Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Season #2 - The Master Chef | Ep. 06

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Parenting Season #2 - The Master Chef | Ep. 06 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:56
  Ellen: did you get lunch today?
• 0:57
  Ellen: Cheryl?
• 0:58
  Ellen: When I was talking to you hadn't eaten yet, did you
• 1:00
  Cheryl: finally get yeah, I actually did you tell me to take my time, but I had to get here it a studio.
• 1:07
  Cheryl: And so I, ate some sitting down.
• 1:10
  Cheryl: Grabbed it and was eating while I was getting ready to come.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: You know, Well, there weren't as many minutes in my day, as I thought they were going to be.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: And I just spent so much of the day before we came here.
• 1:23
  Cheryl: And since we've been here on tech and so it's just this huge learning curve related to the podcast.
• 1:30
  Cheryl: And actually this morning I had two different app subscriptions.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: We have to help us.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: And I had both of them.
• 1:38
  Cheryl: I was chatting with two different texts at the same time.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: And I would just go back and forth between them and they would show me something and I'd go up and look, and can I do that?
• 1:47
  Cheryl: And then, then they go then, so then I would go back to the other one.
• 1:51
  Cheryl: So, so yes, I did actually eat,
• 1:55
  Ellen: Was it a low tech sandwich?
• 1:58
  Cheryl: Very much so.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: And that's much more my style.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: I'm kind of a practical eater I spent my whole adulthood buying and cooking and cleaning up and in the kitchen Yeah, it was important.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: And now as an empty-nester widow I have to kind of make myself sometimes eat the way I should or.
• 2:20
  Cheryl: Yeah, also to sit myself down and, and to do it like a real meal rather than kind of fast food myself, even though I'm using food from my home,
• 2:29
  Ellen: but just kind of making it really simple and quick and getting done.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: And this is different from you because you're much more of a gourmet and you've been all these places.
• 2:39
  Ellen: Yeah, that's true.
• 2:40
  Ellen: I've always loved to cook even when I was a teenager, I loved to get the cookbooks out and cook.
• 2:45
  Ellen: And because we've lived all around the world, we've, you know, got to have some amazing meals and, you know, different places in different foods.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: What is the best meal you've ever had?
• 2:56
  Ellen: Well, you know, it's really hard to say.
• 2:58
  Ellen: And, you know, if I really thought about it, it might be different answer than this one.
• 3:02
  Ellen: But the one that pops in my head was when we lived in Kansas city and we ate at the American, which is just a fabulous five star.
• 3:13
  Ellen: I think we had a seven course meal when we were there.
• 3:16
  Ellen: Yes.
• 3:18
  Ellen: Every single course was phenomenal.
• 3:21
  Cheryl: My experience, I haven't ever eaten, like there.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: The pricier and the more stars, the smaller, the portions.
• 3:31
  Ellen: If you just ate the first portion, you'd be hungry for the rest of the night, but by the time you finished seven courses, you know, it's just, very good.
• 3:40
  Ellen: Every course was presented, one course is cleared.
• 3:44
  Ellen: You wait a few minutes and the next course is presented and then eventually the master chef comes out to check on you.
• 3:53
  Ellen: So that's, you know, they come out and, and ask you, how was your meal?
• 3:57
  Ellen: What did you like about it?
• 3:58
  Ellen: They'll even spend a few minutes sometimes if they think you're interested, which I was, they explain how they prepared, you know, So the chef is very proud of what they do.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: How much that cost do you remember?
• 4:10
  Ellen: About 300.
• 4:11
  Ellen: we don't do that very often and it was really something that was really unique and very good
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Someone tuning in might think, oh, they're going to do an episode on cooking.
• 4:23
  Cheryl: Because what we're actually going to be talking about is the second season of parenting.
• 4:29
  Cheryl: And it's related to what you were talking about.
• 4:30
  Cheryl: You mentioned that you had met a master chef, and that's what moms are that they're like a master chef.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: Because if you look at the big picture we're talking about four-ish five-ish to eight to ten-ish that season.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: And what are the things that's really important that season is training.
• 4:52
  Ellen: Well, yeah, because if you look how a master chef has to run their kitchen, they have.
• 4:56
  Ellen: All the way down to the person that just brings the food out and places that before them, they have another person who chops certain things.
• 5:04
  Ellen: They have another person who works with the sauces.
• 5:07
  Ellen: The master chef is supervising and wandering around the kitchen, looking at everything, tasting, correcting, showing them.
• 5:14
  Ellen: Good you did that correctly?
• 5:15
  Ellen: No, no, no.
• 5:16
  Ellen: Don't put that in there.
• 5:17
  Ellen: And then at the end he makes sure that everything is assembled and is perfect.
• 5:23
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 5:23
  Cheryl (2): And they're called sous chefs.
• 5:25
  Cheryl (2): Correct.
• 5:25
  Cheryl (2): this is such a good parallel to what we're trying to talk about during this particular season.
• 5:30
  Cheryl (2): Because.
• 5:32
  Cheryl (2): We don't want them to stay just the carrot chopper.
• 5:36
  Cheryl (2): That's true.
• 5:37
  Cheryl (2): We want them to become master chefs of their life.
• 5:40
  Cheryl (2): personally I find this is a really sweet season At the time.
• 5:44
  Cheryl (2): And even retrospect, I found this as the easiest relationally.
• 5:50
  Ellen: Things are simple.
• 5:51
  Ellen: Yes.
• 5:52
  Ellen: They're not as complicated as they'll be in the near future.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: Like I've seen videos, you can see all the food videos there are that chef is alongside of less people.
• 6:02
  Cheryl: And I think that's a real key to this because we call these the training years So I love when you watch that, what you're talking about is the alongside that that chef is not just barking orders.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: That's just coming alongside each of those sous chefs
• 6:16
  Ellen: and taking the time to make sure that they know how to chop carrots Cheryl, why do you think.
• 6:22
  Ellen: This time in life, these training years are important and exactly what are they?
• 6:28
  Cheryl: So we we've mentioned the time span it is, and it has to actually do with the word scientifically and physically with pruning You have a lot of Reser's.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: How many varieties do you have?
• 6:42
  Ellen: I think I have 13.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: You prune your roses.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: Why?
• 6:46
  Ellen: Well, for lots of reasons, one, it stimulates growth.
• 6:50
  Ellen: You take off the weak parts and you take off the diseased parts and anything that isn't flourishing, you take it off because then it'll send messages to the rosebush to hurry up and bloom and grow and be healthy.
• 7:08
  Cheryl: Our little rose bushes and our children and their brain.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: The thing that works in the brain.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: It's really electronic thing and it's neurons.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: And so neurons are the things that work to make you remember things to restore things, to learn new things.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: And with neurons we're born.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Who knows.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: I don't even know how many billion of neurons babies have, because they have physical growth to do.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: And then all the learning that they do about everything turning over swallowing,
• 7:42
  Ellen: Yeah, every single thing for them is brand new.
• 7:44
  Cheryl (2): About two and then about 11, a long in there, which are the bookends of the season.
• 7:54
  Cheryl (2): god created brains to do a massive pruning and they get rid of the neurons, you know, maybe hundreds of thousands of neurons that aren't needed or.
• 8:04
  Cheryl (2): Like you're saying they're not working well or whatever it clears them out for the next stage of big growth.
• 8:10
  Cheryl (2): That's why a one-year-old is so different from a two year old because they finished the big growing.
• 8:17
  Cheryl (2): And now you have that big pruning process, which makes it a little bit challenging.
• 8:23
  Cheryl (2): Two year olds can be a bit a different challenge and same thing when you get up into just very, very early.
• 8:30
  Cheryl (2): End of pre-teen teen.
• 8:32
  Cheryl (2): There's some challenge there.
• 8:33
  Cheryl (2): And part of that is this pruning process with getting out the neurons.
• 8:38
  Cheryl (2): So it's sort of like we have a really good clean slate during these years that we've cleared out the unusable portions
• 8:48
  Cheryl: and then now.
• 8:49
  Cheryl: Open learning, rowing like your rosebush.
• 8:54
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:54
  Ellen: And they've learned the basic skills, like walking and talking and now you can refine
• 8:58
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 8:59
  Cheryl: And so we want to use these so well for that purpose.
• 9:03
  Cheryl: And personally, I think it's a much simpler season because it's a calm Maybe between a little bit of two storms in some of the seasons, like my children in that age they could do things a lot for themselves.
• 9:17
  Cheryl: They knew how to tie their shoes.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: They knew how to make their bed.
• 9:20
  Ellen: Basic caregiving for themselves.
• 9:23
  Cheryl: And they still thought we were the most wonderful thing in the world.
• 9:28
  Cheryl: And you know, my daughters wanted to still live with me forever.
• 9:32
  Cheryl: And I remember one of them early on, she said, We'll just build up a second story and my husband and my family and I can live upstairs.
• 9:41
  Cheryl: So relationally.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: I think it's a little smoother.
• 9:44
  Cheryl: And that's what we want to take advantage of in the season to do the training.
• 9:49
  Ellen: Well, yeah, I totally agree cheryl, that's really important time.
• 9:53
  Ellen: Is this training time.
• 9:55
  Ellen: How do we train?
• 9:56
  Ellen: I mean, how do we keep a relationship with our children?
• 10:00
  Ellen: Train them without being overbearing or nagging or lecturing.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: You know, I remember.
• 10:07
  Cheryl: Sometimes when I would catch myself and actually kind of have my pointer finger wagging a little bit.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: And that was definitely for me, whoops, this is a lecture.
• 10:17
  Cheryl: And it's interesting because I read again, I'm the who knows, neuropsychologist, or I don't know what he was and he said, well, the reason that you don't lecture.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: It's because it doesn't work.
• 10:31
  Cheryl: It's tolerated, but if it doesn't work well, because he said it's active engagement, that's what trains children, the best.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: They learn the best when there's active engagement between whatever it is that's trying to teach them and work with them and themselves.
• 10:49
  Ellen: That's true because when you're lecturing, whether in the classroom, or as a parent, you can see that little click where they kind of turn off and their eyes glaze over.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: And it's not just because you're boring.
• 11:00
  Cheryl: Right?
• 11:01
  Cheryl: It's they aren't learning it.
• 11:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:02
  Cheryl: Because this active engagement, the best word for that is dialogue.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: And so when I'm lecturing, I'm not dialoguing with my children.
• 11:10
  Ellen: No, you're monologue.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: Of course we're actually teaching certain conduct.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: But what's really important.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: The big picture, just like we talked about when we did chores, it isn't just skills that we want to teach them, but we want to train them in their character.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: We want to lay a foundation for their life of principles and values
• 11:38
  Ellen: those are the goals, the skills, or the, the tool we use to help get them there.
• 11:44
  Ellen: But really the goal is their character.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: I wish I had understood all the big picture that we're trying to explain, Can you think of something like where you were trying to you were training, but you did have the bigger picture of what was a value, what would be a value.
• 12:04
  Cheryl: If you're telling them we're going to sit very still in the dentist office and not run around or run up and down the aisles of the grocery store or pull books off the shelf in the library,
• 12:15
  Ellen: I think giving your children the reasons why you don't run through the grocery store.
• 12:20
  Ellen: There is respect for others.
• 12:23
  Ellen: Because ultimately that's why we have"manners." That's why we do courteous things to other people is because we're respecting them and it clears a pathway to interact and have relationships with people when you treat them with respect.
• 12:38
  Cheryl: We would actually role play We do a lot of role-playing during this season, practicing.
• 12:43
  Ellen: Well, that gives them confidence when they get to do that.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: Confidence and we can tweak it.
• 12:48
  Cheryl: Did you have to, did you train your kids to sit it's still military?
• 12:51
  Cheryl: They just had to sit it's still everywhere.
• 12:53
  Ellen: Yeah, we kind of had a, so sit still going to be quiet life because any of the functions we went to, they were expected to stand quietly, sit quietly in, you know, I did train them, but it was also you're in that environment.
• 13:08
  Ellen: So when they would look around all their peers were being quiet and if they weren't, they were getting dirty, looks from other people.
• 13:14
  Cheryl: So that was the culture
• 13:17
  Ellen: reinforced, I didn't even have a stand anymore if the military still functions that same way, you know, because things are very different.
• 13:23
  Ellen: You know, sometimes you can parent like your child's a dog, you know?
• 13:28
  Ellen: I'm a very good dog trainer.
• 13:29
  Ellen: I don't know if I'm always a good kid trainer because I'm very strict.
• 13:33
  Ellen: I know what I want our dogs to do, how, and when I'm engaged with our dogs and they're well-trained, which we've had in the past, not presently, but in the past, you know, I spent time so that I only had to say sit once.
• 13:49
  Ellen: Come, whatever
• 13:50
  Cheryl: that's behavior modified.
• 13:51
  Ellen: Correct.
• 13:52
  Cheryl: And you're kind to your dog.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: You weren't cruel.
• 13:55
  Cheryl: You're not worried about the soul.
• 13:57
  Ellen: No, they didn't get crushed.
• 13:59
  Ellen: They still got food.
• 14:00
  Ellen: They still got love.
• 14:01
  Ellen: But a child is so much more complicated than that.
• 14:04
  Ellen: Yes.
• 14:04
  Ellen: We need to know that if we ask our child to stop doing something that they're able to stop doing that, but
• 14:11
  Cheryl: the priority is their soul and their spirit.
• 14:15
  Cheryl: To love them well, enough to walk them through, which is something we have to learn
• 14:20
  Ellen: and it takes time.
• 14:21
  Cheryl: But you have to train yourself before you can train them.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: Remember it's not about the skill so much as the principles that we want to embed.
• 14:30
  Cheryl: Yeah, and in their hearts.
• 14:31
  Cheryl: And so one of the principles particularly heading towards teen years is with freedom and privilege come responsibility.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: So that's a pattern we had so let's go to the grocery store.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: They want the freedom and privilege of not having to sit in the cart or stand next to me or hold onto the cart.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: They want the freedom to walk around and do what they want.
• 14:52
  Cheryl: And you're welcome do that, but you have to show respect to everybody else and to listen and respect what I tell you.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: So if they were doing what they were supposed to do, it was fine and they just enjoyed themselves.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: And they were showing respect to other people and not pulling things off.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Look at the freedom and the privilege they got when they were responsible, when they weren't, we would dialogue about it.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: If they weren't still weren't being responsible, then they had to walk next to me.
• 15:21
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:22
  Cheryl: And then even worse, they had hold onto the side of the cart.
• 15:26
  Cheryl: If it got even more serious, I had to sit in the cart, cart, jail, and it really got their attention.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: Like that, so that we're teaching the deeper principles, but we're requiring that they are walking in what we're training so at home we would talk before we went, what kind of place we're going into?
• 15:48
  Cheryl: Is this a, you need to sit still.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: And can be completely quiet or
• 15:52
  Ellen: is this a keep your hands behind your back store.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: Explain that.
• 15:55
  Ellen: If you went into a store where there's a lot of glass or things that you don't want, your children touching things that are going to break that's when you ask them, you can look, but you can't touch.
• 16:06
  Ellen: I remember one time, my son.
• 16:08
  Ellen: We, we told them no you can't touch that Christmas tree, you know, keep your hands off the Christmas tree.
• 16:15
  Ellen: Well, the next thing I looked over and he was licking the Christmas tree and he said, I didn't touch it.
• 16:22
  Ellen: I licked it.
• 16:23
  Ellen: So sometimes you have to be a little more specific depending on your child.
• 16:29
  Cheryl (2): let me share kind of illustrate what we're talking about, so my older son, Alex, he really was shy.
• 16:37
  Cheryl (2): And I begin to understand that.
• 16:39
  Cheryl (2): So he was young, maybe four or five, So back in the day, you had to actually go places to do things.
• 16:48
  Cheryl (2): You couldn't take a picture of a check to have it deposited to a bank you had to actually go in the bank.
• 16:54
  Cheryl (2): So regularly, every other week, we would go into the bank, up to the tellers and deposit Bill's paycheck.
• 17:01
  Cheryl (2): And so.
• 17:03
  Cheryl (2): It was a big deal because they always,
• 17:05
  Cheryl: had
• 17:05
  Cheryl (2): suckers And so they're sitting right there on the counter and he knows about it.
• 17:11
  Cheryl (2): And we have talked about interacting and thanking her when she gives it to him, but he was just so shy.
• 17:19
  Cheryl (2): And so what we did is at home, we would talk about, do you want to speak to her?
• 17:25
  Cheryl (2): Yes, I do.
• 17:25
  Cheryl (2): Mom.
• 17:26
  Cheryl (2): I really do so we would practice so then we, on our way there, let's say you feel like you really want to do it.
• 17:32
  Cheryl (2): Yes, I do.
• 17:32
  Cheryl (2): Yes I do.
• 17:33
  Cheryl (2): And we would go up there and he's all pumped for it and he's really ready.
• 17:37
  Cheryl (2): You can see him, and then she would turn and look at him and say, would you like a sucker?
• 17:42
  Cheryl (2): And he just dropped his head and I would say, thank you so much.
• 17:46
  Cheryl (2): And slowly than one day, Actually kind of picked his eyes up a little bit and said, thank you.
• 17:52
  Cheryl (2): And it was a victory, because it was this first time, but we did a lot of training to give him the confidence.
• 18:00
  Cheryl (2): This wasn't a character issue.
• 18:03
  Ellen: He was just young and that was a big step for him.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: And it was an area of his weakness.
• 18:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: And so what we want to do is strengthen his weakness and now he's an internationally trained leadership development coach
• 18:16
  Cheryl (2): Okay.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: So the mom are saying, oh great.
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Now you've added another thing.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: How are we going to work all of this we've talked into their already busy schedule.
• 18:29
  Ellen: Well, I think like everything, keep it simple.
• 18:33
  Ellen: Keep it simple.
• 18:34
  Ellen: So your children understand exactly what you're asking of them.
• 18:39
  Ellen: If that means repeating it back and explaining it so that there isn't a miscommunication.
• 18:45
  Ellen: And then, you know what their intent is if you've asked them to walk in there, You have to set aside time.
• 18:53
  Ellen: You have to make sure that you have time in your life where you can do these things with your child.
• 18:59
  Ellen: All of us as moms are super busy.
• 19:02
  Ellen: We have things that are many times just out of control, but by communicating daily, And making sure regardless of what the situations are that you take the time and you explain so that they understand not lecture, but it's dialogue.
• 19:17
  Ellen: Yes.
• 19:17
  Ellen: Discuss together.
• 19:19
  Ellen: What is the expectations?
• 19:21
  Ellen: What are the things that are needed to be done?
• 19:24
  Ellen: How does this look when we go into a store or whatever?
• 19:27
  Cheryl: I like that and see what I like this term dialogue, because they might say, well, mom, but I don't understand.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: They may have questions.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: Like licking the Christmas tree thinking, oh, I just can't touch it with my hands, but maybe I can,
• 19:40
  Ellen: she didn't say my tongue,
• 19:44
  Cheryl: but we're back to this again, just like we did with chores.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: We've got to simplify your life as You don't just need clock time.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: You need emotional bandwidth.
• 19:57
  Ellen: Yes and energy
• 19:59
  Cheryl: got to have that energy.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: So you're going to have to rob that from something else.
• 20:03
  Cheryl: So you have the bandwidth and the physical time to do what you really want to do.
• 20:09
  Ellen: Cause I think that's where most of us as moms get frustrated because we run out of time or we haven't prioritized our day.
• 20:17
  Ellen: We wind up yelling or lecturing or being the kind of mom we really don't want to be.
• 20:22
  Ellen: So make sure that you save time for yourself to go through in your own mind, what you want in different situations for your children.
• 20:31
  Ellen: Cause that's really important that, you know, this is how I want them to behave in the store.
• 20:38
  Ellen: Or expected to sit still.
• 20:40
  Ellen: And so just, you know, knowing what, what you need them to do and being able to communicate that with them.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: We've run out of time, but we're excited.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Next time we're going to do another, keeping it real.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: We're having moms come back in here That are actually in this age period, have multiple children.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: And we're going to just talk about this, what it's like to live In the second season of parenting.
• 21:04
  Cheryl: That sounds good.
• 21:06
  Cheryl: So moms remember hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 21:15
  Ellen: Yes, it is.