Latest / Impact Ready / 123. Don't Drink the Poison

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123. Don't Drink the Poison · Impact Ready

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Welcome to Impact Ready, a show dedicated to helping you elevate
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your impact in the world. I'm Steph Safra, your host.
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Let's explore the power of showing up with intention and
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energy each day. This is for those who seek to
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make life truly meaningful. Get ready for impact.
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Hello team, welcome to the show today.
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Thank you for being here. Hope you're having an awesome
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day today. In this episode, we are going to
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talk about a topic that is highly pertinent to our ability
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to have impact in the world, but often one that we don't
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necessarily connect to our impact and influence.
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And that topic is forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that we
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all struggle with. We all wrestle with.
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It's something we've all experienced in our life.
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The feelings of resentment or anger or frustration are ever
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present in the human condition. And we talk about it a lot in
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coaching. But most people aren't very
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aware of their ability to forgive.
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They're not intentional about forgiveness.
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And I think it merits a conversation so that we can free
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ourselves up from some of these feelings and emotions that trail
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us and follow us around, and we can have a more powerful
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influence in the world. You know, historically, I've
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actually really struggled with forgiveness.
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I've done a lot of reading about it.
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I've done a lot of digging in on this and work on myself around
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this because it was always something that, I don't know, I
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just had a hard time with. And it wasn't that I was having
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a hard time forgiving other people.
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In fact, I very readily forgive other people.
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That's something that maybe I too quickly did when I was
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younger. Actually, my struggle was
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forgiving myself. I used to have a very, very hard
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time forgiving myself for the way that I handled situations or
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the way that things went down in my life for whatever reason.
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And I would often say things to myself like, why didn't I know
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better, or how come I didn't see that coming?
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Or how could I have let that person treat me like that?
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A very common thing that I used to say to myself all the time is
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I should have known better. I can remember feeling this way
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as early as middle school. I was so hard on myself for
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friendships and relationships and, you know, think the way
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things went down in middle school and high school and
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College in my 20s, in my 30s even.
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And it always came down to I should have known better or I
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should have done that differently.
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I don't know if you can relate to this, but I wouldn't let
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things go. It would be something that would
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stick in my mind and I would often end up ruminating on it or
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overthinking it. I would have conversations in my
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head about it with the other person, and the result is that I
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would be in my head about stuff for way longer, way longer than
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I should have. And I would often be carrying
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around feelings of shame or guilt about how I handled things
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for years, team for years after the event actually went down.
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And it's kind of embarrassing to say that out loud, actually,
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seeing as now my job is to, you know, be a coach and help guide
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people through these processes. But I mean, I guess the stuff
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that you go through helps give you information about how to
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handle it. But I'm going to be transparent.
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It was it was something that I struggled with for so long.
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I know now that this is a result of a particularly potent
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combination of saboteurs, one that so many people deal with.
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And it's the perfectionist and the people pleaser and there's
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so many people who walk around with these two primary
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saboteurs. So if this resonates with you, I
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am glad because you are not alone in this and there are many
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solutions to this combination of saboteurs.
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It's the perfectionist that made me think that I had to have it
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all figured out. It was the perfectionist that
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said I couldn't possibly have made a mistake, or I should have
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handled things better, or I should have handled them
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differently, whatever it might be.
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It made me think that I should have had more tools for better
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control, more information, better skills, whatever it was,
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so that I didn't falter, so I didn't make a mistake, so I
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didn't screw it up. But here's the damn thing.
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We are always trying to do the best we can with the tools that
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we have and the information that's available to us.
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So of course, in hindsight, it seems obvious what I should have
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done. But the reality is I often
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didn't have all the information. So many times I was in
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situations where I didn't have all the context.
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I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know that person's
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intentions. I couldn't see the writing on
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the wall. And so many times I'd actually
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never encountered situations like the one that I was in that
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I was beating myself up over. So I didn't have the skills or
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the experience to know what to do.
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I also wasn't taking into account at the time that there
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were a few instances in my life where people have actually been
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trying to manipulate me. You know, people didn't have the
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greatest intentions and I sort of was had.
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And that's a real thing and I'm sure that's happened to you.
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People come with not great intentions and we don't know it
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or expect it, and we get blindsided.
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And so in hindsight now I can see why.
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Why am I beating myself up for these things when I didn't have
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the skills or the experiences? I didn't always know the
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intention of the person and I didn't have all the information.
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It makes sense that this is certainly a call for me to have
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a little bit more grace for myself.
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So that's the perfectionist. And the people pleaser also
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comes into play here in such a real way that this saboteur
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wants us to be liked by everyone, by by all.
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We don't want conflict. We don't want people to be mad
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at us or have any ill will towards us.
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And so when things don't go down well, it is very uncomfortable.
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It is a very uncomfortable situation for the people
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pleasing part of us, and it gets really riled up now.
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I decided a few years back that I needed to take radical
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ownership of any old resentments, any anger, any old
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frustrations or hurts. I realized that it was my job to
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deal with those feelings, just like it's my job to deal with
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any of my feelings, but also everything else that is in my
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sphere, including the behaviors that I put out in the world, the
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patterns of being, the communication, the thoughts that
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I'm having. I'm the only one who can take
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responsibility for any of this. And I think this finally sunk in
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for me because I decided and I realized that like all feelings,
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the feeling of resentment is really just affecting us.
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Me, ourselves, right? Feelings affect us, not other
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people, our own feelings, in our own heads and our bodies, our
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minds, our hearts, they are affecting us.
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Resentment is one of those powerful feelings, and I've
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actually come to think of resentment as like a vial of
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poison. Every time I give into that old
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feeling, the old anger, the old frustration, the old hurts, all
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that stuff that is historical and I can do nothing about, it's
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like I'm picking up a vial of poison and chugging it down.
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And I talked to my clients and my patients about this.
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We are often in the habit of feeling the same feelings each
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day, having the same thoughts every day.
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We get into those rutted neuro pathways.
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As Joe Dispenza always says, we humans have 60 to 70,000
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thoughts a day, and 90% of them are the same as the day before.
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So essentially, day after day, we're picking up the vial and
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we're chugging it down because resentment is a poison that we
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continue to drink. And the only person that's being
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punished by this resentment is me is you.
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We are the ones drinking the poison, and the poison only
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poisons the one who consumes it. And so I think, God, we just
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have to do things a little bit differently here.
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Nobody wants to keep drinking the poison.
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And so we come to this conversation around forgiveness,
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what it is and how we do it and why it's helpful.
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And I think for me, what I have come to understand is that
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forgiveness is about finding peace.
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Forgiveness is about finding peace.
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It's not necessarily about others deserving your
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forgiveness, although I do believe that people deserve
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forgiveness no matter what. It's not really about that.
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Forgiveness is about finding peace for yourself.
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You know, so many times we hold on to these old hurts and we
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often hold on to them because we want justice.
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We want, we want to be right. I know that there's a very
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strong inclination in me to want to be right so many times.
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I know that's my ego. I can recognize it.
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And I often think of this part of my ego as my teenage self,
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that teenager within me that wants to dig my heels in and
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have everything be fair. That's the part of me that wants
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to avenge things, to have that other person get what's coming
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to them. You know, we've all felt that.
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But then when I catch myself in that thinking pattern, I asked
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myself, to what end is this wanting to be right?
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Like, what's the goal here, team?
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Do I want to be trapped in this conflict cycle again, or do I
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just want to be free of it? Do I just want to be able to
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move on and live my damn life? And when I think about it, it
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always comes down to actually, I just want to be free.
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I don't actually care what happens to that person.
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I don't need them to have a different experience as long as
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I can have freedom in my life. And so forgiveness is really
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about finding that peace. I've also come to understand
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that one of the keys to having forgiveness for people and for
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ourself is compassion. Compassion for the fact that we
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are all imperfect humans trying to figure all this stuff out.
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We are just wandering the earth trying to figure out how to live
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on this planet. And a lot of times we as humans
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are leading with our pain and our fear.
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That's what we lead with in conversations and interactions.
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Remember the conversation about the saboteurs, those old
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historical stories that have influence on how we see the
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world. The saboteurs, the
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perfectionist, the people pleaser.
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Remember how they are often rooted in fear?
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That's what's happening for so many people, especially when
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they are rundown, when they are tired, when they are under
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immense stress. So many people are leading with
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pain and fear, and so it's no wonder that our imperfections
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come to the surface. We have to have compassion for
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that humanity. We have to have compassion for
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the fact that we are all yin and Yang, we are all the darkness
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and the light. We are all positive and negative
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and we're all just trying to figure it all out.
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We are going to screw up, we are going to make mistakes, Other
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people are going to screw up, and to have compassion for that.
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The fact that we're kind of bumbling around doing our very
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best to live well, that's a really important thing that I've
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come to understand in regard to having forgiveness for people
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and for my own self. The other thing we can
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acknowledge here is that we also have to have challenging
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experiences. We have to have hardship and
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struggle as part of life to help us grow.
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It's the ever constant is the fact that life is going to
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challenge us. It's what Abraham Hicks would
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call contrast. Contrast is experiences that
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will highlight the darkness and the lightness in the world, the
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positive and the negative. You know, there's been a few
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relationships in my life that have ended really painfully, and
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I spent so much time lamenting that in the past, feeling pain,
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feeling sadness around those relationships, letting those
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experiences chip away at my confidence or myself worth.
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I mean, I did for a long time. That would happen.
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But I'm able to see things differently now.
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I'm able to see that my saboteurs were in full force
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then, and also that I actually have a lot to be grateful for
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with those experiences because they shaped me.
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They made me reflect on my own shortcomings and blind spots,
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and so I was able to humbly start to course correct those.
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They taught me to stand up for myself and use my voice in a
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different way. They gave me information about
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who I wanted to be and also who I wanted to surround myself
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with. And frankly, without those
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experiences, I wouldn't be in the position that I am now, a
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position that I'm very grateful for.
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And so looking back, I can see all of these mistakes, all of
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these shortcomings, these failures, these things that I
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hold resentment or regret or anger around, they actually
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serve me in the end. And so I really want to hold on
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to that piece of it, especially as it allows me to have more
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forgiveness. Now, I don't know what your
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relationship is with forgiveness for yourself, for other people.
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I don't know how that experience has been for you.
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Maybe it comes really easily. Maybe you have no problem
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forgiving yourself for the things that have happened in
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your life. Maybe you have no problem
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extending forgiveness to other people.
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But I can tell you, so many people struggle with this.
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And so it brings me to this question of why does this
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matter? What does this conversation had
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to do with impact and your ability to create the life you
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want? It matters because forgiveness
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is actually freedom. Forgiveness is freedom.
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It's it's freedom from low frequency emotions and feelings
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like sadness and apathy and hopelessness and frustration and
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anger and resentment. It's freedom from the weight of
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all of that sitting on your heart and your mind every day,
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which by the way, that is a heavyweight that we carry when
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we carry it every single day. It's freedom from all the old
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transgressions that you perceive.
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It's freedom from having to direct all of this energy into
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stuff that you can't change. Because the stuff in the past is
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not something we can even touch. We can't change it.
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It might as well have been 7 centuries ago.
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That's how much ability we have to change the things that have
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happened in the past. And when you can free up all
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that energy that's being consumed and taken up by the
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past hurts and the past regrets and resentments, you can
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repurpose it to something that really matters and something
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that will take you in the direction of the life that you
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want. And that's why this is such an
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important conversation. Because if you are somebody who
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cares about creating a life for yourself that you love, if
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you're somebody who cares about having impact and the influence
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and the energy that you bring in the room, if you are somebody
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who wants to serve other people, this stuff matters.
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You have to be free of it. It's going to allow you to
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elevate to a totally different level.
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And so my challenge to you this week is to think about where can
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you forgive yourself in your life?
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What mistakes can you forgive? How can you let them be your
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path lights along your personal Rd. in your life?
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And then also, where can you forgive other people?
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Where can you reclaim your peace and your power by letting go of
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some of those old transgressions and stop drinking the poison?
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That is my challenge to you. Stop drinking the poison this
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week. I guarantee you are going to be
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a healthier, much lighter version of yourself the second
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you do. That's all for today.
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Thank you for listening to this episode and for being here and
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caring about the impact that you have in the world.
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And as always, thank you for being ready to impact team.
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Thanks for listening to Impact. Ready, I hope.
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Today's episode inspired you to own your impact and recognize
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that you. Are powerful.
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By elevating our energy and awareness, we can create
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exponential change in this life. If you enjoyed today's insights,
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share them with a friend and subscribe.
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To the show for more, I truly appreciate you.
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Thanks again for being here.