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Surviving Family Drama · Obnoxiously Pleasant

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of Obnoxiously Pleasant.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: How are you doing?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm all right.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, today we have a very special guest.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna be talking about family drama, and she's here with us to help us out, the Queen of Latizia herself.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome, Jamana.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: Hi.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: We're so excited to have you.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so happy to be here.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_04: That's amazing.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: So if you guys remember, like a year ago, sorry, like a year ago, uh, we were rocking Lena and Ivy's sweatshirts that said Latizi and said tuz, and they were all made by this wonderful lady right here.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: Can you tell us a little bit about like how you got this idea?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: So hopefully everyone watching is already familiar.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: But um Lateizi, as so eloquently named, yes, um, is a uh brand that celebrates authenticity, it's a brand that celebrates self.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_03: And it was created really out of frustration because it's my mother's favorite phrase whenever anything happens.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: And if people don't like it, Latte Latte.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_03: So it first started off as a t-shirt brand.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: That's why it's L A capital T E E and then lowercase Z Y.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and then it just evolved because I realized people get cold.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_03: So we need it sweat.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: So we need hoodies.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: We need hoodies, right?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: And so out of this moment of frustration and creative freedom, I just decided to create this brand.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and it's been amazing because it I've made zero out of this, and I just want to make this very clear, and it's on the website.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: The purpose of this is to support, help, to put your attitude on your sleeve, but at the same time, a hundred percent of anything you buy out of the net profits is donated and has been donated to Honorwell.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: So I want to make that very clear.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_03: This is not for profit.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't registered it as well.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we'll we'll post the link to the link instead of order.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: We'll put it.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: And on that note, I do have I come with goodies.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_03: And thank you.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's like the perfect way.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, you go.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: Honestly, it's like the perfect Hold on.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Let me let me open this back while you talk.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: The perfect, the perfect person to have on in this episode about family drama.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: Because you know, Latizi.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: This is amazing.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, this is amazing.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: It is, it's your color theme.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: It is our color theme.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: And so short sleeves, long sleeves, because we all know Lena does not show her arms.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: So I want to I want to explain though.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: So we have two ways of saying Latizi.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: It's called the bold and the beautiful.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I love it.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_03: So this is the bold.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_03: If you just want to say Latizi flat out, and you really don't give a fuck.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_03: And the other one is kind of like Al Jazeera-like.
• 2:35
  unknown: And this is for me.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: So it's incognito, and people really don't know what it says, but you know that it says Latizi.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: Because people will just think you're wearing like a work sweatshirt.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: My pleasure.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: We have we have to celebrate.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: No, this is this is awesome.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: And honestly, guys, I already own two things from uh Jamana.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: And they're very comfortable, too.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: They're very, very they wash really well.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: They're very soft.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: The um they're very soft.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: The sweatshirts are unbelievably warm.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: The fleece on the inside is fantastic, and I always get compliments.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: Like every time I wear it out, people are like, Where did you get that?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: Because it it's true.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's for a good cause, too.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_03: So I mean you can't you can't lose with this stuff, honestly.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but it's it's been fun doing it, and I've also created a few more statements based on some inspiration.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: So one of them says, respectfully.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_02: Latizi.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: Um, because I feel like in this day and age, it it's a very appropriate phrase.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: Considering the status of the world.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_03: And more people need to say l'atizi.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: But I have a suggestion for you.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: Can I suggest something?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Can you have some uh like a design that says kolhara?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's I know, I know it's a lot, but like it's maybe just for Lina.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Alaras.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, it's a great, it's a great way to just, you know.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_04: We could do kolkara, right?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_03: Look, we've done Latizi, we've done toz, and then if you want to be like Kolkhara, yeah.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: I I do think to Michara.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, tuz is my favorite one.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: Because honestly, I do I do think that that's like a really good life mantra to have.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's just if you don't like something, tuz, you don't like me, tuz.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_03: Which is the other sweater you have?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, which is my favorite sweater of all time.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: And we've added more toz to the line as well, because you know, summer's coming up, and you gotta wear a t-shirt that says Yeah, it means like whatever, like F off.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's just it's just like literally, it is the best.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: But there's an origin story.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: It is, it has nothing to do with t's or anything nuty like that.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: Latizis, obviously.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: Very direct.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: However, tz, for as many of you know, just means whatever.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, move it along.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: But the origin of the word actually means salt.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_03: It's a Turkish word from the days of the Ottoman Empire.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_03: And so, just so you know, a lot of salt, tz tos, tz, and that's why it evolved into something we have taken on.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a perfect segue for our topic.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: It is about family drama.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: Experts! Uh, I think all of us everybody has some level of expertise when it comes to family drama.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: But what we really wanted to focus on is, you know, in the current times and the world that we live in and everything that's happening, why can't people just let go, forgive?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want you to forget, but just forgive, like make peace.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: And let's just make it through this world together, right?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like, you don't have to love me, but you don't have to hate me.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_03: 100%.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_03: But I I think it's beyond that.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_03: I think the the concept of family drama is really rooted in what exactly do you value?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: What does your value system consist of?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: Because to me, it's been an evolution, you know.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: We everyone has a story, right?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: Every and I tell my my seven-year-old this because our situation has really impacted her deeply.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: Of course.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: And what brought her solace was purely one thing everyone every loves you no matter what.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: And the other thing completely is every single person has family drama.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: In different degrees.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone, nobody there is no such thing as a perfect fla family, and I've I've come to terms with that.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: And after a few years of therapy, which is very helpful, by the way, and we'll get to that, because mental health is something that is completely marginalized by our community for really and needs more attention because you and I both know some people need some therapy bad.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: For sure.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_03: Um, definitely because it can only help whether you don't have many issues, don't want to get issues, and have a shit ton of issues.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: Or just working or how to deal with them.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, because I'm a sailor.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: No, that's fine.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: Or just exactly how to deal with the article.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: You cannot say, can I curse him?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: They'd say made a seek to you.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like a wrestler in a tutu.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 6:44
  unknown: Exactly.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_02: No, I I agree with with everything you just said.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I think a lot of times some of us, in well, you know, either whether we're directly related or related by marriage or whatever, in each family, each family is like unique, obviously.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I think the thing that really bothers me is that some of us are able to step outside of ourselves and say, okay, I know that this is like makes me sad and uncomfortable.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: But I'm willing to go above and beyond for my child.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: For the sake of the greater good, not your own personal agenda and your and your own insecurities, which is where it stems out of.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: What I have a hard time with is when the other party has zero willingness to do that.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: Agree.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: That's when I start to get like, I don't even want to say like angry.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: It just makes me really sad.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I think it's it's it it stems from a lot of time, it's like pride, arrogance.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's stupid pride.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Or I mean, I don't know, because because especially like, and and this is not just about Arab communities, but like especially with Arab, um, it's about oh, uh, he didn't come to congratulate my son on his graduation, or he didn't call me, or uh, my son fell down, broke his arm, and no one called.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And like they started.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Or she said hi to her and didn't say hi to me first.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's so petty, it's so petty.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just like, Anna, if someone doesn't call me, I'm like, ah, Sandra, yeah, like it's better for me.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not gonna get mad.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: But you also don't thrive on attention, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: So this is something, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: I think, and and we meant we talked about this before.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_03: When family drama happens, it's not because the other side is unwilling because they're bad people, the other side is unwilling because they haven't come to terms with their own insecurities and fears.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: For sure.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: And that's something that we can't impose on them.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: But at the same time, I think it's important for us to put in the effort to the point where you don't lose any sleep on saying, I did what I could.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: And I tried my best.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: But at the same time, and this is something I had to learn over the last two years, with like some hardcore therapy, because the boundary is set where if it starts interfering with your life and your ability to be a good mother, daughter, wife, um, what friend, we wear six million hats.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, let's let's be real.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: So if if it brings you that much agony and angst, you just gotta let it be.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: And let and and not everyone comes to terms and and and wants peace at the same time, right?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: And so personally, with my situation, you know, it's it's been something that's ongoing for comfortably say decades.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: However, decades, decades, yeah.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: However, and it's fine because there's always gonna be, you don't understand, and we're always gonna uh disagree.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: I've come to terms with needing to agree to disagree.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: But knowing that the greater good is that there is a unit, knowing that a greater good, especially now, like forget, forget the last 20 years, right?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, especially now, if you consider yourself that much of a maverick and wanting to and fighting for the cause and and and and very pro-Arab and Palestinian, given the over 200,000 lives, and I say that conf confidently because we're not talking about 40 anymore.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: 40.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: The number didn't stay static for a year.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, exactly.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: Um, that's a different subject.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: However, if you're that gung-ho, then making peace and giving honor to those that have lost their lives involves cherishing and bringing your own.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because I think for me, that's the thing.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like with my situation, you know, we're not gonna get into details, but like I always tell uh family members, for me, it's just don't you don't you see what's on the news?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you see what's happening?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, nothing is that serious, nothing is that important for you not to talk about.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing is that like literally, nothing is that important.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I think Gazda taught a lot of us, like the genocide in Gazda, for me especially you need to let things go.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing matters that much for me.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, honestly, like being a family and caring about each other and being there for each other, that matters more than anything else.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: I think honestly, the thing that it like the thing that really, really like strikes me when people are still like there's like still like bad blood, then we're not talking at all of that in light of everything that's happening, is there are people out there who are forced into a no family, no loved ones situation, and you are choosing a no family, no loved ones.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: Like you are making a choice to, and it's not about and look, I get it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not talking about people who are in a toxic situation or are leaving their families because they're and that that's real.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm not, you know, I'm not invalidating.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's a good thing.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: There are people who leave their families because their families truly suck.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm not talking about those people.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: If you're somebody who left for your own mental health and well-being, like kudos to you that you recognize that you need to get yourself out of a bad situation.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_02: I'm glad you you pointed that out because that's not what we're referring to.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: But what we're referring to is when it's something that's so ridiculous and has no foundation and there's no real problem, and you choose not to not to talk to this person because it doesn't But I'm gonna play devil's advocate because the other side would say that what I feel is abusive, and I feel that you know I'm removing myself from the situation because the way that you behave triggers all these things.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, then I get it.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: Like what's what's not a big deal to me is a massive deal to the other side.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: And this is where I circle back to the value system, the core of all of it.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: I equate personally, and this isn't listen, I'm not gonna impose my views on anybody else and and live and let live or let's get everything else.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: However, my core value system today is that unless there is active malicious actions and active pain being imposed, my situation is nothing compared to what's happening overseas and the people there.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: Because if you have the values of keeping your core together and also instilling that in your kids, that there's always a resolution, there's always a way to move beyond.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: You're actually setting up your kids for failure because they're seeing the way that you behave.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: And they're seeing the way that you cut off, and they're thinking that that's okay.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's okay for me to let go of my sister, my brother, my, you know, grandmother, grandfather, whoever it is.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's not okay, especially when you have to really assess what is the harm that was done, and can I find the solution around it?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I think when you mention the kids, I think that's very important too because just from my experience with my kids, my kids are really upset about what's been happening, you know, and as they should be.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because they just want to hang out with their cousins.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then the kids get affected.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: The the parents, for some odd reason, uh tell the kids, oh, don't talk to anybody.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: But that's that's where you weaponize my mind.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: Don't weaponize, don't weaponize your kids.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: Don't weaponize your kids.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's just it's heartbreaking because if if a brother and sister, for example, have an issue, their kids shouldn't be involved.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because at the end of the day, they're brother and sister, and they'll eventually, inshallah, make up, right?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: Agreed.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: Don't involve other people that shouldn't necessarily be involved.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: A hundred percent.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because it really affects people.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_02: It really just a lot.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: But honestly, that could be said about like any relationship, like any one-on-one relationship.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: Think about it like this: you and your husband, we all have husbands, right?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: We all have husbands.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: We all have husbands.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: So, like, think about when you and your husband have an argument, right?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_02: And no marriage, okay.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_02: Am I gonna no marriage is free of arguments?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: If it's free of arguments, it's like a contract marriage or something, you're both benefiting somehow.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: And you're really happy.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_02: And you're really happy, and just kidding.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_02: I need to learn.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: No, but when you like, when so like when you and your husband have an argument, and then let's just say, like, I go like complain to my dad.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: My dad will listen to me, right?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: Like my dad is still around Alhamdulillah, disahutallahu alayhi wa side.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: He will probably be so upset for me that it'll stay in here.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that even if I'm like, me and my husband make up and we're cool and everything is kosher and we're fine.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: He is gonna always kind of harbor that against my husband.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: You know, or even if you go to complain to your mom or something, and even if she tells you, like, oh, don't worry about it, like stop being this, or everything's gonna be okay, somewhere in the back of her mind, she's gonna be like, Oh, this person hurt my child, right?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: Or she hurt or he hurt my daughter.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_02: And just I feel like relationships just like never go back to being the same.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: So, like, why can't we if we're practicing that like in a marriage with our spouses, why can't we just keep like our fights like freaking one-on-one?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_02: And that if I had a problem with it.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: 100%, I agree.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_02: Like, why do I have to make it about you and your husband and your kids and it?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's just it's me and you, right?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_03: But you bring up another good point I want to point out, um, which is the enabling factor.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so my situation, if I were to fuck up with anyone, my husband is there to say, You're wrong.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, that's so good.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: You're right, yes, yes.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm not on board with this.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: Rather than being jaded and complicit with the whole thing and saying, Yes, feel free.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, free reign to create enemies galore.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but see, there's some husbands that do push, or like spouses.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to say just husbands, but are you saying that's the same as both ways?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: It goes both ways, correct?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: That push for that like toxic negativity.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_02: But honestly, it's not just spouses, you guys.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just saying in any relationship.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: I know, but we're you have somebody like so.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_02: Here's it, say like there's an argument between siblings.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: There's just like three of us, and there's an argument between three of us, or between two of us.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_02: The third party should be a a mediator, right?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_02: Not an instigator.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: And the problem that I find for us, and and I when I say us, I mean like us Arab Americans, like us culturally.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: Look, it's for all people, it's not just about us anymore.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, is that third party becomes an instigator rather than a mediator, more often than not.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_02: And what you're looking for is somebody to come in and just like calm the situation.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, but you said this, and then she said this, and then and at the end of the day, it just gets really out of control and really.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: The minutia, the minutia never matters in resolution.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because my I feel like my husband is the same way.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like he keeps it real.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, no, this is wrong, this is right.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, you need to calm down, right?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, but not just that, he's gonna say, you know what, you deal with it.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm not gonna push this forward, but I would like you to close this out and keep it moving as well because it impacts the kids.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: There has to be that greater level of just stop talking about the fucking details.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, nobody cares about the pickets.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody cares about the details.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: If one of us gets hit by a car tomorrow, does any other shit matter?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't matter anymore.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it is.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know what it is.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: I am guilty.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm guilty.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm details.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_02: You're the motherfucker that we have a problem with.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_02: You're a getter.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_02: No, I'm guilty of the city.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_02: You're in a Pelicini sandwich right now, so we got a problem.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly, right?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: No, but sometimes I'm guilty of that.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like, say, like if my husband and I have an argument, I'll be like, and then this and then this.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: And he's just like, why are you so stuck on this specific thing?
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I think sometimes I'm with him.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_02: But bottom line up front, Bobo.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes I think it's just trauma.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like from like not being heard from feeling like I'm not heard, that I have to like reiterate my point.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_02: True.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but but see, no, that's different.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: But at the same time, inventing is different than coming to resolution.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_03: And I I've through therapy as well.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna keep plugging therapy.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, definitely.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: True therapy, I think it's amazing.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_03: I've learned that not everyone comes to the same level of resolve.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like, if you want to kill me, keep me in conflict with someone without any glimmer of hope that there is a resolution.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's me too, by the way.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: For me, like we're fighting.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just like, can we just like be nice to each other?
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like keep it moving.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: Like, we'll just get it, like, please let's be.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_02: But sometimes that's why though you know why though?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're like inside you, you're a good person.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: You just want to end their lives though.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you don't have to do that.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: But good people, good, I will say, good people, khalt al come on, like they can stay mad for days.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how you fucking do it.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: If you stay mad for days, you gotta work on that shit.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: But that's that's poison.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: But I think there's something in like there's there's something there in security.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just saying it's a sandwich.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, be careful.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: I'm the curly, I'm the curly alter ego of this one.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's but honestly, at least here's the here's what I always say is part of at least I I recognize it.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_02: But at the same time, like I have a huge problem when somebody, when I know that somebody's upset with me, I feel like I immediately have to fix it.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_02: Agreed.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm the same way.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: I want resolve, I want resolution, and just just keep moving.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: Cut your losses.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: That's my philosophy.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_03: Cut your losses and keep it moving.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes too much.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes my I will, and I will very honestly own this.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes my approach is ha-da.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_02: It really is.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes it's an aggressive resolution.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like, fuck you, make nice.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: Right now.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: Let's agree to disagree, motherfucker, and keep it moving.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: And then the other side's like, whoa, I'm not sure.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: But a part of it too is like when you when you get older, you just don't give a shit about certain things.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you just let your tolerance for the bullshit is like.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: You just don't care.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like the the tolerance for the bullshit is there's none from personally.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: But then like there's some things you're like, I don't want to pick this battle.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't want to deal with this.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: You should pick your battles because that goes back to your value system.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: What actually fucking matters.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: Some things are not important enough for me to pick a fight over.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I mean.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like I had a party and I didn't invite you, sorry, I forgot.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: You gonna get mad?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: No, of course not.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't care.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like for me, I'm like a true man.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: You did me a favor.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, Hana knows.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: Hanan, social life, you know Hanan's social life.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'll never get mad at her.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, she knows what I like.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we we made plans.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: But you were also the evolution of man.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm going to address you with the same question.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: I had an event, and for some reason I had a complete brain fart, and I didn't tell you Hanan.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_02: So it depends on who you are in my life.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: It's me and your life.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no, and then I'm not gonna get mad at you because I know you.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: Oh I know you.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so there's that trust.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_02: I know you.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like there isn't an intentional.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_03: It's you couldn't or you forgot, or I know you get brain farting.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: The benefit of the doubt.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: And this is what's missing in a lot of these things.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: The benefit of the doubt.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: The benefit of the doubt, and this is what I always tell, you know, my family members when there's there are any issues.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why don't you give the other person the benefit of the doubt?
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_01: But why do we always assume the worst?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_03: Why assuming the fucking worst?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_03: Why is that the case?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: Stop assuming the worst and give the person the benefit of the doubt that actually there is love and words and kindness.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: Words don't have 3,000 layers of meaning to them.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_03: Like, cut it out.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_03: But that's where therapy comes in, right?
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_03: Because if you are so traumatized and you're used to really reading between the lines because you grew up in a household that meant 6,000 things by a simple sentence, you really got to reset because if you understand that the intent is resolution, you got to work backwards from that.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_03: If your goal coming in is happy life, peace, and moving on, you got to figure out how you build up to that.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: And building up to that means let shit go, Elsa.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Let it go.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: I have a question for you.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: So, in your experience, because I have I'll I'll talk about mine after you answer this.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: This question in your experience when you were going through whatever issues with your family members, was there a person or maybe one or two people that were involving themselves that you thought should stay the hell out of it?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's not their place.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: And how did you deal with that?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_03: I told them to fucking stay out of it and let that person with the issue address it directly.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: But there is the savior syndrome, right?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Savior syndrome is, and this is where the enabling comes in, regardless of who it is, whatever party, is that when you're consistently supporting because you feel bad for what this person's mental health issues are exposing them and making them vulnerable to.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: And again, I'm not dismissing the issues that any individual has with their insecurities and their own phobias and their own fears and traumas and blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_03: But at the same time, you have to be able to uplift them and support them for a solution that is more long-term rather than a fucking band-aid, which is I will be your savior and make this problem worse.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: Because it's a perpetual cycle that doesn't end.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, because recognize the issue at its root and address it because you're not only making them stronger to be able to be resilient and not lose people like it's a pair of pants every other month.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_03: You know, but you you're also teaching your kids that there's life beyond argument.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_03: There's life beyond beyond conflict.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: And what really matters, what really fucking matters, is that you find peace whether you agree or disagree.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a sailor.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: Not everybody likes that.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_03: And I've come to the conclusion that I love to curse.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it is.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: And that is a level of expression that I have.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_03: I do trail it back.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_03: However, if you are in my circle, you know Joe curses.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's the way she talks.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: So don't take that shit personal.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: And if you take it personal, it'll easy.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_02: I I I totally totally agree with what you're saying.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: And I especially the last sentence of like, if somebody is behaving a certain way, you know, don't project your insecurities on that person.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe they're this is just the way that they are.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: It has nothing to do with what you're wearing, with how you feel today, with anything if you are as a person.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I think sometimes it gets lost.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_02: And a lot of the root of the arguments, and I'll speak for myself, is somebody will say to me, I don't like the way you're talking.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like, so for example, like if I have an argument with my husband and he says something like I end up feeling really guilty later that I'm like, okay, what is it that I said?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_02: And let me try not to do that again, even though I usually end up doing it.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_03: But I I'm glad you said that because there is an important point to make, which is we all make fucking mistakes.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, 100%.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_03: And the biggest question I've learned that has helped me tremendously, with especially with the whole living a little teasy life, I will call it.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: Is so what?
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: So what?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, we had an argument.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: I called you a fuck face.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: You know my core.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: And then I'm coming back and saying, look, dude, I didn't mean to call you a fuck face.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_03: And so what?
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_03: Move on.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: You move the fuck on.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_02: So I also think like I I see where you're what you're saying, but I also think people process things in different ways.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_02: And they do really depends on.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_02: I know you're saying move on, and I'm all for moving on, but sometimes that moving on, and I'm I'm talking about myself.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not talking about anybody else at this point.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes moving on takes me time if it's something that deeply, deeply affected me.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_02: Or how I can't just be like, I'm I'm feeling okay.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_02: No, and I I think I think that's fine.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_02: I personally feel like I'm just saying that like it takes me time.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_02: You need some time.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_02: I need some time to feel like myself again.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_03: But you know you'll reach it.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_02: To feel like myself again.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_03: There's a difference between understanding and saying, I need my time, I will get to peace, and we will move on.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: Just give me a week, give me a month, whatever it is, versus there is no hope in sight, and I will do zero to rectify things and resolve things.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: For me, the past couple of years, I've realized some of the people that I held very dear to my heart, and you know, they're family members and I love them still no matter what.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: But some of them, a couple in particular particular, I've like I there's something about them that I no longer can be the same way that I was with them.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: 100% something broke, something like that because because the trauma goes both ways, right?
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really important.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: They have their trauma, you have yours.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: But I've gone out of my way to never stop talking to them.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay, and I've gone out of my way to always be there, even though like my feelings towards them have changed.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: I still love them, but I can't treat you the same way like I that I did two years ago.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: For sure.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's a good thing.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm being sure.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I'm like, I still love you, I care about you, I'm gonna be there for you.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: But my relationship, even if you don't know it with you, has changed for me.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but I think that's healthy because that's also you setting boundaries for the impact that it's had on you and your family.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I and I think everyone will should be able to set a boundary.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_03: My this is my thing, okay?
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: So there's a there's a really important point also I want to make is the fact that family, especially relationships among families, should always be held to a higher level and should have a lot more energy invested in ensuring that the family dynamic is secure given the fact that there are children involved.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_03: And so my need to resolve is going to be higher with family members than it is with a stranger and acquaintance, but we also have friends, right?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_03: That do meet the criteria of family because they've been there then since day one and everything else.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_03: But blood is is shared in family.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_03: And if you have that, again, core value system, if your core value is to show your children that we are thick as thieves, yeah, and there is nothing short of death that will separate us, then there is absolutely no reason that you cannot move beyond a misunderstanding, an issue, a disagreement, whatever it is.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_03: And I tell my brothers this you can punch me in the fucking face, I would lose a tooth, and I will be fine the next day.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_03: Because I know your core and I know it was a moment, and I go back to the whole like keep it moving.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's just me.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_03: However, if you have a lot of trauma and and a lack of resolve and insecurity in your heart that you just can't let go of shit, I can't help you.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but that's the boundary that I would set for myself because if I've come, if I see that point where you don't want solutions and peace and a good place for yourself and your family, who the fuck am I to impose it on you?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: And also, I I wanted to say just from my experience, I think communication, the lack of communication or knowing how to communicate, for sure, especially with Arabs, man.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, let's be real.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_01: We're like using TSP.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's not just Arabs, Hannah, but I'm saying in in like because I'm Arab, you're Arab, she's Arab, but that's what I'm saying.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's I feel like it's harder for them, and like they hold on to so much resentment because it adds up and piles on throughout the years, and it's a poison communicate because they don't know how to communicate.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then when when the moment comes where you're confronting someone, all of that comes out at once.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's vomiting.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's just very unhealthy.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like the lack of communication.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: You did this shit to me 10 years ago and 13 years ago.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_03: And like, excuse me, um, so you might have exactly nyani.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's exhausting thinking about this stuff.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_03: It's too exactly.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_02: I need to come back to my Zen.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_02: Hold on.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_02: It's fine.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sitting in the middle here all guilty.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: You do look guilty.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_01: Sitting here all guilty.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, see, here's my next question.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: My next question to you.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's you, motherfucker!
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_02: It happens.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_02: But again, here I think is the difference is that at least I feel guilty.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_02: Like, if I and I know that I did something wrong, and I have the ability to apologize.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_02: You have the intent to move on and the strength to recognize that like that you are accountable.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_02: That when I make a mistake, that I'm like, holy crap, I I just did this.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_02: And and I'm somebody who like I am 100%, 100%, I'm a very emotional human being.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_02: Like, before my brain takes over, my emotions have already guided us through like an entire hundred years of you know the future and the past and the present.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_02: So I and I also know that, right?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_02: Like I also know that before my brain takes over, like, there's gonna be a whole ass story that has taken place.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she's like that.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I still remember I tell the story when we were working together and the HR person had sent her an email saying, I need to talk to you.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you read between the lines.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: And she, I've never seen I'm like, dude, what's wrong with you?
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Relax.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: Just go to, she's like, I can't wait, I can't wait till tomorrow.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_02: I need to know what he wants.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_02: Now, I need to know right now.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_02: But but that's kind of like, like I said, it's it's uh it's a double-edged sword, right?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_02: So when I'm not sure.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_03: But you're lucky, by the way.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: I want to say you're lucky to have someone aground you and for you to heed that, right?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_03: And that's why I feel sorry for some people that don't have that opposing voice that they actually appreciate.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_03: If she tells you, and I do, and we have these calls, right?
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_03: Like I flip my shit and you're like, Joe, you're overreacting.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_03: I will heed what you say because I know that you mean well for me.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: Of course.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that in itself carries a lot of strength.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_02: And I also think it's the way that, you know, and I again, I will only ever talk about me.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_02: It's the way that people approach sort of like how you're, you know, how you're giving somebody that advice or how you're telling me.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_02: Sure, okay, B, but sometimes I feel like somebody will tell me, like, oh, you need it, you should have done one, two, three.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, I need there's there's specific words that I've discovered that when you start a sentence with this, can ha'ik this makes me want to explode.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_01: Can you translate that?
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_02: Can ha'ik means like it was your right.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_02: No, not it was your right.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_02: You should have.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_02: You should have.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_02: You should have.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_02: You should have done it this way.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_02: You should have done this.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it's already done.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_02: I can't go back.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_02: So when you start by telling me you should have, right?
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just like, shoulda, woulda, coulda.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_02: Like, fuck you.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_02: You, you and I want me to do the Palestinian side.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_02: Like, for me, that that I've discovered that, okay, and then I have to pause because I'm like, okay, maybe this person doesn't mean it in the way that it has traumatized me.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I understand that, right?
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_02: But there's very, very specific things that that I know that that trigger me.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_02: At the same time, you can tell me something, and she can tell me something, and you know, you both have the same intention, but maybe I'll like hear Lena because I know the way that I, and not really, because like I have the same level of trust with you.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and sometimes you just want to vet.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't mean that person needs to push you to do something crazy.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that's a huge thing too.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like, it really depends on the audience.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes when I'm venting, I'll have somebody who's like, Oh, well, you should do this, and you need to do this, and you and you should.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_02: That when somebody says you should do this, and I'm just here trying to have this letter out.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, and I could and I have had it out.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, before before Joe came, you and I were venting.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't tell her, go do this, this, and that.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like you just need to say, I just need to do that.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's interesting you say that because that's another thing I learned from therapy.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_03: Fixers always want to fix, and so they feel that their position when they hear an issue or a trauma is providing advice.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_03: And sometimes, and I've learned, and I've I do this with my husband a lot because sometimes I know he is the most intelligent man in my life, and this is why I adore the hell out of him because his IQ is above and beyond.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_03: But I also know that I need to just listen and shut the fuck up.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes you just gotta listen instead of like pushing for fixing, because it goes back to wanting to have resolution and cut your losses and move on.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_03: Not everyone functions that way, and I keep telling myself that.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: So it saying that cut your losses and move on, did you have a moment where you're like, I'm done, halas, I can't fix this?
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, 100%.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_03: I raised the white flag, I want to say, a good month ago.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_03: Because when I saw a final attempt of unconditional love from my side being given, that immediately, instead of taking it for face value and for the love that it is, was taken, misconstrued, uh uh turned into a jab and something poisonous, I realize that you are beyond my health for you to take it to that point.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_03: Because what I'm trying to show is that I am always there, unconditional love, regardless of when, when, how, my door will be open.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_03: However, I will set boundaries to protect my family's mental health given the impact that it's had.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_03: Because we don't share the same core values at all.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_03: My children will forever, inshallah, and I'll do my best, and of course, God knows what the future holds.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna do my darnest to ensure that they stay cohesive and not let anything or anyone come between them.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, because it's not that big of a deal.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_03: It really fucking is.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, yeah, I mean, for me, I I tried for a year and then I reached a point where I like this is affecting me.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like this is affecting my health, my anxiety.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm losing stuff.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, your family picks up on it too.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: They pick up on your energy.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: And especially when you're when you're away, and then they all call to tell you to kind of like just dump this stuff.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like everyone has a diversion.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, traumatized.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just and I tried my best, I did, and then there was a point where I told my husband, my husband even got involved and tried, and I was like, I'm done.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: After this, I no longer I'm leaving this to God.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_01: Can I say something that's really gonna piss off people?
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_03: Because I know it's gonna piss people off.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_03: If you are truly, I believe, a pious Muslim.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I was gonna get there.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm right there with you.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_01: That is so fine.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_01: Bisalu Basum.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_03: You consider yourself, and this isn't just an Islam.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_03: Jesus also said, turn the other cheek, and it's entirely fine.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_03: This is this is not, this is we're talking about people that are spiritual and pious, then go and do and fight the good cause.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_03: And it also follows along the line of you know, fighting, especially right now with our own internal resistance and ensuring that our lives are also meaningful.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_03: Your family's lives are meaningful as well.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_03: Their mental health is meaningful as well.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_03: Therefore, if you truly believe in the teachings of Muhammad, Jesus, Musa, whatever, whoever, then you also need to understand that there is a way for you to move beyond and see the bigger picture of what matters.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_03: Another thing, like my I equate this to like the streets are dirty, people throw shit on the ground, but their houses are clean.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_03: We're all clean, forget the outside, we're very clean.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_03: But when we go outside, I'm gonna throw that bag of chips and that Pepsi on the ground.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but it's everywhere, it's ubiquitous.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_03: You're supposed to be able to apply it to all parts of your life.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_03: So go to Hajj, go to Umrah, do your shit.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_03: But if you don't follow all the teachings at their core, you're gonna be able to do that.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you need to find Buddha.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: I called the Mara on that.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: For sure, but soon where you guys fast and pray, but then like you guys aren't talking to each other.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_01: And that's like one of the biggest things you can.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, is like your your relationship with your siblings, with your family members.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_03: And then you and I both know we are all mortal.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_03: Do we forget that we're mortal?
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_03: We do.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_03: Do we forget that we're because when the day happens and that day will come, because it's something that I think about as well.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_03: When the elderly pass, then all of a sudden you're gonna wake the fuck up and say, Oh, I should have, what a cut of.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_03: And if I see you crying, you know, I'm gonna punch you in the face.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I always wonder that's right.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm gonna do if I see you crying.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's speaking of you know, people dying, I always wonder why we have to wait until something so tragic happens.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_02: Like we I have my own, you know, like family experience with that.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_02: Like somebody literally had to die in a tragic and horrific way.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_02: To bring people together.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_02: To bring people together.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_02: And it was terrible because so this person, like, their life on earth was beautiful.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_02: They were a beautiful human being.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_02: They everything about them was everything, everything.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_02: This person was all around like like one of the best humans out there, right?
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_02: Uh died tragically at the age of 30.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, tragically at the age of 34.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_02: But it took that death to bring so many people together that hadn't talked to each other in like 30 years.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, do you guys even remember why you're mad?
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_02: Do you remember why you're mad?
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_02: Like you're your siblings.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_02: Why are you upset?
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_02: And and and somebody had to die in a way that was horrifying for them, for their father.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_02: For you to realize that, like, I don't know, it's it's crazy to me.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_02: So, like, I have two siblings.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_02: Do we fight?
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_02: But I think who doesn't fight?
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just gonna be very clear exactly.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_03: Who doesn't fucking fight?
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone fights, but I also think when you keep it moving, I also think, yeah, we have this understanding that we're gonna always be together.
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_02: Even if it's a little bit, even if it's a little bit sometimes unhealthy, even if it's sometimes toxic, even if we gotta get over the hump, like we're gonna be together.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_02: Because we only have each other.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_03: Listen, I could talk about this all day.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_03: However, I think the bottom line, just kind of a recap for everyone, is that 2025 is off to a shit start.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_03: Let's be clear, right?
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so I I don't know about you guys, but where we are today is is Mother Nature and the earth saying, I'm mad at all, you motherfuckers.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, 100%.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_03: With that said, give yourself some moments of reflection to think about giving the people you once loved or love the benefit of the doubt.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, for sure.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_03: Take the extra energy to extend the olive branch, given the fact that people would die to see their loved ones back home, even if it's for a split second, regardless of what happened.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_03: Extend the olive branch, make peace, and grow your core family so that your family values grow organically and you just start anew.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_03: And don't rehash the past.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's one thing I would have to emphasize.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_03: If for some reason you make peace and you're able to go through things, agree on a way forward and agree on how to resolve things.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_03: Because you've set your own borders, the other sides also set their own borders.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_03: There is a way in the middle, the green zone, if you will.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_03: That you can actually meet, but you both have to meet at it, and you both, it has to be reciprocated, right?
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_03: 100%.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_03: And just just just fucking move on and say a lot easy to all the fatyas.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, yes, you know, like none of it matters.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_04: None of it matters.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_01: For me, I just want to say, you know, life is short.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_01: And we've seen that in the past year.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um the person you're excuse me, the person you're arguing with and fighting with now might not be here tomorrow.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_01: For sure.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just just think about that.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the for me, this none of this, all of this stuff is just meaningless.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know, just your family.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_01: You you share blood.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_01: Let it go.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: Really, just let it go.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing is this, isn't, is this serious.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_02: You know, honestly, that's I was gonna say, like, it's not that serious, but also like I don't ever, my biggest thing is I don't ever want to wake up one day and say, God, I wish I would have hugged you.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_02: I wish I would have, I wish I would have, I wish we would have just been like cool.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like we would have high-fived each other, we would have given each other a hug, and things would have been okay.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_02: The last thing I want is for and it's not even about resolution.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_02: I don't ever want resolution to be that this person is like no longer here.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like that would, I think that would break me like eternally.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_02: 100%.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, it's just like it's not that serious.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_02: Like we can just learn to freaking let go and let God.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_03: We can, yeah, live and let live and look at the big picture ultimately at the end.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_03: Think about what you have to lose and what you have to gain.
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_03: And if for some reason the ratio for gain is just even just a smoosh higher, give that the extra energy than letting the resentment fester in you like a poison.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_03: Resentment does nothing except for cause cancer, death, additional trauma than anything else.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_03: Just channel your inner Elsa and let it go.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_03: I know.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_02: Can I play?
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_02: Can I just say something?
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so happy that we did this episode with you.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so happy that I came.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for coming.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_02: And thank you for being in goodies.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_03: I know.
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_02: And thank you for being the eternal queen of like just fuck it all.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like honestly.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_01: But we need to have her on more often.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think we'll bring her on for other topics.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: I am an adult.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: She's gonna be our in-house.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: She's gonna be our in-house uh guest.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_02: Or she can be our third microphone.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_04: What's what's that dog that like curses a lot?
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_04: Rude Jude?
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_04: No, that's a guy.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_04: Never mind.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_04: You guys are.
• 42:54
  unknown: I don't know what you're talking about.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_04: I could be rude, Joe.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_04: No, it's fine.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_04: You can curse.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_04: We don't find her.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it's cursing.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_04: Everyone, just let it out.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_04: Let it out.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let it out.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's a form of therapy.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_03: And and let's and I'm telling you, mental health, mental health, mental health.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_03: It is a huge component in our community that is completely marginalized and sidelined.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody pays attention.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_03: It's a sickness.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_03: It is real.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone fucking has it and it needs to be addressed.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_03: This is not visible like a broken arm or a twisted finger or a cackeye.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_03: You need to be able to address mental.
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_04: Can we say cackeye?
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_04: Is that like politically correct?
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_04: I like socially correct.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_04: I don't, oh really?
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_01: She drives me crazy with this.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like when we started doing this, we'd say, I'd say, hey guys.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, You can't say guys.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why not?
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_02: You are way too woke.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not woke at all, by the way.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_02: I am just saying she's so woke.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_02: We love you guys.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.