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Stay Awake. Stay Alert. This Is My Life: A Reflection · Dying to Tell You

• 0:00
  There are a few reasons for doing this podcast.
• 0:06
  First in some ways, this continues my work as a chaplain, allowing space for people to
• 0:10
  tell their story uninterrupted in a judgment-free setting where they are free to explore the
• 0:15
  meaning of everything that has happened and free to explore their hopes for what will
• 0:19
  come next.
• 0:20
  Another reason for this podcast is that the rest of us get the opportunity to learn from
• 0:25
  the experiences of my guests and the wisdom that comes from living with a serious illness.
• 0:31
  So many times over the last couple of years of hosting this podcast, there have been moments
• 0:35
  when the guests have said something and I've thought, I want to be like that.
• 0:40
  Amanda was wheeling into a brain surgery, one where she was going to be awake the whole
• 0:45
  time.
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  They were going to open her skull and mess around in her brain while she was awake.
• 0:51
  Of course, I've talked to many patients who've had this procedure.
• 0:55
  Some have been guests on this podcast.
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  Many have described the strangeness of being awake during a surgery, and many have described
• 1:01
  the fear or worry heading into the surgery.
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  But what caught my ear when listening back to Amanda's story is her mantra as she was
• 1:09
  heading into the surgery.
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  Stay awake.
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  Stay alert.
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  This is my life.
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  Yes.
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  Stay here.
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  Stay present.
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  Don't distract from what's happening.
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  Don't pretend.
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  Don't ignore.
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  This is my life.
• 1:28
  This is my life.
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  And when I heard Amanda say that, I stopped the playback and said, yes, out loud to myself.
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  I backed the recording up and made her tell me again.
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  Stay awake.
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  Stay alert.
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  This is my life.
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  Yes.
• 1:43
  This is my life.
• 1:47
  It makes me think of our very first guest, Aaron.
• 1:49
  He talked about the fine line between acceptance and resignation.
• 1:53
  I think acceptance is acknowledging what is and moving forward.
• 1:58
  Resignation is more like acknowledging reality, but continuing to look back longingly at what
• 2:04
  life could have been or should have been.
• 2:07
  Amanda, it seems, is living out what Eckhart Tolle means when he says, whatever the present
• 2:11
  moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.
• 2:16
  Always work with it, not against it.
• 2:18
  Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy.
• 2:23
  Leaning into the situation, becoming aware and alert to the present moment, and recognizing
• 2:27
  that this surgery is not something to get through or to get past.
• 2:32
  It's her life.
• 2:34
  How many times in a day do I find myself simply trying to get through something?
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  Getting through the drive, getting through the workout, getting through the laundry,
• 2:42
  getting through the yard work, getting through the recording of the reflection.
• 2:48
  That's not to mention the things that I'm actively wishing weren't happening.
• 2:52
  The sun is going down at 4.30pm and I'm wishing so hard that it stayed up later.
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  How futile.
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  How absolutely ridiculous to spend emotional energy wishing that the angle of the earth
• 3:03
  was different so that I could have a little more daylight.
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  Does my wishing literally move heaven and earth?
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  No, it does not.
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  Yet I pout in the darkness and complain about the briefness of the days with frustration
• 3:18
  bordering on anger.
• 3:20
  Mark Twain said, anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is
• 3:24
  stored than to anything on which it is poured.
• 3:29
  My anger about the state of the turning of the earth has likely done no damage to our
• 3:33
  solar system, but it certainly has put some tension in my shoulders.
• 3:39
  And I find myself metaphorically holding my breath until the sun starts shining a little
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  longer.
• 3:44
  I get through the solstice and start trying to notice the few extra minutes of sunlight.
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  Even though I know that there's a summer solstice coming.
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  And then guess what happens.
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  You get it.
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  When all the while this is my life.
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  And I'm missing it because I'm just trying to get past this so I can get to that.
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  But there's nothing to get through and there's nothing to get to because this is my life.
• 4:10
  I think I probably could have just played that clip of Amanda a few times and let that
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  be the reflection this week.
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  Because I don't know what else there is to say besides that mantra.
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  Stay awake.
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  Stay alert.
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  This is my life.
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  Whatever problem you're facing.
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  Whatever difficulty.
• 4:26
  Whatever win you've had.
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  Whatever you're working toward.
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  Whatever you're trying to get through.
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  Whatever you're wishing wasn't happening.
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  Or whatever you're so happy about.
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  No matter what is happening.
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  This is your life.
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  This is it.
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  And as far as I know, we only get this once to do it.
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  Rushing through it to get to the next thing seems silly.
• 4:55
  Last week before her interview was released, Amanda had another scan.
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  And for the first time since her surgery, the scan showed signs of progression.
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  Understandably Amanda is worried what this might mean for her.
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  And understandably, Amanda has been working with her medical team to figure out the next
• 5:12
  steps.
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  So I haven't had the opportunity to talk with her much, but I do know that it's likely
• 5:17
  that she'll have another surgery toward the end of January.
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  I hope you'll join me in sending love and good intentions Amanda's way as she navigates
• 5:26
  this difficult time.
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  And I hope that she, and all the rest of us, will have the wherewithal to stay awake, to
• 5:32
  stay alert.
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  Because this is our life.
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  And this is dying to tell you.