Latest / The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast / Creating Connection that Lasts | a conversation with Susan Yates

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Creating Connection that Lasts | a conversation with Susan Yates · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_02: My name is Amy Wicks, and I love to talk about the gospel message your heart was created to hear.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: All things Enneagram and helping you be confident that you are the best mom for your kids.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a mountain mama who somehow ended up on a cul-de-sac in the Medwest.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: I was alone and without family or community.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: But the Lord, he didn't let me stay there.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: He helped me turn my broken-hearted moment into a wholehearted decision to get intentional with my faith, my marriage, and my kids.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: I share broken-hearted perspective with story, but with wholehearted purpose and plans so you can live a life full of confidence and abundance.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: Think of this podcast as your on-the-go mom pal, mixed with a little bit of Enneagram coaching.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: So get to that pile of laundry or hit the treadmill or load up the kids in the car for that grocery run.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: And be ready to be encouraged and challenged while you listen.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: This is the Simply Wholehearted Podcast.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: During this corona crazy season, how do you as a mom get help for the summer months that are just about to begin while also creating some hopeful plans for the future?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I'd like to invite you to a conversation rich in perspective and wisdom to remind you to shift your paradigm, remember your purpose, and walk away with a plan that you can implement today.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: Today's guest is Susan Yates, and her new book, Cousin Camp, gives guidance for creating fun, faith, and memories for the immediate and for the future.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: Even if you feel like you are dying in a pile right now and you can't think that far in the future, Susan's mothering voice might be exactly what you need today.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: Motherhood is one of the most biggest and most challenging roles we will ever hold.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: I hope you'll take a listen to the life-giving words Susan is sharing with you today.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: Now, while these last few months have seemed longer than normal, I also can't believe we are past the halfway mark of May.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness, summer is just around the corner.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't know about you, but with these last few months of school done at home, I need the summer to look different than the school year.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm wondering if you're in the same boat as me.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_02: Is your entertainment, camps, and playmates going to be limited these summer months?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: And are you dreading the no-schedule, long days, sibling fighting, boredom, constant eating, and crazy messy house all summer long?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: Well, don't worry.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: I'm here for you.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so is my Simply Summer Plan.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: You can put it into action today for the unplugged and purposeful connection that you desire to have with your kids.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: The Simply Summer video guide series walks you through the five-step planning process that I've personally used for the last 11 summers.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: I help you break down the next three months so you can help your kids form lifelong habits while getting more done for you.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: I've created and shared all the colorful and easy to use templates that are ready to print or customize for your needs.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: In short, the Simply Summer Self-Paced video series guides you through determining what your kids want to do, what you want your kids to do, and what they need to do.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: And then you put it all together, creating a system of rewards that connect you and your family in meaningful ways.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: So instead of counting down the minutes until next school year, you can make the minutes count with your kids this summer.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: Check out the show notes for more information, or go to simply wholehearted.com and you'll see all the information there on the homepage.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: Now, let's jump right into this conversation with Susan Alexander Yates.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's been hard.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: I had I got I turned 40 at the end of last year.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I had a lot of words.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I didn't celebrate because it's at Christmas time.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: And I just like having a birthday around Christmas stinks.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: So I asked my good friends, including Sarah Hagerty.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: So we're part of a prayer group, Sarah.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: There's another Sarah and then three of other others.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, you know, if you could wait to celebrate my birthday till March.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: And so thankfully we set a date for beginning of March.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: Oh good.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, it was literally the first Saturday of March.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: And so anyway, we, you know, it was a beautiful celebration.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: And a lot of the words and gifts and stuff I got were about growth.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I just I just kind of laugh about it now because I'm like, growth.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, the first part of the year was hard.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: And then this has just been difficult.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean, the only thing I can do that I know about growth on this side of things is that my husband's an arborist and he prunes trees.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: You're tired of being pruned.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: I am sick of it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: I am sick of it.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: I am ready to see some life and fruit and to have a harvest.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, at least you've got a great metaphor with him on what you're going through.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: I guess.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Well, how are you hanging in there?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: Virginia, I know it is under a long lockdown.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: I have a couple of friends out there.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: June, right?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: June, I know.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even crazy, but it's because we're metropolitan Washington and so they're scared.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so, but you know, it's a great season for us because we have this little farm.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we've mainly been at our little farm, and I don't have any toddlers and I don't have any teenagers.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we have two other couples who have houses out there who are from our church, so we're able to social distance get together.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we're not alone.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's actually been a really sweet time.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: That's awesome.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_02: That is awesome.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thankful.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm really feeling for you all with kids.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So funny thing.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I have twins that are your age.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: One of my daughters, they're girls.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: One of my daughters has quads plus one.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So she has five had five children under two.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my lands.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: But fortunately now they're nine and eleven.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a big idea than the early years.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: But my other daughter just called me.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Her twin sister just called me.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: She has three.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they woke up yesterday morning at six o'clock.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: They live in Tennessee with this horrible smell in their house.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: They had to race out of the house.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: There were skunks that had gotten into their their um heat and bat and air conditioning system.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: They haven't had to move out.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even imagine.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: Seriously, that does absolutely stink.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have to tell your kids that they'll get a lot.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: They will.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: They will just be amazed.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: And now they'll be looking out for any skunks that might intrude.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: So how many kids do you have, Susan?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: I have five.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: You have five.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: And grandkids.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Can you count them all?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: 21.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's amazing.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm kind of guessing.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I mean, one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on the show was this lovely book that I got from your publicist called Cousin Camp.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: And then I didn't just have one, but I had two friends reach out to me and go, Susan Yates, my dear friend, is coming out with a book and you need to have her on the podcast.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, of course I would have her on the podcast.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because your book feels I, you know, I reading through it and and knowing about you, you just seem like a kindred spirit.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: And man, if if we could live in the same state, I would be asking you out for coffee once a week until you tell me all your wisdom.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: So maybe we'll have to make some Zoom dates or something in the future.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: We can get Sarah Hagerty and Jodie Burton in on it.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that'd be perfect.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: That would be great.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: So we we like to talk about oftentimes that a a wholehearted decision in our life is often birthed from a brokenhearted moment.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_02: And maybe it's a maybe it's even something that's not like tragic, but just something that doesn't even go the way that we want it to, or go, man, I really wish this was better.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: So for you, where did where was this idea of cousin camp birth from?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_02: What was your experience as a mom but then as a grandma that formed this idea?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's a great question, I mean.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, um I when I was in high school, I was voted the least likely to get married by the gang of girls I've done really, and that's kind of cruel.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they were joking, you know.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I really I was a tomboy, I was the oldest of four kids, I really didn't like my siblings.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, oh, I want to be a career woman, I want to be a lawyer, I want to run for president, you know.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted all that.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I understand, yeah.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: So God has a sense of humor, and I married my best friend, and we had five kids in seven years.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh numbers four and five were twins.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it was a crazy maker, and God really used that to humble me.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we wanted kids, but I didn't know that they were gonna have them so quickly.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: And we we both came from strong families, and we knew that the place to go was to the Lord.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we needed more than anything.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so we just began to pray about a family vision as we were raising our own kids.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And our vision was simply that from the great commandment that they love the Lord their God with all their heart and that they would love one another.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you think of loving your neighbor as yourself, you really your first neighbor is your spouse and then your kids.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: Totally.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so that sort of became our family vision.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, along the way, you feel like over and over again you're failing as a parent.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: As a matter of fact, I think if people were really honest, they would say, you know, I'm sure I've ruined this child.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we have thought that many times.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have ruined this child, I have ruined this child.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe truly that we need to even write this phrase down.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Your ability to ruin your child is not nearly as great as God's power to redeem them.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, that's a key.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Your ability to ruin your child is not nearly as as great as God's power to redeem them.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so as we were raising our kids, you know, we we felt like failures many times, but God just redeems.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And we were thinking long-term, and even when our kids were born, when they were first born, we started praying for their spouses if God would have them marry.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I know God doesn't have everybody married, but if God would have them marry, we still we wanted them to marry someone who loved the Lord, and we also began to pray for the parents that were raising them.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, that's good.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because I hope there were some parents out there praying for me as I've raised mine.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: So um, it's been fun to meet our our in-laws, they're amazing.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: All five of our kids are married, and we live scattered out from Tennessee to Virginia to North Carolina, and we have the 21 grandchildren.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so, as the grandchildren came along, we just thought, okay, Lord, how do we put feet on this vision?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that our grandchildren now that we're looking at the next generation would love you and love one another.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And how do we do that when they don't even know some of their cousins because we're out?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so the vision for a cousin camp really came out of a need, uh, a need, you know, Lord, how can we help make this happen?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And a dependence, realizing, you know, the most important thing we can do is pray.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: But we began uh with five children.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: We decided we would host a camp.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: We have a little tiny farm, and we would host a camp at our farm in the summer because for us, summer was better because the weather was more predictable, and nobody really wants to be cooped up with small children in a house anymore.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: No way, especially after you did that already.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_02: You earned your badge.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we started with five children, and for our camp, you have to be four years old to come.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, like that.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: For us, we didn't want to deal with kids weighing the bed, not sleeping through the night, whining, kneaded their blankets, etc.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: We wanted what obedient.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So now that's not that's not right for everybody.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: As a matter of fact, I have a lot of stories in my book of how other people have done it differently because as you know, Amy, there's not one right way to do this.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: You have to seek the Lord and see what's best for your situation with your family.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: But so for us, we set the age limit as four, and that's proven to be really wise.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And the first year we had cousin camp, we had five children from three different families, and I think we have two four-year-olds, a six-year-old, a seven-year-old, and an eight-year-old.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And we have it for three nights and four days.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: The parents drop the kids off.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Parents are not allowed at camp.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: That is great.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it went so well, and we thought, okay, you take it one year at a time.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: We thought we'd like to do this next year.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so we've now done it 11 years in a row.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And now the past several years, we've had all 21 grandchildren there.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just been beautiful to see God, what God has done in bonding the kids together.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: We we've made a lot of mistakes.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: We've had to have forgiveness.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we've had to learn how to cover each other in our marriage when one of us gets burned out or put out with the child.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: The other has to step in.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it's real life, but what we've seen the result of is that these kids who maybe would only see each other once a year now have more of a context for really knowing each other.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: The little ones, when our youngest, we had two four-year-olds who were the last to be new campers, they didn't even know all their cousins.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so we asked the moms got out pictures of each family before camp and helped these four-year-olds learn the names, who went with who and who was whose sibling.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they came in somewhat confident.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, that's so and so.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's my cousin Gray.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's so-and-so.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was important for us now.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Most people won't have 21 grandchildren, but it's really helpful to give the new kids coming security that they at least know each other's name.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's what family they go with.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I actually needed um it kind of reminds me when I was meeting my husband's family for the first time, like 16, 17 years ago.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: I was given a photo album ahead of time with names with everybody because it was for my brother-in-law's and sister-in-law's wedding, and you know, everyone was gonna be there, and I was meeting everyone for the first time.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: And it was really helpful.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: A little great cheat sheet.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, that's great.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_02: So, okay, tell me about some of the planning into this.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: I I kind of wonder, are you a planner type, or do you kind of go, oh, this is just a fun idea, we'll figure it out as we go along.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: Tell me some of that at the beginning and then how you do it now.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm a planner.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that has influenced our planning, and actually we we have used this different type of paradigm in pretty much everything we've done in our marriage and raising our kids in our ministry.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: But often I think as people, we tend to think an event.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's have a great event.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what will we do at the event?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And rarely, though, do we think about the needs of the people coming to the event.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's good.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: And often you can host an event that's great, but doesn't really have any lasting value, it doesn't make a difference.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or it may be a flop.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: We've all hosted events with people.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, unfortunately.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, unfortunately.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: What we do is we write down the names of the campers and then we think through a grid called with three columns needs, goals, program.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: So we think as we think through each child, take um my my granddaughter, Sailor, for example.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sailor come is one of the youngest, and she comes as a newbie.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: We call them the first year.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think through, we think through the grid of what are five areas of growth.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I mean, we've done this with our own children for years when we were raising our kids, when we were your age.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we all have five areas of growth social, mental, physical, spiritual, and social, mental, physical, spiritual, and social.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And some of them overlap, but we ask ourselves a question okay, sailors come into camp, it's her first year.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: What are her emotional needs?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one of them is she needs to feel safe and secure.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't know all these older cousins.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a goal.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: So the need is she needs to feel safe and secure.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is that she would feel safe and secure.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So the program is how do we help that happen?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we have her sleep with her siblings because that gives her comfort.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we have her do activities with her other cousin who's exactly her same age, so that she would get to know socially one other person really well.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: So the whole thinking in this is that you design your program, you don't think program first, which is our next tendency.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it is.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: What are the needs of the people coming?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: For example, another need is a 10-year-old.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I have a 10-year-old coming, and he's the youngest of five, and he really needs to be separated from his siblings.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: He will have a lot of fireworks if he's not.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: The social need for him is that he has opportunities to bond with a cousin who's his same age.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: So in our program, we set up events and small groups and different things to do, and we pair those two together and we keep him apart from his siblings.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Brilliant.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're we're thinking that way the whole time.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And we do this every year because as the kids grow, the needs change.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And another thing that we do that's really helpful is we um I send out a letter to the parents a couple weeks before camp.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I ask them basically for a cheat sheet.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'll say, What what are the needs?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us, tell me about how Alexander's doing.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: What are his needs?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: What do you see?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Where does he shine?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, what are his love languages?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what would make him shine?
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is he a helper?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Is he a leader?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: What does he like?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Does he like sports, music, technology?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: What are your children into?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the grand sometimes the grandparents don't know and change all the time.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: So we ask our kids to give us a little cheat sheet.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: What would thrill this one at camp?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Where can we help make him shine?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really helpful.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, even if you're not having a camp, that's a really helpful thing that a parent can do for the grandparents.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's good.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Say, hey, mom and dad, I wanted to tell you about my three kids and where they are right now, and these are their needs.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And would you use this to pray for them?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because the one thing grandparents can do wherever they are is pray for their grandkids.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes we need to know what to pray specifically.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's good.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: One child that needs a really close friend.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one of my grandchildren right now needs a really close friend.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: So that's just sort of another way that we prepare.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's out of that that we come up with the schedule.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_02: And even I not only to pray for your grandkids, that idea prompt, but to have conversation because I know that, you know, whether you're in quarantine or your states away from your grandparents and and all of that, then we're on the phone relying on technology more than ever to communicate.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes because we can't do something together, it's dependent on conversation.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: And there's kind of a loss of art role to conversation that we are experiencing in this day of over technology, I think.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_02: So I I love that because that just gives some help to the grandparents so they can ask interesting kind of questions that lend itself to curiosity and interest and intentionality instead of just the classic, well, how is school?
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, especially when you're living in quarantine for life can get kind of stagnant and boring.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: It can get stagnant really fast.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: You're so right.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_02: I love uh also, I know that because your book came out in the middle of this pandemic taking over our lives.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_02: And, you know, the almost for some people, depending on their state and their county, or even maybe their um their parents or grandparents' health challenges, they their summer's gonna look very different.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_02: You know, so the idea of gathering everyone for a family reunion or a cousin camp, it feels a little bit out of reach.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_02: So um what you have created, you've taken the time to create a hundred practical ideas for families that we can incorporate this summer.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_02: Tell me a little bit about that.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_02: I know that I'm gonna utilize it along with my Simply summer.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: And um just I always need more ideas for creativity, right?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_02: As parents, we we always even if it's only one idea that we can take and run with it, it's super helpful.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what happened is.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: As you said, you know, the cousin camp book was written, and it was written before the pandemic.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: And there's two things that families need right now: we need help for the immediate and we need hope for the future.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: We need the ability to hope and plan for that future time when we can have a family reunion.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And in the book, I talk about not just cousin camps, but all different types of family reunions.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: So we need something to look forward to.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: So that's where the book is helpful right now.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I also quickly realized that moms, particularly at home, are saying, I can't even think about a family reunion right now.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to get through today, and I'm dying in a pile, basically.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if you have toddlers or if you have teenagers.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the teenagers are cranky, they're missing graduations, they're missing all their friends, there's no senior problem.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's a hard time, and it seems to be all the parents' fault, though it's not, but that's how it feels.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I did, and actually it just came out last week, Amy, is I created a free ebook, a download, that has it's titled Camp at Home, and it has 100 ideas, 100 practical ideas for families to use, whether you have toddlers or teenagers or for whole families, and also some ideas for grandparents to strengthen those bonds when you can't see the grandparents.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, oh I love it.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you just if you go to my website, just Susan Alexander Yates, you can download it for free.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm hoping it will be a real help to us during this pandemic, but also past the pandemic.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because the reality is even if we aren't sheltering at home, we burn out on ideas after a while.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: So we need help.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_02: We do.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I, you know, a couple of the things that I say often, so my friends have heard me say this, but you know, not only is it working on our intentionality, but it's making the minutes count that we have with our kids instead of just counting down the minutes.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_02: Uh because in certain stages of our lives, sometimes more than others, we are looking at that clock constantly, going, when is this going to be over?
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_02: When is the next thing?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I I know it was really easy for me, especially in my early motherhood, to be a clock watcher and just be waiting for the next thing instead of enjoying what was right in front of me.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_02: And I, you know, I kind of like you, I didn't have as many, but I had three and three and a half years.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: And it was a, oh, you know, again, we're I was really grateful to have kids, but it was a shocker and it was hard.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: And so, but anyway, through my brokenhearted moment, I realized I needed to take um, you know, intention and and make the most of the opportunity I had with my kids.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_02: But that's why I love ideas like this, because uh I I'm sure like the ideas I give, they're unplugged, and so they help us make that eye-to-eye contact and get to the heart of the matter, even if it's two or five minutes, right?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_02: It just takes them that much further in their day and in our relationship with them.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_02: And over time that really adds up.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: It adds up, and you know, I think you're so wise to say just do one thing.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: One of the one of the thing traps that we fall into is the comparison trap.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: We look at that other mom and she's got it all together, and her kids are having a good time, and she's relating well, and her house is clean, and you think, I am such a mess, I am such a failure.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's very important just to recognize right off the bat that's a comparison trap, and I refuse to fall into that.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: I God has created me uniquely, and we will do what we can do, and I can't compare myself to that other mother.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the reality is that Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Instagram, they're all the perfect pictures, and behind all of those perfect pictures is a mom who's in a bad mood, or who wakes up and wonders, how am I gonna get through the day?
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or who once again has to discipline a strong-willed child.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: There's always what I call data missing.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: What's presented out there on social media or in glossy magazines is not the real thing.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we just it helps to remember that everybody struggles underneath that perfect picture.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_02: Oh man, I and this is another one of my mantras is that we definitely comparison is one of my big struggles, and part of that is my personality, but to also realize that you were created to be the best mom for your kids.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_02: And it doesn't look like your sister or your neighbor or your best friend.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_02: It looks exactly how God wired you.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, that's why we incorporate the Enneagram, is because understanding our personality helps us understand better how we're wired and how we can thrive, not only in life in general and our in our relationships, but in motherhood.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I I've just found it as incredibly, incredibly helpful and powerful.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm kind of curious.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_02: You said you were an organized person and a planner.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_02: Do you have an idea of what your Enneagram personality type is?
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_02: Have you done any reading or anything?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, I haven't.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I probably should.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: I probably now I'm gonna get you hooked.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: My my daughter, my oldest daughter has done it and she's had her oldest child do it, and she's also found it very helpful.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: So things about it.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it has exactly, you know, if you use in that way, if you have kids that are older, it's helpful to understand their personality.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, you can take one aspect of the Enneagram when your um kids are little and apply it uh to their behavior pattern, and you know, kind of helps you figure out like better discipline styles and things like that.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_02: But um, it is it is just uh it's just kind of a fun, you know, uh tool.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_02: And there's the disc right, there's the Myers Brig, there's all of those things.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_02: You've you've seen them all, you know, especially I think in the Christian world, there's probably even more in the church circles.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: And so um, this is just another one to kind of throw in there and it'll be a ton of fun.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm sure um once I send you the information I have, that'll be a fun thing to talk with your daughter about over a Zoom call or FaceTime.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_02: That's so great.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_02: Well, one of the things that we're doing this month besides gearing up for summer, because I don't know about most of my moms listening, but I'm pretty sure they will relate to this idea because we've just been sort of managing our kids these last few months, and our summer is going to be a little bit limited.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_02: We, you know, we need some ways um to better connect, right?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_02: And so that's why we're talking about cousin camp and the hundred practical ideas for families, but we also want to just take a time to celebrate motherhood, to celebrate what it is to be a mom because it's you know, it's May and we just got done celebrating Mother's Day.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_02: I hope you had a lovely one.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um but as you, you know, as you entered into motherhood, obviously quickly, you said five kids in seven years.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_02: What is the one thing that surprised you most about being a mom?
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's a great question, Amy.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think how overwhelmed I felt.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: And um, the thing that really got me was I had up until the point of having all of those children, I had been pretty successful in life and the things that I had tried to do.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought, well, I can cope with this, I can I can manage this.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then I had twins.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Numbers four and five.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't know I was having twins until three weeks before they were born, and then six weeks after they were born, we moved to a new state.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: My husband was in his first job as a senior pastor, and he was gone a lot, and the twins were colicky.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was up all night, and then I also had a two-year-old, four-year-old, and one who'd just turned seven.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like a miserable failure.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like I'm not doing anything for God.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a lousy mother.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was the hardest the first two years in Virginia where we had moved to were the two hardest years of my life.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: But God used that in such a pivotal way because I think what had happened is my self-image had become defined by what I was doing for God rather than just that I belonged to Him.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to sort of come back to the place of real theology, which says, I love you just because you belong to me.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not because of anything you're doing well, because I didn't feel like I was.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: So that was it was a hard, but I call that a good hard because works had just really crept into my theology.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed to go back to the basics and understand afresh that God loved me just because I belonged to him.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Period.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think in the culture that we live in today, it's very easy for our identity to be an accomplishments.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: I live in the Washington, D.C.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: area in northern Virginia, and we're a city that where the main idol is significance.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, whoever is the most significant is the most valued.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's real easy to let those kinds of things creep into how we view ourselves.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: That was a real turning point in my life, and I still have to keep going back to that because it's easy to creep back into what have I accomplished today?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or what can I accomplish?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then we compare ourselves to somebody else who's doing so much more.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: But God, God's not interested in that.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he's interested at one level, but he's much more interested that I just say, Lord, I need you.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: I need you right this minute, and I belong to you, and you love me because I belong to you.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that was the hardest thing for me was feeling utterly and totally overwhelmed.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: But it was out of that hard that God really pruned me as you were talking about me.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed that.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: I needed that.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I think one of the things that God loves the most is when we come to him in great need.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: When we come to him and we just say, Lord, I can't do this.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: And God says, He says, Come as a little child.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: And what he really wants is he wants for you and me just to crawl in his lap, where he can put his arms around us and hug us, and where he whispers in our ear, It's okay, Amy, I've got you.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay, I've got you.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we need to hear.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_02: Amen.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's beautiful.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_02: I think a few of my mom friends we've talked about how motherhood is the epitome of dying every day, right?
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_02: And and stripping away what it was that we thought was important.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_02: And it is so hard, like you said.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_02: But if we can get it in this motherhood journey, I think we come out on the other side with real richness that we won't ever lose.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: We won't ever lose.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, another a way to look at it too, which you alluded to, is I believe that God has given us the exact children in the exact birth order with the exact personalities, not merely so that we can raise them, but in order that they would be his tools in our life to grow us up into the women he has created us to be.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: Given us that strong-willed two-year-old that's about to kill us.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: That teenager that we just don't get, that's so different from us.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: He's given us these kids in order to groom us, to grow us up.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: And every child is precious.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: That stillborn child, that child we lost, every child is a gift of God, and every child will be used as his tools to grow us up.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a blessing.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: But we often look at it as it's all us inputting into them.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: It helps to see, no, God's using them in my life to grow me up into him.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's so good.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_02: I feel so mothered right now in all the best ways.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_02: I think all my friends, you know, we long for that mothering voice and we don't always have it.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_02: You know, sometimes our our moms are physically gone or emotionally or spiritually unavailable.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_02: And so we need more women like you who are willing to be the mothering voice that a lot of us are needing to hear.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_02: And we can get that from the Holy Spirit, but I also believe that's what the body of Christ is for.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_02: So we can encourage one another and support.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I love it.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_02: That's beautiful.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm wondering as we wrap up, I don't want to end the conversation.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'm pretty sure I'm gonna just ask you to stay on after for the next hour or until my computer dies.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_02: That'd be great.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_02: So, what are three things that we can do before we either download your hundred practical ideas for families or get your book cousin camp so we can dream about the future, which is part of my personality.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_02: I want to I want to plan all the things right now, you know.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but what can we do now to connect with our kids in our home this summer or maybe even later today after we're done listening?
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would say for today, you know, just grab that little child if you have a little one and just eyeball them and say, son, I love you so much.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: You know why.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: And he may give you answers.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then you say to him, No, the reason I love you so much is because you belong to me.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: Period.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: See, that's the kind of father love that God has for us.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: He loves us not because we did what we've done or not done, but because we belong to him.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I had a dad who would in whose lap I would curl up and he would say that to me.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's made a huge difference in how I perceive God.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: I bet I love you so much because you just belong to me.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think you can also take a teenager aside and point out and affirm character traits.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can do this really with any age child, a middle-aged child, a teenager, just say, you know, there's one thing that I admire in you, sweetie.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: I admire your courage.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or I admire that you have a servant's heart.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh what we want to raise our kids with is character.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when it's all said and done, it's character that matters.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so we affirm it's okay to praise your kids for accomplishments, but the main praise for our children needs to come from developing character traits.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's huge.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's so important.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would say, you know, begin today, go to each one of your children and tell them why you love them, they belong to you, and affirm, ask God to show you a specific character trait that they're beginning to grow.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because as you affirm that one, you are thoughtful, you have a servant's heart, you are sensitive.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: A sensitive person is compassionate.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's I found it helpful to um as you and you know this probably from the Enneogram, but as you see somebody's strength, every strength has a flat side of her or a weakness.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that sensitive child may drive you crazy because she's always bursting into tears.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: But on the other hand, she likely has a gift of compassion.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so you want to fan the flame of the positive side of the gift.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I think it helps us to look for the developing character traits in our children and then fan the flame.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's good to do with your husband's tell your husband one thing that you really appreciate about him.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's amazing the impact that'll have on a marriage.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's so much easier to be critical.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's so much easier to be picky, especially when we're closed up together.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so I have to make a choice.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can be picky at the things that are annoying me like crazy in my marriage.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or I ask God, and I actually call this the marriage vitamin.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: Every day I ask God, show me one thing to appreciate my husband for.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't always tell him because that can get kind of trying trite and too planned.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I thank God for that one trait.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: And what that does is it helps me stay positive.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then occasionally I tell him, honey, thank you.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: You were so thoughtful to do that.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: You were really thoughtful, or I'm glad you're a handyman, or whatever it is.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, our husbands need to be affirmed, especially when we're all living in quarantine.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's so true, man.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_02: Susan, you have given gold today.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_02: I I knew it when your name came across my desk again and highly recommended.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I've heard of your name for years, actually, from Sarah, but um, you've given gold.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think we could put a price on what you've shared today and just your your wisdom and just your tenderness that comes through.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I get the privilege of seeing you, um, but I I know my listeners will be hearing it in your voice and just your heart.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I know they'll want to hop on over to your website and give the freebies, but also follow along with you.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_02: And are you on Instagram or some of the socials there that we can follow you there?
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on everything.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: I personally am not very techie, but I have a team that is, so they take good care of it.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is Susan AlexanderYates.com.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_02: Perfect.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_02: That's awesome.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_02: We will definitely be following you there.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you so much for giving your time and wisdom today.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've really enjoyed being with you.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_02: Anytime.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_02: Wow, I sure loved the wisdom and encouragement in this conversation with Susan.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_02: I imagine that you have also benefited from the tender-hearted counsel that she gave today.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_02: You can get Susan's book, Cousin Camp, on Amazon now, and I'd love it if you would give her a follow on Instagram, and maybe even send her a direct message to let her know what you learned from this conversation.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_02: Now don't forget to download the Camp at Home ebook, 100 Practical Ideas for Families, found at Susan AlexanderYates.com.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_02: And if you know mom who could use some encouragement during these crazy times, share this conversation with her to let her know that you are thinking of her.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_02: Next week we will be back with another new and timely conversation.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_02: Be sure that you are subscribed so you don't miss an episode.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_02: Until next time, let's pursue perspective, purpose, and plans for a simply wholehearted life.