Latest / TFEs: Thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. (sports) / People Always Change

Transcript

People Always Change · TFEs: Thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. (sports)

0:04
Speaker 1: What happens when you get a text from your husband
0:06
and says, we need to talk about a change in partners.
0:09
Speaker 2: In this episode of TV's podcast, what happens when your
0:12
husband has a completely different thought without actually giving the intro.
0:17
Speaker 1: Context of your rambling text will be explained.
0:19
Speaker 2: I should we should discuss this on our podcast. Sorry,
0:23
we did.
0:24
Speaker 1: Talk about change and don't worry down does not want
0:27
to change partners, very happily married for the rest of
0:30
his life.
0:30
Speaker 2: In the contrary of that sentence that I read was
0:33
a little stressful.
0:34
Speaker 1: But you know what we did.
0:35
Speaker 2: We did our thoughts, feelings, emotions on it, moved.
0:37
Speaker 1: On and found a good place to Uh what happens
0:40
when individually and collectively relationships change?
0:44
Speaker 2: And the podcast and with Kelsey saying she's excited about
0:46
state planning, there you go.
0:48
Speaker 1: It sounds like you said steak planning, which I am
0:50
actually hungry.
0:51
Speaker 2: Can you make me a steake?
0:53
Speaker 1: Bye? What's going on? Welcome into tfv's podcast Dollan Cup
1:03
Kelsey Riggs Cuff.
1:04
Speaker 2: It is Uh.
1:05
Speaker 1: It's been a minute since we've sat here down together
1:10
and talked about our thoughts, feelings and emotions.
1:13
Speaker 2: Potted potted, Uh, that's funny.
1:17
Speaker 1: That sounds like part of the I feel like the
1:20
summer has flown by, and the summer has also taken us.
1:24
I feel like, in a million different directions, welcome home.
1:27
I missed you for the whole day and a half
1:30
that you.
1:30
Speaker 2: Were gone forty hours. I was gone, thank you. Yeah,
1:32
you're counting down to you. Good. I'm glad that you
1:34
know exactly how many hours minutes?
1:36
Speaker 1: Is that because because you were away and you were
1:38
sadder because you were counting down the hours until you
1:41
had to come back.
1:42
Speaker 2: Had you we got I got to until I got
1:44
to walk back into these doors. I think it was
1:45
like the show twenty four countdown Clock. It was there'
1:49
oh well, yeah, okay, I'm uncomfortable a lot of HYTHI
1:52
I'm showing right now. How do you feel about that?
1:55
I keep looking down. I'm like, I will comfortable. I
1:58
feel like it's good. I like it.
2:00
Speaker 1: I feel like you would have been less uncomfortable with
2:02
it if I had the other outfit that I had on,
2:04
because it was basically a child's romper.
2:07
Speaker 2: It was I sat down.
2:09
Speaker 1: I think it had been cut into basically underwear, so
2:12
I was like standing maybe sitting for an hour talking
2:16
maybe not.
2:17
Speaker 2: Hour could be aggressive because days I think is awake
2:19
so that I do want to bring lets go.
2:22
Speaker 1: He's just like doing a little bit of mumbling and
2:26
it looks like passy swapping.
2:29
Speaker 2: Can we go back to the high thigh? So how
2:31
do we feel about ma? Is that like an appealing thing?
2:33
Like men like high thigh for.
2:36
Speaker 1: Men's like but it's not like on you, It's not
2:40
like unappealing to me. I think like bathing suits, I
2:45
do like them a little bit shorter. If we go
2:47
too too short, then I'm like like, what are what's
2:50
What's what's happening over there? Definitely if I'm if they're
2:54
too long, I'm like, what's happening over there?
2:57
Speaker 2: It's like less not like a bill of bong short
2:59
and not a banana hammock. You want something in the middle, yes, exactly, Yeah, yeah,
3:03
not a banana. Not a banana. You're out on those? Yeah,
3:06
we know. Even on you, I think I'd be like,
3:08
what are you doing?
3:09
Speaker 1: You look so goofy?
3:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, it would not look good. It's not a good look.
3:13
I said on my head. I'm when's the last time
3:15
we're like tidy whities or anything? Even that had that
3:17
similar structure, not ever around, not since puberty, I don't believe.
3:23
So it's been a minute. It's been a minute. Uh yeah,
3:26
the speedo I swim in, but I swim at length
3:28
to a legger at lag speedo like that goes down
3:30
my leg. Yeah, but that things like sausage casing. So
3:33
that's about the tightest thing I've got going on here.
3:35
You go literally literally and figuratly. Yes, there you go.
3:40
Speaker 1: Uh your high diamond too. But yeah, I don't think
3:43
it's something that women really seek out.
3:46
Speaker 2: Can I ask you another as I was about to
3:47
do it? Yeah, men drinking out of straw thoughts, I
3:51
have no issues with that. It's that weird, Okay, that's
3:55
an efeminate quality to it sometimes does it. I mean
3:58
we're supposed to hols are supposed to drink. A smoo
4:00
smoothie is different, Gus, That's why I A mean, that's
4:02
a big straw smooth It's a big mug. But have
4:04
you ever seen a guy drinking like a mixed drink
4:06
of like the tiny straw, like moving their tongues like
4:09
getting it. I mean that's just that's different. No good,
4:12
But I mean, like a nice coffee. How it's a
4:14
drink straw straw Starbucks cup in the thing. Yeah it's obvious,
4:21
you know, but yeah, we have other colors. It's more
4:23
the cocktail out of a straw for a guy like that.
4:25
Speaker 1: Well, I don't think you're ever supposed to drink out
4:27
of tiny straws. Those are mixing straws. Probably that too, No, really,
4:31
I shaild probably that. Maybe that's I don't know why
4:33
they even may come into a straw instead of like
4:35
a mixer, because I don't I don't think that they're
4:40
proper interesting.
4:42
Speaker 2: Okay, cleared with a couple of things. Cotillion, could you
4:47
sound more more southern? I didn't chivalry of the chivalry.
4:52
I didn't doilion. I don't know what the hell it
4:54
is other than it's the big rich white people think
4:57
the I didn't do it. It was a did you
5:01
go to one god? Art? Like? Do you ever?
5:03
Speaker 1: I don't really even think I had friends that did either.
5:06
I'm trying to think if I know anybody that did Astelia?
5:08
Is that like a kings and the same thing? Uh?
5:11
Speaker 2: No, absolutely not. So what is a cotillion? That's not
5:14
about like the young girl getting like feted something like into.
5:17
Speaker 1: No, I think you go and it's like manners, and
5:20
here's the dinner setting and you eat from the outside in,
5:25
and here's where the other spoon goes. And oh, a
5:28
party with all of your napkin and what you do
5:31
when you leave the table. It's like proper etiquette for
5:35
I think for like a woman.
5:36
Speaker 2: But yeah, okay, I thought the cotillion was the party
5:39
by which you are living that life where you know
5:41
what to do with a fork.
5:42
Speaker 1: So you have to go to like the ktilion classes.
5:44
I think, I don't know, watch the summer. It turn pretty.
5:47
They like basically have about it.
5:48
Speaker 2: I think I'm going to lay up on that, but
5:49
I'll figure out. I think it's a one quick Google search.
5:52
I think I'll deal with and then I'll forget my
5:53
answer and be good to go. Yeah, not the same thing,
5:55
I can guarantee you.
5:56
Speaker 1: It's not interesting, and I guess like concept is probably
5:59
still not the same thing. But yeah, thoughts feeling the emotions?
6:03
How are you doing today? What's wrong?
6:04
Speaker 2: I'm making sure the mike's working. Your MIC's working?
6:06
Speaker 3: Hello?
6:08
Speaker 2: Hello, Okay, it looks so well?
6:11
Speaker 1: Hello? Is that better?
6:13
Speaker 2: It's very sexual a tone? Hello, Clarine? Have you ever
6:16
seen that movie. Yes, do you remember it?
6:19
Speaker 1: What's it?
6:19
Speaker 2: Annimal? He's the character, Yes, Hannibal Lecter. Good job that
6:22
was that was shocking. You got that. That's the name
6:24
of the movie, right, No you hello, clar that's Silence
6:27
of the Lambs. Yeah, they made Hannibal after that.
6:31
Speaker 1: But yeah, I've seen it, but I don't remember anything
6:35
other than meeting brains, which was very traumatizing.
6:39
Speaker 2: Eight brains.
6:40
Speaker 1: I just like that didn't make somebody else in it. Anyways,
6:43
this is weird.
6:44
Speaker 2: But anyway, anyway, what thoughts, feelings and emotions? Good? Good
6:48
sugwek that was strong? Reverse thoughts? Are you already kind
6:53
of said summer's flying by? But I'm I think we're
6:56
looking forward to our month here. I think today it's
6:59
been a it's a weird it's August, but it's a
7:02
rainy day and we've we've taken a slower morning, which
7:05
we don't do a lot of those, which is kind
7:07
of I hope when we are together here through this
7:09
next couple of weeks we will actually do that. But
7:12
if you're traveling that I'm traveling, so we're not going
7:13
to necessarily. I hope we have the time we do
7:16
a little of what we've done today, which was kind
7:18
of just hang out, which was nice with the kids feelings.
7:24
I felt like as we had Leri's we had her
7:26
camp movie Night last night, second annual big adventure, it's
7:29
maybe become an annual tradition here in these I think
7:32
it is. Think we're there, there is big on traditions,
7:34
which is good. I was just really like grateful for
7:39
our community. I like the fact that like we're you know,
7:41
we've we've started to build a network of family and friends.
7:45
But like yesterday was We've had people here for camp
7:48
movie Night one and birthday party, Christmas parties. We've done
7:53
a number of different changes. This was one maybe the
7:56
first time where I felt like every parent that was there,
8:00
like we know them now. It's not like the the
8:04
you know, not forced official conversation, yeah, that type of stuff.
8:08
It's we had more like real or fun conversations. Was
8:10
kind of right into it, like they felt it more
8:12
like friends and less like Lera's parents, Leara's friends' parents,
8:15
so that which that was cool, and I think that
8:17
was part of the mix of who all was there
8:19
and also just get to know people. So I was
8:20
like really grateful for that community. I had a fun time.
8:22
And I think when you're in that stage too, as
8:25
new people to a town or meeting people, I didn't
8:28
feel like stress or pressure, Like I didn't feel like
8:32
we had a lot, We had other things to do
8:33
to get the house or the outside ready. And you
8:35
did a shift on a bit while I was playing
8:37
golf the day before. Thank you. But I feel like
8:42
it was it was a relaxed, like fun experience where
8:46
just do whatever, kids, here's what we're going to do,
8:47
and it was. It was good. So I was very
8:49
grateful for like that community were building out in that
8:51
vibe and having that time with some folks and and
8:53
Lira having an awesome time and all the all the
8:55
kids having a lot of fun, which was great. So
8:58
I think it's like me right now, it's for the
9:02
remainder of the summer. It's like the hope to have
9:04
that gratitude of these days we have, like the valuing
9:09
of these times and moments for the rest of the summer,
9:12
because I do think the fall is going to look
9:14
different for me and it'll look busy for you. So
9:16
I think it's like really trying to value and appreciate
9:19
and be grateful and be really present in these times,
9:24
especially when we're here over the course of the last
9:25
month of summer, because there's not going to be a
9:27
lot of them.
9:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, I echo a lot of what you said there.
9:32
I do think it's interesting when you say, like we
9:35
don't have a lot of slow mornings, because I agree
9:38
and I hear what you're saying. But it's also like
9:41
our mornings are so different than people's mornings who like
9:44
work nine to five, because like even on days when
9:48
we have to like get up and get leer ready
9:50
for school, and even in the fall days is going
9:52
to start going to school. That'll probably be a future podcast.
9:55
I'll cry my eyes out during me Tom, you too, Yeah, exactly,
10:00
even in the fall when they're both going to school,
10:02
it's still not like we're all collectively needing to be
10:05
ready by eight thirty am.
10:07
Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
10:09
Speaker 1: Like there's some days where I'm like I need to
10:11
just change clothes just to feel like I have done something,
10:14
even though I've done things around the house. Like you know,
10:16
like what do people usually as soon as their child
10:20
wakes up and they change their diaper anymore in the morning.
10:22
I guess you usually probably have to go ahead and
10:24
change them out of their pjs. We usually leave him
10:26
in his pj's to eat breakfast because he gets messy.
10:29
But like when you're getting stuff done in the morning,
10:32
you're probably have to do it a little differently. So
10:35
it's interesting because, like, you're right, we don't have slow mornings,
10:38
and I felt like it was still like a very
10:39
accomplished morning, like you and I got a lot done
10:41
that kids really played. That's something that I'm like, really,
10:44
I think thinking about and grateful right now is like
10:47
the amount of playing together they're doing. You can tell
10:50
how much Leer enjoys it now because she can like
10:53
come up with little games and ideas and like, hell,
10:56
Dace what to do? And he's like her a little puppet,
10:59
you know, and she thinks such a so cool to
11:01
be playing with. And he's like, bye, guys, I'm going upstairs.
11:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was funny. So that's where she leaves him.
11:06
Come back here, yeah, yeah, come back here? Where are
11:09
you going? Come back here?
11:11
Speaker 1: So anyways, that was like a lot of different thoughts there,
11:15
as I hear days now starting a chalkdownstairs.
11:17
Speaker 2: That's good.
11:18
Speaker 1: That was a lot of different thoughts there about like
11:23
we do still kind of have slow mornings even when
11:25
we don't in a way, you know, compared to people
11:28
that have to literally be out the door at nine am.
11:33
Speaker 2: Which is again and that's a good reminder not to
11:35
cut you off, but I feel like, did you ever
11:39
have a real like one of like a nine to five?
11:41
You always had a profession in this profession like that
11:44
rat race feel I never did it with kids.
11:46
Speaker 1: I've always had like seven to two am or two
11:50
am to like even when I first started, I was
11:52
working as a production assistant on the six AM show
11:56
in Charleston. Yeah, so it's having to be there like
11:58
you know what, five in the morning.
12:00
Speaker 2: So yeah, you never had that, Like I guess I
12:02
think the rest of the world. But I always to people,
12:03
you've got a normal job or a real job where
12:05
you have to get up and be on and go
12:08
to Like some people still go to an office every
12:10
day and that same routine, the same train, the same bus,
12:13
the same whatever, the same car ride. But to have
12:17
your kids and have that be part of the routine
12:18
where you're getting them all ready and doing all the
12:20
stuff and you got to switch into work mode, Like
12:22
that's that's hard, Like for sometimes we'll have to go
12:25
to come up here and record something or do something,
12:27
and it's just it's just different. It's and I would
12:30
like try to remind myself a lot of people's lives
12:32
that are not our bizarre schedules.
12:35
Speaker 1: That was part of what was hard for me about
12:37
when we were going to do five days a week
12:38
for school at days. It's because for most people who
12:40
work some version of a nine to five job, their
12:43
child being in school from nine to twelve thirty, they
12:46
still need to figure out something for the afternoon, but
12:47
then you have the evenings with them. And I was like,
12:50
I'm going to end up missing the whole day with
12:51
because the mornings are usually when I have time, and
12:54
then he naps and I go to work in the afternoon.
12:56
Speaker 2: So my thought is, if he's gone to nine to.
12:59
Speaker 1: Twelve thirty, it comes out naps by the time he's
13:01
waking up at three three thirty, I have to go
13:03
to work, and so then I'll miss him. One of
13:05
those days it'll feel like I'll miss him. Now everybody
13:07
has said feel like you're missing Well, you just don't
13:09
have to send him to school. It's pre school to
13:11
do what you want and I'm sure we'll do that plenty,
13:13
because you'll collect plenty. You'll collectively also be just doesn't
13:17
make any sense. No, absolutely not. You'll be fine. He'll
13:21
be fine. You can pick him up from the school
13:22
to see it. We'll play by play by your He'll
13:24
be great.
13:25
Speaker 2: He'll be great.
13:25
Speaker 1: What's what happens?
13:26
Speaker 2: He'll want to go to school too. Then you'll feel bad.
13:28
Speaker 1: He's going to think that is really cool. He really
13:30
is is going to like it. So I'm excited for that.
13:33
But whatever, I want to talk about it because I'm
13:34
feel like this podcast for any reason.
13:36
Speaker 2: Sweet, I'll trying to work on that. Whateference did you say, huh,
13:39
I'm trying to work in that for something else? See
13:41
what I got for you, thoughts, feelings, emotions.
13:43
Speaker 1: You also mentioned cam movie night, which is awesome, and
13:46
you were joking, not joking, but talking about what I
13:48
did while you were golfing. I do love powerwashing and
13:52
needed to be done, so I powerwashed back deck. You
13:55
haven't walked around the side yet of the backyard to
13:59
see what the next problem is, because while Dace and
14:01
I were pillowing and around outside and kicking soccer balls
14:05
and he full on year old golf balls and the
14:07
next thing I know, he's spritten upstairs. Go get his
14:09
golf club to go hit the golf ball. I just
14:13
took a pair of shears and just absolutely obliterated a
14:18
lot of those trees back there that were hanging down.
14:20
Speaker 2: So there's a pile of trees.
14:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, so we need to call the landscaping people and
14:25
see if they'll pick them up.
14:26
Speaker 2: I mean, I did the landscaping for them. I just
14:28
don't have anywhere to put it. Yeah, they were like.
14:31
Speaker 1: Dead at the bottom because there are so many there's
14:33
so much growth on the top that only the leaves
14:35
on the top were growing. All the ones on the
14:36
bottom are dead. So it looks very very nice. Yeah,
14:40
but there's a lot of dead branches.
14:44
Speaker 2: The cool great. So we did that too. I like
14:48
stuff like that. I'm aware, I hate it this is
14:51
we've done.
14:51
Speaker 1: Lara kind of likes it too. I was eating the
14:53
front yard the other day and.
14:54
Speaker 2: She's like, ells, can I come help you?
14:56
Speaker 1: I want to come help you and I was like yeah,
14:58
And the next thing i know, She's.
14:59
Speaker 2: Like, is it gardening? So fun? Dad?
15:02
Speaker 1: We're gardening And I'm like, well, we're weating, but cool, Yeah,
15:06
let's pull these weeds and we can call whatever makes
15:08
you happy.
15:09
Speaker 2: And you guys need things that you do together that
15:11
I don't have to be part of it. That's this
15:13
is an important step in your relationship. Yeah, you got
15:15
other things, but I'm glad we found another.
15:17
Speaker 1: One weeding away the weeds. Literally, Okay. Feeling, I don't
15:23
even know if I hit thought so of the emotions.
15:24
That was a lot of different thoughts, feelings, emotions. Probably
15:28
I feel I think where I want to be right
15:32
now is present, because I feel like the summer has
15:36
already flown by, and then I look at a calendar
15:40
and I'm like, when the heck do we have anytime
15:43
in August? And then I look at the fall and
15:45
I'm like, oh God, and I don't want to do that.
15:49
I just like want to be here and enjoy the
15:51
stuff that we do still have planned in August, those
15:54
slow times that we have, the busy times that we have,
15:57
and then football season, and I think I feel it
15:59
more like I'm I'm literally getting on a plane tomorrow
16:01
to go do my first ACC football road trip, and
16:03
then I'll travel every week after that.
16:05
Speaker 2: You have some work travel coming up as well.
16:08
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just think it's like it's easy
16:10
to look at it and project things out ahead and
16:14
be like, oh my god, we're already there, but your life,
16:17
we're not. We're here. It's August third today.
16:20
Speaker 2: Which is why. So that's why I said we're in
16:22
the same place there. I guess like I mentioned being
16:24
present too, because this is I was driving home from
16:26
the airport yesterday morning thinking about not the projecting out
16:31
I got in my head, I'm going to be coming
16:33
back from this airport or JFK for the next seven
16:37
to ten days, for the next four months, like even
16:39
when there's a couple of weeks where I'm not supposed
16:41
to like like if you add it up, there's a
16:43
couple of weeks or two times a week, so it
16:45
is what it is. Like the next seven next fourteen weeks,
16:47
we're going to be going to making that trip. So
16:49
that's let's enjoy well, worker Yeah, present, so we're going
16:53
to kind.
16:53
Speaker 1: Of do I would like to get your thoughts, feelings,
16:57
and emotions on if your wife walked upstairs to do
17:04
something and then you got a text that said, I
17:08
think we should talk about a change in our partners
17:11
change is a collective.
17:15
Speaker 2: It's really poor, poorly written chromatical sentence. I was about
17:18
to start working on something else my head. I was
17:21
talking about thinking about the topic of what we should
17:23
discuss on this podcast before I did a different show.
17:27
Speaker 1: Because my thoughts when I wrote an out of knowwher,
17:31
I just see, I think we should talk about a
17:33
change in our partners.
17:34
Speaker 2: Change is a collective. I'm like what I wrote, change
17:38
in our partners, right, or just change in partners?
17:41
Speaker 1: I think we should talk about change in our partners.
17:45
Speaker 2: Change is a collective. I guess I read it as
17:47
like we should.
17:49
Speaker 1: Change change partners.
17:50
Speaker 2: I'm out.
17:51
Speaker 1: I was like, wait what I feel like we're in
17:54
a really good place right now, Like what the hell
17:57
is going on? And then I was I kept reading
17:59
it was like, oh, okay, he's seeing me like a
18:01
thought for the podcast. But my thoughts, feelings and emotions
18:04
when I read that were like, what the hell are we? Okay?
18:09
Where did this come from?
18:11
Speaker 2: Like you just went upstairs?
18:13
Speaker 1: I have we not been talking about this in TFS.
18:15
If this is how you're feeling, so would you like
18:17
to elaborate and open the door to what the conversation
18:20
that you were you were thinking about having versus the
18:23
one that I interpreted.
18:25
Speaker 2: Started starting having on your own and be like, what
18:27
the so my bad? That was a really out of context,
18:31
bad opening line, and just then the whole thing was
18:34
bad to.
18:34
Speaker 1: Maybe also because sometimes talk about series things, maybe just
18:36
start with like, hey, idea for BOD or idea for BOD,
18:39
or have an idea, so that it's not just fine.
18:42
Speaker 2: It could be anything to give you an understanding what
18:45
the hell I'm talking about other than just saying I
18:46
want to talk about change in our partners and as
18:48
a collective. So where it came to couple different conversations
18:53
with with friends recently and talking about our families, parents,
19:00
seeing their relationship, seeing relationships with people we know in
19:05
our own just the Nuronnics life experience is talking about
19:08
how obviously you marry somebody, and there's that old what
19:14
it's like this, and I'll saying, you know, women get
19:16
married to change their men, men hope that women never changes,
19:19
or something like that, which I think it's bullshit, but
19:22
there's some truth behind every kind of line like that. Maybe,
19:25
but say like you really believe that, I think is
19:27
a bridge too far. Where I'm going with this is
19:30
the like the thought about we all do change. Like
19:34
people say people don't change, it's not true. Like through time,
19:37
you will make some changes and how you treat people,
19:39
how you live your life, what you're interested in, what
19:41
you care about, could be physical change, emotional, mental, spiritual,
19:45
any of these things. So just contemplating that change and
19:49
how you handle that as an individual, Like if you
19:52
think you're going through it and you see things different,
19:55
you're feeling things differently, are you able to communicate that
19:57
with your partner if you're seeing them change in any way,
20:01
shape or form that is either positive or negative, how
20:04
do you assess that or communicate that? And then as
20:08
the couple, how are you changing through times, through your
20:11
different life experiences and how that kind of like affects
20:14
your life, your family's life, your kid's life, all these
20:17
different things. So the boy I wanted to bring it
20:18
up is just like we're still relatively like new in
20:22
our relationship. You know, it's only been a couple of years.
20:25
When you talk to people that are my age, a
20:28
lot of my friends have been married for five or
20:30
ten or fifteen or twenty years. Like there's a lot
20:32
of different life stage in there. So I'm just wondering,
20:35
like how you like think about change? Or I mean
20:39
maybe it's a question do you think I have changed?
20:41
Like and is that any relatively short time, But we
20:45
haven't really touched upon that or talked about that, despite
20:49
our life changing a lot too, like how have we adapted?
20:52
I guess too, I think you've changed. I remember when
20:57
when I met you, and we've already covered that on
20:59
the pot.
21:00
Speaker 1: You were to imagine and then I was like, oh cool,
21:02
he's actually not this person.
21:04
Speaker 2: Wow, this is awesome.
21:05
Speaker 1: It okay, so yeah, not bad.
21:10
Speaker 2: You know.
21:11
Speaker 1: I think the bigger thing to me with change, and
21:14
I think change is good. Like I I like change
21:19
in life. I like different different things. Like to me,
21:22
it doesn't always have to be the same. It's part
21:24
of what I like about our job. Everything every day
21:26
is a little bit different. It's not very monotonous. You're
21:28
always learning or doing something new. It's a little bit
21:31
not unexpected. It's still predictable, but it's it's just not
21:35
always the same. I think change individually and collectively is
21:40
a good thing because I don't want to be today where.
21:43
Speaker 2: I was five years ago or ten years ago.
21:46
Speaker 1: Now that doesn't mean that there are certain things about
21:48
my life that I don't hope are the same. But
21:50
I want to continue growing and evolving. And part of
21:53
marriage to me is us also changing together and growing
21:56
and evolving. But I think one of the things that
21:58
you present this topic that I think about changes, I
22:01
don't think changes within a relationship or to that person
22:06
feel as big if you're in constant communication, Like if
22:13
all of a sudden, I'm just like, I don't even
22:17
know what example I give you, Like out the door
22:19
every day at six am and doing this and doing that,
22:21
and like I have to do X, y Z, and
22:23
I'm on this strict schedule, and all of a sudden,
22:26
I'm like you twenty nineteen only salmon and salad. I mean,
22:31
that's not really good example. But if all of a sudden,
22:33
like I'm just like I'm doing this and I haven't
22:35
communicated to you that I feel a need to change,
22:39
or that there's something going on mentally or physically, I
22:42
got bad news with a doctor or something, you know
22:44
what I mean, Like, if we haven't talked about that,
22:46
then even if it's changes that are good for me,
22:48
it still is going to affect our life and our
22:50
day to day. And you're like wait, what the hell
22:51
where is this coming from? And then how do my
22:53
needs fit in? And things like that. So to me,
22:56
changes don't feel as big because like, if I was
22:59
going to do something like that, we would have already
23:02
talked about like the impetus of it, or like what
23:05
was what was driving those feelings to make a drastic
23:09
change in the first place.
23:11
Speaker 2: Does that make true? Yeah, I think in what you're
23:13
describing too is like acts, all these acts of changing
23:17
your your life or your habits or what you prioritize
23:21
in doing each day, which I do think if you're
23:24
going to go about that in any way, shape or form,
23:27
having that conversation upfront is important just so your partners understand.
23:31
I mean, it's stupid, but I've told the story a
23:33
number of times because it was like a discussion. But
23:36
I wanted to start to be trying to be good
23:37
at golf two winters ago, and I said to you, like,
23:39
I'm going to get clubs. I'm going to do this.
23:41
I want to go to the whatever the simulator two
23:45
or three times a week. And You're like, what for
23:47
like for how long, like the middle of basketball season.
23:49
But we talked about it. You didn't love it, but
23:51
you got it, and it was like we we agreed
23:54
on it, and you probably more than like we were
23:56
begrudging about it, but you're like, this is probably stupid,
23:58
but he seems really adamantbout the and it's a finite
24:00
period of time. I think that stuff. If you have
24:02
the conversation up front versus saying, I'm just doing these things, yeah,
24:06
I guess I'm more so saying if there's not saying that,
24:11
it's more the subtlety, whether it's the detachment or the
24:14
need to. I mean there's periods in time people like
24:17
I need to go out, or I want to feel
24:19
if a relationship doesn't, you don't feel wanted sexually, I
24:22
want to feel wanted from anybody. Like that's some unhealthy
24:25
stuff that you can't necessarily see. You could feel it
24:27
at times, but as that person starts to go through
24:30
that or any of these things, am I sad am?
24:32
I for some reason, I can't find the happiness we
24:35
once felt. I am finding way more frustration. I am
24:38
short of patience. I am describing myself. Sometimes it sounds
24:42
like right now, like are there? You know, when those
24:45
things become way more persistent, it's almost like how do
24:48
you address those to make sure that there is a
24:51
positive outcome, Because sometimes I think you said communication. I
24:55
think the foundational relationship is important. If you're in a
24:57
really good spot, you could probably say most things and
24:59
that be fine if you feel like the person's attaching,
25:02
but you've got your own shit going on, Like that's
25:04
a hard conversation to have, and I'm carrying I think
25:06
I'm I am carrying a former relationship in my mind
25:08
that existed here that had a lot of that. And
25:11
I've seen it with other friends as well, where they're
25:14
in a place where it's not really discussed. They're just
25:16
living it currently, And that's you just I said, it's
25:20
not discussed. So communication is a huge piece. I just
25:22
wonder how much people think about that before it becomes
25:28
a problem.
25:29
Speaker 1: I think it depends on the relationship, and I'd like
25:32
to me it still does go back to communication, because
25:34
like I mean, you've heard the saying that, like you know,
25:36
whether it's divorce or relationship ending if you're not married yet,
25:40
Like that doesn't happen because of one thing. Yeah, it's
25:43
a million little things and a little microcosm of moments
25:46
that maybe lead to one big thing. But there's all
25:49
of these things that aren't talked about, all of these
25:51
things that aren't said, all of this resentment that builds
25:54
up all of these different things that you. I feel like,
25:57
if there's one thing that's on your mind and you're
26:01
not comfortable saying it that day, maybe i'll bring it
26:04
up this weekend. Oh well, we're having a really good weekend.
26:06
I don't want to bring it up. This kind of
26:08
bother me, but it'll get better. And then all of
26:09
a sudden, this little thing that could have been a
26:11
quick conversation, you nip it in the button, move move on.
26:15
All of a sudden, it's three weeks later. You've been
26:18
resenting the fact that this is still happening or happen
26:21
and you never talked through it. And then that thing
26:23
that could have been small becomes bigger and bigger, and
26:26
then it builds on because Okay, maybe now it's not
26:28
just this, it's something else. That's why to me, like,
26:32
if you're not in a place where you feel like
26:35
you can communicate openly and honestly with your partner, then
26:40
the best thing to do is try to figure out
26:42
a way.
26:42
Speaker 2: To like start that based off a conversation because.
26:45
Speaker 1: All of these big things that you're saying that that
26:48
could happen, or all of the changes that are small
26:52
and become big, Like if you can't express those things
26:56
like you talk about like you used to like look
26:58
yourself in the mirror and be like, I'm not happy
26:59
at this lie, I'm not having a life. I need
27:01
to just say it out loud. And you couldn't just
27:02
say it out loud. You could say it to yourself,
27:04
but you could not did not have the emotional I
27:09
don't know if capability or connection to be able to
27:13
say that and figure out what's next.
27:15
Speaker 2: And part of it is scary when it's something I'm.
27:16
Speaker 1: Sure that big, because it's like if I say this
27:18
out loud, where do we go from? You know, like
27:21
is there a fix or is there no turning back
27:23
if I say this out loud.
27:25
Speaker 2: To cut you off there, sorry, but it's a really
27:28
important point. I think if you don't say anything, you
27:32
are kind of writing the ending yourself. If you are
27:35
in that place where you are really unhappy with your life,
27:38
whether that's personally in a relationship, a marriage, a friendship, work,
27:44
if you are saying that over and over yourself but
27:46
can't take any steps to fix it. It can't even
27:49
articulate it to anybody. That just that's untenable. It's it
27:53
can't survive. Whereas I think if you are find a
27:56
way to address it with that person, whether that be
27:59
your spouse and a family member, your parents, your boss,
28:04
then there may be a shot to fix some stuff.
28:06
But if you don't say anything, it's very rarely can
28:10
any of your circumstances change if you don't just begin there,
28:12
Because saying it and having a conversation usually leads to
28:15
some sort of action.
28:16
Speaker 1: That's all well, And I think it's not even necessarily
28:19
being able to say it to your partner or spouse
28:21
or your boss or whatever. It's like actually taking the
28:26
step to find somebody to talk to. Like if it's
28:28
not safe, it doesn't feel comfortable enough, you're too scared
28:31
to like say it out loud to the person who
28:32
it's going to affect. Then, Like, who do you have
28:35
in your life that you can say it out loud
28:37
to that you can have a real conversation with and
28:39
be a sounding board for what you're going through or
28:42
are you willing to say I don't know what to do,
28:44
I need to talk to a therapists. I need to
28:46
figure out what's next, and I'm not ready to figure
28:48
it out with that person yet. I don't have the
28:50
tools to like look at this person and say it
28:53
because I'm scared of what happens next. So let me
28:55
find a safer place where at least like it's almost
28:58
like an outlet, like, but it's a hell, the outlet
29:00
of like taking steps to figure out what happens next.
29:05
Because change is inevitable. It's going to happen good or
29:09
bad over time with people and with relationships and as
29:13
we learn and meet new people and experience different things.
29:16
Speaker 2: But I think making sure like our.
29:20
Speaker 1: Human needs are met and that our feelings are able
29:23
to not be something that is just like stuck inside.
29:27
I think that that's like the heaviest feeling of just
29:32
I don't know what to do what's next when you
29:33
have all of these things in your head and in
29:35
your mind and in your heart and you're just like
29:38
they're all here, but like, let me just smile and
29:40
pretend like everything's good, because that's what everybody thinks.
29:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd let me ask you this, how if a
29:48
lot of the challenges you're going through or outside of
29:51
your spouse relationship. If things are good there, like how
29:55
much do you rely on that person to sometimes check
29:58
you and what you're thinking, support you, or question you,
30:01
or push you in different ways? And if that person
30:04
is no longer there, how does that how do you
30:06
think that affects you? What do you mean if they're
30:07
not if they're divorced, if they pass away, you know,
30:10
if you become separate. I'm I'm saying this from like
30:15
personal experience with some people that I've watched and older
30:18
folks that have lost their person, and when that person's gone,
30:21
you've I feel like I've seen that person change because
30:24
they've lost the mooring they had to a different perspective
30:28
to one of the few people in your life that
30:30
you would share these things with where they would maybe
30:32
check you and and some of your I think about
30:35
it too, like individually, I have some character flaws. I
30:38
am inherently a selfish person. I am I can be
30:42
you know, rude to say the least. I can say
30:45
things and do things that aren't the kindness and it's
30:46
not it's not a good thing. I don't want to
30:48
be that way, but sometimes this happens that a lot
30:50
of good character. Well, thank you, like this podcast always
30:53
like I do this wrong.
30:54
Speaker 1: And I do that, and I do that.
30:56
Speaker 2: The one of saying that is because when you're left
30:58
to your own devices and a person is and helping
31:00
you check you on your shit, and your shit is
31:04
going unfettered, and that I think can help perpetuate some
31:07
negative change. And I just wonder like if you, I
31:10
guess it's kind of saying how much do you think that's?
31:13
Because you said anybody which is important? But I think
31:16
our circle is pretty small people you can really share
31:19
whatever it is with. And the direct relationship that is
31:21
usually closest to people who are listening as pod is
31:23
either their partner or spouse, their boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever it
31:26
may be, that if that person is no longer your
31:29
person to do that, or as you said before, you're
31:31
no longer safe doing that because the relationship went south, whatever,
31:35
how do you think that affects your ability to identify
31:38
some of your own problems and challenges and some of
31:41
the negative changes that may take place in your life.
31:43
Speaker 1: I think it depends on the person, for sure, and
31:46
it depends on if there are other people that maybe
31:48
don't fill that same void. But are still comfortable safe spaces,
31:53
or if you're willing to try and cultivate some of
31:57
those relationships because you know that you need that. But
31:59
I think gets probably very easy, like in a way,
32:04
to lose touch with reality, like you don't. It depends
32:09
on what the scenario is. But if you don't have
32:11
somebody that's checking you or somebody.
32:14
Speaker 2: I think, yeah, they have to be able to say
32:16
whatever the relationship. You have to feel some way about
32:17
the relationship, yeah, but they have to be able to
32:20
tell you the real shit. And that's the hardest part
32:23
is having a relationship where both parties.
32:24
Speaker 1: Can actually not text the other friend in the friend
32:26
group behind the back afterwards like dang, somebody's got to
32:29
say this, but it ain't gonna be.
32:30
Speaker 2: Me, or I find out I Am not going to
32:34
be really real right now because this is she seems fragile,
32:37
he seems in a bad If I pile on or
32:39
do this, who knows what happens versus you know, there
32:43
are some relationships I feel like you have that foundation
32:46
in respect and love that it's like I'm saying this
32:50
for your best interest, although it may be hard to
32:52
hear right now, but somebody's got to gotta say it.
32:55
Speaker 1: I think it goes back to also to whatever the
32:58
trauma is the person had, Like if it was the
33:00
loss of a relationship, if it was a divorce, it
33:03
was death, whatever that was too, Like you're saying, there,
33:06
you do want to for a little while, like protect
33:09
that person and their mental health and their well being.
33:11
Speaker 2: And especially if it's somebody.
33:12
Speaker 1: That you like, love and care about that you're like,
33:15
I'm not about to like stay here and check them
33:17
right now and be like we need it.
33:18
Speaker 2: We need to talk about this, because what you're saying,
33:20
you're becoming an asshole and I want to stop this.
33:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, this is crazy.
33:24
Speaker 2: This doesn't make sense.
33:25
Speaker 1: You're not just going to come out and say that
33:26
because you do want especially if they're like feeling better
33:30
and seeing that they're coming on the other side of something.
33:33
But that's got to be hard to especially when it's
33:35
a negative change and it's someone that you love and
33:37
you don't feel like I feel like it's the same thing.
33:40
Like if it's somebody that you love that you're not
33:42
in a relationship with that it it's very easy to
33:45
create that distance over time because you like you don't
33:48
want to rat the BUTA, you don't want to say it,
33:49
so you just kind of let it go.
33:50
Speaker 2: Let it go.
33:51
Speaker 1: But then, at least for me, I'm such an open
33:55
book and I'm so like talking about my thoughts, feelings
33:59
and emotions and other people telling me their thoughts, feelings, motions,
34:02
life story is just like has always been a part
34:05
of my life. It's like from being a bartender and
34:10
somebody on their first beer being like, I have no
34:12
idea why I told you that, Like I've never told
34:14
anybody that, why are we talking about this? It's like
34:16
twelve forty on my lunch break and I was just
34:18
having you know, lunch here with a beer to like
34:21
some of my friends sharing their deepest, darkest secrets with
34:24
me over the years in me as well. I think
34:27
for me, when I'm not sharing as much as I
34:31
feel comfortable with and sometimes maybe it's even like if
34:34
I'm not sharing everything, like I feel like I'm not
34:37
being authentic. I feel like there's like I don't know,
34:41
like more to be said or like I'm withholding and
34:44
I have said before, I think you know, information and
34:47
letting somebody in as privilege and not everybody deserves that
34:50
access and you get to do that on your own timeline.
34:53
But I think it's hard for me, as someone who
34:55
has always been an open book that if like I'm
34:58
not saying something out loud to somebody that I love
35:01
that I think and feel, it's almost like I distance
35:03
myself a little bit, because then how am I going
35:05
to have a conversation with you If I can't say X,
35:08
Y Z, or if I can't talk about the biggest
35:11
part of my life where I'm not comfortable sharing this yet,
35:13
then like, let me just kind of like back into
35:16
a corner for a little while until until I'm ready
35:19
to say or doing it all, which.
35:21
Speaker 2: Is honestly how I live for a long time, which
35:22
is like you can you self select out of relationships
35:26
because you don't know how to handle a conversation or
35:28
you don't want to bring it up, you don't want
35:29
to change the way they perceive you, which is just
35:32
not inauthentic, as the word I learned to use there too,
35:35
to be like, it's not authentic to who I want
35:37
to be or who I am, it's what this thing
35:40
has been created, and there's there are only a few
35:42
people that lived within a a I would say that
35:47
I didn't interact with that in that way maybe nobody
35:50
at some point in my life, which is not really healthy.
35:52
I do think it's way different now. I think from
35:54
most of my friends, like I Wes. We've said before
35:56
in this pot like, well we're having a conversation, I
35:58
want to be as real as possible because it's now,
36:00
if I just know you and i'm your coworker, I'm
36:03
pretty good. I'll just I'll probably just talk a lot
36:05
less like that's not there's times and places for certain
36:09
things that I just don't mean. I'm not going to
36:11
get into that right now, but I definitely think even
36:14
though now I think I'm still more real with people,
36:17
it's just in this situation that we're talking about is
36:21
having those people and when I do say, check you too,
36:24
like they have to be able to to communicate things
36:27
in a way that you can hear them. But there
36:29
are like I could see myself like That's why I
36:31
asked about the spouse relationship too, because there are times
36:33
where if I say something or something you'd be like,
36:35
I just don't that's just not right, Like and you
36:37
can we can then we can have a disagreement about it.
36:40
But I don't think you're ever. I don't think you
36:43
need to. I don't think you are like would sugarcoat
36:45
the response in terms of like, no, that's you, that's
36:48
not that's not good, that's not cool. But if it is,
36:51
if you're doing things I think and changing in a
36:53
way that is negative. I'm really thinking about treating people
36:55
how you view the world like just this different kind
36:58
of broader stuff that changes over time, but this is
37:00
not almost like this is not who you are. Like
37:03
very few people could say that that's not who you are,
37:04
like what's going on here and then kind of dig
37:06
into what's going on there? There aren't there many people
37:08
that can pose that question a way that that is
37:12
arresting to somebody to like stop them, be like waitit,
37:14
wait what and then have a real conversation.
37:17
Speaker 1: What do you think in relationships though, when there like
37:20
is there a like when there's like a collective change
37:23
that needs to happen or that like one partner wants
37:26
to happen. For instance, church is something that we always
37:29
had conversations about and that you knew how important that
37:33
was to me before we were ever having kids. We
37:37
had a conversation sitting on your couch apartment about like
37:40
that in religion because it was you know, we were
37:43
pretty serious pretty fast, and it felt pretty serious pretty fast.
37:48
So we had a lot of those real conversations. But
37:50
when it's kind of things that are either I guess
37:53
it's not really lifestyle that's more spiritual, but when there's
37:55
like lifestyle changes of collectively as a couple, like I
37:58
want this for us, or you know, I say things
38:01
like okay right now, like work is hard because as
38:04
much as we're sitting here saying we love our community,
38:06
we're gone on the weekends. I'm like, I want us
38:08
to also like be ingrained in the community. I want
38:11
to feel like we know what's happening with the hound
38:14
whatever and with the kids in high school and all
38:17
of those things, and what does that look like? But
38:19
it is something that as we project out years ahead
38:22
that I think about, like what does that look like
38:24
for us? When there are things that one person wants
38:28
collectively for the couple or for the lifestyle, like what
38:32
do you think matters there?
38:36
Speaker 2: It depends on what it is with something with like
38:38
our situation with religion. Your patience was pretty amazing, and
38:42
I do think you're maybe did you sense it, you
38:47
feel like if you push too hard, I just push back,
38:49
and we weren't going to we would it wouldn't get
38:50
to a place. I think ultimately, you wanted to be
38:52
in a place where we were going to church together,
38:55
we're raising our kids in faith, and we're having you know,
38:59
a life you'd viewed that regard. Did you think it
39:01
was like in peril if you thought if you pushed
39:03
it that I would push back. No. I think it
39:05
was important to me that you were going because you
39:10
wanted to, not because.
39:12
Speaker 1: You were going form like to me, church is not
39:16
checking a box like I want to leave with something
39:19
that fills my cup that I can lean back on
39:23
that week in the future. That like that I take
39:26
with me took a form of therapy, like I don't
39:29
want to. I mean, I had somebody that I dated
39:33
before and on Easter church I dated somebody before and
39:40
on Easter Sunday, I remember, we went to the type
39:44
of church service he wanted to go to, which was
39:47
not the type that I had grown up to and
39:50
in my experience, was not the type that I left
39:53
feeling like I got something out of And he said
39:55
something like, okay, go we check that box, and I
39:57
was like, yeah, exactly like I did. I do not
40:00
want to feel like I'm just checking a box. I'm
40:02
not doing this to say that I go to church.
40:04
I'm not doing this to like post something on social
40:08
media like here's I believe in God. I love God.
40:11
I'm doing this because it's like what I feel and
40:13
what I believe in, what I want, and because I
40:16
wanted to feel like more every time I walk out
40:18
of there. And so it's not that I felt like
40:22
if I pushed that you were gonna like in some regard,
40:25
I knew that, you know, there was a little bit
40:27
of a pushback, but you know, I think you said
40:32
to me one time something about like it was you
40:36
were always going to support it, but you didn't know
40:39
that you would necessarily be the one. I think you mentioned,
40:41
like you that you felt like your dad kind of
40:43
just went to church on Sundays, like it was my.
40:47
Speaker 2: Dad grew up in the church, he would he converted
40:50
to Catholicism. For my mom, I don't think, Okay, so
40:52
maybe that's what it was, that it was like a difference,
40:54
like my mom has Catholic guilt where she didn't go
40:57
Like when you said check a box, it sounds like
40:59
my mom thought process something yels like she was if
41:02
she didn't go, she felt bad, but I don't know
41:04
if she enjoyed going and then you go. She had
41:07
some problems to Cava Church getting me confirmed. They wanted
41:09
to me to pay money again, and she was like,
41:11
I just want my kid to care about Jesus and God,
41:13
and you guys keep keep taxing me. And I think
41:16
that was kind of the breaking point for her at
41:19
some point. But yeah, I'm.
41:20
Speaker 1: Sorry, no, no, because I was trying to remember what
41:23
that conversation was, because I think our conversation at that
41:26
time was something about, like, you know, if we were going,
41:30
it was like you were going, but it wouldn't necessarily
41:32
they wouldn't at that point, they weren't going to see that,
41:35
like it was like your initiative, like you would go
41:38
and being a participant. I'm not like a willing leader,
41:41
you know what I mean.
41:42
Speaker 2: I'm going because you want to go, and they would
41:44
probably feel that bad.
41:45
Speaker 1: And I was like, I don't, but I don't love
41:47
that either, because then it's insincere and then that is
41:49
something that's passed down. So I didn't want to push
41:51
it either. And I was appreciative that you would do that,
41:55
but for me, it was bigger, like I wanted you
41:58
to also feel that you weren't going to check a box.
42:02
I wanted you to go because you felt something and
42:04
you were getting something out of it, and because you know,
42:07
there's a whole afterlife that I you know, believe in
42:11
of of you know, heaven and hell and getting to
42:14
spend eternity you know in heaven and that I wanted
42:19
that for you. But I felt like I wanted it
42:21
not just to come naturally. I don't know, I mean
42:24
not to again get like dark and serious, but like
42:28
and I've said it before, like I truly I feel
42:32
like when we were going through the miscarriages and then
42:34
your contract wasn't renewed and all of these things cope
42:37
parenting like it just felt like hit after hit and
42:40
I kept finding trying to find ways to not say,
42:43
like why is this happening to me or us?
42:45
Speaker 2: But it's it's like.
42:45
Speaker 1: Human, it's impossible not to do that. It's so hard
42:48
and you're just like there's no way. Okay, well at
42:50
least don't know what somebody else has with what they're
42:53
dealing with, but like why they're Okay, no way this
42:55
is going to happen again, and it does. And I
42:59
feel like I wanted to like I wanted a purpose
43:02
for all of that pain. I wanted to feel like,
43:05
why is all of this happening? I wanted to have
43:07
an answer to that, and truthfully, like, to me, the
43:10
answer is I feel like it it brought you to
43:14
where you are now spiritually. I feel like God was like,
43:17
there's no other way that I'm going to go to
43:19
reach out, Like, you know, we're at rock bottom right now.
43:22
How are we going to like like what are we
43:25
going to turn to to figure out? Like how do
43:27
we get through all of these hard things? And we
43:30
still have many blessings in our life inspite of all
43:31
of those things. But to me, like the purpose of
43:34
that pain was like kind of where we have grown
43:38
spiritually now and where we are And I think truly
43:43
that we had to hit rock bottom with all those things.
43:46
Speaker 2: What I hope is rock bottom.
43:48
Speaker 1: You never know, you never know, but what I hope
43:51
is rock bottom. And I think it's also given me
43:54
more clearity because when other things have happened, I think
43:56
I've had this mindset of like, Okay, if this doesn't
44:01
happen the way that I think it's going to happen,
44:03
or if this next thing doesn't work out, or if
44:06
you know, whatever is and on my timeline moving forward,
44:09
I feel more like okay, but I know that it's
44:13
going to be okay, Like this isn't the end, So
44:15
this isn't the plan yet, I don't know. It just
44:17
has given me so much peace about the situation. And
44:20
for me, that's the like gratitude that I have in
44:23
the purpose of all of that pain is just this
44:26
better understanding, not of like, you know, why did all
44:29
these hard things happen, but like the gratitude of where
44:33
we are right now and where we'll continue to be,
44:36
whether the next thing is hard or good or whatever
44:39
is next. Sorry, that was a lot.
44:41
Speaker 2: It was that was really well said. A lot of it.
44:44
I asked the question on a lot of mean. Yeah,
44:46
all of it is well said, I thought quickly where
44:49
he ended At the end, I feel like there's I
44:52
have to believe. I don't have to believe that that
44:54
that you're right, that this all and everything happens for
44:57
a reason and end up in a spot and will
44:58
continue to grow from and whether it's good or bad.
45:02
Handle it better collectively and with you know, rooted and
45:05
rooted and faith and I'm I don't I'm interested to
45:07
see next where my journey goes in this whole spiritual,
45:11
faithful realm that we kind of got into relatively quickly.
45:14
I don't know, because your point, I would first times
45:15
in church with like, I feels different and there was
45:17
something that felt different, and then I enjoyed and wanted
45:22
to feel again and wanted to put me more of
45:24
a contemplative state. We've gone through it on the pod before.
45:27
The reason I asked you about the pushback is because,
45:30
like in a self assessment, I think that was smart
45:33
by you, Like I feel like if you push me
45:35
in that regard, then I'm going to push back in that.
45:37
For that reason, then we talk before like I felt
45:40
I knew this is the way mean right, but I
45:44
would have I may have that may have not. I
45:45
think you're how you handle that was really impressive given
45:50
how important it is for you. So the initial question
45:52
or conversation was around when when you want a collective change,
45:55
one party wants it. I think kind of knowing your
45:58
partner at times and what the ask is or what
46:01
the question is or what the desired outcome is especially
46:04
because one thing was saying like hey I want to
46:07
go to the gym more, or hey I don't want
46:09
to suck at golf. That's a very like can be
46:11
an individual situation, something like how we raise our family,
46:14
like if you want to move, if you want to
46:17
have a different experience, you want to put your kid
46:18
in a different school, like whatever. Like there when there
46:20
are some large things that maybe your approaching is you
46:24
feel this way and you want to get your partner
46:27
on board. For lack of a better term, I think
46:29
it's or make a collective change towards how we live
46:32
our life, especially if things are going hard within the relationship,
46:34
like this is not how I want us to go forward.
46:37
How what is the best way to communicate that change
46:40
and how you can knowing your partner too, I guess
46:43
it's really important in terms of how you communicate them
46:45
in what way when like all that stuff does matter
46:49
to get the real desired outcome. When things are good,
46:54
it still can be a challenging issue. When things are
46:57
not good, it could be a challenging issue. And that
47:00
when there's you know, tremmors in the founda when there's
47:03
like cracks in the foundation. You know, there's going to
47:05
be a lot of you care every all these conversations
47:07
carry more baggage, I feel like when you're not in
47:10
a great spot, So it's really hard to make a
47:12
collective positive change, whether it be something like, hey, I
47:15
think we need to go to therapy. That could be
47:16
a really loaded fucking thing. Excuse me making loaded thing
47:19
to say, but you think that you're saying that in
47:22
a positive to help, but that may not be the
47:26
way in which it's presented or the manner of how
47:28
it's said or when it is said may not have
47:30
the desired outcome for the two.
47:31
Speaker 1: I think part of what you said about knowing your
47:33
partner is like the biggest thing, because as you're saying
47:37
all that and I'm thinking through it, it wasn't really
47:39
necessarily that I thought that there was going to be
47:42
some major pushback from you, But I also knew you
47:47
and I had listened, and I had listened to you
47:50
describe what you had felt like in the past and
47:54
how you had felt in past relationships, and part of
47:56
like your self assessment was that you kind of like
48:00
it was almost like in a lot of ways, especially
48:02
when it came to parenting like you were just like
48:05
you didn't get to have a lot of impact and input,
48:08
and some of that was because you were working, so
48:10
you just like assumed like, Okay, I'm gonna like take
48:13
the back seat because this is what you're saying and
48:15
you're the one that's there. I think I approached parenting
48:18
differently than I probably would have just knowing kind of
48:21
some of that. But like there was so much that
48:23
you had shared about where you were coming from, and
48:25
then also like you had shared before, Like it's almost
48:28
like sometimes you felt like you would push back and
48:30
say no to think just because like almost like you
48:34
could like a little boy.
48:35
Speaker 2: Likes boy, Yeah, I'm go go a tantrum right now.
48:38
I want to pick this issue to fight on. It
48:40
makes no sense because I.
48:41
Speaker 1: Like you did you just want to stand your ground
48:43
on it because like like you said it versus I
48:46
said it, And I think it was like I think
48:49
I was aware that you were trying in some ways
48:53
I think subconsciously and I haven't said this out loud,
48:55
I'm just thinking of as we're talking about it. I
48:58
think I was aware that I think some consciously you
49:00
were trying to like regain some of your power, not
49:05
in a bad way, not like an abusive power thing.
49:09
I think for me it was almost this like self
49:11
assessment of you and what you had told me of
49:15
like getting your power back, but not in.
49:18
Speaker 3: Like a you need to like you're the husband and
49:21
like you have to rule the roost or whatever. It
49:24
was just like feeling like we were equal partners and
49:28
making decisions together, and that was something that was really
49:32
important to me. Obviously when it became to came to religion,
49:35
but also like the parenting dynamic, I feel like I
49:38
probably approached differently, and I'm like, honestly, I'm grateful for
49:42
that you were so hands on. You have your way
49:45
of doing things with days, sometimes the same as my way.
49:48
Speaker 1: Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes my way has adjusted because your
49:51
way works better. And I feel like that gave me
49:54
perspective as well of like wanting you to learn and
49:58
feel like completely empowered do it all. But it was
50:01
also something that when it became to the like you know,
50:04
religion and spiritual conversations, that like I wanted you to
50:07
feel empowered that you were doing that because it was
50:09
something that you also felt was good for you and
50:12
good for us and good for the family, and not
50:14
just because it checked that box.
50:17
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, it makes sense. I think the yeah, I
50:21
think there was. That was one of the first things
50:23
we went through in therapy is like you got to
50:24
advocate for yourself. It's like, and it's very empathetical to
50:27
how I lived my whole life outside of the home,
50:30
Like whether I thought I wanted this, or I should
50:32
do this, or should be this. I was mister advocate
50:34
to my friend's book, why don't you shut up and
50:35
let us make a decision for once or something like that,
50:38
But at home it was like I felt incapable of
50:41
doing that, or when I tried it was shot down. So,
50:45
I mean, obviously we talked a lot about past, past relationship,
50:48
and I think it's you're really good obvious. You're a
50:50
very good listener. You don't listen very well. You hear
50:52
very Let's see, you don't hear very well. You listened
50:55
very well. That's it got a hearing issue. But when
50:57
she's locked in, she's me hearing it, she's listening. But
51:05
there is you. I feel like you take a lot
51:07
of these things in like a high emotional intelligence to
51:10
recognize like okay, well what's that mean for us? What's
51:13
that mean for him? What does that mean for how
51:15
we work together? And that's like, that's like taking away,
51:20
taking away a lot from early conversations about like some
51:22
problems and challenges and things that I was carrying with me.
51:26
And I appreciate how you you know, I know there's
51:30
ways that I especially deal with this. You're just like, dude,
51:32
this is probably not I can't believe you're doing this,
51:34
but go ahead, do whatever you want.
51:35
Speaker 1: Hey, you let me go and do it and see
51:37
what happens. Since there's not really there's really not. I mean,
51:39
like face is different with you than he is with me.
51:42
You were just thought, like last we got it two
51:44
days and he was all jacked up, and you put
51:47
it a bell ass night and I'm like, wait, really,
51:49
he's already laying there and I look at the thing
51:51
and says he's been to bed for two minutes and
51:52
he's already almost sleep.
51:54
Speaker 2: I'm like, he had me coming in.
51:55
Speaker 1: There three times, which never he doesn't ever do anymore,
51:58
but he would just stand up and throw all his
51:59
stuff out. I'm like, well, if he doesn't have me passes,
52:01
he's not going to sleep. He's just playing me to
52:03
get me to come back in there.
52:04
Speaker 2: I know that he doesn't play as much. That's less,
52:07
less games and fun.
52:08
Speaker 1: Which is interesting though, because that's not true. You do
52:10
play a lot.
52:10
Speaker 2: I play when it's playtime. When it's not playtime, we're doing.
52:13
But I'm not playing the books. We're going to bed.
52:15
Speaker 1: I'm not playing at bedtime. He just wants more pat
52:18
pat bum. He's singing one song when we did.
52:21
Speaker 2: There's none of that. We all do that. This is
52:22
what we're doing. I'm reading one book I'm putting No,
52:25
he doesn't. I'm putting it a bet he needs sometimes
52:28
it's one depends what time it is, needs to you
52:30
know what he does. This is this is where we've
52:31
got on. I got the point where I'll do like
52:34
a big exhale and he just does it on his own.
52:36
So we do like three exhales, and I'll just lay
52:38
there and I'm like, okay, you're ready to go, now
52:40
I lay you down. So it's the end of our
52:42
little routine. Yeah, I mean your bedtime routine is better
52:44
than mine, not better. Sure it is shorter, and it's
52:48
to the point we get right down to business. But anyway,
52:54
I do think that this is I think this is
52:57
something people experience most times in their relationship end in life,
53:01
and I do think there are people like this has
53:03
made me think about what I'm about the particularly people
53:05
that have lost their partner that are older, Like how
53:09
do I have conversations if necessary, with people like to
53:15
pack a better person, to give them a different perspective
53:17
that may be helpful for them. And I've tried with
53:21
one relationship in particular I'm talking about that. It's just
53:24
I feel like I just need to keep trying. You can't,
53:25
you can't, you can't mail it in because some of
53:27
the stuff, it's just like it. It shouldn't be how
53:32
one ends one goes toward the end of their life
53:34
in this in some really neg and it makes a
53:36
lot of negative changes in terms of how they interact
53:38
with people.
53:39
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it depends on the relationship. I think
53:41
it depends on the foundation as well. And I think
53:43
the other thing is like it's never too late to
53:46
like work on that foundation. Like it seems like if
53:49
like the foundation's broken or it wasn't built on a
53:51
sturdy ground, like okay, we never have communicated, then like
53:54
how do we how do we do that, Like, it's
53:56
not like a thing that you can't go back to,
54:00
you know, like you just pour more concrete on the crack,
54:02
figure out what that concrete is, and you build it
54:04
back up.
54:05
Speaker 2: And I think it's also coming up with like the
54:06
best intentions too, and not like judgment. This isn't like
54:10
you're a bad person now. It's just like the person
54:13
I'd have known for the majority of my life is
54:15
no longer operating the same way, So how do you
54:17
And they don't want to be the same person, that's fine,
54:20
but if they are affecting a lot of people around
54:22
them in a negative way and losing relationships because of
54:26
that or alienating people because of that, pointing out the
54:29
reason by which and this is from Afar, I'm not
54:33
seeing that person be as much different. I am seeing
54:36
a lot of differences and I'm feeling them for how
54:38
I feel from how we are interacting. Things are different.
54:41
So I don't want to assume, but I imagine maybe it's
54:44
some of the same stuff is going on the other side.
54:46
So I want you to know how I'm feeling, and
54:48
maybe that's why you are feeling these things that you're
54:50
mad about other people. But it may you. Usually we
54:53
are all part of our own problems. So how do
54:55
you if you can't see that you have along a
54:57
person that can just tell you that that's with you
54:59
every day? How do you? How do you become aware
55:01
of some of your things? There's a middle ground.
55:03
Speaker 1: Probably there's a middle ground of like there's some truth
55:06
to how every person feels. It's just finding where that
55:10
truth is. And a lot of us feel like the
55:11
truth is right all the way on the ten because
55:13
that's how we feel, and maybe it's really on a
55:15
two or a five, and figuring out where on that
55:19
scale that it actually is before we go, we're doing
55:26
our estate planning, I know, are you ready for the
55:30
next steps where we really like right now we just
55:33
tabletop only treetop, I mean only got you know, like
55:37
a couple like teary eyed moments and talking about what
55:40
that would look like.
55:41
Speaker 2: We didn't. I it's fine. This is this is very
55:45
much a legal conversation in that first time Adams.
55:48
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, next time is when it gets real.
55:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not sure how that's going to go for
55:52
for you or for us, but but we're.
55:54
Speaker 1: Doing it people, and you should too. This episode brought
55:57
to you guys, I.
55:58
Speaker 2: Have to say, how I can any kickbacks here? No,
56:01
I just think it's important.
56:02
Speaker 1: I just I do feel like really passionate about it.
56:05
Now we're not even done with it yet, but I
56:08
just feel like it's something that like I want to
56:11
do for the people that I love in my life,
56:14
so that it's done and it's one last thing when
56:18
you know, eighty four years from now, you guys are
56:20
miserable without me.
56:21
Speaker 2: M there's no way I'm out living you, but go ahead, hope.
56:26
So that was it.
56:29
Speaker 1: Just that's something that I think is important, and so
56:32
I'm excited that we're I'm not excited, sat. I am
56:39
proud of us that we are taking this step.
56:43
Speaker 2: Don't be proud yet. We haven't done it yet. Let's
56:45
get th we had a meeting. Let's get this thing.
56:49
And I do know that the meetings from like a
56:52
nine to eleven, Am, I'm going to pretty much block
56:54
off eleven to two in the rest of your calendar.
56:56
So the next the next three hours because you're gonna
56:57
need this emotional recovery time. Sit around and hold me
56:59
on the cap. I think I think Adam actually many
57:01
to work in some breaks for Adam Adam, I need
57:03
we need some breaks, Like every twenty we're gonna take
57:05
a step back and to get through this. I hope
57:07
he knows. They come in blue ice cream. There you go,
57:11
that's how you're going to survive. Stayed planning sounds great, all.
57:14
Speaker 1: Right, looking forward to it.
57:15
Speaker 2: See you next time, aren't we all