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Falling Apart Is Falling Closer · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast, and this one is for the 2am version of you.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: The one who's deep in the mess, deep in the hard parts, the version of you sitting in the dark or lying on the bathroom floor, or that version of you that's stalling, sitting in the car in the driveway or the garage because you can't quite bring yourself to go inside.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: The you who feels like you are completely, utterly falling apart, or the you who feels that if you pull or tug on just one tiny thread, everything, everything will unravel and come completely undone, even you.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is for you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to offer you something.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not a band-aid, not a quick fix, not that false or toxic positivity or platitudes about how you're going to be fine, everything's going to be fine.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to give you a pep talk to drag you out of the feeling that you are or you're about to fall apart.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: I simply want to offer you a different way of looking at it, another way of thinking about it, another way of feeling about it, and another way of understanding what's actually happening to you.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe you're not falling apart.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe you are, but that's not actually the only thing that's happening.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe what's really happening is not exactly or actually what you think it is.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: We've been taught that falling apart is the thing to avoid at all costs, right?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: That strength, that being strong means holding it together, holding it all together all the time, that the goal always is to put on a brave face, stay intact, keep everything together, to keep it all together and not fall apart.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: But what if, what if falling apart isn't actually a total collapse or a total breakdown?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's not the bad thing we've been told or taught that it is?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's actually necessary?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's actually got a deep, a deeper purpose, a reason?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's actually the thing that brings us clarity?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And what if it's the thing that brings us closer to ourself?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: What if you thought about it a little differently?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what if the very things that are unraveling right now, the things that are falling apart, the marriage, the relationship, the story, the identity, the routines, the version of you that you built around or created within that framework, that life, that relationship?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: What if they were never really holding you together?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: What if they were actually holding you back, holding you in, holding you contained or smaller?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And what if falling apart isn't the opposite of being fine, being okay?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't the flip side of being strong.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe falling apart is, as I said earlier, maybe it's necessary.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because when a relationship ends, when the life you built with and around another person starts to come apart at the seams, what really is it that's falling away?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: What falls away first?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's the noise, it is maybe the performance, it's the daily negotiation, it's the version of you that you had to be to maybe keep the peace, even if that peace is the peace within yourself, right?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's the version of you you had to be to hold the relationship together and to keep the version of life that looked okay from the outside to keep that version going, to keep it intact, right?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: The life you thought you wanted until maybe you didn't.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe what falls away for you is are the things that you tolerated, the wants, hopes, dreams, desires, needs you pushed down or silenced, the things that you overlooked or didn't speak about, the things you stopped hoping or asking for, those parts of yourself you gradually, quietly set aside, put down, and slowly you did that over time in a thousand small moments, a thousand small surrenders, right?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't happen all at once.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It happened slowly over time.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's what's falling.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's what is falling apart or falling away.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not you.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe what's falling away are the layers, all the stuff that you built up around yourself and within this relationship.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: The layers, the adaptations, the holding itself, the accumulated weight of who you needed to be, who you were told to be, who you felt you had to be, or slowly became without even noticing.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to think of it like decluttering.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And no, it's not always the fun, aesthetic condo kind of decluttering, right?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little more raw and real than that.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: It is a decluttering where you pull everything out, every single thing, and this is pulling out parts of you, stories, lessons, beliefs.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: You pull them all out and you hold each thing up and you ask, does this belong?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Does this belong to me?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Did it ever, is it going to belong to me going forward?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is this actually mine?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Does this still fit who I am?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And is it something that I want in future versions of myself and my life?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe some of it does still fit, right?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying you throw everything out and it's a complete um shedding, stripping back to bare bones.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of it does still fit who you are and who you're becoming.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of it is still aligned and your truth and necessary and what feels right and true for you.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe some, maybe even most of it, doesn't.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so falling apart is what happens when you finally, finally start to put those things down, those pieces of a life, the stories, the beliefs, the behaviors that don't feel true for you anymore.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You put them down.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the paradox about that is though that often the moment the times, the dark night of the soul moments when you feel most lost, most broken apart is actually often the moment you are closest to yourself.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not the self that you performed, not the self that you edited down to something more manageable or that fit this version of life, not the self that morphed and changed to fit into that relationship, the real one, the real self, and that one that's been there always quietly underneath all of it, but got quieter and quieter and buried deeper and deeper, but it has still been there and waiting.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when all the noise falls away, when all when everything falls apart, something becomes possible that maybe wasn't before, and it doesn't come suddenly, it's not this flash of blinding clarity, although for some it does land like that, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: But often, more often, I think it it comes slowly, quietly, and it comes in the dark at 2 a.m.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: or it starts to land in the dark at 2 a.m.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And you it comes when you start to hear yourself think again.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: You start to be able to hear your own thoughts and hear your own voice, or at least you might start to question whose voice is that?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is that mine?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it is the pulling apart and the conscious choosing, okay?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: There's conscious choice involved, and it's when you start to notice what you actually feel underneath all of the hard mess, overwhelm, all the hard stuff, the noise and the fear and the work of holding it all together.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: What do you actually feel underneath all of that when you're not holding it together anymore?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop or you simply cannot hold it together anymore, something else becomes possible.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: You start to see or feel into what you want and what you no longer want, what you no longer do, and what maybe felt wrong or not quite right, what didn't quite fit for a long time, and maybe you were too afraid or simply too exhausted, too busy holding it all together to be able to see that or feel that or name that.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: So here is if you need it, your permission, clearly, kindly, without apology, give yourself full, unwavering, undeniable permission to not have it all together right now, to not hold it all together right now.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Permission to not be the shiny, accomplished, capable, holding it all together version of yourself.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: She can have a rest.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: She's been working really, really hard, probably for a really long time.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Give her a rest and allow yourself to sit in the mess and the discomfort of falling apart.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to fall apart.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's not a comfortable invitation, it's not a pretty part of the story, so let's not pretend that it is.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's not pretty, it's messy, it's uncomfortable, it's unglamorous, and it goes against a whole lot of what we've been told and conditioned to do and be, right?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Some days it will feel like it's too much and too hard, but it's also necessary.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's also doing something, it's also doing important stuff.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: The falling apart and allowing yourself to fall apart, giving yourself permission and allowing yourself to fall apart is part of the work, even when it feels awful, even when it doesn't feel like it, probably especially when it feels uncomfortable and awful.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I've said this before, I say it to clients, and I remind myself of it too, if I'm really honest.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can't hold your falling apart at bay forever.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can't always choose when it happens, you cannot just add it to the can to the calendar or schedule your falling apart for a convenient time.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: It might come for you when it's inconvenient.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Don't think you can just hold it off and schedule it for a time that feels right for you.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: It might just be coming for you.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: So if you feel like you're falling apart or you're about to, or if you tug just one little thread, it's all gonna come unraveling around you.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps don't push back on that.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps don't force yourself to be okay, to hold it all together, or ignore it, or rush past it.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in it, don't numb it or minimize it, or rush through it, push through it.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Don't feel like you have to be okay, or don't perform okayness if you're not or before you're ready.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Let the falling apartness move and keep moving through you.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let it crash around you and let all those pieces settle around you.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Let falling apart clear whatever it is for you it needs to clear.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's 2 a.m.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: and it all feels like it's coming apart, buckle up, or maybe just settle in and let it happen around you.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because what this is underneath all of the discomfort and the mess and the rawness of it, is the beginning of your recalibration, the beginning of your reclamation, liberation, right?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's about becoming clearer, it's about shedding and consciously choosing what no longer fits for you, what no longer belongs to you, what you've outgrown or moved beyond, maybe without even realizing, and what is not coming with you into the next chapter, the next version of your life.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the hard thing is that clarity is also or can also be one of the most uncomfortable, disorienting feelings there is.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I would encourage you or invite you, if that feels right for you, to jump on the mailing list.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not spammy, I don't pump it out every week, every day.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is just semi-regular and important, helpful stuff.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are ready, I was gonna say if you're ready to fall apart, we're not talking about scheduling it, but if you're ready to stop doing this, whatever this is for you alone, applications to work with me one-on-one are open.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out, let's talk.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who would feel supported in their falling apart by listening to this, please share it with them.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Go gently, especially if you feel like you are or about to fall apart.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Until then