Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Mentor Without Creating Dependency
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I want to talk about something that doesn't come up enough in mentorship conversations — the problem of the good mentor who accidentally creates a dependent mentee. Luna: Oh, I’ve seen that. The mentee who can’t make a move without first checking with their mentor. It starts to feel less like guidance and more like a crutch. Lucas: Exactly. There’s actually a name for the opposite approach — it’s called 'scaffolding.' Borrowed from developmental psychology. You provide structure and support at the start, but your goal is to remove it piece by piece until the mentee can stand on their own. Luna: So the mentor’s job isn’t to have all the answers, but to build the capacity in the other person to find their own. Lucas: Right. And this is hard because most mentors are senior people who got there by being good at solving problems. Their instinct is to solve the mentee’s problem. But that short-circuits the learning. A classic example — Microsoft under Satya Nadella. Luna: The growth-mindset shift. I remember reading that he told senior leaders to stop being 'know it alls' and start being 'learn it alls.' Lucas: Exactly. And he didn’t just say it — he changed how performance reviews worked. Instead of rewarding people for having the right answer, they started rewarding people for asking the right questions. That’s scaffolding at scale. Luna: It’s a culture shift. But for an individual mentor, what does scaffolding actually look like in a one-on-one? Lucas: I think there are three concrete techniques. First — the 'three-options rule.' When a mentee comes to you with a problem, instead of giving them the answer, you ask them to come back with three possible solutions and a recommendation. You’re forcing them to think. Luna: I had a mentor who did that. It was frustrating at first — I just wanted the answer — but after a few months, I started coming to her with my own analysis already done. She’d just refine it. Lucas: That’s the goal. Second technique — schedule 'question-only sessions.' For the first 15 minutes of a meeting, the mentor can only ask questions. The mentee has to explain, justify, explore. It trains the mentee’s own reasoning muscle. Luna: Third technique? Lucas: Explicitly map the dependency. At the start of the relationship, the mentor says, 'I’m going to help you a lot in the first three months, but by month six, I expect you to be making these decisions on your own. Let’s track it.' Luna: That’s really transparent. It sets expectations and gives the mentee a roadmap to independence. But what about the mentor’s ego? Some people get a lot of identity from being the go-to expert. Lucas: It’s real. A 2019 study in the Journal of Vocational Behavior found that mentors who derived high self-esteem from their role were more likely to create dependent mentees. They unconsciously kept the mentee reliant because it felt good. Luna: So part of being a good mentor is being aware of your own need to be needed. Lucas: And sometimes the best thing you can do is redirect that ego into a different role — becoming a sponsor instead. Sponsorship is different. A sponsor uses their own credibility to advocate for the mentee, open doors, make introductions. That’s a different kind of help, and it’s less about dependency. Luna: We did an episode on that — sponsor versus mentor. But even in sponsorship, there’s a risk of dependency if the mentee never learns to advocate for themselves. Lucas: True. Sponsors should also scaffold. Introduce the mentee to two people, then say, 'Next month, you find three more on your own and I’ll review your outreach.' Luna: That’s a good rule. Let’s talk about the flip side — when is dependency actually okay? I’m thinking of early-career situations where the mentee truly doesn’t have the context or skills yet. Lucas: That’s a fair point. In the first few months of a new role, especially for a junior employee, some dependency is normal and even efficient. The key is that the mentor has an explicit plan to reduce it over time. If you’re still making the same decisions for someone after a year, you’ve failed. Luna: I’ve also seen the opposite — a mentee who resists any guidance because they want to prove they’re independent. That’s its own problem. Lucas: Right. Scaffolding works both ways. The mentee has to be willing to accept support while also pushing toward autonomy. That’s a conversation you have early — 'I’m here to help, but my goal is to make myself unnecessary.' Luna: Speaking of making yourself unnecessary — if we’ve helped you think through a career move or a mentoring relationship, you can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It’s a small way to keep this ad-free. Lucas: Yeah, listener support is what keeps us independent and focused on topics like this. We appreciate every contribution. Luna: So, back to scaffolding — one technique I’ve used is what I call the 'reflection loop.' After a mentoring session, I ask the mentee to send me a one-paragraph summary of what they took away and what they plan to do. That forces them to own the action. Lucas: That’s great. And it gives you a way to check if they’re actually internalizing the guidance or just nodding along. Another technique — the 'mentor audit.' Every quarter, you and the mentee look back and ask, 'What decisions did I make with your help that I could have made alone?' Luna: That’s uncomfortable but necessary. I think the hardest part for mentors is learning to stay quiet. To let the mentee struggle a little. Lucas: Struggle is where growth happens. If you jump in too fast, you rob them of that. There’s a great quote from the founder of a company called Pluralsight — 'The best mentor is the one who helps you see the answer for yourself, not the one who gives it to you.' Luna: That sums it up. So for our listeners — if you’re a mentor, ask yourself: am I building scaffolding or am I a crutch? And if you’re a mentee, it’s okay to say, 'I want to try this on my own first, but I’ll come to you if I get stuck.' Lucas: That’s a healthy boundary. And it actually strengthens the relationship. The best mentoring relationships evolve into peer relationships over time. Luna: That’s the goal. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. See you next time.