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Discipline Over Motivation: How Discipline Becomes Your Greatest Power · The Diva Details

0:01
Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to the Diva
0:05
Detail, where bold, confident women embrace life
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unapologetically. From love and sex to
0:12
wellness and reinvention, we keep it raw,
0:15
real, and powerful. No filters, no limits,
0:20
just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
0:23
Let's dive in with Diva Mia.
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Hello, beautiful people. This is Diva Mia. And today
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I wanted to talk to you a little bit about discipline.
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How many times have you made a promise to yourself and kept it? You were
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going to start the business, finish the book, or learn the skill, make time for
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the people you love. You had a plan and maybe you had 48
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hours to finish something, or you were a woman on a mission.
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There may even be a new planner involved. We do
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love buying office supplies for the people that we love and intend
1:00
to become. Then an ordinary Tuesday arrived. You were tired.
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Something needed your attention, so something overrode it. The excitement
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had worn off and the next step looked much less glamorous than
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the dream. And the dream is what we really focus on. But when it— the—
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you moved it to tomorrow again. And then the next day you
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moved it to tomorrow again. The gap is what we're talking about today. The gap
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between a promise that you made to yourself that sounds good and a life that
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starts to reflect it. Today, we're going to talk honestly about growth,
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relationships, confidence, and the choices that
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shape our lives. Today's episode is about motivation. It's overrated.
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Discipline is the real midlife power. And I enjoy feeling
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motivated, but reality is, is if you're not doing a daily habit
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of discipline, and it doesn't matter what area of your life that you're faltering in,
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if you have an area of your life you're not doing well, it's because you're
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not disciplined in it. So give me a good idea and a little possibility,
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and I'm interested, but I've reached a point in my life where I'm
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much more interested in what we do after that feeling wears
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off. That's when we find out whether
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we've made an actual commitment. Midlife brings
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that question into focus. You can see years of certain choices, where they've taken
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you. You also start thinking more carefully about where the
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next years are going because in midlife, You may not have a ton
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of years left. Maybe you want a different career. Maybe you want to write something,
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rebuild your confidence, or finally make room for a dream.
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You've been accommodating around everybody else's needs.
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Today, we're going to connect discipline with merit,
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integrity, and the daily habits that turn a goal into something you can actually
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work on. We'll talk about being true to yourself without
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making every passing mood your decision maker. Some of these ideas are central to the,
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the book I'm writing, so I have a little bit of experience in
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this. I'm keeping the title to myself for now, but I want to start sharing
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the substance with you because the substance should be useful
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long before there's a book in your hands. While you listen, choose one
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goal you've been postponing. Just one. That's it.
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That's all we're gonna focus on. Keep it in mind as we go. We're gonna
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give that goal a place in your actual life. The goal can be related to
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success. It could be related to your finances. It could be related to your
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health or or your fitness level. It could be related to your family or
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relationships. You may have a goal that you've been wanting to achieve for a while.
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Think about the beginning of something you've wanted. A new opportunity can
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make the work seem easy before you've done any of it. You imagine
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the results, you see the finished product, the stronger relationship, the business
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that works. You're looking at the rewarding part, and of course that feels
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good. Then you encounter the work itself. There are details
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you don't understand. There are repetitions. There's days
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off where your effort produces something average. You might
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spend an hour on a task and discover you need to start again,
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and that hour was just wasted. You may spend 6 months with
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the wrong person and realize you have to start all over again.
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That's a much less exciting picture to put on your vision board,
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but sometimes those things give us lessons that we can learn from.
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If your rule is that you work only while you're excited,
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ordinary difficulty starts to look like a reason to quit.
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You wonder whether you choose the wrong goal because the experience doesn't
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feel like the beginning anymore. Sometimes the goal doesn't need to change,
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but sometimes you simply reach the part that requires practice,
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daily effort, and a commitment. I think we need to become more
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comfortable with that part. You can care deeply about a project and find some of
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its tasks extremely boring. You can love your family and find certain
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responsibilities exhausting. I will tell you, laundry is one
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of those for me. It's never-ending.
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A worthwhile commitment can ask something of you on a day when you would
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prefer to do something else. Maybe you're exhausted, but you got to
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keep going. Discipline helps you act on a decision you made with care. You decide
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the work mattered, so you give it the attention you agreed to give it.
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Your mood gets acknowledged. It doesn't automatically get the deciding vote.
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Do it anyway is my vote. For example, imagine you've
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planned 20 minutes to work on a presentation. The time arrives and you would
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rather watch something on TV. You don't need to become excited about the
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presentation, you can open the file, identify the next points,
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and spend those 20 minutes improving it.
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Feeling reluctant and doing the work can happen at the same time.
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Just get started. I think that's the biggest problem is most
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people don't even want to get started. I will tell you, I have a
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child that hates to walk, but boy, as soon as I get him walking down
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a block, he's ready to go again. And he's like, okay,
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let's go around the block a few times. He's excited, but boy,
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sometimes getting him to start is half the battle or 90% of the
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battle. It doesn't mean ignoring useful information when you are
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struggling. If you're continually dreading a goal, examine it.
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Maybe the goal isn't yours. Maybe the method is wrong. Maybe you've
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committed to more than your life can support right now, and you may need to
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take some things off your plate and say no to some things. Discipline includes
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the judgment to notice those things, but one unenthusiastic
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afternoon deserves less authority than a considered decision about your
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future. This is also where motivation content can become a very comfortable
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hiding place. You can spend an evening listening to people tell you about becoming
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successful and feel as if you're working on your own success.
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I host a podcast, so I am aware of the irony.
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Please don't collect me along with 47 saved videos and then never
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use any of it that we talk about. Take an idea and test it in
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your life. If this episode helps you choose a task and
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complete it, the conversation has done something useful.
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Inspiration becomes valuable when you apply it. Otherwise, it can
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be entertainment wearing a very ambitious outfit. So enjoy
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motivation when it shows up. Use the energy
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when you're super motivated to prepare, make a decision, or get started.
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Then build a plan that will make sense when the energy settles down.
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Make habits that make sense. You deserve an approach that
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can survive a normal week. At midlife, you may have become very
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good at meeting other people's expectations. You know
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how to show up at work. You know that your children, your children need,
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you anticipate problems with your partner before they actually happen.
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Then someone asks you what you want and suddenly the woman who
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can organize or the man who can organize in other people's lives needs
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a minute to figure out what they want. Take the minute. An honest answer matters
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more than an impressive answer. Some goals are left over from other
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people. Some goals don't fit you anymore. They belong to an earlier version
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of you. Maybe you wanted a certain position because it represented security at the time.
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Maybe you wanted a particular lifestyle because you thought it would earn somebody's approval.
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Kept the goal on the list without checking whether you
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still want that life and what you have to do in order to get to
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it, and also what comes with it. Before you become more
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disciplined, choose what deserves your discipline.
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Ask yourself what having this goal would change in your
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ordinary day. Who benefits from it? What will it require?
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Would you still want to do the work if nobody could see the results for
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a while? That last question can be revealing. Being true to yourself requires
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that kind of honesty. It also requires being willing to
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to grow beyond familiar behavior. You might say, I'm just not organized.
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Fine, organization may be a skill you need to practice, or you can
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also delegate it. A description of your past doesn't have to become
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a lifetime exemption from learning. The same
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thing goes for saying, I'm not a morning person.
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You don't have to be. If your best workable hour
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is in the evening, use it. Discipline has no official wake-up
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time. There is no committee handing out medals because you
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answered emails the dark. People also have different
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amounts of control over their day. A caregiver, a single parent, and someone with paid
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support aren't starting with the same options. A serious plan
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accounts for the life you currently have. It will evolve to the one you
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can grow into, but you have to also account for what goes on on a
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daily basis for you. If your schedule is already full of essential responsibilities,
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you may need help or a different timeline. You have to understand
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that you are living within constraints that you currently have.
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Eventually it may change, but work with what you have now and do
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the best you can. Choose a commitment that belongs to you and fits with what
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you can reasonably support. You can build from there. An honest
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20 minutes is more useful than promising yourself 2 hours. You know,
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you don't have those 2 hours, so why are you making the commitment when you
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don't have 'em? And make room for the goals that won't impress strangers.
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You may want a calmer home. You may want more peace at home. You may
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want to be single for a while. You may want to take time to heal.
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That's not impressive to strangers. You may want to be more present with your children.
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You may want to finish a course because learning gives you pleasure.
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Those are legitimate ambitions, and no one else has to be impressed by them,
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but you may want it done. A meaningful second half doesn't have to look
10:17
like a public reinvention. The goal you choose at the beginning of the
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episode, do you actually want it? Or did somebody else put that
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idea in your head? If the answer is yes, keep it. If the answer is
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no, you are allowed to choose something more honest for you. You don't
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owe an old ambition the rest of your life. One thing you need to
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realize is one of the ideas as I explore in my writing is earned value.
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By that, I mean the capability to develop and the contribution
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you can make with it. What can you now build, handle, improve,
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or understand because you were willing to learn and practice? And it
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may change over your lifetime. This is separate from your worth as a
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human being. You already have that. Your dignity doesn't depend on how much you
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earn or how productive you were this week. When I talk about merit,
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I'm examining what we develop through our choices and how
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responsibly we use it. Potential is a starting
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point. You might have a natural talent for writing numbers,
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communication, or understanding people. That's useful,
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but a gift needs development. If you want to depend
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on it, you have to practice when the work is ordinary, receive feedback,
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and correct the parts that aren't working. My I have a background in technology and
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real estate. Those fields involve different types of work, but in both,
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being able to talk about a problem is only part of the job.
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You have to understand it well enough to do something useful. You have to evolve.
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You have to follow through. People need to be able to rely on your judgment.
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Think about a woman who wants to turn a skill into a small consulting business.
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At the beginning, she might be confident and persuasive,
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but she still needs to learn what clients need, what she can responsibly promise,
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and how to deliver the services. Abilities grow when she
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does the work and pays attention to what the work teaches her. If she spends
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months perfecting her logo while avoiding conversations with potential
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clients, she's just wasting time and playing busy. But the central
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question remains unanswered. Does, does someone actually need the service?
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Is there anybody out there that could use it? Can she provide it well?
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Does she have anything she needs to learn before she can do
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the— provide the service? What would make it useful enough for someone
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to pay for it? Discipline should move her towards those
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questions. Effort determines examination. Working hard
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on the wrong task can leave you tired without making any effort.
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If a method isn't producing progress, you need enough honesty
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with yourself to adjust it. Repeating something poorly with great
12:45
determination is still repeating it poorly. There's people that
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work in the same job for 10 years and they never advance because they keep
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doing the same job poorly and never think of ways they can make it more
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efficient. There's another part of the merit that matters enormous to me, and that's
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character. A person can be disciplined and still be dishonest.
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Someone can work relentlessly towards an outcome that harms
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other people. Capability by itself doesn't tell us whether a person will use
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it responsibly. The woman building that business needs to keep learning.
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She also needs to tell the truth about what she can deliver.
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She needs to honor agreements and take responsibility when something goes wrong.
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If getting the sale requires misleading somebody, the sale has come at
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a cost. She should refuse. That applies beyond business. A beautiful relationship
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requires trustworthy behavior. A peaceful home requires choices
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that support peace. A finished book needs work you can
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stand behind. The results matter, and the way you achieve it matters too.
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Discipline can increase your capability and improve your opportunities.
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It cannot guarantee that life will reward every effort
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fairly. Circumstances, resources, timing, and other people still affect
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our outcomes. What you can build is a stronger ability to respond,
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contribute, and make the next decision well. Remember that
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integrity is the promise you make to yourself.
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Integrity is also what you do when no one's watching.
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When we talk about integrity, most people think about honesty with other people.
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Do you tell the truth? Do you honor a commitment? Can people count on
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your word? Or when doing the right thing becomes inconvenient, can they still
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count on your word? Are you an honest person or do you lie repeatedly?
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Those questions matter. I also want to ask something now
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carefully and I mean, do you make promises to yourself that you don't keep?
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What are you learning about the weight of your own words? Does your integrity not
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exist with you? Because when you do this and you
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abandon yourself, you abandon who you are as a person.
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Integrity is just as important with yourself as it is with other people.
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And you will find that the people that can't keep their word to themselves definitely
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can't keep their words to other people. I'm not talking about one missed task.
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Life interrupts us. I'm talking about a repeated pattern of promises
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for the feeling they give us without doing the practical work of deciding how
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to keep them. At some point, that pattern deserves an honest look. Are you never
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keeping your promises to yourself? Do you have a way of always sabotaging
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yourself? Do you say you're gonna stop drinking and then go on a bender?
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Do you say you're gonna stop eating sugar and then go to a donut
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shop? Those are things that are— you're not keeping your word. Do you say you're
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gonna try to make more money and then never actually attempt it? Do you say
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you're gonna be faithful in your relationship and never show up faithfully? I have a
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small example of why ordinary choices matter to me. Once,
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after leaving a store, we realized there was an item under my purse
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that hadn't been paid for. We went back and paid for it. It was a
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little thing, but it's something I needed to teach my children. Nobody was
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chasing us through the parking lot. It was an oops. The item was small,
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but honestly, it was still relevant. When the amount was small and nobody
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was watching us, it still matters because the little choices you make
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with your integrity matter. That's the part I want my children to understand.
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Every single time you override your own integrity or your own word to
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yourself, you're chipping away at your own self-esteem,
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your own self-worth. You're making yourself more insecure.
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Why are you doing this to you? Principles need to show us
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in ordinary decisions. We shouldn't need an audience before we start behaving
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like the people we say we are. That's what integrity is
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all about. Now, forgetting a personal task isn't equivalent to stealing.
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Different choices carry different consequences, but both
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kinds of situations invite a useful question: Does my behavior reflect
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what I say matters? If there's a gap, what am I going to about it.
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If you say family matters but yet you don't spend any time with your family,
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there's a huge gap. If you say it's important to you to make money and
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you never go to the office, there's a huge gap. And if you say you
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want to get in shape but you never work out, you got a gap.
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Start by making a promise that deserves to be believed. I'm completely
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changing my life on Monday is a dramatic announcement. On Monday
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after dinner, I'll spend 20 minutes on my application gives you something
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you can actually honor. And I want you to know, if you can break it
17:06
into smaller tasks, you're more likely to get it done. Specific commitments also
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expose conflicts before they become excuses. If Monday evening is already full, you can
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choose another time. If you need information to complete the application, you can
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gather it first. A clear promise gives you a chance to
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prepare, but you have to prepare and you have to get it done when you
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say you're going to do it. If you keep telling your spouse that you're going
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to pick her up at 5 o'clock for dinner, and every time you show up
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it's 6 o'clock, you're having a gap or a disconnect. Your word is not trustworthy
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anymore. Keeping your word also requires being careful with the word yes.
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If you agree to everything because disappointing someone else feels
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uncomfortable, you eventually create promises that compete with each other.
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Then somebody gets disappointed. Anyway, you're exhausted. Check your
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capacity before offering it. Sometimes circumstances change and
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a commitment needs to change with them. Handle that openly.
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If another person is involved, communicate and repair what you can.
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If the commitment was to yourself, acknowledge what happened and
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Choose a realistic next step. Don't just ignore it. You can revise an unworkable agreement
18:11
without pretending it never existed. And that's what some people do.
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They keep undermining their own integrity to themselves, and then they realize they
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don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. And you can leave a harmful situation.
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Integrity never requires you to preserve a promise that depends on accepting
18:27
mistreatment. If you are in a marriage and it's abusive, it may
18:31
be time for you to get out. You should not be accepting mistreatment.
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Being honest about what has changed is part of acting responsibly.
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The aim is to become someone whose commitments have
18:43
substance. You think before you promise.
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You act on what you decide. When you fall short,
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you take responsibility and return to the work. Over time, you have more
18:53
reason to trust yourself because you've seen yourself follow through. A dream
18:56
gives you a direction, and it gives you a direction to act on. If you
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need to know what the next piece of work looks like, I want a different
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life is not a dream. It might be sincere, but it doesn't tell you what
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to do after you're finished listening to this episode.
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Choose an outcome you could reasonably work towards over the
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next 90 days. 90 days is great. That period is simply a planning window,
19:18
but you can accomplish so much in 90 days. It gives you enough
19:21
time to practice and clear points to review. You might want to complete a
19:25
draft, finish a course, or test whether people are interested in a service you
19:29
could offer. In 90 days, you could transform your body. Then decide what
19:33
evidence would show progress. If you're learning something new, it could be assignments
19:38
and the ability to demonstrate the skill. If you're exploring a business, it might
19:42
be useful conversations and feedback about clearly describing, describing your offer.
19:46
It may be getting a certain number of clients in a certain amount of time.
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Be careful about choosing only an outcome that other people control though.
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You can prepare well for an interview and still not get the job. You can
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improve your skills and still not be able to land the client. Even though
20:01
you submit the application, you may not get into that university. You can't
20:05
promise yourself that a particular employer will choose you. Build your commitments around
20:09
actions you can carry out, then use the responses to guide
20:13
your next decision. So if you don't get what you needed, either you're gonna
20:17
keep doing it and trying to find a different way in, or you're gonna look
20:20
elsewhere to a new path. Let me make this concrete. Imagine a woman who
20:24
was talking about writing a book for years. She has decided in her phone,
20:28
a collection of notes and a title she loves. What she needs now
20:31
is a draft. She decides that over the next 90 days, she will complete a
20:35
first version of 4 chapters. She checks her actual calendar and
20:38
finds 3 half-hour sessions each week will help her get there.
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Before the first session, she chooses the next section to work on.
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When the time arrives, she opens that section and writes it. At the end,
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she leaves herself a short note about where to begin next time.
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Now she has something she can repeat and evaluate.
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4 chapters may turn out to be too much or too
20:59
little for those hours. That's information. She can adjust
21:04
the scope after she sees how the work has gone. She may need to increase
21:06
the amount of time. The point is, is that the dream now has tasks
21:10
and time attached to it, and you're gonna have to learn and adjust.
21:13
It's not concrete. You may think you're gonna lose 30 pounds in
21:17
a month and find out you only lose 10, but you still lost 10.
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But now you have information, and now you can shoot for something similar
21:25
next month and see how it goes. Or maybe you need to adjust your food
21:28
intake or your exercise capacity. You also need to decide
21:32
what you'll do less of to make room for it. Perhaps one evening of television
21:36
gets shorter. Perhaps you decline an optional commitment.
21:39
Perhaps Perhaps you go inward and don't leave the house very much.
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Perhaps you ask someone to share responsibility you've been carrying alone.
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The time has to come from somewhere, and pretending
21:50
otherwise creates a plan that fails before it starts.
21:55
At the same time, don't finance every ambition with your sleep
21:58
or your closest relationship. That cost belongs in the decision.
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You want a goal you can pursue while continuing to care for the life around
22:06
it. Once the goal is on the calendar, identify the first visible action.
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Open the document, Write the email, gather the course requirements,
22:14
make it specific enough that you won't spend the whole session deciding
22:17
what to do. Give yourself a starting point you can recognize
22:21
and then use it. This is where habits become useful.
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Discipline helps you honor the decision. Repetition gives that decision a regular
22:29
place in your life. A habit can make starting more familiar
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so you're not reopening the entire debate every single time because you
22:36
know this is just what you do. If going to the gym is part of
22:40
your lifestyle, go to the gym at the same time every single day if you
22:43
can, Or make it a habit that you know every single day what time your
22:47
gym time will be. You don't need a complicated routine. You need a clear
22:50
occasion for the behavior. I'll work on it when I have time
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is not a good decision. It leaves the decision floating around all day
22:58
and then you never get to it. After I clear the dinner dishes, I'll sit
23:02
at the table and review my notes gives you a recognizable moment to begin.
23:06
Choose a cue that already happened in your life. It could be arriving home,
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finishing lunch, or putting your children to bed. The cue needs to
23:13
be reliable enough to be useful. If your evenings are
23:17
unpredictable, choose a different arrangement. Do it in the morning. The plan should respond
23:21
to your reality. Then prepare the setting. Put the material
23:25
where you will use it. Leave the documents easy to find. If your phone keeps
23:29
interrupting you, move it out of reach during the work period.
23:33
You can care about the world and still let it operate without your commentary
23:37
for 20 minutes. Preparation removes avoidable obstacles.
23:41
If you need to spend 15 minutes finding a password before you can begin a
23:44
20-minute task, there's a problem. Starting becomes unnecessarily annoying.
23:49
Handle the details ahead of time. Make sure you're ready to go when you actually
23:51
get to the 20 minutes or 30 minutes you're going to spend. Make the important
23:54
action easier to reach that distraction. It also helps
23:58
to decide what a smaller version of the commitment would look like on a disrupted
24:03
day. For example, writing, perhaps the normal session is 30 minutes and the smaller
24:07
version is 10. That's a practical option for a day. When your available time shrinks,
24:11
the smaller version should still serve the goal. Opening your laptop
24:15
and immediately closing It may preserve a check mark, but it doesn't do
24:19
much for the manuscript that you're writing. Choose a small action that
24:24
produces something useful. For instance, when you're trying to lose weight,
24:27
taking a walk after every meal is very beneficial. And if
24:31
your circumstances call for rest, take a rest. You don't need to invent a task
24:35
to prove you still care. You just need to work through it on a daily
24:38
basis. Keep a simple record of what you did. A mark on the calendar
24:42
or one sentence in a notebook is enough. You might write,
24:45
revised the opening, or completed lesson 2,
24:48
or went for a walk or lost a pound. That record lets
24:52
you see whether the routine is happening and whether the work is moving forward.
24:56
Don't turn the record into another project.
24:59
Don't make some annoying task list that has 5
25:03
different categories you have to file off. You can spend so much time designing
25:08
the perfect tracker that you run out of time doing the things you were tracking.
25:12
Some of us can make procrastination look remarkably
25:15
professional and like busywork. Give a habit enough repetition
25:19
to it without demanding that it become effortless by a particular
25:24
date. Different behaviors ask different things of us. Some tasks
25:28
will continue to require concentration. The goal is to— is a routine you can
25:31
use even when parts of the work remain challenging.
25:35
For the goal you've been holding in mind, choose the occasion, the action,
25:39
and the preparation it needs. Keep that arrangement simple. Keep it simple
25:43
enough that you could explain it in one sentence. You want to spend your energy
25:46
doing the work once the time is available. Next time,
25:50
we're going to talk a little bit more about the goals and the discipline and
25:54
how to protect your time. But I want you to realize that your
25:57
discipline matters and how you spend your time matters.
26:01
You also need to say no to things. Maybe you need to delete that app
26:05
of social media that you spend too much time on during the day. Maybe you
26:08
need to cut out TV time altogether. Choose goals that inspire
26:12
you, dreams that will make you feel like you're accomplishing something
26:16
in life, because that is what life is about. Life is meant to be lived.
26:19
Lived. It is not just to be passed through on a daily basis.
26:23
It should be something significant. And I hope that for all of you.
26:26
I hope that you can find your dream, your passion, and make your life as
26:30
significant as you want it. This is Diva Mia. I hope you have a wonderful
26:34
day. Love people and take care of yourself.
26:44
From you. Visit thedivadetails.com to connect.
26:49
See you next week for more.
26:55
Diva Details podcast and website are intended solely for informational and entertainment purposes. The content
26:58
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27:02
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27:17
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27:22
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