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Parents Who Regret Having Kids 😳 Real Stories |Please remember to share this podcast ❤️ · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: No, I love him.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: Don't get me wrong.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_04: I love him, but you know, you know how some kids they just know how to push your buttons and they just know how to say the wrong thing.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_04: So my my younger son, he's 23, 24, if we pick up the option, and I don't know that we will.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: But he'll just come over and I'll go, Dad, can I say something to you?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_04: No offense.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_04: And I go, I doubt it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_04: That has not been my experience with you thus far.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_04: Well, because nobody ever says no offense unless they're about to offend you.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_04: They just let you know it's coming and they don't care.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_04: They don't care.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_04: That's like when people say, you know, I don't want to sound racist.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_04: Well, then stop talking.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_04: Why don't you stop by this?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_04: Just don't say it.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_04: Don't say it.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_04: Because even you have a hunch it's not good, don't you?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_04: So maybe don't say it.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_04: Because if you say it, I'll have to think you're a racist.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_04: No offense.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_04: No offense.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, you know, listen, we all want to be terrific parents.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_04: We want that's we aspire to be great parents.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_04: But if we're being honest, we're all winging it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_04: We don't know what the hell we're doing.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_04: None of us know what to do.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_04: But if there's one skill, if there's one skill that you need to be an efficient parent, you have to worry.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_04: That's the main thing.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_04: You have to worry.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_04: I I don't judge anybody, but if you have kids and you're not worried, I don't think you're doing it right.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_04: I you have to worry.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not saying do anything, but just worry.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_04: Start there.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_04: It's an important skill to have.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_04: And not to brag, I'm very good at it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_04: I'm very good at worrying.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_04: Even if there's nothing to worry about, I'll make something up.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_04: I don't care.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_04: I do.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_04: I'll lie in bed, make up lists, come up with lists like ways to get hurt I'd not thought of previously.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_04: And by the way, all the things I worry about, they never happen.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_04: They never happen.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody's ever gotten their heads stuck in a lawnmower.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, but I thought of it.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_04: Could could have happened.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody ever reached into a dryer to pull out socks, fell in, and ended up drying to death.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_04: That's that's not a thing.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_04: You know, and I I've been around long enough to know that worrying, it doesn't help, it doesn't prevent anything, right?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_04: Doesn't even doesn't even prepare us for anything.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_04: But still, we prepare.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_04: I know I prepare.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_04: If I'm on a plane and we hit a little turbulence, you know, the five seconds where you think you're going down, I prepare by doing this.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_04: Because this is really all the insulation you need upon impact.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_04: This is that way, if the plane does go down and I'm the sole survivor, I can tell everybody.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_04: You know what kept me alive?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_04: I had my fists balled up very, very tight.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_04: And to be honest, my asshole was clenched shut.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_04: Like a bank vault on a Sunday.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_04: That puppy was closed for business.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody getting in or out of there.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_04: That was closed.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_04: So when we hit, I just bounced right up.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_04: That's what happened there.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_04: I'm the only one.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_04: We hit a pow! Bounced right up.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_04: I was saved by the grace of God and just the sheer rigidity of my own sphincter.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_04: That's what did it pow.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_04: I told you this would not be important, didn't I?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_04: It has been a crazy year.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_04: Well, for everybody, but let's let's focus on me.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_04: A lot of upheaval in my family.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_04: We moved.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_04: We moved this year, and the kids found us.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_04: That was surprising.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_04: I I I I did not anticipate that kind of follow-through.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_04: No, we moved.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_04: It was a big deal for the kids because we had been in this house for 20 years.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_04: So, like their whole childhood was in this house.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_04: And here's what I learned.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_04: You know, you cannot sell your house until you fix it up.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_04: Did you know that?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_04: Because nobody in their right mind is gonna buy your house after what you and the kids have done to the place, living like animals all these years.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_04: No, new people deserve better, don't they?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_04: All the things that never bothered you enough to fix while you live there, you're gonna snap to it for these next imaginary people, so they shouldn't have to live like monkeys in a pile of their own filth.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_04: So we got to work, we steamed the furniture, cleaned the carpets, painted the walls outside, new shrubs, new hedges, new grass, new flowers.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_04: Suddenly I looked around and went, This place looks great.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_04: Boy, I wish we lived here.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_04: This is I'll tell you, it's not until you move and you start opening cabinets and closets, it's not until then that you realize just how much crap you have accumulated.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_04: You you shouldn't have to move just to get rid of crap.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_04: You know, we could theoretically get rid of a little crap every once in a while and whittle it down, but that's not the way crap works.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_04: No, crap likes to stay out of sight where it grows in the dark.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_04: Just as your family has grown over the years, so is your crap.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_04: That's kind of if you think about it, it's kind of the arc of life.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_04: First half of life, we're just getting stuff, get stuff.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_04: You can't get enough stuff, get stuff.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_04: You get to a certain age, get rid of that stuff, get rid of that stuff, get rid of that's the roller coaster of life.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_04: Accumulate, shed.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_04: Accumulate and then shed.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_04: We accumulate things and people.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_04: We accumulate people.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_04: When you're young, you can't meet enough people, right?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_04: You meet a nice couple, we should get their number.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_04: I like them.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_04: We should be friends with them.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_04: And their other friends, I like them too.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_04: Get their number.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_04: We'll all get together.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_04: The six of us will have dinner.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_04: I and if that goes well, we'll get an RV.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_04: I think we'll all go cross-country.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_04: I think no that I have a good feeling about these people.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_04: You can't get enough.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_04: And then you get to a certain age, you go the other way.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_04: All these people that you were so eager to meet.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_04: Now, you know what?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_04: I don't want to see these people anymore.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_04: I'm tired of these people.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_04: I can't do it.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_04: I'm tired of these people.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_04: Should we get new people?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_04: No, I'm saying no more people.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_04: No more people.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I'm saying.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_04: No more people, just you and me.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_04: That's how it's gonna be.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_04: Just you and me.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_04: And frankly, some days I would whittle that list down further.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_04: Let's let's try you and me.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: No, after we had Joe, Jimmy Hurley went and did the right thing, got a vasectomy.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Gentlemen in the audience, if you get a schedule of vasectomy, I beg you, do not do it at the CVS Minute Clinic.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because one year later I found out indeed I was pregnant with my fifth child post-vasectomy.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know what they call me up there in Plymouth, Massachusetts, Lucky Christine.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Horse you up the ass, Hurley, folks.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's me.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I remember the night I found out I'm tossing, I'm turning, I'm like, oh God, no, no, this can't be happening.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I jump in the car at 12 o'clock midnight.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I drive with the 24-hour Walgreens.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I buy the pregnancy test.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: I throw it in the front seat of the car.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I am not even out of the parking lot.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the plus sign is flashing through the bag.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I get home, I'm crying, I'm pacing, doing a little praying.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Oh God, no, no.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, please, Jesus, don't make me do this again.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think, why am I suffering by myself in the middle of the night, right, you guys?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I am waking Jimmy Hurley's fat ass up.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And he will suffer with me.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I went across the hall to his room.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now you gotta be careful, you don't want to startle him too much, because sometimes he he tips right out of his recliner.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: But he must know something was off because he actually pulled his hand out of his sweatpants to talk to me.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know, ladies, break me off a piece of that.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I held up the white stick.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I said, We're in big trouble, Jimmy.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Big trouble.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Who has a fever?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm stuck home, prisoner.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Five kids, four indiapers.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Every day of my life's the same, right?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Every day is Groundhog Day.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Just a little shittier than the day before.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: You wake up in the morning, you go downstairs, there's the other five little beggars all sitting around the kitchen table.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, hello, mommy, no good morning, mommy.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, nothing nice like that.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, immediately.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Waffles.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Wait on waffles.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want waffles, mommy, I want toast.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want toast, mommy, I want French toast.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want French toast, mommy, I want Pop Tots.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have eating those Pop Tots.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Those are stopping shops, those are ghetto.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: She's in my seat.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can't see the TV.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I won't wear that shirt.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: That pink those pants are ugly.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted that bowl.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: He got the lucky zippy cup.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: She looked at me.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: He touched me.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody come in here and wipe my bomb! And that was Jimmy Hurley.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I gotta get out of this house.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna kill somebody.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So my best friend Betty told me that the local high school in Plymouth, Plymouth North High School, has a continuing education department for adults.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you can go take, you know, some basket weaving or ceramics or pole dancing or some shit.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I go down to sign up, I'm very excited, and they said, Mrs.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley, everything is full.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: They said, but we did get a cancellation this morning on a sewing class.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I said, sign me up.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I come home, I wait for Jimmy to get home.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: He gets home, I said, listen, I did a little something for myself today, Jimmy.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to rally a little bit more with these kids.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I signed up for a sewing class.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I listened very carefully.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's a six-year course.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: We meet seven nights a week.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Three to eleven.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Jimmy Hurley has screwed up the vasectomy to a high gloss finish.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have to go get neutered.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what this entails as a woman, they call it the hysterectomy, folks.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you get as a woman.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You get a hysterectomy.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And what that involves is uh you go in for your pre-op and they shave you from the neck down.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And pre-op, they shave you from the neck.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're like a newborn baby, all right?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: They shave you from the neck down.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now they bring you into the OR, they cut you from stem to stern, they open you up and they shell you like a dung beetle.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like a yard sale.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Everything goes.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Everything works out until two weeks post-surgery.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: We have to stop and shop with two full carts of groceries and five terribly behaved children.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then right then, folks, is when that prep shave grows back in.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: No warning.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know what they say, folks, for every one you shave, four come to its funeral.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had more Bush than Kenny Bunkport on Labor Day.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I went up a pant size.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: When my son was, I don't know, five or six years old.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: I give him a pocket knife for his birthday.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: It was just a little Swiss army knife, it wouldn't anything big.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: And uh and any guy in this room will tell you that when your daddy gives you a pocket knife for your birthday, that's more than a gift.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's a rite of passage.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: You've moved from boyhood to manhood.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said, it was just a little Swiss army knife.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: He was having a great time.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, everything was fine.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Till one day Gail's looking out the kitchen window and she sees our boy and his best friend jumping up and down the trampoline, and my son's got the knife blade out.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, No, no, no.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta take that away.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: I said, No, you can't take it away.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a rite of passage, it'll break his heart.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Well, you better do something, because I'm not calling that other kid's mom telling him he got stabbed, because we let him jump up and down the trampoline with a knife.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: I said, All right, I got it.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I walk out there and I said, Hey, buddy, I said, I got an idea.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I go, look, can I just see your knife?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because I thought, here's what I'll do.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'll take his knife, I'll go out in the garage, I'll cut the blade of the knife off, give him the rest of the knife back.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: He don't care, he's five years old.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever tried to cut the blade off a knife?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, for those of you who have not, let me tell you something.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like made of steel.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in the garage with pliers aren't working, wire steps aren't working.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: I go, I need a pair of bolt cutters.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I put the knife in my pocket, drove over to the Home Depot to get a pair of bolt cutters.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: But they want 50 bucks a pair.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that's a little overpriced.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I only need it for one job.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: I know what I'll do.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just borrow their bolt cutters.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'll slip off behind the lumber section there, snip that blade off that knife, put the bolt cutters back, give my son his knife back.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's happy.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in the corner of the Home Depot hiding behind a plywood with a pair of basically stolen bolt cutters.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm squeezing on the blade of that knife and I'm squeezing, I'm squeezing, I heard thinking, I went, ow, God! And I look, and the blade has flown into my shoulder.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: My shirt is soaking with blood.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what the hell?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I can't pull the blade out.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen those TV shows.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, where a guy's got a knife sticking at him, he's just fine, so some jackass pulls the blade out and then he bleeds out right there.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And let's face it, it's not like I can go to the Home Depot manager and go, hey, dude, I gave my son a pocket knife for his birthday, and you know that's like a ride of passage.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: But my wife saw him jumping up and down the trampoline with a knife blade out.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, apparently that's a button push where her said you gotta take it away.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: I said, You can't take it away, it's like a ride of passage.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: She said, Well, you better do something, because I'm not gonna call that other boy's mom and tell him he got stabbed because we'd let him jump up and down the trampoline with a knife blade out.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I went in the garage, I tried pliers, they didn't work, right?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's like made of steel, so I thought I went to a Home Depot to get a pair of boat cutters.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: They want 50 bucks a pair.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a little overpriced, don't you?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I just want to borrow your boat cutters.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need to buy the whole damn house.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, I went behind the lumber circuit with a pair of basic stolen boat cutters, squeezed the blade off that knife, but it stuck me in the shoulder.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I can't say that.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I just ran, I just ran out of the Home Depot dripping blood the whole way.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: I get in my car and I drive to one of those urgent care centers that's like in a mall parking lot.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you something.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: When you walk into an urgent care center with a knife blade sticking out of you, they freak.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, they're the earache sore throat people.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: They don't see blood.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: I walked in with that knife sticking at me, and this lady goes, This is not a drill.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: This is not a drill.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: We have a bleeder, we have a bleeder.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: They throw me on this journey, they're running me down the hallway, and y'all, I literally had this thought, oh my god, Bill, have you finally done something so stupid you're gonna die from it?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: They put me in this room and in walks this Indian doctor, Dr.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Bashar, who I still stay in touch with this day.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: But that day he didn't know me from Adam.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: And he walked in and took one look at me and went, Good God, man, what happened to you?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I gave my son a pocket knife for his birthday, and you know that's like a ride of patch.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: My wife saw him jumping up down the trampoline with a knife plate out.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, apparently that's a button pusher.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: Her said, you gotta take it away.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: I said, You can't take it away, it's like a ride apatching, it'll kill him.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Well, you better do something because I'm not calling that other boy's mom to tell him he got stabbed when you let him jump up and down the trampoline with a knife plate out.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, Well, I know what I'll do.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'll cut the blade of the knife off, but good God, it's like made of steel.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: I tried pliers, they didn't work, wires and say they don't work.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought I need a pair of boat cutters.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I went to Home Depot to get a pair of bolt cutters.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: They want 50 bucks a pair.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a little overpriced, don't you?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought I borrowed her boat cutters, went behind the lumber sister, stepped up blade off that knife, but it stuck me in the shoulder.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You are the dumbest man on the planet.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: He said, You're like that dog that chases the bird in the cartoons.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Wiley Coyote goes, You are Wiley Coyote.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let an anvil hit you in the head on the way out.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: It took him an hour and a half to show me up.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Not because the cut was very big, but because he kept laughing.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: And every nurse that would walk by go, please, please.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: You got to see the dumbest man on the planet.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's like he's making it up, but he's not.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: Then I had to go home and tell Gail why there's a$700 charge on our visa.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, What is wrong with you?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: I go, well, this is basically your fault.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, How do you figure that?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: I go, if you just let him jump up and down the trampoline, everything would have been fine.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: But no, you had to throw a big hissy fit.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Now, look, I got a scar.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I won't be a model.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Case in point, a couple of weeks ago, my middle daughter Ryan woke up.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel good, mommy.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: I can't go to school.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: I said, go back to bed, Ryan.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'll call the school nurse.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll let her know you're not coming in.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, Ryan, she's like, um shit.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say 12.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I call the school nurse and I leave a message on the machine.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, this is Mrs.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ryan doesn't feel well.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: She won't be in today.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Ten minutes later, the phone rings.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hello?
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, Mrs.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is Mrs.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Mrs.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley, it's Nurse Kane from the West School.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, what can I do for you, Nurse Kane?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: She said, I'm sorry, Ryan doesn't feel well.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: But she doesn't go here.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Really?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have any idea where she goes?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, folks, the same long-suffering nurse who had to call me a few years earlier for a similar situation.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: At the time, my youngest son Brendan had just turned five years old, and he was very excited because he was the baby of the house and he was going to kindergarten and he was now officially a big boy.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Big boy.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Twor hours, seven days a week.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Mama, mama, big boy, gonna make my lunch for school today, Mama.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna make my lunch for school because I go to school and I can make my own lunch and I'm gonna do it because I'm big and I'm five and I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna make my own lunch for school today, mama.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Today is the day.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you are a fucking nag.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: I said, you want to make your own lunch hot shot?
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Knock yourself out and I fired up a parliament and I went back to bed.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Three hours later, the phone rings.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Hello?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, Mrs.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is Mrs.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Mrs.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley, it's Nurse Kane from the West School.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Good eat this bitch.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do for you, Nurse Kane?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: She said, You have to come to the school, Mrs.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Hurley.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: You have to pick up Brendan in his lunchbox immediately.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Why?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Unfortunately, Brendan packed a leftover box of Kung Pao chicken and two wine coolers.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, just celebrated my 35th wedding anniversary, you guys.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: 35 years married.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: So nice, so nice.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: You applaud because you don't know him.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: 35 years married, my high school sweetheart, Jimmy Hurley.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Give you guys a day in the life of that shit show.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: We get married, we start having the kids.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: We have a girl, another girl, another girl.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Three girls in a row, bing, bang, boom.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Jimmy Hurley goes in a full-fledged panic.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because he's the only son in the Hurley family.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, it's him and his four douchebag sisters.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they're miserable.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: We had a big family cookout last summer.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: The four of them were sitting together all lined up on a picnic bench.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: I said, to Jimmy, look at that.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: A clam roll.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now he's panicked.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we don't have a son, the hurling name will end, right?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be no heir to the hurling fortune.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I take a long introspective look at my very sad life.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I got three kids in diapers, two badass pair of stretchy pants.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Jimmy and I share a minivan.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think my life's gonna suck anymore.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do you folks?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think so.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: I got the time, I'll take them to the team, I'll spit another one out.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see what we got.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, a couple weeks into this awesome adventure, Jimmy Hurley comes home from work.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Christine, bad news.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I said, What bad news?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: He said, bad news for you and me, Christine.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: You and I never gonna have a son, not gonna happen, not in the cards for us.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Me and the guys at work, we discussed it all day, figured it out.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Really, Jimmy Hurley?
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And what were you and the other mensa candidates at work discussing today?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: To make you come to such a conclusion.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Christine, my sperm is so powerful.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: You guys need a minute.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but my daughter's tremendously different than this little boy.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: My daughter, she's polite, man open, quiet, but this little boy.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_03: Y'all told us, feet hits the floor, he's in the room like I'm like, am I raising a bust around tomorrow?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_03: Six o'clock in the morning, a little boy go to the bathroom.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, you're still behind.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: I was concerned about the little guy too, and it's oh it's just a you know saying it was a couple of crayons missing out the box.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: Like my my son when he first started uh trying to speak.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: I wasn't I wasn't aware of who he was speaking to.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: I I wasn't I didn't understand.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_03: It was like my son was catting when he first started speaking.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: That's how my son was trying to walk around.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_03: No, we didn't know it at the time, but my daughter had the ability to interpret that language.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: My son ran around to my and my daughter's like, Mama, Michael wants some grapes.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: I remember I was watching the game one night, he got his cat again.
• 22:00
  unknown: Diddy boom boom.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: My daughter's like, did he?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_03: Michael wanna watch Law and Order.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_03: Spencer Victims Union.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, get you a little behind in the bed.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: Behind in the bed.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: No, but it's a lot different, man.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: My son's a little older.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: He speaks now, speaks a little too much.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: My preference.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_03: My son played flag football and shit.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: That was a waste of money right there.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_03: They lost like six games in a row.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like the coach was sending miss messages to my son, you know.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: They tied one game.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_03: My son came home all excited, hopping around, really happy.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, hey man, what you so excited about?
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_03: Son said, Dad, coach said, whenever we tie, it's like both teams won.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_03: No, son.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_03: Coach lied.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: Son told me, Dad, coach said it doesn't matter the wins or losses.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: What matter is if you have fun.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: No, son.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_03: Coach lied again.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_03: Son, if you want to have fun, just go in the backyard and play.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: You can have fun.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_03: Once I pay for registration, I need some results, son.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_03: I need some first downs, some software, you know.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: Something to happen.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: I think about my childhood because we're still teaching things to children that somebody taught us some bad things.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_03: Like nursery rhymes.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: Why are we still teaching children?
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_03: Nursery rhymes.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_03: Have y'all read these things?
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_03: There was an old lady that lived in a shoe.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: She had so many children.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: She didn't know what to do.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: So she fed them broth without any bread and whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that lady going to jail.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_03: You can't uh do that in 2019.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_02: Peter Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_03: He couldn't keep her.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_03: He put her in a pumpkin shell.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: And there he kept her.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: Very well.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, Peter has a Netflix documentary coming out next year.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_03: The making of a murderer pumpkin pie style.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_03: That's all.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_03: Ten little monkeys.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_03: Jumping on the bed.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: One fell off, bumped his head.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: Mama called a doctor, and the doctor said, Then it was nine little monkeys.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_03: Then eight little monkeys.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_03: Then seven little monkeys.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, this doctor's not gonna call child protective services on this woman from the woman clearly overwhelmed with these children.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: She needs to call the old lady in the shoe.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's what she needs to call her.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_03: I bet you they won't jump on that bed no more.