Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep14: Comedy Calories with Jim 🤣

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S2 Ep14: Comedy Calories with Jim 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_05: Oh my gosh, you make me feel only 20 pounds overweight.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, look at his beard.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_05: He's he's got quite a beard.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_05: He looks like an out-of-shape Civil War general.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_05: My dearest Peggy.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_05: It has been a fortnight since I've had a salad.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_05: I love my beard.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_05: You grow a beard, and strangers are fascinated.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_05: I have strangers come to me.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, why'd you grow your beard out?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_05: I joined Al-Qaeda.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_05: Don't even joke around about that.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_05: But you can ask about facial hair, right?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_05: You can't be like, hey, how long you had the man boobs?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_05: Are they natural?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_05: Now you're looking at my man boobs.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_05: To me, they're beautiful.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_05: When do I get a dove commercial?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_05: I'm talking about the dove ice cream bar.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_05: Which barely cleans your body and is less racist.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you for coming out.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_05: It is great to be here.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you so much.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_05: It is.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_05: It's been a crazy year for me.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_05: Crazy year.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know if you know, in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_05: I'm not even making this up.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_05: It was removed.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_05: She's great.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_05: Everything's good.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't remove it.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_05: I was in the other room soiling myself, but the tumor is gone, along with my ability to ever win another argument.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_05: It's not like I was winning a lot before, but now I'm retired.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_05: And luckily, my wife's not the type to bring it up.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_05: Well, once she did, she was like, you know, I did have brain surgery, and I couldn't be like, yeah, that was like a month ago.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_05: It's time to move on, you know?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_05: What about my seasonal allergies?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_05: We all have our cross to bear.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_05: It was crazy.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_05: You know, the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pear, which is scary but also confusing.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_05: I was like, did he go to med school or a farmer's market?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_05: But tumors are often compared to fruit.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_05: A pear, a lemon, a grapefruit.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_05: Interesting fact, worst tumor, grapefruit.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_05: Worst fruit, grapefruit.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_05: When you think about it, grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I almost feel sorry for grapefruit.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we can't win.
• 2:48
  unknown: Yeah.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: We're already the worst fruit.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're compared to the worst tumor?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Well, at least we help old people poop.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_05: That is the worst impression of a grapefruit ever.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_05: It's kind of unfortunate that there's another fruit that's much smaller named grape.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_05: Because you know there's situations in doctors' offices, we found a tumor, it's the size of a grape.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_05: Thank God I didn't finish.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_05: Grapefruit.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, that's that's very different.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_05: It's strange.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_05: You know, when the doctor told me the tumor was the size of a pear, I thought, wow, I guess doctors are bad at analogies.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_05: But I quickly realized they're just dumbing it down for idiots like me.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_05: Like the surgeon looked at me and thought, well, this guy's not gonna understand centimeters.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_05: I don't even want to try and explain circumference.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_05: Based on appearance, he doesn't eat fruit, but he's probably seen a pear when he's at the grocery store buying ice cream.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know why the surgeon sounds like Andy Rooney.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_05: Ever noticed tumors look like fruit.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_05: By the way, if you don't know who Andy Rooney is, you're a child.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_05: And if you do know who Andy Rooney is, you should probably eat more grapefruit.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_05: Tumors compared to fruit, they're there sometimes they're compared to balls, like a golf ball or a softball.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_05: But the surgeon looked at me and thought, I'm gonna stick with food.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_05: I got a better shot of this fat ass understanding.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_05: I joke around, but it was scary.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_05: We have five children, and there were moments when I was like, oh my gosh, if anything happens to my wife, those five kids are gonna be put up for adoption.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_05: Some of these jokes are just for the fathers.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_05: My wife was so amazingly strong and brave during this whole experience.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_05: For three months after the surgery, she couldn't eat solid foods.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_05: And our friends would send us the most delicious food she couldn't eat.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_05: So I found myself hiding the food and secretly eating it.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_05: It's like a whole new eating disorder for me.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_05: Am I supposed to feel shame?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_04: Because I'm helping my wife!
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_05: Really, I'm a hero.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_05: She mostly ate jello.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_05: Jell O, you know what they make jello out of?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_05: Bones and hooves.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_05: I always thought that was an urban legend.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_05: Bones and hooves.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_05: What kind of madman?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_05: Let me have the bones and hooves.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_05: I've got an idea for a kid's dessert.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_05: It'll be huge.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_05: We'll get Cosby to do the commercials.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_05: Everyone trust him.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_05: Anyone using the eyeballs, I can make an abacus.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_05: I've got tons of ideas.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_05: My wife had a she had an amazing team of doctors.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_05: She had the brain surgeon.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_05: She also had an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_05: Ear nose and throat, that kind of sounds like they didn't make the cut for brain surgeon.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_05: I want to be a brain surgeon.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_05: You know what?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_05: Let's stick with the ears, nose, and throat.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_05: You'd be better with the things surrounding the brain.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_05: Can I have the eyes?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_05: You know what?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_05: Let's stick with the ears, nose, and throat.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_05: We promised the eyes to the nerd at lens crafters.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_05: Why pick on optometrist?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_05: Those ear, nose, and throat doctors, they must look at dentists and think, just teeth?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_05: That's it.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_05: What about the tongue?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_05: Not the tongue, just the teeth.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_05: You just work on teeth, surgery on teeth?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, I don't do the surgery.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_05: That's the orthodontist.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_05: I mostly scrape stuff off of teeth.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_05: While I listen to 80s music.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_05: I love Debbie Gibson.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_05: When you think about it, dentists, they don't do the surgery.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_05: They don't even clean the teeth.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_05: They're like, you guys do everything, and then I'll come in and jab them with a sharp object.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_05: Well, I listen to Debbie.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_05: I did figure out what type of doctor I would want to be, which is an anesthesiologist.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_05: Because just once I'd like to walk in a room and go, hi, I'm Dr.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_05: Gaffigan.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_05: I'm going to give you some drugs so you can't talk or move.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_05: And one of these strangers is going to cut you open.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_05: Good luck.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_05: What draws someone to anesthesiology?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_05: It's like, I like medicine, but I really enjoy getting people high.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_05: If I could combine the two.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_05: I also prefer to sit during surgery.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_05: You ever see the anesthesiologist during surgery?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_05: They're always sitting there like, I don't even know why I have to be here.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, they're still alive.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_05: Anyone got the Wi-Fi password?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_05: But I have a newfound respect for doctors.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_05: I do.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_05: Because when you think about it, unless we're sick, we listen to absolutely nothing doctors tell us.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you should lose weight.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_05: Never gonna happen.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_05: What else you got?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: You should exercise.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_05: Does eating French fries count?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_05: Get out of my office.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_05: I don't even listen when I bring my kids to the doctor.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: The doctor's like, to avoid an infection, I'm like, My wife's like, What'd the doctor say?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_05: Don't pick the scab.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_05: I don't listen to nerds.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_05: That was the only time I would ever see a doctor, is when I bring my kids in.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_05: Sometimes I'd try and horn in on a pediatric appointment.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_05: The doctor would be like, How's little Mikey doing?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_05: Mikey's good, he's good.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_05: He's a little worried about this mole I have on my arm.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, I explained to Mikey that I've always had the mole, but Mikey thinks it might have changed colors.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_05: Jim, would you like to make an appointment?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_05: No, it's Mikey, he just needs a thumbs up or a thumbs down on the mole.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_05: I know Mikey doesn't want to play the Hippocratic Oath card, but you have to tell us, don't you?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_05: I'm mostly healthy.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_05: I uh worked out today.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_05: I know I don't need to.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_05: When I'm home in New York City, I work out at the Chinatown YMCA, and I realize when people hear the Chinatown YMCA, they think, oh, that's not like a serious place to work out.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_05: And it's not.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_05: It's not at all.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_05: It's mostly little kids learning how to swim and really old Chinese people with their parents.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't even know you could live to that age.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_05: But I tell you, watching a 90-year-old on an elliptical really inspires me to die in my 70s.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_05: It looks like a machine is eating someone's grandma.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_05: I'm ignored at my Y.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_05: I'm ignored at all health clubs.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_05: Like when I walk into a fitness area, even in a hotel, people always look at me like, I didn't know they serve food here.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_05: The only people that approach me are personal trainers.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_05: They're like, You looking for a personal trainer?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_05: Uh no.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_05: You should be.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_05: So I've gotten to the point if I'm approached by a personal trainer, I just act like they're hitting on me.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, hey, how are you doing?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_05: I'm married.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_05: I don't think you understand.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_05: I understand perfectly.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_05: You want to get with me, but I'm taken, so you can look, but no touchy.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_05: I got to do some international shows this year.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_05: I performed in Japan for the first time, which was amazing.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, I wasn't in Japan just for stand-up, I was also modeling.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_05: I wish that wasn't that funny.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_05: But Japan, the Japanese are just they're they're better at being human.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_05: Can we admit that?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_05: They're you know, they're more polite, they're better at design.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_05: The Japanese toilet.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_05: Are you familiar with the Japanese toilet?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_05: The Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_05: The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_05: And that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_05: You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_05: You leave an American public restroom with PTSD.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_05: Your only thought is, how can I forget that experience?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_05: Is there alcohol nearby?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_05: The entire time I was in Japan, I felt overweight, probably because I am overweight.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_05: But generally the Japanese are thin.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, there are people that are overweight in Japan, but not like in America.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_05: We're better at not being thin.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_05: Because if you get really fat in Japan, they make you sumo wrestle.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: They make their fat people fight each other to entertain the thin people.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_02: And the fat people in Japan go along with it.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_05: Why am I doing this?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_05: It's prestigious.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_05: Now you try and push that other fat ass out of the circle.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_05: We try not to giggle.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_05: But first, throw in this giant diaper and put your hair in the butt.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_05: It's very dignified.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_05: Japanese are quiet and polite.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_05: They're like the opposite of my children.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_05: I had my kids with me, and they were always making loud noises.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_05: Occasionally I would catch a Japanese person looking at my poorly behaved kids, and then they would look at me, and I'd always say the same thing.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_05: We're Canadian! Of course, we're not Canadian, but that is what some Americans do when they travel internationally.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_05: They tell people they're Canadian, which I think is cowardly.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_05: That's why I always tell people I'm North Korean.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_05: Then I get the respect I deserve! How much attention does the country of North Korea need at this point?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_04: Every two days, North Korea's like, we're gonna blow up the world.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_05: Isn't there a part of you that's like, I think just do it?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_05: Like the UK is not that different from the US.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_05: You know, if anything, you go over there and it seems like British people are trying to be different from Americans.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_05: They're like, oh, you drive on the right side of the road, then we're gonna drive on the left side of the road.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, you call your mother mom, then we're gonna call ours mom.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you call that a cookie, then we're not going to the dentist.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's true.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_05: I did notice something when I was over there.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_05: You know, British people, they don't say the before hospital.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_05: You ever notice that?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_05: They're like, hospital?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_05: I was feeling knockered, so I went to hospital.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_05: Whenever they would do that, I'd say, Stop that, that's wrong and weird.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_05: Are you trying to sound like a polite caveman?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_05: And I had a friend from London, he was like, What makes you think you're doing it properly?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_05: And I go, because I'm American and we invented the English language.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_05: It was a pet peeve of mine, so I did some research.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_05: You know why British people don't say the before hospital?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_05: Because they're dicks.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_05: I know that sounds harsh, but admit it, British people always talk to Americans like we just walked into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: May I help you?
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Are you lost?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_05: Obviously, I love the Brits, and I would never do those jokes there.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_05: I have been lucky enough to perform in the UK a couple times, and one time I was walking through Piccadilly Circus, which for the record is a horrible circus.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_05: There's no animals.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_05: No, I was walking through Piccadilly Circus and I saw they had an MM store, and I looked at that MM store, and it just made me think of all the things the British have given the Americans.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_05: Like our language, Shakespeare, the Magna Carta, and I looked at the MM store and I thought, now we're even.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_05: When I looked at the MM store, I wasn't even embarrassed to be American.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_05: I was ashamed to be human.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_05: Because has anyone at any point in their life thought, when are they gonna open an MM store?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_05: Sure, I can buy MMs absolutely anywhere, but I like to buy in bulk.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: In a pro M environment.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_05: Obviously, we don't need an MM store.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_05: We don't even need different colored MMs.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_05: They all taste the same.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_05: They're just bits of chocolate shaped like Advil.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_05: With an M on it.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_05: They're not even MMs, they're M's.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_05: We don't do that with anything else.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_05: You want some raisin and raisins?
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_05: Go ahead.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_05: Grab a handful of raisin and raisins.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_05: I was recently given a gift certificate for a massage, which I will never use.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_05: Because I am not one of the real housewives of Beverly Hills.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_05: I've gotten a massage before, but I just I find it hard to justify a massage.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_05: Like, you know what, you know what I deserve?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_05: To have some someone I don't know rub my body.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_05: Let's make that happen, people.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_05: Because massages are always from strangers.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_05: We get massages from strangers because we can't count on the people who love us to touch us.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_05: Right?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, it could be your best friend.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_05: You see that guy, take a bullet for him.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_05: I'm not giving him a massage, I'm no queen.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_05: My wife, the woman I love, the mother of my children.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_05: Here's my massage.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_05: You good?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_05: That's my hands cramping.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_05: So we pay total strangers.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, I know nothing about you.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_05: Why don't I take off my clothes and climb on this padded dining room table?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_05: And you can do whatever you want.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_05: We know nothing about these people.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_05: I don't even ask if they're a masseuse.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_05: Well, you're dressed like an orderly in a mental ward.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_05: Why don't I get in the most vulnerable position I can think of?
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_05: How about face down on the donut pillow?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_05: Does that work for you?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_05: Because then I can look at your feet and imagine you're grabbing knives.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_05: What do we really know about massage therapists?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_05: They like to rub strangers for money while they listen to the avatar soundtrack.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_02: That's a red flag.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_05: Those are the traits of a serial killer.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_05: I never know what to say during a massage.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_05: Sometimes I'll try and break the ice and be like, hey, you're not allergic to leprosy, are you?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_05: They never laugh because they're busy imagining making a suit out of my skin.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_05: Because they're murderers.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_05: They already put the lotion in the basket.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_05: I don't even know what type of massage I'm getting when I get a massage.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_05: Do you want a deep tissueish Yatsu or a Swedish massage?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_05: I'm like, I'll take the blonde.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_05: Because men view massages differently.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_05: A woman gets a massage, her friends are like, good for you.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_05: A guy gets a massage, you dirty dog! Because men sexualize all human interaction.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_05: It was a therapeutic massage.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_05: How therapeutic?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing happened.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's what we'll tell your wife, huh?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_05: That's gotta be frustrating for massage therapists.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_05: That double meaning.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_05: Did you get a massage or a massage?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_05: No other occupation has to do with it.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_05: Did you get a cavity filled or a cavity filled?
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_05: In Finland, I was invited to take a sauna.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_05: I was also invited to go cross-country skiing, and all I could think is, is fun illegal here?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_05: What kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_05: I can't believe cross-country skiing's even a sport.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, you know that awkward part in downhill skiing where you're trying to get over to the lift?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_05: What if we just did that?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_05: This is fine.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_05: And then turn around, you know what?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_05: Don't turn around.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_05: Let's go across the country.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_05: People who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_05: Right?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_05: Some of those winter activities should get you committed.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_05: It's like, look, we love you, we're just worried.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_05: This morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_05: What's next?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_05: You sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_05: Get some help.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, I did one of those genetic tests.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_05: I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_05: You do learn things from those genetic tests.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_05: Like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_05: They send you information.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_05: Mine just said, dude, you're white.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_05: In fact, you're very white.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_05: I hope you feel guilty.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_05: They didn't even break out my nationality.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_05: They just highlighted all the British Isles.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_05: They're like, you're trash from here.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_05: Wherever people need sunscreen.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_05: But what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: Like, oh my gosh, I'm related to my ancestors.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_05: We're only gonna find out bad news.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_05: You see it in the commercials.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_05: I thought I was Italian, but it ends out my great grandma was a whore.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_05: So I guess I'm Eastern European.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_05: Sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_05: I am.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_05: My point is, only good family news is passed along.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_05: Like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln, you'd already know that.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_05: But if your great-grandfather was the town drunk, your grandpa's likely to go, uh, I don't remember.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_05: I think he worked in a bar.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_05: Chief gutter inspector.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_05: I do know I have some Irish ancestry, but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records, because, well, draw your own conclusion.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_05: Some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_05: I'm Irish, but I have blonde hair.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_05: Supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded, pillaged, and probably other stuff.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_05: Those Vikings, the Scandinavians, I don't know if you've been to Sweden, it's like a whole country of Scarlet Johansons.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_05: If I was in Ireland at that time, I would have been, oh no, some Viking lady's coming to pillage me.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_05: I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_05: Hopefully she can help me put together that table.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_05: They say last names can tell you something.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_05: Like if your last name is Cooper, that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_05: If your last name is Cantor, that means somebody along the line was a singer.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_05: My last name is Gaffigan, which is Gaelic for highly anxious.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_05: And when I learned that, all I could feel was highly anxious.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_05: How anxious do you have to be?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_05: For people like, oh, you should go with that as your name.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_05: What's that?
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_05: That's what we call you anyway.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_05: It does seem like some last names were chosen to impress, right?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_05: You know, someone's like, you know what?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_05: I want the ladies to know I'm successful, so I'm gonna go with a last name, Goldman.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_05: Goldman.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_05: What are you going with?
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_05: Wiener.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_05: I want the ladies to know I like hot dogs.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_05: But who knows, maybe last names mean nothing.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_05: You know, where I'm from in Indiana, there is a guy who owns an RV dealership, and his name is Tom Raper.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_05: That's his name.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_05: And there are billboards.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_05: Come see Tom Raper.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_05: And people go.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_05: Well, we should check it out.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_05: Now, I don't know why we would let someone named Raper sell RVs.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_05: They are essentially mobile crime scenes.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_05: If my last name were raper, I wouldn't leave the house.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_05: How do you even go out to dinner?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_05: Party of two, rapers.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_05: Is there a raper here?
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_05: Are there family reunions?
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_05: Are you a raper?
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_05: I'm a raper.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_05: Is this your son?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_05: He looks just like a raper.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_05: Fun getting all the rapers together.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_05: In Milwaukee, I stayed in a hotel named the Fister.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_05: That was the name, The Pfister.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_05: And obviously they were sensitive to it sounding weird, so they added a P at the front, so it was the Po Pfister.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, it worked for Michelle Puff Pfeiffer.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_05: And that hotel was started by a man named Guido Pister.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_05: I thought, my name's Guido Pister.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_05: Why don't I go into hospitality?
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_05: Guido Pfister?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_05: His name sounds like an ethnic slur.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_04: Get out of here, you Guido Fister! Go fish somewhere else.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_05: In Milwaukee, I stayed in a hotel named The Pfister.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_05: How was the name, The Pfister?
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_05: And obviously they were sensitive to it sounding weird, so they added a P at the front, so it was the Puffister.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, it worked for Michelle Puff Pfeiffer.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_05: And that hotel was started by a man named Guido Pfister.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_05: I thought, my name's Guido Pister.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_05: Why don't I go into hospitality?
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_05: Guido Pfister?
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_05: His name sounds like an ethnic slur.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_04: Get out of here, you Guido Fister! Go fist somewhere else!
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but I'm kind of obsessed with not being interested in fashion.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_05: It's uh something I care deeply not about.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_05: And I'm aware that not being into fashion is a fashion choice, right?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_05: How annoying is that?
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_05: It's like, oh, you're not into fashion, that means you're in an arm core.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_05: Why can't I just wear clothes to cover my disgusting body?
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_05: Why must it be a choice?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_05: Because the only choice I make when it comes to clothing is does it still fit me?
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know if you've had an opportunity to fat out of clothes.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_05: That's a special feeling.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_05: There are watershed moments in your life, right?
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_05: When you hold your newborn child or you fat out of a t-shirt.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_05: It's amazing, because you don't even go to the obvious conclusion.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_05: You're like, well, this sure used to fit.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_05: I haven't grown since I was a teenager.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I'm a fat ass.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_05: Well, time for a burrito.
• 27:42
  unknown: I don't know.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_05: The best is when you pack for a trip and you fat out of clothes, but you don't realize until you get there.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_05: You sit there and you go, well, I guess I could wear that as long as I don't breathe out.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_05: Or sit down.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_05: You ever wear a shirt you can't sit down in?
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, you know what?
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna stand.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_05: I know it's Thanksgiving.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_05: I'm more thankful standing.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_05: Better angle for carving.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_05: I still have all the clothes that don't fit me.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_05: They're in my closet in case I have a dramatic weight loss over a weekend.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_05: It's ridiculous.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_05: It's like I'm curating an exhibit of my weight gain.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_05: Well, that suit was from 30 pounds ago, and that sweater was from last winter, and this shirt, this shirt never fit.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_05: Have you done that?
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_05: Have you bought clothes that don't fit, thinking that'll be the incentive to lose weight?
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_05: It's like, well, I've only gained weight for the last 40 years.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_05: Maybe this shirt'll turn it around.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_05: How'd you lose weight?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_05: I bought a shirt.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: It worked.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_05: No, fashion's kind of wasted on me.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_05: You know, like those fashion shows.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_05: To me, fashion shows just look like skinny teenagers walking around in their parents' clothes looking for food.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_05: There's no thought out there.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_05: All right, I'll change my outfit and look again.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_05: Fashion shows are rather absurd when you consider they're just people sitting around watching people walk around in clothes.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_05: Which is what people do in clothes every day.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_05: But at fashion shows, they're so fascinated, they're like, oh my gosh.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, wow.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_05: Look at that person walking close.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_02: How do they do it?
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_05: If only we could watch them do laundry.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_05: In December, they televise the Victoria's Secret fashion show, which is excellent, by the way.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_05: Well, that one's different because there's angels, so there's a spiritual aspect to the thongs they're peddling.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_05: It's interesting.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_05: All the models are beautiful.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_05: You ever notice that?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_05: You're like, yeah, Jim, that's the point.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_05: No, but all the models, they pick people that would look good in any clothing.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_05: Like, if you want me to buy a suit, show me Michael Moore looking good in it.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_05: And I'm not picking on Michael Moore.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_05: I'm friends with him.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_05: I like Michael Moore.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_05: And not just because he proves you don't need to shower to be famous.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_05: You ever see Michael Moore on television?
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_02: He looks like he's been robbed of everything he owns.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_02: Are you the victim of a shipwreck?
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_02: What happened?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_02: Pull it together.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_02: You won an Academy Award.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_02: Stop shopping at the lost and found!
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_05: But I understand Michael Moore's mentality.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_05: Fashion's not gonna change his life.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_05: It's not gonna change my life.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_05: I look the same whether I'm wearing a t-shirt or a tux.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_05: I still look like someone who eats fast food.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_05: Probably because I do eat fast food.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_05: I look the way I look.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_05: Look, I didn't vote for Trump, but I walked around New York City and everyone the week after the election looked at me like, you did it.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_05: You did it! I was like, I didn't do it.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_05: But after a couple days, I was like, did I do it?
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_05: I know people are scared about Trump being president, but I can tell you, as a straight white male, I feel like I'll be okay.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_05: My wife hates that joke.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_05: And I love her, but not enough to get rid of that joke.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_05: I would do anything for my wife.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_05: I'm aware of that, but there are people that are more romantic.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_05: Prince Edward abdicated his right to the English throne for the woman he loved.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_05: Isn't that unbelievable?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_05: He was forced to choose between the woman he loved or being king of England, and that idiot chose the broad.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_05: Now I'm sure in that moment it was the right decision, and I'm happily married, but even in the best relationship, each person has thoughts where they go, I've made an enormous mistake.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_05: But we never thought I could have been King of England.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_05: Do you think Prince Edward really ever got over that?
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_03: Every time he had to empty the trash, he's like, the king of England doesn't have to empty trash.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_03: The king of England can chat with his ex on Facebook.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_05: Can you imagine what kind of news event that abdication was in the UK?
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_05: They must have been, he's gone mad.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_05: We should get him to hospital.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_05: Jim, your British accent is getting worse.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_05: Why wouldn't you take five minutes and learn a good accent?
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_05: It's just lazy.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_05: It's just lazy.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_05: My wife's pretty amazing.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_05: She is better at things, and I'm not ashamed to say that.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_05: Like her guilt trip, legendary.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_05: My wife is half Catholic, half Jewish, so her guilt trip is like a superpower.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_05: I walk in a room, she looks at me, and I feel horrible.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_05: And that's called love.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_05: We've been together so long, I will get angry about a guilt trip she hasn't even given me yet.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_05: I'll be like, I'm gonna watch the football game.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, okay, and I'm like, because I want to!
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_05: I'm always in trouble with my wife because I'm selfish, I'm lazy, insensitive, a bunch of other stuff she rattles on.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_05: And I understand being in trouble for stuff I've done, but sometimes I get in trouble for stuff other men have done.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_05: Once I got in trouble for something a guy did in a movie.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_05: I was watching a movie with my wife, and in the movie there was this married guy with children who left his family for a 20-year-old woman.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_05: And I knew in that moment I should sleep on the couch.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_05: And the movie ended, and my wife looked at me and she was like, Why would someone do that?
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_05: And I was like, uh, it was in the script.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't say that, I just said, Where do you want me to sleep?
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_05: I hope it doesn't sound like I'm picking on her, because I'm grateful to have her in my life.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_05: It's nice to have a partner, someone looking out for you, you look out for them.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_05: Like I did two weeks of shows out of town in December, and when I came home, my wife informed me that she made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_05: If you're unfamiliar, that's the doctor that sticks the camera up your butt.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, they do other things, but that's what they're famous for.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_05: That's probably how they attract people to the field.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_05: You like photography?
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_04: I got a job you're gonna love.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't ask my wife to set up this appointment.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_05: I wasn't sick, I didn't have any symptoms.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_05: She just did it because she was looking out for me.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_05: So she casually brought it up.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_05: She goes, just so you know, I made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_05: And I said, just so you know, I won't be going.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_05: She's like, Why wouldn't you go?
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_05: It's just a consultation.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_05: I said, Well, it's the principal.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_05: I'm an adult, I make my own decisions.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_05: Anyway, so I'm at the gastroenterologist.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_05: The doctor starts to describe the procedure, and I said, Look, I should probably let you know I don't really enjoy getting my picture taken.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_05: I would be open to an ultrasound.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_05: I think a lot of men are curious what the jelly on the belly feels like.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_05: Anyway, the doctor, he didn't think it was funny.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_05: And I knew it was precautionary, so I agreed.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_05: So he went over to his computer and he goes, All right, my next available appointment is in three months.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_05: And I was like, Three months?
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_05: This was in December.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't know if I wanted this procedure hanging over my head during the holidays.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_05: Jim, you want another piece of pie?
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_05: No, I'm getting a camera up my butt.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_05: I don't want some team of doctors to be like, wow, this guy loves pie.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_05: Mary, get out here.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_05: He's got a half a pie up there.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't know what could delay this important procedure.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_05: But part of me didn't want to find out.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't want the doctor to be like, well, the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_05: Turnover in that position's insane.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_05: You know, people do it once and they're like, you know what, I'm going back on food stamps.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_05: And then I was thinking, maybe it's the doctor.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_05: Maybe he's like, dude, I can only do this procedure once a month.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_05: Then I gotta take a week off, sit on the beach, and ask myself why I keep sticking cameras on people's baths.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_02: I could have been a dentist.