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The First Christmas After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartmann, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in thoughtful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurrentry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is all about Christmas and the holiday season after divorce, particularly the first time you experience Christmas or the holidays after divorce.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because Christmas after separation and divorce looks and feels very different.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: For most of us who have been through or go through a separation and divorce, it has to, right?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: It has to look different.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for some families I know, for some of my clients, and at times even for my own family, it has been our experience of Christmas has been similar and it has been shared.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: But for many and probably for most, the traditions around Christmas and other special holidays, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, whatever your family celebrates, those traditions will shift and change and become something different for us after a separation or a divorce.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Christmas alone, Christmas without your kids, the holidays without your kids for part of it or all of it, especially the very first time, can be really, really hard and it can be really emotionally challenging, really difficult, very sad.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But you're alone, you're single, you're solo, you're separated, you're divorced for really, really good reasons.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want to invite you right at the beginning of this um episode to remember the reasons and to celebrate your bravery in choosing you.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, whether you chose the divorce, the separation or not, it was not of your choosing.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is a real opportunity to celebrate and honor your own bravery, your own courage, your own empowerment, your own liberation, and choose you.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: So honor that decision to move forward, as I said, whether you've chosen the separation, the divorce or not, but honor that as the best one, that decision as the best one for you and for your children going forward.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're alone this Christmas, you've separated, you divorced this Christmas because you know you and your kids deserve better and different, and you can create a richer, deeper, more beautiful version of yourself and your life this way.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is the way forward.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you've made a really tough decision, some really difficult choices, or it was made for you, and you've had to then make hard choices around that, and now you will have a different version of life, but it still can be a beautiful life, even if there are going to be a few difficult, challenging, painful, even lonely, solo holidays.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Spending Christmas after divorce can bring a really powerful and I think unique heartache and grief that's really, really hard to understand until you've sat in it yourself or you've moved through it yourself, and it's equally hard to describe.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many layers to it, so many conflicting feelings and emotions, and you know, underpinning it, all those stories and beliefs and thoughts that we have about what this time of year or what these particular celebration moments in it in a year should look and feel like.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's all sorts of expectations about family and celebrations around Christmas or holidays, and often they're they're actually unrealistic.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we get loaded up with ideas and stories and histories about how Christmas should look.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes even before a separation or divorce, the stress of it can cause intense feelings.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so after divorce, the whole holiday season often causes more sadness and stress than comfort and joy, and especially, especially so the first time or the first time without your kids.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I invite you to allow, allow the flow of change to sort of wash over and around you.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Things have changed, they cannot stay or be the same, they cannot stay as they were.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: So just allow the change, allow it to wash over, wash through you rather than trying to fiercely hold on to what was, what it looked like, what it used to be like.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I remember back in the early days after separation and divorce, there were things that I just thought would always be sad.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I thought the sad things would always make me sad, and things there would be things that I might never come to terms with.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And Christmas without my kids was one of those things.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But it does change and it does get easier.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Having said that, the first one, the first one is incredibly hard, it's especially hard.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I do remember the first time I arrived at my family home, my parents' home on Christmas Day without my two kids.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the youngest of four, we've all got kids, it's always been a really noisy, busy affair, and of course, this particular day there were kids running around, all the usual noise, and I stepped into that space feeling like I had left my arm behind.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: But but it does shift, it does change, it does get easier, it doesn't hurt quite so much.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the key part of that, I think, in the first time or the first few times is to, as I said, allow it, allow it to be different, allow it to feel different, and don't try and fiercely hold on to it being the same.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: You will be surprised how much you can over time absorb and process and become if not completely fine, mostly fine with something that just now, right now, feels just terribly kind of unendingly sad and painful.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: You will be surprised how some things you just gradually absorb until mostly, mostly they don't bother you anymore, or they don't bother you in quite the same depth or ferocity as they do the first time.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Any of these firsts are really, really hard and really painful.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: But but the second time, the third time, the fourth time, it gets easier and over time you do absorb and process and become mostly, as I said, if not completely, mostly fine.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it might surprise you to know that some of you might come to embrace this new way of celebrating holidays or spending Christmas.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is changing, everything is different.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: So again, don't fight against the current here.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can save yourself a whole lot of emotional turmoil, stress, and angst if you do just accept the changes and don't try to swim so hard against the current.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Don't try to keep everything the same or as it's always been.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: No one really likes the first time something is different, particularly something significant for your family, like Christmas or a holiday or a celebration.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: No real no one really likes it, no one really wanted this, or you know, maybe you did, but it still feels hard.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: But if you continue to cling really rigidly to the way things were, you will only cause yourself more angst.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: So trying to go with the flow, let it go, let it wash over and through you, and absolutely let go of the expectations about how things should be, how you think they should be, and instead switch your focus to how they are and creating something new, creating new new traditions.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And these can be really tiny things in this first year.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put again, don't put massive pressure on yourself to create something amazing or huge while everyone's still settling into the newness of a separated family unit and reorganizing themselves within that newness.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: But there is an opportunity to you know create new traditions, shift things and change the way things have been done, even let go of things that you really didn't like doing anyway, and create some new traditions for yourself, for your kids, for your family that you can adopt this year and going forward.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, some of them will happen incrementally, some of them can be a conscious choice, but it is an opportunity for you to let go of things that did not, do not serve you in this new iteration, this new chapter of your life, things that you didn't really enjoy anyway, and to create some new traditions for yourself and for your kids.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: With regard to the kids, your children, it's important to have open conversations and ongoing conversations with them, not only about logistics and how it's going to look for Christmas and the holidays, but also how they feel about it.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, open a conversation with hmm, this is feeling a bit stretchy or or um new or strange for me.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm wondering if it's feeling like that for you.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can have conversations about what they might feel, you might feel a bit sad sometimes this Christmas, you might be angry, you might be worried.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's going to feel different because we're not all together like we used to be, things will be different this year, but reassure them that you can still do lots of the things that are special about Christmas with them, even though the timing might be different.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it might be Christmas night or boxing day instead of Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, and that you will also get to create new and different rituals, different memories, and create maybe some new holiday traditions that your kids can look forward to doing with you, you know, and encourage your ex, their co-parent, to create his or her own different traditions as well.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask your kids what they would like to do and how they would like maybe to create some new traditions.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: But going back to the conversation, it's really important that you validate any feelings that they bring up, not just sort of shut it down and go, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Validate, allow them to feel the feelings, allow them to express whatever it is they're going to express, and then you can add on the positive bit.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, but you know, you'll get to see grandma and grandpa, you'll get to hang out with your cousins, etc.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Find ways that you can scaffold them so that their emotions are validated and they can still have a good time and they can still enjoy the parts of Christmas that you're not going to be a part of.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Give them that opportunity, allow them that I was gonna say courtesy, that's not the that's not the right word.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just allow them to enjoy parts of Christmas that you're no longer a part of.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: If it is safe and reasonable for you to do it, it is really great if you can be collaborative and kind and courteous with your ex over this period.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's challenging anyway.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: We all know it can be a really highly stressful, challenging, busy time.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you love it, whether you hate it, it's busy and there's a lot.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can cooperate and collaborate and be kind to one another, please tap into that as much as you can.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: How you behave this first time around, how you navigate what's traditionally been family time, can actually show your kids that you can all do hard things with kindness and respect, and that there is some hope that while it's hard and strange and painful and different right now, and it feels a bit ick for them, there might be an opportunity.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's hope that you can be kind to one another and respectful or towards one another into the future.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids will be watching and taking cues from both of you.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: So as much as is safe and reasonable and possible for you, depending on your unique circumstances as a family, tap into kindness, you know, be collaborative, be cooperative, be generous with one another, provided, of course, that's a two-way straight.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you can, talk with your co-parent, your ex about gifts and giving so that your children won't be over or or even under indulged, overindulged, or let down.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do have a plan, have a budget, have a conversation.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it might by the time this episode drops, that might be a little late, but um better late than never.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's always been a part of your Christmas gift giving, I really encourage you to continue helping your kids select a present for your ex or make them something, even if it's just a card or some baking, it just shows them, and by them I mean your kids, the generosity and grace of giving and teaches them, you know, teaches them the healing power of gift giving.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's been something that you've traditionally done and you can find it in your heart to continue to do that, um, in a small, even in a small way, there's real power in it.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if your kids are old enough and there's no court orders, consent orders, it can actually be helpful to have a broader discussion which includes the kids, and asking them directly how they want to celebrate the holidays given your reorganised family structure.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's not possible this year, it might be possible going into next year, next holidays, next celebrations, and next traditional family times for you.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, asking them what they want and how they want this to shift and change can open and lead to a more broader discussion of what they're thinking and what they're feeling.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, in terms of schedules, if they're not already set, I strongly encourage you to get your schedule for Christmas and the holidays set and sorted, but I would assume that for most of you listening, if this is your first Christmas, you've already sorted that.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me to book a free intro call if this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Factor that in if you can, but try and make these arrangements early.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: The earlier everyone knows about the holiday schedules, the better.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: It eases anxiety for all of you, including the children.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And remember too that you can shift things, you can really go outside the box in terms of how you now celebrate Christmas or the holidays.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to celebrate it on a certain day.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I would really encourage you to focus instead on what you're actually celebrating, be flexible.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, kids hate unknown, uncertainty, and conflict.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want your kids to really enjoy Christmas, work on how you can be gracious, how you can be collaborative, and how you can be how you can think outside the box as to how this can work so everybody gets a little bit of what they want and what they need.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important if Extended Family has been part of your children's traditional holiday season celebration, trying to keep them all as involved as you can and included is important.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, this might be only possible through an email or cards or a phone call or a video call at some point, you know, but it can be really important for the kids to see their grandparents and their cousins and their extended family, you know, on or around the holidays.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, extended family remain part of your kids' lives going forward and help really to give them continuity, stability, and security when so much other stuff is changing around them.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: So continuing to access and maintain contact and connection with extended family is important, and being involved or being in a space with extended family that perhaps haven't seen you for a while, um, you know, this is all new to them as well.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it is really important to control the narrative, control the conversations, um, and make sure that neither you nor anyone else speaks badly of your kid's other parent while the kids are around.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you might find that you need to shut down conversations, that you need to hold your own tongue at times.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's definitely a time and place for dumping all the emotional stuff and sharing the stories of your separation and divorce with extended family, with friends, but those significant holidays, those significant moments are probably not the best time.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So do be prepared to shut down conversations if you need to, conversations that aren't in your kids' best interests or your own best interests for that matter, and you know, redirect.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now's not the time or place.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Happy to have a conversation with you at some other point.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about it another day.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, redirect the conversation.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: There might also be times when you don't actually want to share at all with a particular person.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so having a set line or a set sort of phrase you can trot out to shut down that conversation across the holiday period can be really helpful and supportive.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, something, you know, along the lines of, oh, we're not sharing that publicly at this point in time, or that's not something we're discussing publicly.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, a polite way of saying that's really none of your business, and I don't want to talk about it.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, having a set phrase ready to trot out can actually be really supportive because you might get caught off guard.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: It might surprise you who will ask you directly what happened and wanting to know all the juicy details.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: So having that set phrase or set, you know, line to respond in those circumstances can be helpful ahead of time.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: If there are going to be times when you will be alone across the holiday period, I encourage you to plan ahead how you might want that to look.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: You might not know until you're right in the thick of it.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: But just think ahead a little bit and perhaps have some plans in place.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to actually be alone?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I knew that I did.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: That first Christmas, I knew that I would want to retreat from the busyness and the joy and the noise and the chaos that was my family Christmas and go back home to my own place by myself.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that was an active choice that I made.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I preempted that with my family, I told them that that's probably what I would do, but I also had flexibility in that if I wanted to stay, if I wanted to be around them.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: So think ahead.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think you will most need on these special significant days and pop plans in place so that you can do that without being questioned or challenged or pushed back against?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you're not up to the parties and the celebrations and all the things, you don't have to go.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't like me, do fake very well, if you find it really difficult to put on your game face and pretend, just don't.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we are conditioned to say yes and do all the right things and make the lead up to Christmas and the holidays, the end of the year, all really busy busy and and lean into all of that, but you don't have to.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Being alone and being lonely or feeling alone are quite different.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if alone is what you need, do it and don't let anybody talk you around.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it ahead of time.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: If that's what you most need, don't go to the parties, leave early, go home, spend some time alone.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: For others of you, you know, you might want to scaffold yourself and surround yourself with other people.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: People, loved one, friends, loved ones, sorry, friends, family.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you'd prefer to get out of your usual space and go off on something completely different: an adventure, a hike, a swim, a trip.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just get out of what would normally be the way you'd spend this time.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: So completely shaking things up and choosing something completely different.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, choosing a completely different way to spend or mark or celebrate the end of this year and a new beginning.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: It can actually feel really liberating to strip away all of the expectations, to say no thanks, not opting into any of that, your own expectations, everyone else's, and just do exactly what you want.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: The first Christmas after a separation and divorce is a great time to shake off all those things that you really don't like doing across the holidays and in your wider life.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's why I talk about reclaiming and liberating.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you can reclaim parts of life that you really want to build into this next chapter, and that in itself is liberating.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no, saying yes, whether it be Christmas, New Year's, holidays, whatever, saying no when you really want to say no, saying yes to the things you really want to say yes to is actually one of the greatest gifts of divorce.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to be around people, gather your people, friends who supported you through your divorce, friends who supported you through this challenging season, who know what you've been through, because they'll also get you through this holiday season.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, spend time with people who are invested in helping you get the most out of the holiday season, but also out of life.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, who better than those close friends who don't expect too much from you?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the ones you can be completely yourself with.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: We all have those friends.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Surround yourself with them, check in with them, spend time with them, if not your immediate or extended family.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Spend time with people who really know you and hold space for you and can be there for you however you feel ready to show up or not.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do be ready for all the big feelings to rise up.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that might be anger, resentment, bitterness, guilt, grief, sadness, pain, loneliness, maybe relief.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't have to go to your mother-in-law's for lunch this Christmas, but allow all those big feelings, but also don't allow them to completely hijack, to completely hijack you or your kids' experience across the holidays.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: If the tears come, let them just let them come, you know, cry, cry until you can't cry anymore.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is cathartic.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: I probably would suggest you don't do that big cry in front of your kids, but you know, if you're handing your kids off or they're going off with their other parent and you feel the need to cry, let it out.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: All the feelings, welcome them.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's cathartic to let up to let go and to let all that pent-up stress and emotion that can be released through tears.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: I also really want to invite you to celebrate you.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate you and your progress, your achievements, your wins, how far you've come this year.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: It might not feel like it, but I'm gonna suggest that if you look back this Christmas or this holiday season, this end of year to this time last year, there will have been victories, there will have been achievements, you will have made progress.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's incremental, it might feel insignificant, it's invisible sometimes, but every single day, every day post-divorce is a bit of a win.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: So don't discount those small achievements, be that over days, weeks, months.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just getting off the bathroom floor, putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day while you're navigating a divorce takes courage.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you've done that or you're doing that.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: So celebrate that.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, opening up to others, speaking to work colleagues, in-laws, wider social circles that you're going to have to potentially do across the holiday period, that takes courage, and there's lots of times when you when you either will be or have been nudged out of your comfort zone.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: So celebrate that.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Take some time to reflect on whatever your achievements, wins, large or small, that you've had.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, celebrate or reflect on and celebrate your progress.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Give your credit, give yourself credit where it's due.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said earlier, internalize that belief that even though it's really hard right now, things will get easy.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Some things are pretty shitty or completely suck right about now, and you might be really upset and really sad about how Christmas is going to pan out for you this year.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you're still in the really messy middle part of the divorce rather than out the other side.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: It is perfectly okay to admit that you're not in a great space, that it feels hard and it's horrible, but it's also important to look ahead and tell yourself and believe it when you tell yourself that things will get better.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I don't mean to minimize or dismiss whatever you're experiencing right now, whatever the emotions are, whatever you're feeling right now as the holidays loom, but things will get better, and so I want you to trust that you do have good things coming for you, that there are good things to look forward to, and in fact, there are probably good things about where you are right now.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if you don't like visiting your in-laws or your uncle Jack, you don't have to anymore, you've got the perfect excuse.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: So there are good things about where you are right now.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Be where you are, feel what you feel, and also focus on that future point.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Two, five, ten years' time, where you are living the life you've consciously chosen and created for yourself.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Be really kind and gentle to yourself.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: You are alright, you don't need to be fixed, you do need compassion and understanding, most of all, from yourself.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do create some me time and do something just for yourself over the holidays if there's space where you will be alone.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Pamper yourself for a day or an afternoon doing something that will really give you peace and respite from the busyness of the holidays and also the overwhelm of your emotions.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: The Reflect playlist on Spotify is a great way to do that.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'll drop a link in the show notes.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: Tap into it, choose, choose a song, crank it up, get dancing, shake it off.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: Holidays and rituals and traditions like Christmas, like New Year's, like Thanksgiving, like Hanukkah, whatever it is that your family celebrate, they are important.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: They anchor us, they are markers across our years, and they really help keep us grounded in what's worth celebrating in spite of everything, in spite of what's been hard this year.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's really easy to focus on all the loss and all the things that have been changed or are no longer.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledging the loss and the pain, of course, and all the changes, that's important.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: But so too is cultivating gratitude for what we do have, what you do have in your life.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate you, find gratitude for those small things and the gifts that divorce can bring.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: The whole bed to yourself, full control of the TV remote and your finances and where you go and how you choose this holiday season, and choose what's really, really worth celebrating.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I come back to reflection on the differences.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect on the differences between this time last year and now.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, last Christmas I was dot dot dot.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this Christmas I am.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Next Christmas I will be.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, last Christmas I was stuck in a really tough relationship that felt challenging.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was really unhappy, I was drained and I was exhausted.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: This Christmas things are different, things are hard, I'm still challenged, but I'm actually free and I'm finding my peace.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Last Christmas, fear and a desperate need for connected love dominated my emotions, my every waking moment.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: This Christmas, I'm actually surrounded by real genuine love and support of friends and family, and that's replaced all the fear.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Last Christmas, I was still going through a messy, challenging divorce, really uncertain, unsure of what was what was ahead.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: This Christmas, I'm stronger.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: I've faced and overcome that difficult journey, and next Christmas I know I will be.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Blah blah blah.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Last Christmas I felt alone, isolated.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: This Christmas I'm enjoying the warmth of good friends, and next Christmas I'm gonna be in Italy.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's true for me.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, we're hoping it is.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um last Christmas we were arguing, fighting, challenged.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: It was filled with tension and angst and uncertainty.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: And while this year there's still some of that, there's also a lightness, a freedom, a hope that we're moving forward and we can create the change and collaboratively co-parent our kids so that next Christmas it can be a smoother, a smoother celebration, a smoother journey.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's something ahead that's way better than where I was last year, and it's definitely better than where I am right now.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it's waiting for you.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's waiting for you to reach for it, to claim it, to move forward, to consciously create it.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, you're separated, you're divorced, you're alone, you're single, you're solo, you're whatever, for really, really good reasons.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Remember those reasons.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Honour this as the best decision that you could make for you and for your kids, and the best way you can create the life that you most want for them and for yourself.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: If this is the first time that you're celebrating the holiday season, Christmas, spending time without your kids or without the traditions that have historically anchored you at this time of year, it's tough.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is always tough, and it gets easier.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Anchor into the belief that there are good things coming for you.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: This time next year, things will look a whole lot different to what they look right now, and you can consciously create something different and something beautiful for yourself, even in the messy middle.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: There are also two older podcast episodes about Christmas and going solo for the holidays.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't found quite what you need or you want some more support, go back to past episodes, just search for Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate Christmas.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: And there should be a total of three episodes available to you about Christmas and the holidays, going solo and after divorce.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever holidays you celebrate at this time of year and beyond, may they be mostly peaceful, happy, joyful, uplifting, but mostly filled with peace.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.