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Helping Your Child Manage Anger · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to Talking Facts.
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  What you need to know about family food,
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  finance and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized award winning podcast is hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
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  families and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Hello and welcome to Talking Facts.
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  This is your host,
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  Doctor Jennifer Hunter,
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  assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  Today.
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  I'm pleased to be joined by Doctor David Weise Horn Extension Specialist for parenting and child development.
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  Welcome David.
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  Thank you today,
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  David,
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  we're gonna talk about a topic that I think all parents struggle with at time but helping your child manage their anger and from the time that they're little to,
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  um,
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  even mine.
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  That's a big kid now that sometimes it's difficult as parents to be able to coach them and really help your child manage their emotions,
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  especially when they're feeling angry.
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  So today you're going to give parents some tips about how to help our Children through difficult situations.
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  Yes,
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  you're right.
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  And,
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  and I really appreciate where you started because it's true.
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  And I want to,
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  I just want to start here in that saying that anger is a healthy emotion.
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  And so what we're talking about is how anger when it's done,
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  right?
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  When it,
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  when it comes naturally,
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  it helps us learn about ourselves,
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  it helps us build boundaries and it often moves us into action.
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  And so today's discussion is not about teaching our child how to avoid anger or not get angry because I don't think that's necessarily healthy,
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  but more so about how to manage that emotion when it arises.
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  So,
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  David,
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  I do think it's a,
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  it's a good point that anger is a natural emotion,
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  that it's a healthy emotion.
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  So as a parent,
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  if,
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  if I notice that my child is angry or is showing signs of anger,
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  how is it that I can help him or her?
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  Well,
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  that's a good question because I was gonna ask you who's the most influential person in our child's life?
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  I'm gonna go with mom or dad or caregiver,
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  grandpa,
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  grandpa loved one that is taking care of that child on a daily basis.
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  You couldn't be more correct.
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  You're absolutely like it when I pass.
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  That's right.
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  You're batting 100.
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  All right.
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  This is good or,
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  I don't know,
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  maybe that's a bad sports analogy.
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  Uh I,
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  I don't play baseball but ok,
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  you're doing well and that's a exactly right.
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  So really when we're talking about how to help our Children,
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  the most influences that we have on our child's anger is the way that we model how we handle anger.
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  And so taking the time to examine how you express anger will be a huge component in ensuring your child is a good example of how they should express their anger.
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  So the first thing that I think we need to do is while we're taking account of how we respond,
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  we don't want to allow our anger to overwhelm our child.
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  And this could be very,
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  it is much easier said than done because about 95% of what makes me angry is my Children or working on a home project,
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  right?
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  And so,
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  so setting limits on your own words and body language when you get angry.
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  So avoiding yelling in the presence or using strong profanity as it can invoke fear and intense anxiety in a child.
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  And so we want to reduce that angry response that we're having when we feel angry or we see our child get overwhelmed.
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  So,
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  is,
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  is this a time that if a parent is experiencing the emotion of anger that they think maybe I need to take a time out,
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  maybe I need to walk away and count to five and take a deep breath and come back.
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  Absolutely.
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  And I'm gonna get because you're,
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  you're kind of,
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  you're getting there.
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  And this is what I like is that you're getting a couple of steps ahead of me,
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  but you're absolutely right.
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  Yes.
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  If you're feeling that way take a break because it really is showing your Children.
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  Hey,
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  wait a minute,
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  this is,
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  this is how dad's handling it.
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  This is how mom's handling it.
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  Maybe that's the way I should handle it.
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  But when we're talking about this overwhelming,
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  I want to sit here for a second because I'm gonna tell a story and,
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  you know,
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  I like to do that.
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  So I'm gonna tell a story about my,
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  my,
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  uh,
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  a recent experience with my Children.
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  So we're playing,
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  you know,
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  we had these conversation cards at the dinner table and uh one of the conversations or one of the cards rather asked if you could,
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  what,
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  what is one thing that was invented that you wish never was invented?
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  So my daughter says bed times because she wants because she wants to stay out.
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  I was like,
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  OK,
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  clever.
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  And I,
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  my son who's nine years old,
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  he said bad words and it really hit me that the impact that foul language has on my son and the anxiety that it causes him for him to say that.
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  And so,
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  you know,
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  of course,
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  that made me want to immediately ask,
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  well,
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  do you hear a lot of bad words?
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  And he said no,
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  but when I do dad,
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  they really upset me.
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  And so what that did for me as a parent is to say,
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  you know what I will do my best not to do that.
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  It is not a language that I like to use,
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  but in all honesty,
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  it does fly from my mouth at times.
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  Again,
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  oftentimes when I'm frustrated,
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  working on a home project or things aren't going well or I've had a long day and I feel frustrated.
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  And so,
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  uh sometimes my language slips into that profanity side and it can be disruptive and that's what my son was telling me.
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  And so one of the things I'll encourage parents to do that is if you're trying not to overwhelm your child,
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  put that boundary on it,
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  say,
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  hey,
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  you know what?
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  So I made a pact with my son that day.
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  I said,
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  you know what buddy,
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  I'm not gonna,
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  I'm gonna do my best not to use those words in this house ever again.
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  Will you hold me accountable?
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  And he said,
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  yes,
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  Children are good for that,
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  right?
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  They will tell they will be when you have,
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  they love it when you're wrong because they want to point that out because we probably do that too.
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  The second thing I would offer is to examine your response when your child is angry.
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  So the way you respond to your child's anger helps them find appropriate responses to their anger.
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  So very similar to that first one,
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  not letting your words overwhelm them,
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  but examining your response because again,
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  I'm a bit embarrassed to say that a lot of my anger response came from my children's anger oftentimes their anger with one another,
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  right?
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  They'll get fighting and they get mad and,
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  and they're disrespecting each other and then it upsets me or there's this other scenario that plays out where it's like this indignant,
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  how dare you be angry with me?
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  Feeling that rises up when I get that.
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  I hate you.
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  You're the worst parrot ever.
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  I'm sure you've probably never gotten that.
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  And so it can be very difficult when we hear those stories because it's hard for us to kind of manage that when it's pointed at us.
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  And so I've since learned that,
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  that they are simply expressing how they feel in the moment to saying,
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  hey,
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  I see you're frustrated with the fact that I'm telling you it's bed time.
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  Uh,
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  but that doesn't change the fact.
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  So just trying to stay the course,
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  staying calm is a good way to,
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  to examine how you're responding to that child.
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  And I think that's a,
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  that's a good tip,
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  David to remind parents that not to let their Children ruffle their feathers too that it just exasperates the situation or it just,
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  you know,
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  it makes it,
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  it makes it worse that if we get worked up,
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  then you know that your kid is going to get more worked up as well.
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  And there's nothing that feels more silly than to be yelling,
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  stop yelling.
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  Although I'm gonna say David,
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  it's very easy for us to sit here and not in the moment and,
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  and say,
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  so don't get worked up,
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  but at the time,
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  it can be more difficult.
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  Absolutely.
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  And I so appreciate that statement because I think the listeners need to hear this is not a uh a zero sum game.
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  We're not looking for perfection.
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  We're just trying to again take account uh and be accountable to ourselves as to how we're responding because the way we respond absolutely influences our Children.
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  The next thing is encouraging,
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  appropriate physical expression.
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  So when the feeling of anger arises in all of us,
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  it creates this tension in the body.
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  And so physical expression brings relief and a sense of calm.
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  So it's important.
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  Uh,
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  and so many Children express their anger through physical violence,
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  right?
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  And especially at a young age,
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  they start to hit or kick and while this is extremely inappropriate to conduct on another human or on an animal,
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  it can be acceptable to allow a child to squeeze or hit a pillow or to scream real hard into a pillow sometimes.
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  And so,
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  uh while that can be beneficial and that's ok,
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  I don't particularly encourage that I would rather encourage some sort of physical exhaustion.
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  So go take a run.
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  Obviously,
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  if they're old enough,
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  a three-year-old,
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  you probably can't send out to run around the block,
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  but I can my seventeen-year-old but um,
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  something that,
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  that wears their body down,
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  that tires them out.
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  Yeah.
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  What's your,
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  how do you express anger when you,
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  when you get angry?
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  What's your physical expression.
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  How do you reduce the anger when you feel it?
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  I'll go for a walk and you're an iron too.
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  I love to.
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  I,
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  yeah,
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  now I will.
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  So ironing is more how I release tension.
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  But I guess that could be anger at times too.
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  But,
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  um,
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  yes,
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  because I can go to a quiet room that is dark.
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  No one wants to come around when I'm ironing because I mean,
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  who wants to be in that room?
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  And so it does give me time to settle myself.
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  That will.
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  And as I say,
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  and your,
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  your Children have learned your,
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  your Children are in,
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  well,
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  I guess your youngest is starting to getting close to those teen years,
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  but you have a teenager and so you've had enough time to where your Children have probably learned that when mom's doing this,
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  mom is taking a break.
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  And so this is kind of where we were when you were like,
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  hey,
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  so is it ok to take a break?
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  Absolutely.
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  And I think it's good practice to explain why you're doing that.
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  There have been several times where I've just gotten up and said,
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  you know what,
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  I'm going to leave the room,
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  I'm gonna take a walk,
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  I'm gonna walk the dog or I'm gonna go for a run because I'm feeling frustrated.
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  And so again,
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  I'm letting my Children know,
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  hey,
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  dad's feeling frustrated.
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  So he's gonna go do something physical,
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  um,
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  to express that instead of expressing it in a negative manner.
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  And so again,
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  just trying to reinforce to our Children,
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  hey,
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  this is an acceptable behavior.
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  So,
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  David,
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  let's talk a little bit about when your child's feelings may be different than your own.
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  And how do you handle that situation?
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  And,
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  and do you need to try and help them come around to understanding that?
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  Well,
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  they shouldn't be as upset about this or this isn't as big a deal as they're making it or,
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  or whatever,
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  it may be great question and you're right.
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  So there are times where our feelings are not gonna match our children's.
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  For instance,
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  when somebody says David,
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  it's bedtime.
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  I'm excited.
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  Hey,
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  it's time for bed.
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  Yes,
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  I will race you to the room when my Children hear that.
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  It's very sad,
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  right?
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  They're very upset.
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  They don't want to go.
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  And so for me to say,
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  oh,
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  come on,
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  that's silly.
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  That's not important.
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  What we need to do is allow our Children to feel how they are and allow them to share that feeling as well while we may not agree with that or we may not feel it.
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  If,
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  if we discredit that feeling that might be received by the child as you're rejecting me,
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  uh a person,
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  rejection of who they are,
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  which can really hurt.
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  And then again,
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  fuel that anger.
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  So allowing your child to express their emotions freely,
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  gives them a voice and it can also help them feel empowered.
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  Doctor Wisn Horn.
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  Thank you for joining us today and providing great reminders and tips for parents as they're working through all the emotions that their Children may experience at home and helping them coach them through that.
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  Thank you so much for having me.
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