allow yourself to be fully, unapologetically and magnificently you, life after divorce is pretty damn amazing.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that some of these divorce truth bombs have landed for you and are supportive for you.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would be supported or who would benefit from hearing some of these truth bombs, please share this episode with them.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you would like to go deeper on working with me one-on-one, there's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call so that the positive parts of these divorce truth bombs can be part of your part of your story and your journey.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate being in your ears and you taking the time to be here.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you could rate, review, follow the podcast, that means we can get it into the ears of a whole lot more humans who need to hear it.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Again, thanks for being here.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.