Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / The Sexual Orientation, Orientation | Grace Johnson | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

The Sexual Orientation, Orientation | Grace Johnson | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: What up sluts?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: How you doing?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is a this is the sex negative side of the room.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: We will we will warm you up.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: We will any single people?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Single people?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah! Sometimes I ask that and niggas act like I asked, do you have leprosy?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay, you know what I mean?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like the apps is trash, I get it though, right?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like Tinder is a horrible place to be, is it not?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe an app is kept going by people that think a threesome will fix the marriage.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Nah I mean, like, you'll be on there and be like, oh, this account is run by us.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, Foo Boo, he got 12 more accounts, baby.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: He got 12 more accounts.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Hate to break it to you.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, your couples therapist said teamwork, not tag team.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: So they told me get on Hinge.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: They said Hinge is the thinking man's app.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, something about like it's mad words on the profile or some shit.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I get on there, so I'm expecting, alright, there'll be a lot of black feminist lesbians holding books like white men hold fish.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because at this point, what is up with the fish, right?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can tell the fish apart, my nigga.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they be just, is that a sea bass, Connor?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Is that a salmon?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, what do you got there?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe shirtless holding it like a newborn.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just skin to skin with this shit on the titty.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't get it.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't get it.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I do not understand.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I get on the app, alright?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm there, I'm on Hinge, alright?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: The thing is with Hinge, like they act like they don't get to pick the questions and the answers, right?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like everything on their profile is a surprise, right?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I get on there, 10 minutes in, I get a match.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, ooh, love, right?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's how this works.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You laughed way too hard.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was delusional.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: What the kids call it?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: The Lulu?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I get on there, I got a match, I go on a profile, I swipe to the bottom.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, one of the questions on there was like, what is the biggest risk you've ever taken?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You expect regular shit, like, oh, I went skydiving one time, or oh, I was in a cockfight by accident.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like regular shit.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I I grew up in New York, I've seen things, okay?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, her profile said, I did crack once.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now I know what you're thinking.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Retro, right?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's a throwback.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've not seen that one before.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's different.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if my internal dialogue starts going, I'm like, damn, bruh, like, crack.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: My issue is not the crack, my issue is the ones, right?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why did you stop?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because Nancy Reagan, throat goat, told me, rest in peace.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Rest in peace to her.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Rest in peace.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you might not know about Nancy's exploits.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay, okay?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Economics wasn't the only thing that was trickling down, baby.
• 3:08
  unknown: Come on.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Get your mind out of the gutter.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean jobs.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Jobs was trickling down.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Hand jobs, blowjobs, jobs.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like jobs.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: There's a reason Ronald Reagan had that smile on his face when he was ruining black people's lives, okay?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: There was a reason.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Nancy said, just say no, right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Cause crack is addictive.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So my issue is like, why'd you stop?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, could you not afford more?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: You have a job, what's going on with you?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because I got trust issues, okay?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you couldn't commit the crack, how you gonna commit the me?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: She unmatched.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's cool.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's not the first time a crackhead told me yes, then no, right?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I be on the J train that night, so that type of thing happens.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on the train with every reason why universal housing should be a human right, okay?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's make that shit a right, you know what I mean?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's one man, you know, I'm like, I'm I'm I'm a lady, you know, I'm a lady, but I'm a feminist, so I'm compassionate, but I'm scared, you know.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's one man in particular, he keeps telling me, God told me to tell you you're gonna be my wife.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And God got social anxiety, so he never tells me directly.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because I am made in his image, so it makes sense.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you gotta go tell me, he told me to tell you you gonna be my wife.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, damn, that's crazy, bro.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's crazy.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want him, like, you know, they saying like they unhoused.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I like the name unhoused.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I want him so housed, I want him to be a homebody, okay?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want him so housed he has fucking uh uh uh a scented candle going in his house.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: I want a sourdough starter in the fridge.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I want him to have a weighted blanket.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want when his friends call him, he picks up the phone and he's like, actually, I think I'm gonna stay in tonight.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want him so housed and away from me.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, please.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're laughing because it's true.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: The issue now though is like me and my homeboys, you know.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gay.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: You picked up on that, yeah?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's context clues.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Me and my homeboys were in the same dating pool.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: You should be concerned, yeah?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um they didn't tell me that shit at the sexual orientation orientation.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Which we of course have, because Fox News told y'all, right?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we have those.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: How do you think new Subaros get born, nigga?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like it is a team of lesbian scientists hopped up on granola creating the safest car ever, man.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Women in STEM, you feel me?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, me and my homeboys, we're in the same dating pool.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: We're like dating like similar women.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So they're like trying to bond with me.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ugh.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's like bond with me about women.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: My homeboy called me up one day, 9 a.m.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Monday morning.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: He sells weed, he shouldn't be up at that time.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I got a corporate job.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I work from home.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't be up at that time.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, because I'm taking my second mental health walk of the day, and maybe my second breakfast, because I am a hobbit, okay?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just what it is.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's what it is, because I'm a socialist, you know?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, shout out.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all claimed that at that one.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're socialist too.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all ever pooped that work?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's socialism in action, bitch.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Socialism in action.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You ever stolen toilet paper from your job?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are some dirty communist scum, all of you.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the factors of production.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever used your job's Wi-Fi to apply to another job, you are an anarchist, bitch.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me you're not political.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Bruh, that's from a book called Everybody Poops by Karl Marx.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: That was a sequel to the first.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: He called me up, bro, 9 a.m.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Monday morning.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: First thing out of his mouth.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Man, Shorty tripping, bro.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: She tripping.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, good morning to you two.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know she tried to stab me.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm up.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm engaged.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because hate to break it to you, my dude.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you do have a certain stab ability too.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: You just do stab bullshit from time to time.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: You have a certain aura, you know.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can give you that feedback because I don't want to fuck you.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I see you as a whole person.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, man.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Maybe I got her pregnant now.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, right?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like the baby is doing a lot of work in that sentence.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's lifting with the knees, you know what I mean?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, man, bitches, right?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my nigga, did you forget that you called bitches?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I too am bitches.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yo, soy bitches, my nigga.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And two bitches, motherfucker.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did you think cuz I'm gay you call bitches HR?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: We have that as well.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Fox News told you.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, for real.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, especially because when me and that girl had sex, we didn't have that problem.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I pulled out, obviously.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am not the father.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: He hung up.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, it's it's cool.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's cool because I'm getting out of a like a sex drought, you know, like a like a little dry spell.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: See, I felt your sex negativity from you see, I called it.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I called it from when I got up here.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sex negative.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: You're supposed to woo.
• 9:38
  unknown: Man.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, I have a dry spell, man, and it's weird because like for a second there I was doing straight people shit.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Straight people never think they have shit, but they do.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: They do.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: If not, why'd I watch the entire Fast and Furious franchise from beginning to end?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Have y'all watched that shit lately?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why is Helen Miren in space with Ludacris?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they driving cars in space?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Straight people shit don't make no type of sense.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's cool.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I've done straighter things than that.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I did use the suck dicks.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: That was a thing.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I called it the sex negative side of the room, the non-dick sucking side of the room.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk to y'all.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I did use the, yeah, that suck dicks before.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was sucking the dick of a SoundCloud rapper pretty consistently.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: You seem so scandalized.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you should be.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: You should be.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's judgment, not laughter.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because what is straighter than sucking the dick of a man whose dreams will never come true, you know?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, my name is Grace.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Have a good one.