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When Encouragement Becomes an Excuse for Mediocrity · The Built For More Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back again.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing something different.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to do a video podcast today.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I just finished this past weekend my first high rocks race.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I did a high rox pro.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: So as my first high rocks, I did high rocks pro and it was difficult.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to talk about it.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Some things came up.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote some things down as I reflect on it that I think would be very helpful for the average guy.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And we're in this month of October, which is dismantling the nice guy idea, nice guy mentality, that mask that we use to really gain connection, really get love, get our needs met.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And just a lot of things came up as it relates to my disappointment with the Hyrux race and how that mask showed up for me, and really how other people treated me as a result of that disappointment.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's really interesting.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So wanted to share it.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: First, let's talk about the race.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I signed up for this race probably four to five months ago.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And in that journey, I I guess I guess over the past handful of years, I used to be, I ran cross-country in high school.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my first half marathon, I think I ran it in like 140, 145.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I come from more of an endurance background.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I learned strength.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I leaned into those, that weakness that I had, which was strength.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so that translated into some crossfit, which is just a combination of trying to add strength and your increase your VO max, VO2 max, and pretty much everything uh that relates to fitness.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I I leaned pretty hard into that for a while too.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, in terms of seeing myself as an athlete, I assumed give me four or five months, I can tweak my training a little bit, and I'm going to excel at the same level as all these other guys that I see all over the internet.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that was really my idea, my my methodology.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of us do that in terms of like we see, I compare even when I walked into that iRox race, I'm comparing myself to other people.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm probably as fit as they are.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we do this at work, like I'm probably as smart as they are.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we maybe do this while we're going on vacation.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I'm in the same just general um like responsibilities as this other person.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I see them as maybe more successful, or I maybe see them as having fewer responsibilities.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I make all these excuses.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's essentially what ended up happening over and over and over again through this training, is I relied on what I thought my fitness level was.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I relied on what I thought my strengths were in hopes that that would just carry me through into the race.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, on race day, I mean, I gave it my all.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I there was not uh an ounce of me that felt like I could give more to that race day, but I ended up with a score that I'm not necessarily proud of.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I came in not in the fitness level I was necessarily proud of.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like I'm a very secure person in terms of how I show up in my body confidence.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I was texting my wife, like I don't even feel like I feel comfortable enough to take my shirt off.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm probably gonna go with a shirt on because I'm feeling very self-conscious about how I'm showing up.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, that's not something that I do.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but there is a lot that went into that.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's the training where I'm pushing myself, but it's not good enough.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the strength portions where I'm pushing myself and it's not good enough.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And during those training sessions, there was a lot of instances where I was pushing myself, but then I thought, this is again, this workout is good enough.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to go four rounds, three rounds is enough.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't need to hit this pace because this other pace is good enough for now.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll get him on the next one.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll get him on the next one.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I I just see that over and over again with myself, with so many other people.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is this is good enough for now, and then next week we'll hit it even harder, and then the next week we'll hit it harder, and we'll get to that goal.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really that, I guess, for me, that uncomfortable truth of I sped so much of this training being this is good enough, this is the life situation we're in right now.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was super hard, you're super busy, you're a busy, tired dad, which is a trofe I cannot stand more than anything, but you're a busy dad.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is your excuse, and that's okay.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And your lack of success or lack of perceived success in that race is okay because this is the situation you're in.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And what I started coming away with that day, the day after, talking with other people about it is a lot of people said the same thing.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, it's okay.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Many people don't even do this kind of race.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: The fact that you even did it was amazing, and yes, wholeheartedly agree.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that mentality is the nice guy mentality that's keeping me unhappy with my status in life, where I'm at.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that is the nice guy mentality.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: It instead of sitting in the pain and disappointment and trying to work through that, is like, what are we gonna do about it?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you see where you fell short?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: How can I be with you in that like disappointment?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's authentic relationships.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's authentic connection.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And nearly everybody I talked to about it said, I man, you still did great.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about it.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't do great for what I know is my best.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we as a community, we do this with with a lot of people because we want to put on this like consoling, nice guy mask, in that it's okay being mediocre because you're a dad.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're a busy dad.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of sitting in that discomfort, working through that discomfort with your fellow dads and saying, like, hey, yeah, I see how you didn't go to fourth round.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: I see how you you use maybe your family as an excuse why you didn't push as hard.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or it was the story you're telling yourself.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: In my instance, I told myself a story.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fast, I used to be fast, it'll just come around.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: With other people, that story that they tell themselves is something maybe a little bit more traumatic, or a story they tell themselves about how they show up in the world that really negatively impacts every situation that they're in.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times we're like, hey, it's okay.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: This happens, this is your situation.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of being in that disappointment, and I think that's what's been frustrating for me more than anything, is that yes, I can accept I did this and I can work my work on myself and be better, but I have to work on myself and be better.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And like I'm gonna go out for a run after this because I yeah, now I'm determined.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to be that nice guy, even to myself.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I have to sit in that disappointment, figure out a plan to be better because I know I'm capable of being better.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And there's this idea that iron sharp is sharpens iron.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of us we're trying to build a community, but we're trying to build it with this nice guy, just super accommodating, and it's making us all average and unhappy.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I I guess I want to see a community where people can sit in that disappointment and call people out and say, hey, I can understand that you're frustrated with your result.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: You probably have it in you to be at that same level as everybody else.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And what are we gonna do about it?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: What can we do?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: What can we do this post-mortem on the training that you did?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: What went wrong there?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then what do we need to do about it in the future?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that's really where I see this new kind of approach for dads helping dads, for communities, for people that that creates a more authentic connection.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because as I look at all the friendships I've had in my life, I've had a lot of acquaintances that'll be like, hey, let's go to it's okay, let's just go grab a beer, let's go grab a pizza, whatever it is.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's the accommodating acquaintance.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: But when I was going through the toughest times, I needed the guy who's going to be with me in my disappointment, be with me in my shame, be with me in that just trying to figure it out phase where I'm doing everything wrong, and maybe there's this slim glimmer of hope that I'm doing the right thing, and he leans into that with me.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's what we need to be for each other.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'm realizing as I'm I'm coming out of this this Hyrux Pro I've been that for other people because it's scary being in that, that disappointment and that shame with somebody else, and calling them out, them calling you out, and and then working through that.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's a that's a harder road.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also the more authentic road.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And like I took I I was having a conversation with Britney before I came in here, um, and a lot of it has to do with her mental load and a I would say 90-95% of the reason she has a mental load is because there's not a leader in the home.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: In those instances where she feels that mental load, there's not a leader in the home.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the strongest indication that I'm putting on that nice guy mask instead of actually leading the home.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the same thing that happened with my IROCs.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm disappointed with the results, it's creating anxiety, which is really what mental load is.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because I didn't lead in that pursuit to get whatever score I wanted.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like there was not a leader there.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's somebody who's passive and just accepting society the way it is.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, two real big takeaways here.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one, most of my training and most of the self-reflections I do on my own.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is extremely valuable to do that self-reflection and even maybe some of this training on your own.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um but there's a there's has to be a point where you're assessing that against someone else.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're in a community where there is some comparison metrics.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um as I do any type of training, I look back at uh those times where I push myself the most, and it was in a community.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would have never done a workout like Murph or um some of these other CrossFit style workouts, which are super intense, even a Hyrux.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: If it was by myself, it's only in community that I really push past those comfort zones.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: In saying that, there's a lot of people who hide in community, who are just a part of everything and just it goes with the flow, and then they have no identity, they have no soul identity and individual identity because they hide in the community.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to balance both.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's was the biggest fault, and that is really the biggest takeaway here is that we need those communities to challenge us to sit with the pain in there.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: We need that because we crave connection, we crave union, and it is just as important to do the isolated work.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I have this journal, I strongly recommend having a journal.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: We have our daily reflections, which is just me and my Bible verse, whatever it is, and just a short snippet of an idea and a perspective with under this umbrella in the month of October.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's dismantling this nice guy and how we react to each other, how we react to ourselves.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I roamed that isolated time, but there has to be a balance between that isolated time and our community that's going to push us.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And my challenge to everybody is to have that and just make sure, one, you're taking that isolated time seriously.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Really thinking through what are the stories that I'm telling myself?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: How are my emotions really leading my actions, going through all of the actions that I'm doing?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: What is the emotion behind that?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can only understand that in your isolation with you and yourself, a journal meditation.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: That is the only way to do it.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then on the other side, there has to be a community.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: There has to be a community that's pushing you.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And my challenge is to like not just succumb to the community, but to challenge yourself within that community.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Find the community that challenges you.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I see this a lot in the church too.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: We just take whatever the people say in the church.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, this is our version of what we think is spirituality and religion.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: We know we don't challenge those ideas.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Real spirituality challenges ideas.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: It always has.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's written all through the Bible.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we see this at work where we don't challenge ideas.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: But the people who move up in the company, yes, you have the yes men, but there's always a limit to those guys.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's the people who challenge and break through these ideas and think creatively, think outside the box and sit in that discomfort to find the better solution.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the people that move up.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: We have to sit in that isolation to know how we're showing up.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: We also have to challenge ourselves as a community.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and this is one of the things that we're building within the school community.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: We have our call in a couple days on.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Couldn't be more excited.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so hope to see you on there.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that's the podcast for today.