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The Apology in the Glove Box · Infinite Threads with Bob Barnett

• 0:00
  [music]
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: and time.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Infinite Threads.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Bob.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: This week, we're telling stories from the thread.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Little stories,
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  SPEAKER_00: human stories,
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  SPEAKER_00: the kind that might not look like much from the outside,
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  SPEAKER_00: but inside them,
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  SPEAKER_00: there's a whole life trying to become a little more honest,
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  SPEAKER_00: a little more tender, maybe a little more free.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: We start with a man who held the door too long.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we started.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then we met a woman who kept the porch light on.
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  SPEAKER_00: And today, I want to talk about an apology.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not the easy kind and not the quick sorry we toss out when we bump into somebody at
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  SPEAKER_00: the store or accidentally take the last biscuit
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  SPEAKER_00: before realizing someone else had been quietly building their whole future around
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  SPEAKER_00: it.
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  SPEAKER_00: I mean the kind of apology that has weight.
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  SPEAKER_00: The kind that we carry.
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  SPEAKER_00: The kind that sits somewhere in the heart for years
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  SPEAKER_00: because we know there are words we should have said,
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  SPEAKER_00: but the moment passed,
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  SPEAKER_00: and then another moment passed,
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  SPEAKER_00: and after a while the silence started pretending that it was permanent.
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  SPEAKER_00: There was a man who kept an envelope in his glove box.
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  SPEAKER_00: It had been there so long that the paper had softened around the edges.
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  SPEAKER_00: The envelope was sealed once,
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  SPEAKER_00: then opened,
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  SPEAKER_00: then sealed again badly because he had read the letter inside more times
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  SPEAKER_00: than he wanted to admit.
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  SPEAKER_00: He didn't keep it in the glove box for any practical reason.
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  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't insurance paperwork and it wasn't a receipt.
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  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't one of those mysterious old napkins with a phone number and no explanation.
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  SPEAKER_00: Which may be one of the great archaeological artifacts of American automobiles, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I found some in a number.
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  SPEAKER_00: No, guys, this envelope, it held an apology.
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  SPEAKER_00: It was addressed to his brother.
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  SPEAKER_00: They had not spoken much in years.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not because of one enormous dramatic event exactly.
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  SPEAKER_00: That would have been easier to explain.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes relationships break with a crash and everyone knows where to point.
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  SPEAKER_00: This one, this one had frayed.
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  SPEAKER_00: A sharp comment at the wrong time.
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  SPEAKER_00: A family decision that nobody talked through very well.
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  SPEAKER_00: Old competition that should have been outgrown but somehow kept wearing new clothes.
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  SPEAKER_00: A funeral where both of them were grieving.
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  SPEAKER_00: But neither one knew how to be gentle with the other.
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  SPEAKER_00: That, that was the moment that he kept returning to.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not every day,
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  SPEAKER_00: but often enough,
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  SPEAKER_00: he remembered standing near the back of the room,
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  SPEAKER_00: tired and raw, when his brother said something that hit him wrong.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was careless, maybe it wasn't.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, grief changes the acoustics of absolutely everything.
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  SPEAKER_00: He answered too sharply.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then his brother answered even colder.
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  SPEAKER_00: A few sentences later, something between them had gone quiet.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not resolved, just quiet.
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  SPEAKER_00: There's a kind of silence that feels peaceful, and there's another kind that feels like a door.
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  SPEAKER_00: Feels like a door closing somewhere down the hall.
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  SPEAKER_00: This was the second kind.
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  SPEAKER_00: Years passed.
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  SPEAKER_00: They saw each other at a few family things.
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  SPEAKER_00: They nodded.
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  SPEAKER_00: They made small talk.
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  SPEAKER_00: They became polite in that awful way that people become polite
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  SPEAKER_00: when they're trying not to touch the wound.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then one night after thinking about it too long,
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  SPEAKER_00: the man sat at his kitchen table and he wrote a letter.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's the letter we're talking about.
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  SPEAKER_00: He didn't write it perfectly and That may be why it was honest.
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  SPEAKER_00: He crossed things out.
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  SPEAKER_00: He started over.
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  SPEAKER_00: He nearly gave up twice.
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  SPEAKER_00: At one point he wrote, I'm sorry for what happened.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then stared at it until he realized how much work those words were trying not to do.
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  SPEAKER_00: So he tried again.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry for what I said to you that day.
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  SPEAKER_00: That was harder.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then he added, I was hurting, but I used that hurt badly.
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  SPEAKER_00: That was even harder still.
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  SPEAKER_00: By the time he finished the letter, the letter was only one page.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not a speech,
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  SPEAKER_00: not a defense brief,
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  SPEAKER_00: not a carefully constructed exhibit showing how he was only 51% wrong
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  SPEAKER_00: and therefore still technically the better person.
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  SPEAKER_00: Wasn't that either.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just an apology.
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  SPEAKER_00: He put it in an envelope,
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  SPEAKER_00: wrote his brother's name on it,
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  SPEAKER_00: carried it to the car, and then he placed it in the glove box.
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  SPEAKER_00: That was as far as his courage went that night.
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  SPEAKER_00: I understand that.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm the oldest of three boys.
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  SPEAKER_00: I do understand it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're brave enough to tell the truth on paper before we're brave enough
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  SPEAKER_00: to let the truth leave our possession.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the letter stayed there.
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  SPEAKER_00: Weeks became months.
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  SPEAKER_00: Months became a couple of years.
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  SPEAKER_00: The glove box became a tiny waiting room for a sentence he had not yet released.
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  SPEAKER_00: Every now and then he'd open it for something else and he'd see the envelope.
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  SPEAKER_00: It never scolded him.
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  SPEAKER_00: Paper is usually polite that way, but it did remind him.
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  SPEAKER_00: There's something unfinished here.
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  SPEAKER_00: One Sunday afternoon, he was driving through town after visiting a friend.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let's say he was somewhere between Broken Arrow and Tulsa,
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  SPEAKER_00: where the traffic gives you just enough time to think and just enough irritation
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  SPEAKER_00: to test whatever spiritual maturity you claim to have.
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  SPEAKER_00: A song came on, not a sad song really, just one of those songs tied to an old season of life.
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  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly he remembered being young with his brother,
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  SPEAKER_00: both of them riding in the backseat,
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  SPEAKER_00: arguing over space,
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  SPEAKER_00: laughing at something that their mother told them not to laugh at,
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  SPEAKER_00: being brothers before life got complicated.
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  SPEAKER_00: He's looking at me.
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  SPEAKER_00: That memory did something to him.
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  SPEAKER_00: It didn't erase the hurt, it didn't solve the years, but it softened the locked place.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: He pulled into a parking lot and opened the glove box.
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  SPEAKER_00: The letter was still there.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_02: Of course it was.
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  SPEAKER_00: Where was it going?
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  SPEAKER_00: Some things wait because we keep asking them to.
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  SPEAKER_00: He read it again.
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  SPEAKER_00: This time, this time it sounded different.
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  SPEAKER_00: Less like a risk and more like a release.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: He sat there for a while holding that page and realized something uncomfortable.
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  SPEAKER_00: He had been telling himself he was waiting for the right moment.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe he was really waiting for an easier one.
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  SPEAKER_00: Those are not always the same.
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  SPEAKER_00: The right moment may still make your hands shake.
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  SPEAKER_00: The right moment may not guarantee the response that you want.
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  SPEAKER_00: The right moment may simply be the moment when love has become tired
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  SPEAKER_00: of being trapped inside of your intention.
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  SPEAKER_00: So he drove to his brother's house.
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  SPEAKER_00: He almost turned around twice.
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  SPEAKER_00: He gave a very persuasive speech to himself about how this might be a bad time.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother might be busy.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother might not care.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother might reject it.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother might say, you should have said this years ago.
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  SPEAKER_00: And the worst part was, he would not be entirely wrong.
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  SPEAKER_00: Still, he kept driving.
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  SPEAKER_00: When he got there, his brother was outside messing with something near the garage.
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  SPEAKER_00: That felt unfair somehow.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's easier to deliver a serious apology when the other person is standing
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  SPEAKER_00: in perfect lighting, ready for emotional depth.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's harder when they're holding a wrench and wearing an expression that says
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  SPEAKER_00: the lawnmower has betrayed them.
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  SPEAKER_00: The man got out.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother looked up.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hey.
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  SPEAKER_00: Hey.
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  SPEAKER_00: There are entire family histories hidden inside The word, hey.
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  SPEAKER_00: The man held out the envelope.
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  SPEAKER_00: I wrote this a while back, he said.
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  SPEAKER_00: I should have given it to you sooner.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother looked at it, then at him.
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  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
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  SPEAKER_00: It's an apology.
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  SPEAKER_00: That word changed the air,
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  SPEAKER_00: not dramatically,
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  SPEAKER_00: no thunder, no sudden violins from the neighbor's yard, just, just enough.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother took the envelope.
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  SPEAKER_00: For a moment, neither of them moved.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then the man said, you don't have to read it now.
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  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to respond how I hoped.
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  SPEAKER_00: I just needed to stop carrying it like I was the only one allowed to know that I was sorry.
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  SPEAKER_00: That may have been the truest sentence that he had said all day.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because apologies are not only about getting a certain reaction.
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  SPEAKER_00: They are about telling the truth where we once hid from it.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're about giving dignity back to the person that we wounded.
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  SPEAKER_00: And they are about refusing to let pride keep managing the story.
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  SPEAKER_00: His brother looked down at the envelope and nodded.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'll read it, he said.
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  SPEAKER_00: That was all.
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  SPEAKER_00: No embrace, no instant repair, and no movie ending.
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  SPEAKER_00: But something had moved.
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  SPEAKER_00: The thread was not magically restored to what it had been.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it never would be.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some things heal slowly and some things heal partly.
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  SPEAKER_00: Some things become honest before they become close.
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  SPEAKER_00: But honesty had entered the space.
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  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that is the first mercy.
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  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of us have an apology in the glove box somewhere.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not literally, and maybe it's in a drawer.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's in the Notes app on our phone.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's only in the back room of the heart where we keep the sentences
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  SPEAKER_00: that we're not ready to say.
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
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  SPEAKER_00: I was wrong.
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  SPEAKER_00: I should have listened.
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  SPEAKER_00: I let my hurt speak for me.
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  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand then what I understand now.
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  SPEAKER_00: Those are hard words because they take the costume off of pride.
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  SPEAKER_00: And pride loves a costume.
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  SPEAKER_00: Pride tells us that we can apologize later.
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  SPEAKER_00: It tells us the other person should go first.
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  SPEAKER_00: It tells us that if we admit one part of the truth, that we will lose the whole case.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: But love's not trying to win a case.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love is trying to heal what can be healed.
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  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean every apology repairs a relationship either.
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  SPEAKER_00: It just doesn't.
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  SPEAKER_00: The other person may not be ready.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may not trust us.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may need time.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may need distance.
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  SPEAKER_00: They may have every right to decide that the apology matters, but access still doesn't return.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we have to respect that.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's so hard for me.
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  SPEAKER_00: I fight that more than I should.
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  SPEAKER_00: An apology is not a crowbar.
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  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't be fighting.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not a way to pry open a door that someone else needs closed.
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  SPEAKER_00: Real apology does not demand forgiveness on our schedule.
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  SPEAKER_00: It simply tells the truth and offers repair where repair is possible.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that,
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  SPEAKER_00: that is important because sometimes people apologize in
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  SPEAKER_00: a way that's really just another form of control.
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  SPEAKER_00: They want the relief without the accountability.
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  SPEAKER_00: They want the relationship back without understanding the damage.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: They want to feel better quickly, and they call that, well, they call it healing.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: But love does not do that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Love slows down enough to ask, what did my action cost you?
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  SPEAKER_00: That question changes the apology.
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  SPEAKER_00: It moves us from regret to responsibility.
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  SPEAKER_00: Regret says, I feel bad.
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  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility says, I want to understand what I did and I want to live differently now.
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  SPEAKER_00: That, that's where repair begins.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not reunion and maybe not closeness, but repair.
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  SPEAKER_00: Even if the only thing repaired at first is our willingness to stop lying to ourselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: And guys, there's a freedom in that.
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  SPEAKER_00: The man with the letter did not know what would happen next.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe his brother called later.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they talked.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they sat awkwardly on a porch one evening and found their way towards something gentler.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the road was uneven.
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  SPEAKER_00: Most real roads, they are.
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  SPEAKER_00: But I like to think that after he handed over that envelope, his glove box felt lighter.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not because everything was fixed,
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  SPEAKER_00: but because something true had finally been allowed to travel.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's a beautiful thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: And maybe today's invitation is not to force a conversation before it's time.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it is simply to ask whether there is an envelope that we've been carrying too long.
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  SPEAKER_00: A truth that wants to become humble.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: A regret that wants to become repair and a silence that has served fear long enough.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: If there is, handle it carefully, guys.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Pray over it if that's your way.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Think it through.
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  SPEAKER_00: Make sure the apology is not a demand in disguise.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then, when love says it is time, let the truth leave the glove box.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not perfectly, but honestly.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because some words once spoken with care can open a little space where healing might begin.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the thread starts moving again.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not because everything is easy,
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  SPEAKER_00: but because one person finally becomes brave enough to say,
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I want to do better from here.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I love you guys very, very, very, very much.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I need you to do, right?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Go out there and pass that on, okay?
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Later, Gators.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Bye-bye.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_02: Every story, every voice In this love we all rejoice Infinite Threads, here we go.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome your friends, enjoy the show.